Archive of Our Own

“Good morning, Detective Beckett.” Castle said, weaving through the mess of cops and stepping onto the dock where that morning’s victim had been found. He handed her her usual morning coffee.

“Castle.” Beckett said in greeting, taking the travel mug from him.

“So, what do we have so far?” Castle asked, taking a drink of his coffee and then almost spilling it on himself as the hot temperature caught him off guard.

Beckett and Esposito watched him and tried not to laugh.

“Well,” Esposito started, but was unable to finish as he was cut off a second later.

“Hey, don’t try to start this without me.”

Esposito smiled when he saw who it was and quickly stepped over to his partner. He had bags under his eyes, but otherwise looked in perfect health. “I was starting to think you were never gonna drag your ass back to work.” He gave him a one armed hug.

Ryan shrugged. “Two weeks of sitting in my apartment alone with pneumonia was making me stir crazy.” He said.

“Well, are you alright?” Esposito asked. “Do you think you should be working?”

“I’m okay, mom .” Ryan said, giving Esposito a smirk. “The most you’ll hear out of me is a slight cough every once in a while. Other than that, I’m perfectly healthy. If you want a doctor’s note, I’ll get one for you.”

“You say that as a joke, but I will make you get one.” Esposito said.

“Okay, whenever the two of you are done being cute, we could really use your help solving the murder over here.” Beckett said. “Espo, what do you have?”

“Right.” Esposito stepped back over to where their murder victim was currently covered by a sheet, still in place on the dock. “Female, looks to be in her twenties, found on the dock this morning by Tom Abernathy, the guy who owns this boat.” He pointed at a large boat close to the dock. “We’re getting his full statement now. Lanie’s getting the body moved so she can examine it better, but from what she could make out so far, she drowned around midnight…” He trailed off. “Ryan?” He asked.

Ryan snapped to attention, pulling his gaze away from the girl under the sheet. “Yeah?”

“You okay?” Esposito asked softly.

“Yeah, of course.” Ryan gave a smile that anyone could tell was fake. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, you just… seemed to space out a little.”

“I’m okay.” Ryan said. “Really.”

Beckett hesitated before asking more questions. “So, do we know if this was a homicide yet?”

“No definitive proof yet.” Esposito replied, pulling his gaze away from his partner. “But we’re looking into witnesses and Lanie is going to see if she can find signs of a struggle. Other than that, it could be a whole list of things. One thing we know for sure, someone had to have put her on the dock. There’s no way her body could have washed up and ended up where she was found.”

“Right.” Beckett said, nodding. “Well, let’s see if we can get any witness accounts and we’ll have to see if we can track down the victim’s family. Did you find an ID?”

“Not yet.” Esposito said. “She didn’t have a wallet on her or anything, but we are trying to see if anyone recognizes her. We can check missing person cases and we’ll run her prints to see what we can dig up.”

“Okay, you two tackle witness accounts, Castle and I will poke around here and see what we can find, maybe even get a definite ID.”

Esposito nodded and spun around, Ryan following close behind.

“You sure you’re alright, Ryan?” Esposito asked after a minute.

“What? Yeah, I’m okay.” Ryan said, putting on that fake smile again. “Why wouldn’t I be? I’m finally back at work.”

Esposito stopped to face him. “You know, Kevin, we’ll understand if you don’t want to work this case. It takes time to-”

“I said I’m fine.” Ryan dropped the smile.

Esposito held his gaze for only a minute before shrugging. “Okay.” He said, but he was not even slightly convinced.

“Mr. Abernathy.” Ryan said, as they approached the man waiting to be interviewed. “You’re the one who found the girl?”

“That’s right.” Mr. Abernathy said, nodding. “Like I was telling this fella here.” He gestured to the officer standing next to him.

“We can take it from here.” Esposito said and the cop nodded and left.

“Did you know the victim, Mr. Abernathy?” Ryan continued.

“Never seen her before in my life.” He said, shrugging. “I was about to take my boat out when I saw her shoe. I walked around the boat and there she was all wet and white as a ghost. Obviously drowned. That’s when I called you guys.”

“And you didn’t see anything last night?” Esposito asked. “Or hear anything?”

“Not a thing.” Mr. Abernathy shook his head. “But I do turn in early most nights. The only one who would have seen something would be Miss Pierce, the nosey lady who practically lives on her dead husband’s boat. Seems she can’t bring herself to part with it and spends all her time inside spying on everyone. I can almost guarantee she knows the girl, or at least saw her.”

“Thank you, Mr. Abernathy.” Ryan said, closing his notebook. “You mind pointing us in the direction of Miss Pierce’s boat?”

“Right over there.” Mr. Abernathy said, pointing. “The big one with the blue stripe and all the paint peeling off the name. I think it used to say Bertha, but it’s been so many years I can’t make it out anymore.”

“Thank you, sir.” Ryan said. “We’ll contact you if we need anything more.”

They turned and made their way over to the boat.

“You handled that well.” Esposito said softly.

“What do you mean?” Ryan asked, tilting his head to the side.

“Just that you’re getting back into the swing of things pretty easily.” Esposito shrugged. “I guess I assumed it would take a while to get over… well…” He trailed off.

“Javi, I’m fine.” Ryan reassured for what felt like the millionth time. “I don’t have any lasting trauma or whatever. Now, come on, we’ve got a case to solve.” He jogged up to the boat and knocked on the door, Esposito following close behind.

A very thin lady who looked to be in her late fifties opened the door barely enough to see who it was, her large brown eyes curious. “Yes?” She asked.

“Miss Pierce?” Esposito asked.

“Yes.” She said, keeping the door mostly closed.

“I’m Detective Ryan, this is Detective Esposito, we’d like to ask you some questions if that’s alright.” Ryan said, giving her a good look at his badge.

Miss Pierce hesitated. “Well, ask them then.” She said, clearly not even thinking of letting them in.

“Uh, right.” Ryan pulled out his notebook. “Ma’am, there was a young woman found over on the dock right back there,” he jabbed his thumb in the direction of the dock. “And we were wondering if maybe you’d seen anything?”

“What makes you think I saw anything?” Miss Pierce asked, acting oddly suspicious of the detectives.

“Well, we were told you’re always here and that it’s possible you saw something going on.” Esposito said.

“Who told you that?” Miss Pierce asked. “Was it Abernathy? That bastard is always in my business.”

“Ma’am, we just want to know if you knew the girl or if you saw her last night, possibly with someone.” Esposito said, trying to keep her focused on the topic at hand. “And please be reminded that you can be charged for withholding information from the police.”

Miss Pierce hesitated. “Well, I might have seen them.” She said.

“Them?” Ryan asked, beginning to write in his notepad.

Miss Pierce opened the door ever so slightly wider. “Now, Gentlemen, I don’t make a point of putting my nose in other people’s business. I keep to myself. But it’s hard to ignore yelling.”

“Yelling?” Ryan asked.

“They were having a loud argument by the sound of it.” Miss Pierce said. “A girl and who I assume was a boyfriend.” She shrugged slightly. “Didn’t catch what the argument was about, but she threatened to call the police. That’s when I retreated back to my bed. I was not going to be a witness to anything illegal.”

Ryan hesitated as he finished writing some notes. “Miss Pierce, did you know either of them?”

“Never seen them before in my life.” She said.

“Do you think you could describe them?” Ryan asked.

Miss Pierce seemed highly inconvenienced at this request. “Well, it was dark, so I couldn’t see much.” She said. “But the girl had red hair, bad dye job in my opinion, and was wearing a dress I think. The boy was harder to see, but I think he had short black hair. Or brown hair. Like I said, it was dark. I didn’t notice anything else about them.”

“And did either of them mention a name at all?” Esposito asked.

“No.” Miss Pierce said, her tone a little snappish. “Is that all?”

“For now, Miss Pierce.” Esposito said. “Thank you for your time.”

Miss Pierce didn’t hesitate to practically slam the door shut in their faces.

“Pleasant woman.” Ryan said sarcastically, writing the last few notes down and placing his notebook in his breast pocket. “But now we know one thing. This was murder.”

“Could’ve been an accident.” Esposito reasoned.

“Involuntary manslaughter then.” Ryan said. “Come on, let’s go tell Beckett what we found out and maybe if we can figure out who the girl is, we can find the boyfriend and get some answers.”

Esposito watched Ryan skip down the step that led up to the door and couldn’t help but feel like Ryan seemed to be overly chipper, as if he was trying too hard to prove he was well adjusted and happy.

~.~.~

“It’s entirely possible he’s just fine, Espo.” Beckett said as she filled up her mug in the break room.

“You don’t see it?” Esposito said, looking at Ryan through the window.

“What am I supposed to be seeing?” Beckett asked, joining in the impromptu stalking of their partner.

“He’s not the same.” Esposito said. “He’s way too happy for someone who just escaped death by drowning. And I’m not entirely sure a case with a drowning victim is the best case he should be working on his first day back from aspiration pneumonia.”

“Esposito.” Beckett said, giving him a look. “If it bothered him that much, he would tell us.”

