Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Rain trickles onto the windshield of Martha's car, creating streaks of light from the headlights in front of her. Being stuck in traffic always gives her a headache, and there’s always traffic in New York City. 

She sighs as she listens to the soft music coming from her radio, drowning out the car horns and screeching of tires. Her long day at work catches up to her and all she wants to do is crawl into her reading chair and feel the warmth of the radiator. Corralling a group of fifth graders on a rainy day is no easy feat, however, she knows she’ll feel better once she gets home. As she mindlessly taps on the steering wheel to the music, the cars ahead finally start moving.

Upon arriving at her apartment, Martha hangs up her coat and accidentally kicks a piece of paper that had been slipped under her door. She picks it up off of the floor and retreats to her bedroom to get out of her wet clothes. While peeling her clothes off and getting changed into a sweater and comfortable pants, she opens the note. It’s a short note from her landlord, notifying her that while she was gone she had had a visitor. The note continues, saying that it was a man who inquired about where Martha was but her landlord said it seemed “fishy”. 

Martha chuckles to herself, reading the note in the voice of her landlord, Louise. She’s an older, tough woman who’s always looking out for Martha. She has a granddaughter that Martha often tutors, free of charge. To return the favor, Louise makes sure to look out for Martha, often being overly cautious, however Martha appreciates it. She finds comfort in the idea that someone, anyone, was looking out for her. 

Martha assumes that Louise was just playing it safe, warning her of any little thing, and that the man was likely her friend Chuck. He often stops by unannounced and is one of the few people that she’d let come over without knowing ahead of time.

Martha tosses the note on her dresser and walks to her living room. Her body immediately relaxes as she decompresses after the long day. One of the first things she did when she moved in was make the space comfortable. At the time, she hadn’t felt very confident in her ability to make friends, so she wanted the apartment to be pleasant. She figured she’d be spending a lot of time inside of it. 

She was of course wrong, and her quiet charm had gained her a nice group of friends, but she’s still happy that her place feels so homey and safe. Knowing how quickly her sense of safety had been stripped away in the past, she cherishes the protection she feels in her own space.

For the first few weeks, it had taken her a while to get herself to leave the apartment, and even longer to feel comfortable around people again. However, the cozy space she had created is much needed after a long day of work. She loves those kids but damn were they a handful sometimes. 

After grabbing the mail that had been delivered earlier in the day, she curls up under a blanket on her dark green reading chair and sighs as the warmth envelops her. After a moment of letting her headache die down, she begins to sift through the mail in her lap.

Most of it is bills or newsletters from the school she works at, and she sits through them absentmindedly. She opens one and skims over the text. Something about a talent show and sports tryouts, nothing of importance so she puts it in the pile to be thrown out. 

Eventually she gets to the last envelope and her heartbeat spikes as she recognizes the cursive lettering spelling out her name and address. She takes a deep breath as she carefully opens the envelope and pulls the letter out. 

As she reads, tears form in her eyes, as they do every few months when she receives a letter. 

Dear Martha,

I hope you are well, and as always I hope my letters aren’t too tiresome for you. I’m not sure if you read them, or if these letters are reaching you, but whatever the case, I’m going to continue writing. If you choose to read anything from these letters, I hope you read this: I miss you. 

I spend most of my days sitting at home, reading, and trying not to feel bad for myself. Turns out being a housewife isn’t very exciting. Everything is as you’d expect here and I'm sure not nearly as interesting as the city, but my offer forever stands. Please come visit, or at least write back to me. I would enjoy nothing more.

Love, Karen

Martha finishes the letter and reads it a second and third time as her cheeks become stained with tears. Guilt overcomes her and she tucks the letter back into the envelope to prevent herself from reading it again. It hurts her heart beyond measure every time she reads one of Karen's letters, pleading with Martha to come see her. It had taken a few months until Karen had somehow found her address, but ever since then the letters have come like clockwork. She had thought the letters would stop eventually but it was now four years since she moved, and although the letters had become less frequent, they have never stopped arriving in the mailbox.

Karen’s letters usually end with her asking Martha to come visit, but they usually aren’t nearly as desperate as this one feels. Not only had she said she misses Martha, but that she’s trying not to feel bad for herself. What does that mean, Martha wonders. She had always figured things would be like a fairytale for Karen once she got married. 

Martha fights the urge to pull out some stationary and write a letter in response. I shouldn’t, she thinks to herself. She considers it, as she does every time she gets a letter, but ultimately decides not to. Karen has a life of her own and Martha believes that if she gives herself the leeway to speak to her again, things will just unravel once more. They were exonerated, yes, but there were whispers when Martha decided to leave. No one had known where she went, but assumptions were made about her possibly fleeing more speculation because the rumors had been true. Because of this, Martha didn’t want to risk dragging Karen back into rumors that only pertained to Martha. She wouldn’t be able to bear to see Karen ruined again by a sin that was Martha’s alone.

Back then, Martha felt as if she was drowning and couldn’t be saved. She was drowning in the speculation and prying glances every time they tried to leave the house, but also in her immense love for Karen and the shame of what her love had brought upon their life. It was one thing for her own life to be ruined but she couldn’t handle the fact that Karen was suffering the same hell that she was. 

She thinks back to the evening that Mrs. Tilford came to apologize and inform them that she would be telling the judge the truth. As Martha listened to Mrs. Tilford’s words, she felt the most hopeless she had felt throughout the entire situation. She knew she should be happy that their names would be cleared, but the damage had been done and she couldn’t imagine a world in which the weight of her shame could be lessened. 

After retreating upstairs, not being able to hear another word from that wicked woman’s lips, Martha sat in her window, writing her final goodbyes to Karen. Her hand was unusually steady and it terrified her. It terrifies her now to look back and know how ready she was to die, and how easily things could have been very different.

When Karen came into her room, Martha scrambled to fold up the note and stuff it in the pocket of the old robe that was laying on top of her lap. Karen spoke to her about going away some place, after she and Joe got married. Her words were so hopeful that Martha’s heart ached knowing what she was planning to do. It took some mulling over, but she eventually abandoned her plans. She cared for Karen too much to risk darkening her wedding plans with her selfish death. She decided then and there that she would stick it out, for Karen’s sake. She would find another way to protect Karen, a way that wouldn’t inflict so much pain.

It had been a few weeks after they had been exonerated in the papers and Karen and Joe were getting ready for their wedding to take place. Martha had been thinking about it for a while, but finally told Karen that she had bought a one way train ticket to New York. 

“Martha, please stay. They know we’re innocent now and things can go back to the way they were,” Karen begged.

“There’s no going back, Karen. We both know that. I can’t go back to the way things were,” Martha pauses as they share a glance, both of them knowing that what Martha knows about herself can’t be pushed back into the recesses of her mind, “But you can. You’ll marry Joe and you can have a fresh start.”

“We can all have a fresh start, together,” Karen tried to convince her, her eyes begging Martha silently.

“As long as I’m around, you won’t ever be truly safe. This is for the best, Karen. Please believe that,” Martha says, tears running down her cheeks but her face was still as she clenched her jaw at her best attempt at coldness. Maybe if this makes her  angry with me, leaving will be easier, she thought.

Martha stayed for another week, attending Karen and Joe’s wedding but wishing she hadn’t. She felt sick watching Karen walk down the aisle, say I do, and kiss Joe for all to see. She felt sick for losing Karen, and sick for wishing it was her kissing her under the blooming roses and candy-striped awning.

That night she started packing and sobbed through it all. A couple days later, she took a taxi to the train station in the early hours of the morning and boarded a train to New York, leaving behind only a small note to Karen on her bed in her empty room. 

When Martha first arrived in New York, she didn’t know a soul and for the first few months she battled the urge to run back to the farmhouse. She sat in her apartment, staring out the window for hours on end, ignoring the letters that came in the mail even though it pained her so much to do so.

Martha shakes her head at the memories filling her mind, and wipes her tears as she sets the letter on the coffee table. Just as she does so, she hears a knock at her door. She wonders who that could be since she’s not expecting anyone, but she thinks it must be her friend Chuck. Maybe he had tried to call while she was out and had come over. He only comes over when he needs to complain about something, so Martha rolls her eyes as she walks to the door and prepares to sit and listen to his raving.

She opens the door, an annoyed smile on her face that quickly fades as she looks up at the person in front of her. Her heart drops to her stomach as she stands there, looking like a deer in the headlights.

“Joe?” she manages to sputter out, her mouth feeling dry. 

“Where is she?” Joe asks, his face cold and determined. His eyes search behind Martha as his jaw clenches anxiously.

Still processing the fact that Joe is at her door, Martha cocks her head to the side in confusion, “Where is who?”

“Don’t play dumb, Martha,” Joe says as he comes inside, “I know Karen is here and I need to speak with her.”

“Joe, I haven’t spoken to Karen in four years…” Martha says, trying to decipher why Joe would think Karen was with her.

“That’s impossible. I know what’s going on here. You’ve wormed your way into her mind again,” Joe nods as he looks around the apartment. His words are angry but his eyes are sad and Martha feels unable to move.

As she watches Joe walk through her apartment, she wonders what he means by that. Is he suggesting that she had influenced Karen with her homosexuality? Her face heats up as she’s faced with accusations all over again. It had been four years since she’s had to be face to face with them, and hearing this sort of talk from Joe puts ice in her veins. The last time she had seen Joe he believed in their innocence, so what had changed? Martha doesn’t come to any conclusions but her heart jumps as she realizes Karen’s letter is on the coffee table in plain view.

Martha slowly moves forwards, positioning herself in between Joe and the coffee table so that the letter is out of his view. She couldn’t be more confused about what he’s so upset about, but she feels it wouldn’t be wise for him to know that Karen has been sending her letters all this time.  

“How did you find my apartment?” Martha asks, her brow furrowed with worry.

“That’s not important, what is important is you telling me where Karen is,” Joe says firmly as he finishes looking through the other rooms.

“I’m telling you I don't know!” Martha shouts firmly, having had enough of Joe’s insistence and invasion of her home. It had been comforting knowing that no one from back home knew where she was, but her bubble had been burst by this unexpected visit. Her sense of safety and anonymity has been punctured and she tries not to show that panic is bubbling inside of her.

Joe stares at her for a moment, before finally coming to understand that Martha seems to be telling the truth. His body language is jittery and on edge as he pulls his card from his pocket and smacks it onto the dinner table in frustration. 

“Give me a call when she shows up,” he says without looking at Martha, his tone more desperate than angry now, before closing the door firmly behind him.

Martha is left standing alone in her apartment, absolutely stunned as she tries to make sense of Joe’s words. Why doesn’t he know where Karen is, and why is he so confident that she had come to Martha of all people? They haven’t spoken in so long and she must be upset about never receiving a response in the mail, so why would she be with Martha? She’s left with more questions than answers and quickly locks her door. 

She presses her ear against the door to listen to Joe’s footsteps go down the stairs to make sure he’s gone. She had never seen him so agitated; it wasn’t like him even on his worst days. Usually it was Martha that was the temperamental one, especially when she was around Joe. 

Martha continues mulling over Joe’s impromptu visit as she picks up Karen’s letter and runs her fingers over the lettering. Other than how jarring it was to see Joe, she feels rather worried about Karen. Where could she be if not with Joe in Lancet?

She takes a deep breath as questions swirl around in her head. As she does so, she walks to her room and sits on her bed as she tucks the letter neatly into a basket underneath her nightstand, knowing she’ll likely read it a dozen more times in the upcoming days.

…

A few days pass and although she’s still anxious from Joe’s visit, her mind has quieted enough that she can try to function normally. 

She gets home just before four o’clock, and luckily this time isn’t drenched by rain. It had been a foggy day, but hadn’t poured like it had been for days. Martha likes the rain but only when she can watch it through her window, sitting in her chair with a cup of tea. Being in New York City traffic, or walking home from the grocery store is not fun in the rain.

With relaxed movements, Martha moves through her apartment, hanging up her coat and making herself a cup of tea to warm herself up. Just as she sits down, she hears a knock at the door. 

With slow movements, she moves closer to the door and wishes more than ever that it had a peephole. Expecting Joe to burst in again, she opens the door slowly. 

Her shoulders immediately relax and her panicked eyes morph into an eye roll, “Oh, it’s just you.”

“That’s no way to greet your best friend, is it?” Chuck says, feigning offense as he follows Martha inside. 

Chuck, short for Charles, was the first friend Martha had made when she arrived in the city. He leans on the doorway with his effortless charm, his brown hair is slicked back, and he’s wearing his signature blue jeans and leather jacket. However, his Tennessee roots are evident in his worn cowboy boots and his smooth southern drawl. He had once lived in a small town in Tennessee before leaving when he realized he couldn’t possibly make a life for himself there as a gay man. He had arrived in New York six years prior and is now a bartender at the Julius bar.

Part of the reason why they get along so well is because of how opposite they are. Chuck is an extroverted, gay man and Martha is a lesbian that would much rather stay home than anything. However, Chuck always finds a way to convince Martha to go out. It annoys her but she’s secretly grateful for him. She needs a little push every now and then and he definitely gives her that.

“Don’t get too comfortable, I’m planning on having a wonderfully solitary evening to myself,” Martha calls from the kitchen with a laugh.

“Martha, has anyone ever told you that you need to loosen up?” Chuck asks as he sits on the couch and kicks his feet up on the coffee table, his leather jacket scrunching up as he leans back.

“You have, about a thousand times I’m sure,” Martha mumbles before bringing a second cup of tea to the living room and handing it to Chuck. 

“Oh, you love me, admit it,” Chuck says with a smile as he graciously takes the mug from Martha who smiles in return but sighs as she pushes his feet off the coffee table. He rolls his eyes playfully despite how he loves their banter. He thinks to himself about how long it took for him to pierce Martha’s armored heart, and get her to open up to him about her past. 

She walks around the coffee table and sits in her chair across from Chuck, taking a sip of her own tea and sighing at how good it feels to be able to relax after yet another long day. It had been a long week. Between work and the panic of seeing Joe again after so many years, her mind is in need of a break.

“What’s wrong?” Chuck inquires, always somehow knowing when to tease her and when to be sincere. It makes Martha feel good that someone knows her so well. The only other person who could gauge her mood in that way was Karen. 

Martha looks up from her tea, “Nothing, I’m fine.”

“Come on, Martha. I’ve known you long enough to know that’s not true. What’s eatin’ at you?” he replies softer this time, his eyebrows scrunched slightly. He can always tell something is up and much to Martha’s chagrin, he never drops it until Martha speaks her mind.

Martha had told Chuck about her old friend Karen, and about their unique situation, years prior when he had gotten her wine drunk at his apartment. Part of her had wished she didn’t tell him. Someone else knowing about it made it too real, and she can’t afford to think about Karen more than she already does.

“I’m just tired. The children have gone wild with the rain. Being deprived of recess for an entire week has driven them mad. I think they might be organizing a coup,” Martha chuckles tiredly, deflecting with humor in hopes that Chuck buys it.

He doesn’t, but he decides not to probe further, sensing that she didn’t want to talk about it. He figures he’ll have ample opportunity to squeeze it out of her later, perhaps when drinks are involved.

“Well, I have a perfect solution,” Chuck smirks mischievously, “Tomorrow night we’re all meeting at Julius. You have to come.”

“I can’t, I’m sorry. I’m exhausted and I should get some grading done…” Martha trails off.

“Please, Martha!” Chuck pauses before continuing carefully, “I know you’ve said you don’t want to, but you should give dating another try. You never know, maybe you’ll find a pretty girl at Julius tomorrow,” Chuck begs, wanting Martha to not be so gloomy all the time.

