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Pavel’s hair wasn’t as curly in the back, right above the collar of his shirt. He’d never noticed that before.
And Pavel’s shoulders were very tense, or at least more tense than usual. I should ask what’s wrong, Jim thought, I could get him some real Russian food or something maybe, just to cheer him up. Maybe he-
“Captain? Enterprise to Kirk?” Uhura’s voice broke into Jim’s thoughts, and he realized with a jolt that he had been staring. Again. He quickly shook his head and turned towards the communications officer.
“Yes?” He said, trying to cover up his stumble with a smooth grin.
Uhura smirked, but thankfully didn’t say anything else. “There’s a message for you on line three from the new Andorian ambassador,”
“Alright, okay,” Jim said, nodded, “Put it on the screen,” He pointed to the big view screen and turned his chair around before Uhura could shoot him another look.
Jim forced himself to focus on what the ambassador was saying, even if it was much less interesting than all the little wrinkles in the back of his navigator’s shirt. The Andorian was thanking the Enterprise for resolving the dispute between them and the Bolians; Jim tried to be as gracious as he could, even if he really wasn’t in the mood for diplomacy right now.
By the time the call ended, the turbolift swished open, revealing the junior officer in charge of the next shift. Finally, Jim thought, getting up from the chair and passing command over.
As he made his way across the bridge, he saw Uhura starting to walk towards him. He quickened his pace, but she did too, and soon the turbolift doors were closing behind both of them.
There was a tense, expectant silence until Uhura finally turned to him and said, “Okay, what was that about?”
Jim groaned and rubbed the bridge of his nose, “I don’t really want to talk about it,”
Uhura gave him a sympathetic look, “Sure about that? You do realize you’re gonna have to deal with whatever it is eventually,”
“I am dealing with it,” he said defensively, crossing his arms, “I’ve been dealing with it,”
She didn’t seem to really believe him, but turned back to face the door anyway, “Whatever you say,”
Jim got out at the next deck even though it wasn’t anywhere near his quarters, just to escape the Uhura’s sympathetic glances. He wandered the hallways for a few minutes with no real destination, before eventually settling on the observation deck.
It was one of his favorite places on the ship; the huge windows made it feel like you were actually floating through the stars. He sat down across from the view, and rested his head against the wall.
This is getting really out of hand, he thought. It had been months now, and he still hadn’t gotten over this silly crush. He rubbed a hand across his face. “This is so ridiculous”, he said to himself, “Of course, I had to fall for my own navigator,” The smart, adorable, navigator, his brain added unhelpfully.
He sat there for a long time, watching the stars slowly pass by and trying to think about anything other than Pavel. He knew he needed to go and get some real sleep eventually, so he finally pulled himself up and straightened his shirt.
It must be later than he thought, Jim realized as he made his way down the nearly empty, darkened corridors. He rode the turbolift up to the deck with his quarters, and was surprised to see bright light flooding out from the nearby rec-room. It was mostly nocturnal species, people who don’t like bright lights, that worked the night shift, so he was curious to see who was still up.
He regretted the idea, the instant he stuck his head around the door.
Pavel was sitting in the corner, talking to someone on the comm screen in very rapid Russian. He was waving his hands animatedly and obviously in the middle of a long debate.
Jim didn’t want to intrude on the private conversation, but he was frozen in the door at the sight of the one person he had been trying to get out of his head for hours.
Jim shook his head, scolding himself internally for the lapse, and turned to go. That was of course the exact moment Pavel noticed him.
“Captain!” He said, startled, “I didn’t see you there,”
Jim waved a hand dismissively, “Don’t worry,” he said, “I was just walking by, I didn’t mean to startle you,”
“It’s fine Captain,” Pavel glanced back at the screen for a second, as the person asked something Jim couldn’t make out. Pavel seemed to hesitate for a second, looking between Jim and the screen, before jumping up and waving him over. Jim reluctantly let himself get led over, and was about to ask what Pavel wanted, when the young man started talking.
“Cap-,” he began, before grabbing Jim’s arm and pulling him down to sit next to him, “Jim, this is my mother,”
Jim’s confusion must have shown on his face, because Pavel gave him a silent pleading look. Jim felt his insides melt, just a little, at that look, and turned towards the screen. “Hello,” he said as sweetly as he could, “It’s nice to meet you,”
“Oh, yes, nice to meet you too,” She said. She gave Jim a poorly concealed appraising look, before turning back to her son, “Who is this Pavel?”