“Not necessarily.” Esposito shook his head. “This is Ryan we’re talking about. If he was having a problem, he would keep it to himself. There are secrets he has that I know he’ll take to his grave.”

“If they’re secrets, how do you know about them?” Beckett smirked.

Esposito gave her an unamused look. “Because I know my partner and I can tell when he has a problem even if he doesn’t tell me.” He looked back out the window at his partner on the phone, jotting something down in his notebook.

“Well, then,” Beckett said softly. “Maybe you should talk to him about it.”

“Tried that.” Esposito said. “He insists he’s fine every time.”

“Look, Espo.” Beckett sighed. “You might have to wait until he breaks.”

Esposito looked over at her, confused and a little appalled.

“If he won’t admit he has a problem, then the only thing you can do is wait until he can’t deny it.” She shrugged. “If he never breaks, then it was something he could handle on his own.” She paused. “You guys both went through something traumatizing, more so for Ryan. I can’t imagine having your head dunked in ice water over and over and then contracting pneumonia from that being something you can just bounce back from. But he’s had weeks. He even refused to see the psychologist, and Montgomery wouldn’t let him slide through on that one unless he was sure he was fine. Maybe he’s just stronger than you give him credit for.”

“It’s not about strength, Beckett.” Esposito said. “My partner is one of the strongest people I know. I know this is something he can get over, I just… I don’t think he’s there yet.”

“Then my original statement stands.” Beckett said softly. “Wait and see if he gets to a point where he has to admit there’s something wrong. And then you can help build him back up.”

“I’m not going to abandon him.”

“I never said that.” Beckett said sternly. “I know Ryan’s not going to jump at the chance to admit he has a weakness. Be there for him, but don’t push it. You force it and he may close off completely. Just… let him come to you.” She gave Esposito a sympathetic look before stepping out of the break room and joining Ryan in the investigation.

Esposito watched Ryan hang up the phone and then look over at him and smile. Esposito gave a half smile back. He watched Ryan stand and tell Beckett something and then he stepped away from the window as Ryan headed to the break room.

“Hey.” Ryan said, stepping over to the espresso machine and getting himself some coffee.

“Hey.” Esposito responded.

“You gonna help us out with the investigation, or are you going to continue being a creep and watch me through the window all day?”

Esposito could feel the temperature rise in his cheeks as he realized he wasn’t being as discreet as he thought.

Ryan turned away from the machine and gave him a smile. “I’m gonna tell you one more time, Javi. I’m okay. I’ll admit, I’m not thrilled about how our victim was killed, but I can handle it.” He turned back and grabbed his mug.

“Hey, guys.” Beckett said, poking her head into the room. “Lanie’s got something for us.”

“Let’s go, partner.” Ryan smiled at Esposito and followed Beckett out the door.

Esposito watched him go before sighing and following them both.

~.~.~

“Okay, Lanie, what do you have for us?” Beckett asked, entering the room with her partners and Castle following close behind.

“Hello, Kate, how was your day? My day has been fabulous and by the way, yes I did get a new haircut.” Lanie pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow.

“It looks great, Lanie.” Beckett said.

“These three are men, they don’t notice anything, but you don’t have an excuse.” Lanie said, stepping over to the body and pulling the light directly overhead so they could see things more clearly.

“I was in the middle of investigating the waterlogged victim.” Beckett defended. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice.”

“I want it on record that I totally noticed.” Esposito said, raising his hand slightly.

“Apology noted and accepted.” Lanie gave Beckett a playful smile. “Javi, lying does not become you.”

Beckett laughed. “Okay, Lanie, what do you have for us?” She said before Esposito could retort.

“Well,” Lanie said, turning back to the body. “I actually have a lot. First, I have the time of death. I estimate she was killed between midnight and one this morning. And I also have the MO.” She stepped over to the body that was lying face down on the table. “There are bruises here on her neck,” she brushed some of the hair aside to give them a good look. “And more bruises here on her wrists.” She lifted one of the girl’s arms. “And a large horizontal bruise across her stomach.”

Ryan tensed slightly as if he knew what was coming, and Esposito noticed, glancing over at him as Lanie continued.

“She also had skin cells under her nails that I sent to be tested, we may not get a match but you never know, and water in her lungs.”

Ryan was no longer looking at the body, but instead seemed more interested in his shoes.

Lanie took a deep breath. “From all of this I can assume she fought her attacker to a point, but they got the better of her. After the altercation, I can tell by the bruises that the attacker was behind her, possibly sitting on her back to hold her in place.”

Ryan ran a hand through his hair.

“They held her arms behind her back with one hand and with the other, forced her head under water until she drowned-” Lanie was cut off by Ryan leaving the room swiftly, bursting through the doors.

Esposito gave Beckett a look.

“Go after him.” Beckett said softly. “Anything else, Lanie?”

Lanie watched Esposito leave the room before continuing. “Just that the bruise on her stomach was probably from the peer she was bent over as they forced her head underwater…”

Esposito stepped out of the room and looked around for Ryan who he spotted pacing back and forth, wringing his hands as he did so. As he got closer, he noticed Ryan’s breathing bordering on hyperventilation.

“Hey.” Esposito moved over to him and stopped right in front of him, putting his hands on his shoulders to make him stop. “You alright?”

Ryan looked at him and shrugged. “I-I don’t know.” He said, breathing still shaky and hands unable to stop moving.

“Okay, first you gotta breathe normally so you don’t pass out.” Esposito said. He took one hand off Ryan’s shoulder and moved it to his chest. “In slowly through your nose and out through your mouth, come on.”

Ryan did as he said, keeping his eyes on Esposito’s to keep himself anchored.

“Good.” Esposito said softly. He reached down to take Ryan’s hands to keep them from shaking. “Keep breathing. In through your nose, as deep as you can go, and out through your mouth as far as you can.”

It took probably longer than was necessary, but eventually Ryan’s heart rate slowed down and he could breathe again. He closed his eyes and let his hands drop out of Esposito’s before backing up against the wall and slowly sliding down it. He put his head in his hands and then moved them up to tangle in his hair. A second later, he felt Esposito sit next to him.

“What happened?” Esposito asked softly.

Ryan sniffed and lifted his head, his eyes slightly red-rimmed as though he would start crying if Esposito wasn’t distracting him. “It all came back to me at once.” He said softly. “The hand on the back of my neck, the rope around my wrists… the f-feeling of my lungs burning.” He took in a shaky breath.

Esposito, sensing another panic attack, put a hand on Ryan’s back and rubbed up and down. “Okay, you’re not there anymore. You’re here in the morgue with breathable air.” He shrugged. “As long as you can forget the smell.”

Ryan huffed out a laugh and smiled over at his partner. After a second, his smile faltered and he looked away. “I thought I was over it.” He whispered. “I thought… I thought that I could handle it.”

“Well,” Esposito continued to rub Ryan’s back as he’d never told him to stop. “First of all, it’s not fair that your first case back was a drowning victim. But also… I mean, you haven’t really had to deal with everything yet.” He shrugged. “You’ve been in your apartment for weeks getting over pneumonia, there wasn’t any time for you to really deal with it. Maybe… maybe you should see Doctor Burke-”

“No.” Ryan cut him off. He took a deep breath and stood. “No, I don’t need that.” He said, rubbing his nose and then wiping his eyes clean of any moisture. “This was just… a minor set back. I’m fine. I just wasn’t expecting it.” He took a deep breath. “Now that I know what to expect, I should be fine.”

“Kevin,” Esposito stood, confused at the sudden 180. “There’s no shame in-”

“I know there’s not.” Ryan cut him off. “But it’s useless when you don’t need it, right? Like I said, this was just a minor set back. I’m alright now.”

“Kev…”

“I mean it. I’m okay.” He gave Esposito a smile, but Esposito was far from convinced.

He hesitated slightly before taking a step toward the morgue. “If you’re sure you want to keep investigating this one.” Esposito said softly.

“I’m sure.” Ryan confirmed, seeming relieved that Esposito believed he was alright.

Esposito absolutely did not believe Ryan was alright, but he knew it would only start an argument if he said as much. He also knew that if Beckett was right and Ryan needed time to come to terms with the fact that he was most decidedly not okay, Esposito was going to need to be there to pick up the pieces.

~.~.~

They weren’t able to get an ID on the girl until a new missing persons report came in later that afternoon. Quinn McNeil, age 21, last seen leaving her parents’ house with her boyfriend at 9 pm. According to the report, she’d been missing for almost two days and her parents were worried sick.

It was the hardest part telling the loved ones what had happened. They’d called Quinn’s parents down to the station to give them the news and hopefully get some answers as to what happened. The girl’s mother was almost incoherent, which meant they were only going to be able to get information out of the father. Once they’d consented to tell them everything they knew, clearly on board with finding the killer, and Beckett had escorted them to the room off to the side, she turned to her partners.

“You guys think you can handle talking to them?” She asked softly.

“You took care of the hard part, Beckett, we can take it from here.” Ryan gave her a small smile.

