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Chapter Text

When it was the end of her shift and he wasn't there to pick her up as promised, she'd briefly considered running home. She hadn't heard from Itsuomi all day, which wasn't unheard of, but she couldn't shake the ominous feeling that loomed over her like a shadow. The texts he had sent in the afternoon were... different. It was like she could tell that on the other side of the screen, his fingers were hesitant. His words, the punctuation, his tone —all of it felt off, reluctant even. And now, despite his last text asking if he could pick her up from work, he hadn't shown up.

She hurried home, eager to lay eyes on Itsuomi's face.

Their apartment was pitch black, so she flipped on the foyer light before their front door closed. She slipped her shoes off and padded into the living room. Itsuomi laid out on the couch, the ice pack sleep mask they'd invested in covering his eyes. A frown crossed Yuki's face.

Another headache, she mused, tiptoeing to the bedroom to put her bag away. Poor Itsuomi.

It had started with a few headaches here and there, but then they started coming day after day. Sometimes sticking around for weeks. His grades slipped, his extracurriculars suffered and suddenly, Kyouya began sending him home early from his shifts at the bar. She'd later learn that he'd started becoming dizzy and physically ill at work; Kyouya had mentioned it to Rin, who had mentioned it to Yuki in a concerned text.

Yuki watched in worry as he tried to persevere for weeks, eventually urging him to see a doctor, which he had this afternoon.

Itsuomi's hand reached up, gently sliding the mask off, blue eyes squinting against the overhead lighting.

"Yuki?" he asked, rubbing his eyes in slight confusion before the realization set in. "What time is it? I'm sorry, I was going to—" She shook her head and smiled, trying to allay his distress. "Still, I said I was going to pick you up. I'm sorry I didn’t. Welcome home."

"I'm glad you got some sleep," she signed, fingers moving slowly. "Do you have another headache?" He nodded gingerly, trying not to aggravate the pain. "Did you get any answers today?"

He sat up carefully, motioning for her to sit beside him. She sat on the couch, not once taking her eyes off him. He moved to face her, but seemed fidgety and very clearly uncomfortable. What she would never be able to get from his voice, she could see on his face and in his body language. Reluctance -- plain as day on his face. It was almost as if he'd gone through the five stages of grief in mere seconds right before her. She could see it all, but one emotion seemed unfamiliar on his usually unflappable face.

Maybe not reluctance... was that fear? Try as he might, he wasn't able to conceal it from her.

"Yuki, I have," he paused. "...news." He stared into her eyes, trying to find the words. He seemed so uncharacteristically nervous to speak that it made her nervous as well.

What could he be hiding? What was so terrible that he couldn't tell her?

"Yuki, I... I don't know how to tell you."

"Whatever is going on, we can work it out, Yuki signed before taking his hand. He sighed heavily, staring down at her hands.

"There is..." he began, swallowing hard. "a tumor growing--" He brought his hand to his head, pointing. "in my brain." Her eyes widened. "It's been there a while, apparently. It's just been extremely slow growing and hasn't caused me any trouble until now." He kept his gaze anywhere other than her face. "Thankfully, it's treatable with surgery, but..." She waited for him to meet her gaze, but for the first time in their relationship, he kept her waiting. "There's a decent probability that I might lose my vision." His sorrow, thick and heavy, permeated the room. "I understand if this... changes how you feel about me." He gave her hands a gentle squeeze before letting them go.

Yuki took a deep breath and tried to process through her shock. She had to keep positive. Yuki reached up and cupped his cheek but he still refused to look at her. How was she supposed to respond if he wouldn't look at her?

She gathered her courage and pinched his cheek, surprising him enough to get him to meet her gaze.

"Yuki...?"

"Itsuomi," she signed, "This changes nothing. We can figure this out together."

"What are we going to do?" he asked, "You worked so hard to get your passport. I promised to show you the world--"

"Don't worry about all that," she signed, fingers confident. "The most important thing is you getting well."

"But--" She shook her head, quieting him again.

"There will be plenty of time for us to travel once you are better."

"I'm scared,” he blurted. “I’m scared we won't be able to communicate. The thought of us being unable to understand each other is unbearable." The fear in his eyes wrenched her heart, but in spite of it, she smiled.

"Even blind, we can still communicate via sign language. If need be, we can finger spell against each other's hands. There's communication apps, too! And if things get too rough, I can always..." she paused, placing her hands in her lap and taking a deep breath to steel her resolve. "Speak-- to-- you-- directly." His eyes widened and tears welled up as the fear in them faded to adoration.

"Yuki, you... you spoke to me."

"You and I can face anything," she replied, trying to sound as confident as possible. He kept staring, his adoration overflowing.

"You have such a beautiful voice. Thank you."

"We are going to get you through this together."

"I can't believe I worried that you might leave." She shook her head.

"Never. You are precious to me, Itsuomi. I treasure you." He placed his head on her shoulder and the dam broke. She could feel his heart hammering away in his chest. His shoulders shook as his tumultuous emotions, as vast as the ocean, crashed through his body. She rubbed his back and sat quietly, a guilt-ridden curiosity overcoming her.

Yuki couldn't help but wonder what it sounded like when he cried.

Chapter Text

He could count on one hand how many people knew about his condition and if he was being honest? That’s how he wanted it to stay. Yuki had asked him if he kept it to himself due to the difficult nature of the news, and well, she wasn’t wrong.