Martha bites her lip as she listens to her friend. She really doesn’t feel like dating again. She had tried to, a year into living in the city, wanting to forget everything that happened, but she couldn’t do it. The women she dated were lovely and she enjoyed their company, but it always came back to Karen. Nothing about dating felt right and Martha had come to the conclusion that she wasn’t meant to date. Her heart was already filled with Karen and nothing else would fit.

With recent events bringing Karen back to the forefront of Martha’s mind, she figures she does need a distraction. Maybe Chuck is right and this will help her finally move on from Karen. She thinks to herself that she can’t spend her entire life pining after a married woman who only sees her as a friend. It isn’t fair to either of them.

Martha lets out a breath before speaking, “Alright, I’ll come.”

Chuck grins widely before getting up and pulling Martha into a hug, “Meet us at our booth at seven. And don’t you dare think about backing out,” he says with an eyebrow raised as he takes one last drink of his tea and sets it on the coffee table. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Martha concedes as she leans back and watches her friend leave with a smile. After Chuck closes the door behind him, Martha grabs his cup and carries it to the sink. As she starts to wash it, she thinks about what he had said. Truthfully, thinking about dating again puts a pit in her stomach. But she figures that the least she can do is try, for Chuck’s sake. He won’t stop pestering her until she gives it another shot, and what’s the worst that can happen?

As she finishes drying the cup, she hears yet another knock on her door. Thinking it must be Chuck again, she rolls her eyes and puts the cup in the cabinet before walking to the other room.

“Did you forget something?” Martha chuckles before opening the door. 

All at once, the world seems to stop as Martha stares out through the doorway. Blue eyes meet brown and Martha realizes she has forgotten how to breathe. 

“Hello, Martha,” Karen says softly while smiling brightly. Her eyes are wide and there’s an odd sense of surprise written in her features, as if she had half expected to not find Martha there.

Martha tries to say hello back but nothing comes out. She almost feels dizzy as she stares at Karen with wide eyes and an open mouth. Despite the passage of time, Karen looks just as she did the last time Martha saw her. The only difference is that her hair is down at her shoulders instead of in her quintessential bun. Her gorgeous smile makes Martha’s heart flutter and despite the guilt for feeling that way, and confusion about why Karen is here, Martha is just happy to see her friend.

Chapter Text

Four years ago

Karen slipped out of bed and threw on her robe. The house was quiet and still, nauseatingly so. Nothing had felt right ever since the girls were all taken away by their parents, and the cold hallways put a pit in Karen’s stomach. She tried to tell herself that things would be alright now that she married Joe, just as Martha said, but she wasn’t so sure anymore.

In an attempt to quiet her mind, she walked to the kitchen and made a pot of tea. She was surprised that she didn't find Martha already sitting at the table, reading through her round glasses and humming to herself. She smiled at the thought but then furrowed her brow as she looked at the clock. Martha never sleeps this late, she thinks to herself.

Martha had been so distant lately, despite the innocence and financial retribution they had received from Mrs. Tilford which they had evenly split. Karen figured it had to do with the fact that she would be moving in with Joe soon, and she admitted that she didn’t look forward to being away from Martha either. Regardless of what had Martha sleeping in this morning, Karen decided to try to cheer her up a bit. She poured two cups of tea and carried them up the stairs to Martha’s room. She knocked gently and when she received no answer, she opened the door with her elbow while holding the two cups of tea. 

She entered the room with a slight smile, expecting to see a sleepy Martha turning over and thanking her for the tea. Her smile slowly drops as she looks around the room. The room was bare and all the decor on the walls was missing. But most importantly, Martha was nowhere to be found.

Karen set the cups down on Martha’s desk and quickly walked over to the wardrobe. She threw its doors open, her eyes widening more as she searched the room and realized that Martha had taken all of her things with her. She wasn’t planning on coming back.

Confusion filled her mind and as she sat at the edge of Martha’s bed, her eyes spotted a small envelope that had been placed on top of the blankets. She ran her finger over her name which was printed in Martha’s handwriting, stalling because she knew the letter was going to rip her heart out.

The letter was rather succinct, but only because Martha simply had too much she wanted to say so she decided not to say most of it. She figured the less information she gave, the easier it would be for Karen to forget her and move on.

Karen read the letter, gathering that Martha had left on the train and that she believed that this was for the best. She covered her mouth as tears started to form in her eyes. Her gaze shifted to the end of the note and she was barely able to discern the words through her tears.

There’s nothing here for me now and there never will be. Now that you’re married, you can sell this old house and start your life. This is why I cannot stay; I won’t let you be held down by my sin any longer. I admit that I’m a coward for not being able to face you to say goodbye, but this is how it must go. You’ve been a good friend to me, and I’m sorry that I’ll always love you. Goodbye, Karen.

Karen sobbed as she reached the end of the note. The realization that she didn’t know where Martha had gone off to, created a dull ache in her chest. She was quickly overcome with longing for Martha, for an embrace from Martha. It took her by surprise and merely heightened the loss she was feeling. 

Her eyes searched the room again, her brows furrowed as she looked at the wall where their graduation picture once hung. Her gaze then settled on something draped over the back of the desk chair. She crossed the room and picked it up, immediately realizing it was Martha’s robe and that she must have forgotten to pack it.

She slowly lifted the robe, clutching it for dear life as it was the only thing left of her friend. The only evidence that she had once occupied this room. She brought it to her face and tears escaped her eyes as she smelled Martha’s scent on the garment. It simultaneously comforted her and broke her heart, making her wish things had been different so that Martha would have stayed.

She sat back down on the bed as she held the robe close to her, wiping her tears. She shifted slightly to hold it tighter but stopped when she heard a faint crinkle. Her eyes drifted down to the pocket of the robe and after slipping her hand inside, she brought out a crudely folded piece of paper. As she opened it, she realized it was much different from Martha’s goodbye note. It was crumpled and had tear stains that had caused some of the lettering to bleed together.

Karen read through the note that she hadn’t been supposed to read after all, and gasped as she realized what sort of letter it was. The last line knocked the wind out of her as panic set in entirely. 

I’ve always loved you, but I’ve brought you and myself nothing but heartache. It seems that death is the only cure. I hope you forgive me.

With all my love forever, Martha.

…

Martha realizes she’s been staring at Karen for far too long and that she needs to say something. She swallows hard, trying to get her mouth to form words as Karen looks at her with an equal amount of complexity.

“Would you like to come in?” Martha asks quietly, not knowing what else to say, as she opens the door wider. Karen nods nervously and picks up a suitcase at her feet, setting it next to the door as Martha closes it. She holds her hands in front of her anxiously as she watches Martha’s every move. 

“Karen…” Martha starts as she turns around but before she can get another word out, Karen swiftly steps forward, pulling Martha into a tight embrace. Martha melts into the hug as she breathes in the smell of Karen’s perfume. She closes her eyes at the familiar scent to prevent herself from letting out tears. Karen’s presence hits her like a truck and she realizes just how much she had needed to see her. To Martha, it feels like the sun has returned after four years of winter and she had forgotten what that warmth felt like. Surprisingly, it seems as though Karen was in need of the contact as much as she was, possibly more, as she clutches the fabric of Martha’s shirt.

Karen’s body shakes gently against Martha as she cries while they hold each other. Karen feels bad since she had planned to get at least a proper greeting out before falling apart in her friend’s arms. But when she saw Martha, standing there with gorgeous red strands highlighting her face, she couldn’t help but grab ahold of her. It’s been so long since she’s seen her, and with her unanswered letters, it had started to feel like Martha was a dream, a memory that her mind had made up. And deep down, she had been so terrified that she would discover something had happened to her, that seeing Martha standing before her was like a dream come true.

They pull apart after a long minute, and smile at each other through teary eyes. Martha is surprised that Karen is so happy to see her, especially after she had ignored her for so long. She doesn’t feel like she deserves such a greeting. 

“My…you look wonderful Martha,” Karen comments as she holds onto Martha’s arms and gets a good look at her. Karen glances at her hair which is a bit longer and falls in loose waves that frame her face nicely. She smiles at how fashionable Martha looks, in her sleek blouse and pants. But above all, she notices the look in Martha’s eyes. Her eyes are bright and alive, so much different from how they looked those few weeks before she left. She’s overjoyed to find that none of the sentiments from that crumpled note seem to still exist within the redhead.

Martha swallows hard as Karen’s eyes wander over her. She doesn’t think she’s changed much, but then again maybe she has. She supposes she dresses a bit differently now, partly the influence of her friends and living in the city, and partly because she now has money to spare for new clothes. But more importantly, she stands a bit taller these days. Ever since leaving Lancet, it felt easier to exist and feel at home in her skin. Without a town full of people who think they know everything about you, Martha had come into herself a lot over the past handful of years and she was proud of the quiet confidence she had developed.

“Thank you, so do you,” Martha replies with a smile as her eyes run over all of Karen’s features that she had committed to memory years ago, her breath hitching as she feels Karen squeeze her arm. God, she had missed her.

Karen’s gaze drops as Martha returns the compliment. She tries to ignore how warm her face feels as Martha glances over her.  Martha’s brow furrows as she thinks she sees a blush on Karen’s cheeks before she looks up again, this time at their surroundings. 

“Goodness, your apartment is beautiful,” Karen says as she looks around the room, smiling at the little homey details that scream Martha.

“It’s not much but it’s home,” Martha says nervously as she leads Karen to the couch where they sit next to each other. 

They sit in silence for a moment as Karen regards Martha. A smile tinges her lips but her eyes are sad. She looks like she hasn’t been getting much sleep and Martha remembers what Joe had said. She needs to get answers but is afraid of what Karen might say.

“What are you doing here, Karen?” Martha asks, interrupting the silence and hoping she doesn’t sound accusatory. She’s overjoyed to see her friend again, but why has she come to New York now? Why had Joe known she would come, and why was he so angry?

Karen sighs and shakes her head, “I don’t have an answer for that, because I don’t know,” she pauses before raising her eyes to Martha’s, “All I know is that I had to leave and…I missed you,” she says, getting choked up at the end, her lower lip trembling as she tries to hide it with a smile. She of course knows deep down why she came, but she’s terrified to even speak it into the world. She feels as though once she says it, it will be irreversibly real and tangible. 

Karen writing that she misses her, and Karen saying it in the flesh are two very different things and Martha fights tears that threaten to escape onto her cheeks. She marvels at the fact that Karen still misses her, after all these years. Somehow, along the way, she had forgotten that Karen had cared for her so much. Her mind back then was too clouded by her love for Karen and her shame for what she had brought upon their lives. 

“I missed you too,” Martha says, it coming out as a whisper, almost scared to admit it out loud.

“You don’t have to lie to make me feel better Martha,” Karen chuckles as she wipes her eyes again, “I got the hint after the first ten letters I sent. I know it’s silly for me to come here after all this time but…”

“It’s not silly at all. I’m really glad to see you,” Martha interrupts with a reassuring glance.

“You are?” Karen asks, her eyebrows downturned as her eyes fill with sadness and hope. The last four years were truly dreadful for Karen. She missed Martha more than anything and nothing she did helped. She tried to move on for a while but since she had stopped working, there was nothing to distract her. It was such a confusing sense of longing. Her mind teetering between wondering if Martha didn’t wish to see her again, or if she had done something to herself, had torn her apart for a long while. And all of this longing was punctuated by realizations about why she missed her friend so much.

It kills Martha to see how much this had been weighing on her. She truly hadn’t expected Karen to be so upset and foolishly assumed her lack of contact would make things better for the both of them. She sees now that that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Martha nods with a genuine look in her eyes as she places her hand comfortingly on Karen’s. Karen glances down at their hands, with an indiscernible look in her eyes. Martha panics and quickly pulls her hand back into her lap. She had forgotten for a moment who she was sitting next to, and that every touch between them has a different meaning. She makes a mental note to keep her hands to herself, both to make Karen more comfortable, and to keep her from wishing things were different.

“Joe paid me a visit,” Martha mentions, eager to know what was going on between them.

“What? When?” Karen asks, her body language shifting as she leans forward and her eyes widen. She assumed he would come try to find her eventually but wasn’t expecting him to find Martha before she did. It was true that she had been in the city for a few days, staying in a dirty motel. But it had taken her that time to breathe and muster the courage to show up at Martha’s door. 

She then remembers how many connections Joe has in New York from med school, and is sure that he made a few calls to find Martha’s address. 

“A few days ago, and he seemed to think that I was hiding you here,” Martha explains carefully.

Karen stares off in the distance as she processes what Martha said. The bags under her eyes are reminiscent of the ones she had the night Martha had confessed her love for her, and Martha’s eyebrows scrunch in worry.

“Karen, what’s going on?” Martha asks, her eyes flitting across Karen’s face.

Karen shifts her gaze towards Martha, her eyes looking exhausted as she seems lost in thought, “I’d rather not say. I want to, believe me, just not yet.” She knows she’ll need to explain everything to Martha but her stomach churns just thinking about it. She needs time to find the right words that won’t scare Martha away.

Martha nods, not wanting to pry and sensing that Karen needs time. Whatever happened between them seems very fresh and layered beyond what Martha has comprehension for. After all, it’s between Karen and Joe. 

Karen takes a deep breath and her smile returns, although the troubled look in her eyes remains, “For now, I just want to hear what you’ve been up to.” She had been wondering about Martha’s life in New York, ever since she left. She’d wonder if she was doing alright, if she was taking care of herself, and if she was happy. 

Martha smiles softly at Karen’s interest in her life. She hadn’t thought about ever having the opportunity to share what she had been doing all this time with her. She was the only person in the world outside of the city that she felt cared about what and how she was doing. She hadn’t spoken to Aunt Lily since she left either, and she planned to keep it that way. It feels so freeing for Lily not to know where to find her. When she didn’t show up for the trial, Martha had made her decision that she no longer considered Lily family. It was surprisingly liberating to not have any family, any obligations. When she thinks back, Karen was the closest thing Martha ever had to family for years and that was what made it even more painful to make herself leave her.

“I’ve been teaching again actually,” Martha says with a smile. She had been so devastated by everything that had happened with the school, and was convinced she’d never be let into a school again. But with their names cleared there wasn’t much holding her back from finding a position in the city. Life is much faster in New York, and she found that after they were exonerated, people were quick to move on to the next big story in the papers.

“Oh Martha, that’s wonderful,” Karen says with a grin as she gives Martha’s shoulder a squeeze. Martha smiles nervously even though her heart is still trying to catch up to the fact that Karen is sitting next to her, and is touching her. If Martha had reservations about initiating physical contact, Karen sure didn’t. She seemed eager to touch Martha’s shoulder and clutch her hand as they talked as though she was making up for lost time.

Karen notices the way Martha responds to her touch and she sheepishly lowers her hand. She wants more than anything to be affectionate but still isn’t sure where she stands with the redhead. She hadn’t answered any of her letters after all, and she’s worried that maybe Martha has moved on and doesn’t wish to be close in that way with Karen anymore.

Martha continues and describes her school and her students to Karen, sharing funny anecdotes about the trials and tribulations of teaching at a public school in New York. 

“I’ve missed teaching so very much. All I do is sit at home and count the hours until I can go to bed,” Karen chuckles but a seriousness lies underneath. Martha watches Karen’s features as her heart aches for her friend. Had her life truly become that unbearable?

Wanting to ease the tension, Martha decides to change the topic, “I even have friends if you’d believe it,” she says self-deprecatingly.

