Archive of Our Own

‘Buck, your ride’s here!’

Buck had just thrown on his jacket and was closing his locker when he heard Bobby’s shout through the station. He turned away from his conversation with Eddie to look through to the engine bay and there was Tommy, chatting with Bobby, waiting to take Buck home. It had been a month since Tommy had first kissed Buck, 3 weeks since their first - semi-disastrous date - and 2 weeks since Buck had come out to the 118. The responses had been mostly ones of surprise, with Hen and Maddie & Chim breaking the pattern with their exclamations of ‘Finally!’ and ‘It’s about time!’. None of the reactions had been negative though, which was something that relieved Buck more than he’d thought it would. He knew none of the 118 was homophobic - the team had always been more than accepting of Hen - but he was also acutely aware of how common biphobia was, and not knowing where any of his family stood on that was anxiety inducing to say the least. Watching his boyfriend and his pseudo-father talking and joking with such ease filled Buck with indescribable amounts of comfort, and a small smile crept onto his face.

He swung his duffle over his shoulder and made his way over to the pair, with Eddie following his suit. Tommy’s eyes met his and Buck felt his smile growing, Things between them had been good. Tommy was understanding of Buck’s situation and never pushed him to do anything he wasn’t comfortable doing - making sure Buck had a good experience with his first queer relationship. It was nice, comfortable, and Buck was content. As he got closer, Tommy’s arm reached towards him, curling around his waist and pulling him closer. Buck was too engrossed in his feelings to notice his best friend’s footsteps stopping abruptly behind him or the sound of Eddie swallowing dryly.
Bobby placed a hand on Buck’s shoulder, nodding and saying goodbye with a ‘See you Tuesday, Buck.’ before stepping away and heading up to the balcony, where Hen and Chim were now standing.

‘Hey, baby,’ Tommy said when Buck turned back, running his free hand through Buck’s hair, ‘You OK? How was your shift?’

‘Good, but I’m tired.’ Buck smiled softly, leaning into Tommy’s touch, and letting him guide their lips together. They’d kissed too many times to count in the past few weeks, and each time Buck felt an overwhelming happiness at finally being able to put a name to how he’d been feeling for over 30 years. As Tommy deepened the kiss, Buck heard Chim and Hen whooping from above, even the occasional wolf-whistle, but what really caught his attention was a soft thud from behind him, followed by fast paced footsteps and the slam of a door. Buck pulled away from Tommy, who began laughing in the direction of the balcony, and turned to see Eddie’s duffle on the floor and its owner nowhere to be seen.

‘Hey, I’ll be back in a sec.’ he mumbled towards Tommy, who nodded distractedly and headed upstairs to greet the others.

Buck found Eddie back in the locker room, hidden away between the standing shelves and the back wall. He knocked on a shelf to alert Eddie to his presence.

‘Hey, Eds, everything alright?’ Buck asked as Eddie turned to him, his face looking rosier than usual.

‘Yeah. Yeah, no, I just forgot my phone.’ He responded, coughing lightly before sending Buck a weak smile.

‘It’s in your back pocket,’ Buck supplied, knowing he’d seen it there before they’d left the room together. Eddie’s hand drifted backwards, pulling out his phone which was indeed where Buck had said it would be.

‘Ah, right, thanks. Should’ve known.’ He chuckled, trying and failing to seem alright. Buck wasn’t sure what was going on, but he had thought he and Eddie were past the point of trying to keep their feelings from each other. Their ability to pick up on each other's emotions was one mastered over years of close friendship, and Chim had even made several comments on how creepy he found it. Eddie closing off right now made no sense.

‘You sure you’re OK, Eddie? I mean, you’ve been fine all shift and now… I don’t know, you just seem off.’

‘I’m fine, Buck,’ Eddie sighed, ‘I’m just tired.’ Buck could tell Eddie didn’t want him to push it, but something in Buck wasn;t accepting that. Maybe it was his own tiredness, or maybe it was the fact that Eddie had been acting a little weird for weeks. Not enough for anyone else to notice, but Buck wasn’t just anyone else.

‘Don’t give me that crap, I know you when you’re tired and this isn’t that. What’s going on with you?’
‘It’s him, OK?’ Eddie shot back, hyper aware of his presence upstairs and trying very hard not to yell for that exact reason.

‘Him? Who are y- Tommy?’ To say Buck was caught off guard was an understatement. Eddie and Tommy were friends, they’d been hanging out for weeks before Buck got involved. ‘But I thought you liked him? I thought you guys were friends?’

‘I do. I mean, we are. I mean,’ Eddie took a breath, hoping a pause would be enough to get his thoughts together. What did he mean? ‘It’s just, him coming in here like he owns the place, not even acknowledging me, and then he’s got his hands all over you and he’s kissing you and-,’ another breath, ‘It just makes me a little uncomfortable, is all.’

And now they were both surprised. Eddie hadn’t realised this Buck Tommy situation was getting to him this much, and clearly neither had Buck if the look of irritated confusion on his face was anything to go by.

‘Uncomfortable?’ Buck spat, ‘What the hell, Eddie? When I came out to you you said you didn’t care who I dated. You said I was still your best friend - still Buck,’ his voice faltered as he said it, very quickly going from angry to scared, terrified that Eddie would take it back, ‘We went on a double date together.’

‘You are still my best friend, I didn’t mean it like that.’ Eddie sighed, although a small part of his brain wondered if maybe Buck had interpreted him correctly. Eddie had been fully supportive of Buck when he came out, and he would never have dreamt of ending their friendship over it. That being said, since their double date Eddie had been feeling increasingly uncomfortable when Buck mentioned Tommy, and seeing them being so touchy had definitely unlocked something in him.

‘How did you mean it, Eddie? Because from here it sounds like you’re fine with me dating guys, so long as I don’t do it in front of you.’ Buck was back to being angry now, and Eddie’s responding silence wasn’t helping matters. ‘Well?’

‘It’s not that, Buck, I swear. It’s just…’ Eddie paused, trying to figure out what reasoning he could give Buck when even he didn’t understand his own emotions at the moment.