Itsuomi was loathe to admit it, but he wasn’t looking forward to all the attention it would inevitably get him. The veritable onslaught of worried and well meaning text messages was something that he’d prefer to avoid. And aside from the feeling of impending doom he got when he thought about going blind, it wasn’t even that serious!

He’d been back to the doctor since the diagnosis for a few more tests and the findings were mostly positive. The tumor was low grade and had distinct edges, which made it easier to make sure the entire thing was removed. The biggest problem was that it was tucked away in his occipital lobe and while that could be worse, he wasn’t ready to lose sight of her.

He wanted to burn her visage into his memory. He wanted to keep watching her hands move with beauty and grace. He wanted to keep on hearing her silent, elegant words.

The best the doctor could offer was active monitoring. They would put the surgery off for as long as possible. Itsuomi had a few goalposts in mind already; graduation at worst, his two year trip overseas at most and, of course, never at best.

So far, it hadn’t caused more trouble than a few headaches and dizzy spells and that was something he was able to handle. Yes, his grades had suffered a bit, but he could adjust. He could work harder. And if it was something that he could handle, was it something that he needed to tell everyone?

Telling Kyouya would just result in him badgering Itsuomi until he told his parents and he couldn’t risk his father uprooting his little sister in the middle of her school year. Telling Kyouya would also mean that Rin would know, and Rin would worry incessantly. She’d start going out of her way to do things for them.

Even telling Shin felt like too much. If Shin knew, then Emma knew and Emma would definitely start coming to the bar to bother him more.

It was all a mess. But worst of all, he had to tell them. Yuki had asked him to promise; something about it being unkind to rob people of their ability to worry and care for you.

Three weeks had already blown by without him telling anyone. He didn’t want them to worry. He didn't need them to worry; he was fine.

He hadn't told anyone else and didn't know how. Yuki hadn’t brought it up again and he’d promised her. He couldn’t break a promise and especially not one to her, but if he spilled the beans now, would he be patronized and pitied?

Or worse yet, would they clip his wings and try to force him into putting his dreams on hold?

It was a promise he’d made, but it weighed heavily on his mind.

His phone vibrated as a text message came in from Kyouya.

“Hey Itsu, you coming in tonight or do you have another migraine?” Another vibration. “It’s okay if you can’t.” He had to keep carrying on like normal.

"I'm good for tonight."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm coming in. 7 to close, right?"

"Yep."

—

Work had stayed relatively uneventful with a few customers here and there. It was late when Itsuomi realized he hadn’t been spared. Pain bloomed behind his eyes, sharp, angry and relentless. He reached up to massage the bridge of his nose and let out a long sigh.

“You good?” Kyouya asked, looking up from the glass he’d been cleaning.

“I’m good,” Itsuomi replied, leaning against the bar, “Just a little tired.”

“You sure? I can close up alone, it’s fine.”

“It’s just two more hours, I got it.”

“Whatever you say, man.” Kyouya seemed skeptical, but relented. “But you might want rethink your answer once you see who’s coming this way.” Itsuomi looked up and let out another long sigh. Shin and Emma stumbled in through the door, rowdy, pregamed and asking for him. “What is it that they say about hindsight?” Kyouya asked, pointing them to a table.

“You goofballs want a beer?” Itsuomi asked, amusedly watching as both Shin and Emma stuck out their tongues and asked him to mix something. “Of course, silly me,” he announced. “I forgot that you two are fancy cocktail people now.” Emma was sick of beer and wine and Shin was just along for the ride with her.

Itsuomi didn’t bother asking their orders and shook up a southside for Emma and yuzu whiskey sour for Shin. He was just about to take them over, but something felt… off. His ears were buzzing and his vision began to flicker.

Emma was shrieking, Shin had vaulted himself over the bar and Kyouya had his phone out. Itsuomi came to and tried to sit up, but his hand slipped in something wet and sharp.

“Don’t move,” Shin said, his buzz gone and eyes wide. "What the hell, Itsu?"

"What's going on?" His question fell on deaf ears. "Why am I sticky?" Itsuomi asked again, confusion bleeding into his tone. He'd made their cocktails and now he was on the floor. The time in between was a great big blank.

"That’s what we’d like to know, man," Kyouya replied, trying to keep calm. Emma peered over the bar, caught a glimpse of him and bolted to the bathroom, face pale. “That was one hell of a fall.”

"Never thought I'd see the day that the sight of you would make Emma puke," Shin joked anxiously. "Also, red would be a killer color to dye your hair next."

Sirens wailed off in the distance, cluing him into the fact that Kyouya had already called emergency services.

Itsuomi tried sitting up again. Once he'd succeeded, he attempted to get to his feet, but was stopped by Shin.

“Don’t get up, you fell and cracked your head.”

"I'm fine, I'm fi-- whoa, is that blood?" The adrenaline finally wore off enough for him to feel the throbbing in his head, he reached up to touch his face and found it wet and sticky. He looked at his hands, saw blood and swooned. Shin grabbed his shirt and steadied him against the bar as he regained his composure. "I should sit down."

“You are sitting down," Shin said, trying to clean him up with a bar towel. “Sorry, the blood is going to stain your hair.” As the sound of sirens grew ever louder and closer, Kyouya made another phone call.

