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“Fuck it all.”
Instead of heading towards the solo rank battle lobby, Kageura takes a different route. Hopefully one with less people in the corridors. It’s still within lunchtime, so people should be gathered in the cafeteria lounge. By the courtesy of Hikari, supported by Zoe, Kageura Squad has a review meeting in the afternoon. But at this point, Kageura considers skipping it and dealing with the aftermath later.
It’s another bad day.
One where the consistent stabbing of his Side Effect pains him more than usual, more than what he can usually withstand. Despite living with this ability, he’s never quite gotten used to the feeling of another person’s awareness. He could take the quick prickles across his skin, but the stabs of another’s harsh judgement are a different story.
It never ceases, except for when he’s alone. But even now, when there’s no one else in the plain corridor, it feels as if there are still stingers digging into his skin. Then strikes of pain, like lightning flashing, streaks through his body.
He takes a quick breath, trying to dull the sensations. Just keep walking, it’s fine. It’s nothing he hasn’t dealt with before. And besides, there’s no one in the nearby vicinity. It’s just another one of those days when his mind and body is playing tricks on him. But then there’s the slight nausea from it all, and while he’s not sick, there’s an ache in his muscles from the bolts of pain, as if they’re searing his nerves raw.
It’s a really bad day, to say the least.
“Damn it,” Kageura mutters. “This shitty Side Effect needs to stop.”
He knows it won’t. Just like the others with Side Effects, he’s going to have to deal with it forever. The knowledge is as bitter as ever, especially on a day like this one where his mind won’t stop thinking about how much it fucking hurts-
He stops walking and thinks about breathing slowly. In, and out. Repeat.
But his fingers curl into a tight fist, and he slams it against the wall when there’s another excruciating jab.
There’s a sharp stinging from his hand due to the physical contact, but it’s more welcome than the rest of the pain. It’s much better than the loud thudding in his ears, and the heavy pounding of his head that’s in sync with his heart’s every beat. Except it’s short lived and he can only sigh as the stinging recedes.
Pulling away from the wall, he checks his hands. They’re fine other than a little redness, though there’s a slight twitching, which he surmises is due to his Side Effect. Closing his eyes and tilting his head back a bit, he puts his hands into his pockets. Deep breathes, and some reluctant acceptance.
A distraction would be nice, he thinks. Really nice. He’s not sure he can make it to the isolation of his operation room without releasing some more of the strain outwards, probably on the walls. They’re too dull anyway. A few small dents wouldn’t make a difference, would it?
“Kage?”
Oh, he thinks. A distraction. And more than that, it’s Kou. Walking down the corridor towards him in his Suzunari uniform. Kageura can barely feel a sensation across his skin from his new companion’s awareness. He straightens up a bit.
“Kou,” says Kageura. “You here for some practice battles?”
“Yeah, I was heading to the solo battles,” says Murakami, stopping next to him. “You?”
“Squad meeting in the afternoon,” Kageura goes on to give a quick summary of what Nire explicitly said about making the meeting on time, and he sees Murakami give a pleasant smile. Kou must be enjoying his suffering under his nagging operator, but with someone as clumsy as Taichi, it might be a little more refreshing than Kon’s struggle to contain the damage. As Kageura finishes up though, he sees and feels Murakami’s curiosity. A little bit of dread sinks into him; he was hoping for some sense of normalcy, just two people talking, but he has an idea of what’s coming next.
His hope is dashed when Murakami asks if he’s okay.
Kageura snorts and gazes ahead. “Oh yeah, totally fine. Just peachy.”
“Really.”
“Really really.”
There’s a pause, and Kageura can’t help but smile when he hears Murakami laugh. It’s a good distraction.
“Alright then.” Murakami says, humoring him but obviously disbelieving. “So what’s ‘fine’?”
Kageura contemplates dismissing it with a “you won’t get it”, except he thinks that’s cruel for someone like Kou who does his best to emphasize and understand others. Side Effects aren’t a touchy subject, but there’s a difference between his and the other’s. That gap due to Kageura’s physical problem.