“Ryan, you sure?” Esposito asked, still not willing to let Ryan’s episode be forgotten easily.

Ryan, clearly annoyed, answered with a curt “Yes.” and headed into the room ahead of his partner. Beckett gave Esposito a pointed look before going back to her desk. Esposito sighed and followed Ryan into the room.

“Mr. and Mrs. McNeil?” Ryan said softly as Esposito closed the door behind them.

Mrs. McNeil looked up, tear streaks down her face and her expression grief-stricken. Mr. McNeil looked equally distraught and had clearly also been crying, but looked like he was going to be able to at least answer some questions.

“We’ll try to be as quick as possible.” Ryan said, taking a seat in one of the chairs while Esposito lowered himself in the other.

Mr. McNeil nodded, putting an arm around his wife and holding her a little closer.

“Okay, well the first thing we usually ask is if you know if Quinn had any enemies.” Esposito said. “Anyone who maybe had a personal vendetta against her.”

Mr. McNeil shook his head. “Not that I know of.” He said softly. “Aside from small rivalries with different girls in her dorm, I don’t think anyone hated her this much.”

Mrs. McNeil took a shaky breath and Mr. McNeil rubbed her arm comfortingly.

“Mr. McNeil, does your daughter have a boyfriend?” Ryan asked after jotting down some notes.

“Oh yes.” Mr. McNeil said. “Hector Valdez. She met him at school. They’d been together almost three years.”

“And did you know if they were having any problems?” Esposito asked.

“Oh, not at all.” Mr. McNeil sighed. “She was visiting from school for the weekend and she couldn’t seem to stop talking about him. All positive things. I don’t even think they’d had a single fight yet.”

“The report said the last you saw she was leaving with him?”

Mr. McNeil nodded. “Hector came to me a few days ago and asked if he could marry my daughter. I… gave him permission to use my boat for the proposal. After that, I only heard from him once saying that he’d planned to meet her at the school the next night, but she told him she was at our house. She wasn’t there.” Here Mr. McNeil paused, seeming to come to terms with what happened and he looked away. “Um… I tried to call him earlier but he never picked up the phone. It’s not uncommon for him, though.”

“One more question, Mr. McNeil, and we’ll be done.” Ryan said softly.

Mr. McNeil looked up and nodded.

“Did she have any close friends? Anyone she was constantly around aside from her boyfriend?”

“Her best friend.” Mr. McNeil said without having to think. “Alex. They grew up together. I hardly ever saw Quinn without him. They’re very close. They even go to the same school and I think they’re taking almost all the same classes. If anyone knows of any darkness in her life, it would be Alex.”

“Thank you, Mr. McNeil.” Ryan said. “We’ll let you two get out of here and we’ll do whatever we can to solve this.”

Mr. McNeil nodded and then stood, helping his wife up who still had done nothing but cry.

When the two of them left, Ryan and Esposito stepped out of the room and to the murder board where Beckett and Castle were waiting for the new information.

“We’ve got a boyfriend and a best friend.” Esposito said. He wrote their names on the board.

“Victim was last seen two days before her murder leaving with the boyfriend, soon to be fiance. So far, he’s our main suspect.” Ryan said. “We should definitely talk to him next. If he is the murderer, he’s probably not going to confess, so we’ll have to also talk to the best friend who will probably know the most of what happened without actually being there.”

“The dad says the boyfriend was supposed to propose that night, but there was no ring found at the scene.” Esposito continued. “The dad also says the boyfriend claims Quinn had told him she was staying at her parents’ house the night of the murder. It’s possible she did, but it’s far more likely that the boyfriend is lying.”

“Good.” Beckett said, nodding. She checked the time and took a breath. “Well, I think we can probably handle talking to the boys tomorrow, it’s late.”

“They’re college kids, I’m sure they’re still awake.” Ryan said.

“Ryan, you don’t have time to drive all the way out to the college to interview a couple of college boys.” Beckett replied. “We can wait to handle them tomorrow. Detectives are allowed to have lives and go home. Besides, we can’t solve a case if we’re hungry and tired. Everyone go home and sleep and we’ll pick this up tomorrow.”

Ryan looked like he wanted to protest, but Beckett gave him a look that suggested she was in no mood to argue. She turned, grabbed her coat and she and Castle headed off to the elevator.

“Come on, man.” Esposito said, moving over to gather his own things. “You look like you could use some sleep anyway. We made some good progress today. We can keep going tomorrow.”

“Yeah.” Ryan said softly.

“Hey,” Esposito made Ryan look at him. “We’ll catch the guy. We pretty much know who it is anyway, right?”

Ryan gave a small smile and nodded.

“You want me to wait for you?”

“No, that’s okay.” Ryan declined. “I just gotta grab my stuff, I’ll probably be less than five minutes behind you.”

“Okay.” Esposito hesitated slightly. “I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

“Yeah.” Ryan confirmed.

Esposito gave him one last look before turning and heading to the elevator.

Ryan swallowed as he watched him go, suddenly feeling terribly alone, which was honestly what he was trying to avoid in the first place. But they were right. Regardless of what Ryan wanted, he couldn’t force his partners to stay later than was necessary just because he didn’t want to be alone.

He gave a small sigh and gathered his things. He shutdown his computer and eased his coat on, looking around at the few people still in the precinct doing the same. He hesitated slightly before grabbing his bag and walking to the elevator, all the while trying not to get lost in his own head.

“You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay.” He chanted softly to himself as he made his way to his car. He continued to say it to himself as he pulled out into traffic and he turned on the music loud to try and distract himself from everything.

“You’re fine.” He said softly. “You’ve been living alone in your apartment for years and you just spent weeks seeing practically no one. You’ll be fine. Stop freaking out.” He gave a small sigh as he parked his car by his building. “You’re not fine, you’re talking to yourself.” He muttered angrily. He took a second to compose himself before stepping out of the car and heading up to his apartment, taking extra care to make sure he didn’t mutter to himself like a crazy person in case his neighbors or someone noticed.

He was shaking by the time he made it to the door and it took him several tries to unlock it, the key never just going into the lock and always being slightly off, making new marks around the keyhole.

Once he finally made it in, he shut the door and then leaned back against it, letting his bag drop to the floor. He spent a couple minutes trying to breathe the way Esposito had told him earlier. It helped once, he just hoped it would help again. But he didn’t have Esposito to focus on this time. All he had was himself and no distraction from the thoughts swirling around in his head.

It worked for a while. He didn’t feel as dizzy and the shaking stopped, but it was quiet and soon he was being beaten down by the thoughts in his head again.

A distraction, that’s what he needed. Something to take all his attention so the thoughts in his head would take a backseat.

He felt a little hungry around the knot in his stomach, and he’d been unable to eat lunch anyway. Preparing food felt like a good enough distraction, but he turned on the tv just in case it wasn’t enough. He stepped into the kitchen after turning on the tv, increasing the volume maybe more than was necessary, and opened the fridge, staring into it as if hoping something appetizing would jump out at him. Instead, most of the contents of the fridge were unappetizing. Or it could just have been that the knot in his stomach wanted something specific that it wasn’t telling him.

With a sigh, he shut the fridge and stepped over to the cupboard, hoping he still had some crackers. Crackers were a safe food.

As he pulled down the box and looked down into it, he couldn’t even bring himself to eat the crackers. He set the box down and shut his eyes, trying to swallow down the lump in his throat, the lump he’d had all day that would only go away when he had distractions. But not even the volume of the tv could distract him now and, though he hated to admit it, all he wanted to do was sink to the floor and cry.

It wasn’t fair that he couldn’t get it out of his head. It wasn’t fair that he had a nightmare almost every night. It wasn’t fair that his first day back was a drowning victim. Nothing about his stupid situation was fair and he couldn’t tell if he was crying because of the fear or because of how unfair it was. Either way, he felt like a sniveling child.

He sniffed and took a shaky breath, trying to calm himself but having very little success. He gritted his teeth slightly and grabbed the box of crackers, hoping that once he settled on a good tv show, he’d be distracted enough to eat the damn things.

He slumped down on his red couch and picked up the remote, changing channels and hoping something good would be on.

More than anything, he wanted to sleep. He was so tired from nightmares and panic attacks that he wanted to just fall into unconscious bliss for as long as he could, but he knew there was a good chance that he would have another drowning nightmare. For the most part, he would stay up until he physically could not keep his eyes open. It was a bad system, especially when he couldn’t get to sleep earlier than three in the morning, but it was the only system he had.

When he settled on an overdramatic cop show, his phone went off, startling him and causing him to jump.

He reached over and picked up the phone, making a mental note to turn down the volume, and was surprised to see that it was Esposito calling him.

He cleared his throat, hoping that he wouldn’t sound too much like he’d been crying, and answered.

“Hello?” He asked softly.

“Hey, Kev.” Esposito said. He sounded cautious, as if he was afraid to say the wrong thing.

“What’s up?” Ryan asked.