“Hey, Rin, sorry for calling so late, but I’ve gotta take Itsu to the—”

“No. No, I don’t need to go to the hospital,” he huffed, “I've got to get home to Yuki or else she'll worry."

“Rin’s going to go to your place, explain what happened and spend the night with Yuki."

Shin and Emma stayed behind to clean and close up while Kyouya spent the night at the hospital with Itsuomi.

Four stitches, a CT scan, an MRI and an EEG later, he had mild concussion and seizures to add to his pile of medical dread. Given his previous diagnosis and Kyouya’s testimony (and the fact it happened again during the EEG), it’d been determined that he’d had a seizure and there was decent risk of him having more if left untreated. They prescribed an antiepileptic and sent him on his way in the morning with strict orders to rest and follow up with his regular neurologist.

As they passed through the hospital doors, Kyouya was the first to break the silence.

"You have a regular neurologist??" He asked, prompting Itsuomi to visibly wince at his volume.

"Not so loud, it's already too bright this morning," he grumbled, squinting as they stepped out into the bright, morning sunlight. "You think I'd look okay with sunglasses? And yes, I have a regular neurologist."

"Since when? And what’s this about a previous diagnosis? What's going on with you, man?" Kyouya asked. "You sick or something?" Itsuomi huffed, figuring it was time. If he avoided it here, Kyouya would just keep worrying. Now or never.

"Yeah, actually. I've been meaning to mention it," he began. "I have a brain tumor." Kyouya stopped in his tracks, stunned by his cousin's matter of fact (and frankly underwhelmed) declaration.

"What?" Kyouya replied, flustered.

"What?" Itsuomi repeated, tired. “C’mon. I want to get home, kiss my girlfriend and wash the blood out of my hair.”

"What do you mean what? You can't just casually tell me news like that and act like nothing's going on. I'm going to need some details, Itsu. Details!" Itsuomi stopped and turned around, giving the back of his neck a gentle rub.

"I'm honestly beat. Too beat to give you an in depth explanation. I went to the doctor because I've been feeling off. It's a brain tumor. It's benign. Treatable. Can we leave it at that for now?"

"Hell no!" Kyouya replied, annoyed and exasperated. Itsuomi groaned, a slight pout on his face. He should have picked never instead of now. "First things first: does Yuki know?"

"She's the first person I told. Her and Johannes."

"How long have they known?"

“...a month?” Itsuomi replied, “And before you ask, that’s when I found out.” There was a lull in their conversation before Kyouya broke the silence again.

“Why didn’t you tell me?" The hurt in his voice was slight and almost sounded like betrayal. “We’re family. I promised your dad that I’d look out for you.”

"It’s not like I was planning to keep you in the dark," Itsuomi replied, watching Kyouya resist the urge to roll his eyes and call him a liar. "There wasn't really a great time to bring it up."

"You’re going to tell Emma and Shin, right?” Looking down at his bloodied shirt, Itsuomi’s mind was overcome with muddled memories of the previous night.

“Well, I guess I have to now, don’t I?” He lamented, looking sour.

“Are you seriously pouting? You kind of owe it to them at this point, Itsu.” The silence returned for a beat. “Have you told your dad?”

“Not yet, but you’ll be happy to know that Yuki and Johannes both made me promise that I’d tell him.” 

“Of course they did. You still able to go to school?” Kyouya replied, turning the conversation to his plans. Much to Kyouya’s chagrin, Itsuomi made no plans to slow down. The medicine he’d been prescribed was supposed to prevent other seizures from happening, so he was still planning to go to school and clubs and wanted to keep working.

“What about traveling?” Kyouya asked.

“What about it?”

“You’re not making any plans, are you?” Itsuomi stayed quiet. “Come on, man.”

“Don’t worry so much, Kyouya,” he replied, turning the corner. “I don’t have any plans.” Kyouya sighed in relief. It wasn't a lie; he hadn't made any plans to travel yet, but it was always in the back of his mind. 

“Good. You shouldn’t travel until you're better.” Kyouya's words struck a chord, rousing worries that Itsuomi had never thought about before. He could travel with a brain tumor, right? Could he travel easily if he went blind? Would he need special accommodations? What about his dream? Would he still be able to teach?

His heart was racing. The weight of his thoughts forcing his mind into overdrive. He took a deep breath. He was almost home. He could make it home. He could greet Rin and give Yuki a kiss. There was still dried blood in his hair, he would be able to excuse himself to the shower and stand under the water for as long as he needed to to be able to calm down.

His plans were foiled once he realized Yuki had seen him walking down the street. She’d bolted out of the apartment, downstairs and down the street to meet him with Rin hot on her heels. Itsuomi’s mind eased as she began to fret over him, her fingers moving so quickly he had a hard time keeping up. Somewhere in her signs, he recognized are you alright and I love you but everything else was a jumble. His heart sank, but he tried to hide it. Was this due to the effects of the concussion? He couldn’t tell.

Kyouya and Rin were looking, but he didn’t care. He apologized for worrying her, brought her into his arms and kissed her, all the while trying to hold on to the thought that as long as he as he had her, he could get through anything.

Chapter Text

The vibrations of her alarm clock would have roused her had she not already been awake. Yuki turned off her alarm, stretched and sat up, glancing over at her still sleeping boyfriend.

