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He watched as James' eyes slowly filled with tears, his gaze flicking between his eyes and arm, then he closed them, but still; he didn't say anything. And Regulus felt he might suffocate if he didn't hear him speak soon, he needed to hear something, just something, he wanted to hear his voice. Needed to. James took a deep shaky breath in, and let it slowly out as he leaned his head on his hands, opening his eyes and looking back at Regulus who was still standing in front of him.
“Say something.” He whispered, almost wanting to take a step back at the look he got from James, then he looked back down at the mark on his arm, taking another deep breath. “Anything, James. Please.”
“I got nothing to say.” His voice sounded oddly calm, and Regulus was taken by surprise. He looked angry and disappointed and betrayed, but so calm at the same time. “Absolutely nothing.”
He nodded to himself, starting to feel uncomfortable under his gaze, like he was slowly being studied inch by inch. Like all his secrets were revealed, which they pretty much were, but he felt so bare, and like James was staring straight into his soul, tearing it up into pieces. He rolled down his sleeves, folding his arms on his chest, looking down.
“I can't believe you.” He whispered after a while. “How can you-?” He trailed off, like he was unable to say the words, he just closed his eyes again, trying his best to stop the tears from falling.
“No-no you don't understand, I didn't want to. James I promise it's not-” he said quickly, needing James to believe him. “It's not what it looks like, I swear, it's not.”
“Am I supposed to believe that?”
“James, I didn't want this. I've told you, haven't I? How they were going to- you know there's no saying no to them, they do what they want. You know that.” He said. “Seriously, I didn't want it, never. If it were up to me, I'd never. But you know-”
“Stop telling me what I know.” He said, finally looking Regulus in the eyes, he looked sad, and betrayed. “Just go away.”
His eyes widened. “Jamie -”
“Don't fucking call me that.” He interrupted, and Regulus took a step back again. He had never heard James being so angry, he had never seen him like this, and it felt like a stab straight into his heart. “Go away Regulus. I- I need to think.”
“I'm sorry.” He whispered before turning around and slipping out of James' dorm room, quickly making his way out of the Gryffindor tower not stopping when his name was called. It was Sirius. He made his way down to his own common room, this time stopping when his name was called, he turned to look at the sofa where Barty and Evan were, both looking at him worriedly.
“Everything alright, Reggie?” He nodded, managing a small smile. “You sure? You don't -”
“Everything's good.” He said, disappearing into his dorm, not bothering to listen to what else they had to say. Once the door was closed he basically fell on the floor, his back against the door, pulling his knees up to his chest.
This was never supposed to happen. Never. He had never wanted to take the mark, and that's what he wanted to explain, and he needed for James to listen, but he hadn't, he didn't get a chance to explain himself. Though he was sure it would do nothing, there was no way he was going to get out of this mess.
He didn't want to lose James, he just couldn't but that just seemed inevitable, James would hate him. He had every right to, of course he did, he had done something horrible, something unforgivable, but maybe this was better than lying to him. Maybe it was for the better, though he wasn't sure for who, but maybe it was.
Regulus heard knocks on his door and someone calling his name, but he just held his hands over his ears, hoping they'd stop soon. He didn't want to talk, or see other people. He just wanted to be alone, maybe forever. He could only hope it wasn't over with them, or that he hadn't completely ruined everything, but he was sure he had. It wasn't his fault, he knew that. But it felt like it.
He hoped he had been able to resist his parents, that he could tell them no. That he could've done the same thing Sirius had done and just left. But he felt like he couldn't do that, like he was tied down, tied down to that house, their bloodline, their beliefs, and their ideas. He knew it wasn't right, that it wasn't something he believed in and wanted to follow, but like he was made to. Which he was.
He had tried to forget the night he had gotten the mark, he had tried to fight them forever, that he didn't want to. But they made it happen anyway. He did not have a choice, of course he didn't. He wished, more than anything, that he could've done something differently, fought harder and been braver so he could've just left it all behind.
…
He didn't sleep well. He just lied there staring at the ceiling, horrible thoughts plaguing his mind. If he fell asleep, he woke up a few hours later to a nightmare, unable and unwilling to fall back to sleep. He couldn't even focus on reading to make the early hours go by quicker, he'd just have to lay there, getting lost in his thoughts. Maybe that was fair?
Regulus avoided being outside of his dorm, he didn't want to see all those people. Especially not James, it hurt him so much every time he even caught a glance of the boy, he just couldn't face it. He didn't want to see Sirius either, every time he saw his brother in the corridors, he always looked so irritated with him. So, he just quickly ran to his classes and back to his dorm, only going to the great hall when his friends forced him to.
There was no one bothering him outside or in the more abandoned parts of the castle, so he often went to those places during nights and early mornings. He could be alone in peace, even the thoughts seemed to leave him be for a moment. Usually, it was the astronomy tower, he could look over the grounds and look at the stars on clear nights. But sometimes he wandered down to the edge of the forbidden forest, trying to distract himself with something to do.
After another sleepless night, he slowly got up from bed and made his way down to the quidditch pitch for an early morning practice. He wasn't really feeling like playing, but he was the only seeker they had so he did it anyway.
Towards the end of practice he almost fell off of his broom when he saw James sitting in the stands. He wasn't in his gear nor did he have his broom with him, so he couldn't be waiting for Gryffindor's practice to start. But he wasn't really looking at their team either, focusing on something else, though Regulus was too far away to actually see.