A smile returns to Karen’s face, “You’re kidding, what are they like?”

“They’re…never boring,” Martha says, unsure how to describe her friends without mentioning that they’re all homosexuals who flocked to the city for one reason or another, many of them similar to Martha’s situation. She isn’t sure how Karen would react to her being so open with her sexuality these days, and having friends that were the same, and worries that it would make her uncomfortable.

“I’m sure they’re wonderful, you have good taste in friends you know,” Karen says humorously as she raises her chin and tilts her head to the side. Martha laughs and her eyes soften as she realizes that Karen still considers her a friend, even after the way Martha had treated her. But Karen really is glad to hear that Martha has friends of her own. She can tell that she’s grown so much since the last time she saw her. As she watches Martha talk, she thinks to herself that confidence looks good on her, very good.

Karen looks at Martha for a moment, seeming like she has more to say but decides not to. Martha’s heart beats faster as Karen stares at her. She wonders what’s going on inside her head, and wishes that her heart would stop reminding her of how much she still loves Karen.

“Well, I better be off. I have to check into my hotel by six,” Karen says as she checks her watch and gets up, walking towards the door and picking up her suitcase.

“Where are you staying?” Martha inquires, not wanting Karen to leave so soon and trying not to look so eager for Karen to stay longer.

“The New York Inn. I was staying at another place last night but it was so dreadful that I called first thing this morning to book a room somewhere else,” Karen chuckles tiredly.

“I’m afraid the New York Inn won’t be much better,” Martha says with a sympathetic chuckle before impulsively deciding to speak again, “Why don’t you stay here? I don’t like the idea of you staying in that area. It gets dicey at night.”

“That’s very kind Martha, but I wouldn’t want to put you out,” Karen says, although touched by Martha’s concern for her safety. And it gives her butterflies to hear Martha ask her to stay.

“You wouldn’t be. Please stay, I insist,” Martha replies, wanting to keep Karen around for as long as possible, even though it makes her nervous.

“Alright, thank you” Karen says with a slight smirk as she tucks her hair behind her ear and sets her suitcase down. Martha can’t help but notice how distracted the brunette is and her mind wanders to what that could mean, but she concludes that it’s because of whatever issues she has with Joe. It didn’t have anything to do with Martha. It couldn’t.

Martha distracts herself by asking Karen if she had eaten dinner yet. The brunette says no so Martha heats up some soup she had made the day before. 

Karen smiles as she finishes her bowl, and the bread that Martha had heated up in the oven. 

“I missed your cooking. I’m still terrible at it as ever,” Karen says as she leans back in her chair. 

Martha laughs, remembering the time Karen had tried to help her out with the cooking detail and nearly burnt the farmhouse to the ground.

“How long will you be in the city? Maybe we can take a cooking class while you’re here,” Martha says as she carries their bowls to the sink.

“Indefinitely,” Karen says firmly, “I’ll need to start looking for an apartment soon. We’ll have plenty of time to take a cooking class,” Karen says with an excited smile as she thinks about living on her own, away from that horrible town.

“You mean, you’re moving to New York?” Martha inquires, stopping in her tracks, the puzzle of what Karen was doing there only becoming more convoluted. 

Karen nods her head, a nervous look in her eyes as she realizes Martha might not want her to move to the same city as her. It was hard enough to realize she loved Martha only after she had left, but not hearing from her for four years and wondering if Martha still loves her had eaten her up inside. The not knowing was horrible and only made her realization of her love for Martha even harder to reckon with.

Despite Martha’s confusion, she’s ecstatic at the idea of Karen being so close, of being able to see her regularly and have their friendship back. She knows she’ll have to keep her feelings at bay, but for her it’s worth it to have Karen back in her life. There was no use depriving herself of Karen when it obviously had only hurt both of them.

“We’ll have all the time in the world to catch up,” Martha smiles, her eyes lighting up as she thinks about all the things they’ll do in the city. But will Joe be moving with Karen? She isn’t sure and he obviously was upset about Martha’s influence on Karen so she doesn’t get too hopeful about how much time they’ll get to spend together. 

Karen smirks lightly as Martha seems to light up at the fact that she’s moving to New York. She watches her as she turns back around to wash the dishes. She gets up and follows her, taking the dishes as she finishes them and dries them for her. They enjoy comfortable silence as they fall into their old routine of doing the dishes together.

As Martha hands the last plate to Karen, she turns to look at her. She watches as she dries the plate and places it delicately into the cabinet. Her eyes droop with exhaustion but a content smile remains on her lips.

“You should go to bed, you look exhausted,” Martha says as she raises her brow.

“Oh but it’s so early,” Karen says sadly, feeling as if she had just gotten there. 

“We’ll have lots of time to catch up, remember?” Martha says with a smile, “I work tomorrow but we’ll go out to dinner when I get home?”

“That sounds lovely,” Karen replies, a wide smile spreads across her face.

Martha then leads Karen to the bathroom so that she can get dressed for bed. Karen grabs her nightgown from her suitcase and closes the bathroom door behind her. She comes out a couple minutes later with her nightgown on and a clean face. She finds Martha in her bedroom, making her bed and setting aside a pillow and blanket. She’s now dressed for bed as well, and Karen can’t help but stare at the redhead in admiration. 

Karen stands against the doorway as she peers into Martha’s room, watching Martha make the bed before glancing away at the rest of the room when her heartbeat quickens. The room is very neat and has a few paintings hung up on the walls. She walks inside, looking around at the decor. She smiles as she recognizes a ceramic pumpkin sitting on Martha’s shelf. Karen had bought it years ago for Martha’s birthday from a booth at a fair when they were in college and she had kept it ever since. At the time Karen had wished she could have gotten Martha something nicer but she simply didn’t have the money. Martha used to have it on her shelf back in Lancet, and it warms Karen’s heart to know that Martha liked it enough to keep it all this time, even after moving.

Martha turns her head as she sees Karen come into the room. She isn’t sure why but something about Karen being in her bedroom makes her feel nervous. There isn’t anything especially private about her room, but it certainly made her feel funny inside to see Karen walking around her room in only a nightgown.

“Alright, that should do it. I’ll just be on the couch if you need anything,” Martha says with a sweet but nervous smile as she grabs her blanket and pillow.

“I couldn’t possibly take your bed Martha,” Karen says, realizing that Martha had been making the bed for her, “I should be the one to sleep on the couch.”

“Don’t be silly Karen, you need the rest and you deserve a proper bed,” Martha reassures Karen as she moves across the room so that Karen can get into bed.

Karen concedes reluctantly, although she admits she does need the rest. She’s physically and mentally drained and figures one night will be alright. She sits on the side of the bed and thanks Martha before something catches her eyes. She spots a basket full of letters and recognizes the lettering on the one on the top of the pile. She carefully pulls it out and realizes that it was the letter she had sent almost two weeks prior. Upon further inspection she realizes that the entire basket is filled with her letters.

Just as Martha turns to leave she sees Karen notice the basket. She holds her breath, hoping Karen won’t think it’s odd for her to keep her letters at the side of her bed.

“You kept my letters?” Karen asks with her mouth agape.

Martha smiles regretfully, “Every last one.”

“I always assumed you threw them out,” Karen chuckles sadly, “I thought I was insane to show up here tonight because surely if you hadn’t responded to my letters, you likely wouldn’t want to see me either.”

“That’s not true. Every time your letters came in the mail I had to tell myself not to drive straight to Lancet to see you,” Martha admits with a sad laugh.

“I wish you would have,” Karen says, even though she knows why Martha didn’t. She didn’t want to cause more rumors, and even though it didn’t feel like it at the time, she thought she was protecting Karen.

Karen shakes her head as she closes her eyes, “You left three days after the wedding, and you didn’t even say goodbye.”

Martha’s heart sinks as she listens to Karen’s words. She had been so wrapped up in her shame and heartache back then to see her actions clearly. She had wanted to give her a proper goodbye but knew that if Karen asked her to, she would have stayed. She didn’t even consider that her leaving would hurt Karen, she only thought it would make it easier for her to move on with her life.

Karen finds the courage to continue, knowing that this is something she needs to get out.

“That morning you left, I found your note,” she says, looking down at her hands, “The one in the pocket of your robe.”

Martha’s heart falls to the bottom of her stomach as she realizes what note she’s talking about. She had forgotten about it until just now, and realizes she had forgotten to throw it away. However, part of her knows why she hadn’t thrown it out. She thought there was still a possibility that she would need it.

“Oh Karen…” she starts with her mouth hanging open and her eyes welling with tears, “I’m so sorry. I thought that was the only way to make things better. I can see now how wrong I was. Please forgive me.”

I hope you forgive me…

Karen thinks back to how Martha had written that in the final part of the note. God her heart hurts but at the same time she couldn’t be more happy to see Martha, living and breathing.

“Of course I forgive you. I could never be mad at you, I was only ever mad at myself for not being able to convince you to stay,” Karen says as her lip quivers and before she knows it tears fall from her eyes. Martha comes to her side quickly, wrapping her arm around her shoulder as she sits next to her. She understands the double meaning of Karen’s words and she can’t begin to imagine how Karen must have felt all these years. Guilt consumes her and all she can do is offer her an embrace.

Karen sobs into Martha’s chest, her body shaking as she lets out four years worth of heartache and emotions that break Martha’s heart. She tries to reign in her tears but it only makes her cry harder. She lets herself sob against Martha, and feeling her arms around her makes her feel the safest she’s felt in years.

All Martha can do is hold Karen and comfort her. Karen had done the same for her many times back in the day, even after she had told her that she had been in love with her for years. She’s glad to return the favor, even though she is to blame for her pain.

Martha stays at her side until her sobs slow down and her tears leave a drenched spot on Martha’s shirt. Karen’s breathing slows and finally pulls her head up from Martha’s shoulder. Martha gives Karen a soft hug before pulling the comforter up and around Karen’s body. She can’t help but blush at the way Karen looks up at her, her dark eyes staring at her with an adoration that she hadn’t seen in years. She’s beginning to remember why it was so easy for her to fall in love with Karen.

She eventually turns the light out and says goodnight, retreating to the living room as she settles into the couch for the night. Despite her tiredness from the workday and from her emotions, sleep does not find her until the late hours of night. Her mind refuses to let her rest and continuously brings her back to the way Karen had looked at her when she first opened the door. God she’s gorgeous and Martha feels just as she did in her room at the farmhouse, longing for her friend that will never be hers.

Chapter Text

Martha walks down the rows of desks, handing out worksheets to her students as they start to pack up their things.

“Alright everyone, take these home tonight and have them finished by Monday morning,” she projects her voice so that everyone can hear her before returning to her desk just at the bell rings. Children jump up, grab their bags and filter out of the classroom. 

Usually she would stay at least a couple more hours to work on her lesson plans and grading but today she packs up immediately. She tells herself that she has the whole weekend to do work, but the truth is that she wants to get home as soon as possible to see a certain someone.

This morning when she came into her room to grab an outfit to change into, her stomach filled with butterflies as she was met with the sight of Karen sleeping peacefully in her bed. It was such an intimate sight to see Karen tucked comfortably under her comforter, when just twenty-four hours prior she had still been under the impression that she’d never see her again.

Martha tries not to think about how funny it made her feel to see Karen in her bed, and grabs her bag before heading out the classroom. She drives home and luckily doesn’t get caught in too much traffic. She rushes to get home partly because she feels bad for having left Karen alone in her apartment all day, and partly because she’s eager to spend more time with her. She had left a note telling her to eat anything in the fridge, and left her spare key on the counter in case she wanted to go anywhere before Martha got back.

It felt so odd yet so familiar to leave with Karen sleeping peacefully in her room. It reminds her of when they shared a studio apartment in college, and she tries to ignore how pleased it makes her feel knowing she’s coming home to Karen.

She opens up the door to her apartment and carefully sets her things down next to the door before walking into the kitchen. As she walks through the apartment and looks around for Karen, she realizes that everything has been completely cleaned. It wasn’t dirty before, Martha is quite neat, but it’s now spotless.

While looking around at the pristine kitchen, Martha turns around as she hears familiar footsteps coming down the hall. 

“Oh you’re home! I hope you don’t mind but I cleaned while you were gone, as a thank you for letting me stay,” Karen says as she leans on the door frame with a wide grin on her face.

Martha’s eyes widen and her mouth falls open as she sees Karen. Her hair that once fell below her shoulders, is now cut just along her jawline. Her bangs were cut shorter and her hair fell in neat strands, tucked behind her ears. Martha gawks at Karen not only because of how beautiful she looks, but because of how worldly the cut is. It was definitely not a haircut that one would typically see back home, and it was more of a cut that one would see in the city or in Paris.

“Y-Your hair…” Martha sputters out as she can’t help but stare.

“Do you like it? I think the barber thought I was mad when I told him how short I wanted it,” Karen says with a chuckle, clearly very happy with her decision, although nervous at the same time, hoping Martha likes it. She feels like a school girl cutting her hair to impress her crush.

“I love it,” Martha admits with a smile. It’s the shortest she’s ever seen Karen’s hair but it fits her so well. Her heartbeat quickens as she admires Karen’s new look. 

Karen smiles in return, and once again a light smirk forms on her lips as they share a moment of eye contact. It makes Martha’s stomach frenzy with butterflies and Karen eventually breaks their gaze as she looks down at her hands.

“Martha, I want to thank you for last night, and apologize,” Karen says finally, her eyebrows scrunched slightly. She felt so guilty for unleashing all her emotions on Martha. It feels unfair and she can’t shake the feeling.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. I should be apologizing for the mess I made of things,” Martha assures before squeezing Karen’s shoulder affectionately. She makes sure to convey her sincerity in her gaze. After all, she figures Karen wouldn’t have felt so poorly if she would’ve gotten over her fears and responded to her letters. 

“It’s all in the past,” Karen says as she takes a deep breath and nods before they change the topic. 

Karen tells Martha about how she explored the area after cleaning the house. Martha can tell that she’s feeling better after getting some sleep and getting her haircut. Her presence felt lighter today and her eyes aren’t quite as sad as they were the night before.

The pair end up grabbing their coats and leaving to go on a walk around the neighborhood. Martha expressed her need for fresh air after being cooped up inside the school all day, and Karen was glad to be able to see the area with Martha this time.

Martha shows Karen the route she walks to get to the main stretch of shops, pointing to places she thinks Karen will like along the way. Karen’s eyes are bright as they walk along the sidewalk, walking side by side with Martha. Martha fidgets slightly at how close Karen is and how often their shoulders rub against each other. She flinches at first, worried about how the closeness will be perceived by Karen. Her worries are pushed aside as Karen pays no mind to it and instead grabs onto Martha’s arm as they stop in front of a clothing store. 

Martha takes a deep breath to avoid panicking at Karen’s affectionate grip around her arm, as they walk inside the store and start to look around. The shop is rather small but it is neatly organized with rows of chic dresses, blouses, and skirts. They look around for a while until Karen slows to a stop. Martha watches as she pulls a dress off the rack and smooths her hand over the fabric in admiration.

“What do you think?” Karen asks as she bites her lip and holds the dress against her body.

It’s truly a very pretty dress, with its sleek black fabric and smoothly cut neckline, but Martha knows it will look even better with Karen wearing it. 

“I think it’s very you,” Martha says with lowered eyes and a smile. She catches herself being perhaps overly amorous, forgetting how to act after years of not having to hide her attraction from the women she was fond of. She finds herself needing to remember not to make it known that she still loves Karen, but with how touchy and kind Karen had been, it’s proving to be most difficult. 