‘It’s just what, Eddie?’

‘We were friends first!’ Huh, Eddie thought, surprising himself with his response. Buck was clearly just as surprised, with his anger once again being replaced by a look of confusion. ‘We were friends first,’ Eddie repeated, ‘and I know how stupid this must sound. I mean, a few weeks ago this whole situation was the other way round… without so much kissing.’ Eddie breathed out a laugh as he said it, hoping his nonchalance would convince Buck - and himself - that the problem truly wasn’t with them both being guys. Looking down at his fiddling hands, he continued his rant. ‘But you guys are getting serious way faster than I expected and now he’s coming in here like he’s known you forever and he’s calling you Evan all the time, and I don’t even know what to tell Chris when he asks about the three of us spending time together, because y-’ Eddie was cut off by Buck crossing the room to place his hand on his shoulder and ducking to meet Eddie’s anxious eyes.

‘Hey, man, breathe. That’s what this is about?’ Eddie did as he was told and nodded in response. ‘Tommy is still your friend, Eds. I could never change that and, despite my escapades a few weeks back, I wouldn’t want to. I swear I never meant to get in the way of you guys. In fact, I’d love if the three of us could spend more time together - Chris too if he misses Tommy. You’re my best friend, Eds.’

Despite looking at Eddie the whole time, Buck had clearly been too caught up in what he was saying to notice the confused look that had begun to creep onto Eddie’s face. Eddie, however, was all too aware of his facial expression, and fought to switch it to something more agreeable. ‘Yeah, Buck, that’d be great.’ He said through a smile that he hoped wasn’t too fake. ‘Look, I gotta go, I gotta get home to Chris.’

‘Yeah, of course,’ Buck said, dropping his hand from Eddie’s shoulder and letting him pass, ‘We’ll plan something soon?’ He asked, trying to sound more hopeful than desperate. He’d missed Eddie as much as Eddie had missed Tommy, and although he could feel jealousy burying its claws into his back, he was trying to focus on the potential of getting to hang out with Eddie soon.

He threw a ‘Yeah, sure,’ over his shoulder, all but running from Buck and the fire station. He’d been lying about getting home to Chris, he was at a friend's house until that evening, but he felt a strong need to get home and hide there, away from Buck, until he could talk to Frank about whatever just happened.

***

Thankfully, Eddie had monthly sessions scheduled with Frank. They’d become far less frequent since they’d found some calming techniques to help him with his panic attacks - with the exception of a few sessions after the lightning strike - but his next one was the following day.

Eddie had sat on this couch what felt like a million times, but it had been a good while since it had held this much weight. He found himself subconsciously counting his breaths and fighting the urge to pick at the skin around his fingers.

‘So, what would you like to talk about today, Eddie?’

Frank’s question held more pressure for Eddie than he could have known. His voice had a way of teasing out even the most guarded of information from Eddie, which is likely the reason he blurted out ‘I think I might be homophobic!’ in a far less dignified way than he had planned. Luckily for Eddie, Frank had a lot of experience with unexpected revelations, and was an expert at keeping his facial expressions in check. This meant that, instead of gaping at Eddie in shock, he took a shallow breath and simply said:

‘And when did these thoughts start?’

His calmness seemed to spill over onto Eddie’s side of the room, and he felt his shoulders relaxing almost immediately. He found himself wanting to tell Frank everything, so he did. He told him about Buck’s jealous outburst. He told him about Tommy and Buck getting together. He told him about Buck coming out to him. He even mentioned the double date that seemed to be the catalyst for these thoughts.

‘It wasn’t even on purpose,’ he explained, leaning towards Frank, ‘Marisol and I were going out to dinner, and Buck and Tommy were sitting there in the same romantic restaurant and it didn’t even occur to me that they’d be on a date too. So, we just went over to say hi, but the table next to them was free and the waitress offered to seat us there. I didn’t even think before I said yes. This was before Buck came out to me, so I assumed they were just getting to know each other, you know? Trying to clear the air after Buck had gotten so upset. And sure, during the dinner I noticed a little flirting, but that’s just Buck.’

‘So you weren’t having these feelings during the date?’ Eddie thought for a moment before responding.

‘I didn’t think so? But after, in the car, Marisol seemed upset and when I asked she said she felt like I’d ignored her all night. She thought I was pushing into Tommy and Buck’s conversations too much, and that it seemed like I was trying to stop them from getting to know each other. So… I don’t know… maybe I was? Like, maybe I picked up on a vibe subconsciously and was trying to ruin their date on purpose? And now it just keeps getting worse. I mean, every time Buck mentions Tommy I just- I get so annoyed, my stomach starts twisting and I have to start my breathing exercises.’

‘The thought of Buck being with a man is panicking you this much?’ Eddie nodded in response, looking down to trace his finger along the pattern of the chair he was sitting on. ‘And do you feel this panic with any of your other queer friends? Hen, Karen, or even Josh perhaps?’ That caught Eddie off guard. Not because the question was unwarranted, but because the answer contradicted how he’d been feeling for the past 24 hours.

‘No, I don’t,’ he answered, looking back up, ‘But what if it’s just Buck?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, what if- Oh God. What if I’m one of those secret homophobes?’ Frank gave him a look that Eddie had come to recognise as meaning ‘Explain?’. ‘What if I’m one of those guys that says they’re fine with queer people, but they don’t want it shoved in their faces or they explode as soon as they see them in real life?’

‘Eddie, breathe. Trust me, those kinds of people don’t tend to be this self aware. Are you sure there is no other possible reason you might not be OK with Buck, specifically, being romantically involved with a man?’

Eddie cast his eyes to the side, and when he looked back Frank was looking at him in a way that meant he knew there was more to the story. He was right, of course, but Eddie was really hoping he’d be able to get through this session without mentioning this particular thing. He should’ve known better, really.

‘Well, there is one other option…’ Go on, Frank nodded, and Eddie took a stabilising breath before continuing. ‘When I dropped Marisol off after the dinner she kinda… broke up with me.’ Frank stayed quiet, but gave Eddie a look that was somehow the perfect balance between sympathetic and professional. ‘She said a few things, but what really stuck with me was that she thought I-’

‘Yes?’