Itsuomi was a morning person. He was the type of guy to roll out of bed with an enviable ease and make breakfast. He'd eat while perusing the newspaper, wash the dishes and get ready for the day before plopping back down on the couch to watch the international news. Since moving in together, he'd altered his schedule in minute ways to include her and she'd been swept up into his rhythm.

Yuki wasn't sure if it was the concussion or the medication, but his rhythm had shifted and slowed in the past week.

He jolted awake almost every night at four in the morning, a full two hours before they usually got up. He would get up and disappear, then return an hour later smelling of bathroom cleaner and mouthwash. She thought to follow him, but couldn't bring herself to. Yuki wanted to spare him the potential embarrassment.

As per the hospital's discharge instructions, he'd gone to see his doctor again and had been prescribed yet another medication. It was something to try to shrink the tumor. That's all he told her, so that was all she knew.

Yuki was worried, but she didn't want to pry. She knew he didn't want to slow down. He wanted to keep surgery as the last possible option, he'd told her as much, but it was obvious he was struggling to maintain his normal schedule.

Between trying to bring his grades back up, studying for finals, going to work and trying to maintain a social life, the lack of sleep had him shambling around like a zombie.

She stared down at him, noting the slight darkness that had started to creep in under his eyes. Even sleeping, Itsuomi looked exhausted. He had dragged himself through the week to get to today. Today was their first day off since that night at the bar and she'd made no plans to wake him. He needed the rest.

He was laid out on his stomach, arm dangling over the side of the bed and his stained, disheveled hair hung limply in his face, obscuring his eyes. Yuki brushed it away and took a look at his stitches. He'd been reluctant to show them to her, so the first and only time she'd gotten to take a look was when he stumbled out of the bathroom, fresh from the shower with a bloody hand towel pressed to his head. Pale and anxious, he admitted that he’d forgotten they were there and washed his hair too roughly, jostling them enough to cause them to bleed.

He had been reluctant and embarrassed to admit that he was squeamish when it came to blood — especially his own — and while he’d tried to reassure himself that the wound was only bleeding like that because the scalp had a lot of capillaries, he wasn’t able to truly calm down until she checked it over and made sure it hadn’t torn open.

Yuki couldn't admit it to him that she was happy to discover new things about him. She found his admission adorable, especially when he sighed “it's pretty childish, I know...” with a heavy blush on his face.

Itsuomi wasn't necessarily secretive about things, but living together had shown her sides of him that she wouldn't have seen otherwise and with every new discovery, her love and admiration grew immeasurably.

The stitches had begun to dissolve and a scar had taken their place. It was a light scar and mostly beyond his hairline, it wouldn't be visible to someone who didn't already know it was there. She pressed a gentle kiss to his face and figured she'd do what he did on their days off: wait for him to wake up, greet him with a grin and a kiss on the nose and wish him a good morning.

It was 8am when his blue eyes fluttered open, blearily scanning the room before meeting her gaze. She kissed his nose and grinned.

"Good morning!"

"G'mornin'," he said through a yawn. "Mmmm, sorry." He signed good morning, then pulled her into a hug. Settling against his chest, she closed her eyes and focused in on the feeling of his heartbeat. The familiar rhythm of his heart was something she regarded like a beautiful secret; only she knew it from this close.

She felt Itsuomi's voice, deep and soft, rumble in his chest, looked up and found him in the middle of another yawn. Yuki pulled away and sat up, watching as he followed suit and sat up slowly, a slight grimace crossing his features. "You hungry?"

She nodded, responding with "I could eat!" and "What were you thinking of for breakfast?"

Being the early riser of the two, he usually made breakfast for the both of them, but based entirely on the fact that he staggered upon getting to his feet, she could tell that this probably wasn't going to be his best day. She approached with a smile, her hands ready to steady him if he were to fall. He ended up sitting back down for a beat, the embarrassment on his face there and gone again like a flash of lightning. Itsuomi stood back up and started toward the living room, Yuki in tow. She took his hand, led him to the couch and sat him down with the paper. "I was thinking some toast? But I can—" She shook her head, signing,

"You always make us breakfast. Please, let me." He went to protest, but backed off when he saw the bright smile on her face. "Rye or white bread?" He pointed to the notebook they kept on the table, a tiny smile playing with the corners of his lips.

"Auf Deutsch?" he asked, enunciating slowly. "Was ist es auf Deutsch?" She stared for a moment before it clicked that he wasn't speaking Japanese, but German. She eagerly grabbed the notebook and opened to a blank page.

In German, she thought, tapping the pen against the page. Hmmm, «What's for breakfast» would be... She started writing, Was ist fur Fruh essen... then paused, glancing up at him for approval. He shook his head and she handed him the pen, watching him correct her mistakes.

Was essen wir zum Frühstück? he wrote at the top of the page. "What do we eat for breakfast?" he said, as she took the pen and thought for a moment.

Itsuomi, willst du Roggenbrot Toast essen? Willst du mit schwarzem Kaffee trinkt? Willst du ein Ei? Käse? she wrote.

Ja, ich will ein Ei und Käse auch. Dankeschon, mein schatz.

Bitte! Yuki enjoyed their German lessons and she felt like she was learning so much from them. They had conversations daily in the notebook because "the best way to learn to speak conversationally is to just jump in", or so he told her.

"You're really improving," he said, "I just know that you and Eimi are going to hit it off, she is so excited to meet you."

