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in freshman year, kaveh had met this wonderfully kind boy. he didn’t have a crush on him or anything, but they’d had a class together and they had a handful of mutual friends, so the two themselves became friends. at the very beginning, kaveh was curious about this boy; who he is, what he likes, is he easy to hang out with?
the boy’s name is tighnari. he’s tall and thin and friendly, and kaveh quickly learned to appreciate his company. whenever he saw tighnari around, he would approach and say hi, and walk with him to his next class, and they’d talk about whatever. the blonde learned to value this friend, finding him easier to talk to and be around- more relatable than the rest of their group; than anyone, really.
naturally, the two soon grew closer. almost inseparable. tighnari was mostly home-schooled, but he took his electives at the high school. which translates to: he’s only on campus for about two classes a day. which is annoying, but kaveh quickly learned how to make the most of it. he walks his friend to his classes, or makes his friend walk with him, and finds him before school- no matter how close to the bell he arrives. in sophomore year, tighnari had taken a zero period- a class before school started. it was relaxed and the teacher didn’t really care what they did, as long as they got work done, so kaveh started hanging out with his buddy then.
everyone around school came to knew about their friendship. all kaveh’s friends certainly knew, and tighnari’s friends would have to be oblivious not to. they ended up having a class together second semester of that year. the teacher quickly learned that if the two were grouped together, they would goof off. most of the time, she let them.
another road block is tighnari’s mother. she very obviously doesn’t like kaveh; she was more traditional than pretty much the whole population of their town, and she is very protective of her son. hence the home-schooling. perhaps if kaveh had come out a year sooner, she would have no idea. perhaps then she would like him more. but what’s done is done, and the boy knows he must simply do this best to make a good impression. therefore, kaveh treats his best friend with nothing but respect and kindness, always being there for him to talk to and inviting him on fun trips. when the blonde’s parents look the family to a water park, tighnari was the first person he thought to invite.
their friendship meant a lot to kaveh. by the winter of their junior year, lots of his friends had left him. even his longest-lasting friendship from the fifth grade ended on a bad note. coming out, failed relationships, family issues, mental health issues… tighnari had been there through it all. despite the blonde’s habit of being quite rude or blunt at times, he’d been accepted by his friend. that meant the world to him.
there are times when kaveh would find himself at unparalleled lows and doesn’t know if he would survive to the next morning, but tighnari is there for him. when the blonde needed to leave for two months to a residential program for his mental health, tighnari understood and welcomed him back like he was just on vacation. every time they saw each other, while it was not exactly often outside the one class, the friends were as if they were back in that freshman class talking about whatever topic they found fit. every day the friendship seemed renewed, alive and undying, forever until they graduated and had to go their separate ways to college. even then,though, maybe they’d run into each other down the road and catch up like usual. maybe things would be good for once.
but of course, anything is too much to ask for when it comes to kaveh. he wanted- he wants for his friendship to live on. to continue to be healthy and happy, full of good, proper communication. however, nobody gets what they want, especially when a girl comes along and things start to slip. her name is layla. she’s a sweet girl -a junior, like kaveh and tighnari- who came from another region of sumeru to their city. quickly, the girl befriended many people at the school, using her charm and humour to win over others. it’s easy to trust her.
even kaveh finds himself calling layla a friend. they exchanged phone numbers and talk with the same groups, spending mornings and lunches around each other. the two of them independently joined the same after school club, theatre, though different parts of it. tighnari is also part of the theatre club, which meant that the friends would see each other more often. kaveh is part of tech, the people off-stage who make the set and the costumes and props, and layla and tighnari are both actors. out on the stage, singing and acting and getting ready for their part of the performance. it’s a symbiotic relationship.
it wasn’t apparent that something was wrong until it was far too late to fix it.
the mornings before school have always been the ideal time to socialize and mingle. since they’re mutual friends, tighnari, layla, and kaveh usually end up sitting together and chatting. as time went on, the other two became close. it’s fine, the blonde had told himself, tighnari is allowed to have friends, and layla’s still kinda new, she’s looking for friends. he is convinced of this, but it doesn’t make the jealousy disappear. kaveh had had a history of losing best friends to others.