Karen grins and sighs as she looks down at the dress in her hands. After a moment of admiring it she places it back on the rack and turns back to Martha, “Once I can afford it, I’m going to buy a whole new wardrobe,” she says adamantly.

“Well why don’t you let me buy it for you,” Martha says as she pulls the dress out, knowing how much Karen had fallen in love with the dress.

“No Martha, it’s too much,” Karen says firmly, not wanting to be a bigger burden on Martha than she already had been. Even when they had little to no spare money, Martha always made a point to make exceptions to treat Karen to something they could afford. She would always have to buy things behind Karen’s back because she would always protest. 

“We never got around to getting you new clothes, when we were ninety dollars ahead for the first time. Just think of it as a welcome to New York gift,” Martha says, glad that she has the money now to spoil Karen. She deserves it more than anyone and Martha is just glad to have her around again.

Karen blushes at Martha remembering that she had wanted her to get new clothes years ago, when they had just started making a profit on their school. After some more squabbling, she finally allows Martha to buy her the dress, and she even convinces her to let her buy her a blouse and pants that she had been eying. The woman at the counter rings them up and wraps the clothes neatly in a piece of tissue paper before placing them in a white paper bag with dainty gold lettering on the front. 

They walk slowly back to the apartment with their arms interlocked and smiles on their faces as they talk about anything and everything, just enjoying each other’s company.

“Do you remember when we went to that party our senior year?” Karen asks amusedly.

“Which one?” Martha jokes, recalling how Karen would drag her to lots of parties that year. She rolls her eyes in joking annoyance, even though she would have gone to every party Karen asked her to.

“The one where we spent half the night hiding from that boy from our literature course,” Karen says, thinking back to the fun times they had back then.

“Oh yes, it was the beginning of December and we nearly froze to death walking home because you didn’t want to get trapped in a conversation with him,” Martha laughs.

“Well it was better than waiting around for him to ask me to dinner,” Karen says with a shudder, “anyway it worked out for you. I always had to beg you to go to those parties but you’d probably rather freeze than socialize,” she says with a playful squeeze of Martha’s arm.

Martha shakes her head in feigned offense, “If you keep teasing me I won’t take you to dinner tonight.”

“Oh you like when I tease you,” Karen replies in a sultry voice that Martha had never heard before. It makes her cheeks warm and she tries to tell herself that she’s just hearing what she wants to hear. Karen’s face reddens as soon as it leaves her mouth, but upon seeing a blush form on Martha’s cheeks, she smiles to herself. She had been praying that Martha hadn’t moved on and that her confession from years prior was still true, and Martha’s rosy cheeks give her hope.

They soon arrive at the apartment building and hurry inside. As they enter Martha turns on the radiator to warm them from the cold air outside. Karen sits on the couch and rubs her hands together to get warm.

Martha checks her watch and sees it’s almost six, “We should probably go to dinner soon, what do you feel like eating?”

“I’m not sure, where do you and your friends like to go?” Karen inquires, wondering what sorts of people Martha acquaints herself with these days. 

Martha is about to answer when she puts her hand on her forehead in sudden recollection. She curses under her breath as she checks her watch again and bites her lip in thought.

“What is it?” Karen asks worriedly.

“I forgot that I promised my friends that I’d go out with them tonight. I better call to cancel before it’s too late,” Martha says as she crosses the room and picks up the phone. It had completely slipped her mind once Karen arrived. Nothing else really mattered once she opened her door and her eyes met Karen’s. 

“You don’t have to cancel Martha, remember we’ll have plenty more opportunities to have dinner,” Karen says with a smile, “If your friends wouldn’t mind, perhaps I can come along. I’d love to meet them.”

Martha lowers the phone and wracks her brain for a reason to convince Karen that they should cancel. It’s not that she doesn’t want to introduce Karen to her friends but it terrifies her to consider the possibility of introducing her to her openly homosexual friends, or of what she might think. 

“Well…I’m sure they wouldn’t mind but…they aren’t the sort of people you’d meet in Lancet,” Martha says vaguely, not knowing how to explain.

“Well, then I like them already,” Karen says with an eyebrow raise as she keys in on Martha’s hesitancy.

“I’m just not sure if you’d like the bar we go to. It’s a bit…different.”

“How so?” Karen inquires further, her head tilts as she tries to read Martha’s body language.

“It’s a bar for…” Martha starts but her words get caught in her throat. It’s been so long since she first confessed her feelings to Karen and she realizes that having to acknowledge it after all these years is hard, and she’s terrified that she’ll unintentionally push Karen away, when she had barely gotten her back.

“It’s a bar for what?”

“For…people like me. For homosexuals,” Martha says finally.

“Oh…well, I’d still love to come if you’ll have me,” Karen says firmly, her expression never showing an ounce of disgust or discomfort. However, a feeling of excitement and nervousness runs through her as she thinks about going to such a place, and about seeing Martha there.  

Karen seems a bit nervous but Martha doesn’t detect any discomfort at all and she lets out a breath she wasn’t aware she had been holding. Part of her had feared that Karen would remember what Martha is and not want anything to do with her.

“Are you sure?” Martha asks, wanting to make sure Karen isn’t just being polite.

“Of course,” Karen says with her eyebrows furrowed as she realizes that Martha had thought that she would react poorly, “Martha, you know don’t you, that you don’t need to be afraid of me? I don’t want you to think that I’m anything like the people back in Lancet,” she says softly as she places her hand on top of Martha’s.

Martha nods and takes a deep breath as she listens to Karen’s words. She’s worried that she’ll start crying if she hears any more so she smiles with teary eyes, “I know. Thank you Karen.”

The two of them part as Martha retreats to her room to get ready, and Karen slips into the bathroom to do the same. It doesn’t take Martha very long to get ready, and as she finishes slipping on a blouse and a pair of slacks, she puts some jewelry on and leaves her room. She sits on the couch as she waits for Karen and thinks about their afternoon together. 

Her mind can’t help but wonder about how affectionate Karen had been. She hadn’t been shy with touching Martha and clinging to her side as they walked through the city. Her cheeks had flushed on occasion and her tone earlier wouldn’t leave Martha's mind. She can’t help but draw comparisons between the behavior of women she had gone on dates with, and the behavior of Karen. She rubs her eyes as she tries to push the thought out of her mind. The longer she lets herself fantasize about Karen Cardin, the harder it is to shut it off. 

After a moment of reading a magazine to distract her mind, Karen comes out of the bathroom and walks down the hall to the living room. Martha looks up and is met with a sight that takes her breath away. Karen is wearing a black blouse and trousers that Martha had bought her earlier and she marvels at how good they look on her. Her new haircut coupled with the blouse being unbuttoned at the top, makes Martha’s head swim.

Karen smirks as she notices the way Martha is looking at her, “Ready?” she asks as she fixes the cuffs of her sleeves with a smirk. She swallows hard under Martha’s gaze, and the look in her eyes does wonders for Karen’s confidence. 

Martha closes her mouth and nods before getting up and leading Karen out the door. They make it downstairs and Martha drives them through the city. It doesn’t take long for them to arrive at the Julius Bar. The window says Julius in green lettering and people filter in through the heavy dark brown door. Martha leads Karen inside and to the very back where their usual table is. The bar is fairly packed with all sorts of people and Karen looks around in quiet wonder as she follows Martha. She spots two women sitting together, kissing with their arms wrapped around each other. She had never seen anything like it and to Martha’s surprise, she doesn’t look away in disgust but rather seems as though she can’t pull her eyes away.

Karen wonders if Martha had ever kissed a woman in public like that, and her stomach churns at the thought. She feels guilty for feeling so jealous, and guilty for imagining herself kissing Martha like that.

As they reach the back, Martha is greeted boisterously by a group sitting around a large table. Karen smiles at how happy Martha’s friends are to see her, and how much she seems to have come out of her shell since she had last seen her. She watches as Martha hugs a couple of them and rolls her eyes at their hollering.

“Hey, look at what the cat dragged in!” a butch with short slicked back hair and a black blazer hollers over the music. Her name is Kay and she’s one of Martha’s closest friends other than Chuck. While she isn’t the sort of person that Martha would divulge her secrets to, she has a heart of gold and is very protective of the people she cares about.

“Long time no see, glad to see that Chuck convinced you to come,” a tall, thin woman says in a smooth voice as she gives Martha a hug. Celeste is her name and her beautiful languid motions are complimented by her dark silky hair that drapes over her exposed shoulders as she leans across the table.

“I’m very persuasive when I need to be,” Chuck says with a smirk.

Martha rolls her eyes and chuckles, “You all act as if I haven’t come to Julius in years. It’s only been a few weeks.”

Karen observes Martha with her friends contently, pleasantly surprised at how social Martha seems to be. The fact that it seems as though she usually comes out with them often, makes her happy. She deserves to have fun.

Martha’s friends all give her eyebrow raises as they take notice of the gorgeous brunette at her side. Martha usually clams up when the topic of dating comes up, and when she introduces Karen as her “friend” they raise their eyebrows further. Chuck stands up and hugs Martha, also giving her a look as he sees Karen that Martha ignores.

“This is my friend, Karen,” Martha says as she introduces Karen to her friends, listing their names nervously as they both sit down. Karen smiles and shakes their hands, not noticing as Chuck’s eyes go wide as he shoots a look at Martha.

Chuck immediately recognizes the name Karen from the story Martha had told him of the woman from her past. He presses his tongue on the inside of his cheek as he wonders what to make of this. When Martha had told him about Karen, she was drunk and feeling nostalgic. She dished out maybe more than she should have but Chuck leveled out the playing field by telling her a story from his past as well, which had made her feel better at the time.

He restrains himself from blurting anything out and instead leans over with a smirk and whispers to Martha, “You have good taste.”

Martha hits his arm and he laughs at her embarrassment as she glares at him. Chuck quits teasing her so that he can order them drinks so they can catch up with everyone else, and the group falls back into whatever conversation they had enthralled in before they arrived. 

Kay eventually dives into an intense story, chronicling a fight she got into at a different bar the night before. A couple of guys had come in looking for trouble and started shoving Kay around when they saw her kissing her girlfriend. Luckily the guys ran out when the owner of the bar noticed the commotion, but Kay says she won’t be returning to that bar for a while.

“You should’ve seen me, all I saw was red. I was like Martha two years ago,” Kay says with a stifled smirk. The rest of her friends laugh as they recall the story.

Martha shakes her head when she realizes what Kay is referring to. It wasn’t one of her proudest moments but it had become somewhat of a legend within their circle.

“What happened two years ago?” Karen inquires, seeing Martha clench her jaw embarrassedly.

“Martha and I were walking down the street after leaving Julius and a guy walks past us and calls us dykes,” Kay says nonchalantly, which tells Karen that this is a common occurrence for them, “And Martha had just ended things with a girl she was seeing and we had been drinking all night,” Kay says with emphasis as she remembers the hangover they had the next day.

Karen glances at Martha after hearing Kay mention that Martha had broken things off with a girl she had been seeing. She wonders if she loved her, and why things had ended, and more importantly if she was with anyone now. 

Martha looks at Karen nervously, wincing at the mention of her dating women, but is surprised to see a faint look of sadness in Karen’s eyes. She doesn’t know what to make of it but it disappears quickly as Karen continues listening to the story.

“But anyways, Martha stopped dead in her tracks and when the guy wouldn't take back what he said, bam! Martha gives him the best right hook I’ve ever seen,” Kay bursts out, laughing along with everyone else at the table.

“You hit him?” Karen asks with a chuckle as her mouth hangs open in surprise. It was true that Martha had always been a tad temperamental, but imagining her punching a man on the street floors her.

“I did but it was foolish. We had to run the rest of the way to my apartment to make sure he didn’t follow us,” Martha recalls with a chuckle, remembering how they had drunkenly sprinted down dark alley ways. It really had been quite dangerous but in the first couple of years in New York, she didn’t care about a thing. She threw caution to the wind much more often back then as she was still trying to move on from her past.

Karen looks down at her drink as she thinks about how scary that must've been, despite them making light of it. She wonders what else Martha had gone through in the last few years. What she would do to turn back time and have the courage to come looking for her sooner.

“That guy picked the wrong person to mess with that night. A heartbroken lesbian is a force to be reckoned with,” Celeste adds before downing the rest of her drink.

“I admit that I drank a little too much that night but I wasn’t heartbroken,” Martha rolls her eyes, “It’s never fun to have to break up with someone.”

“Yeah well I keep tellin’ you to get back out there,” Chuck says, his accent coming out even more as the drinks start hitting his system. He turns to Karen, “Martha’s like catnip to lesbians and yet she hasn’t dated in years,” Chuck jokes before Martha gives him that look again, prompting him to shut his mouth.

Karen laughs silently at Chuck but she looks over at Martha as she thinks about the fact that she hadn’t been dating recently. She wonders why that is and feels guilty for hoping that it has something to do with her.

The conversation eventually shifts as the group wants to get to know Karen more. She’s so very beautiful and charming, and Martha’s friends get along with her swimmingly, which pleases Martha very much. They ask her questions about how she’s liking the city and how she knows Martha. 

“We were roommates in college and taught together,” Karen pauses, not wanting to elaborate too much for Martha’s sake, “And I’m so very happy to be spending time with her,” she says as she shoots a gentle look at Martha.

This warms Martha’s heart and she takes a sip of her drink to quiet the immense love she has for Karen. At this rate she’ll be drunk in no time, so she leans back in her seat. Luckily the group doesn’t ask Karen to elaborate further, and Martha sighs in relief. She doesn’t feel like rehashing her past tonight, let alone putting Karen in the position of explaining the fall of their school to a group of strangers.

Karen knows Martha better than anyone, and can tell that Martha hadn’t told all of them what had happened. She’s much too private for that and much too stubborn to make her struggles known. 

“I’m glad Martha brought you! She needs to get out more,” Chuck says, breaking Karen out of her thoughts, as he leans towards her and raises his eyebrows at Martha teasingly.

Martha rolls her eyes with a grin, “Not everyone works nights at a bar Chuck, some of us have to get up with the sun.”

“Well I’d much rather deal with drunks than children,” Chuck responds.

“In my experience, there’s not much difference between the two,” Karen adds before taking a drink and giving Martha a look. 

Chuck laughs, “Martha I think I like your friend more than you, you should bring her around more often.”

Martha shoots a smile at Karen, “I think I will.” To think that Karen was going to be around more often now that she’s moving to the city, makes Martha happy beyond measure. 

Karen smiles sheepishly in return, the sultry look from before returning to her eyes. Chuck notices the look and smirks to himself. He’s not entirely sure what’s going on, and admits that he’s a bit drunk, but he can tell that the brunette is madly in love with Martha.

Karen starts to say something before she feels someone tap her shoulder. She turns around and sees a woman with long black hair standing before her. She’s wearing a form fitting dress that hugs her figure and she has a look in her eye that Martha recognizes immediately. And it strikes her that it’s very similar to the look Karen had been giving her just a moment prior. 

“Excuse me, would you like to dance?” the woman asks as she leans against Karen’s chair. 

Karen shares a look with Martha for a moment, her eyes full of surprise but tinged with something else that Martha can’t quite figure out. 

“I’m flattered but I can’t, I’m sorry,” Karen says, politely declining and watching the woman respectfully bid her goodbye. She lets out a breath as she realizes that she was just approached by another woman. 

As the woman walks away, Kay’s mouth drops in surprise, “Karen, how could you say no? She was absolutely gorgeous.”

