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God damn it.
God.
Damn it.
How he’d come to be in this situation he didn’t know, and frankly it didn’t really matter, because it wasn’t like God cared at all or that it would make a difference if He did. For once he wished he liked the taste of alcohol, of syrups, bubbles, gin, fruit cocktails and whatever else his friends had that night. Maybe if he’d stolen a sip of Hange’s drink he could argue that he was in no condition to drive. But as it stood, Levi was the only sober person there, and his very drunk boss was trying very hard to fit his car keys into place, and he was walking right next to that sad scene, and it was late at night, so what the hell else was he supposed to do? Tempting as leaving him be seemed, if next Monday at the office they were greeted by the news of their beloved Erwin Smith’s passing, it would frankly be more of an inconvenience than anything. Plus, he actually liked the guy, so maybe he should stop being so bleak and just help him already before he actually managed to figure out which key fit where.
He took in a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. God damn it.
As he walked toward the black convertible, coat in arm, he considered leaving one final time. Nobody would know he’d just left. He could just turn around, walk away, never speak of this to anyone. But there were probably CCTV cameras around, or maybe someone had seen him, or maybe one of his coworkers noticed, and before he knew it he was next to the other man. Erwin just stared at him, dazed. Levi’s tie seemed a little too tight around his neck.
“Um,” he cleared his throat, “need help?”
The blond just stared at him, confused. Then his eyes widened like plates.
“Oh my God! Levi!” he smiled, big and dumb, and threw his arm around the shorter man’s shoulders a little too heavily. Levi let out a grunt. “Oh my God, hi, no, I’m all good...I think? Maybe.”
“Um,” he repeated, grabbing his arm by the wrist and slowly pulling it off of him, “yeah, I think you’re not. You really shouldn’t be driving-” he got cut off by a loud, hearty laugh.
“You’re so right!” Erwin’s words were slurred, and his face was way closer than it needed to be for his loud tone. The smell of beer in his breath hung thickly between them. “You’re right. You know, you’re very smart for such a small little guy,” and then he patted Levi’s head a couple times as if it were the most normal thing in the world for him to do. It took him a couple seconds to realize what had just happened, but he eventually just shook his head and grabbed the keys from his hand.
“Right. Thanks. I’m driving you home,” he led him to the passenger’s side and opened the door for him. Erwin plopped in happily and laid back, stretching his arms over his head. He kept one arm behind the driver’s seat nonchalantly and closed his eyes, a silly grin on his face.
Thankfully, the roads were relatively clear this late at night. City lights flashed all around them; the roof of the car was pulled back when they got in, and he had no idea how to get it to come up again, and when he tried asking Erwin he just asked “hey why do you wanna put it up anyway it’s so nice out plus why would I have a convertible if I didn’t keep it open and also-” and so he stopped listening halfway through. His boss lived a ways out from the city, closer to the county outskirts. He’d been there more than a few times for work related reasons, as well as a couple of office social gatherings. It wasn’t a particularly long car ride, but it was long enough that they sat in silence for a while until it became awkward. In spite of the alcohol, or perhaps because of it, the other man seemed to catch onto the mood, so he sat upright and flicked the radio on. Some random current pop song started playing and he hummed along, messing up a few times -it occurred to Levi that he probably didn’t even know the lyrics to begin with- but he just let it play out.
Every now and then he’d catch glimpses of him: his blond hair flowing in the wind, all the city lights dancing around them, his content expression, the light tapping on the car door. This wasn’t like the Erwin Smith he was used to seeing at the office every day. This man was relaxed, open to the world. It almost seemed comical how different he felt, his whole demeanor more carefree and calm. He knew being in charge was stressful, he couldn’t imagine how he did it day in and day out. Even after a few months of working for him he had days where it was all a little overwhelming; just the other day he’d pulled an all-nighter to get some paperwork done in time. Thinking of how it must be for someone higher up, for the person in charge of his job and everyone else’s... It had to be exhausting. It made sense that on the one night he was allowed to go out and drink he’d let himself go a bit too far with it.