In the end, there’s not much to say. Kageura just groans and leans his shoulder against the wall. “It’s just my head.”
“Oh.” Murakami says, and then goes quiet. “Your Side Effect.”
“Mhm.” Kageura mumbles in response. ‘Just his Side Effect’ really sums it all up. In fact, it sums up most of his issues. Might as well start making it a catchphrase. Would it be funny? No, probably not. He could imagine Hikari mocking the idea. Yuzuru would be quite and dutiful as usual, but Zoe might joke about it.
He’s starting to feel some more of the sharper pain again when Murakami speaks up again. Murakami’s concern feels like soft drumming across the surface of Kageura’s skin.
“Kage,” Murakami asks. “Would it be better if I left you alone?”
“It’s okay.” Kageura mumbles, but it comes out a little weaker than intended and he curses himself inside his head.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to leave?”
Oh god, Kageura thinks. If he had enough energy, he’d reach over and flick Murakami on the head. Really hard. Kou’s way too considerate of others. To the point that Kageura isn’t entirely sure how to react to his kindness. It’s not like Murakami’s the only one, but his genuine kindness feels a little different compared to some others. Way different than Inukai’s for sure.
“Kou, you’re fine.” Kageura says, and for some double assurance, he continues. “If I wanted someone to leave me alone, I would’ve told them to fuck off by now.”
Apparently that does the trick, as Murakami looks more accepting with that answer. It must be telling of Kageura’s own personality if suggesting violence works better. The sensation of concern fades a bit, just barely there. Kageura straightens up again and moves his feet to dull the pain that’s still around. He starts walking. “I’m heading to my squad’s room. I’d rip you up in battle, but I’m not up to it today.”
It takes him a few second to realize there’s a set of matching footsteps tagging along. When he looks over, he sees Murakami following him. The fastest route to the solo rank battle room is to go back down the corridor and turn left, so why-
“Kou,” says Kageura, eyes narrowing. “What are you doing?”
And Kou has the gall to look innocent as he makes eye contact. Except it’s not really an act either. “I figured I’d join you in going the long way around. You said I was fine, didn’t you?”
So now he decides to be assertive, thinks Kageura. Or just generous. While the company is nice, he doesn’t need to keep someone around and from what they were planning to do, especially now that he’s feeling better. Except right after he thinks that, his head aches as if to tell him wrong. “Okay, now you can fuck off. Go do your little battles and beat up other people. I don’t need a babysitter.”
Murakami dismisses it with a slight smile. “I can always go later. Besides, you’re really not feeling well if you’re avoiding the fast route to get to your room.”
“Damn,” groans Kageura. Of course Kou would realize it. Normally Kageura would go the fastest route, even if there were more people, just to get it over with. But today, with pain stabbing into him regardless of everything, is just a really bad day. They’re still slowly moving along the halls, and if they hadn’t gotten used to the design of the building, they probably would’ve gotten lost. “Can’t hide anything from you and your Side Effect.”
“It’s hard to hide anything from you too,” retorts Murakami softly. “It’s an amazing ability in its own right.”
That’s a true statement, although all Side Effects are unique in their own ways. But Kageura doesn’t want to think about its pros when it hurts like it does right now, like being flayed.
“Yeah, but it’d be hell of a lot easier if I could just see or hear. Instead, I get this.” Kageura spits out the last word, and he doesn’t elaborate. There’s really nothing else to say about it, and Kou knows what he means. ‘This’ being the pain he deals with in return to knowing what others think about him. Things that usually aren’t so great to say the least, because people judge more than they realize. It was easy to be empathic once he heard about Kikuchihara’s Side Effect.
Oh, he realizes. A bit too late now that he’s said it, but Kageura wonders if Kou might’ve taken that the wrong way. The rumor about Arafune quitting being an attacker bothered Kou for a while, and Kou’s always been a little unsure of how to deal with his Side Effect and its effect on his relationships with other people.