He was glad practice ended soon, and he couldn't stop thinking about the fact that James was sitting in the stands as he took a quick shower and changed out of his quidditch gear. It made him anxious, he wanted to talk, but he didn't want to be yelled at or for James to get mad at him. He just hoped that James wasn't here to tell him he wanted nothing to do with him anymore, that their relationship would be over. It was the last thing he wanted. When everyone had left, and he made his way up to the stands hoping James was still there.
“Hey,” He whispered when he made his way over, James looked up, smiling slightly as he closed the journal that was on his lap. He leaned against the railing, crossing his arms at his chest, letting his broom lean against the bench. “Why are you here?” He asked quietly, looking around, trying to avoid eye contact with him.
“I thought we should talk.” James looked hurt, just like he had on that night a few weeks ago. He looked hurt and tired, and he could just hope James wouldn't get mad at him. He had every right to, but Regulus just hoped it wouldn't happen. “This is the only place I thought I could find you.”
He smiled momentarily. “We don't have to talk if you don't want to.”
“I know,” James whispered. “But I want to. If you do too.” Regulus nodded. “What happened? Like what actually happened?” He asked quietly, looking at him.
“T-they made me get the- the um mark.” He said, hugging himself tighter as he looked down. “I didn't want to, but they- you can't say no to them. I promise I didn't want it…” James just nodded as Regulus took a break to wipe his eyes. “I don't believe in that shit, they're just horrible and I couldn't say no. But I promise I- James I didn't want it. I'd never. I'm sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?”
“Everything.” He whispered brokenly, more tears falling down as he looked away, trying to take a deep breath, letting out a quiet sob when James wrapped his arms around him. “I'm so s-sorry.”
“Shh, don't be sorry. It's okay.” Regulus nodded, hesitantly wrapping his arms around James' neck, hoping he wouldn't leave. “I’m sorry for not believing you.” He whispered, voice wavering with tears. “I've missed you so much.”
“I missed you too.” He said, looking up at him. James smiled even though there were tears in his eyes, Regulus reached to wipe them away with his sleeve when they fell down. “So much.”
He rose up to his tiptoes, looking him in the eyes, James gave him the smallest of nods, and closed the short distance between them; kissing him softly. It was short, but it meant so much. Everything would be okay. When they pulled away, Regulus wrapped his arms back around his neck, hiding his face back to his chest. James held him close in return, burying his face into Regulus' hair, breathing in the comforting scent.
“Why aren't you mad at me?” He asked quietly after a moment of silence, pressing himself closer as if to make sure James wouldn’t leave. “You should be…”
“But I'm not.” James whispered softly, rubbing his back to try to comfort him the best he could. “I hope you're not mad at me either.” Regulus shook his head quickly, mumbling something quietly though James didn't really catch what it was. “Let's talk later, yeah? Just wanna be with you.”
“Want to be with you too.” Regulus smiled, lifting his head to look up at him. “I'm so tired.”
“Have you slept?” Regulus shook his head. “Me neither.” He whispered, rubbing his side gently. “My dorm is empty, wanna go there, sleep a little?”
“Yeah.” He nodded, pulling away from James' hold to look at him better. “It's fucking freezing out here.”
James laughed, taking Regulus' hand into his before starting to walk towards the castle. “How did you know where I was?” He asked after a moment of walking in silence.
“I just looked at the schedule.” He smiled, and Regulus hummed. “And, you hardly ever skip practice, so it's not too hard to find you.”
“I didn't wanna go today.”
“I'm glad you did though.” James whispered, smiling as Regulus glanced at him. “Why didn't you want to go?”
“Didn't feel like it.” He whispered. “But I'm the only seeker we have, the back-up broke her leg or something I- gotta do it.”
“Why don't you wanna play?”
“I'm just tired.” He whispered, glancing at James who nodded as the walked through the castle doors, starting to walk up to James' dorm. “Also, our captain changed and he fucking sucks.”
“Yeah, I heard.”
They fell silent after that, but it wasn't an uncomfortable one, they just were silent for the rest of the walk. It felt nice to finally be with each other, even a simple gesture like holding hands made both of them feel so much better, and cared for. Everything would be okay in the end, they'd be okay.
“I’m so tired.” Regulus complained as they climbed into bed, and he could cuddle up with him. He rested his head on James' chest curling up against his side with one of his legs thrown over James' while he pulled the blanket over them, wrapping his arms around Regulus. “Are you comfortable?”
“Always with you.” He smiled, kissing his head, laughing quietly as Regulus hit his arm. “Yeah, I'm comfortable, don't worry.”
“Good, ‘cause I'm not moving.”
“Don't have to.” He whispered, starting to play with his hair. He felt better than he had in weeks, he felt safe and comforted in James' warm embrace. He had really missed this, missed the feeling of being close to him, of feeling loved. James felt it too, it felt like he could finally sleep in peace, with no worries or fears. He could be sure that Regulus wouldn't disappear, he'd still be there when they'd wake up, he'd still be there, laying in his arms, curls messily spread on his chest. “Reggie?”
“Mhm?”
“I love you.” James whispered softly, watching as Regulus lifted his head to look at him, smiling sleepily as he leaned in to give him a kiss.
“I love you too.” He whispered against his lips, giving him another kiss before laying his head back down. “Now, shut up, I wanna sleep.” James laughed, kissing his head before taking off his glasses and laying his head more comfortable on the pillow. They started to slowly drift off to sleep, both feeling happy and safe to finally be in each other's arms.