‘She thought I had feelings for Buck. I mean, that’s ridiculous though.’ He tried to laugh when he said it, but it came out as more of a breathy choking noise.

‘Why is that ridiculous?’

‘Because I- It’s not-’ Stumbling over his words really wasn’t helping his case but, even after weeks of having this idea in the back of his mind, Eddie still couldn’t find the will to deny it.

‘Hear me out here. Do you think that, just maybe, you might have jumped straight to assuming you were being homophobic because it would be easier to fix that than to face the idea that you have feelings for Buck and were jealous?’

‘I- Well- That’s-’ Eddie didn’t think he’d ever been this lost for words. He kept trying to get that laugh out but it just ended with more coughing. He got up and poured himself a cup of water from the jug in the corner of Frank’s office, half for his throat and half to have something to do with his hands other than wave them around. Part of him was annoyed. He’d been friends with Buck for 6 years, that’s a lot of feelings to accidentally cultivate. And now here was Frank suggesting that those feelings may be more than platonic. And he was so calm, like this being true wouldn’t be the biggest revelation in Eddie’s life. Only it was. True. Eddie knew that in the deepest parts of himself. And somehow he felt both immensely at peace and immeasurably anxious all at once. He released a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding.
‘That might be an accurate suggestion. But what would that even mean? That I’m bi too?’

‘Bi, gay, pan, anything really. You don’t have to feel pressured to label it right away.’ He knew Frank was right, that it wasn’t necessary for him to focus on labelling himself right now. Plenty of people never did. The only thing he managed to grasp, though was Franks mention of-

‘Gay? But I’ve been with women. I have a son. I loved Shannon.’

‘Those things can be true, even if a person is gay. It’s often referred to as comphet, or compulsive heterosexuality.’ Eddie’s face was blank, and Frank knew he’d never heard the term, so he continued. ‘It’s actually more common than you’d think. It can happen to any queer person, but occurs mostly for people who discover their identities later in life, and who grew up in environments that may not have been hugely accepting of queer identities. That pressure can result in queer people living by heterosexual norms and ideals, even if they don’t identify with it or it feels like playing a part.’ The more Frank spoke, the more Eddie felt pieces falling into place. The anxiety he’d felt before was dissipating and his shoulders began to curl in slightly with the relief he was feeling. He could feel a lump in his throat forming as Frank finished, saying, ‘It usually presents itself in acts of panic or escapism when engaging in heterosexual behaviours.’ And boy if that didn’t hit home for Eddie.

‘You mean like running away from your wife and son out of panic?’ he croaked, taking a small sip of water before continuing, ‘Or thinking you’re having a heart attack because someone implied you were in a long-term relationship with a woman?’

‘Those are accurate examples, yes.’

‘But I really did love Shannon.’

‘Being gay wouldn’t mean you didn’t. Just that you did it in your own way, not a romantic or sexual way.’ This knowledge felt, for Eddie, like he’d found the missing pages from the story of his life. And he knew, from the way he related to the things Frank was suggesting, that these new old pages fit in perfectly where they’d been torn out decades ago.

‘So, what do I do now?’

‘You know I can’t tell you that, Eddie, but I think accepting that you may have feelings for Buck is a good first step.’ He was right, of course, but Eddie felt like these realisations had uncovered a million more things he needed to talk about, and it definitely couldn’t wait another month.

‘D’you think I could come back sooner than a month to talk this through some more?’

‘I have a free session Friday if that’s not too soon?’

‘Friday’s perfect.’

***

The next few days seemed to drag by but, thankfully for Eddie, Buck was too busy with a combination of work and Tommy for them to see much of each other. When they did, though, things were still tense and Eddie found himself avoiding Buck as much as possible, out of fear that he’d slip up and accidentally come out to him or tell him he’s in love with him - which he is, he’d accepted. Buck, however, hadn’t been making this easy for Eddie, constantly trying to get things back to how they were a week ago, which Eddie would appreciate if he didn’t have this massive secret. With every turned down plan and reactionless joke, Buck worried more and more that his relationship with Tommy was pushing Eddie away, whether he liked it or not. It all came to a head one evening after Buck and Tommy got back from a date.

Buck slid his key out the lock and made his way toward his couch, knowing Tommy would shut the door behind them. Dropping down onto the plush sofa he and Eddie had chosen together a month or so ago, Buck heard Tommy open the fridge and put away the left-overs they’d brought home from the restaurant. Even after a few weeks of dating, Buck still felt a slight unease at Tommy fumbling his way around the kitchen alone, putting things in incorrect draws and stacking the dishwasher wrong. That being said, the only people he was ever fully comfortable with being here were Maddie and Eddie (and even Maddie didn’t know the rules of the dishwasher). Buck never really considered those two to be guests though, so comparing them to Tommy felt unfair.

The couch dipped beside Buck as he bent down to take off his trainers and he raised his bad leg up onto the coffee table, wincing and groaning lightly.

‘You in pain?’ Tommy asked, concern etched into his forehead. Buck was too busy refreshing his messages to hear him, so Tommy only caught his attention when he said, ‘Evan?’

‘Hm? Yeah, Sorry I just- My knee gets worse when I’m stressed, and Eddie still won’t message me back about taking Chris to see the new reptile exhibit at the zoo.’ Buck all but whined, looking at Tommy who had a somewhat unimpressed look on his face.

‘And Eddie not replying to a few texts is stressing you out that much?’ That wasn’t the only thing getting to Buck, but he hadn’t told Tommy about his and Eddie’s conversation the previous weekend. He wasn’t sure why he didn’t want Tommy to know - he told himself he was protecting him from feeling bad about not spending so much time with Eddie, but a little voice told him that wasn’t the whole story. ‘You’re sure there’s nothing else?’