Martha shifts uncomfortably as she realizes she hadn’t had a chance to tell her friends, apart from Chuck, that Karen wasn’t like them. She hadn’t considered the possibility of them assuming she was also a lesbian. 

“Oh well, I’m married…technically,” Karen says with a hearty swig of her drink. Martha pauses for a moment, wondering why Karen didn’t explain that she’s not a lesbian and what she meant by saying she’s technically married. 

“Technically?” Chuck interjects curiously.

“Yes, I’m just waiting for the divorce papers to go through,” Karen explains with a deep breath. Truthfully, that wasn’t the reason she said no. Her marriage had been over years ago, maybe before it had even started. But she only has one person she would ever want to dance with, and that is Martha.

Martha’s mouth opens slightly in surprise and she nearly drops her glass. She vaguely knew Karen and Joe were having issues, but she never expected Karen to divorce him. His anger makes a little more sense now but she still doesn’t understand why so much of it seemed to be directed at her. 

Martha gives Karen a look and Karen’s eyes convey her surety in her decision, and a promise that she’ll explain later. Her demeanor seems nervous but also liberated. She leans back and takes a sip, almost in celebration of her announcement of her divorce.

“Well, good riddance. When you’re ready, Karen, we’ll find you someone new. Won’t we Martha?” Chuck says as he nudges Martha’s shoulder. 

Martha glares at Chuck and steps on his foot under the table. He quickly closes his mouth but chuckles silently. Luckily the conversation shifts once again and Martha sinks into her seat, watching Karen closely as her mind swims with questions about what had happened between her and Joe. 

Soon enough, the group stumbles out of the bar and onto the cold dark street. Hugs are exchanged as they shiver under the moon. 

“It was wonderful to meet you Karen. I’m sure I’ll be seeing more of you in the future,” Chuck says as he hugs Karen, causing Martha to scoff amusedly. 

“I’m sure you will be,” Karen says with a laugh as she leans up to hug the tall man.

“Tonight was fun, you guys will have to come to my place for dinner sometime,” Kay says with a smirk as she had recently gotten into a cooking kick. 

Martha nods her head with a smile as she hugs Kay and with that the group disperses into the night. Martha and Karen start walking to the car which they had to park just down the street. The wind picks up and Karen huddles against Martha. She grabs onto her arm as they walk and her teeth chatter. 

Martha’s body relaxes into Karen’s and she scolds herself for enjoying her touch so much. With Karen wrapped around her arm, smiling through her shivers as they walk to her car, she feels the happiest she’s felt in a long while. 

Karen had always been an affectionate person, but she can’t help but cling to Martha whenever she can get the chance. They reach the car and Martha opens the passenger side door for Karen who thanks her softly as she gets in. Martha thinks she once again detects a blush on Karen’s cheeks but decides it must be the lighting of the street lamp. She quickly walks around the car and gets in, turning the key and turning up the heater.

They sit in silence for a moment as the car fills with warm air, causing the windshield to fog up and blur the light coming in.

“Your friends were lovely,” Karen says as she holds her hands up to the vent. She really had enjoyed their company, and loved seeing how they brought Martha’s fun side out. 

“I’m glad you think so. It’s no surprise that they loved you,” Martha responds.

“I guess I still know how to turn the charm on from when we had to convince parents to enroll their children in our school,” Karen says with a sigh as she remembers all the work they had put into the Wright-Dobie school for girls, and how quickly it was destroyed.

“You still know how to keep a secret also,” Martha says, prompting Karen to turn her head towards her, “Karen why didn’t you tell me you’re divorcing Joe?”

Karen sighs and puts her hands in her lap, “I don’t know. I guess I couldn’t bring myself to say it at first.”

“What happened?” Martha asks, softer this time as she wants Karen to know she’s not mad, just confused.

Karen shakes her head as she tries to decide how to answer. Martha can tell she’s trying not to cry so she puts her hand on top of hers, giving herself permission since Karen is upset.

“I just couldn’t do it anymore. Joe is a good man but I just don’t love him, not in the way I should at least,” Karen admits with pain etched into her features, “He’s constantly asking when I’ll be ready to have children and he gets so upset,” she shakes her head as she recalls the way Joe had responded when she said she wasn't so sure she wanted to have children so soon.

“But I thought you always wanted children?” Martha questions, trying to understand what could have possibly caused Karen to fall out of love with Joe.

“I did! I just…” Karen pauses and closes her eyes tightly, “I realized I don’t love him the way I thought I did. I thought that if I just stuck it out, I’d eventually feel how I was supposed to. But four years later and…here I am.”

Martha isn’t sure how to best respond to what Karen had expressed to her so she just sits with her for a while. She rubs circles on Karen’s hand as she takes deep breaths and calms herself down. 

Karen eventually wipes her tears and looks up at Martha, her eyes looking like deep dark pools but the sadness has quieted in them and in its place was love.

“Are you ashamed to be friends with a soon-to-be divorced woman?” Karen asks with a soft chuckle, trying to make light of her troubles.

“Absolutely. I’m a lesbian but I draw the line at divorce,” Martha says sarcastically, feeling a bit more comfortable referencing herself as a lesbian after seeing how accepting Karen had been of her friends. 

Karen bursts out in laughter, and the sound makes Martha’s heart feel as though it will burst. She had missed that sound so much and is so happy that she’s been given the opportunity to hear it again. Once their laughter subsides Martha drives them home through the cold night. 

As Martha drives, Karen stares out the window, watching lights blur past. She can’t stop thinking about what Martha had said earlier, so she decides to be nosy.

“Can I ask you something?” she says, turning towards Martha.

Martha glances over at her before returning her gaze to the road and nodding.

“Why aren’t you dating?” Karen pauses as she sees Martha grip the steering wheel tighter.

Martha continues driving as she plans her response in her head. She’s unsure why Karen is asking her this, and why she had looked so sad when the topic had been brought up earlier.

“I don’t know, it just…never works out,” Martha says with a shrug, not sure what Karen is wanting to hear.

“Well from the sound of things you’re quite the catch around here,” Karen responds with a slight smirk. Ever since they first met Martha wasn’t very forthcoming about her feelings. That was never an issue for Karen however, because she was always able to wiggle it out of her.

Martha scoffs as she thinks back to what Chuck had said, “I wouldn’t say that. Chuck just worries about me. But I’m just fine on my own.”

Karen’s eyes glance over Martha before she turns her head to look out the window. Martha looks over and can tell something is bothering her. Her eyes are sad again and she seems miles away.

“What is it?” Martha asks.

Karen shakes her head slightly before looking back at Martha, “I thought that things would be easier for you once you moved away, once you could live freely," she pauses and smiles sadly to herself, "I imagined you forgetting about everything that happened, and finding a pretty girl in the city..." Karen stops as the words get caught in her throat. It's true she had wished these things for Martha, but it hurt s much to do so.

"I just want you to be happy.” It saddens her to think that for whatever reason, Martha hasn’t been able to move on. She of course had been hoping that Martha still loved her, but that doesn’t mean that wanted Martha to be alone for all these years.

Martha furrows her brows as she hears Karens words. She swallows hard before deciding to be honest about her feelings for once, sensing that Karen needed to hear it.

“Even after moving away, I could never get away from you,” Martha says as if it’s something she’s been holding onto. She tried so hard in her first couple of years to date and move on with her life but she always knew deep down that she’d never care for someone as much as she cares for Karen, as much as she loves Karen.

“I don’t have room within me to love anyone else. But I’ve come to terms with that, and it’s alright. I’m just happy to have my best friend back,” Martha says, being okay with her one-sided love as long as it means she can still have Karen in her life.

Karen’s mouth hangs open as she listens to Martha, her eyes flitting across her face in an attempt to read her expressions. She also can tell how much courage it took Martha to admit that to her, and she’s so very glad she did.

Karen wipes a tear that had escaped her eye and looks at Martha with a sad expression. She hates that Martha had forced herself to push down her love for her, all in an attempt to let Karen live the life she thought she wanted. Little does she know that Karen was only happy when she was with Martha. 

It also makes her feel like she’s on top of the world to hear Martha talk about how much she loves her, and that she had stopped dating because of it. Martha had given up so much, and had started her life over in New York because it would be better for Karen, and Karen’s heart ached for the time she had wasted trying to convince herself that she loved Joe.

The rest of the ride is quiet and they get back to the apartment and shuffle in. They pull off their coats and hang them next to the door as they joke about something that Kay had said earlier. Martha tries not to stare at the top of Karen’s open shirt, as she reaches to hang up her coat.

“Take a seat, I’ll get us some drinks,” Martha says gesturing to the couch before turning the corner. She feels as though she’ll need at least a few drinks to be able to stand how good Karen looks tonight.

Karen sits on the couch and sighs happily as she listens to the soft noises coming from the kitchen. She imagines what it would be like, to come home to Martha every night and to kiss her after a long day. She sighs and tries to relax her mind before Martha returns. Before she can relax, however, someone knocks on the door. Martha comes around the corner with a confused look on her face. She shares a glance with Karen before opening the door.

Before she has the chance to say something, Joe storms past her. He stops in the middle of the room as his eyes land on Karen.

Her mouth hangs open and she stands up to meet his gaze, “Joe? What are you doing here?” Karen asks in fear.

“I’m here to take you home,” Joe says firmly, but his eyebrows are downturned in worry..

“You need to leave Joe, I’m not coming with you,” Karen says softly. She turns her face away from Joe and hopes he will leave as quickly as he came. It hurts to see him because she doesn’t hate him. She has no reason to hate him and yet she couldn’t get herself to love him like she once did. 

“What’d you do to your hair?” Joe suddenly turns to Martha, “You’ve already influenced her. I knew this would happen.”

“Joe I don’t know what you’re talking about…” Martha starts as she leans her back against the door.

“I know where you took her tonight. You took her to a bar for…people like you,” Joe pauses before gesturing to Karen, “I don’t care what you do but don’t drag her into it.” 

Martha looks down in shame. She knew she shouldn’t have taken Karen there. She didn’t mean to make things harder for Karen but she’d been so excited to have her back in her life. 

“How do you know where we went?” Karen inquires, her mind moving a million miles a minute as she processes the situation.

“I hired a private investigator to keep tabs on you,” Joe admits, his eyes shifting with guilt.

“You hired someone to follow me?” Karen asks, anger rising in her voice. She can’t believe that Joe had stooped so low.

“I couldn’t just sit and watch her take you away from me!” Joe yells out with a pained expression before shifting his gaze to Martha, “You’re messing with her head and I won’t stand for it.”

“She is doing no such thing!” Karen yells with a level of frustration that Martha has never seen, her eyes full of tears, “I chose to come here, I chose to go to that bar, and you will not stand here and speak to her that way.”

“I stuck by your side when you spent weeks refusing to leave the house after Martha left, but this has gone too far. Your infatuation with her is not real, she convinced you that…”

“She didn’t convince me of anything! I can’t help that I’m in love with her,” Karen blurts before looking over at Martha. Her mouth is hanging open wider than before and her chest is rising and falling rapidly. Her face feels hot and she doesn’t know what to do. Her limbs feel like lead and the way Karen is looking at her is making her heart pound in her chest. She distinctly remembers having a dream just like this, and feels as though she needs to check that she’s not dreaming right now.

Karen hadn’t meant to say that, but now that it's out there’s no going back. She blinks as she realizes she had begun to cry in frustration. Her face however remains still with determination. She doesn’t care what people think of her anymore and she feels she has nothing to lose. She can’t keep living in fear of admitting that she’s in love with Martha, and she won’t keep living in that town where everyone looks at her as though she’s a freak.

“I’m doing this for your own good Karen. This isn’t like you. You’ll feel better once we’re home,” Joe responds with pleading eyes, despite his vigor waning. He truly cares for Karen so very deeply, but he had gotten so caught up in hoping things would go back to normal, that he had lost sight of what really matters to him, Karen’s happiness. As he looks at the pain in Karen’s eyes, he starts to come to terms with the fact that he can’t keep trying to hold onto her. 

Karen shakes her head and retracts from Joe as he reaches for her hand, “This is partly why I left. Even after we were acquitted and Martha left, the town still treated me as if I was guilty. And they’ve even made you look at me that way,” she says with a hurt look in her eyes. She doesn’t even blame Joe for his behavior. She understands where all this is coming from and knows that the insipid gossip in town had made him feel so very powerless.

“Karen…” Joe starts, beginning to realize how much he had let the people in Lancet influence his behavior. It had gotten so hard listening to people tell him that he needs to find another wife that doesn’t have such scandalous accusations in her past. His eyes are full of regret as he realizes how wrong he’s been. He didn’t mean to hurt Karen, he thought he was protecting her. 

“Please Joe…you need to leave,” Karen sputters out through her tears, unable to look at him anymore.

Joe looks at Karen’s tear stained face and sighs. He starts to say something but stops. His shoulders drop as he resigns himself to the fact that nothing he says will change Karen’s mind. He steps towards the door but stops in the doorway. 

“Take care of her,” he says quietly to Martha before leaving in defeat.

Martha closes the door slowly with shaking hands, locking it immediately. When she turns around, Karen is sitting down with her hand over her mouth as she cries. Martha walks over and sits next to her. She isn’t sure what Karen needs but decides to gently place her hand on top of hers. 

Karen looks over at her, her eyes expressing a million things at once. She glances across Martha’s face, and at her lips, giving Martha butterflies. And with the knowledge of what Karen blurted out earlier, she feels a sense of tension between them that is driving her mad. 

Martha struggles to understand that Karen is in love with her. It doesn’t feel real and she’s terrified that if she moves or speaks, she’ll wake up in bed, sweating and missing Karen like she has many nights before. But she somehow knows this is reality, which terrifies her, and that all those glances and fleeting touches from Karen in the past couple days had meant more than she let on.

Karen reaches her hand up and touches Martha’s cheek. Her eyebrows are downturned in longing as they stare at each other. God, she wants to kiss Martha so badly. She’s wanted to ever since she arrived. A moment passes of them staring at each other, both unable to say a word. Eventually, Karen lets her hand fall and she wipes her tears.

Martha is both grateful that the tension has been relieved, and disappointed that she'll have to wait to feel Karen’s lips against hers.

“We should go to bed, it’s late,” Karen says, knowing they both have lots to think about. Everything feels too fresh and she knows that they should sleep before they talk about what had been said earlier.  

Martha nods, feeling both disappointed and relieved, and leads Karen to her bedroom. After she says goodnight, Karen doesn’t protest this time and lets Martha slip out of the room to retreat to the couch. As Martha pulls a blanket over her and settles against the couch, she stares at the ceiling in deep thought. She thinks back to Karen’s glances and blushing that she had tried so hard to push out of her mind. She feels close to panicking as she thinks about the fact that Karen had said she’s in love with her, and that Joe had said she’s infatuated with her. Her heart felt as if it was going to explode when she heard those words, and it still feels like it might. 

Emotions bubble up inside her and she is quickly overwhelmed by it all. She shuts her eyes as she cries, quietly so as to not wake Karen. She cries not because she’s sad, but because she truly cannot process the events of the evening. She doesn’t want to believe that what Karen said is true, but why shouldn't she? She had said it with such resolve, and it had shaken Martha to her core.

Across the apartment Karen is up thinking just as Martha is. She worries that her slip of the tongue had strained the friendship they had only just rekindled, and prays that she’ll get the chance to love Martha in the way she’s dreamed of for years, knowingly and unknowingly.

It takes a while but both women eventually give in to their exhaustion, and they both fall asleep thinking only of each other. They don’t know what will happen tomorrow but for now are somewhat content with the uncertainty, because at least they know they love each other.

