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Buck and Eddie had been dating for nearly a year now. He spent most of his time at the Diaz residence. He was hardly ever at his loft nowadays. The loft just didn't feel like home. It never truly did. His home was always the Diaz house.
There were still things Buck had never told Eddie. Told anyone for that matter. Some things he held close to his heart and locked away in a box. Tucked far back, hidden from the outside world.
Buck had never told anyone he served in the Navy. He never wanted anyone to know. So when he got the phone call from someone he served with during dinner with Eddie and Chris his heart stopped.
He hadn't talked to any of them in nearly six years. The contact name on the call was Caroline Miller. She had been like a sister to Buck. She was five years older than him and she had always taken care of him. But they hadn't spoken since Buck had been discharged.
“Excuse me..” Buck said and left the room. He answered the call
“Callie?” Buck said softly
“Hey Buck…” Callie said breathlessly
“Callie? What's wrong?” Buck said
“I was thinking…thinking about our time serving… thinking about Jessie…” Callie said softly
“I'm on my way. Don't hang up. Do you have anything that could cause you harm?” Buck asked and rushed into the kitchen
“No… no i don't” Callie said
“Good. That's good. let's keep it that way” Buck said. “Eddie, I am so sorry. I have to go. I'm sorry. I'll make this up to you. I am so sorry” Buck said, covering the speaker on his phone. He didn't explain anything.
He grabbed his keys and got in his jeep. He sped to Callie's house.
He knew exactly why Callie had called. He made the same call himself to her a year after he got discharged. He was struggling, badly. He couldn't stop thinking about those who he loved so dearly whom he watched die. The flashbacks were awful. He couldn't close his eyes without seeing it all again. He'd been in Callie's spot before. On the brink of committing suicide and calling someone, anyone, to talk to, to maybe convince him not to do it. Callie had been there for him. She had driven to his place and held him while he broke down. She drove him to the therapy appointments. She stayed with him when it got bad. She was there when he needed her most. Now it was Buck's turn to be there for her.
“Callie, I'm 5 minutes out. Is your door unlocked?” Buck asked
“Uh.. yeah… yeah it's unlocked.” Callie said. She sounded so out of it. So lost.
“Callie, I'm nearly there.” Buck said
“Buck… I can't do this anymore.. I can't keep reliving those moments over and over again. I can't keep watching Jessie die. I can't buck. I can't do it.” Callie cried
“Yes you can Callie. You can do it. I know you can. I know it's hard. I know it's so hard. but I promise it'll be okay. it'll all be okay. I promise it will. you just gotta keep fighting. I promise it's worth it. it's so worth it Callie.” Buck pleaded.
“No it's not buck. Jessie is dead. it's not worth it. I LOVED HIM BUCK!! I LOVED HIM AND HE'S DEAD!!” Callie screamed. she was full out sobbing at this point.
“Callie. Callie listen to me. Jessie would want you to live. I want you to live. Callie I'm at the door. I'm gonna come in then I'll hang up. It's gonna be okay.” Buck said. He put his hand on the door handle and opened the door. He pushed the door open and stepped inside. He shut it behind him.
“Callie?! Where are you?!” Buck called out as he hung up the phone.
When Callie didn't respond Buck went in search for her. He walked around the house calling out for her. He finally spotted her in her bedroom.
“Callie? Hey I'm here…” Buck trailed off as he saw the pistol in her hand. “Callie. put it down.” Buck said calmly.
“Evan… Evan listen to me. This wasn't your fault. None of this was ever your fault. I know you're gonna think it is. But it's not.” Callie said, her voice trembling
“Callie. Put the gun down. We can sit down and talk and we'll figure it out. It'll be okay Callie.” Buck said
“Evan.. please… You can't help me. No one can. I was done for the second Jessie's heart stopped. I can't do this. Not anymore. Not without him. I can't go on anymore.” Callie said. she shakily raised the gun up to her head. she took a shaky breath “I love you Evan. You know I do. I love you so much. This isnt on you” She said as she clocked the gun.
“Callie please drop the gun. I will do everything to help you. Please let me help you. Callie please.” Buck begged. He took a step closer to her.
“I'm sorry Evan” Callie said as she closed her eyes and pulled the trigger. The bullet went straight into her skull.
Buck gasped as the blood, her blood, Callie's blood splattered across his face and body. He stood frozen for a moment. He grabbed his phone and dialed 911.
“911 What's your emergency” Linda said.
“This is firefighter Evan Buckley with the 118. I am at 1478 Willow Berry Drive. Female, 35, Suicide attempt, gunshot wound to the head. She is not breathing, her heart is not beating. I need an ambulance.” Buck paused and sighed “and probably a coroner.” he said
“Emergency services have been dispatched.” Linda said.
“Doors unlocked. Located in the bedroom. I'll call out when they get here” Buck said “Starting compression.” He said.
He knew good and well she was already dead. He just wanted to give himself just a sliver of hope that she would live.
Five minutes later the paramedics showed up. Buck called out so they knew where to go. He stepped away so they could do their job.
“I'm calling it. Time of death 19:35” A paramedic said from beside Callie.