Pavel glanced at Jim for a second, and then nervously placed a hand on his shoulder. “Mother,” he began hesitantly, “this is my boyfriend,”
Jim didn’t think it was possible to choke on normal air, but he still somehow managed it. He coughed a few times and choked out a startled “what?”
“He’s the Captain and he’s very nice,” Pavel continued, his hand still resting on the other man’s arm lightly. He glanced over at Jim again, trying to convey something through his expression that Jim’s brain was too fried to decipher.
They both turned towards the screen, Pavel expectantly waiting for her response, and Jim still just dumbfounded by the recent turn of events. After a moment of shocked surprise, the woman’s face lit up.
“Oh Pavel!” She exclaimed, putting her hands over her cheeks, “That’s wonderful!” She then jumped up and rushed away from the camera into another room.
Jim turned towards his friend and didn’t even have to say anything before the younger man broke into a frenzied explanation, “I am so sorry Captain, but she never stops asking ‘Pavel, when are you going to meet someone nice? Pavel, where are all those nice Starfleet officers I’m always hearing about? Pavel, you must be so lonely.’ I just couldn’t take it anymore; I’m so sorry Captain,”
Pavel looked so embarrassed and upset at the turn of events, Jim couldn’t even try to be mad at him. With that damn wounded puppy look, he could probably stab me and I’d still be fine with it, Jim thought, before mentally checking himself. He was trying to get over this, dammit.
“It’s fine,” Jim said, loving the way all the tension left Pavel’s face, “I get it,” He smiled at Pavel, who smiled back. Jim felt his heart swell when Pavel didn’t look away, letting the eye contact linger for probably longer than it probably should have.
The moment was broken by the shouted “Pavel!” that signified that return of his mother.
Pavel turned back to the screen, but Jim hesitated, just taking in the fact that they were this close. He looks cute from this angle too. Damn.
Blushing, Jim finally turned towards the screen and found himself face to face with what must have been Pavel’s entire family.
“Mother!” Pavel was saying, “This is very unnecessary!”
There were enough of them that they didn’t all fit on the screen at once, but his mother was still in the center of it all. “Oh, Pavel it’s just so exciting! He’s the captain and everything!”
Pavel blushed and started to protest again, but Jim broke in, “It’s lovely to meet you all, thought I don’t think I’m going to be able to remember this many names,”
“Oh, that’s alright, you can properly meet everyone the when you come to visit,” another woman, probably an aunt, said.
“Visit?” He turned to Pavel, who turned an even deeper shade of red.
“I totally forgot,” he whispered, his eyes going wide.
Jim turned back to the screen and plastered on his most charming smile, and said, “I’m sure it will be fun, but in the meantime it’s very late for us, so I think we have to say goodbye,”
The arranged family members waved and said their goodbyes; Jim waved back and ended the call. Then he turned to face Pavel.
“What’s this about visiting?” he asked.
Pavel grimaced. “I promised I’d stay for a few days when we docked at Earth next week. It’s almost the holidays, and I haven’t seen them in a while,” he said, “but don’t worry, you don’t have to come, I’ll say we broke up, or that you’re sick or something,”
In any other circumstance, except maybe if Bones really needed the favor, Jim probably would have been fine with making up an excuse. But, something was pulling at him to take this opportunity. Maybe he feels the same? he couldn’t help but hope, no matter how impossible he knew it was.
“I’ll do it,” he said, his heart beating nervously in his chest.
Pavel was stunned for a second, “What?”
“I’ll pretend to be your boyfriend,” Jim said, his voice taking on more of his normal conviction as he spoke “It’s only for a weekend,”
“Really?” he asked. Jim nodded. “Oh Captain! Thank you!” Pavel wrapped his arms around Jim’s neck and gave him a quick hug, then realizing what he was doing, jumped back and apologized.
Jim just laughed, “I’m glad to help,”
Pavel grinned at him and waved goodnight, thanking him again.
“Get some sleep,” Jim said. He watched Pavel make his way out of the room and down the hall, anywhere he had touched in the last few minutes feeling like it was ablaze.
Then Jim found himself alone again, the room suddenly seeming darker without Pavel’s smile.
Great, now his smile lights up the room. Jim groaned and put his head in his hands. I’m never going to make it a whole weekend. This was a terrible idea.
--
“Wait, remind me again why I’m the one being left in charge here?” Scotty was look at him like he had an extra eye, but Jim just pushed on, trying to get this out of the way so he wouldn’t miss the transport.
