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Darkness had well and truly consumed the courtyard by the time Baxter ventured out into the cold to find Jimmy. He had left the dining hall a long while ago, and she was beginning to worry he had run off. Guilt began to build up inside her as she took the time to dwell on the fact that Thomas wasn’t coming back. She not only felt guilty for not helping him enough, she felt guilty for taking him away from Jimmy. She knew he loved him, and she knew she should have found a way to contact him when Thomas started spiralling. He could’ve saved him, Thomas only lived for the hope of Jimmy loving him back.
“What are you doing out ‘ere?” Jimmy asked, scaring her as he stepped out of the darkness. She couldn’t help but compare him to her old friend, skulking around in the dark was always his favourite past-time.
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Things got out of hand inside.” She answered, wrapping her arms around herself to try and stay warm.
“’m fine.” Jimmy shrugged, lighting himself another cigarette as he made his way over to her.
“I truly am sorry Jimmy.” She said quietly. “I know that probably doesn’t mean much to you, and I know you think I should’ve tried harder to help him, but I am sorry.”
“I know you are, but it ain’t all just on you Miss Baxter. I could’ve ‘elped.” He sighed, breathing out a cloud of smoke.
“But you weren’t to know he was ill. I should’ve found a way to get him to talk. I’m sorry, I didn’t.”
“Quit apologizing will you. I know you tried.” He said seriously. “He was just a stubborn bastard when he wanted to be. I should’ve written to him, but I made ‘very excuse not to.” He mumbled softly. “He meant a lot to you didn’t he?” He asked, once again leaning against the wall.
“I grew up with his sister so he was like a younger brother to me. I can remember him always running about getting into mischief.” She smiled fondly. “I felt like I needed to protect him, ‘specially when his family turned on him.” She sighed.
“I can imagine him getting into all sorts when he was younger.” Jimmy chuckled, picturing a small little boy pottering about after Baxter and his sister, always up to something.
“I s’pose that when he got me this job, I thought I owed it to look out for him. You know better than anyone he could always find something to get him into trouble. I only wanted to help him, and I failed.” She mumbled, looking down at the ground rather than at Jimmy. She couldn’t face him knowing she could’ve tried harder to save the man he loved. “I know he would’ve loved to have seen you again.” She said quietly, making him look up at her.
“You know, don’t you?” He asked as she finally looked at him, sending him a small nod. “How’d you guess?”
“Standing up to Mr Carson, not many people would’ve dared to do that for just a friend.” She smiled.
“Well I hope he’s proud of that, I almost got meself kicked out again.” Jimmy laughed. It felt good for him to talk to someone who knew the real Thomas, like he did. He felt as though Miss Baxter was the only person who didn’t just see evil like the rest.
“I almost forgot to give you this, Thomas asked me to be sure you got it.” She spoke up, holding, what looked like a letter, out to him. Taking it from her, he decided on returning to his room before trying to read whatever was written inside.
“Uh, I’m going to bed. Thank you, for this. G’night.” He mumbled, quickly leaving her in the dark as he hurried off. He took the stairs two at a time as he raced to open the letter. He didn’t want anybody else to know what was in it, and no doubt he would start crying if he read it downstairs.
“Are you perfectly alright James?” Mr Carson asked as Jimmy almost ploughed into him at the top of the stairs.
“’m fine Mr Carson. Just…getting ready for bed.” He answered, holding the letter behind his back. “”s been a long day.”
“Of course.” Carson nodded. “I wanted to apologize for my behaviour at dinner. It’s been brought to my attention that my words may have been hurtful for you, and…I’m sorry.” He sighed, taking Jimmy by surprise.
“Thank you, Mr Carson.” Jimmy smiled, shocked that the old man had it in him. He wasn’t normally one to apologize, heck, he wasn’t normally one to think he was wrong at all.
“Hmm. Good night, James.” He grumbled, sounding more like himself as he walked off towards his room.
“G’night Mr Carson.” Jimmy muttered, following him to his own room. He was itching to open the letter. He wanted to know what Thomas had written to him, and why he didn’t send it earlier. Maybe it explains why he did it, or maybe it’s asking why Jimmy didn’t bother writing himself.
He quickly shut, and locked the door behind him as he made it to his room. He didn’t want anyone to interrupt him. This was his time to hold onto the only thing he has left of Thomas. Part of him felt as though he shouldn’t read it. What if it was an angry letter? A letter that was written out of spite because he felt like Jimmy didn’t care for him anymore. Or what if it blamed him? He couldn’t handle it if Thomas blamed him, not when he already blamed himself.
He decided he should read it (he’d be kicking himself if he didn’t), and fixed himself on the bed before opening the envelope. Before he could even unfold the letter, Jimmy felt tears in his eyes. It was finally sinking in, this was it. This was the only thing he had left of someone who was so special to him. He wasn’t going to hear his beautiful voice again, or see that rare glimmer of a smile he came to love so much. Thomas was actually gone, and Jimmy didn’t know what he was going to do.
He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding as he carefully unfolded the pages, psyching himself up. Thomas’ handwriting sprawled across the page as he began to read, his hands shaking the paper.
“Dearest Jimmy,
I cannot find the words to describe how much your friendship means to someone like me. Though many of my mistakes (should) could have pushed you away, you stayed, and I cannot thank you more for that.
I’ve missed you. I know it’s not proper of me to say that, but it’s the truth. You were, in some ways, the only person to understand me, and after you left, nobody bothered to try and do the same. Though I think Andy is somewhat a friend, he could never replace you Jimmy. Nobody can.
I often remember when you told me you couldn’t give me what I wanted. Yes, you couldn’t give me what I wanted, but in many ways, you gave me more. You gave me what I wished for. You gave me a friend. That is what I wished for more than love. One may say that a true friendship is a type of love (and who am I to argue), but ours was different. Ours was something special. Something I could never have dreamt of having before meeting you. So I want to thank you, for everything.
I now wish for something else. I wish to be happy. But not just happy; I wish to be truly, genuinely, and blissfully happy. I wish to be happy with (you) somebody, but that’s not really an option is it?
I’m sorry for everything Jimmy. Truly.
Promise you won’t forget me?
Thomas.
I (still) love you.”
Jimmy sobbed as the letter fell from his hands onto the floor of his room. His whole body shook as he pulled his knees to his chest, burying his face in them. He couldn’t breathe around the giant lump in his throat, and struggled for air as he continued to cry. Thomas’ words spun around in his head, almost taunting him, and he couldn’t handle it. He just wanted him there. He wanted to hold him, touch him. He wanted to tell him that he loved him too, and that they could be happy. They could be truly, genuinely, and blissfully happy together. God, what he would give to be happy with Thomas! To make him the happiest man on this Earth. How could he sit there and not say anything? How could he be such a coward?!
Thomas had died with a broken heart, and now Jimmy had to try and live with one…