Buck stood there frozen in place. He couldn't move. He had just watched the one person he had left from his time in the navy die. And he could have prevented it. But he didn't. Maybe if he had gotten there sooner. Maybe if he kept in contact. Maybe, just maybe he could have saved her.
He felt like he couldn't breathe. It was like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room.
“Kid? Do you have someone you'd like us to call?” Another paramedic asked. Buck didn't bother to figure out their names.
Buck shook his head “no… there's no one to call” he said.
He called Callie's family and broke the news. He went to the hospital to meet them and help where he could. It was the least he could do. He was the reason their daughter was dead.
He cleaned himself up as much as he could at the hospital. He changed into the spear clothes he had in his car. He always kept an extra pair in there in case of emergencies.
It was around eleven pm when Buck finally went home. He didn't go to his loft. He couldn't be alone right now. It hurt far too much. He sent Eddie a text.
Are you still awake? 11:12pm
Yeah baby. I'm still awake. Come inside. 11:13pm
Buck turned off his car and got out. He locked the doors and used his key to go inside. Eddie was sitting on the couch.
“Looks like you've had a tough night” Eddie said as he stood up and made his way over to Buck.
Buck didn't even make it a foot from the door before he collapsed. Eddie ran to him and caught him. Buck put a hand over his mouth to muffle the sobs that broke out of his throat. Eddie lowered himself and Buck down to the ground.
“shh shh I've got you. I've got you.” Eddie said. He rocked Buck gently.
“She's dead! She's fucking dead and it's all my goddamn fault!” Buck cried. He gripped onto Eddie's arm and sobbed. He couldn't hold himself together anymore.
“Who's dead baby? I can't help you if I don't know what happened.” Eddie said softly.
“Callie… She's dead and I couldn't save her!” Buck choked out.
Eddie had no clue who Buck was talking about. Eddie didn't push. Buck would come to him when he was ready. Eddie held Buck while he sobbed. Thirty minutes had passed before Buck had calmed down. His sobs now soft sniffles.
“Let's move to the couch. Or the bed. I'll get you some water. Then we can talk if you'd like. I'm not here to judge. I'm not here to force anything out of you. I'm here to comfort you and be your rock.” Eddie said as he helped Buck off the floor.
“Bed. Need to lay down But i need a shower first” Buck said, his throat raw from crying.
“Think you can do it yourself?” Eddie asked. Buck nodded and took a shaky breath
“I'll get some water and meet you in the bedroom.” Eddie said
Buck went to the bathroom and stripped his clothes. He took a steaming hot shower. He scrubbed and scrubbed, desperately trying to get the feeling of blood off his skin.
Buck finally emerged from the bathroom. He put on one of Eddie's hoodies and a pair of sweatpants. Eddie was sitting in the bed waiting for him. He patted the spot next to him.
“Come sit baby” Eddie said. Buck crawled in bed and curled into Eddie's side.
“Wanna talk about it?” Eddie asked
“Callie… She was a woman I served with in the Navy. She was like a big sister to me. She protected me and loved me when no one else could. She was there for me when i struggled after being honorably discharged after the torture we went through. She saved my life more times than I want to count. She talked me down from suicide. Drove me to my therapy appointments. Stayed the night with me when it got real bad and the nightmares wouldn't let me sleep. She was always there. And tonight she called. She called me in the same position she had saved me from five years ago. She saved me. But I didn't save her. She shot herself. I got there and she had a gun in her hand. I tried Eddie. I tried so hard to get her to drop it. But she didn't. She shot herself in the head. died instantly. I should've done more. Should've gotten there sooner. Kept in touch with her. I should've saved her. But now she's dead… and it's all my fault” Buck said, tears pooling in his eyes.
“Baby, that wasn't your fault. She called you to say goodbye. Buck there was no saving her. And that's going to eat you alive. There was nothing you could have done. Nothing is on you Buck.” Eddie said.
“See deep down I know that. I knew that when I got the phone call. The love of her life died in combat. It ruined her. She was never the same after. She held him as he took his last breath. Same way I held her. I just wish I could have saved her.” Buck said.
“We'll get through this together. I'll be here every step of the way. Every bump.” Eddie said Buck laid his head on Eddie's chest. He took a deep breath.
“It feels wrong to mourn her death when I wasn't there. I didn't know her until she was 25. Knew her for all of 6 years. Then I never spoke to her again. The first time we've spoken since… then… was tonight. And she killed herself.” Buck said
“It's not wrong to mourn someone you loved. Even if you only knew them for a little while. You still loved her and she was still a huge part of your life.” Eddie said and played with Buck's hair.
“I think I need to go back to therapy.” Buck said softly “Yeah? We can get you an appointment set up. You'll get through this. It might take awhile, but it'll happen.” Eddie said Buck snuggled into Eddie.
He laid his head on Eddie's chest. He believed Eddie. He knew he'd be okay. He had Eddie. And a whole support system of people who loved him. He didn't have to hide anymore. His family loved him for him and that meant every single piece. The good and the bad. Buck was gonna be okay.