Yesterday at 6:45 in the morning, Itsuomi made the call to his parents to explain his situation.

He'd been so stressed about the call that the concept of time zones escaped him and realized too late that it was nearly midnight in Germany. He spent an hour talking his father out of boarding the first possible flight to Japan. He successfully convinced him to wait until his little sister's Christmas break to fly out. They would just miss his birthday, but Itsuomi didn't seem too concerned; he was looking forward to spending the day with just her.

Yuki made her way to the stove and got breakfast prepared. By the time it was plated, Itsuomi was nodding off on the couch. He sat upright with his head drooping forward and his eyes slowly creeping shut. She felt terrible for having to wake him, but he needed to eat breakfast before he could take his medications. She poured him a cup of black coffee and a cup of water and placed them on a tray with his breakfast, then went to grab his medicine out of the cabinet in the bathroom. She double checked the labels for the dosages, then placed the pills on the tray. Yuki brought everything out to the table and sat down to nudge him awake.

Itsuomi was quick to rouse, but slow to actually process. He looked over to her and she apologized, pointing at the scrambled eggs.

"I messed up the eggs, the yolks broke."

"Don't worry about it. Thank you for making breakfast." Yuki wasn’t sure if it was the stress of school or if starting the medication had stolen his appetite. Their fridge was overflowing with leftovers of almost every meal they'd shared during the week and she was having a hard time finishing everything. He started to eat and she found herself watching. She tried not to make it obvious, but she was still convinced he could hear her thoughts.

She knew he knew that she was watching him — every bite seemed intentional and after a while, forced. After he finished, he thanked her again, took his medicine and tried to focus on the news. Yuki took their dishes to the sink and as she was washing, Itsuomi wandered over to help dry them and put them away.

Yuki kept watching him out of the corner of her eye as he struggled to effectively towel off the dishes.

She couldn't help it. What was going on in his thoughts? Was he hiding things from her to keep her from worrying? Or maybe he wanted to avoid the possibility of her treating him differently?

Their eyes met and he forced himself to smile, she could tell.

"...are you okay?" she asked, worry in every sign she made. "We don't have anything to do today. If you don't feel well or need to rest, you should."

"Nah," he replied. "I'm fine. Coffee should be kicking in soon." Eyes nearly closed, he turned back to resume his task and she tried to keep the worry off her face.

Yuki made a decision. Something just for now. If he was that desperate for normalcy, she would take his lies and believe them.

Chapter Text

Itsuomi struggled to relax. He was laid out in bed, arm draped over his eyes and Yuki, still sleeping away, was snuggled up against his side.

In spite of his less than stellar week, he'd made it to Saturday — to their brief, but much needed winter break. His phone chirped and he reached over to grab it off the nightstand, being careful not to wake Yuki. He glanced at the screen, unsurprised that it was Kyouya who texted him. He texted daily now, just to check in.

Kyouya: I know I'm probably getting annoying, but are you doing okay? Need anything?

Itsuomi: I'm fine, Kyou.

He was half lying, but only because saying I'm fine was infinitely easier than explaining he felt as if his brains were splattered against his skull.

Itsuomi: I don't need anything.

Itsuomi could almost hear Kyouya sighing on the other side of the screen.

Kyouya: You know that I do want you at work, right? You understand why I can't schedule you, right?

He did understand; the work week had been... awful. If he wasn't spilling drinks or fumbling entire plates like an amateur, he was spacing out and forgetting orders. Though, he was sure that Kyouya's last straw had been the phantom customer that Itsuomi had sworn walked in and placed an order.

Itsuomi: Yeah.

Kyouya: You should relax. Try and focus on resting.

Kyouya taking him off the schedule honestly hadn't been much of a surprise, but Rin dropping off a week's worth of dinner was. And the biggest surprise had been getting text messages from his father, asking how much he'd need each month for rent, gas and electric. Itsuomi was grateful for the support, but knew it reeked of Kyouya's well meaning meddling.

Itsuomi: I get it. I'll relax.

Since there was a lot on his plate between tomorrow and when their break ended, he'd have to try to relax extra hard today.

Well, that had been his plan until three new texts rolled in.

Shin: Hey.

Shin: Come to the salon today. Kyouya told me you don't have anything better to do.

Shin: I can't have you walking around with your hair looking like that. Especially not on your first Christmas Eve with Ms. Girlfriend. Itsuomi sighed. His hair was a mess. In his attempts to remove the bloodstains, he'd accidentally bleached part of it blonde with hydrogen peroxide and to add insult to injury, the bloodstains were still there. He put his arm around Yuki and tugged her closer.

Itsuomi: What time should I be there?

—

"I'll be right with y— oh. It's you," Shin announced, the customer service leaving his body. "You know where to sit." Unless it was his imagination running away with him, Itsuomi swore he heard a bite of annoyance. He breezed over to Shin's station to hang up his coat and scarf and sit down. Shin found his way over as well, carding his fingers through Itsu's hair and crinkling his nose. "You were planning on doing the holidays with your hair like this? These roots are criminal."

"Sorry, I've been a little preoccupied lately." It wasn't untrue, but it felt wrong.

"What color should we do this time?"

"Black," Itsuomi replied, "I don't mean to stifle your creativity, but black. At least for the holidays."

"You sure you don't want to dye it red?" he asked, "It's you, so you'll pull it off. You can pull off anything."