“Well, I was thinking,” Esposito said. “We haven’t hung out in a while. You practically quarantined yourself when you were sick, and I figured since you were well enough to come to work today, we could maybe order some food and play Madden.”

God, yes. Please yes. Please come over and distract me. “Well, we’ve got work tomorrow. We probably won’t be able to play a lot.”

“Yeah, I know.” Esposito paused. “I just… well, I missed you, man. We never even really got a chance to talk about anything because of the case. Even just an hour could be fun.”

“If we plan for this weekend we could hang out longer.” But if you came over right now it might get rid of the knot in my stomach.

“That’s true.” Esposito sounded disappointed. “I guess we can plan for that.”

“Yeah.” Ryan’s voice was low, almost a whisper.

Esposito hesitated before speaking again. “Ryan, are you okay?”

“Yeah.” That sounded fake and he knows it. I’m not okay and he’s going to want to talk about it when I see him tomorrow.

“Are you sure you don’t… need someone to come over?”

“No, I’m okay.” I’m going to throw up. “You don’t need to worry about me.”

“You’re my partner, of course I need to worry about you.”

“Javi, I promise I’m fine.” Liar.

“Okay. Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. See ya.”

Ryan hung up the phone and tossed it to the other end of the couch, feeling disappointed that he couldn’t bring himself to let Esposito see him like this. He already witnessed a panic attack, and Ryan really didn’t want another situation like that. He did, however, wish he had someone to see him fall apart and still love him the same.

Ryan paused at the word. He loved Esposito, that much was true. But it was at this point that he wasn’t sure what kind of love it was or even if he wanted to find out. He wasn’t sure if Esposito would want him to either.

Besides, Esposito probably wouldn’t want someone broken.

Ryan stopped himself before he could go too far down that road. But it was why he didn’t want Esposito to come over in the first place, wasn’t it? He didn’t want Esposito to find out he was broken. Forget falling in love, he didn’t want Esposito to want a new partner because the one he had now was falling apart.

Logically, Ryan knew Esposito would never do that. He wouldn’t just drop him.

Would he?

Ryan groaned and ran a hand over his face. This was why he needed distractions. One intrusive and often irrational thought would lead to another and another until he got to a point where he could no longer breathe. And instead of turning into a sobbing mess, he’d rather avoid that and go back to normal.

But he wasn’t normal. Not anymore. He would give anything to go back to being what he was before, but until he could sleep through the night without dreaming he was dying, he was never going to be normal.

The stupid cop show was now getting on his nerves and he picked up the remote to change the channel again. He settled on some cartoon, trying to shift the mood to something lighter and release some of the pressure in his chest. He smiled slightly at one of the jokes, but was startled again by a knock on the door

This was not something Ryan had to deal with before. Loud noises never sent him into panic mode and he was angry that they were doing it now.

He put the tv on mute and stepped over to the door, checking through the peephole as he wasn’t expecting anyone. He was thoroughly surprised to see Esposito standing there holding a pizza and a six pack of beer.

Ryan took a step back and opened the door. “Hey.” He said, surprise evident on his face.

“Hi.” Esposito hesitated. “I know you said we should wait for the weekend, but… I wanted to hang out with my best friend and I sorta got this vibe that you wanted to hang out with me too but wanted to be responsible and go to bed at a reasonable hour instead. And I say to hell with that. This is the first time I’ve seen you in a while, I’d like to hang out outside of work. Is… that okay?”

Ryan gave a small smile, overwhelmed by the feeling of relief and something else he couldn’t pinpoint. Whatever the case, it was harder to swallow the lump in his throat down. Except in this case, he wanted to cry for a different reason.

“Sure.” Ryan said, stepping back to let Esposito in.

Esposito set down the pizza and beer on the coffee table and turned around. “Dude, you’re still in your suit? Do you ever relax? Go put on jeans or something.”

Ryan looked down at his clothes. He hadn’t even thought about changing. Normally, he would have thrown jeans on the second he got home, but this time he wasn’t thinking about self care.

“Right.” He said. “I’ll, uh… be right back.”

Ryan hurried to his room and shut the door leaning back against it. Esposito came. He came to see Ryan because he knew Ryan needed him. Or at least knew Ryan had lied to him on the phone. Either way, the pressure in his chest began to loosen. Amazing how nothing but the mere presence of his partner made Ryan feel calmer, safer.

He swallowed down the threatening tears and stepped over to his dresser, pulling out a pair of gray sweatpants and an old t shirt, taking off his suit and slipping them on quickly. He took a deep breath and stepped out of the bedroom, slumping down next to Esposito who had taken off his coat and already opened a beer for himself and his partner and was eating a slice of pizza.

“Okay, now that you are appropriately dressed, let’s get this party started.” Esposito said through a mouthful of pizza.

“You seem to have started without me.” Ryan said, smiling. He reached over and grabbed a slice, suddenly feeling very hungry, the knot in his stomach no longer calling the shots and, clearly, shrinking.

“It’s late, I’m hungry, deal.” Esposito said, taking another bite and then raising the beer bottle to his lips.

“Are we supposed to be drinking?”

“So long as we’re not too hungover to work tomorrow, a beer or two won’t hurt.” Esposito grabbed the video game controller and started everything up. “Besides, Irish, you could probably down the whole six pack and be fine.”

Ryan nodded. “That’s true.”

Esposito handed him a controller. “Ready yourself, Detective, because I’m about to wipe the floor with you.”

“Only if I don’t do it to you first.” Ryan said, taking the controller and scooting forward to be in proper gaming position.

They played for hours, joking and teasing and, though Ryan knew it wasn’t exactly the same, he felt more like himself than he had in weeks.

“Ha! Suck it, Esposito!” Ryan said, winning for the third time.

“You are not going to let me live this down, are you?”

“No,” Ryan said. “No I’m not.”

“What are you doing?” Esposito asked, watching Ryan pick up his phone.

“Texting Castle.” Ryan said, not looking up. “He’ll have this all over the precinct by morning.”

Esposito made an attempt to grab the phone but Ryan held it aloft.

“Oh come on!” Esposito complained. “You’re one thing, but Castle is merciless.”

“It makes the victory sweeter.” Ryan said.

Esposito made to grab the phone again, but Ryan held it out of his reach, leaning toward the arm of the couch. Esposito moved forward and began backing Ryan up against the arm, still trying to get the phone but having little success as Ryan continued to keep it away from him.

“Give me the phone, Kevin.” Esposito said, advancing.

“No.” Ryan said, smiling and backing up until there was no more couch.

“Come on, give me the phone.”

“No.” Ryan held it close to his chest, defiant.

Esposito grabbed Ryan’s hands as they gripped the phone and tried to pry it loose.

“Stop.” Ryan said, laughing as he tried to keep his grip on the phone.

Esposito looked up, his face very close to his partner’s and stopped, the realization of how close they were breaking the spell. He let go of Ryan’s hands and backed away a bit.

“Fine.” He said, still trying to keep the light air about them. “But at least don’t make me sound so pathetic. Tell him I at least won once.”

But Ryan had no desire to text Castle anymore. He didn’t really have much of a desire to tease his partner at all. The only thing he could think was he wanted to be that close to his partner again. And that maybe he’d done something wrong.

Esposito looked down at the clock on his own phone. “It’s getting late.” He said softly.

“Oh.” Ryan said, moving to sit on the couch normally. “I guess that means you have to go?” The fear that had been stamped down began to rise again at the thought of Esposito leaving.

Esposito looked over at his partner, studying his face for a second. He shrugged slightly. “Unless you wanted me to stay. I mean, I’ve camped out on this couch more than once.”

“You shouldn’t screw up your back on the couch.” Ryan said. “If you want to go home and sleep in your own bed, I get it.” He tried to smile, but it came out strained.

“It’s a comfortable couch.” Esposito shrugged.

“I found it on the street.”

Esposito rolled his eyes. “You trying to get rid of me?”

“No.” Ryan said immediately. “I just don’t want to inconvenience you.”

“Tell you what.” Esposito said. “We’ll put on a movie and, once it’s over, if I feel awake enough to drive, I’ll go home. If not, I’ll crash here. Deal?”

Ryan gave a slight smile. “Okay.” He said.

They had a harder time deciding on a movie, both making excellent cases for the one they picked. In the end, they watched both. Well, one and a half. About halfway through the second movie, Ryan felt himself nodding off and the next thing he knew he was… swimming?

He was in a lake, a beautiful lake with the sun hitting the water and making it sparkle. He was treading water and, as he looked down, he noticed he was also wearing a suit. Before he could dwell on the fact that the water was definitely going to ruin his suit, he noticed Esposito standing over on the other side of the lake, holding out his hand and saying something Ryan couldn’t quite make out. As he opened his mouth to ask him to repeat what he’d said, something gripped his leg. He immediately panicked, trying to kick whatever it was away. It felt like a human hand holding onto his ankle, but before he could wonder who was down there holding onto him, they pulled him under.