“I have some family business I have to deal with, Spock’s the keynote speaker at some conference for geniuses, and Bones is visiting his daughter,” he said, “that makes you the highest ranking officer on the ship,”
Scotty squinted at him like there was something he was leaving out, but nodded none the less. “Okay,”
“It’s not like you have to really run anything, it’s just normal repairs and that’s your area anyway,” Jim said, patting his arm.
Scotty nodded half-heartedly, and seemed like he might have something else to say, but got distracted when a nearby engineer was doing something wrong.
Kirk saw his opportunity and took it, jumping into the lift with a grin.
His grin only grew when the doors swung open at the next level to reveal Bones.
“What are you so happy about?” He asked, stepping into the lift with his bags.
Jim shook his head, “I’m just happy about being able to take a real vacation for once,” he said, “and I’m overjoyed to see your wonderful face as always,”
Bones gave him a skeptical look, but let it slide with a chuckle. “What’s gotten into you? I haven’t seen you this excited about time off in a while,”
Well it’s been a while since I got to spend it with the cutest guy on the whole damn ship, Jim thought, and then prayed that his feelings weren’t as annoyingly obvious on his face as they are on his head.
As if Bones was reading his mind, he turned back towards Jim and asked abruptly, “Don’t tell me you’re in love again,”
Jim’s defenses responded on instinct. “What? No. No no. That’s not it at all, nope,” As soon as it came out, he knew he had overdone it. Blush started to creep up his face, and he buried his face in his hands.
A slow grin soon split Bones’ face, and he placed a sympathetic hand on Jim’s shoulder. “Jeezes Jim, that bad huh?” Jim just nodded.
“Do I know them?” Bones asked, “I can put in a good word for you if you want,”
Jim shook his head, looking appreciatively over at his friend, “No, there’s nothing you can do, just enjoy your time with Joanna,”
Bones grinned, his face transforming at the thought of seeing his daughter again. “Okay, I can do that,”
The doors finally swished open, and they stepped out onto the ramp that led away from the ship. While they walked towards the shuttles, Bones explained all the fun holiday things he had planned to do with Joanna. Jim smiled, happy for his friend, but still unable to totally shake his nerves about what was about to happen.
“Captain!” Pavel called as he waved to Jim from a nearby gate. Jim nodded in his direction and turned to say goodbye to Bones, but he was stopped by the look on his friend’s face.
“Oh,” Bones said meaningfully, glancing between Jim and Pavel, “So that’s who you’re seeing during leave,”
Jim glared at him, and pulled him aside before he could say anything else. “It’s not what you think,”
“Jim,” Bones said, “It’s not a big deal-- well okay it’s kind of a big deal,” Jim gave him another look, “As long as he makes you happy,”
“Of course he-” Jim shook he head, “No, there’s nothing going on, we’re just taking the same shuttle,”
“So you’re going to Siberia for fun?”
“He doesn’t live-” Jim groaned, “Just don’t tell anyone okay?”
“Okay,” Bones said, softening and smiling at him, “Whatever you say,”
“Good,” Jim scowled, “And have a nice break,”
Bones chuckled, as Jim turned and started to work through the crowd towards Pavel, already dreading the awkward shuttle ride to come.
I’m never going to hear the end of this.
--
The ride was just as tense as he had feared.
Pavel tried his best, making small talk and trying to explain some of his family tree. Jim nodded and tried to answer but mostly just fiddled with the hem of his shirt.
It was strange to be this nervous about something that didn’t involve hostile aliens or difficult diplomatic relations. In all those moments, he always felt mostly calm. He knew what was happening, what he needed to do, but now…if he screwed this up, Pavel could find out how he really felt, and then who knows what would happen.
Would Pavel stop talking to him? He didn’t know if he could stand that. Or worse, what if he asked to be transferred?
Jim’s thoughts kept brewing up worse scenarios the while ride; by the time they touched down at the local port, he was a nervous wreck.
--
The ride to Pavel’s house wasn’t as bad as the shuttle, mostly because now he didn’t have to say anything. Everyone else was doing all the talking. He was squished in the middle seat of probably the oldest car he had ever seen, between two of Pavel’s cousins, who just had entire conversations over him like he wasn’t there.
Pavel was in the front, explaining something to his aunt in Russian, but every once in a while he would turn around and give Jim a comforting look, and that made it all worth it.
The rest of the time, Jim just stared out the window at the snow. He hadn’t seen an Earth winter in a long time. When he was a kid, he had his brother used to go sledding and have snow fights all the time.
