Chapter Text
A dark cloud hid the sun as they were walking out of the airport. The air is damp and made Mark feel clammy and uncomfortable after being on the plane for hours sitting in cold dry air.
A manager hands them their schedule for the coming few days, containing all their activities and plans for the visit and their room arrangements. Mark was to share with Donghyuck the next two nights. They usually made a point to not share rooms when they were away, for the sake of their own sanities and everyone else. No matter how much he loves Donghyuck, they could only be around each other so much before world war three threatened to break out.
They exchange a look after going through the plans, Donghyuck looking tired and Mark feeling just the same. Their back to back touring mixed with comebacks and promoting were starting to take a toll. For someone who had always endured the busiest of times juggling several groups and activities, even Mark was starting to feel it in his body.
The car ride to the hotel is long and quiet, a pleasant break from the usual screaming and loud talking. Mark has his headphones on, leaning against the headrest and sinking into the car seat, letting the songs soothe him and relax his body.
They arrive at the hotel without any trouble, shuffling inside as quick as possible to prevent anyone from seeing them. Room cards are handed to each of them. Mark walks over to Donghyuck and dangles his card in front of his face and winks.
“Ready to go up?” He asks with a smile. Donghyuck huffs out a laugh.
“Come on.” Mark nudges his arm with his elbow and walks over to the elevator, Donghyuck right behind him.
“I think I’ll take a nap when we’re up. Couldn’t sleep on the plane.” Donghyuck tells him while they wait for the elevator to come down.
He looks at Donghyuck, smiles at him carefully. He was difficult to navigate when he got like this, tired and bordering on indifferent. He’d always been like that, Mark was slowly but surely starting to figure it out.
“Sure. I might do the same.” Mark replies.
The elevator dings before the doors open and they step inside. The ride up is quiet and calm. Upstairs, Mark leads them to their room and opens the door.
“I’m just gonna use the bathroom quickly.” Donghyuck declares and slips away.
There are two beds in the room. Fortunately. He puts down his bag by one of them and sits down. Their suitcases would be delivered up to them in a little while, where Mark’s pajamas were.
“Hey, could you bring me my glasses? They’re in my bag.” Donghyuck yells from the bathroom.
“Sure.” Mark yells back. Looking around him, he spots it laying by the hallway. Mark walked over and picked it up, putting it on the other bed.
Something is rattling inside the bag Mark is holding. He empties out the clothes, a pair of shorts, a t-shirt and a sweater. At the bottom laid a small bottle. He picks it up and reads the label carefully. A bunch of medical terms he can’t understand litters it. Confused, Mark takes it with him together with the glasses and goes to the bathroom.
Mark knocks on the door and waits for Donghyuck to open it. He turns the bottle around in his hand in curiosity. Vitamins? They usually don’t have all these confusing terms on it though, and Donghyuck’s name was on it.
«Hey, Donghyuck?» Mark asks when Donghyuck opens the door. «What is this?» Donghyuck’s eyes widen as they lock in on the item in Mark’s hand. Mark shakes it, and the pills inside rattle.
«Ahh, just supplements.» He waves his hand. Mark doesn’t believe him.
«Why does it have your name on it?» He presses. «If you’re sick you should tell me, we have a concert tomorrow.» Mark gives him a stern look.
«I’m not sick.» Donghyuck replies in annoyance.
«Come on, this is prescription drugs.» Mark wasn’t playing. Donghyuck always pushed himself too far. Always forced himself to his limits to please others, always afraid to disappoint.
«I’m not gonna tell anyone. Just tell me, as your leader.» Mark resorts to.
Donghyuck puts his hands in his pockets looks away from him.
«I don’t know how to say this Mark.» He sighs. Donghyuck’s resistance made worry build up in Mark’s stomach.
«Please?»
As Donghyuck opens his mouth, Mark’s heart breaks a bit for every word he says, until his own chest is rattling with its own broken pieces.
«What do you mean?» Mark whispers. «Why didn’t you say anything?» Mark had known pain, but this was worse than anything he had experienced.
«Was never a good time.» Donghyuck wraps his arms around himself and lowers his head to look down at the floor again.
«Do you not want to live any longer?» Mark was rambling, a mix of shock, grief and panic taking over his body.