But when he gazes to the side, he finds a thoughtful Murakami. Seconds later, it looks like Murakami’s come to some decision as he practically lights up –posture straighter and face determined as if set on some idea- and turns to Kageura, who’s slightly startled by the energy put into it, and the different response than he imagined. A softer, scratching feeling like wool pulses against his skin. The two of them pause just before another split in the hallway.
“Kage,” Murakami says. “I have an idea. For your Side Effect.”
“For my Side Effect,” repeats Kageura, deadpan. For his extremely irritating Side Effect, in which his body gets stabbed like a straw doll with iron nails and a hammer. Just thinking about it reminds him that his body is currently in a lot of pain. How did Kou come up with something from what he said just now?
Kou looks a little too optimistic, he thinks. Except he can’t really shoot Kou down before doing anything either. He’s also not sure how to respond to this sudden event. “And what’s your idea?”
Murakami gives with an unexpected response. “Let’s head over to my operation room.” But seeing Kageura’s blank response, Murakami adds a little more. “It’s in my room, I mean.”
Nothing to lose and it kills time, Kageura thinks; might as well check out the place. So the duo ends up walking into Suzunari-1’s HQ room.
There’s not too much there compared to Kageura’s own squad room, but it makes sense for a branch squad. And not to mention that his squad’s room gets messy when Hikari is lazing around with the kotatsu room, so maybe it isn’t saying much. But with the joint sniper practices and the occasional spars, Suzunari might visit often. It’s kept pretty neat, then. Murakami points him to the bail-out room while going through some cabinets in search of something.
“Kou, I do have my own room.” Kageura does lay down on the mats though. It’s surprisingly comfortable, as long as you don’t associate it with losing in spars. And while he doesn’t want to admit it, it’s nicer not having to stand when his Side Effect is bothering him. Murakami rummages through a cabinet in the operator’s desk before handling Kageura something with a glass of water.
“Pain-killer, for your headache. And it makes you drowsy, so it’ll help you fall asleep.”
Kageura’s takes a moment to process what exactly is put in front of him, while Murakami pulls out some blankets out of nowhere- that or Kageura’s so worn out that he can’t focus. Somehow, this turn of events surprises him and the pain isn’t as prominent.
“Kou,” he starts, but once again he’s not sure what to say. The generosity isn’t exactly sudden, but just unexpected. It is a good idea, he thinks after considering it. Is everyone in Suzunari-1 this amazingly thoughtful? Do they have a test for how caring a person can be in order to join their branch?
“Sleep is,” beings Murakami, as he places a pillow on the mat. “Sleep is good for you. And since you have a headache, you might as well sleep it off.”
“I’m getting a lecture now?” Kageura jokes, but he doesn’t do anything with the medicine. He can feel the gaze, as well as the concern from Murakami. There’s only so long a person can stare at a pill and not do anything with it. But there’s a reason why Kageura hasn’t actually tried this before, other than the fact that his Side Effect rarely acts up as badly as it is now.
And, Kageura muses, Kou’s letting him experience how his own Side Effect works. How thoughtful. Perhaps too much for someone like himself, he thinks, who’s often violent. Ah, but it’s all back to ‘just his Side Effect’, isn’t it? Maybe it would be a funny catchphrase.
“No one else is using the room today, so you can use it,” says Murakami as he tidies up the rest of the room. “I’ll dim the lights and tell Nire too. They’re probably already in your room, so I thought this one would be better. And the medicine,” he pauses to close the cabinets, and then moves over to the mattress Kageura is occupying. “It dull headaches.”
“You’re talking more than usual.” Kageura says, still eyeing the small medicine. He’s not sure if it’ll help that much, but supposes it can’t be worse than taking nothing at all. The headache is still there, as are the slashes he feels throughout his body. Ghost pains, sharpening and fading fast.
“Really?” Murakami deflects it. “Inukai chats the most though. And Hokari’s texts.”
Kageura chuckles a little, nodding in agreement. Inukai doesn’t shut up as much as Kageura would like him to. But when it’s just him and Kou, the silence can be pretty comfortable. Other than during battles, Kou’s awareness is a smoother feel than most others too. Now, he’s feeling what seems to be ‘worry’, except it’s ‘worry for him’, which is different than what he gets from strangers or acquaintances. From the majority.