He felt whoever it was grip him around the chest and pull him deeper. He thrashed and kicked but to no avail, the lake around him getting darker. He couldn’t breathe or see anything. He wondered briefly if Esposito had seen him get pulled down and if he was going to save him, but he decided he didn’t want Esposito to risk it and get himself hurt.

It was getting darker and harder to hold his breath. He was going to die down here, die at the hands of whoever was pulling him down, and he was never going to see Esposito again…

Ryan gasped and sat up, startling Esposito into consciousness as well. They’d somehow both ended up horizontal on the couch, Ryan feeling the cold absence of arms around him that had disappeared once he sat up, arms that had been holding him around the middle…

But he couldn’t think about that. The only thing he could focus on was breathing the sweet oxygen into his deprived lungs, lungs that had only been deprived of air because he’d been trying so hard to hold his breath.

He vaguely noticed Esposito was now standing and had put a hand on his back the way he’d done in the morgue. He looked over at his partner whose face was full of concern and immediately stood, backing away slightly.

“Kevin?” Esposito asked carefully.

There were too many things happening, too many questions Esposito was going to ask that Ryan couldn’t answer. So, instead, he dashed to the bathroom, closing it and locking it behind him.

The second he was alone, he put a hand to his mouth and doubled over, trying not to start sobbing as tears leaked out of his eyes.

“Kevin!” Esposito called through the door. “Kevin, what happened?”

It took a second for Ryan to find his voice. “Um…” He cleared his throat. “I… nothing. Just a… bad dream.”

“Kevin, come out of the bathroom. Talk to me.”

“I-I’m okay.” Ryan really wished his voice would remain level so Esposito would be convinced. “I just… need to take a shower and I’ll be fine. Y-you should go home and get ready for work.”

“I can go like this.” Esposito said, his voice stony.

“You’ll get in trouble.” Ryan replied.

“I don’t care.”

“Javi,” Ryan said softly. “Please.” He didn’t expect his voice to crack and he didn’t want it to, but apparently it had the effect he wanted because Esposito conceded.

“Am I going to see you at work?” He asked.

“Of course.” Ryan said, feeling relieved that Esposito was leaving.

“Okay.” Was all Esposito said before Ryan heard him rustling around grabbing his things and then the sound of the door shutting as he left.

~.~.~

“Esposito,” Beckett said, glaring at him from her doorway, her hair mussed from sleep. “You better have a good reason for pounding on my door at six o’clock in the morning.”

“I just came from Ryan’s apartment.” Esposito said, slightly out of breath as he’d sort of run up there.

“And?” She was clearly not going to let him in until he had a good enough reason for waking her up.

“I slept over on his couch.”

“You do that all the time.”

“He slept with me.”

Beckett’s eyebrows shot up. “And we have a good enough reason. Come in.” She stepped back and let him into her apartment, shutting the door behind him and then shuffling to the kitchen to start some coffee. “I need the details, Espo.” She said. “What happened?”

Esposito sat down at her kitchen table and ran a hand through his short curls. “When I left the office yesterday, he seemed… off. I don’t know. I guess it just seemed like he didn’t want to go home. And I thought maybe he wanted company, so I called him and asked if he wanted to hang out like we used to and he told me that we should just make a plan for the weekend instead, but I could tell by his voice that he was lying so I went over there anyway.”

Beckett had folded her arms and was leaning against the counter as she waited for the coffee.

Esposito took a breath. “So I get there and he looks so… relieved. He looked genuinely happy that I didn’t listen to him and came over anyway, so I figured I’d made the right choice. We ended up playing video games and watching a couple movies. I look over and Ryan’s almost dead asleep. Like, he’s completely out and he starts sort of falling toward me so… so I let him. He fell asleep completely with his head on my shoulder and my arm around him and why are you looking at me like that?”

Beckett was trying to hide her smile, but it was completely impossible. “That’s about the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Esposito rolled his eyes. “Can I finish my story?”

“Proceed.”

“I hadn’t planned to fall asleep. In fact, I was going to wake Ryan up when the movie was over and tell him to go to bed and then I was gonna go home. But I didn’t last much longer than Ryan did. Stop laughing!”

Beckett had put a hand to her mouth. “I’m not laughing!” She protested, turning around to grab two mugs out of the cupboard. “I’m imagining the two of you asleep on Ryan’s couch and I thought Ryan asleep on your shoulder was the cutest thing, but the both of you asleep together is cuter.” She poured the coffee in the cups.

“Okay, well, this next part isn’t so cute.”

Beckett set Esposito’s mug in front of him and then sat down opposite him. “What happened?”

“We fell asleep and then… the next thing I know, Ryan shoots up and starts hyperventilating, grabbing onto his chest and looking like he just narrowly escaped death. And then he notices me standing there and runs to the bathroom. I tried to get him to come out, but he wouldn’t. I could hear him crying in there, but he didn’t want to talk or anything. He told me to go home.”

“Wow.” Beckett said, all traces of a smile gone.

“It was bad, Kate.” Esposito said, looking down into his mug. “He was so scared. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look that scared.”

Beckett hesitated. “I don’t even know what to say. What do we do?”

Esposito shrugged. “I can’t just ignore it, especially not now. His first day back and it’s already given him two panic attacks. Well, two that we know of.”

“He needs to see someone.”

“I know.”

“How do we get him to agree?”

“That I don’t know.” Esposito sighed. “Maybe we can talk to Montgomery. He’s really the only one who can make him see Dr. Burke, or whoever is available.”

“You should talk to him first.”

“Why me?”

Beckett raised an eyebrow. “Because you’re the one who slept with him.”

“I didn’t sleep with him.” Esposito protested.

“The two of you were asleep together.” Beckett clarified. “The point is he trusts you the most and I think the suggestion coming from you will be better instead of just going to Montgomery without telling him. This way gives him a chance to agree to it so it doesn’t feel like we’re forcing him.”

“And when am I supposed to do this? We have a case we’re working on.”

“As soon as possible.” Beckett said. “When he comes in to work today, take him aside and talk to him about it. I’ll cover for you, give you about five or ten minutes. If he doesn’t agree, we go to Montgomery.”

Esposito continued to stare down into his cup. “Why do I feel like shit?”

Beckett gave a slight shrug. “Because you know giving him an ultimatum will make him mad. But it’s for his own good, Espo. It hasn’t even been a full day and he’s spiraling fast. We need to take care of this before it gets any worse. You and I both know how bad it can get.”

Esposito looked up at her and nodded.

“Why don’t you go home and get dressed for work and I’ll meet you there. We can take care of the Ryan situation and then get back to work on the case. There’s a good chance we could solve it today, provided we’re right and the boyfriend did it.”

Esposito nodded again.

“He’ll be okay, Espo. We’ll make sure of it.”

~.~.~

Ryan took a deep breath before entering the precinct. He hadn’t wanted to go. In fact, he wanted to call in sick. But he’d been out sick for weeks and, so far, calling in mentally ill wasn’t a thing as far as Ryan was aware.

The biggest reason he didn’t want to go in to work was that Esposito was going to be there and he was going to want to talk. Of all the things Ryan didn’t want to do, it was talk about his psychotic episode, if that’s what it was. Bottom line, he just wanted to forget it ever happened. He especially wanted Esposito to forget it ever happened.

When the elevator opened, none of his teammates were anywhere to be seen. It wasn’t so strange. Ryan was early. Though, it was hard not to be when you woke up at five-thirty in the morning in a cold sweat and had nothing to do with your time besides get ready for work.

He stepped over to his desk and started his computer, pulling his things out of his bag and getting everything started up so they could continue with the case. Hopefully close it.

He hadn’t been there for long when Beckett showed up, setting her things at her desk and taking a drink of the coffee she’d picked up on her way. Considering the fact that she picked up coffee on her way, Castle brought her coffee, and she had multiple cups throughout the day, Ryan was surprised she was still alive. Surely her heart had to go double the speed of a normal human’s. Ryan himself had given up caffeine for a while. It made him way too jittery.

“Morning, Ryan.” Beckett said absently.

“Morning.” Ryan said, giving her a small smile before going back to his computer.

“So, I figure we should wait a bit to go down to the college.” She said, stepping over to him. “Just because college boys won’t be too cooperative early in the morning. In the meantime I’m hoping Lanie can pinpoint who owns the skin cells under the girl’s nails. We should also run a background check on the boyfriend.”

“I’ll get right on that.” Ryan replied, typing something into his computer.

Beckett made no comment on the fact that Ryan was really eager to get to work so soon after arriving, but she stored that fact back in her mind as part of the odd behavior Esposito had noticed the day before.

She stepped back over to her desk and sat, booting up her computer and then taking a minute to enjoy her coffee.

Castle showed up only minutes later and immediately started in on flirting with her, which Ryan was happy to be left out of, opting to stay focused on the task at hand instead of having to make conversation.

It was almost twenty minutes later that Esposito finally showed up, getting a look from Montgomery but nothing more. Beckett and Castle greeted him and then he made his way over to Ryan, not even bothering to put his things down at his desk.

“Can I talk to you?”