He smiled at the memory, then noticed that the car was coming to a stop outside of big house.
“We’re here!” The aunt who was driving announced as both of the cousins leapt out.
“Are you doing okay?” Pavel asked quietly as Jim unbuckled.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jim said, giving him a reassuring smile, “I’ve seen way worse than a big family,” Pavel smiled back, but still seemed reserved about the whole thing.
Pavel’s mom came out to greet them, as Jim pulled the luggage behind him. “Nice to finally meet you in person, ma’am,” he said, offering his hand.
She shook it vigorously, saying delightedly, “He’s a gentleman too! Oh Pavel, this one’s a keeper,”
Pavel gave his mom an imploring look, which just made her smile more. She pulled her son into a big hug, “It’s so good to see you again, son,”
“You too,” Pavel said warmly.
She then led them into the house, and up a few flights to their room, then left them to unpack.
“Well,” Jim started, once she had closed the door, “It’s your house, you can take the bed,” Pavel started to protest, but Jim just waved him off, saying “I’ll be fine, don’t worry,”
For a while they just sorted their stuff into drawers, Pavel explaining a few more of his relatives as they went.
“…Uncle Ilya came be difficult sometimes, but he also falls asleep really early, so it should be fine,” he said, “and my cousin Diana is really sweet, but she’s also vaguely related to the Orion Syndicate so don’t buy anything she tries to sell you,”
“Jeezes,” Jim said, pushing his suitcase into the nearby closet, “The only family I ever had was my mom and Sam,” The thought of his brother brought back another memory, but this time it was the image of him leaving. The unbidden memory shocked him for a second; he hadn’t thought about that in a long time.
“Are you okay?” Pavel asked cautiously.
“Yeah, I-” Jim said, rubbing the back of his neck, “I’m just realizing how long it’s been since I talked to my brother,”
“Oh,” Pavel sat down on the edge of the bed, “I didn’t even know you had a brother,”
Jim smiled, “Yeah, George. But I’ve always called him Sam,”
Pavel hesitated for a second then asked softly, “What happened to him?”
Jim sat down next to Pavel on the bed, “He left,” He looked over at the other man and continued, “My stepdad was a grade-a jerk, and he just couldn’t take it,”
Pavel’s face was so open and caring, Jim almost stopped for a moment just to appreciate it. “That was the last time I saw him,”
“I’m so sorry Jim,” Pavel said, moving his hand to rest it reassuringly on Jim’s. The both smiled quietly at each other, and Jim could feel himself carefully leaning in to lessen the already small gap between them.
He has the nicest freckles, Jim realized, and beautiful eyes. They had reached the point where he could feel Pavel’s warm breath on his face, but he hesitated for a second before moving any more. There was still something in the back of his mind telling him this was a really bad idea.
It was that hesitation that left them leaning awkwardly close to each other as Pavel’s counsin burst in.
“Oh sorry,” he said, obviously storing the sight in her mind for telling all the others later, “But dinner is ready,”
Pavel pulled away, glancing over at Jim for a split-second, “Okay, we will be down in a second,”
The cousin left with a thinly concealed smirk, then stomped downstairs a head of them.
Jim stood and rubbed his hands, suddenly clammy, on his pants. “Let’s get to it then,”
Pavel just nodded; then led the way down to the first floor.
--
The food was like nothing he had ever had before.
Jim had only had food made from scratch a few times before. He went to an old-fashioned Thanksgiving dinner at Bones’ house once when they were still at the Academy, and there were a few planets he visited that still didn’t use replicators.
But this meal was full of soups and drinks and things he had never tasted, and Pavel’s mother could tell him exactly how all of it was made.
“This is incredible,” he said, digging into something delicious, “I didn’t even know that a person could make this much food all at once,”
“I learned it all from my grandfather,” she said, beaming, “He was a chef, well-known throughout the system,”
Some of the other people around the long table started telling various stories about him, and Jim had a second to turn to Pavel, who was sitting next to him.
“I think I love your family,”
“Some good food and you’re sold?” Pavel asked with a grin, “If I had known it was that easy, I would have done this ages ago,”
Jim smiled, but was startled when he realized everyone was looking at them.
“What are you two lovebirds smiling about?” asked the uncle sitting across from them.
“Oh, nothing important,” Jim said, trying to waving them off, but the attention didn’t shift as he had hoped.