Chapter Text

I can’t help that I’m in love with her…

Those words haven’t left Martha’s mind since Karen had screamed them at Joe the previous night. The thought of Karen loving her that way haunts her. She thinks back to all the looks and touches that Karen had given her the past few couple days, that she had been trying to push out of her mind. She still can’t seem to believe that Karen truly feels that way, and worries that Karen will wake up today and they’ll never speak about it again. 

Sleep found her late the previous night, and she rose early as usual. But restlessness had plagued her even after waking, so she figured she should try to be productive. She smoothes the iron carefully over Karen’s blouse, trying to keep her mind from reliving the look in Karen’s eyes as she held her cheek last night. How she glanced down at Martha’s lips…

The sound of the tea kettle whistles loudly, pulling Martha from her thoughts and nearly making her drop the iron. She speeds across the kitchen and pulls the kettle off the stove quickly, biting her lip. She begins to pour tea into a cup, hoping the noise didn’t wake Karen up, and sighs as she hears the bedroom door open. 

A moment later, Karen comes around the corner with a shy smile. Her hair is pointing every which way and her eye makeup is smudged as she hadn’t washed it off the night before. She’s wearing a loose sleep shirt and pants that she had gotten out of Martha’s dresser. 

Martha looks up and glances down at Karen’s clothes, her heart skipping a beat seeing her in her own clothes. The shirt is falling off Karen’s shoulder a bit and Martha thinks that she’s never seen something more beautiful. She didn’t know that Karen with messy hair and makeup, wearing Martha’s old pajamas could make her feel so in love.

“Good morning,” Karen says softly, treading carefully. She had been worried the night before that what she had said might’ve frightened Martha too much. Her worries are soothed by Martha smiling at her, “I borrowed some pajamas, I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all, they look better on you anyway,” Martha says with a smile, internally scolding herself as soon as the words leave her lips. The events of the previous day had jumbled her mind and she’s worried what she might say now that the knowledge of Karen’s love for her lingers between them. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Martha hands Karen a cup of tea with an apologetic smile.

“I’ve been up,” Karen assures her with a smile before thanking her for the tea. They sit at the table together, sipping in silence. Their eyes meet and a million unanswered questions are visible in each of their gazes. Martha’s breathing quickens as she gazes into Karen’s eyes, sensing that she hadn’t dreamt Karen’s exchange with Joe.

Instead of saying anything, the two of them form a silent agreement to not talk about the previous night, not yet. There’s no use in rushing and for now they decide to just enjoy the day. There will be time later to have the conversation, when they’re ready.

Instead, they finish their tea and Karen retreats to the bathroom to shower after they make plans to get out of the apartment. While she’s in there, Martha cleans up the kitchen and puts on an outfit as she had already freshened up earlier before Karen had woken up. 

She walks down the hallway as she fastens the clasp on her necklace, her mind elsewhere. She sits down on the couch, wondering how long Karen has known she loves Martha back. She’s still struggling to comprehend that fact, and ever since last night her mind has gone wild with possibilities. 

A moment later, Martha hears the water shut off and the door of the bathroom open. She looks over and sees Karen walking towards her. She has a towel wrapped around her body and her short dark hair falls in her eyes in messy strands. Martha’s heart begins to race as her eyes wander across Karen’s exposed skin. 

Karen stops and leans against the doorway. She smirks lightly as she notices how flustered Martha is. She’s feeling flustered herself but feels that she’s wasted enough time not admitting how she feels about Martha.

“What’s on the agenda for today, Miss Dobie?” Karen asks with a grin.

Martha smiles back, her heart pounding as she barely hides her gaze dropping, “It’s a surprise.” 

Karen raises her eyebrows, “Alright, I’ll be ready soon,” she says before picking an outfit out of her luggage and going back into the bathroom. 

Once she’s ready, the pair get into Martha’s car and drive through the city leisurely as they have the whole day to themselves. Martha points to places she’s been and places she wants to go someday as they pass through the city. For once the typical traffic doesn’t annoy her because just being with Karen makes life feel lighter.

Eventually Martha pulls to the side of the street and parks behind a row of cars. They get out of the car and Martha leads Karen down the street towards their destination. Strangers speed past them, hurrying to their own destinations.

“Goodness, I like it here. No one pays you any mind,” Karen remarks as she watches people pass by without a second glance at them.

“It’s nice when you already have a friend in the city. Before I met Chuck, I felt even lonelier here than in Lancet,” Martha recalls with an reminiscent expression.

Karen looks at Martha for a moment, her heart aching for how scary it must have been for her. She finds it ironic that she had thought Martha was much better off in those days after she left, and Martha had thought the same about her. But in reality Martha was alone in the city and Karen was heartbroken in Lancet.

“Well good thing I’m here now,” Karen responds as she grabs onto Martha’s arm absentmindedly. It’s funny how comfortable it feels for her to touch Martha. She can’t seem to get enough of it. She has to remind herself that they haven’t talked about last night yet, so she refrains from stepping over the invisible boundary that they’ve adhered to all this time. But it’s even harder now that her slip of the tongue lingers underneath every interaction.

Martha smiles at Karen’s words and at the feeling of her hands squeezing her arm. Her heart flutters at every touch, even more so than before she knew Karen loves her.

Once they finally break eye contact, Martha leads Karen down the street. They chat loosely about where they should have lunch as they cross the street. They turn a corner and Martha slows to a stop.

“We’re here,” Martha says softly.

Karen looks ahead of them and her eyes light up. They stand together at the front steps of the Met, watching people filter in and out of the grand front entrance. 

In college, Karen took a few art history classes and would come back to their apartment gushing about all the artwork she was learning about. Martha didn’t always know what she was talking about, but she loved to listen to Karen talk about the things she’s passionate about. 

“Oh Martha, I’ve always wanted to come here,” Karen exclaims as she grips Martha’s arm and gawks at the large museum.

“I remember you talking about it when we were seniors,” Martha says, not being able to help but smile at how happy Karen is.

Karen chuckles in adoration. No one knows her as well as Martha, and no one had ever put in as much effort to know her as Martha had.

Before she has the chance to say anything else, Martha is pulling her up the stairs. They get inside the building and Karen looks around in awe as Martha purchases their tickets. She glances at a map of the museum on the wall and she can hardly keep still as she spots artwork down the way.

After acquiring their tickets, they walk to the right and are met with gorgeous paintings on the walls. Karen walks ahead, getting lost in the art. She makes quiet comments about the pieces to Martha every now and then, and Martha nods her head and hums in response. She listens to every word but her mind is more focused on the beauty of the woman before her. 

Karen cocks her head to the side as she stops in front of a painting of a woman reading a book. Martha watches Karen examine the painting and read the plaque, and she can tell that Karen is enjoying the painting just by the way her eyebrows relax. She looks at the painting fondly, as if it’s an old friend that she recognizes.

“You like this one don’t you?” Martha says as she stands next to Karen, enjoying gazing at the brunette more so than the art.

“I do,” Karen responds with a pleased smile, “she looks like you.” 

Martha furrows her brow before looking away from Karen, and looking at the painting fully. She hadn’t noticed before but the woman has red hair styled in gentle waves. She’s holding a book in one hand and leaning her very pretty face on her other. 

Martha’s heart swells at the idea of Karen thinking Martha is that pretty. She chuckles sweetly as she realizes that she had been staring in admiration at Karen because she looks like a work of art, and Karen had been staring in admiration at the art because it looks like Martha. When she returns her gaze to Karen, she’s staring at her with the same look in her eyes from last night when she had almost kissed her.

A beat passes before Karen drops her gaze and looks back at the painting. They continue on, walking through the entire museum. Martha has the best time, watching Karen’s eyes light up at the artwork, and Karen’s cheeks flush every time she catches Martha’s eye.

They get to the end and Karen drags Martha into the giftshop. They peruse the shelves of knick knacks and prints of the artwork they had just seen, and Karen clings to Martha’s side. She wraps her arm around Martha’s and it makes her stomach do flips. Karen’s affectionate nature is making it extremely hard for her to avoid thinking about the conversation they will eventually need to have.

Karen spots a rack of postcards and begins looking through them. Her mouth forms into a sweet smile as she pulls one out and rubs her thumb against it. She turns it around to show it to Martha.

“Perfect, now I’ll have something to remind me of you,” Karen says, clutching the postcard and getting her wallet out to pay for it.

Martha’s cheeks warm up at the thought of Karen wanting something that reminds her of her. Karen hands some coins to the gift shop cashier before turning back to Martha and walking down the front steps of the museum with her. Feeling more confident after all the affection Karen had shown her, Martha decides to try her best at being more forward. Spending time with her all day has helped her feel more comfortable entertaining the fact that Karen loves her, which still feels like an alien concept.

“You won’t need that to remind you of me, will you? After all you’re living with me until you find an apartment,” Martha says with a smirk.

“Am I? Maybe I simply won’t find an apartment then,” Karen responds, a sultry smirk forming.

 “I wouldn’t be complaining,” Martha says, her eyes glistening with sincerity despite the smirk on her lips. Karen looks up into the blues eyes and feels frozen for a moment. Seeing a smirk on Martha’s lips makes her feel dizzy and she curses in her head when she remembers it would be unwise for her to kiss her in public.

The two of them stare into each other’s eyes for a moment, neither of them wanting to look away until they finally decide they should move from the top of the stairs. Martha lets Karen link arms with her once again, and she leads her down the street to their next location.

After a quick walk, Martha leads Karen past tall buildings and into Central Park. They walk in the shade beneath the trees and chat softly about how beautiful the leaves are in their shades of red, orange, and yellow. 

They find a bench overlooking the park and sit next to each other, their shoulders brushing against each other, as they enjoy the quiet peacefulness of the park.

“My, the trees are so beautiful,” Karen says softly.

Martha hums in agreement as she looks out and watches people pass by, “I used to come here before I met Chuck and the others. I’d sit here for hours,” Martha recalls wistfully, “It was comforting to watch all the people going about their lives, and knowing none of them knew who I was.”

How lonely those first days in the city must have been for her, Karen thinks to herself. And how she wishes she could have come with her. She wonders what things would be like if she had never married Joe, if she had been able to recognize her feelings for her sooner.

“I wish I had come with you,” Karen says softly, “You know most of the town is still convinced we were guilty?” she scoffs as she thinks about the looks she still gets when she goes into the grocery store in town. People are cordial with her now, but those looks of suspicion never fully went away.

Martha’s brow furrows as she hears Karen speak. Deep regret fills her chest as she thinks about Karen facing it all alone. She had naively assumed the accusations and pain would disappear once she left. But all that her absence did was leave Karen to fight the battle on her own.

She considers Karen’s words for a moment, staring into her eyes with an apologetic look, trying to convey all her regret and guilt for leaving Karen behind, especially with what she knows now.

“I’m sorry Karen, that I left you there,” Martha pauses as her hand finds Karen’s.

“No more apologies, dear,” Karen says with a soft smile, “Besides, I never have to see those wretched people again.”

Martha chuckles, grateful that Karen seems to have forgiven her. SHe doesn’t know what she would do with herself if she hadn’t.

“Then again…maybe they were right…” Martha says under her breath, a tad louder than she meant to. Her face warms up as she is surprised at her own words and the insinuation it presents. As the day has progressed she’s felt an overwhelming urge to bring up the things she had never permitted herself to. 

Karen’s dark eyes glance across Martha’s face and her mouth forms a slight smirk as her hand grips Martha’s.

Karen nods gently before speaking, “I think we were guilty before we even had a name for it.”

Martha swallows hard as she hears Karen verbalize their longing for one another. God, it’s hard for Martha to sit still with all these feelings swirling inside of her.

By Karen’s logic, Martha feels she must have been guilty ever since the day she laid eyes on her. She’d see her walking through the quadrangle of their college, and sitting in front of her in class, an odd feeling drawing her to the brunette. 

The pair eventually pull apart, putting their hands in their own laps as a couple walks past them. Karen looks out across the way again, admiring the way the wind sends leaves cascading down onto the grass.

They sit together for a while longer, before the chill of the autumn wind makes their noses red. They then quietly link arms and walk back to Martha’s car.

…

After some sight seeing and a trip to the market for dinner supplies, Martha and Karen return to the apartment. They slowly ascend the stairs of the building and shuffle inside. They carry the groceries into the kitchen and Martha gets started preparing dinner right away.

“Can I do anything to help?” Karen asks, her feet aching from walking all day but wanting to be helpful.

Martha chuckles, thinking about how any help from Karen in the kitchen usually ends in disaster. Besides, she doesn’t want to make the brunette help her, she looks so worn out from their day together.

“Nothing at all. Your company is all I need,” Martha says softly as she gestures for Karen to sit at the table. Her feet are killing her so she knows that Karen’s must be as well.

Karen smiles in response, her tired eyes making her look soft and gorgeous. She sits down slowly at the table, leaning her face on her hand as she watches Martha cook.

They chat lightly about what they had seen at the Met, and about other places they want to visit in the future. They both become wrapped up in all the possibilities, now that they can actually make plans together. 

“Alright, the chicken just needs to bake for a few more minutes,” Martha says with a tired sigh as she pulls her apron off.

“Thank you for cooking, Martha. I think I’m the only woman in New York who can’t cook to save her life,” Karen chuckles self-deprecatingly.

“Don’t worry, I’ll teach you,” Martha says with a smile and a wink. 

“Can’t wait,” Karen responds, her shoulders relaxing as she looks up at Martha who is standing in front of her. They’re about 2 feet away but the intimacy of Karen’s gaze makes her feel as if they’re inches away.

Martha can feel restlessness permeating throughout the entirety of her body, and nothing she does will shake it. Looking at Karen only makes her feel more desperate and looking anywhere else is simply boring. She crosses the room and grabs a pack of cigarettes out of her purse. After pulling one out and placing it in between her lips, she offers the open box to Karen.

Karen raises her eyebrows and a slight smirk forms on her lips, “You smoke these days? What happened to the straight edge school teacher I once knew,” she says teasingly as she pulls a cigarette out of the box as well.

“What can I say, I guess the city changed me,” Martha says as she strikes a match and reaches over to light Karen’s cigarette. Her chest tightens as Karen looks up into her eyes as the flame creates a heavenly glow on her features. She quickly averts her gaze and lights her own cigarette, taking a long drag to calm her nerves as she sits across from Karen at the table. She lets out a cloud of smoke, her eyes half lidded as some of the nervousness escapes her body.

Karen takes a drag of hers as well, her heart fluttering as she watches Martha’s head lean back, her pretty neck visible through the haze of the smoke.

“Four years ago, we rarely drank or smoked,” Karen recalls with a chuckle, “Too afraid to make a bad impression with the parents.”

Martha nods as she remembers how hard they had tried to recruit more students, and be in the good graces of their parents. She almost laughs at how silly all that effort seems now.

“Yes, if only they could see me now,” Martha responds with a smirk as she blows out smoke and leans back in her chair..

Karen watches Martha with a smile, “Naughty Miss Dobie,” she says, shaking her head jokingly as she brings her cigarette to her lips.

Martha nearly melts at Karen’s tone and the smirk tugging at her lips. She still can’t believe what Karen had said the previous night, and the prolonged wait to talk to her about it is starting to drive her crazy.

Luckily, she’s saved by the ringing of the timer she had set for the chicken.