‘There might be something,’ Buck started, still unsure whether he wanted to open up about this, but knowing he didn’t really have a choice now. Tommy gave a short nod, and Buck continued, ‘We kind of had an argument? On Sunday, when you picked me up from the station, he got a little… funny, I guess? About us touching and kissing,’ He said, nodding to Tommy, ‘and when I asked about it he eventually told me that he was feeling jealous.’ Tommy straightened up at hearing that, and Buck could feel him getting tense. He placed a hand on Tommy’s knee and went on, ‘I told him that I didn’t want to come between you two, and I don’t know if he didn’t believe me or what, but he’s still being super weird and distant.’ Buck could feel himself getting misty-eyed but he couldn’t help it. It had been 5 days since this thing with Eddie and in all that time he hadn’t actually said how he was feeling out loud. He could also feel a wave of jealousy that had been building since Eddie had said all this, some sly riptide dragging him down to the ugly depths of self pity, but he didn’t need to tell Tommy about that. He didn’t want to try to understand it, yet, himself.

‘He thought you were getting between us?’ Tommy questioned, and Buck had been so far in his own head he hadn’t noticed how visibly confused Tommy had grown. ‘You’re sure?’

‘That’s what he said, yeah.’ was Buck’s response, just as confused as Tommy was, but clearly for a different reason.

‘He said-’ Tommy closed his eyes and shook his head, ‘He told you word for word that he was jealous because he wanted to spend time with me? He said my name?’ Buck couldn’t figure out what he was getting at, but he allowed himself to think back to Sunday’s conversation. Eddie was definitely jealous, Buck wasn’t unsure about that. Despite that, Buck couldn’t actually remember Eddie mentioning Tommy’s name directly when saying he was jealous.

‘I mean, not technically no, but he didn’t exactly correct me when I tried to tell him I wasn’t coming between the two of you.’ Tommy didn’t look convinced and Buck felt the need to double down, so he followed with, ‘He compared it to what happened last month, with- with me getting jealous of you two. Surely that means he wants to spend time with you, like I did?’ Buck was so sure that Eddie’s comparison proved he had been talking about Tommy, but whatever he was expecting, Tommy’s response wasn’t it.

‘Did you?’

What? How could he say that? It was Tommy Buck had kissed, Tommy he’d dated, Tommy he was with. And if it hadn’t been Tommy’s attention he was trying to get, that would mean it was Eddie’s. Eddie he’d wanted to kiss, and to date, and to be with. And that couldn’t be right… could it?

‘Tommy, I- What are you saying?’

‘Look, Evan, I like you, really. But I’m not entirely sure you like me in the same way. Or at least not as much. And I’m not so sure it was my attention you wanted. Not really.’ He picked up Buck’s hand from his knee as he spoke, placing it back in Buck’s own lap and standing from his place on the couch. ‘I suspected it the moment I met you and Eddie; you’re like two sides of the same coin. But when you said you’d wanted my attention and not his I stupidly let myself believe it. I should’ve trusted my gut, but I went with my heart, and that was on me, but-’ Buck stood to follow Tommy who was now grabbing his jacket from off the dining table. Nothing Tommy was saying made any sense to him.

‘Tommy, what are you trying to say?’

‘It was him, Evan.’ He said forcefully, whipping around, ‘It was Eddie’s attention you wanted, not mine.’ Buck’s confusion didn’t disappear, and Tommy could feel the annoyance turning to anger as he spat out, ‘You have feelings for him.’

‘Wh- Tommy, I’m dating you.’ was all Buck could think to say, but he figured it was a pretty good response considering it was the truth. If Tommy’s respondent dark chuckle was anything to go by, though, he disagreed.

‘Can you honestly tell me that you only tried to get attention around me? That you never did anything when it was just Eddie around?’ That gave Buck pause. He thought back to a month ago, when just the thought of Eddie and Tommy hanging out made his stomach turn. As he considered Tommy’s question, he realised he couldn’t give him a definitive ‘yes’ answer. Sure, there had been plenty of moments where he had been doing things in Tommy’s presence, but there were also moments where he wasn’t. Working out in front of Eddie in hopes he’d offer to spot him. Getting a basketball shipped overnight to the station even though he knew he had one at his loft. It wasn’t as if his complaints to Maddie and Chimney had been about Eddie getting in the way, either. Even when Tommy had come to him that evening, the most relieving part of it - with the exception of finally figuring out what piece of himself he’d been missing for over 30 years - was when Tommy told him how much Chris loved him.

‘Exactly.’ Was Tommy’s response to Buck’s silence, and Buck realised that he didn’t have any other points to argue. Tommy was right. It was Eddie’s attention he’d wanted. His kisses, his dates, his heart.

‘I’m sorry.’ Buck said, meeting Tommy’s eyes for the first time since Eddie had been brought up. He couldn’t think what else he could say to make the situation better, but he really was sorry. Tommy’s response was more silence, and he put his jacket on on his way to the door. Buck watched him leave, and he didn’t bother to follow him.

He was still sitting at his kitchen table, thinking over every little clue he’d missed over 6 years of friendship when his phone rang an hour later, lighting up with Hen’s name.

***

Eddie’s session with Frank came and went, and he felt they’d made some pretty big progress. Although he’d spent the majority of the week avoiding the 118 outside of work, Eddie had at least admitted to himself two things: that he was gay, and that he was in love with Evan Buckley. They spent most of the session talking about Chris. How he planned to tell him, and how Eddie telling Buck about his feelings may affect Chris. They came to the conclusion, Eddie with a little persuasion, that Christopher would only be negatively affected by Eddie telling Buck if he let it. Eddie knew Buck would never jeopardise his relationship with Chris, and that meant it really was up to him and him alone whether Eddie’s revelations would change their dynamic. He was determined that it wouldn’t. He was operating on the assumption that, if he ever gained the courage to tell him, Buck would turn him down. This was something he hadn’t told Frank, but he knew he was doing it because it felt safer to prepare for disappointment than to let himself fantasise, he didn’t need a therapist to tell him that. He also knew that, in the incredibly unlikely event that Buck ever felt the same way, he was never letting him go, and he didn’t need to worry about Chris in that regard.