He knows Murakami won’t ask, so Kageura makes the first move to get it over with. He sighs, fingers trembling slightly as more ghosting stabs sweep into his skin.
“I feel like a fucking weakling.” It’s not really admittance, Kageura thinks. Stubborness, maybe. Any other day, and any other person, he wouldn’t say it. Maybe to his squad, his second family, as stupid and corny as it sounds. But they came around to him, they’ve all worked together, and if anything, they’re good friends.
But this Side Effect is something he has to deal with on his own. Only he has to deal with it. He has, and in battle it’s an advantage. It’s nothing he can’t handle, the strange sensational pain that only he feels when someone thinks badly about him. He’s shown those people how strong he is, how he can take it and fight back. But on a day like today, well-
It’s a fucking terrible day.
“But you aren’t weak.”
And Murakami says that as matter-of-factly, a law in science like gravity that can’t be denied. Kageura can confirm the sincerity. It’s not like the lies that have been told to his face, with arrows stabbing into him. There’s a steadiness in Murakami’s words that’s comforting, not bitter at all. It doesn’t wipe all Kageura’s doubts away, but it’s nice.
“Kou, I’ll take this and sleep, if you stay.” Kageura notes the slightly skeptical expression on Murakami’s face, dark eyes wide. “You sounded like you were leaving. I’m not kicking you out of your own room.”
Murakami hesitates, strangely uncomfortable now that it’s about himself.
“It seems more painful than I thought, so I thought it’d be better if I left-”
That’s it, Kageura thinks. The final straw-
Kageura grabs onto Murakami’s wrist and pulls, forcing Murakami to stumble closer. Close enough that it’s easy for Kageura to give a strong headbutt into Murakami’s forehead, Kageura sitting on the mattress and Murakami practically leaning between his legs and trying not to fall.
There’s a sharp sting on his own forehead, not from his Side Effect, and he hears the slight hiss of pain from Murakami.
“For the hundredth fucking time, Kou! Get it into you head, you can stay.”
Murakami rubs his forehead, eyes wide as if amazed. Or possibly dazed, but Kageura doubts that with the trion body.
After a moment, Murakami smiles brightly. Although Kageura isn’t entirely sure why, it’s good. Especially since it seems like Kou isn’t being overly considerate of others again. It’s a soft feeling, like acceptance or something more, that Kageura feels from him.
“You’re really amazing,” Murakami says, eyes bright. “In your own way, that is.”
“Wow, thanks.” Kageura disbelievingly mutters, but he thinks that Kou’s laugh is warm. Both the sound and the feeling.
“I’ll stay, only if you take that medicine.” Murakami sounds a little reminiscent of Kageura’s own nagging operator. “Does your head hurt more?”
“It’s nothing,” says Kageura, releasing his hold on Murakami’s arm. He takes the medicine, downing it with some water before putting the glass somewhere safe, hopefully out of future-Taichi’s way, to watch Murakami bustle around, pulling things out for another person’s company. It’ll be a bit of time before the medicine’s effect kicks in, but Kageura feels drowsy already from the strain, and lays back down.
His hands twitch a little, but the pain lessens as he starts getting sleepy. For a second, Kageura remembers the physical contact of his hand on Murakami’s wrist.
Unlike his Side Effect, the physical, warm contact of kou’s hand is real. The pain is real too, real to him. But there’s the sense that the physical contact grounds him to the world around him. It’s there, constant as well, and not bitter.
“Kage,” says Murakami soothingly, moments later. “Is everything good?”
“Mhm, it’s fine.” The lights are dimmed, and the blanket is warm, and everything is lulling him to sleep. Away from the annoyances of his Side Effect.
Before he falls asleep, Kage calls out one more time. “Thanks, by the way.” He hears a faint response, something like a ‘no problem’, and a fluttery feeling spread across his skin.
It could’ve gone worse, he thinks, on the verge of consciousness. Not the worst day there’s been.