Work Text:
Being back at Downton alone scared Jimmy. Just the thought of facing the others was enough to fill him with dread. He didn’t like the feeling of having no one there with him, no one who understood him like Thomas did. What if they didn’t want him there? What if they kept asking him questions? He didn’t know if he could handle the prying into his inner thoughts.
After their talk, Mrs Hughes invited him to stay for a few days (without consulting Mr Carson, who in turn, was a tad cross with the housekeeper), and Jimmy accepted, not exactly having anywhere to go anyway (in his haste to get to Downton, he’d forgotten to make sleeping arrangements). The rest of the downstairs staff were happy to see him, most of them already guessing he would return. He was introduced to the new footman, Andy (who seemed friendly enough), and got his ear chatted off by Molesley, who was more than please to see him again.
“We’re all very sorry about Mr Barrow.” Andy spoke up as everyone stopped eating, most of them watching Jimmy out of the corner of their eye, waiting for his reaction.
“Uh, thanks.” He muttered, sending the young man a small smile as he continued to eat his food. Why were they all staring at him? He was at the church for the same reason they were, wasn’t he?
“He was a nice man. Taught me to read, he did. Well he tried. I ain’t the best student.” Andy chuckled softly.
“I wouldn’t go that far.” Jimmy heard Mr Carson mutter to himself from the head of the table. How dare he. How dare he sit there and speak ill of Thomas, who was clearly hurting enough to want to end his life!
“He was a nice man.” Jimmy agreed. “Though many of this lot wouldn’t think so.” He spat as they all kept watching him, sensing that something bad was coming. “That’s ‘cause you never gave ‘im a chance. You never let ‘im be ‘imself.”
“James.” Carson warned, sending him a firm glare to state his authority. Jimmy wasn’t having it.
“What?!” He snapped, ready for a fight. He wasn’t going to let him sit there all high and mighty and badmouth someone who wasn’t there to defend himself.
“Please keep your opinions to yourself over dinner.” The butler said seriously.
“Why should I?” Jimmy retorted, hoping that standing up to the old bastard was making Thomas proud.
“Because may I remind you that you a merely a guest in this house, and if you do not choose to behave yourself, you will be out in the cold.” Mr Carson said sternly, still glaring at him from his seat.
“Everyone ‘ere should’ve kept their opinions to themselves too then. Maybe Thomas’d still be ‘ere if they did!”
“Jimmy-“ Anna started.
“I can’t sit ‘ere and let ‘em think its okay.” Jimmy interrupted. “You were all so horrible to ‘im. I know he weren’t the nicest man ‘imself, but surely one of youse could’ve seen he wasn’t happy ‘ere.” He sighed, almost pleadingly.
“We tried to ask if he was okay, but he didn’t want our help.” Miss Baxter said quietly, looking down at the table.
“When did he ever take ‘elp from anyone?” Jimmy muttered, crossing his arms. They all should have known better. Of course he wouldn’t accept help from anyone, (he was stubborn) but they could’ve tried harder. All of them, including himself. He should’ve written.
“I should have pushed to help him.” She sighed. “I should have found a way to write to you.” She added, finally looking him in the eye. She knew.
“It’s hardly your fault.” Molesley stepped in, trying to defend her.
“We all should’ve tried harder with Thomas.” Anna sighed too, fiddling with her hands.
“Before we all start pointing blame, we have to know that it’s no one fault that Mr Barrow felt the need to do what he did.” Carson said loudly, halting all other conversation.
“Now how can you believe that?” Mrs Hughes butted in. “Was it not you who spent every waking hour hounding at him to find a new job?” She asked, clearly already knowing the answer.
“Well, his Lordship-“
“And was it not you who failed to trust him when it came to his friendship with Andrew, even after he had promised nothing happened between them?” She added. Jimmy gaze quickly flickered to Andy before back to the couple.
“It was.” He answered quietly, looking ashamed. Suddenly things became very clear to Jimmy, and he needed to get out of there.
“’Cuse me.” He mumbled, quickly getting up from the table.
“What’s goin’ on with ‘im?” He heard Andy ask as he rushed down the hall. He couldn’t sit there anymore and listen to them. He felt sick now knowing some of what they (granted it was mostly Carson) had put Thomas through, and he began to feel even worse knowing that he used to behave like that too.
After his swift exit from dinner, Jimmy found himself freezing his ass off in the back courtyard while his fingers shook as he tried to light a smoke. It was place he knew well, a place he used to come with Thomas. As he lent against the cool brickwork of the Abbey, he took a minute to remember how they would often spend too much time out there, mainly smoking and gossiping, but really doing anything to get out of work. That’s where Jimmy saw the real Thomas. The happy, carefree, and implusive Thomas, that wouldn’t dare to come out around the others. The Thomas who would smile (a genuine smile) and shake his head at the younger man as he made a (usually horrendous) joke. Or the Thomas who wasn’t afraid to let his walls down and talk about anything.
That’s where Jimmy saw the Thomas he fell truly, madly and deeply in love with.