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Sirius looked at the photo album in his hands, full of happy memories, full of love. It was black leather, worn out from years of use and dusty from sitting on a shelf. It was one of the few that he had, but this one was the oldest, it meant the most. He hadn't opened it in a while, though. He couldn't muster up the courage or strength to open it and flip through the pages, he hadn't done it to any of them. He just let them sit on the shelf, collecting dust.
He felt arms wrap around his waist, chin hooking over his shoulder. “It's okay.” Remus whispered into his ear, his voice was thick with sleep, making Sirius feel bad for waking him. Sirius nodded, taking in a deep, shaky breath, looking down at the book and Remus' arms. They were holding him close just atop the waistband of his pyjama bottoms, rubbing small circles into his hip underneath the jumper he was wearing. “Let's go back to bed.”
“Can't sleep.”
“That's okay.”
Sirius reached up to slide the album back into its place on the bookshelf, then he turned around to look at Remus. He smiled sadly, wiping away the tears that were trailing down Sirius' cheeks, he wrapped his arms around Remus' neck, hiding his face into his chest. “Promise to never die.” he whispered after a moment of silence, pulling back from the hug so he could look at Remus who gave him a sympathetic smile, rubbing his back for a moment. “Remus please…”
“You know I can't promise that, love.” Sirius just sniffled in response, looking down as the tears fell, trailing down his cheeks before Remus could wipe them away. “But, I'll try my best.” He nodded, leaning back against him, feeling safe in the warm embrace. “Let’s go to bed, you need sleep, baby.”
“No.”
“At least come lay down with me, please?” He asked, brushing his hand through Sirius’ hair, frowning as he shook his head, sniffling quietly. “I don't want you to be sad all by yourself.”
“Then don't go away.”
“I’m here. I don't think I could even go with the way you're clinging onto me.”
“Sorry.” he whispered, letting go of Remus, wiping his eyes before glancing up at him.
“Hey no, you know that's not what I meant.” He whispered. “I don't wanna go anywhere, I was just joking, love. I want to be here with you. Come to bed with me, please?”
“Okay.”
…
Remus woke up around four in the morning, reaching for Sirius so he could pull him close and try to fall back to sleep, but he was met with an empty space and cold sheets. He sat up, looking around confusedly before getting up from bed in search of his boyfriend. He walked to the living room, but Sirius wasn't there. But he found him in the kitchen, sitting on a counter that was right next to a window.
He wasn't sure if Sirius noticed him coming into the kitchen, if he did, he didn't show it. “What are you doing, baby?” He asked quietly, leaning against the doorframe. He just watched Sirius shrug and pull one of his knees up to his chest, leaning his chin into it. He walked over to him, smiling as Sirius glanced at him, giving him a small smile. “Why are you awake?”
“Can't sleep.” He mumbled, sniffling quietly as he looked away again. “You can go to bed though.”
“I don't want to if you're not.” Remus whispered, brushing a strand of hair behind his ear. He could see Sirius' eyes slowly fill with tears through the reflection in the dark window. “Can you come back to bed with me?”
Sirius shook his head. “Do you- do you think they can see us?”
“I don't know, baby.” He whispered. “Maybe they're out there somewhere, watching over us. I hope they are.” He nodded, glancing up at Remus, making sure he was close enough so he could lean against him. He smiled slightly as Remus' arm wrapped around him, rubbing his side gently. “Is that why you're sitting out here?”
“Yeah.” He breathed out. “Can't see a thing, though. Too dark.” He said, sounding bitter and sad at the same time, making Remus frown slightly leaning to kiss his head.
“Maybe tomorrow night.” Remus whispered into his hair. “Supposed to be less cloudy.”
“Okay.”
“Wanna come back to bed with me? We've got work in the morning.” Sirius shook his head. “Okay, then.”
“You can-”
“No.” He whispered, interrupting him. “Gonna stay with you, if you let me.” Sirius nodded, closing his eyes for a moment as he leaned more against Remus. They stayed there for a while, eventually ending cuddled up on their sofa, watching the sunrise through their big living room window.
…
The next week or two went by like this, Remus would wake up in the middle of the night or too early in the morning to cold sheets beside him. His boyfriend no longer laying there, though he had been there when they went to bed. Then, he'd get up and find Sirius from various corners of their flat, living room watching some show with the volume, so low Remus was sure he didn't even hear it. Sometimes he was on their balcony, sitting in the freezing cold weather, looking up at the stars. Once he was even reorganizing and cleaning their kitchen at five in the morning.
Each time, Remus would ask what he was doing, and Sirius would answer with something simple and obvious like, cleaning the kitchen. When he asked what was wrong, he hardly ever got the answer, it was just shrugged off. He knew what was wrong, but Sirius didn't want to say it, neither of them did, it was easier not to talk about it. He would always ask Sirius to come back to bed with him, but every time he resisted, saying he couldn't sleep. Then they talked, Sirius asking some weird question that made his heart hurt, and Remus couldn't do anything but kiss his head and try to comfort him somehow.
