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When Kazuma went to drop off a report to Gina Lestrade, he had no idea just what he was in for.
Typically the affair was short, with little speaking from either of them. They were both busy—or least Kazuma was busy—so it made sense to not prolong the task with conversation.
That day, however, when he entered her office, he found her sitting at her desk in deep thought. Already a bad sign.
“Gina?” Kazuma said.
She looked up at him with surprise. “Oh! What’re you doin’ ‘ere, ‘Sogi?”
“I’ve got another report for you,” he said, placing it on her desk. “I’ll see you la—“
“’Old it, ‘Sogi,” Gina interrupted. “Got a question for ya.”
Kazuma had a bad feeling about this. “Yes?”
She frowned in thought, rubbing her chin. “It’s about Zieks.”
Kazuma held back a sigh. One of his least favorite subjects. “What about him?”
She narrowed her eyes, tapping a finger on her chin. “Ya ever see ‘im laugh ?”
Kazuma resisted the urge to place his hand against his face. “What kind of question is that?”
“Well, I was thinkin’,” she said, “and I realized I’ve never seen ‘im laugh. Not once. Wot kinda person never laughs?”
“I’ve never even seen him smile ,” Kazuma replied. “He’s just a miserable man. No need to hurt yourself ruminating over it.”
“Maybe ‘e’s just never ‘eard somethin’ funny enough,” Gina suggested.
“Ah yes,” Kazuma said sarcastically. “That must be it. I’m sure he’s gone without hearing a single funny statement in over ten years.”
“Not wot I mean, ‘Sogi!”
“Gina, he’s just miserable. There’s no reason to think so hard about it.”
She thought a moment longer, then smiled and raised a finger. “Wot if we get ‘im to laugh?”
Kazuma crossed his arms. “Not possible.”
“Come on, ‘Sogi. It’ll be fun!”
“I really don’t think it’s possible, Gina,” Kazuma said firmly.
“That’s ‘cause you lot ‘ate each other!” Gina insisted. “When ‘e sees your mug every day, ‘e probably just thinks about how much ‘e ‘ates you! It’s no wonder ya think it’s impossible!”
Kazuma sighed. “I’ve never even seen him smile! I really don’t think it’s possible to make him laugh .”
Gina shrugged. “Maybe ya just didn’t try ‘ard enough.”
Kazuma considered this for a moment. If it was somehow possible to get van Zieks to laugh, it would require a great effort, and perhaps a great quantity of wine. “All right, let’s make a bet.” He smirked. “Whoever gets him to laugh first is the winner. Whoever wins gets a month of rent paid for by the loser.”
Gina frowned. “That ain’t fair, ‘Sogi. You see ‘im all day!”
“Then how about this,” Kazuma replied. “In two days we have an investigation together. We’ll have until the end of the day to get him to laugh.”
She smiled. “All right. It’s a deal! Ya better get ready to pay up, ‘Sogi!”
Kazuma smirked. If anything, neither of them would win, but the results would be amusing regardless.
Barok wasn’t sure why, but both Asogi and Lestrade both began acting strangely once the investigation started. In fact, they were starting to irritate him more than usual.
When he showed up at the scene with Asogi, Lestrade had begun barraging him with nonsensical stories. The whole time Asogi looked quite smug, much to Barok’s confusion. Then, Lestrade tried tripping Asogi several times, though she was never successful. Asogi responded by pointing out all of Lestrade’s flaws in a most childish way, which only put Barok in a more sour mood.
And finally, just as the investigation was wrapping up and Barok was relieved to get away from them, Lestrade stopped him.
“Oi, Zieks!” she said as he was trying to leave. “Got somethin’ to ask ya!”
Barok turned to her, feeling increasingly annoyed. “Yes?”
“Wot’s the best way of makin’ a coat last?” Lestrade asked.
Barok looked at her with confusion. “Why are you troubling me with such—“
“You make the trousers an’ waistcoat first!” she said proudly.
Barok couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Miss Lestrade—“
“Wait! Wot sort o’ tune do I like most?” she asked.
“Why are you asking—“
“A for-tune, made up o’ bank-notes!” she said with a smile.
Barok couldn’t believe it could get even worse.
Asogi gave her a mocking grin. “Nice try, Gina.”
“You ‘aven’t been doin’ any better, ‘Sogi!” Lestrade replied.
Barok crossed his arms. “Asogi. Miss Lestrade.”
They froze, then turned to him.
“Please cease with your foolishness. All day I’ve had to put up with your childish behavior. I expect better of both of you.”
Asogi sighed. “Sorry. Won’t happen again.”
Lestrade paused in thought, rubbing her chin. Then she looked up with excitement. “Oi, I know! ‘Ow ‘bout we take ya out for a meal? To make up for it an’ all!”
Barok could not think of anything he wanted to do less. “No.”
