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English
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Published:
2024-04-12
Updated:
2024-05-17
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2/?
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They're cravings, not needs.

Summary:

In this version of In Stars and Time, touch starvation has physical side effects that are more visible. Siffrin still hides them, but as the loops continue, their touch starvation only gets more noticeable. Unfortunately, touch starvation is not a well-known subject in Vaugaurde, due to it's welcome nature.

Notes:

hihihi second fanfic
Not really much to say here.
This is essentially me just writing down an idea quickly because I had the nighttime motivations.
I'll be making more short fanfics like this where I just write down a starting point.

Chapter 1: Beg-inning.

Chapter Text

After a few years living on your own in the woods, you've been able to control yourself. But, you've been traveling with a party of people who want to save Vaugaurde. And, the worst potential thing happened.

Your touch starvation cravings have been growing stronger again.

You've been near them for quite some time, seeing how they all are touchy with each other. Even Odile seems comfortable touching the rest of your... friends? Friends. They're your friends. They've been touchy with each other, and never with you. You've occasionally been touched on the shoulder to get your attention, but other than that they seem to avoid touching you.

They have their own reasons for not touching you. Asking them to touch you would be selfish, not to mention how weird it would sound.

Someone touches your shoulder, bringing you back to reality as you jump slightly, your skin feels warm and you feel somewhat fuzzy. Right, you're camping out tonight, as you're too far from town for an inn, despite Odile's reservations. As you look to your side, you see Mirabelle, who is speaking, pay attention. "Siffrin? Are you still there? We're planning on putting out the fire and going to bed now." Right.

You speak, because you know you should make her less anxious, "Yeah, I'm still here!" You get up, patting your cloak down gently, looking at them. You wonder if you're doing a good job at hiding your cravings. You feel slightly jittery. It should be fine as long as you go to bed soon enough, so you go to the tent you share with Isabeau. Right, you are going to have to deal with that. Being so so close yet so untouchable because you would never do that to him.

You lie down in your bedroll, and close your eyes. You still know when he enters because of his smell and footsteps because you're a creep. You pretend like you're asleep, because you want to hear him you have nothing better to do.

But he's oddly silent this night. You feel like you're being looked at, but you can't open your eyes and let him know you're awake. Are you jittering? Is your skin getting spotted because of your touch starvation cravings? Stars, you feel like he'd know.

He leaves the tent, and you can hear him talking. But you can't blinding hear what they're saying. Sounds like it's about you. You need to do better to avoid making them worry, they shouldn't have to worry over you, you don't deserve it.

You instead start thinking about what memories you have. You remember when you're eye was gouged out by that powerful Sadness. You remember how much Mirabelle touched your face to help heal it. It was nice because you're a creep. You drift off to sleep slowly, thinking about if how much you'd get touched if you lost a limb.

... Breathe, you creep.

You dream. You dream about a hand, reaching out. Holding your cheeks. Feels warm, makes you feel fuzzy. Like you're malleable to their touch.

Their hands are calloused, but oh-so-very gentle. You can hear them talking, but you can't focus on their voice at the moment because you can't even respect people enough by listening because the sensation is overwhelming.

It's dark around you, save for a few flickering lights. It's cold, a nice contrast to the warmth on your cheeks. You feel your breathing calm and your skin feels both cooler and warmer. You feel... Okay. The painful sensations in your body are still there, but soothed. You wish that they would touch you more like this. Gently, caringly.

You wake up early in the morning, seeing Isabeau just a few feet away from you, so close yet so untouchable because touching anyone without permission is terrible terrible terrible and you're terrible for thinking that. He's closer than he was when you went to sleep.          You get up, and leave the tent silently, no point in waking him up yet.

If you were still living by yourself, you'd catch some rabbit and cook it. But you don't fully understand their eating habits yet, as you can't remember if they eat meat or not. You decide to just get berries. A memory rings out through your mind, a silent conversation between you and someone. "White and yellow will kill a fellow. Eating red could be good, could be dead. Purple and blue are good for you." You follow the advice of          and grab only the

What were you thinking of? You think that the darker berries are safe. You harvest them, and bring them back to camp, seeing how everyone wakes up around you. You hope they didn't wake for you. Bonbon Bonnie seems happy, and takes the berries from your pockets, before setting up a fire and beginning to cook. Odile is the next to speak, seeming tired and without her glasses.

"Give me a moment, everyone. We're heading towards Dormont today, and it's the closest point to the House of Change." A memory that doesn't exist whispers through your mind, but you can't grasp it. It must not be important. Or it is, and you're just that forgetful, that forgettable. You wait for everyone to get up, Odile being helped up by Isabeau as Mirabelle pats Bonbon's Bonnie's back gently. Stars, you feel so greedy and disgusting disgusting disgusting.