They’d reached the bar around eight o’ clock, and not one hour had gone by when Erwin had already downed three beers. He held his liquor quite well, though he usually preferred whiskey. By ten, he was tipsy. By midnight, he had his second or third fruit cocktail in hand, some weird concoction he’d seen Hange drink before deciding to get one for himself. The glass looked silly in his big hands, all colorful and sparkly from the various decorations that were shoved in, some of which even lit up. He’d taken off his coat and tie a while back, popped open the first couple buttons of his white dress shirt and rolled his sleeves up to his elbows. Levi didn’t know the man dancing in front of him, sweaty and joyful, to some song that was probably big around the 2010’s, but he simply sipped his ginger ale and looked on at the strange scene taking place.
Finally, at around two in the morning, the bar began closing up and everyone started heading home. Ubers were called, hugs were exchanged, Hange even kissed Levi wetly on the cheek before Moblit had to drag them away. He took out his handkerchief from his pocket and wiped at his face after they’d left. Once he paid for his two ginger ales and single small bowl of peanuts, he grabbed his coat and left, cold night air blowing into his face. That’s when he spotted Erwin wobbling towards his car, reaching for his keys, and then his better nature got the best of him.
Still, he couldn’t complain. It was sort of nice getting to see this side of him, the comfortable, gentle version of the usually severe businessman he knew. It felt special, somehow. More personal. Everyone else saw him at work, and they certainly knew what he was like when drunk and excited, but this Erwin was quiet. Pleased with himself. He was lost in his own world, listening to a tune he didn’t know yet enjoying it nonetheless, unaware of whatever was going on around him, of Levi’s eyes darting over to him at every red light. He felt something he couldn’t quite name every time he stole a glance, whenever he realized nobody had gotten to see him like this, just him. Like a pressure in his chest, a gentle weight settling over him, warm and easy.
“What’s with the tie?” the wind was so strong it took him a moment to realize Erwin was talking to him. He snapped out of it.
“What?” he yelled back.
“Your tie!”
“What about it?”
“Why are you wearing it?” Levi was sure anyone who was sleeping at this time was probably not too happy about the drunk man screaming at the top of his lungs, but there really was no other way to communicate with the wind whipping their hair, so he muttered a silent apology and responded.
“Because it’s required? Like, at work?” he didn’t sound so sure of himself. Erwin laughed again, that same loud, hearty laugh from before.
“But we’re not at work!”
“...No, I guess we’re not!”
“So why are you still wearing it?”
“I...I don’t know?”
“So take it off then!”
“What?”
“Take it off!”
“Why would I do that?”
“Because!”
He paused. Was he being serious right now? Why did it matter if he was wearing his tie or not? It wasn’t like there was anyone else looking at them, plus Levi was just driving, so why did he even care?
“Come on, take it off!” he insisted.
“No!”
“Why not?” he dragged out the question, sounding exasperated. “Tsk. Come on!”
And then, out of nowhere, Levi felt his hands on his neck. He braked so hard it sent them both forward with force. He hit his head on the steering wheel and Erwin slammed sideways into his seat belt. He didn’t seem to mind, though; he was too busy undoing Levi’s tie.
“What are you doing?!” he yelled at him, trying to shove him off, but drunk men were persistent when they wanted to be.
“We’re not at work,” his voice didn’t seem to lower in the slightest, “just take it off!”
“I don’t want to- Hey! I don’t want to take it off!” they struggled for a while, Erwin desperately trying to get to his neck and Levi pushing him off as best as he could. Someone yelled from an apartment window, telling them to shut up, and he could feel himself shrinking into his seat.
Finally, Erwin grabbed at his tie with a triumphant “Ah-ha!” and pulled off his tie in one swift motion. Before Levi could protest, he tied it around his head like a schoolboy at prom. “Now drive!”
“No! Give me my tie back!”
“Nope!” he was beginning to think God actually cared about tonight, but in His own twisted, sadistic way. For fuck’s sake.
“Fine. You know what?” he switched gears and began driving off again, “that’s fine. Keep it, whatever, I don’t care.” His boss laughed again, louder this time, and in a move he couldn’t begin to comprehend, teased his hair.
