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He looked at the stars, lost in his thoughts, alone in the night.
The moon seemed to look at him and judge.
Judge his stupidity, his lack of will to stop what’s tormenting his health.
If Bianca saw this. He thought.
Somehow his thoughts always came back to his sister.
She left him years ago, but he’s still haunted by her death.
I could have saved her.
It’s not true, he was a child, he had no idea of what was going on in her life.
So why was he still blaming himself?
He knew it was not his fault, not Percy’s fault.
Why can’t he just get over it like anyone else?
He put his lips to the cigarette that has been burning in his hands for the past five minutes, took another breath of it, and got lost in his head again.
Why am I doing this?
What if Will sees me like this?
He promised he will try to smoke less, he promised.
They’re arguments where half of the time about smoking, Will hated it, Nico couldn’t stop.
Who cares?
He will leave me, that’s it, he shouldn’t be with me in the first place anyway.
He felt guilty.
He felt sick.
Not because of the smoking, but the promise.
He promised to stop like Percy promised to protect, they both failed.
He lowered his head to take another breath, it tasted so bad but so good at the same time.
The drug was burning in his hands, the paper burning slowly, waiting for him to taste it again.
It was calling him, forcing him to continue.
As he took another breath he heard the door of the room open.
Fuck.
He didn’t move, didn’t hide, hide what?
He smelled like it, tasted like it, there’s no way to hide.
Still, guilt was hitting him, why can’t he just stop?
The window opened wide.
Will got out smoothly, as accustomed as Nico for this kind of situations.
"I hate when you do this" He said, voice calm and soft.
"I know" That’s all Nico said.
What was he supposed to say more?
He knew, but he didn’t care, that’s it.
Will sat down, waited a few seconds staring at Nico with beautiful blue eyes, and when Nico thought he’ll start screaming he simply said;
"What’s on your mind?"
What’s on his mind?
Why was he’s boyfriend so calm?
He would usually be screaming at him to stop, that he’s killing himself.
"Why do you ask?"
Silence.
"Because you usually have something on your mind when you smoke."
Then why do you ask now?
You could have asked when I wanted to kill myself.
He lifted his eyes, meeting Will’s blue ones, they looked sad and concerned.
Nico felt the need to cry, Will always had this effect on him, every time he looked at those two he felt the need to hurt himself, he always made his partner worry.
"I always knew you were feeling bad when you smoke, I was just kinda ignoring it, hoping I was wrong, that you were just trying to piss me off." He explained with regret in his tone.
"I…I’m sorry." That all Nico was able to say.
He wanted to say so much more but when he opens his mouth to try nothing came out.
"Why are you apologising?" Will asked, a little smile appearing on his face."It’s okay to feel bad y’a know."
"But I always feel bad, when I wake up, when I eat, when I work, when I sleep, there’s no time in the day when I feel alright, Sometimes I just want to disappear."
They both knew what that meant.
He never said the truth out loud, but they both knew.
"And that’s alright too."
Will was looking at him, his eyes fulled with love and compassion.
Sometimes only a glance is enough to make Nico fell in love again.
"Now, put out that thing, and let’s get back in to cuddle, sounds good?"
They look at each other a few seconds, and after a while Nico put down his cigarette, crushing it like an annoying insect that had been chasing him for hours.
"Sounds good"
They both then got back in the apartment, they didn’t speak, Will didn’t ask anymore questions and they just cuddled.
For the first time in awhile, Nico felt fine.