“I’ve barely gotten to talk to you two yet,” said Pavel’s mom said, clapping her hands together, “Why don’t you tell us about how you started dating,”
Pavel’s eyes grew wide, and he looked helplessly over at Jim, who did what he did best: jumping without looking. “It was very sweet,” he started, with no idea how the hell he was going to continue, “We were both working…and…” he stalled for a second, glancing back over at Pavel, who still looking like a deer in the headlights.
With nowhere else to turn to, Jim just started talking from the heart, “…and I just couldn’t stop staring. He’s just so cute, ya know? And he’s a genius and so nice to everyone,” Pavel’s mother nodded, and smiled down at her son proudly, “It was a little awkward, but I asked him out anyway, and there’s not a day that I regret it. He’s one of the greatest people I have ever met, and I love him to pieces,”
There was a collective sigh around the table, and Jim realized he was grinning again. Then he looked over at Pavel and saw the shocked look on the other man’s face. Jim’s smile faltered for a second, realizing that he probably just gave himself up, but then plastered it back on so that he could at least keep himself from throwing away that secret too.
The rest of dinner went by without incident, but Jim still couldn’t keep the sinking sense of dread in his stomach. He’d blown it. There was no way he’d be able to bullshit his way out of this one. He literally confessed his undying love over dinner, surrounded by the entire extended family, and was grinning like the love-drunk fool he is the entire time.
Nice going. You can fight your way out of an exploding Romulan ship, but you screwed up in the one place that really matters. Bones is going to kill me, hell, I’m going to kill m-
“Jim?” Pavel’s mother was next to him, and pulled him from his thoughts, “Do you want some hot-chocolate?”
“Yes, that would be wonderful,” He said, looking around for a second and realizing that he was so trapped in his own pit of self-guilt that he hadn’t realized dinner ended. He pushed his chair back and followed her into the kitchen.
She pulled a pot off the stove, and poured the hot chocolate into a mug on the counter. “I’m so glad Pavel has you,” she said, as she added some milk, “He puts so much time into his work that he’s always had trouble making friends,”
Jim took the mug and started to take a sip when she shook her finger at him, “Not yet, it’s still very hot,”
Jim nodded his thanks and leaned against the counter. “Well, he’s definitely made some great friends on the Enterprise. Speaking of, where is Pavel? I didn’t see where he went after dinner,”
She nodded towards the stairs, “I think he’s on the roof,” she said, “that’s where he normally goes after big family things,”
Jim nodded and headed upstairs, grabbing a coat from his room on the way up. After a quick search he found the hatch to the roof.
The snow was starting to fall softly, drifting down from the dark skies. Pavel was curled up in an old lawn chair, starring up at the sky. Jim pulled himself all the way up onto the roof, and let the hatch close behind him.
The noise startled Pavel, and he turned to see who was there. “Jim?” he said, surprised.
“Hey,” he replied, “I wanted to talk to you,”
Pavel sat back down a little, but grabbed another nearby chair and pulled it closer. “Okay,”
Jim sat down and finally took a sip of his hot chocolate. “Oh my god,” he said surprised, “this is amazing,”
Pavel smiled, “It’s always my favorite part of coming home,”
Jim offered him the mug, and he took it with a soft smile. As they sipped at the mug back and force in the snow, Jim realized he was stalling.
“About what I said at dinner,” Jim started, unsure of how to continue for a second.
“It that really how you feel?” Pavel cut in. He said it with such speed and conviction that it was obvious he had been thinking about it for a while now.
Jim bit his lip and hesitated, looking down at his hands and feeling the blood rise to his face. Then, suddenly, there were fingers on his cheeks, delicately moving his face so that he was looking up at the other man.
They were inches apart again, their foggy breaths mingling in the thin air separating then. Jim’s heart was sudden beating a frantic rhythm in his chest, and he was almost numb with the emotion rolling around inside him.
“Is that really how you feel?” Pavel’s voice was steady, somehow, unlike Jim’s as he softly whispered back,
“Always,”
Jim wasn’t sure which one of them leaned in first, but before he knew it, their lips met. I’m kissing Pavel Chekov, was the last thought that whizzed through his head before all thought was lost in the soft kisses they were trading back and forth.
When they parted, Jim felt like he had been struck by lightning, but Pavel still looked as sure as he had a few minutes ago.
“Wha-” Jim started to ask, before Pavel silenced him with an adorable little grin.
“I’ve honestly wanted to do that since the day I met you,”
Jim smiled too.
“Well we’d better get back to it then,”