Don't let them know. Don't let Odile know. She's the most likely person to recognize the signs of your touch starvation craving, due to being from Ka Bue and being smart. You take a deep breath, and force back your emotions. You simply smile, it's the easiest act to put on, and watch as they all happily be touchy with each other.

Before you can spiral internally any further, Bonnie (finally remembered their name properly, didn't you?) puts a... [bowl] of food on your lap? You look at it, realizing it's that warm cereal your holebowl of a brain can't remember enough. Oatmeal and strainer. It's oatmeal that your strainer of a mind can't remember. You close your eyes, and dig in, letting it's warmth help your touch starvation cravings ever so slightly.

Chapter 2: Make A Move

Summary:

Bonnie, Isabeau, and Mirabelle have not really learned about the symptoms of touch-starvation, as they lived in Vaugaurde. But Odile is a foreigner, just like Siffrin. From a place where trust is hard to come by, especially when it comes to touch.

Notes:

Hi!!! So sorry I haven't updated in a while! As I said in Ch3 of my other fic, motivation is a crab to come by.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

After everyone has eaten, you all pack up. You ignore how everyone seems so comfortable touching each other.

You're holding most of the small things that your friends need, such as small bowls and plates, in your hidden pockets.

You're mostly zoned out, still feeling a bit odd. Then, you feel too aware of your skin to be normal, and you see Odile looking at your wrists. Why did you get gloves just too short to hide your wrists again?

You look at your wrists, and-

Not now, not now, please not now.

Your wrists are spotted. Two lightless dots covering your veins that lead to your hands, on each arm.

Odile has definitely noticed. Odile excuses herself from the conversation about preparing to travel again, and sits down next to you.

You're both silent for a moment longer than you'd like. But then, Odile places a hand on your back.

You flinch harder than you'd like. You'd prefer not to flinch at all. But, despite your initial reaction, she doesn't move her hand away. (Thank you)

Odile gently rubs your back, and Stars it's so nice. You had forgot what simple affectionate touch felt like.

You're not sure how much time passes before Odile stops. You were just focusing so much on not entirely melting into her hand.

"Siffrin." She says, "I know that you're guarded, like me, but gems alive, we don't need you getting sick just days away from fighting The King." Oh! She's being sarcastic? Hyperbolic? You can't remember the word

Right. So, you'll need to ask for touch, to finally recover, to finally feel good, to let yourself feel happy to stay healthy and strong, to fight against The King at your best.

You look at your wrists, how they're clear now. You feel less jittery too.

You smile, genuinely, at Odile, "Thank you, Odile." You feel a bit exposed, a bit vulnerable, but it's fine.

 

But you liked it. It was nice. However, you need to ask...

> Aren't I creepy for wanting touch though?
(Nothing...)

 

Odile looks at you with a confused expression, speaking surprisingly softly, "Creepy? No. Wanting touch is normal, but you could phrase it better. If you're so worried," She smiles a bit mischievously, "you could ask Isabeau to hold your hand on the walk to Dormont."

You're not sure why she's smiling so much. But she's older than you, and much smarter, so... You may as well take her advice. Odile stands up and goes to the rest of the group to finish preparations for traveling.

You stand up, checking your person. Dagger, sharpening stone, and silver coin. Everything important.

You walk over to the rest of them, and take a look at the map. You put the map away, having an idea of where to go.

You take the lead! Mirabelle is behind you, Isabeau behind her, Odile behind him, and Bonnie behind her.

But, you remember Odile's advice. During a more clear section of the path, you turn to Isabeau.

Breathe in, and out, "Isa." You manage to squeak out. He seems a bit surprised, but responds enthusiastically,
"Yes, Sif?"
Stars, your face feels warm just from the thought, but Odile is much more wise than you, so "Could we hold hands, Isa?"

Now he's blushing too. He seems surprised, silently opening his mouth to respond then closing again as he fails to form words. After a bit, he hugs his arm and enthusiastically nods. He takes a place by your side, and you slowly reach out to hold his hands. You hear an audible gasp and a silent curse under someone's breath. Huh...?

Anyway! You feel warm all over, and you're overly aware of the touch. It's odd, but nice. Even with the glove on, it still feels slightly overwhelming. Your skin is buzzing, your body is warm, your face even more so.

He seems equally overwhelmed. At least he's as overwhelmed as you are about this.

You slowly begin to walk with him by your side, still holding his hand. You purposefully slow yourself down for this. You pull your hat down and bury your face even further into your cloak collar. You feel so overwhelmed. But it's good. It's nice. You think of what it would be like to cuddle him. He's enjoying this touch, so maybe...

... You'll ask him at the Clocktower.

The rest of the trip goes fairly uneventful, save for Bonnie mistaking your sharpening stone as a skipping stone and throwing it into a lake.

Everyone fans out, doing their own things in town. You go to the clear plain at the south of town, lying down and falling peacefully asleep.

You're not sure if you've ever felt better.

Notes:

Please tell me if I accidentally write OOC or just write poorly.