Ryan looked up at him and then at everyone looking at them. “I don’t know if now is the time.” He said softly.

“Now is the only time.” Esposito said. “Please, Ryan? Ten minutes.”

Ryan couldn’t seem to find his voice.

“We have time before we have to go pick up the boyfriend.” Beckett said.

Ryan looked over at her. It wasn’t her fault, she was only stating facts, but she’d just sealed his fate and it made him angry at the lack of control he seemed to be having in his life.

“Okay.” He said, standing.

Esposito set down his things and led the way to an empty interrogation room, closing the door once Ryan entered.

“Interesting choice in location.” Ryan commented, folding his arms and turning to look at Esposito. “Am I being interrogated?”

Esposito paused, trying to gather his thoughts. “I got here seconds after you did. I’ve been sitting in my car trying to come up with the right thing to say to you.”

Ryan remained quiet.

“Ryan, what happened this morning-”

“Javi, I’m fine.”

“No, that’s just the thing.” Esposito said, a little louder than he’d wanted. “You’re not fine. What happened this morning is the very definition of not fine.”

“Okay, so I’m having nightmares, so what?” Ryan shrugged. “I’m handling it.”

“That was handling it?” Esposito said, still trying to keep his voice from rising as he knew anger would get them nowhere. “Running away from me and crying in the bathroom is not handling it, Kevin. Lying to me and pretending like this case doesn’t have an effect on you is not handling it. It’s affecting me and I’m not even the one who almost died.”

Ryan sighed and ran a hand over his face. “Just because I don’t handle it the way you think I should doesn’t mean I’m handling it the wrong way.”

“You think holding in all that fear and anger is the best way to handle your situation?”

“I’m not afraid.” Ryan said, not looking at his partner.

Esposito paused, trying to find any way to get through to him. “Well, it’s not a bad thing if you are.” He said softly.

Ryan looked up.

Esposito shrugged. “I’m afraid. A lot. Especially when I got back from the service. I had nightmares and panic attacks, the whole thing. The only reason I’m able to mostly function now is because I went looking for some help because shit like this really fucks you up. Being afraid all the time sucks, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Least of all you. And it… well, it breaks my heart to see you have to go through it.”

Ryan looked away, trying to stave off the tears. “Look I… I know you’re worried about me. But I’m fine.”

“No.” Esposito said, closing the gap between them and putting his hands on Ryan’s shoulders. When Ryan wouldn’t look up, Esposito gently placed his hand on Ryan’s cheek to make him look up at him. “No, you’re not. I can see it. Every time I look at you, I remember what I went through. It’s okay to not be fine, Ryan. It’s okay to get help.”

There was a knock and Esposito immediately let go of Ryan and stepped back, turning to see who it was.

“Beckett sent me.” Castle said, poking his head in the door. “She said she found the past record of the boyfriend and she wants to go find him as soon as possible in case he’s planning to make a run for it. Apparently he’s not a model citizen.”

“Okay, we’ll be right there.” Esposito said.

Castle shut the door and Esposito turned back to his partner.

“I guess we should…” Ryan gestured to the door.

“We’re not done talking about this.” Esposito said.

Ryan sighed. “Well, we’ll have to wait. We can talk when the case is solved.”

“But will we though?” Esposito’s voice was soft.

Ryan hesitated before giving a short nod.

“I’m holding you to it.” Esposito said. He opened the door and led the way out.

They stepped back over to their desks where Beckett was putting on her coat, Castle following suit.

“Kid’s got a ton of DWIs and he was in Juvie back in High School for drugs.” Beckett said. “He hasn’t had any problems for about three years, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he hasn’t done anything since. The college is kind of a ways out there, but I still think we should all go. He’s just a college boy, so we probably won’t have to worry about backup, but if he runs, I’ll need more than Castle with me. No offense, Castle.”

Castle pouted.

Beckett shrugged with a slightly apologetic look. “Let’s go.”

They walked out to their respective cars, Beckett letting Castle in her’s and telling the boys they’d meet them there. As Ryan and Esposito sat in their own car, neither of them looked at each other. They silently fastened their seatbelts and Esposito pulled the car out of the lot without a word.

The drive was equally silent, save for the low sound of the radio. Esposito kept it low in case Ryan felt like he wanted to talk, but he never made a single sound. He didn’t even look at Esposito. He spent the entire car ride staring out the window.

What Esposito wouldn’t give to know what it was he was thinking.

It was possibly the most uncomfortable car ride either of them had the misfortune to endure, but thankfully all things must come to an end. They pulled up into a parking space next to Beckett and Castle and all but shot out of the car in their haste to get out.

“Okay, I called ahead and got his dorm room.” Beckett said, leading the way. “If he’s not there, we’ll have to get his class schedule and find him that way, though anyone with a class before noon hates themselves.”

Ryan chuckled slightly and Esposito smiled over at him. He didn’t catch his eye, but it was nice to know he could still laugh at the small things.

Beckett stopped in front of the door and knocked on it. She waited a good few seconds before knocking again. It wasn’t until she knocked a third time that the door opened revealing a shirtless college boy, his hair ruffled and his eyes bloodshot.

“Do you have to knock so loud?” He said softly.

“Hector Valdez?” Beckett asked.

It seemed to take the boy a long time to process words, but he eventually spoke. “Oh. No. That’s my uptight roommate.”

“Is he here?”

The kid took another pause before turning to look back in his room. “I don’t think so.” He said. He looked back at Beckett.

“Is he in class?” She asked.

Another long pause. “I don’t think so. He doesn’t have class this early I think.”

“Do you know where we could find him?” Beckett was being way more patient than any of her partners would have been.

“Probably down by the pool.” The kid said. “Dude’s like a fuckin’ fish. He wants to be captain of the team and I guess he thinks swimming every day at the ass crack of dawn is the way to do it.”

“Can you tell us where the pool is?” Beckett prodded.

“Ground floor of this building.” The kid replied. “Hector wanted to be as close to the pool as possible, so he moved in with me.” It was then that the kid finally took in the fact that they were cops, noticing Esposito’s badge around his neck. “Woah, is Hector in some kind of trouble?”

“We don’t know yet.” Beckett said. “Thank you.” She turned and left, the rest of her team following. They heard the kid shut the door as they left.

“You think Hector’s roommate partied a little too much last night?” Castle said as they made their way down to the pool.

“So, the kid gave up drugs and drinking to become a swimmer?” Esposito asked.

Beckett shrugged. “Maybe he’s trying to look as much like a model citizen as he can. Probably so Quinn’s dad would let her marry him. I wouldn’t be surprised if neither of her parents know about Hector’s past.”

When they opened the glass doors to the pool area, there was no one there, though the pool had ripples in it suggesting someone was there recently.

“Check the locker room.” Beckett said, leading the way.

As they got closer, they heard yelling.

“Come on, Alex, what are you doing?”

“She always said you were the best boyfriend ever, but she didn’t know the real you that I know!”

The detectives exchanged looks.

“Alex.” Hector’s voice sounded shaky. “Where is she? Where’s Quinn?”

“Where she belongs.” Alex replied. “Where you both belong!”

That was enough for the detectives. They pulled out their guns and ran into the locker room, taking in the scene of Alex pointing a gun at Hector who had clearly just got out of the pool and hadn’t even dried off yet.

“NYPD, drop the gun now!” Beckett yelled.

Alex snapped his head to the side and then a split second later bolted through the opposite door that led to the pool.

Ryan, being closest to the door they’d come through, ran back out while the others ran forward. He spotted Alex sprinting out of the locker room, his partners at his heels, and ran after him.

“Stop!” Ryan yelled, but it did nothing. Instead, Alex picked up speed.

Ryan growled in frustration as he realized what he was going to have to do. He put his gun back in his holster and surged forward. He jumped a little to give him that extra momentum and was able to grip Alex around the shoulders and pull him directly into the pool.

The splash of water hitting his face stopped him cold and as he was fully submerged, he could no longer think.

Ryan being distracted gave Alex the upper hand and he wriggled out of Ryan’s arms and pushed away from him, kicking him directly in the stomach in order to push off. The kick successfully emptied Ryan’s lungs of all air and he was suddenly in full on panic mode, not even aware that Alex was getting away.

Before he could fully register how easy it would be to just get out of the pool, he felt arms around him pulling him up.

That first breath as he broke the surface was long and deep, but every breath after was short and he could feel himself hyperventilating.

“Hey, hey.” He could feel Esposito put his hands on either side of his head and a second later all he could see was Esposito’s eyes, looking into his. “Come on, Ryan, just breathe. Focus on me. There’s no else here, just you and me, come on.”

Ryan hadn’t realized, but he was gripping the front of Esposito’s shirt so hard his knuckles were white. He kept his eyes on his partner’s, following him as he breathed, his heart rate slowly going back to normal.

“That’s it.” The corners of Esposito’s mouth turned up ever so slightly. “Follow my breathing. You’re fine. You’re okay.”

Ryan couldn’t tell if he was crying or if his face was just very wet, but he didn’t care. All he could focus on was Esposito and the sweet oxygen coming more easily into his lungs.