…

“That was delicious, Martha. I feel spoiled by your wonderful cooking,” Karen remarks as she plops onto the couch after lighting a fire in the fireplace. Martha is finishing cleaning up the kitchen and watching Karen in admiration over her shoulder. Martha only rarely lights a fire but she figured that with Karen here, they should make use of it. The nights are getting colder as winter approaches, and she isn’t opposed to the idea of curling up next to the fire with Karen tonight. Besides, it might make their conversation easier.

Martha smiles and wipes her hands on the dish towel laying on her shoulder, “It’s nice to have an excuse to cook.” She then reaches into the fridge and pulls out a bottle.

“Are you too tired for wine?” she asks with an eyebrow raised.

“Oh I’m never too tired for wine,” Karen says, smiling up at the redhead as she brings the bottle and two wine glasses into the living room.

Martha pours the wine into two glasses and hands one to Karen before sitting next to her on the couch, careful not to sit too close as she’s still unsure where they stand.

The two of them sip their wine and watch the flames of the fire dance and crackle. Amber light is cast out into the room from the fireplace, and if Martha thought the match flame made Karen look beautiful, this is beauty on another level. The warm light flickers in the reflection in Karen’s eyes, and Martha is quickly entranced. The combination of the wine, exhaustion, and warmth has her head swimming with her infatuation for Karen.

Karen glances towards Martha and locks eyes with her. Their chests rise and fall in unison as the shadows dance across their faces. Martha feels delirious with exhaustion, but knows she’s not imagining it when Karen glances down at her lips before returning to eyes slowly to Martha's.

A moment passes and every fiber in Martha’s body is urging her forward, begging her to reach out and hold onto Karen. She fights the urge and reminds herself that she truly doesn’t know what Karen is thinking, if she truly meant what she said yesterday.

“Karen, we can’t avoid talking about it any longer,” Martha says softly, her eyes searching Karen’s for answers.

Karen nods in agreement, “You’re right,” she says before downing the rest of her wine and setting the glass on the coffee table. 

Martha follows suit and sets her wine down as well, unable to focus as she watches Karen’s wine stained lips.

“Martha,” Karen pauses, her smile dissolving for a moment as a sense of nervousness pokes through, “Are you still in love with me?”

Martha’s heart falters as she considers Karen’s words, “Yes,” she says, almost in a whisper, “How could I not be?”

Karen smiles, her eyes glistening as she looks at Martha. She had been so worried that perhaps Martha had moved on. She had hoped she was still carrying a torch for her but four years is a long time. Part of the reason why she had refrained from confessing to Martha right away, was her fear that she would discover she had missed her chance.

“And…what you said last night? That you’re in love with me…” Martha clenches her jaw as she struggles to get the words out, “What did you mean by that?”

Karen lets out an airy chuckle, “You know, you’re rather foolish when you want to be,” she says with that sultry smirk again, before leaning in closer, “You know what I meant.”

Sensing where this is going, Martha’s eyes soften as she too leans closer. Their faces are mere inches away as Martha reaches up and cups Karen’s cheek gently. This slight physical contact is enough to make her fingertips buzz and her heartbeat quicken. Karen rests her face in Martha’s palm, dissolving into the contact and feeling her heart skip a beat.

“Maybe I do…but I think I need you to show me,” Martha says softly, her voice low and desperate, tinged with the bravery that the wine has given her. 

“Gladly,” Karen whispers before cupping Martha’s face as well. She leans in slowly, their noses brushing against each other as they look into each other’s eyes. Karen’s eyes once again drop to Martha’s lips, but this time Martha sees a hunger she’s never seen in Karen and it drives her mad.

Karen shifts her thumb from Martha’s cheek and gently rubs it across Martha’s parted lips. She enjoys how Martha shudders and furrows her eyebrows in desperation as she makes her wait. Finally, Karen leans in once again and presses her lips against Martha’s. 

Martha’s shoulders relax as she feels every heartache and regret releasing from her body and driving her lips forward. She decides in her mind that none of it matters now. Nothing other than kissing Karen matters.

The two of them dissolve into the kiss, pressing close together, only parting briefly for air every once in a while. Karen had been worried that she would be no good at this, as she had never kissed a woman like Martha has. To her surprise kissing Martha feels easier than it had felt kissing anyone else. Their lips meet again and again as if they are two halves of a whole, begging to be reunited. 

Martha wonders about the same thing as Karen places her hand on the back of her neck to steady the kiss. She thinks back to how people had said four years ago that what they were was an abomination, a sin, a defect.

As she sits here now, with Karen’s lips moving against her own, she wonders how anyone could think this was a sin. This is the closest thing she has had to a religious experience and nothing has ever felt more right to her. She thinks that her and Karen must’ve been cut from the same cloth, the way that their bodies fit together just right.

They slowly pull their lips apart as they catch their breath and realize the room has gone dark. The fire in the fireplace has been reduced to dim embers, and they realize just how long they’ve been kissing for.

“It’s cold,” Karen says softly, realizing the coldness of the night has returned in the wake of the fire.

“I’m still warm,” Martha says with a smile as her hand cups Karen’s cheek. She thinks back to that evening in the farmhouse, when everything was cold and dismal. She smiles as she realizes how different things are now.

“So am I,” Karen says, returning Martha’s smile and pressing her lips against hers once more.

The two women stumble down the hall to Martha’s room, the coldness of the world no longer having the same bite as it did four years ago.

…

Martha stirs in bed, scrunching her eyes as she feels sunlight poking in through the curtains. Just as she’s about to fall back asleep, she feels something touching her. Her eyes slowly open, and her heart nearly bursts as she sees Karen laying next to her, tracing circles with her finger on Martha’s arm.

Karen smiles as she sees Martha’s eyes open. She chuckles at the confused look on her features, which quickly dissolves into happiness when her mind wakes up. 

“Good morning,” Karen coos in Martha’s ear before planting a kiss on her lips.

Martha smiles into the kiss, feeling undeserving of such a wonderful sight this early in the morning.

“Morning, you’re up early,” Martha says, surprised to see the brunette awake already. Usually Martha was the early riser.

“I woke up with an extraordinary need to look at you,” Karen chuckles as she runs her hand along Martha’s exposed collarbone and up to her cheek. 

Martha blushes as she remembers how wonderful the night before had been, and how wonderful it is to wake up with Karen next to her in bed.

Karen lays her head down and Martha turns over so they can be face to face. Martha pushes some hair out of Karen’s eyes and kisses her forehead gently.

“I love this, us alone in this apartment. With nothing else to worry about,” Karen remarks, feeling a peace like no other. 

Martha smiles but a nagging worry tugs at her mind. She loves Karen so deeply that she worries that a life with her isn’t adequate enough. They’ll never be able to share a kiss in Central Park, or have children, and she hates to think that Karen would be giving up too much.

“Are you sure you want this Karen? You could have Joe, and a family…” Martha trails off.

Karen stops Martha by placing her fingers against her lips, “I’m sure darling. I’d give it all up a million times over, to be alone with you.”

Chapter Text

1 month later

Martha sits down at the kitchen table with a cup of tea in one hand and lesson plans in the other. She sighs as she lays the papers out in front of her, knowing that she’ll need these to be ready before the end of the week when Thanksgiving break ends and she has to return to work.

She works dutifully for about an hour before she hears soft footsteps coming down the hall. She smiles as she feels gentle hands on her shoulders and a kiss on the top of her head.

“Good morning,” Karen coos in her ear, her voice soft and raspy from sleep. It tugs at Martha’s heart and makes her feel like she’s falling in love all over again.

Karen runs her fingers through Martha’s hair absentmindedly as she finishes waking up. As Martha turns to look at her, her arm coming around to wrap around her waist as she stands next to her chair, her mind wakes up much quicker.

She knows Martha has been up for hours as she always is, and momentarily curses her tendency to sleep in. She wishes they weren’t opposite in that regard so that she could spend more time with Martha in the morning. She practically spends every waking moment with her and still it is never enough. 

Martha stares up at her and she still can’t believe that she has the privilege of seeing a sleepy, half dressed Karen stumble out of her bedroom every morning. If someone had told her a month ago that this was even a possibility, she would have had a heart attack. It scares her that her dream so easily came to life, and she feels guilty for still having doubts about whether or not she deserves this. But it seems as though whenever she has these thoughts, Karen smiles at her and suddenly everything is fine again.

She admires the woman for a moment, taking note of all the little details from her tousled dark strands to the strap of her night slip falling off her shoulder. For a moment she can only think of how much she’d like to kiss the exposed skin of Karen’s shoulder, but she’s broken out of her trance as she feels Karen’s hand softly pushing the hair out of her eyes.

“Morning,” Martha says before leaning up and planting a slow, firm kiss on Karen’s lips, “Want some tea?”

“No thank you, dear. I need to start getting ready,” Karen says regretfully as she tucks some hair behind Martha’s ear. She sighs as she wishes she didn’t have to go. She would much rather stay here with Martha’s arm around her waist, whispering sweet nothings into her ear until it persuades her to give up on her lessons plans for the rest of the day.

“Oh, that’s right,” Martha says nervously as she remembers where Karen is going today.

Last week Karen had gotten a call from Joe, asking if they could meet. His voice was a bit shaky with nervousness and he simply said he wanted to make things right. The divorce had finally gone through this week and Karen suspected that Joe wanted to come to some sort of resolution. He never liked leaving things unresolved, or leaving things unsaid, so Karen agreed to meet with him. To tell the truth she wasn’t thrilled to hear from him after everything he had said to the both of them, but the sad look in his eyes from that night had left a pit in her stomach and she needs to hear what he has to say.

Martha trusts Karen’s judgment but can’t help worrying about her. She wants more than anything for Karen to get some closure with Joe, and she just hopes that things go smoothly. It had scared the both of them to see Joe so agitated as it simply wasn’t like him. If they had learned anything from the entire situation, it was the power of a rumor, of a judgment. Mary’s lie was the type that spreads far and wide and sinks its roots into even the strongest of minds, and the rumors and opinions of the people in Lancet had somehow taken on a life of their own. Whispers about Karen and Martha took root slowly and persisted despite Mrs. Tilford recanting her statements. In the end, even Dr. Joe Cardin wasn’t immune.

Karen gets ready fairly quickly and comes back down the hall as she puts on some earrings. She looks around for her shoes frantically, her mind a bit preoccupied as she prepares to face Joe. Martha watches as Karen anxiously walks around the apartment while getting ready, and she can practically feel the nervousness exuding off of her. Karen’s brow is furrowed as she searches for her wallet in her purse.

Martha steps up to her and gently places her hand on the small of her back, holding out Karen’s wallet with her other hand.

“Oh you’re my savior, where’d you find it?” Karen says in relief as she takes the wallet and kisses Martha’s cheek.

“On the dresser,” Martha says with a chuckle because they both know she just spent a half hour flitting past the dresser as she chose an outfit.

Karen closes her eyes as she sighs at her scatterbrained nature this morning. She feels Martha pull her close and it pulls her out of her jittery daze.

“Don’t make yourself too sick with worry, it’ll be alright,” Martha says reassuringly as she caresses Karen’s cheek, “And if it isn’t, call me from the restaurant’s phone and I’ll be there,” she says with a humorous scowl, although Karen knows she means it. She laughs to herself at the idea of Martha punching Joe in the face as she had in the story that Kay told.

Martha’s words and touch puts her at ease immediately. Usually it’s the other way around but it feels nice to know just how cared for she is. 

“Alright my love, I’m off,” Karen says as she slips her feet into some flats next to the door.

Martha sits down in front of her papers, “Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you?”

“Yes, I can take a taxi. I don’t want to disrupt your focus,” Karen says with a smile.

Martha smiles in return, knowing that she would push these papers to the side immediately if Karen needed her for anything. Not only because she hates grading, but because she looks forward to every minute she can spend with the brunette.

“Alright, but I’ll pick you up from the restaurant so we can make it to Chuck’s party,” Martha says as she peers over her reading glasses.

“It’s a date,” Karen says sweetly before leaning down and kissing Martha, this time letting her lips linger for longer as her nerves about meeting Joe catch up with her again. She pulls away and holds Martha’s cheek gently before sighing and walking towards the door.

“Don’t work too hard,” she says with a playful glare before shutting the door behind her.

…

The taxi rolls up to the front of a small restaurant with people filtering in and out. Karen steps out of the cab and pays the driver with a nervous smile before watching him drive away. She takes a deep breath before finally getting the courage to take a step forward. 

As she walks into the restaurant, the hostess tells her that she’s the first to arrive and promptly turns on her heel to show Karen to their table. The room is filled with small tables with dark green tablecloths and neatly arranged silverware. Groups of people chat lively with one another as waiters weave throughout the crowd with plates of food in their hands. Karen thinks to herself that if she wasn’t so nervous, she’d be enjoying the scene before her. She loves meeting a friend at a restaurant but today her hands fiddle nervously as she follows behind the hostess.

As she gets to her table and sits down, her mind wanders to questions about what Joe’s goal is with meeting. Her nerves build with each passing minute as she hopes that Joe won’t beg her to come back to Lancet with him again. She prays that after today, and with their finalized divorce, Joe will finally move on. Karen wants that for him desperately. After all, she hadn’t meant to hurt him and she had truly loved him at one point, or truly thought she did, she wasn’t sure. What she is sure about is that she has always cared for him deeply, and that is what made his treatment of her and Martha so horrible.

Her mind travels back to when Joe admitted that he had hired someone to watch her. That information sent a chill down her spine for more reasons than one. Not only did she of course not like the idea of some stranger following her every move, but it made her angry that this could affect Martha as well. 

One kiss seen by the P.I. could uproot Martha’s entire life that she had built here. She had come here to escape those accusations and Karen feels that she simply brought them all back when she ran from Joe. The last month has been amazing but the both of them had a difficult time feeling totally comfortable, knowing that there was a possibility of the P.I. still lingering around.

Karen’s swirling thoughts are paused as Joe catches her eye. He walks in through the entrance and follows after the hostess just as Karen had. Their eyes meet awkwardly as the hostess sets down their menus and walks away. Joe smiles nervously as he sits down across from Karen. He looks the same as he always does, but the anxiousness of his presence is palpable.

“It’s good to see you,” Joe says finally, “How are you?”

“I’m very well, thank you,” Karen replies softly, still trying to read Joe’s behavior.

“And how’s Martha?” Joe asks. Karen braces herself as he asks the question but to her surprise his eyes don’t convey that same anger that they had the last time they had seen each other. His jaw clenched ever so slightly but he looks more nervous about seeing Karen than anything, embarrassed even.

“She’s good. Busy with teaching but…good,” Karen says, unable to hide the subtle smile that tugs at her lips when thinking about the redhead.

Joe nods his head with a friendly smile, just happy to hear things are going well. His gentle acknowledgment of Karen’s words helps to soothe some of her worries and they eventually dissolve into conversations about what to order.

A few minutes after they order, their waitress brings out their drinks. They had both ordered dry martinis, both of them seemingly needing a little something to calm their nerves.

They sip their drinks in silence, questions and unsaid words looming over them until Karen finally decides to speak.

“Joe, why did you ask me here?” she asks softly.

Joe takes a final swig of his drink before setting it down and nervously looking up at Karen. He opens his mouth a couple times as he finds his words.

“I…I owe you an apology,” Joe starts with a low tone. 

Karen sits back in her seat and glances across his features, “Yes you do,” she says, crossing her arms and deciding not to let him off easy. She refuses to aid him in any way with his apology. This is something he needs to do on his own.

“Truthfully, all I want is for you to be happy. I couldn’t understand the possibility of you being happy with anyone but me, but that was foolish.”

“Joe I want to believe you but you hired a man to follow me. I no longer feel safe, do you understand that?” Karen asks with hurt in her eyes.