“’Sogi, say somethin’!” Lestrade said.
Barok turned to leave. Surely Asogi would not agree to such a proposal. He was a practical man, after all, and—
“You really should come with us,” Asogi added. “We’ll be on our best behavior.”
Betrayed by his own apprentice. He turned back around, frowning. “No.”
Lestrade sighed with disappointment. “Fine. ‘Ave it your way.”
Asogi shrugged. “See you tomorrow, then.”
Tomorrow would be too soon. With a sigh, Barok left and headed home.
For the remainder of the evening, Barok was haunted by the events of the day. Why did he of all people have to be the one to put up with Lestrade and Asogi? Why had they been acting so childishly? Were they intentionally trying to irritate him?
He sat in the library at the manor, trying to distract himself with a book and some wine. Neither was working.
Maybe he should have quit prosecuting. Maybe he shouldn’t have listened to Asogi. Maybe he should have retired and left London altogether.
He was almost through his second chalice of wine when he heard someone at the door. He finished off the chalice, then reluctantly stood. He had a feeling he knew who it was, and he felt an intense dread about it.
When he opened the door, his suspicions were confirmed. Lestrade and Asogi stood before him, eyeing him expectantly.
“What are you two doing here?” Barok asked. Did they come just to torment him more? Had they not already tormented him enough that day?
“Didn’t want ya to get lonely,” Lestrade explained. “You were lookin’ all down earlier, so we thought we’d come cheer ya up!”
“It was her idea,” Asogi added.
Barok placed his hands over his face, took in a deep breath, then looked up at them. “Your company is not needed.”
“I told you it wouldn’t work, Gina,” Asogi said.
“At least let us stay a bit!” Lestrade insisted.
Asogi sighed. “Look, we feel bad about upsetting you earlier, so we wanted to apologise.”
Barok blinked at them. That sounded uncharacteristically reasonable. “I appreciate the apology.”
“Then will ya let us in?” Lestrade asked. “Let us chat for a bit?”
Barok hesitated. If they really were intent on apologizing, perhaps it wouldn’t hurt letting them in for a few minutes. At least then he could enjoy the rest of his evening in peace, without dwelling on how terrible his day had been. “Fine. But only for a short while.”
Lestrade smiled, and Asogi looked shocked.
With a sigh, Barok turned around and guided them inside. He led them to the library, then sat, filling his chalice with more wine. Asogi and Lestrade took seats across from him on the sofa.
“Sorry ‘bout earlier,” Lestrade began. “We were just tryin’ to ‘ave a bit o’ fun.”
“We understand that an investigation is not the place for that,” Asogi continued. “So we’re sorry for our behavior.”
Barok nodded. “Thank you. I expect next time you will be better behaved.”
“O’ course!” Lestrade replied. “As much fun as it was tryin’ to knock over ‘Sogi like that, I promise it won’t ‘appen again!”
Asogi crossed his arms, glaring at Lestrade. “You didn’t have to try and trip me like that! That’s how I died once, you know!”
Lestrade’s expression went serious. “You… died?!”
Barok sighed. “Asogi, you didn’t die.”
“Well, I almost died!” Asogi protested. “And I lost my memories for months!”
“Lemme get this straight,” Lestrade said. “You took a bit o’ a tumble, fell on yer ‘ead, an’ almost died?”
Asogi frowned. “Well, yes. Someone shoved me, and then I tripped over a cat.”
Lestrade laughed. “Tripped over a cat ?!”
“I was also shoved from behind!” Asogi clarified.
Lestrade continued laughing. “’Sogi bested by a cat!”
“It’s not funny!” Asogi argued. “I almost died!”
Barok took a sip of wine. “To think a man so adept at defending himself would be defeated by a simple shove.”
“An’ a cat,” Lestrade added.
Asogi crossed his arms. “It’s all in the past. No need to dwell on it.”
“I suppose we should be glad you made it through those hardships,” Barok said.
Asogi stared at him. “Are you implying that you… appreciate me?”
Barok took another sip of wine. “Perhaps I am.”
Before Asogi could respond, Lestrade turned to him.
“‘Sogi! I ‘ave an idea!” Lestrade said excitedly. “Say the thing!”
“Absolutely not,” Asogi replied.
“Say it! Say it!”
“No!”
Barok started to wonder if letting them in was a mistake. “What exactly do you want him to say?”
“It’s nothing,” Asogi said.
Lestrade grinned. “Peter Piper picked—“
“Stop!” Asogi interrupted.
Barok took another sip of wine, then looked at Asogi curiously. “Are you offended by a child’s rhyme?”
“’E can’t say it!” Lestrade said, laughing. “No matter ‘ow ‘ard ‘e tries!”
Asogi frowned. “Are you having fun embarrassing me, Gina?”
In response, Lestrade continued laughing.
