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“Why’d you keep it such a secret then?” Anna questioned as she walked Jimmy up to the Abbey. After sobbing into her shoulder for a good 10 minutes, he finally explained everything to her. How he truly did love Thomas, and how he should’ve came to tell him sooner. “You know we all would’ve been happy for you.” She smiled.
“I know that.” He smiled back softly. “I guess it was hard for me to wrap me ‘ead around I s’pose.” He sighed, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. “I never thought I’d feel like this, especially about him. If only I’d’ve wrote to him. I could’ve told him sooner. He would’ve known.”
“You couldn’t have known what Thomas was thinking Jimmy. None of us could.” She said quietly as they ventured up the drive of the estate. The façade was unchanged from when Jimmy had been there last, but he knew everything was different under the surface. He couldn’t picture Downton without Thomas. He couldn’t imagine the place without him lurking in some corner, listening in and plotting something scandalous. He didn’t want to face his empty chair in the dining hall. He didn’t want to face the others.
“Are you sure I would be welcome here Anna?” Jimmy asked, feeling a tad nervous as they drew nearer to the servants’ entrance around back. “Mr Carson and I weren’t on good terms when I left.”
“Mr Carson’s mellowed out a bit since then.” She laughed quietly. “You’ll be welcome and I’m sure everyone will be happy to see you. Especially Mrs Hughes.” She added.
Mrs Hughes had been the one to write to Jimmy, to explain the ‘situation’ as she had put it in her letter. He hadn’t even finished reading before he had shoved anything he could find into a bag and was racing out the door. The two words, “Thomas” and “situation” could never mean well, and he just needed to get to him as soon as he could. He missed the funeral by an hour because the stupid train was late. That hour stopped him from being able to say goodbye to the man he loves, and it’s slowly killing him inside.
“Don’t be nervous okay?” Anna spoke up, pulling Jimmy out of his thoughts.
“I-I’m not nervous.” He mumbled.
“It’ll be fine.” She smiled softly, leading him through the back door. They were both immediately caught up in the hustle and bustle of downstairs, with maids, footmen and kitchen staff all running around doing their own jobs. None of them even seemed to notice Jimmy as he followed Anna down the hall to Mrs Hughes’ sitting room.
“I don’t think I can do this.” He muttered, his palms starting to sweat. She’d want to talk about Thomas. He didn’t want to talk about him, he only wanted to be with him.
“It’s okay.” Anna said quietly, squeezing his shoulder as she knocked on the door.
“Come in.” Mrs Hughes called.
“It’s only me Mrs Hughes. I found us a visitor on the way home.” Anna smiled as she opened the door.
“James.” Mrs Hughes smiled too, standing up to greet them both.
“Mrs Hughes.” Jimmy nodded, sending her a small smile. It felt strange to be back at Downton. On one side it felt as though he never left, that he could throw on a livery and everything would be back to normal. But on the other, nothing felt the same anymore, and deep down he knew things would never be back to normal.
“I’ll leave you to it then.” Anna mumbled.
“Can you ask Mrs Patmore to make some tea please Anna?” Mrs Hughes asked. Anna just nodded and left Jimmy alone in the room, closing the door as she left. “I’m sorry that such a sad situation has brought you back to Downton James.” She sighed, offering him a seat (which he took) before sitting opposite him.
“”Situation”? You think Thomas taking his life is just a situation? It must be some big inconvenient “situation” for you all then.” Jimmy snapped, not bothering to hold back.
“James, I-“
“Don’t.” Jimmy interrupted. “Don’t act like you cared about him, ‘cause you didn’t.”
“I did care James. Not everyone in the house did, no, but I did. So do not come in here raging at me like a bull at a goddamn gate because I cared.” Mrs Hughes snapped back as Jimmy looked down at his feet. Feeling bad and a tad embarrassed for losing his temper. “I always knew that deep down somewhere you felt the same. I could see it in the way you looked at him. You don’t look at a friend that way.”
“I was a fool not to realise it.” Jimmy muttered, not looking up at her. “If I did then he mighten’ve-“
“This isn’t your fault James. You didn’t know.”
“I could’ve. I could’ve known if I wasn’t such a prat. If I’d’ve written, I’d’ve known he wasn’t himself. I could’ve came. I could’ve told him.”
“We all could have done something to help him, not just you.” She sighed.
“If I realised how I felt all that time ago, we could’ve…y’know,” He mumbled, not wanting to say it out loud. “been together.”
Jimmy wouldn’t dare to say any of this around the others (except maybe Anna). He couldn’t trust them to not say anything to Carson.
“Now I’m too late. Now he’s gone, and I never even got the chance to tell him. He doesn’t know that I love him.” He sniffled, tears falling down his face. He hated crying. He considered himself weak for crying, (especially in front of others) but he couldn’t think of anything he’d done more in the last day than cry. The more he cried, the more it became real. The more he longed to see his face, or hear his voice.
The more he cried, the more he longed to be with him.