After a while, Esposito let go of Ryan’s head and put his hands on his shoulders instead.

“Are you okay?”

Ryan didn’t trust himself to speak, so instead he nodded.

“Let’s get you out of here.”

Esposito had already moved them to a shallower end of the pool, so all that was left was climbing the ladder. Castle was waiting at the edge to pull Ryan up and out and Esposito was following close behind. Further off, Beckett was handcuffing Alex and Hector was standing off to the side looking afraid and confused.

“Well.” Ryan said as Castle wrapped him up in a towel and handed Esposito one as well. “I guess we got him.”

“No, Kevin.” Esposito said, clapping him on the shoulder. “ You got him.”

~.~.~

“So,” Montgomery said, shutting the door behind them as they all entered his office. “Not the boy we were expecting.”

“No.” Beckett said. “We went in expecting to arrest the boyfriend and ended up arresting the best friend instead.”

“So what’s the story?” Montgomery asked, sitting on the edge of his desk.

“Alex isn’t talking.” Esposito said. “But we were able to get some info out of Hector. According to him, Alex had been pining over Quinn for years, always getting in the way of any boyfriend or girlfriend she ever had. Apparently he thought if he waited long enough, she’d fall in love with him and they could be together.”

“He was sick of just being the friend and he would often talk about how he was tired of her crying over jerks. He wanted her to just realize what was in front of her.” Beckett shrugged. “Typical male behavior. No offense.” She added, though she didn’t look even slightly sorry.

“So what happened the night of the murder?” Montgomery asked. “What made him finally snap?”

“I don’t think we’ll be able to fully know what happened.” Beckett said. “But we’ve come up with what we think took place. Quinn left her parents’ house with Hector the night before the murder. They were supposed to have a very romantic date.”

“Hector planned to propose that night and, when he did, she enthusiastically said yes.” Esposito continued the story. “Hector had asked her parents three days previously and they’d given him permission to use her dad’s boat. They spent the night on the boat and the next morning Hector was supposed to have swim practice at the college and Quinn was going to meet him there later. He said when she didn’t show, he texted her and she said she was with Alex.”

“From here it gets harder to figure out what happened.” Beckett said. “Alex isn’t talking and no one saw them, but we can guess that they spent the day talking and she, probably very excitedly, told him about the proposal.”

“But at this point it was serious.” Castle chimed in. “Alex knew it would be harder to break them up if they were married, so he told her his feelings and it turned into an argument and the argument turned into murder.”

“We’re guessing their argument is what Miss Pierce heard.” Beckett added. “And we think Alex took her ring because we didn’t find it on her.”

“And why didn’t Hector come looking for her when she never showed up?”

“He got a text from her phone that said she was spending the night at her parents’ house.” Beckett replied. “He said the text didn’t sound like her, which makes us think Alex is the one who texted from her phone to keep Hector away. The next morning he tried to call her and got no answer, so he called her parents and asked if she’d left yet. They said they didn’t know she was there, but told him she must have come in without telling them and hung up before finding out she wasn’t there, making it so Hector had no idea she was missing. They then filed the missing persons report. After finding out she’d been murdered and knowing that Hector was the last one with her, they probably just didn’t want to talk to him about it in case it was him. Or they were just too distracted to think. Either way, Hector said he didn’t even know anything was wrong. Later, he got a text from her phone again saying she needed space. Again, we think Alex was the one texting.”

“The next morning Hector went to go do laps at the pool and Alex met up with him in the locker room ready to kill him too, which is when we showed up.” Esposito said. “The kid tried to run and Ryan tackled him into the pool and I went after both of them.”

Montgomery nodded. “And do we have concrete evidence to link him to the murder, or is this all just speculation?”

“We’re working on searching his room.” Beckett said. “Hopefully we’ll find the ring and her phone there. Other than that, we have the skin cells that were found under the victim’s nails that we can match to Alex. Above all, we at least have the attempted murder of Hector Valdez to charge him with. If the evidence we’ve already collected isn’t enough, we can try to get a confession out of him to convict him of Quinn’s murder. He probably thinks we already have him, so he may cave easily.”

“Well then, I’ll let you interrogate him.” Montgomery said, standing. “Good work, detectives.”

As they began to file out of his office, Montgomery stopped Ryan before he could leave.

“Detective Ryan, would you mind waiting for a minute? I’d like a word.”

Ryan looked back at his partners who looked slightly confused and then back at his captain, nodding.

“Close the door, please?”

Ryan did as he asked and stepped back over to Montgomery’s desk while Montgomery stepped around it and sat in his chair.

“Have a seat, Ryan.”

Again, Ryan did as he said, slowly sitting down in one of the chairs.

Montgomery paused. “I’ve been noticing some things since you’ve been back.” He said carefully. “You’ve only been back a couple of days, but I think that more than anything proves it.”

“Proves what, sir?” Ryan asked softly.

“Proves that you’re not ready to be back.”

“Sir-”

“Ryan,” Montgomery held up a hand to stop his protests. “When I interviewed you right after the incident, you seemed fine. At the time, I didn’t think you were going to have any psychological trauma and therefore signed off on you not having to see someone. But then you contracted pneumonia and were out for so long, I couldn’t watch you properly. I didn’t realize how bad it was.”

“It’s really not that bad.” Ryan said. “I mean, I guess I’m not entirely there yet, but I’m not so far gone that I need a therapist or something.”

Montgomery paused again. “Ryan, did I ever tell you about the time I was bashed in the head back when I was where you are now, a detective?”

Ryan shook his head.

“I almost died.” Montgomery said, thinking back. “I hardly remembered it, but then as time went on, I started to get bits and pieces back. The more I thought about it, the more paranoid I became. I had trouble going back to work, I even had trouble leaving the house.”

“Sir, I don’t…”

“The point I’m trying to make, detective, is that everyone in this precinct has gone through this. Every single one. Some have been through worse things than others, but I think almost everyone has gone to our psychologist at one point or another.” He took a breath. “It’s not a shameful thing to seek out help.”

“So, what are you saying?” Ryan asked, staring at the floor and wishing he would just get to the point instead of trying to teach him a life lesson.

“Well, to be frank, you can either go freely or I can make it mandatory.” Montgomery said. “Either way, I’m also going to be keeping you out of the field, just until the doctor thinks you’re ready. You can work from your desk and help your partners with cases, but I don’t want you to leave the precinct for a while until you can.”

Ryan said nothing.

“I’m sorry.” Montgomery said, causing Ryan to look up. “I know on top of everything it feels like I’m punishing you, but my decision is mostly to help you. It’s also to help your partners. Having you out in the field with them with the mental state you are in could endanger them. But remember that it’s only temporary.”

Ryan took a minute before saying anything. “Is there… anything else you needed me for?”

“No.” Montgomery said softly. “You can go.”

Ryan stood and stepped over to the door.

“Oh, Ryan, there is one more thing, actually.” Montgomery said, stopping him. “I just want you to know that you and Esposito have my permission.”

Ryan looked back at him and raised an eyebrow. “Permission?” He asked.

“When you figure it out, remember that.” Montgomery gave a smile and then went back to some paperwork on his desk.

Ryan stood there for probably longer than was necessary trying to work out what the hell that meant before stepping out of the office. He moved over to his desk and began putting things in his bag.

“Hey,” Esposito said, stepping up to him. “You okay?” His demeanor changed from happy to concerned.

“Yeah.” Ryan said softly. “I’m just, uh… gonna go home.”

“Oh. Okay.” Esposito said softly.

“Um, what’s going on in interrogation?” Ryan asked as he shoved the last of his things in his bag and zipped it up.

“Oh, he’s totally caving. Beckett and Castle have successfully scared the shit out of him.”

“Good.” Ryan said with a small smile. “Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow. I’d stay and help with the paperwork, but I’m just really tired. You guys can leave me some and I’ll get it done tomorrow, if that’s okay.”

“Yeah, that’s fine. You sure you’re okay?” Esposito asked.

“Yeah, I just need like a nap or something.” Ryan put on his coat. “I’ll see you later.”

“Hey, wait a minute.” Esposito said, gripping Ryan’s upper arm to keep him from going any further. “What happened with Montgomery?”

Ryan already felt on the verge of crying, though it wasn’t like that was an uncommon emotion lately, and knew he couldn’t talk about it just then without turning into a sobbing mess. “Talk to Montgomery.” He said softly. “Tell him I said he can tell you everything.” He shrugged off Esposito and headed to the elevator.

Esposito watched him go with a heavy weight on his shoulders.

“Esposito.” Montgomery said sternly.

Esposito turned confused eyes to his boss.

“Go after him, will you?”

Esposito hesitated.

“Now, please.” Montgomery said. “I’ll let Beckett know where you are.”

Esposito slowly grabbed his coat and then hurried to the elevator, still not entirely sure what it was he was supposed to do. But as the elevator descended, he decided it didn’t matter. Ryan was feeling down and could use a friend.