The last thing that Frank had said to him before the end of the session was that it might be a good idea for Eddie to stop avoiding his friends so much now that he’d come to terms with it all. That was what had led him to Hen and Karen’s doorstep at 9.30pm on a Friday, holding a paper bag filled with two bottles of wine and a packet of sour gummy worms. Karen opened the door after a few knocks, looking glad to see him if not a little confused.

‘Hey, Eddie,’ she said, ushering him inside, ‘Is everything OK? Hen and I were a little surprised to get your call.’ She took the bag from him, giving him a moment to take off his shoes and jacket.

‘Yeah, yeah, I’m alright. I just had a pretty intense session with Frank and I needed some friend time.’ It wasn’t a total lie, Eddie did want to spend time with friends, it was just that the friend he really wanted was the one friend he couldn’t see. Unfortunately, Hen came through from the kitchen then, and Eddie swore she was like a sniffer dog when it came to his bullshit.

‘Don’t you usually go to Buck’s after a tough session?’ She asked, still hugging him hello despite her obvious suspicion.

‘How did you know that?’ He deflected, attempting to avoid her question but realising he’d already answered it with his response. He was curious, though. Buck was the only one that knew that; Eddie sure as hell hadn’t told anyone. Hen was right. He would always head over, throw himself down on Buck’s couch, and Buck would hand him as many beers as he needed while they talked - or didn’t - before he offered Eddie a ride home. It was their little routine. A routine which had been a comfort for many reasons that, until now, Eddie had never known himself enough to realise. Hen at least had the decency to look sheepish, if only for half a second, before responding.

‘Buck told Maddie, who told Chim…’

‘Who told you.’ Eddie finished for her. He shouldn’t have been surprised, really. He knew that, other than Eddie himself, Maddie was the person Buck went to for everything. It wasn’t a real shock that he’d told her, or that the information had spread through the 118 like a wildfire. ‘Makes sense.’ He and Hen gave short nods in synchronicity before they headed toward the couch, Karen following close behind with 3 wine glasses she’d picked up while the other two greeted each other.

‘I just figured I’d shake it up tonight. Besides, we haven’t had a wine night in over a month.’ Eddie continued as he sunk into their couch and poured himself a generous glass of pinot.

‘True,’ Hen agreed, albeit apprehensively, ‘Just so long as you’re not avoiding him?’ Eddie choked on his first sip of wine at hearing that. Hen really did know everything. If he coughed a few more times than was needed just to get extra time to think of a response, that was no one’s business but his. Even with the added time, though, he couldn’t think of any more excuses. Not ones that he was responsible for, anyway. So instead, he barked out a laugh.

‘Ha! Yeah, I don’t think I need to avoid Buck. Not while he’s spending all his time with Tommy.’ He thought he’d mumbled the second part quiet enough, but both his drinking companions weren’t letting him get away so easily.

‘Ah.’ Was all Karen said, accompanied by a knowing look from Hen. Eddie threw them both what he hoped was a convincing confused look as he took another sip of wine. ‘You’re jealous.’

‘I-,’ he thought to object, but gave up, ‘I’m not drunk enough for this.’

‘You’re not denying it.’ Hen chimed in. Eddie mentally rolled his eyes. He knew he couldn’t deny it, not when they’d both know he was lying. It was at this moment he began berating himself for coming over. If he hadn’t he wouldn’t be having this conversation, and he could keep his jealousy and feelings for Buck close to his chest for just a little while longer. There was a voice in the back of his mind, though, that told him that’s exactly why he’d come in the first place. Consciously or not, he needed to tell someone about all of this, and who better than the two people who would understand most out of all his friends? Eddie took a deep breath, knowing what had to come next. He turned his body towards the couple on the other end of the couch, and found comfort in the fact that neither of their faces contained any mocking, only genuine concern. He quickly finished the rest of his glass of wine before speaking.

‘You’re right,’ He said, and Karen got visibly giddy, ‘And something else… I’m gay.’

‘Oh, Eddie.’ She half-whispered, moving to his side of the couch and embracing him immediately. ‘Thank you for telling us.’

‘We’re so proud of you.’ Hen added, coming in for a hug as soon as Karen released him. Eddie heard Karen moving around, and when Hen let go of him she was holding a box of tissues. He took one, only then noticing how much his eyes had welled up, and nodded in thanks. ‘Can I ask how you figured it out?’ Hen asked.

‘Well, like I said, you were right about the jealous thing. It’s actually a pretty stupid story.’ He let out a wet chuckle, and Karen leaned forward to refill his glass as she replied.

‘No story about realising your sexuality could be stupid.’ That made him laugh again, and he took a sip from his newly full glass.

‘Remember that day a week ago, Hen, when Tommy came by to pick Buck up from work?’ She nodded in response. ‘Yeah, well, when they kissed I felt so sick I thought I was for sure gonna throw up. I’d felt that way whenever Buck spoke about Tommy, ever since we had that double-date. Instead of realising it was jealousy though, I was convinced I was homophobic.’ It was silent a moment before the three of them all burst into fits of laughter, clearly already more intoxicated than they’d realised.

‘OK,’ Hen started once she could breathe again, ‘That might be a little stupid.’

‘Aw, no,’ replied Karen, nodding her head to the side, then saying, ‘OK, maybe.’ They all giggled a bit more, taking intermittent sips of wine. ‘What happened next?’

‘I went to Frank, and he guided me away from homophobia, and helped me realise it was jealousy. We had a pretty heavy conversation about comphet, and everything really seemed to click. That’s what today was, a continuation. I wanted to talk more about how to tell Chris, and what life would look like for us going forward.’

‘And how did Marisol take it?’ Hen asked.

‘You have told her, right?’ followed Karen.

‘She actually realised before me,’ he said, and he appreciated that they had the decency to try and hide their smiles. ‘She broke up with me in the car after that double-date and- Oh god, Karen, do you even know about that?’ He’d confided in Bobby about the awkwardness of it the day after, without mentioning the break up. He knew word had gotten round the firehouse fast enough, so he was sure Hen knew, but not Karen.