“Aw, are you mad at me?”
“No.”
“Yes you are.”
“I’m not! I’m just trying to drive!”
“This is my car, you know.”
“I’m aware.”
“You have to do what I say.”
“...Sure.”
“Because I’m your boss,” he tried to boop his nose but his hand got swatted away before he even made contact, “and so you have to do as I say and be nice to me,” and then, as if it was nothing, he laid his head on Levi’s shoulder. He froze, unsure of what to do. The drunk man began absentmindedly humming to himself, so he just sighed and let him rest there, until that feeling in his chest returned and he caught himself having a most ridiculous, preposterous thought.
No.
Absolutely not.
Because how could he? Why would he? He was his boss. They worked together. And yet, he felt comfortable around Erwin in a way he just didn’t seem to allow with others. Maybe it was all the late nights in his office, the endless calls that stretched into the morning. He was good at his job, and often times that meant Erwin trusted him, and only him to help. He couldn’t lie; it made him feel good. Special. Like he truly belonged somewhere, which was more than he could say for most of his life. In Erwin Smith he found a place where he felt almost serene. He made him feel serene. He could hear God laughing in his ear.
“Shut up,” he murmured.
“Mm?” came a sleepy response from his shoulder.
“Nothing,” he paused. “...nothing.”
“Mm,” and then snoring.
Motherfucker.
How dare he.
It was one thing to be carelessly drunk humming to silly songs, that was enough to make him question his sanity, but he just had to fall asleep on his shoulder like an asshole. If he doubted his feelings before it was getting increasingly difficult to deny them now. And honestly, what even was the point? He’d never feel the same way about him, so why did he care how he himself felt? It was stupid to even think about it now. He was driving, he had to keep a clear mind.
Erwin nuzzled into the crook of his neck and took a deep breath.
What the fuck.
He couldn’t get to his house fast enough. He was ready for this whole night to be over. Why, why on earth did he have to help this guy get home? Perhaps the Monday funeral wouldn’t have been so bad. Maybe burying him six feet deep would have been easier than drowning in his own thoughts; at least then he wouldn’t have to deal with this big oaf of a man trying his best to send his head spinning. It suddenly felt like he’d had just as many drinks as everyone else at the bar with the way he was barely holding on to the car. It was as if once he had declared it to himself he’d opened the floodgates for all the nonsense, lovey-dovey scenarios that could possibly occur to him to just rush right in without an invitation. He thought about yanking the steering wheel to the side, a quick death, but decided that killing himself would also be an inconvenience, so he just kept driving.
And while the road turned more narrow, the buildings smaller and the sights more green, he was very aware of the pounding in his chest. Thump, thump, thump. It felt like his heart might burst out of his chest at any second, so when he finally spotted the iron gate, he heaved a sigh of relief. It was a big, fancy remodeled country house right in the middle of some fields, with a nice garden and a long gravel driveway that wound around a fountain. At last, this car ride would be over and he could go home, maybe even make it to bed before his alarm went off. He pulled into the property, automatic gate opening and closing for him, drove around the fountain and parked passenger side to the front door. The silence that fell over them was deafening, and he almost missed the radio’s senseless music. Levi cleared his throat.
“Hey.”
No response. Great. He cleared his throat a little louder.
“Hey,” he tried more firmly, shaking his arm a little to nudge him awake, “we’re here. Wake up, stop drooling all over my shirt.”
“Hm? Huh?” Erwin seemed to gain some sense and got up slowly, rubbing at his eyes. “What?”
“We’re here. At your house. Get up.”
Another pause.
“...I think I’m gonna be sick.”
“Absolutely not-”
“-absolutely yes.”
Erwin practically ripped off his seat belt and jumped out of the car. He flung himself as best as he could toward some bushes by the entrance, steadied himself against a column and proceeded to hurl out the seven beers, three fruit cocktails, one whiskey neat and countless shots of tequila he’d just bought a few hours prior. Levi knew he was a big man, but how someone could fit so much liquid inside them he hadn’t a clue. Shit, I should probably go make sure he’s okay. He took off his own seat belt as quickly as he could and went over to where the other man seemed to be dying. He rushed over and got up on the entrance steps. Without thinking, he put one hand on his forehead to hold his hair and rubbed his back with the other. When the stream finally seemed to stop, Erwin composed himself and wiped his mouth with his hand.