Joe swallows before continuing, “I do understand, and I know I behaved horribly. I got far too caught up in worrying about what other people thought, and that was selfish of me,” Joe pauses as he takes a deep breath. He worries that his apology isn’t going quite as well as he would have hoped. He’d rehearsed it in his mind, praying that he could make things right. Other than wanting to relieve his conscience and make up for what he had done, he mainly wants to make sure he doesn’t hinder Karen’s happiness, even if it’s not with him.

For the past month he’s nearly made himself sick thinking about the things he said, the insinuations he made. How had he expected himself to marry Karen if he couldn’t even trust her judgment enough to let her go? Questions like this one swarmed in his mind for the past handful of weeks and he had come to the conclusion that perhaps he and Karen were never right for each other, and they had just fooled themselves into thinking that they were.. 

“I should have never hired that P.I. and I should’ve accepted your wishes to leave. If it makes you feel better I can give you a copy of the paperwork I used to end the contract with him,” Joe says with determined eyes, knowing there’s no excuse for what he did but desperately trying to find a way to make Karen feel safe again. 

Karen looks into his eyes for a moment, trying to gauge his sincerity. It doesn’t take long for her to realize that he is telling the truth. They had been engaged for so long that she could do a fairly good job reading him.

She slowly lets out a breath and uncrosses her arms, “No, I believe you.”

Joe sighs in relief and nods to himself as he pulls out a box of cigarettes, his hands shaking ever so slightly. He lights one up and offers the box to Karen.

“No thank you,” she says even though part of her longs for one. She had finished her drink already and it didn’t do much for her nerves.

He lets out a cloud of smoke and manages to speak again, although it looks like it takes him a while to get the words out.

“I’m truly sorry, Karen. I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing you,” Joe trails off as emotions seem to well up inside him. For the first time, Karen sees into Joe’s worries and begins to better understand where his anger came from. He hadn’t truly been angry, he was just scared. Fear can make people do all sorts of funny things.

Joe clears his throat and takes a deep breath, “I hope you can forgive me.”

Karen’s shoulders drop as her guard finally comes down. Her heart feels lighter as Joe finishes his apology, and as she sees the Joe she once fell in love with sitting across from her. She places her hand on top of Joe’s and musters a smile.

“I forgive you, Joe. I truly do,” Karen says as Joe nods and lets out a sigh. His relief is immediate and he smiles to say thank you. It relieved such a burden off his back that he had been carrying ever since this whole thing began. The guilt of feeling so suspicious of his two dearest friends, of blaming Martha for it all, and the heartbreak of realizing Karen didn’t love him. He knows he can’t undo the past, but at least Karen forgives him. At least they can start to move on, no matter what that looks like.

“This doesn’t have to end with a goodbye you know,” Karen pauses as Joe looks up, “You’re still a dear friend, and we don’t have to be sick, high-tragic people forever. Maybe we can have lunch every now and then?”

Joe smiles softly in return. He had thought Karen wouldn’t want anything to do with him after how he had acted. However, seeing Karen treat him so kindly shows him that they still have a future of friendship together, and that’s more than he can ask for.

…

Karen and Joe finish their lunch on a good note, having spent most of the time after Joe’s apology, talking about the latest scandals in Lancet. It ends up being oddly cathartic to gossip about the people that had made their lives so unbearable.

They walk out to the front together, chatting lightly, just in time to see Martha drive up to the curb. She rolls her window down as they approach and glances nervously at Joe. She sees that Karen looks happy and so she reciprocates the smile that Joe gives her.

“Hi Martha,” Joe says softly as he puts his hands in his pockets.

Martha senses the same sense of nervousness and humility in Joe that Karen had, and it puts her nerves at ease a bit. This isn’t an angry man, this is Joe. The Joe that Martha had felt so guilty for despising because he was the one that got to be with Karen. But in light of everything that had changed, and with him no longer harboring that same accusatory anger, Martha feels much more comfortable.

“Hi Joe,” she responds finally, garnering a reassuring smile from Karen.

“Nice set of wheels. You’re a real city slicker now, huh?” Joe jokes as he glances at Martha’s nice car and stylish clothes.

Martha chuckles as Joe’s humor eases the remaining tension, “It better be nice, I spent my first two years here saving up for it.”

As Joe and Martha engage in their banter, Karen looks down at her empty hands, “I’ll be right back, I forgot my purse at our table.”

The two of them watch Karen hurry back inside and the both of them panic for a moment as their buffer leaves them alone. Martha taps her finger on the steering wheel anxiously and thankfully Joe ends up breaking the ice and continuing the conversation.

“Well, if you ever have any problems with it, give me a call. I have a mechanic friend that lives nearby and I’ll get you a good price,” Joe says.

“Thank you, I appreciate it,” Martha says, pleasantly surprised by how kind Joe was behaving, such a stark contrast to the last time they had seen him.

Joe nods and glances around, clearly having something he wants to say. 

“Martha, I want to apologize for everything. I never should have come to your apartment, and I never should have said those things,” Joe says as she clenches his jaw, clearly upset at himself for the way he behaved. He had been truly regretting the way he treated Martha. He might not fully understand, but he sure didn’t need to accuse her like that. It wasn’t fair and he could tell how much his words stung.

“Joe, it’s alright, really-” Martha starts as she senses how sorry he is.

“No, it’s not,” Joe interjects, guilt written into his features, “I want you to know that I don’t believe any of the things I said. I was out of my mind because I was losing Karen and you were the only thing I could blame other than myself. You’re a good person Martha, and you and Karen didn’t deserve any of this.”

Martha looks up at Joe with wide eyes, not having expected him to be so adamant in his apology. Hearing his words relieves some of the guilt she still held onto, of feeling responsible for everything that had happened.

“Thank you Joe,” she says softly. Joe nods and before much else can be said, Karen comes out of the restaurant and slips into the passenger seat with her purse in hand.

“Well, it was good seeing you girls. Be careful out there, city people drive like maniacs,” Joe quips as he bends down to peer at them through the car window.

“Thank you for lunch Joe, we’ll make plans for another soon,” Karen says with a friendly smile.

“Sounds like a plan,” he says as he waves at them both, watching them drive off and disappear behind the tall buildings.

…

They drive home quickly to get dressed before heading to the corner store to buy something to bring to the party. Within an hour, they’re back on the road, stuck in traffic as they head towards Chuck’s apartment.

The drive to Chuck’s is quiet, both of them not needing to talk about what Karen and Joe discussed. Martha can tell it went well and that’s all she really needs to know. After Joe’s apology to her she figures that Karen received one as well. Martha steers with one hand and hold’s Karen’s hand with the other, the two of them smiling at each other every now and then as the sun begins to set.

They pull up to Chuck’s apartment, toting a couple bottles of wine as they ascend the stairs. After knocking a few times, Chuck opens the door excitedly and pulls them in.

“Oh I was hoping you’d bring Karen!” Chuck exclaims as he pulls Karen into a hug, “Your hair is gorgeous,” he says with a gasp as he gawks at Karen’s short haircut. Martha smiles, glad to see someone else appreciating Karen’s new look. Karen looks down shyly when she catches Martha’s eye, suddenly sheepish with her staring at her with such adoration in her eyes.

“It’s stunning,” Chuck says as he fixes some stray strands, “You should let me cut it next time. I’ll do it free of charge,” Chuck says with a smirk as he turns Karen around to look at the back of her hair.

“Don’t trust a word he says, Karen,” Martha says as she shakes her head with a knowing smirk.

“I cut your hair that one time didn’t I?” Chuck blurts with an offended look on his face.

“Yes and I had to wear a hat for an entire month!” Martha counters, rolling her eyes as Karen chuckles.

“You just didn’t understand my artistic vision,” Chuck says pompously before turning and walking into the next room. Martha and Karen follow after him with amused smiles as they’re met with an array of sounds and sights.

They’re first greeted by Kay and her girlfriend who are sitting on the couch with beers in their hands. The rest of the room has a few other pairs that Martha recognizes, talking amongst themselves as music plays in the background.

“We brought refreshments,” Karen says with a light smirk as she holds the wine bottles out.

Chuck takes the bottles from Karen, “Oh I love you,” he says humorously as he chuckles with Karen. Martha rolls her eyes at Chuck’s dramatics.

“What are you rolling your eyes at? I haven’t seen you in nearly a month! You rarely answer my calls anymore,” Chuck huffs in playful annoyance as they follow him to the other couch. He wasn’t so mad but annoyed that Martha hadn’t dished to him what was going on with her and Karen.

Karen looks down at her feet, trying to look inconspicuous despite being the reason why Martha hadn’t returned his calls.

Martha feels a slight pang of guilt for ignoring Chuck for the last month. Although she knows he’s not the type to get too deeply hurt over her avoidance of socializing, she makes a mental note to answer his calls more.

“Yeah! You’ve been M.I.A. ever since that night at Julius,” Kay chimes in. 

“I’m sorry, I’ve had a lot going on at the school…” Martha says as her eyes meet Karen’s. Karen stifles a smirk as they look at each other and it melts Martha’s insides. It’s true that she’s been busy with grading but the both of them know she’s been so unreachable because she’s been catching up on lost time with Karen. Not to mention, staying away in fear of leading a P.I. to a bar full of homosexuals again. 

“Apology accepted, but I am now insisting that you two get drunk with me,” Chuck says with a smirk as he puts a glass of wine in each of their hands.

“That’s more than okay with me,” Karen says as she takes a drink out of her glass. Martha chuckles and resists the urge to wrap her arm around Karen’s waist. She’s spent so long being closed off about her relationships, even to her friends, so the desire she feels to show her love for Karen in a room full of people catches her by surprise. 

They all sit down on the couch and listen as Kay talks about a tiff she had with a man double her size, down at the loading dock where she works. Others chime in and tell their own stories, including one from Chuck about a man he was seeing. He ended up breaking things off when he found out he’s married with kids. 

“Karen, what have you been up to? Find an apartment yet?” Chuck asks, recalling that she had mentioned needing to look for one when they met a month ago.

“Oh, no not yet,” Karen says nervously, not wanting to accidentally reveal too much information than Martha is comfortable with. Chuck takes notice of her behavior and squints his eyes in suspicion.

“Where are you staying then?” Kay asks in between sips of beer.

Martha momentarily takes a deep breath at her friend's nosiness, but then she considers why she should feel the need to be secretive. It’s funny that before, she never felt comfortable talking about her love life. But now that she’s with Karen, something that she never expected could ever happen outside of her dreams, she wants to scream it from the top of every building in New York.

“She’s staying with me,” Martha explains briskly, wanting to spare Karen from having to deal with more questions. She figures that they’ll probably pick up on it eventually, so being honest is the way to go.

“Oh…how nice,” Chuck says as he cocks his head to the side and gives Martha a look that says, “why didn’t you tell me?”

Chuck and Kay share a look before the moment passes and someone else is telling another story. The night progresses and before long everyone is quite drunk. They sit around the kitchen table now as the living room has been taken over by some of the other partygoers who are dancing to the upbeat record Chuck put on. Chuck jokes loudly about something that goes past Martha’s head as the alcohol starts to cloud her judgment. She tries to pay attention to what’s happening but all she can do is watch Karen. The wine, and beer now that they emptied the bottles they had brought, has her feeling quite loose and quite in love. 

She watches as Karen laughs and chats with Chuck, her cheeks slightly rosy from the wine and her eyes bright with amusement. She feels so giddy that she can’t help giggling to herself.

She hears the song change as Chuck puts on a different record. It’s a slower song, and Martha watches as others filter into the other room, where couples are now slow dancing. Martha watches in admiration. Everything feels different now that she knows how they feel, being in love and being loved in return. Not being held down by all the love she has for Karen anymore, her heart soars seeing women loving each other so unabashedly. She no longer feels the pang of jealousy and regret fill her body as she now has someone to dance with, but not just someone, she has Karen. 

Martha breaks out of her trance and realizes that Chuck had finished his story and he and Karen are now sitting in comfortable silence, watching the couples dancing and sipping their drinks.

Karen watches the couples and tries to ignore how much she’d like to dance with Martha. She respects Martha’s privacy too much to ask her to dance, but she finds contentment in the way that Martha holds her hand secretly underneath the table. Just when she turns to take a glance at the redhead, Martha stands up and holds her hand out gently.

“Dance with me?” Marth asks softly, her eyes conveying all her love for Karen, not giving a damn who knows how much she loves the brunette. She can feel Chuck watching in confusion but her eyes stay trained on Karen.

Karen looks up at her with surprise in her eyes. Surprise quickly turns to love as well and she grabs hold of Martha’s hand, letting her pull her out of her seat and into the room of dancing pairs. She’s nervous at first at the prospect of dancing with a woman in a room full of strangers, but Martha’s confidence rubs off on her and she becomes intoxicated by Martha’s presence. In this moment she feels she would do anything Martha asked her to.

Martha pulls Karen close and rests her hands on her waist. Karen’s heart flutters and she puts her hands around Martha’s neck. The two of them start swaying slowly to the music, their bodies moving in sync and fitting together like puzzle pieces. Karen’s face reddens slightly as the nerves of being affectionate with a woman in front of others fills her, but she soon becomes lost in the music and in the way that Martha’s hands grip her waist.

They dance without a care in the world, even though they can feel Chuck and Kay staring at them from the other side of the room. Their eyebrows are furrowed in surprise as they watch in awe of Martha dancing so intimately and nonchalantly with Karen.

“Did you know about this?” Kay asks Chuck in an urgent whisper, her face twisted in confusion.

“Oh yeah, this has been a long time coming,” Chuck says with a chuckle. He smirks and shakes his head, proud of Martha for finally letting herself be happy. He doesn’t even mind that she’s been ignoring him, because he can tell how much she loves Karen, and vice versa.

Karen chuckles shyly when she sees the expressions on their faces, “Are you going to regret this when there’s no wine in your system?” she whispers in Martha’s ear.

Martha shakes her head lightly with a smirk on her face as she basks in the beauty of the woman in her arms, feeling as if she’s basking in the sun, “No, I’d do this in the middle of time square if I could.”

“So would I,” Karen says with a languid smirk. Her fingers trace light circles on the back of Martha’s neck and it puts butterflies in her stomach.

Martha reaches up with one of her hands and places it on the side of Karen’s cheek. She looks into her eyes for a moment, her heart melting as she peers into her deep doe eyes. Without a second thought, she leans forward and presses her lips firmly on Karen’s. Karen relaxes into the kiss and reciprocates. They hold each other, kissing softly with confidence that they had only dreamt of in a room full of people. When the song ends and another begins, their lips separate and they press their foreheads together, not wanting to pull apart quite yet.

Martha glances to the side of the room where Chuck and Kay are standing, looking so dumbfounded and surprised that it prompts her to start giggling. 

“I think we should go over there before they have heart attacks,” Karen comments, chuckling along with Martha.

“No, they’ll be alright. This is revenge for them teasing me so much,” Martha jokes, “Besides, I don’t want to have to let go of you yet.”

Karen smiles, “Martha Dobie, if I didn’t know better I’d think you were in love with me,” she says with a chuckle, cocking her head to the side innocently.

Martha chuckles in return, her heart fluttering at Karen’s gorgeous laugh and smile, “Karen Wright, I am endlessly in love with you,” Martha responds with a smile. 

She then plants another kiss on Karen’s lips, holding her waist for dear life. The both of them continue to ignore everyone around them for a while longer and they find such comfort and love in each other’s arms, that nothing else really matters.