‘Oh, Hen tells me all you guys’ drama.’ was all she said, and Eddie felt definite anxiety at learning that.

‘Right,’ he said, trying to come back to his point. ‘Anyway, she broke up with me after and told me that I hadn’t paid her enough attention. And that she thought I was in love with Buck. And she was right.’ The room was silent, and Eddie found himself thinking of jello the longer it went on. That was, until Hen said-

‘Chim owes me so much money.’

‘Excuse me?’

‘He thought Buck would figure it out first, especially after he came out last month, but I had my money on you.’

‘You’ve been betting on us? Does Bobby know?’

‘Oh, come on, you know Cap…’ She took a sip, and then, ‘He gave up after you got shot and thought you two would never figure it out.’

‘So everybody knew, but us?’

‘I don’t think Ravi knows… If that’s any comfort?’

‘The probie doesn’t count and you know it.’

‘Good, because I’m pretty sure the only reason he doesn’t know is because he thinks the two of you are divorced already.’ she half-joked.

Eddie slumped back on the sofa, and Karen reached across to put her hand on his knee. He smiled up at her, and the alcohol was making it very difficult to actually be upset at either of them. As he watched the two of them watching him, Eddie knew he’d made the right decision coming to them about this. No one could have understood better, except maybe Buck himself, and he knew they wouldn’t sugarcoat anything if he needed to ask questions or get their opinion, which was what he needed now.

‘What do I do?’ he whispered, looking back down, and he was starting to think they hadn’t heard him when Karen responded.

‘I think you know.’

***

They rewarded him with the prize of having a good few more glasses of wine before they decided he was too far gone, and he was feeling far more than a happy buzz when Hen suggested calling him a car.
‘M’phone’s in the kitchen.’ he replied from where he was laying on the couch, pulling the last gummy worm from the bag. It was green and blue. ‘Buck,’ he hummed to himself as he looked at it, ‘Just like Buck.’
Karen placed a mug of coffee in front of him, and he sat up, swaying on the spot for some time before reaching for it. ‘That should sober you up a little. Now, what were you saying about Buck?’
Eddie swallowed far too quickly, considering how hot the beverage was, wanting far more to taste Buck’s name on his tongue than the bitter drink before him. ‘Buck.’ he said, melting at the sound. ‘His eyes. The bluey-greeny blue and green colour.’ Karen had no clue what he was talking about, but nodded at him and signalled him to drink more coffee, which he thankfully did.

He was pouring the last drops into his mouth, feeling a good bit more sober than he did 20 minutes ago, when he heard a knock.

‘Good idea with the coffee, babe,’ Hen said to Karen, walking toward the door, ‘We don’t want him throwing up in the Jeep.’ His uber driver had a Jeep?

‘You know who else has a Jeep?’ he said, still slightly slurring his words, but definitely less than before. ‘Buck.’ He turned to look at the door as he said it, and it was as if his mentioning the man’s name had spawned him. There, stood at the threshold of the Wilson house, was Buck. He was already holding Eddie’s jacket, and he smiled awkwardly at Eddie, who had somehow gotten half-way to the door already. Karen handed him his shoes, which he managed to shove his feet into in a way that probably felt far more dignified than it looked.

‘Thanks for coming to get him. I’ll see you on Monday.’ Hen said to Buck. Eddie hugged her goodbye, whispering thanks to her. It was met with a ‘Tell him.’ and a soft smile when he pulled away. Karen hugged him too, wishing him well and making him promise not to leave it another month before their next wine night. The door closed and Eddie followed Buck to his car, feeling both anxious and excited at the thought of being alone with him. He was watching Buck walking ahead of him when he noticed something.

‘Hey, are you stressed?’ It was the first thing he’d said to Buck since he’d arrived, unless you counted Eddie saying his name, and it seemed to take Buck by surprise. He stopped as he reached the Jeep, turning around to face Eddie.

‘What?’

‘You’re limping. Are you stressed?’

Trust Eddie to pick up on that, Buck thought. He shouldn’t have been surprised, really. Eddie had always noticed little things about Buck. He knew how he liked his coffee, he knew he secretly preferred tea, he knew how to stack the dishwasher, and he knew that Buck’s knee still hurt when he was stressed. Tommy’s words from earlier echoed in Buck’s head - You’re like two sides of the same coin. Tommy was right, and no matter how much Buck had tried to push it down over the past 6 years, this night's epiphany had brought everything to the surface. Now, Buck was more aware than ever of Eddie. The way he walked, the way he slurred his words after too much wine, the smell of aftershave that was always somehow there, but never too strong. He snapped out of his thoughts when he heard the passenger side of the Jeep open. He opened his own door and climbed in beside Eddie, resisting the urge to look over and just watch him. Buck thought he’d never felt truly enamoured with someone but, now that he knew the truth of his feelings for Eddie, it was taking all of his energy not to be.

‘Yeah, a little, I guess.’ He remembered to answer Eddie’s question as he pulled out his seatbelt. Luckily, Eddie seemed to still be slightly too tipsy to notice the delay, or to respond - which Buck found less lucky. He started up the Jeep, and had made peace with the fact that they were going to drive in silence when Eddie finally spoke again.

‘I’m sorry.’ Was all he said, and Buck almost hit the brakes from the shock it gave him. He figured giving him whiplash probably wasn’t the best way to fix things with Eddie, though.

‘What do y- Why?’

‘Sunday. And everything since. I was stupid. I should’ve been happier for you and Tommy, instead of making it about me. You guys are cute together.’ It was the first time Eddie had actually thought about Tommy since the beginning of his conversion with Hen and Karen, and the reminder that Buck still had a boyfriend hit him like a ton of bricks. How the hell was he supposed to tell Buck his feelings knowing he liked someone else? Telling a single Buck was one thing, but telling Buck now, when he knew he didn’t like him back, was something completely apart. Eddie’s worries were almost instantly dashed, however, by Buck’s reply.

‘Thanks, but, uhm, it doesn’t really matter. We- We broke up,’ Buck was staring dead ahead, clearly avoiding Eddie’s gaze, ‘So I guess you can have him back.’ He chuckled then, clearly trying to joke but it fell flat in the dead air between them. Eddie now had a new worry.