“Oh, fuck...” was all he managed to say.
“Yeah, fuck sounds about right,” Levi grabbed his handkerchief from before and handed it to him.
“...thanks,” he took it a bit sheepishly and cleaned himself up as best as he could, “I uh, I imagine you’d want this cleaned before getting it back?”
“That would be preferable, yes.”
“...yeah. Yeah. Sorry,” he sniffled, still a bit shaken from the puking. For a moment they just stood there, Erwin looking up at the moon, as if trying to figure out where and when he was. Levi shifted around uncomfortably.
“Um, you wanna go inside now?” he asked.
“Huh? Oh... I think so, yes.”
“Alright.”
He grabbed the taller man’s arm to steady him and they walked up to the door. He left him there while he went to get the keys from the car, then got back, punched in the security code and went in. He struggled a bit with holding up a grown man while closing up behind him, but eventually he managed to set the keys on the table and drag him to the first floor guest bedroom -there was no way he was making it up the stairs. Erwin toppled onto the bed face down like a sack of flour and immediately started snoring again. Awesome. Levi tried his best to roll him onto his side, propping him up with some pillows, so that he didn’t choke on his own vomit in case the dam broke again.
He went upstairs to his bedroom. He’d been there countless times before, but this time it seemed... Different, like he was really looking at it for the first time, taking it in. It wasn’t really decorated, yet some things stood out as undeniably Erwin’s taste: a framed map of the world above his bed, a small amber bug lamp in his nightstand, the pairs of shoes thrown about. This space was his, and it smelled like him. Thump, thump, thump. Levi shook himself out of his stupor; he looked around for whatever dresser had Erwin’s clothes and got him a clean sweatshirt and pajama pants. He also grabbed a hand towel and took a moment to wet it with warm water in the guest bathroom downstairs. When he went back into the room, Erwin was still sleeping soundly. He tried shaking him a bit.
“Hey, you need to clean up and get changed.”
“Mm need to get mm...” was all he got back. He sighed.
Levi considered his options. One, he could leave him in his sweaty, puked on clothes and go home. Two, he could get him naked and rub him all over without his sober consent. The answer seemed obvious, and yet:
“I uh, I need to clean you up. Is that okay?”
“Mm sure clean when hm...” snoring.
Good enough.
He carefully undid the knot around his head. There in the moonlight, his tousled blond hair seemed made of gold, long lashes resting gently on his cheeks. Thump, thump, thump. He started on removing his shirt, soaked and stained, and when he finally managed to pry it from his limp body he threw it on the floor. With the damp towel, he began cleaning his chest, gingerly, as if waking him would be the worst sin known to man. His body was a little soft, not overly so, but enough that his eyes lingered on his chest, then the trail of blond hair leading down his abdomen. Thump, thump, thump. He finished cleaning him up then began undoing his belt buckle. He hesitated. Was this really okay? Should he stop? He wasn’t doing anything inappropriate, but he also hadn’t been this close to another man in a long time, let alone so personally, so... Privately. He swallowed the lump in his throat. Thump, thump, thump. He slid down his pants with one hand, careful to hold up his underwear with the other. He heard a quiet giggle. He froze and immediately shot his eyes up at Erwin.
“You’re so dirty...I’m so defenseless...” his eyes were still closed.
“...uh, sorry, I just thought you shouldn’t be in dirty clothes after-” a low, raspy chuckle. Thump, thump, thump.
“S’okay, m’alright,” he didn’t say anything else, but he didn’t go back to snoring. For a moment Levi considered if he should keep going, but seeing his nearly naked body he thought well, I can’t just leave him like that, so as best as he could he managed to pull the sweatshirt over his head and put his arms through the sleeves. The flannel pajama pants were a lot easier to get on him, and once he was finished he crossed his arms, admiring his work.