"I'm pretty sure if I came home with red in my hair again, Yuki would faint."

"Black it is, then," Shin replied, placing a warm towel on the back of Itsu's neck before snapping on the cape. "Want me to cut it too?"

"You can play around, yeah." There was an awkwardness between them and Itsuomi could tell Shin was holding back his questions as he started pouring the developer and dye into the mixing bowl. "I am your guinea pig after all."

Itsuomi loved watching Shin work; his friend was extremely skilled at his craft and wasn't afraid to flex his skills if given the green light. He grabbed a brush out of his holster and gave the color a cursory mix. Since there was no need for foils, the process of painting the dye onto Itsuomi's hair was pretty quick. Once he was done, he set a timer and plopped down in the chair at the adjacent station.

"It's thirty five minutes to process," he said, pulling out his phone. "After that's up, we'll rinse, alright?" The silence, amplified by the smooth jazz background music, festered between them.

"...I'm sensing an elephant in the room," Itsuomi said, "Wanna talk about it?" Shin huffed, keeping his eyes glued to his phone.

"It's been like, what? Almost two weeks now?" he asked. "Since that night at the bar, I mean. If you really don't want to tell us, it's your own business. But I'm not going to lie, we've been worried."

"I could keep avoiding it, but you'd probably get mad at me, huh?"

"Duh," Shin replied, "If you're gonna talk, then talk. And don't tell me some unoriginal bullshit like I just tripped." Itsuomi was silent for a moment before letting out a long sigh.

"Fine." He glanced over at Shin, who still hadn't looked up from his phone. "It was a seizure." Shin immediately looked up, his eyes wide behind his sunglasses.

"...for real?" he asked, "You're being serious right now?"

"Yeah. It happened again at the hospital, so I got put on some medication to control them." Shin put his phone down, devoting his full attention.

"Oh damn." His voice was... sympathetic. "Did they figure out why?"

"Yeah, actually, they did. But they already knew why." Despite his gaze staying steady, Itsuomi paused to collect his thoughts. The smell of the dye was starting to give him a headache. "It's a—"

The timer interrupted him.

When he didn't continue, Shin got up and, motioning to the sinks, wandered over. He started setting things up, clearly trying to keep his patience. Itsuomi went to stand, but his vision was swimming. He gripped the armrests, taking a deep breath and tried to stave off the dizziness.

"You coming?"

"Yeah, yeah. Gimme a minute," he replied. Figuring lightheaded was better than dizzy, he meandered over and sat down in the chair by the sink. He laid back, closed his eyes and tried to relax. Shin reached for the hose and started the water, testing the water on his open palm before rolling up his sleeves and snapping on a pair of gloves. He pressed the nozzle to Itsu's temple, taking care not to scrub too hard over the scar. Shin gently raked his gloved hands through Itsu's hair as he brought the nozzle up and around the nape of his neck, scrubbing out the dye. The water turned off and he dropped the hose into the sink.

"Well?" Itsuomi opened his eyes and, face to face with his best friend, swallowed his hesitation. He couldn't stall anymore. Itsuomi explained everything, but Shin didn't seem phased. He barely reacted, violet eyes laser focused on shampooing every inch of Itsu's hair. "Yeah," he replied. "I kinda figured." He picked up the nozzle and began to rinse.

"You already knew?" Itsuomi closed his eyes to avoid Shin's semi-annoyed gaze and the mist from the nozzle. "Why bother with making me explain? Why not just tell me you know?"

"Because I think I deserve to hear news of that magnitude from my best friend's mouth? Or are we not friends like I thought?"

"It's not like I wasn't going to tell you." Even as Itsuomi tried to apologize, Shin tried to conceal his bruised feelings behind annoyance. "Did Kyouya or Rin tell you?" Itsuomi already had a feeling who let it slip.

"Not telling. Did you tell Emma?"

"I haven't."

Silence.

Shin pointed the nozzle straight into Itsu's face, splashing him with a torrent of lukewarm water. He jumped, eyes snapping open and water going everywhere.

"Why are you waterboarding me?"

"You're lucky that's all I'm doing," Shin replied. "Unless you aren't about to ask me to tell her."

"I didn't even say anything," Itsuomi replied, on the defensive.

"You didn't need to. Lay back down so I can finish." He did as told, a chill shooting down his spine as the water temperature shifted from pleasantly warm to freezing cold. "You cannot blame me for what she does when she finds out."

"S'cold."

"You're a big boy. Deal with it." Once everything was rinsed out, Shin grabbed a towel and threw it at his face. Itsuomi sat up and dried off before letting the towel rest across his neck. "Back to the chair."

Back at his station, Shin pulled out his scissors.

"Hey. Before I let you come near my head and neck with something sharp, I have to ask: are you mad? Or not?"

"I am," Shin replied. "But I'm not about to butcher you over it." He started combing and snipping. "Also? I'm not going to lie and say I didn't expect this from you." Another long and awkward silence bloomed between them, amplified by the sound of the blow dryer. As soon as his hair was dry, Shin tore off the towels and cape. “All done,” he announced, tossing the comb into the jar of disinfectant at his station. “…you dumbass cat.”

“…cat?” Itsuomi asked. “I thought I was a guinea pig.”