‘Buck, I’m so sorry. That wasn’t what I wanted, at all.’ It was only half a lie, and the next part was entirely true. ‘I only want you to be happy.’

‘It was for the best, not your fault.’ Eddie relaxed a little at that.

‘Well, I’m sorry anyway.’

‘Thanks.’ Buck finally looked at Eddie then, but the result was only a half-smile before he turned back to the road. Silence fell again, and even though the two of them never had truly uncomfortable silences, Buck was slightly unnerved by the feeling that Eddie was searching carefully for his next words.

‘You know, I was talking about you before.’ Were the words he chose, which confused Buck so much he turned to look at Eddie without thinking.

‘What?’

‘In the locker room, when I said I missed my friend and Chris was asking about hanging out. I missed you. Chris wanted you. Not Tommy.’ Buck felt the breath leave his lungs, but a tiny spark of hope glowed just behind his sternum.

‘Why didn’t you say anything?’

‘I tried to, but you seemed so sure I could never miss you over someone else. And then I didn’t want to argue with you anymore so I left it.’ Eddie definitely regretted not making his feelings clear at the beginning, but at the time he’d been so caught up in thinking he was homophobic that he didn’t really think to stay.

‘Yeah, that seems to be my problem,’ Buck replied, ‘Assuming people always like someone else better.’ It was true. Eddie knew that, and he should’ve known better than to leave Buck with those thoughts. He didn’t think he’d ever stop feeling guilty about that. He didn’t know what he could say to help, but the remaining alcohol gave him the courage to say something he’d been wanting to for 6 years (subconsciously) and had known about for 1 week.

‘I could never like anyone better.’ He had his head turned sideways, leaning against the headrest, and he’d been watching Buck the whole drive. Buck turned to him for a second, and whatever he saw in Eddie’s eyes must’ve struck a nerve, because he turned back so fast Eddie was shocked he didn’t hurt himself.

‘Sure you would. I mean, you and Marisol seem to be going pretty well, I'm sure she’ll eventually overtake me.’ That made Eddie look away. He wasn’t sure he wanted Buck to see the embarrassment in his eyes when he told him the truth. As it turned out, Eddie had been looking at Buck so intently he hadn’t realised they had already reached his house.

‘Marisol and I broke up.’ he confessed, as Buck indicated and turned into Eddie’s driveway.

‘Wh- Eddie, I’m so sorry.’ Buck had parked the car, albeit messily. He turned off the engine and finally turned towards Eddie, his whole body shifting in his seat. ‘When? Why?’

‘After the double date.’

‘That was weeks ago, why didn’t you tell me?’ Eddie gained the courage to look back at Buck now, and he knew the moment their eyes met that there was no way he could lie to him - not now he knew the truth.

‘Because you were the reason why,’ he started, making sure to talk fast before he chickened out, not that he really could now, ‘and I knew that if I told you, you would ask why and I’d panic because I knew I couldn’t tell you. So, I told myself you were too busy with Tommy for me to tell you but I was lying to myself. I was just scared.’ Buck was silent for a moment, and Eddie was terrified he’d worked out the subtext of Eddie’s words already and was planning rejection.

Then, almost too quietly, Buck said, ‘It was my fault?’

And Eddie absolutely was not having that.

‘N- God, no, Buck it was my fault. I just- Marisol picked up on something that I hadn’t and I couldn’t tell her she was wrong. So she ended things.’ Eddie had been in such a rush to stop Buck from spiralling that he hadn’t realised he was all but telling Buck he was in love with him until it was too late. Thankfully, Buck still
seemed oblivious.

‘Picked up on what? Eddie, what are you talking about?’

This was his chance, Eddie realised. He’d said he would tell Buck. He hadn’t really been sure until now, but here he was, looking so worried and confused and Eddie knew he’d do anything in the world to change it. And he could. He was single and gay. Buck was single and bisexual. The odds were better than ever.

‘I love you.’ he said, and even just saying it made Eddie feel lighter.

Buck, however, just grew more confused. He and Eddie didn’t say I love you’s much, and when they did it tended to be in pretty dire situations, so he couldn’t even imagine why Eddie was reminding him of it now. Was what led him and Marisol to break up really so bad? Had she said something about Buck and Tommy, and Eddie was trying to preemptively prevent Buck from spiralling? All Buck knew for sure was that the spark he’d previously had in his chest was growing smaller and smaller by the second, and soon it would fizzle out and Buck would have to resign himself to being seen as a brother by Eddie for ever more. He decided at that moment not to fight it, and answer in the way he figured Eddie needed.

‘Yeah, man, I love you too’ he said, wishing more than anything that Eddie could interpret it in the way he truly meant it.

Eddie sighed, realising that they really were as stupid as each other, and he was going to have to spell this out for Buck.

‘No, Evan,’ he said, ‘I love you.’

The silence that filled the car was deafening, disturbed only by the sound of Eddie’s heart breaking. He’d known it was an option. He’d prepared himself for this. Right now, he just needed to get out of this damn car, and whatever came after was Tomorrow Eddie’s problem.

‘Shit, Buck, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.’ Eddie felt stone-cold sober now. He all but fell out of the Jeep, and slammed the door way harder than was probably necessary. He heard Buck’s footsteps following him down the garden path, which he allowed to give him hope for their friendship, but nothing more. ‘I mean, sure you’re bi but that obviously doesn’t mean you’re automatically gonna be into me,’ he began again, fumbling to get his keys out of his pocket and into the lock. He could feel Buck coming up behind him, and it made such a simple task so much more difficult. ‘I just wanted to say it because I’d feeling it for so long, but I only figured it out this week,’ Buck was at his side now, facing him, and this damn key just would not go into the lock, ‘but please, God, don’t let this affect our friendship, or your
relationship with Christopher because I-’

His rant was cut short by a hand on his jaw and Buck’s lips on his, and if Eddie wasn’t completely certain he was gay before, he sure as hell was now. Every single buzzing thought in his brain stilled at the feeling of Buck’s calloused hands holding him in place - holding him together. Eddie realised suddenly that he was just standing there being kissed and, determined to be an active participant in what he hoped would be the rest of his life, he lifted both hands to Buck’s waist, pulling him in closer and deeper. Every nerve in Eddie’s body felt like it was on fire, and if the almost-whine he made at the contact of Eddie’s hands on his waist was any indication, Buck was feeling exactly the same. They pulled away to breathe, but not before Buck pressed a second, far more chaste kiss to Eddie’s lips.