“It’s been a while since I’ve heard that rhyme,” Barok said. “Perhaps you can remind us how it goes, Asogi.”
Lestrade laughed even harder.
Asogi crossed his arms. “Not you too!”
“Say it!” Lestrade said between fits of laughter.
Asogi sighed. “Fine. I’ll prove you wrong this time!” He took in a deep breath, his eyes focused on the floor. “Peter… Piker—Pepper Piker—Peter Piper pecked a p-pepper—“
Lestrade burst into laughter. “’E can’t say it!”
“Try again,” Barok said.
“Peter…Piper…” Asogi paused. “P-packed—uh pecked—no, picked a p-p—“ He groaned in frustration. “I can’t say it!”
Perhaps it was because he’d had too much wine, or perhaps it was because he’d lost all his sanity for the day, but at seeing Asogi’s utter failure, Barok couldn’t help but smile.
Lestrade stopped laughing, and together with Asogi, stared at Barok.
“Perhaps you would have better luck with a similar phrase in your mother tongue,” Barok suggested.
Asogi glanced away. “Well, actually… No.”
“Not even in yer own language?” Lestrade asked.
Asogi frowned. “It’s difficult!”
A pounding on the door interrupted the conversation. Barok sighed. Another visitor to bother him. He set down his chalice and stood. “Wait here.”
He moved toward the door, which received another pounding from his new mystery guest. When he opened it, he felt his anger rising.
Sholmes stood before him, grinning. “My dear fellow! How are you this—“
“What do you want?” Barok grumbled.
Sholmes raised a finger. “I have an important clue for your current case. Pray, let me in and we can discuss it.”
Barok sighed, feeling as though he was losing control over his own life. Given the other two were already bothering him, he supposed one more wouldn’t create too much additional chaos. And he could get all the unpleasant discussions over with in a single day, he supposed. “Fine.” He waved for Sholmes to enter.
“Thank you, my friend!” Sholmes replied, following him inside.
Barok led him to the library, where Asogi and Lestrade were whispering to each other.
“Ah, I see you are already entertaining some guests!” Sholmes observed. “I didn’t know you were so sociable, Lord van Zieks!”
Barok frowned as he took his seat.
“Mr Sholmes?” Asogi said, glancing over at him. “What are you doing here?”
“Ah, you see, I have important information about your current case! The very one you did an investigation for earlier today.”
Asogi blinked at him. Lestrade tilted her head in curiosity.
“But now that I find you all gathered here,” Sholmes continued, rubbing his chin, “I can’t help but deduce something else might be going on.”
Barok placed a hand over his face. Not one of his infamous deductions.
Sholmes stepped over toward the sofa where Asogi and Lestrade sat. “Mr Asogi. Miss Lestrade. I believe I know your reason for coming here this evening.”
Lestrade’s eyes widened. Asogi looked at Sholmes with annoyance.
Sholmes smiled, holding up a finger. “You are here for a reason not known by Lord van Zieks. That reason has nothing to do with your current case together.” Sholmes smirked. “The two of you have plotted something against our gracious host.”
Lestrade gasped. “’Ow did ya—“
Asogi narrowed his eyes at Sholmes. “That makes no sense.”
Sholmes laughed. “Oh, but it would seem your fellow conspirator has given you away.”
Asogi crossed his arms. “All right, then. Tell us. What are we plotting?”
Sholmes smiled. “I am glad you asked, my dear fellow! For it is obvious to the master of deduction!”
Barok took a sip of wine. Why did he decide to let Sholmes in?
Sholmes raised a finger. “I cannot blame the two of you for your carefully plotted scheme, for it is something I, too, have wished to try.” He flicked his hat with his finger. “You entered the van Zieks estate for one reason. And that is… to shatter as many hallowed chalices as you can!”
The room went quiet. Asogi looked at Sholmes as though he were the stupidest man alive. Barok joined him.
Sholmes pulled out his pipe, looking satisfied with himself. “I must admit, I envy your attempt! I, too, have wanted so badly to crush a hallowed chalice with my bare hand, just as Lord van Zieks does.”
Lestrade began laughing. “Oi, ‘Sogi,” she said, interrupted by another fit of laughter. “Can ya believe this guy?”
Asogi shook his head. “Mr Sholmes, you are… extremely incorrect.”
Sholmes looked back at Asogi in shock. “I am wrong? Are you not plotting to pilfer several hallowed chalices for the sole reason for crushing them?”
Lestrade laughed again. “’Course not!”
“He keeps some in his office,” Asogi explained. “If we wanted to crush them so badly, we could have just taken them from the office when he wasn’t there.”
Sholmes frowned, glancing down at his hands. “How could I be so wrong?!”
“If you are quite through with your fanciful deduction ,” Barok said, “then can we please move on?”