first it was his ex-boyfriend childe, who ended up being terribly manipulative and toxic, having wrapped the boy right around his finger. yet, the blonde was devoted to him. childe had made friends with kaveh’s ex to “gather more dirt on her,” only to betray him and paint him to be the manipulative one. every one of their friends - even those who knew childe was manipulative and that he was manipulating kaveh - turned their backs on him and believed the ginger.
a few years go by and then it’s the next girl who’d dated him. she got uncomfortably close to another one of her friends, and after kaveh had voiced concerns about it, she left him. saying that he never let her spend time with her friends. only to go on shortly after the breakup to say she had a longtime crush on this other friend and asked to date.
next in line was alhaitham, who should’ve hurt the most. while kaveh was staying at a small village to the south for two months to work on his mental health, alhaitham had wasted no time in getting cuddly with a new friend of his. usually he would tell the blonde about everything; all his relationships, social life, problems, and thoughts. but not a word about this new friend. when the blonde got back and read through their messages, he was greeted with the information that alhaitham decided to peruse that relationship after being asked out.
maybe that means the five years of their friendship meant nothing if his friend would date a girl he’d met only -to kaveh’s knowledge- two months prior.
so, as this song and dance goes, the blonde explains to his friend his troubles, that he’s jealous, and alhaitham ghosts him. it’s not for another week that kaveh even has the chance to tell his grey-haired friend that they shouldn’t be friends anymore. that was his longest, most valued friendship. gone in the blink of an eye simply because the boy had taken time to work on himself.
now, as kaveh dreads anxiously, another step on that path has finally appeared.
one day after school, a text from layla pops up on kaveh’s phone. it’s her asking if he’s mad, claiming that before the club meeting started he had pushed himself between her and tighnari when they were talking, then twice more when everyone was getting ready to go home. kaveh had not intended such a thing, and he finds himself afraid that this will ruin their friendship. quickly, he sends a reply:
“oh shit i’m sorry! i’m totally not mad at you- i didn’t mean to steal the conversation away from you. i didn’t even realize i was doing that so thank you for bringing it up !! i’m sorry i was being shitty, i’m bad at not just interrupting people, my understanding of social norms is really off-kilter and it’s difficult for me to hold back with those things. i really didn’t realize i was interrupting, i’m sorry”
it’s beyond the poor boy that he is apologizing too much; after childe had used him, the idea that everything was his fault that he needed to apologize for got stuck into kaveh’s head. it was his first major friendship of that scale, and that’s how he learned that close friends should interact with each other. it’s still difficult to realize how unhealthy that is. so kaveh simply apologized profusely, just to get left on read and not another word bout it would be spoken.
since that day, kaveh does all he can to be mindful. if the two are talking, he avoids them; simply going about with his day as usual. speaking with tighnari when layla’s not around, then when she gets there, the blonde pointedly lets them talk and wander and…
leave him out…
it’s okay, they can be friends, i’m not that jealous- kaveh clings to what he’s told himself. clings to what he knows is proper manners. -tighnari still likes me. he’s allowed to have another close friend, it’s fine.
he can feel himself slipping— his mind being corrupted by the jealousy which he knows his his problem that he must deal with. kaveh doesn’t intend to let his own issues interfere with someone‘s friendship. especially not his own. thus, the blonde hides it the best he can, letting his annoyance slip out in other, less notable ways. usually, he can be quite rude; easy to do when living without understanding of typical social norms, as well as only thinking logically and based on facts and what he thinks is okay and not okay to say. so eventually, kaveh gets another message from layla.
layla: “hey i want to talk to you about something you said about my really good friend, katrina, that wasnt really nice so if you could refrain from that kind of stuff, i would appreciate it.”
what? oh, right, i said she looked like a bitch… it’s true, though, and we were sharing opinions. and i can’t help being so judgemental, trusting people despite their appearance got me fucked over… it’s not like layla was even invited to the group to talk. she showed up.
shaking his negative thoughts away, kaveh types up the most civil, calm response he can manage.