As the elevator hit the lobby and the doors opened, Esposito spotted Ryan just barely leaving the building. He sprinted out of the elevator and to the doors, bursting through them.

“Ryan!” He called.

Ryan stopped and turned, evidence of the first few tears he hadn’t been able to hold in on his face.

“Javi…” Ryan said softly.

“Look, you don’t have to say anything.” Esposito said quickly. “If you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to. I get it, I do.” He took a step forward. “But, Kevin, you don’t have to hide it from me either. You don’t have to pretend. Pretending only hurts you more, and I can’t stand watching that anymore.”

Ryan’s lip quivered slightly and he looked away.

“I probably wouldn’t be any good at talking you through your problems anyway.” He shrugged. “But what I can do is just be there. If you’re having a rough day and you just want to hang out for a while, we can do that. If you want to talk, we can do that too. It doesn’t matter. I want to be there for you.”

Ryan looked back up, a couple tears making their way down his cheeks. “But…” He said softly. “I’m…”

“You’re what?” Esposito asked, taking another step.

“Broken.”

The word was barely a whisper, but Esposito knew exactly what he’d said and the word hit hard. Esposito had felt the exact same only years ago.

“Me too.” He said softly.

Ryan blinked, letting a few more tears fall before dropping his bag and practically running to his partner, pulling him close and burying his face in his neck.

Esposito held onto him tight, one hand in his hair and the other around his waist.

And Ryan cried, letting everything out and soaking Esposito’s shoulder. He cried about everything, the loneliness, the fear, it all came out in a wave of tears he was powerless to stop.

Esposito said nothing. He just held fast to his partner and was more than happy to be his literal shoulder to cry on.

~.~.~

Ryan had only been home for a few minutes when he heard a knock at the door. He padded over to the door and opened it upon realizing it was his partner on the other side.

“Hey.” Esposito said when he saw Ryan, a slight smile on his face.

“Hey.” Ryan said. “What’s going on?”

Esposito shrugged. “I knew today was your first therapy session and… I just wanted to see how it went.”

Ryan’s face fell slightly at the mention of therapy. He stepped back to allow Esposito to enter his apartment. “It was… interesting.”

“Yeah?” Esposito asked, taking a seat on the couch after Ryan had already sat down.

Ryan shrugged. “Well, he said therapy was going to kind of be like cleaning out an infected wound.” He said. “You have to get all the crap out and make yourself bleed before you can heal.” He sighed. “And then he just… started cleaning. And now I’m tired as hell and I think I feel worse.”

“See, I kind of figured that would happen.” Esposito said.

“You did?”

“Hey, I went through this too. It sucks, but it’ll help once it’s all over.” Esposito replied. “Anyway, I assumed you were going to be too tired to do much tonight, but I thought maybe we could order pizza and hang out. We don’t have to talk or anything, but I know how much it sucks after a hard session.”

“Yeah, okay.” Ryan smiled. “I’d like that.”

Esposito took care of ordering and Ryan picked out something to watch and once everything was set, they sat in silence that slowly became more awkward as time wore on.

After a minute, Ryan turned to Esposito. “So, we never talked after…”

Esposito looked over at him. “Look, man, you’ve been through a lot today, if you don’t want to talk about the dream…”

“I’m not talking about the dream.” Ryan said. “I’m talking about… Well, I’m talking about before the dream. About you and me and where we were… before I ran to the bathroom.”

“Oh.” Esposito said, instantly turning red.

“But if you don’t want to talk about it, I understand.” Ryan added quickly.

“No, no, I want to. And we probably should anyway.”

Silence.

“Well, I guess first of all, what… do you think?” Ryan asked slowly.

“I… I didn’t hate it.” Esposito replied.

Ryan didn’t exactly know how to take that. “Okay.” He said. “Good.”

The doorbell rang.

“I got it.” Esposito said, shooting off the couch and practically sprinting to the door to accept the pizza. When he’d paid the kid and turned with the pizza in hand, he saw Ryan standing, playing with a bit of skin on his thumb and looking incredibly nervous.

Ryan hesitated, not sure how to go about saying what he needed to. “I found myself talking a lot about you today.” He said, taking a step forward. “Every time anything would come up, you ended up in the conversation. And… I think I realized something.”

Esposito had set the pizza down on the counter and was now listening intently.

It took Ryan a long time to finally say anything, the fear of what it would do to their friendship daunting on him. “I realized that… I feel safer… with you.” He wouldn’t look at Esposito at all as he said this. “I don’t feel so… afraid.”

“Kevin?” Esposito said, forcing his partner to turn fearful eyes to him. “I think… I think we’re on the same page, we’re just too afraid to say so on the off chance that we’re not.”

Ryan said nothing, hoping that Esposito was just going to take it from here.

Esposito could sense Ryan wanted him to take the reigns and he suddenly felt very anxious, but he decided that Ryan had been through enough without having to do this too. “You feel safer around me.” He said. “And it helps that we’re best friends because it means we’re around each other all the time and I can always be there for you. And I want to always be there for you. And I think it’s because I…” His voice faltered and he realized he couldn’t get the words out.

He knew he loved Ryan, he’d known that fact for years, but was it too early to say it? They’d known each other for a long time, but this was not something they’d talked about ever. And at this point Ryan could just be attracted to him and not in love with him the way Esposito was…

It was then that Esposito realized he’d been silent for a long time, his mind going through every scenario were he to say what he’d wanted.

Ryan saw him struggling and stepped forward, getting closer than he would if they were just friends. His face was curious, as if testing the water. When Esposito not only didn’t back away, but leaned closer, Ryan decided he’d made the right choice.

“Javi?” He said softly.

Esposito seemed to have lost his voice.

Ryan gave a slight shrug. “Me too.”

Esposito pulled Ryan to him then and kissed him hard. Ryan gripped the front of his shirt and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. He felt Esposito’s hands move to wrap around his waist and he in turn moved his hands up and around to wrap his arms around Esposito’s neck, getting about as close as was humanly possible.

When they broke apart, Esposito pulled back to look directly in Ryan’s eyes. “I need you to know something.”

Ryan looked scared for a second, but decided that since Esposito’s hands hadn’t moved from his waist, he wasn’t about to tell Ryan it couldn’t work. And this relationship working was the only thing Ryan currently cared about, so he let that particular fear go.

“The other day, when you said you were broken,” Esposito started.

Ryan’s face fell.

“You’re not.” Esposito said firmly. “Kevin, you’re not broken. All the panic attacks and the dreams don’t mean you’re broken. In fact, I think that’s a perfectly logical reaction.” He pulled back to put a hand on Ryan’s face. “Lockwood did not break you. And as long as I live, I’m not going to let you think he did.”

Ryan suddenly felt like crying again, but instead of doing so, he lowered his head to Esposito’s shoulder and clung to him, hoping the hug was a sufficient thank you as he didn’t trust himself to speak.

Esposito held onto him tightly, kissing the top of his head and then resting his cheek where he’d kissed him. “This is going to sound sappy.” He warned in a whisper. “But what do you say we snuggle on the couch and watch a movie?”

Ryan snorted and pulled away to smile at him. “Okay.” He said.

Esposito reached down to grasp his hand and led him to the couch. He sat down and Ryan sat next to him, snuggling as close as he could.

As Esposito started a movie, he looked over at Ryan. “I forgot the pizza on the counter.”

“Too late.” Ryan said, resting his head on his shoulder. “I’m already comfortable.”

Esposito chuckled. “Well at some point you’ll be hungry and I’ll have to get up and get it anyway.”

“We’ll deal with that when we come to it.”

Esposito snorted and kissed Ryan on the temple. “Whatever you need, Kevin.” He murmured.

~.~.~

Ryan was floating on his back on a lake, the sun hitting his face and sparkling against the water. He was confused for a second until he remembered what usually happened when he was in this particular lake. He immediately shifted so he was upright in the water instead of on his back.

Any second now he was going to be pulled under and have to fight for his life again. He looked around, trying to see beneath the surface of the water and hoping he could catch a glimpse of whoever it was that was trying to drown him. But instead, he heard a voice.

“Kevin.”

He looked to his left and saw Esposito standing at the edge of the water, holding his hand out.

“Come out of the water, Kev, we’ll be late.”

Ryan kicked over to him, not sure what they were going to be late for, but not caring in the least.

He reached up and Esposito gripped his arm, pulling him out of the water almost effortlessly.

“Let’s get you out of those wet clothes.” Esposito said softly...

In his sleep, Ryan smiled slightly and snuggled closer to the man who was holding him. Esposito looked down and sighed in relief upon seeing the smile, knowing Ryan couldn’t be smiling if he was having a nightmare.

He pulled his partner closer to him and turned the volume on the tv down, just to give Ryan a little bit longer in the nice dream he seemed to be having.

This one night didn’t mark the end of Ryan’s nightmares and panic attacks. Years later he would still wake up in a cold sweat every once in a while, sure he’d just been drowning a second ago. But no matter how many nightmares he had or how many panic attacks he was forced to endure, Esposito was always there to help him through.