Sholmes began pacing back and forth next to the two sofas. “If not to pilfer the chalices, then why? What exactly are the two of you plotting?”
Lestrade shook her head. “We just—“
“Wait!” Sholmes said, holding up a hand. “Do not tell me. I am close, I can feel it!”
Sholmes mumbled to himself as he paced. “A bet! There was a bet involved. Specifically—“
“Mr Sholmes,” Barok said, feeling increasingly annoyed. “May we please—“
Sholmes walked into the edge of the sofa, losing his balance. He let out a yell, flapping his arms in the air as he fell forward, falling face first onto the floor.
Barok could only stare as it happened.
“Mr Sholmes?!” Asogi said, standing. “Are you all right?!”
Sholmes slowly got to his knees, then carefully got to his feet, adjusting his hat. “I am fine! Just a minor—“ As he took a step forward, he tripped on the edge of a rug, sending him falling backwards this time. He let out the same pathetic cry as before, once again flapping his arms around wildly as he fell onto his backside.
Barok felt a strange sensation, then. Perhaps he had finally had too much wine, but something about the scene was just so absurd it was almost unbelievable. He felt a smile form on his lips, and then… he laughed .
“I’m all right!” Sholmes declared as he got to his feet once again, but Lestrade and Asogi didn’t seem to even notice. Instead they were staring at Barok.
“’Sogi…” Lestrade said.
“I know!” Asogi replied.
Barok let out a sigh, letting his smile fade. “Mr Sholmes, it seems this deduction has become quite hazardous for you.”
“Wot are we ‘sposed to do, ‘Sogi?” Lestrade asked.
“Well, neither of us won, I guess,” Asogi said.
Sholmes’s face lit up. “Ah-ha! I was right, then! You do have a bet! One that, it seems, is no longer valid.”
Asogi waved a hand dismissively. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
Barok looked between Asogi and Lestrade. “You mean to say that you did have some scheme against me?”
Asogi glanced away. “In a manner of speaking, yes.”
Barok thought back on the day, including the strange and frustrating behavior of both Asogi and Lestrade. He placed a hand over his face. “God help me.”
“Nothin’ mean-spirited!” Lestrade added.
“Gina noticed you never laughed, so we made a bet to see who could get you to laugh first.”
“’Ad til the end of the day to do it,” Lestrade explained. “That’s why we wanted to talk to ya ‘ere so bad.”
Barok placed both hands over his face. The horrible jokes, the odd behavior, and the strange conversations all made sense now.
“Pray tell,” Sholmes said, “what was the winner to receive?”
Asogi and Lestrade exchanged a glance, then looked at Sholmes.
“Doesn’t matter now,” Lestrade said.
“Oh, but it does, my dear fellow!” Sholmes said. “For I have won this bet, it seems!”
Asogi sighed. “A month of rent paid for by the loser.”
Sholmes laughed. “Well, now! It seems I needn’t worry about rent next month.”
Asogi and Lestrade both frowned, staying quiet.
“I am disappointed in all of you,” Barok said. “Using me as… as some kind of spectacle!”
“Oh, come on, Zieks,” Lestrade said. “We could all use a good laugh now and then. We were doin’ ya a favor!”
Asogi smirked. “You’re just upset that we managed to do it.”
Barok frowned. He was right and it annoyed him.
Sholmes laughed. “It was a spectacle indeed! To see the once-Reaper of the Bailey laugh in such a way was unexpected!”
“Maybe you’re getting softer,” Asogi added.
Barok crossed his arms, feeling his face go hot. “All of you. Leave. Now.”
Sholmes raised a hand. “But we haven’t spoken about—“
“I’ve had enough of all of you,” Barok said.
Asogi bit his lip, clearly trying not to laugh. Lestrade tried to stifle her laugh, but failed. Sholmes laughed heartily.
“You must admit,” Sholmes said, “the situation is quite humorous.”
“No need to be embarrassed,” Asogi added.
“Out. Now,” Barok repeated.
Sholmes raised a finger. “I really must insist that I speak to you about—“
“Mr Sholmes,” Asogi said, “come by the office tomorrow and we can talk about the case. He’s too drunk right now, anyway.”
Barok was starting to feel like he was not drunk enough.
Sholmes nodded. “Very well.” Then he turned to Barok. “Thank you for your hospitality! I had a lovely time!”
“Sorry again for earlier,” Asogi offered.
“See ya ‘round, Zieks,” Lestrade added.
After everyone left, Barok let out a long sigh, taking in the silence. Finally, he could have a quiet evening away from everyone else. Finally there was no one around to annoy him.
He thought again of Sholmes falling over twice in succession, along with his shrill cry of distress and wild arms. How absurd it was for someone to fall in such a way. How utterly ridiculous and silly. To witness such a thing was an embarrassment.
Barok smiled. He supposed it was quite funny.