“dude no offence but it’s highschool, people are gonna say shitty things. it’s a pity that you got upset about it, but i will not be sorry for it.”
layla: “i wasnt upset. i am asking you to at least wait until im not in your face before you say something about my friend.”
what does she mean? yes, obviously layla wants a break down because otherwise she won’t understand that, psychologically, kaveh never feels sorry for anything, really. so he again writes something he thinks won’t make the situation worse.
“i didn’t realize she was your friend”
layla: “i said it multiple times, and anyways its just blatant decency.”
“you came and started a conversation. i thought the least i could do would be to chime in instead of ignore you. because, perhaps ignoring you would give you the idea that i’m mad at you”
layla: “im aware of how you feel about me, lets be real here.”
what?
“what do you mean?”
“i don’t mean to come off aggressive. i don’t hate you, i don’t dislike you. my only issues you have anything to do with is your friendship with one person and it’s my problem that i find it annoying. it’s nothing you’ve done.”
layla: “you find my personal friendship with tighnari annoying, which in itself is annoying”
kaveh feels everything slipping again. his stomach sinks and his ribcage is suddenly too small- too tight. lungs and a heart are stuffed into a place they don’t fit. his hands aren’t his anymore- they’re shaking and he can’t control it. just as the dizziness begins to set in, a wet nose presses against his thigh. looking down, the boy focuses on the cuddly face of charlie, his dog. smiling from her comfort, kaveh lets the large pup climb up into his lap, plopping down to calm him and anchor his mind. panic attacks aren’t so terrible with her around.
deep breaths help calm the blonde and he types up a quick blurb along the lines of “yeah, and it’s my problem that i’m responsible for dealing with. i’m not trying to let it ruin things.” back to layla. as soon as the message is marked as delivered, kaveh shuts the phone off with a sigh. he’s done all he can in that situation- tried all he can to explain things to layla. shit, then things should be explained to tighnari, too. before layla can twist the story.
“hey tighnari…”
what the fuck else do i say?
“i’m an asshole. i psychologically can’t be sorry, so i won’t lie and say i am, because i’m not. i’m just an asshole. if you don’t like it, you may act accordingly. i’m not mad at you, just exhausted in general.”
finally, kaveh can get back to letting his mind rot as he waits for time to pass.
“i don’t know why you love me so much, charlie.”
“can’t believe you got me to skip being a teacher’s assistant to help you study.”
with a sigh, kaveh listens and holds the door open for a friend of his, kaeya. they’d met about a half-dozen years prior after being shuffled into the same class and for some reason they became buddies. back then, kaveh had been a sweet, generous, thoughtful little girl. he’d avoided dresses and skirts, but had long hair and enjoyed things like animals and drawing and playing house. though, only when the boys would play too. throughout his whole life, the blonde’s always preferred the company of a boy over that of a girl. which was easy, considering everyone was little, and they had similar interests, so kaveh got to hang out with the boys.
“thank you, dude. i’m really lost with this and the teacher doesn’t put the process on the answer sheet,” kaeya led the way down the stairs into the library, sparing a glance over into the reading room. “hey, isn’t that tighnari?”
hearing the name of his friend, kaveh perked up and turned his gaze to follow kaeya’s. sure enough, the fox-eared boy was sitting alone at a table beyond the curtain, his backpack beside him and a computer in front of him. without a word, the two silently agreed to make way for their friend, pulling out seats across from him. tighnari looked up, unamused- almost not even pleased to see his friends. but he didn’t ignore them.
“what are you two doing here?” the black-haired boy leaned back, pausing from his work. “don’t you, y’know, have classes to be at?”
“we’ve both got teaching assistants’ periods right now and i need help studying for my math test later.” kaeya responded casually before the blonde could think to feel hurt by the sharp tongue of his friend. either the boy didn’t notice the tone, or he dismissed it. “neither of our teachers needed us for anything so we checked in and came down here.”
settling in, kaveh sighs softly and pulls out his old math notes, hoping he can make some sense of it and be useful in helping. a pencil and a fancy graphing calculator follow the notebook onto the table. flipping through to find some remotely useful or relevant equation, he leaves the pages open and slides it to kaeya. every now and again, kaveh glances across the table to the third boy. he wants to say something— anything. but whatever those words should be are beyond him. conversation is difficult.