“When cats get sick, they tend to keep to themselves. It’s just in their nature, they shut you out. By the time you realize that they’re sick— that they need help — it’s too late.” He gathered up the mixing bowl and brush and tossed them into the utility sink for cleaning. “What I’m trying to say is: we can only care about you if you let us. Don’t shut us out.” Itsuomi stood and reached for his wallet, but Shin started to push him to the front. “Don’t be a cat.”

“Whoa, hey. Hold on, don’t I have to pay you?” He asked, stumbling along as Shin pushed him toward the exit.

“No. Happy friggin’ birthday.”

—

Itsuomi hadn't been expecting to find a pair of high heels in the entryway when he got home, but there they were. Placed neatly right next to Yuki's cute little winter boots. And while they very well could have belonged to Rin, Itsuomi couldn't ignore the slight dread that washed over him. He took off his coat and scarf and hung them up, then kicked off his shoes and slipped into his house slippers. He shuffled into the main room and let out an audible sigh. Their guest looked to him, a frown on her face.

"How'd you find out where we live?" He asked, leaning on the doorframe as he looked to Yuki and smiled, signing I'm home.

"Shin told me," Emma said, frown turning into a sour pout as he and Yuki signed back and forth. He sat down on the couch, eventually turning his attention back to Emma.

She stared at him.

"Were you waiting long?"

"Shin told me," she repeated. "He told me everything." Itsuomi huffed.

"Man. I guess he was angrier than I thought."

"I knew something was wrong, but you're like... really friggin sick!" Tears welled up in her eyes, threatening to spill over at any moment. "Why didn't you tell me? Why'd I have to find out secondhand?"

"To be fair, he didn't give me much of a chance to explain myself; he only found out an hour ago." Itsuomi explained himself for the second time that day and Emma hung on his every word, her eyes wide. As he finished up his explanation, trying to put emphasis on the fact that he was doing fine and would be fine. Emma turned to Yuki.

"This isn't the first time you're hearing about this too, is it?"

"Emma, she's my girlfriend. Of course I told her. She knew first."

"At least you aren't shutting out all the people who love you." He gave her the dead eyed glare, but she didn't waver under his gaze. "I know I had a crush on you. I know I was loud and pushy about it."

"Emma—" She stood, getting in his face.

"I idolized you. I know that you don't love me and you never will, but even so... I still thought we were friends!"

"Emma—" A harsh slap cut him short. Yuki covered her mouth with her hands, then got up and went to the freezer to grab an ice pack. "We are friends," he reasoned, giving his cheek a gentle rub. Yuki handed him the ice pack. "It's not like I didn't tell anyone out of malice. I just... I'm going to be fine, so I didn't think it was serious enough to warrant all the worry." He caught Yuki's face out of the corner of his eye, then glanced to Emma, who wore a similar expression. "What?"

"It doesn't matter if you don't think it's serious. You don't get to decide whether or not we worry," Emma announced, an annoyed look burning in her eyes. Yuki waved her hands to catch Itsu and Emma's attention, then began to sign.

"Translate for me?"

"Absolutely," he replied, watching her fingers intently. "Itsuomi, you have a lot of trouble accepting help, don't you?" He paused, meeting her gaze. "...why would you say that?" Her fingers started moving again. "I've been watching you struggle for a while now." Their eyes met again, but for some reason, he was feeling sheepish. "I'm doing okay."

"You look awful," Emma interjected. Itsuomi huffed. "Don't get me wrong, you're still somehow as handsome as ever, but you look like absolute crap at the same time."

"Gee, thanks," he deadpanned, "But like I said, I'm doing okay. I'm just a little tired." Yuki shook her head.

"Kyouya said you've been having a lot of trouble at work. So much trouble that he put you on leave." Itsuomi was glad he'd stopped translating. "You can barely eat. You're sick at night." Sensing his hesitation, Yuki quieted and watched as a look of resignation crossed his face. He sighed.

"How'd you find out about work?" He knew, but he had to ask.

"Kyouya texted me and asked if you'd been acting strangely at home, too."

"...of course he did," Itsuomi replied with a groan. "He's been meddling in my life a lot lately."

"Kyouya cares about you," Yuki replied, her expression slightly scolding. "We all do."

"Um, what's going on?" Emma asked, pout returning. "I thought Yuki asked you to translate?" Realizing that they had left Emma out of the conversation, Yuki apologized. "Hey, it's not your fault that he stopped translating."

"The gist of our conversation was that Yuki would appreciate it if I start asking for help when I need it."

"Well duh, you weren't put on this earth to endlessly help others, but to struggle on your own." His phone vibrated and he took a quick glancing, noticing texts from Shin, Kyouya and his father. He slid his phone back into his pocket and let his head rest on the back of the couch. He closed his eyes and raised his hands, signing as he talked.

"My head is killing me, so—" He raised his head, an uncharacteristically flustered look on his face. Yuki had grabbed his hands. The room got quiet.

"You aren't going to die." Her voice was quiet, yet firm, betraying the frightened sorrow that had settled in her eyes. Itsuomi stared for a moment, dumbstruck at her boldness. Realization sunk in.

She'd taken him literally. He couldn't blame her.

It was hard to convey with fingers. Tone often got lost in translation, especially if you weren't looking at one another's facial expressions. He had to explain.

"I just… I meant that it hurts— I have a headache."