‘You’re rambling, baby. Breathe. Jello, remember?’ Buck said, touching his forehead to Eddie’s and running his hand down his arm to his waist. Eddie melted at the contact, and even more at the nickname, until he felt like he must’ve been slipping through Buck’s fingers.

‘Yeah, jello.’ he managed to reply, making a show of inhaling.

Buck breathed with him and, as the oxygen re-entered his lungs, he felt the previously dying spark grow. At first into a flame, and then into a roaring fire, and he knew, no matter how many years of experience he had, this was an inferno he’d never put out. Once both of their breaths had steadied, Buck forced himself away from Eddie to pick up the keys that’d been dropped on the floor in the middle of their life-changing event. He found the correct key immediately and slid it perfectly into the lock, turning it until it clicked and pushing open the door for Eddie to walk through. The moment they were both on the other side of the door, Buck captured Eddie’s lips once more. This kiss began softly, but very quickly switched to something deeper. Eddie opened himself up to Buck, who blindly dropped the keys on the side before walking Eddie backwards to lean on the back of the couch. Once there, Buck’s lips trailed down Eddie’s neck, nipping and sucking wherever he could. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to get enough.

‘I take it this means you’re into me, too?’ Eddie breathed out, and the almost-growl of his accompanying chuckle gave away far more about his enjoyment of the kiss than he would’ve liked.

Buck, on the other hand, didn’t seem too caught up in hiding his enjoyment, making his way back up Eddie’s jaw, and only stopping to say, ‘Oh, God, yes.’ Before landing his lips back on Eddie’s.

Eddie laughed against Buck’s mouth, but was silenced when he felt Buck drag his teeth along Eddie’s lower lip. Eddie couldn’t feel a single part of his body that wasn’t pressed up against Buck, and he thought he’d die if they didn’t stay like this forever. That’s why, when Buck suddenly stilled, Eddie thought he might be having a real heart attack. The only thing stopping him from spiralling was the fact that Buck hadn’t stepped away, only rearing his head back to look Eddie in the eye.

‘Wait so, does this mean you’re bi, too?’ he said, and Eddie hadn’t even thought about the fact he hadn’t come out to Buck yet. He held back a laugh, smiling softly instead.

‘Uh, gay, actually.’ That seemed to only confuse Buck more.

‘But what about-’

‘Shannon? Ana? Marisol? Yeah, those were some long sessions with Frank. Turns out compulsive heterosexuality exists and I am a victim.’ He tried to make the last part sound lighthearted, but the fact that he had spent so many years chasing something he didn’t even want still haunted him. He didn’t think that feeling would leave him any time soon. What he did know was that he was determined to make the most of the rest of his life and to live the way he’d always subconsciously desired.

‘So, you’ve been speaking to Frank? You’re sure about this?’ The genuine concern in Buck’s eyes was all that was stopping Eddie from grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him. Was he sure about this? How could he not be?

‘This is the first time I’ve ever been this sure about anything.’ He replied, hoping that would be enough and the shoulder shaking wouldn’t be necessary.

‘And what about Chris? Oh God, where’s Chris?’ Buck looked around, clearly panicking now. He tried to step back, but Eddie held him in place. He probably should’ve realised Buck would have the exact same worries as him. He was grateful he’d had the opportunity to work them out with Frank.

‘Sleepover- What about Chris?’

‘Well, I mean, what if he’s not OK with this?’ That forced a laugh from Eddie.

‘Seriously? Oh Buck, sometimes I think that kid likes you more than he likes me, he’ll be fine with it.’

‘And what if we break up? I can’t lose you as my friend, and I can’t lose Chris either.’

‘Now who’s rambling? This thing’s barely started and you’re already planning to break up with me?’

‘Of course not, I just-’

‘Look, I’ve considered everything, Buck, a lot.’ he placed a hand on the other man’s shoulder, his thumb resting just above his collar bone. ‘Frank’s ears are probably still ringing from the amount of panic alarms I had go off when I realised what all this meant.’ Buck looked taken aback by that.

‘You’re panicking too?’

‘Not anymore. I’m in this. 100%. Chris will be ecstatic, I know it, and I don’t plan on letting you go any time soon, so there’s no way you’re losing either of us. You’re it for me.’ Eddie had barely finished his sentence when Buck’s lips met his again, and he was sure he would’ve been knocked backwards with the force of it had he not been leaning against the couch already. Buck pulled the two of them away, and guided Eddie down the hall towards his bedroom.

‘You sure you wanna do this? We can take it slower if you’re not ready?’ He mumbled against Eddie’s lips.

His heart soared when Eddie replied, ‘Whether I knew it or not, I’ve been waiting 6 years for this. There’s no one I’d rather start the rest of my life with.’

***

It wasn’t until an hour later that Buck realised something. He sat bolt upright, knocking a very sleepy Eddie off of his chest.

‘Wh- Buck what’s wrong?’ Eddie murmured, pushing himself up to lean on his elbow.

‘I didn’t say it back.’ responded Buck, and maybe Eddie was just tired but he was pretty sure Buck was making zero sense.

‘You didn’t say what back?’

Buck looked down at Eddie, reaching out for his chin and bringing it up to look in his eyes. He bent down to place a kiss on Eddie’s cheek, just below his left eye. ‘I love you, too.’

‘Oh Buck, I know.’ Eddie smiled up at him, reaching up to plant a kiss on Buck’s birthmark, before gently pushing Buck down and placing his head back on his chest. ‘Now, go back to sleep.’