the blonde watches kaeya work, trying to dredge up the process of these problems in his mind so he can be of more use. but distractions keep creeping in. though, one particular distraction brings about an idea. swallowing a stupid laugh, kaveh grabs his calculator and switches it into letter-lock; a command which types out letters instead of numbers and special characters. usually, the boy only writes immature words or short phrases into the small machine and shows it off to his friends with a giggle. but now it’s actually coming in hand.
i’m sorry i’ve been
a bad friend
short and sweet. the way it should be.
smiling to himself, kaveh pushes his calculator over to his friend, watching his face as the message is read. the fox-eared boy doesn’t look surprised or grossed out or unhappy, which makes his heart soar.
“i- um. i don’t know how to do that so i’ll just say it.” tighnari, as awkward as ever, passes the calculator back and leans over. his voice is soft and, if he had to describe it as anything, kaveh would say it’s like the thickness and taste of liquid pepto bismol. in a good way. “it- it’s okay.”
“cool.” the blonde relaxes, hiding the cheerful, childlike grin which nestled itself on his face, leaning back again “cool, cool.”
kaveh feels so oddly light sitting there in his library chair. his heart is fluttery with joy- the friendship isn’t over with. it’s okay because tighnari understands his difficulties and doesn’t judge him for it. as it always has been, they’re still best friends.
the rest of that class period in the library goes by fast- not that there was much more time to pass than about forty minutes. kaeya had continued to study for his math test, and tighnari had continued doing his own work, whatever it consisted of. the bell finally rang and, bidding farewell to kaeya, kaveh stayed beside his other friend as the boy packed his things. there was a gentle quietness between the two teenagers, one that didn’t need to be filled. though the blonde wished silently to. he wanted to talk to tighnari like old times, like usual.
“so- uh- how’s life been?” stupid opening quesrion, genius. “um- what were you working on?”
“life’s been alright. i was working on some history stuff for my mom,” passing his water bottle from one hand to the other and back, he continues after a short pause. “how’s tech doing? the castle look good?”
“oh… yeah, we’re working hard on it. i think it looks really good, i’m kinda the self-appointed head of painting the panels. the birdcage is… surely coming along, too.” finally, something easy to talk about. sighing fondly at the progress of the set, he offers his own question, “you enjoying choreography? i’ve heard that it’s got the footloose dance in there.”
“yeah. we’re… uh.. we’re doing it.”
unable to help feeling a little disappointed, kaveh quickly identifies that response as uninterested. but he doesn’t give up. rather, he sticks with his friend, thinking of hew ways to stir up small talk. the blonde’s always thought talking just to fill the awkward void of silence to be useless. which, really, it is. but this friendship is more important than his own principles of social conduct. thus, he tries again.
“so where are you going now? what cla-“
oh no. no no no. this can’t be real. kaveh is cut off by the girl he’d noticed approaching only half a second before. layla. she runs up to tighnari, grabbing onto him like how the blonde used to.
“nari nari nari nari! guess what!?” the girl barely gives him time to respond before she very loudly continues, “nari nari- so i emailed ms rosalyn and guess what!?”
“woah, woah, hold on-“ tighnari, caught off guard by the ambush, stops to speak to the girl “what-“
“nari i emailed ms rosalyn, right? guess what she said!”
kaveh’s stomach sinks as he watches the events unfold before him; layla practically attacking the boy with her story. frozen, he just watches the two pass by, walking to tighnari’s next class. despite the bustle of the hallway; people going in and out of the library, up and down the stairs, everything feels so empty and lonely. the blonde watches layla drag his friend up the stairs, entirely destroying the fragile peace which was built. the day was going so well, and calmness- joy had settled within kaveh.
eyebrows furrowing and face twisting with anger, hands ball into fists and the boy stiffly begins the way to his next class. though not without grumbling to himself, well out of earshot, turning his gaze to the concrete floors.
“this is fucking bullshit. stupid goddamn absolute bullshit. hypocritical bitch.”
it’s around noon, the middle of history class, and as usual, kaveh can’t sit still. alternating between tapping his foot on the ground and his fingernails on the desk, his red eyes dart around the room. first to the class- no, school creep, then the homophobic asshole who was in the same physics class first semester, then to the clock and to the teacher. it’s work time, but the boy had already finished what they’d been doing, so it’s a matter of waiting until lunch to go find kaeya. everything but nothing in particular runs through his head.