You can’t just leave him like that, throw a blanket on him or something. He walked over to the guest room closet and pulled out one of the many fluffy, knitted blankets Erwin kept there. He wondered if he’d bought them somewhere or if his family made them as gifts. Did he even know anything about his family? He knew his father had passed when he was young, but there wasn’t really a lot of information on that, so he never pressed the subject. Erwin always seemed to get a little melancholic when speaking about him, so he never pried. These blankets didn’t have a tag, maybe they were made by someone he knew. Or maybe he knit them himself, though he’d never seen him pick up a needle. Focus, stop rambling. He headed back to the bed and tried his best to get Erwin to a somewhat normal position with his head on a pillow, making sure he was mostly comfortable, or at least seemed to be. He was almost finished draping the blanket over him when a hand shot to his wrist.
Thump, thump, thump.
“...Levi?”
Silence.
“...yeah?”
Pause. More silence. Thump, thump, thump.
“...would you stay with me?”
Jesus fucking Christ. He could not be serious right now.
“...I don’t know, you’re still pretty drunk and-”
“Please?”
He sounded so desperate, almost on the verge of tears. Levi didn’t know how to say no. He bit his lip in resignation and sighed.
“...sure.”
He did his best to kick off his shoes and climb into bed without moving him too much. He pulled the blanket over them, making sure to keep more on Erwin’s side than his. He was so close he could hear his heartbeat, slow and steady, and see his chest rise up and down gently. His breathing was slow, almost like he was still sleeping, but he knew he was awake. He felt like his head might fly right off from all the spinning. They were so close, they’d never been so close before, and yet it felt familiar, as if he was always meant to be there. He allowed himself to ease up a little.
“Thanks,” the larger man murmured.
“...don’t worry about it.”
“No, really...” Erwin took a deep breath. “You’re always there for me, I appreciate it.”
“It’s my job.”
“Yeah, it’s your job, but like... You’re really good at it? And you do so much more than you’re supposed to?” Levi could tell he was still sort of out of it, plus sleep was hanging heavily to every word he said. But he appreciated his words. Thump, thump, thump. They hung in the air and he considered them. It’s true he probably did too many extra things that he definitely didn’t get paid for, but it made him happy. Seeing Erwin trust him was what drove him every day, hard as it had been to admit it earlier that night. Knowing he needed him gave him extra strength when nights got too long or mornings were too early. He smiled gently, thinking about it.
“...thanks.”
And then he felt his lips on his.
It was a soft kiss; tender, drunken and warm. It only lasted a couple of seconds, and then he heard snoring again. His body was so tense he thought for a second he’d turned to stone. What just happened. WHAT.
What was he supposed to do? His mind was reeling, his chest wide and heavy and so, so loud. His heart might come up his throat at any moment. He toyed with the blanket’s knit for what felt like an eternity, a million thoughts a second. This wasn’t at all how he pictured his Friday night going. He was supposed to be home, in his own bed, reading a book or something. Alone. And yet, he couldn’t have wished for anything else. Yeah, his boss was half drunk and he himself was still in his work clothes, but he didn’t even know how to describe how comfortable he felt. How calm. Had he ever experienced this kind of peace at any point in his life? It was as if some of Erwin’s silly joy had rubbed off on him for the first time in a while, and after a few seconds that could have just as easily been hours or days, he started to relax.
He didn’t know what was gonna happen in the morning, or if Erwin would even remember what had happened, but he decided it didn’t matter. For once, he just let himself be happy. He let himself feel that familiarity and serenity Erwin brought him. He let himself love him. That was enough for now. What came later was a problem for future him, as right in that moment he decided it didn’t matter. He snuggled into Erwin’s chest, and the sleeping man just breathed deeply and wrapped an arm around him. That was enough for now. That was enough.
Levi felt himself growing more tired by the second, and in those final moments of consciousness before sleep took him away, he thought about Erwin, about how content he felt in his embrace, and how much he wanted to stay there forever. He thought about how warm it was, how soft and safe he felt. Once he finally fell asleep, it was with the man he loved, and that was all he really needed. A place to call his own, right there in his arms.