"I'm sorry for interrupting you," she signed, eyes down. "I didn't want you to say that you were going to—" He took her hands into his and noticed how they trembled. Her entire body was trembling. He nudged her chin up with his finger, forcing her to meet his eyes.

"Yuki, I'm so sorry for making you upset." Her face was bright red and despite her trying to keep strong, the sorrow pulled at her features until the tears she'd been trying to hold back escaped from her eyes. "I'm fine, Yuki. I'm here and I'm okay."

Chapter Text

Despite everyone asking him not to push himself, Yuki watched as Itsuomi did the exact opposite. He studied and kept the house tidy while she was at work. She wondered just how long he'd keep burn the candle at both ends.

While neither of them had managed to coordinate anything other than securing their fried chicken and commemorative plate, Itsuomi idly suggested they go look at Christmas lights display at the nearby mall. Christmas Eve had been a dream, but Christmas proved to be more rocky.

Yuki had been so excited to meet Itsuomi's family in person, it was the thing she'd been practicing so hard for! After dinner, they all sat down in the living room to talk. Yuki felt pretty confident. She wasn't sure when he'd drifted off to sleep, but Itsuomi was out like a light. With him asleep, the language barrier was there, but not insurmountable. They managed to have a lovely conversation using the white board that Yuki kept in her purse. Itsuomi was too groggy to walk home, so they ended up spending the night in his old room.

Yuki wondered if the confrontations with Emma and Shin made him feel like he had something to prove; he invited their friends over for New Year's Eve.

New Year's Eve started out fun. Kyouya borrowed the kitchen to make dinner and snacks, Rin, Emma and Yuki cuddled up on the couch to chat and watch the New Year's program, and Shin and Itsuomi talked out on the balcony.

Yuki couldn't help but keep an eye on them as they talked. She knew she shouldn't pry, and she knew Itsuomi would tell her the broad strokes of what he and Shin talked about.

They came back inside when dinner was ready having seemingly made amends. Shin poured him a drink and that's when the night went downhill. After a few drinks, not even dinner could save him from what everyone noticed immediately -- he was visibly drunk and slurring his words so badly that Yuki couldn't read his lips.

It scared her. She'd never seen him so worryingly drunk before. He tried assuring everyone that he was fine, that he just drank a little too much too quickly and quietly excused himself to the bathroom. Yuki would have believed him, but by the way Kyouya and Shin jumped up from the table to follow him, she couldn't. Yuki, Rin and Emma sat on the couch, idly watching the television until Kyouya and Shin returned, one of Itsu's arms over each of their shoulders.

Yuki helped them put him to bed. Shin handed her a bottle of medicine, Itsuomi's medicine, and pointed at the words.

She hadn't looked at the bottle before, nor did he talk about it much with her.

Do not mix with alcohol. When she read the words, something rose in her chest. An odd feeling that she hadn't felt with him before.

Annoyance. She was annoyed with him.

--

Everyone stayed overnight to watch the sunrise with Yuki and a groggy, sheepish and hungover Itsuomi. They helped clean up and left shortly after, leaving Yuki and Itsu with an uncomfortable awkwardness. She didn't want to be annoyed with him, but she was and she could tell that he knew. He tried to breach the subject, to explain what had happened, but he would circle around to apologizing.

Yuki didn't want apologies, she wanted an explanation and as they tried to ease back into normal, post-holiday life, nothing seemed to change between them, not even when they went back to school. For a woman who'd spent her entire life never hearing a sound, she could pick up on the most subtle shift in body language. And Itsuomi's body language was off. Way off.

She could see it clear as day when they were at school, he was playing the role of himself more and more everyday. He studied and slept at home. There wasn't much time for anything else; he was wiped out and hiding it behind a slight smile.

The smile that meant he was hiding something.

She'd tried to accept that he was going to try and live normally until he couldn't anymore. And now, she had to find a way to get him to slow down.

--

Itsuomi felt caged within the apartment.

He didn’t have a job, school hadn't reconvened, and he didn't have the energy to be social. So all he could do was rot on the couch, wait for Yuki to come home from work or study until his body told him to stop and even then he'd push it.

He wanted to tell her that his mind was loud. Louder than it had ever been before in his life, his mind turning over thoughts in an endless, awful loop. He had an excess of time and nothing to keep his mind quiet and busy. Itsuomi had pushed himself too much on Christmas Eve and was embarrassed about what happened on New Year's. He'd known that he shouldn't drink alcohol on his medicine. He'd known and yet, the information had disappeared from his mind. How was he supposed to explain to Yuki that it had slipped his mind without making it seem like a copout? Or that it wasn't the first time he'd forgotten something important?

Self-loathing wasn't an emotion Itsuomi usually acknowledged, but he felt justified in letting it slide this time. Yuki was annoyed with him, he could tell.

The face.

An expression she usually reserved for Oushi, but she looked at him like that now. She deserved her explanation about what happened on New Year's. He couldn't broach it. The words died on his fingers or he'd change the subject.

Yuki could see right through him, he knew. He caught her giving him a quick, side-eyed glance and he realized that he'd been staring at her instead of watching the movie. She raised an eyebrow.

"You missed a lot. Should I rewind it?" Yuki asked, her signs as curt as ever. Itsuomi stared at her fingers. "...are you okay?"

"I'm okay." Itsuomi's lips twisted into a smile.

That smile.

He was such a fucking liar.