“kaveh you good?”
a smooth, soft voice brings him out of his trance, and kaveh turns to see the teacher standing in front of his desk. this teacher, arguably, has always been one of the best in the history department.
“oh- yeah. just zoning out i guess.”
“okay cool cool. just making sure. you can grab your phone if you want, i don’t care. just don’t distract your classmates.”
a grateful, thankful smile graces the boy’s face as he stands from the desk. since middleschool, every teacher has had the option to collect their students phones in a little box at the front of the classroom. most teachers made it mandatory, but those who didn’t often got phones up there anyways; out of respect. kaveh has been one of these students since the beginning of the year, but since permission was given, he won’t say no.
ignoring the sprinkle of notifications he’d gathered from tweeter and snipchat, the blonde navigates first to a group chat between kaeya, a mutual friend nilou, and kaveh himself. those two were good people- actually good people. they were close enough that he could say things and know he’d not be judged, yet just distant enough that kaveh wouldn’t be too distraught if the friendships were to be lost. a good place to keep people at, the boy firmly believes.
“i’m so fucking tired guys, i can’t do this over
and over again.”
it’s not long before he gets a reply
kaeya: “what happened?”
“so it was after we left the library, nari and i were walking and talking and layla comes out of nowhere and fucking stole his attention. hypocrite. don’t want me to interrupt your conversation with him, but you can go interrupt my conversation with him?”
nilou, surprisingly, chirps in. usually she doesn’t get on her phone during class.
nilou: “if i see layla i’ll talk to her.”
“i’m sorry guys i’m just really tired. you don’t need to talk to her, it’s fine, this is my problem. that’d be making unnecessary trouble for you.”
the two seem to disappear and he can’t stifle a sigh. placing his phone down on the desk, kaveh returns to staring blankly at the wall, waiting for the minutes to tick by. at least class is already pretty much over. lunch is not quite over when another text pops up at the top of his screen.
nilou: “i talked to layla. i think she’ll chill a bit, i think the reason she’s been talking to tighnari so much is because she has a crush on one of his friends in theatre? kinda weird reason but nevertheless hope it stops being an issue”
kaeya: “yeah, that’s is weird.”
sighing, kaveh types up a response for them, feeling anger twist his stomach into knots.
“it probably won’t. i mean, i’ll test the waters next week, but if it makes no difference then i’ll… i’ll just stop putting the effort in. it’s no longer beneficial to me.”
nilou: “i mean, have you talked to tighnari?”
“yes. he has his phone. he’s seen my messages. he’s said nothing. i told him i’m sorry and he said “it’s okay”. no reassurance. nothing.”
nilou: “some people are shitty communicators over text, so maybe going up to him and saying you need to talk could work?”
again, anger twists his stomach and tightens his chest. the boy sighs, angry because she’s so right. angry because he’s bad at verbal communication. but tighnari is important enough to get over it just this once. for the rest of the day, the thought excites kaveh, circulating through his head, bouncing around within the walls of his skull over and over. school flys by, quickly drawing its end and allowing the boy to get home and do whatever possible to take his mind off things. even ideas he’s excited about, the blonde always tries to distract himself. but still, it’s hard to keep it down. this, surely, will fix things. everything will return to the way it was.
right?
night falls, wrapping the world in a warm, sweet, dark sleep. despite the excitement, kaveh is no exception. with a soft, excited smile and something akin to a grunt of determination, he closes his eyes and relaxes. no daydreams before bed, no made up scenes in the boy’s head to lull him to sleep. no, for the first time in a long time, he feels good going into the weekend. once it’s over, things with tighnari will clear up, and life will be good again. letting that become motivation, kaveh feels sleep tug at the edges of his pyjamas and the edges of his mind. eventually, it takes him.
unconsciousness has never before been so expansive and comfortable… so warm and deep and unable to be disturbed. yet now it is, a beautiful darkness wrapped in darkness, both empty and full, tangled all around one young boy.