Donghyuck shuffles around uncomfortably, shrugging. «Some days no, some days yes. The pills work though.» he tries to play it off with a laugh no one would believe.
‘Some days no’ Was all Mark could hear, playing on repeat in his head.
“No?” Mark panics. “Donghyuck I…” Mark was losing his words, stuttering and chocking.
How did he not notice? When did he stop paying attention? Mark got nauseous with guilt.
«Since when?» Mark chocked.
«I don’t know when it started, but I got the medication a couple of months ago.» Donghyuck’s voice was just a breath.
Mark saw Donghyuck’s eyes starting to water before he turned around to hide himself. Donghyuck never cried, he always stopped himself as soon as he felt it coming. He was an ugly crier, he once joked, didn’t want anyone to see it. Mark didn’t really get it. It’s always ugly whenever someone cries out of pain or sadness. He rushed over to him.
«Hey,» Mark whispers, wrapping his arms around him and holding him tightly. «It’s never a good time.» Mark’s eyes welled up as he felt Donghyuck begin to shake between his arms. «Come here.» Mark turned him around in his arms and held him tightly against his chest. He could hear him sobbing into him. Mark only held onto him harder, petted his hair and drew a breath.
«I’m so sorry I didn’t notice. I’m so sorry you’ve had to be alone.» Mark says and felt Donghyuck clenching his hands in Mark’s shirt.
Donghyuck didn’t say anything. He just cried, voice coming out in painful sobs. Mark never wanted to hear him cry like that ever again.
Everyone has noticed something had been off with Donghyuck lately. His familiar smile and abundant laughter suddenly rarer, his teasing and joking going away slowly but surely, how he seemed so much more serious about everything. Mark had just assumed he’s been maturing, that he was tired and burnt out from their crazy schedule. He never thought it would be like this.
A minute or two went by of Donghyuck muffling his cries in Mark’s chest, putting even more weight onto his already clenching heart. Mark whispering comforting words and holding him tightly.
“Come on, let’s sleep.” Mark muttered when Donghyuck had calmed down a little.
Donghyuck didn’t say anything in response. Only nodding and pulling away with his head down, hidden from Mark’s eyes. Mark reached down for his hand before he disappeared, following him over to the bed.
Donghyuck sat down and reached for the clothes laying on the bed that Mark had already taken out for him.
“Do you want me to stay?” He whispered while Donghyuck changed into shorts and a new t-shirt. Donghyuck stilled for a moment, Mark saw the gears starting to turn in his head. He crouched and squeezed Donghyuck’s hands were they laid in his lap and smiled carefully.
Donghyuck nodded, lifting his sheets and slipping under them. Mark followed him and slipped under the duvet, carefully laying an arm over Donghyuck’s body to hold him and pulled himself close.
Donghyuck had been his home. Every group, every concert, every comeback, save from his short period with SuperM, there was always only one constant - Donghyuck.
Mark couldn’t imagine a world without him. Not in this life. Not in any other.
Donghyuck is warm against him, his body working at a different temperature than Mark’s. Mark used his free hand to run his fingers through Donghyuck’s hair. It is soft like silk between them, not stiff the way Mark’s is.
Mark laid there with his fingers running through his hair waiting in the dark for Donghyuck to fall asleep before he dared to close his eyes.
A million thoughts ran through his head as he laid there. A whirlwind of emotions filled his body to the brim. Worry, for Donghyuck’s wellbeing. Guilt for not seeing him and noticing. Sorrow from the thought of Donghyuck not being there any longer. Relief of knowing before it was too late. And finally, a strong sense of determination.
Donghyuck would get well again, he wouldn’t be alone, he wouldn’t be pushed, he would be seen and understood. Mark was going to be there, wherever and whenever. Because, no matter how bad he wanted to fix it there was only one person in the world who could do that. Only Donghyuck himself could teach himself how to love life again. Mark had no other choice but to stand by him and try to catch him if he was to stumble or fall, no matter how long it would take.
When he felt soft and steady breaths coming from Donghyuck, Mark finally closed his eyes and fell asleep in the comfort of holding his best friend and borrowing his warmth.
No matter what it takes.