being awake didn’t feel like being awake until his eyes cracked open to the dark of the room. a familiar sight brought from a familiar, yet not entirely unwelcome, interruption of sleep. kaveh peeled the bedsheets away and rolled over, pushing his body up from the bed. feeling strangely rested, it’s an easy climb down from his top bunk, then a routine walk through his room and the hall. it’s become a habit to wake up in the early early hours of the morning to get up, use the restroom, then go right back to bed. having accepted this, kaveh finds some peace in being awake at such a quiet, isolated hour. cold sink water against his hands brings the boy a sense of peace, it settles his stomach and relaxes his shoulders. like stepping inside a warm building in the middle of a storm.
back in bed, sighing as he settles in, he pulls his precious plushies close and wraps arms around them, each with its own spot. so warm and comfortable, but so well rested that sleep no longer threatens to weigh his body down. shaking his head, kaveh reaches out through the darkness until his fingers brush his shelf, feeling up the wooden structure until he finds the phone charging atop it. powering the phone on, the bright clock at the top reads 2:58 AM. more than enough time to crank out a response to the writing group he’s apart of, then fall asleep and wake up as if this early morning shuffle never happened.
looking down to the pile of notification bars, the boy’s heart skips a beat. one notification from tighnari. plugging in the phone’s password, he opens the chat and eyes fall on a little grey voice message. heart fluttering like a bird locked in a cage, the boy’s mind races as he reaches the only viable conclusion.
nilou was right! he thought, nari’s just bad at communicating over text! it’s just easier for him to say these things out loud and he wanted to send me a voice message so i don’t worry about it over the weekend.
excitedly, he downloads the audio file, opening it with a grin. this is it. this is really, really it.
“hello. due to how you have treated me and my surrounding friends for the past several months, and the advice of my family and colleagues, i have decided that i can no longer be friends with you. i will no longer reply to your texts or calls from this point forward. i hope you have a nice life, and i wish you the best as well.”
what?
kaveh’s heart sinks, a pit opening in his stomach to devour everything. words can’t quite describe how he feels now. hurt, angry, jealous, betrayed, confused, scared… tighnari’s voice sounds so monotone and robotic, so obviously reading from a script. the least he could have done would be to say something a little more from the heart. silently, in the back of his mind, the boy prays that this is all a bad dream. yet he knows that’s not true. it could never be true.
staring now blankly at the phone, he takes a moment to simply sit and process. tears threaten to sting at the edges of his vision, but kaveh forces them away. now is no time for that. so, rather, he finally stirs, closing the chat with a long blink. moving to the thread with nilou and kaeya, a distant gaze flicks across the message from earlier that day, about how tighnari may just be better at verbal communication. biting his tongue, kaveh uploads the voice message to the chat, sighing as he sees the time: 3:09 AM.
(3:10) this isn’t fucking fair
(3:11) this isn’t fair
(3:12) why does this ALWAYS happen
(3:12) and it’s always to me
there’s a million words that could be thrown at tighnari, a million words that could be said about tighnari. yet none come to mind other than this being unfair. because it’s not. nothing ever is, and the only constant in kaveh’s life is that everything ends like this. the only constant is him. there’s no more anger in his chest, no more fear. just a bitter resentment; not towards tighnari, no. towards layla. squeezing his phone, kaveh moves to the thread between him and his therapist.
(3:12) [voice message]
(3:12) this is from tighnari
(3:13) this isn’t fucking fair because it ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME
(3:14) i always try so fucking hard to make friends and keep them close and he was one of the six people i actually cared about
(3:14) it’s always those people who do this
(3:14) i’m actually so fucking done
(3:14) this is a sick fucking joke
(3:16) this is why i say i’m not good enough
(3:16) this is why my self esteem is so low
(3:16) everyone i care about leaves me
feeling like a sour, rotting body, laying there in bed, feeling unwanted by everyone, the boy turns his phone off and rolls onto his back. in the darkness, he feels a little relieved that therapy had been moved to saturday. perfect timing. turning back to the phone, kaveh again unlocks the small device, again staring blankly at the audio file. typing slowly into the chat with nilou and kaeya, he wipes away the crusties at his eyes.
(3:18) this just isn’t fair dude
it’s really, really not fair.