Every so often he'd stay to sit with him. They watched the sunrise with steaming mugs of tea and blankets to keep them warm in the autumn breeze. He helped Sirius with cleaning out random drawers in their kitchen; they ended up spending the whole day cleaning every nook and cranny they could possibly find in their flat. Some nights he managed to convince Sirius to come back to bed with him, they'd cuddle up together, eventually falling back to sleep. The mornings after those nights, when Remus woke up, he felt relieved when he found Sirius still sleeping beside him and not somewhere trying to spend all his built-up anxious energy.
They never talked about it though, not once did Remus mention what had happened, or what they had talked about. He didn't because Sirius seemed to be in a good mood when he had gotten through those early hours of the morning. He smiled, giving Remus a soft kiss before he rolled out of bed and made them both breakfast. It was weird, it was as if all the sadness, grief, and anxiety that came out during the night was replaced by this happy energy, a good mood that nothing could ruin. Not until the evening came and got more quiet and reserved, then they went to bed and Remus would wake up without Sirius.
Even though Sirius seemed happy during the day, Remus could see through it. He was covering up all the pain, smiling it away until he couldn't. He wasn't sleeping, at most he got two to four hours of sleep, and it was wearing him down. He had dark circles under his eyes, only further highlighted by his pale skin. He constantly had a cup of coffee or tea within reach, fuelling himself up on caffeine to keep himself going. Remus could see the sad expressions, trembling hands, and shaky breaths when he tried to hold back tears that he refused to let fall. It was slowly breaking him down.
It broke his heart to see Sirius destroy himself like this, and there was nothing he could really do. He didn't want to push Sirius into something he wasn't ready for, talking being one of them. He didn't want to and Remus respected that boundary, maybe he'd talk when he was ready. But he felt so helpless, he couldn't do anything but tell Sirius it's okay when it didn't feel like it and provide him with all the comfort he possibly could.
It was a night just like all the previous ones, he woke up to a weird feeling and a lack of warmth without his boyfriend sleeping either cuddled up with him or beside him. So he got up, stretching out as he made his way out of their bedroom, finding Sirius quickly, he was sitting on the floor, leaning against a bookcase that sat right next to the sofa. He had the photo album laying on his lap, it wasn't open, but it just was there.
“Hey, baby.” He whispered quietly, Sirius glanced up at him, giving him a small smile, then looked back down at the album. Remus sat down next to him, taking his hand into his and intertwining their fingers together, Sirius leaned his head on Remus' shoulder, closing his eyes for a moment. “What-”
“Why aren't you sad?” He asked quietly, interrupting the question he had heard at least a thousand times by now, or that's at least what it felt like. “I don't understand. It's like you've moved on? But how- I'm still so… so sad. I don't understand Rem.”
“I haven't.” Remus whispered into Sirius' hair, kissing his head before continuing. “I'm still sad, and grieving. I think about them every single day, love. But it's different for everyone, isn't it? Everyone deals with loss differently.”
“I guess yeah.” He whispered. “I don't wanna be sad, though. I really don't.”
“I don't either.” Remus said. “But it takes time, it'll get better eventually.”
“When?” He asked brokenly, tears starting to well up in his eyes. “When does it get better?”
“I don't know, love.” It was silent then, both of them taking a moment to calm down. Sirius quickly wiped his eyes with his sleeves, then he lifted his head, looking at Remus. He smiled sadly, wiping away the tears that were trailing down his cheeks then leaned to give him a soft kiss. “I love you.” He whispered, leaning his forehead against Sirius'.
“I love you.” Sirius whispered back before laying his head back down onto Remus’ shoulder. “M’sorry I keep you awake.” He mumbled after a moment. “I don't mean to- I just can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes I can't stop seeing this- Just can't sleep.”
“It's okay, I don't mind being awake.” He said, rubbing small circles into his wrist with his thumb in an attempt to make him feel better. “Not if it's for you.”
Sirius smiled for a moment. “I'm so tired.”
“I know. I'm too.”
They fell silent for a moment, just sitting there on the floor of their living room, there was no light except for the small side table lamp that had been switched on. The curtains were drawn closed, blocking out most of the possible noise that came from outside. After a while, Remus reached for the album that was laying on Sirius' lap, he let go of his hand so he could wrap his arm around Sirius and pull him a bit closer.
“How about we flip through this together?” Remus asked quietly, leaning his head against Sirius'. “Makes it easier, yeah?”
“Yeah.” He whispered, waiting for Remus to open the book, he couldn't find himself to do that. It felt like too much of a task. Remus opened it, holding it up so they could both see clearly, the first picture was a group photo of them, him, Sirius, James, and Peter. They were all smiling, arms around each other. It had been taken in front of their school building sometime during winter when they were around 16. “Where do you reckon Pete is now?”
“I don't know. We should maybe call him sometime, catch up.” Sirius nodded, looking down at the picture, he smiled at the memory.
“Do you-” He trailed off, trying to form sensible words off of his scrambled up thoughts. “Do you think he knows? Y'know, about…”
“I don't know, maybe he does.” Sirius nodded, reaching to turn the page, somehow finding strength in realising there wasn't anything bad in this album, only happy memories from their school days. The next pictures in the book were various pictures of different parties they had thrown and been in, pictures of all of their friends taken when they didn't know. Photos of them doing random things, dates and all of these other memories that were long forgotten by now. It made them both smile and laugh when they remembered what had happened before or after taking a particular picture. There was a series of pictures where Mary had thrown cake at Remus for no real reason, and it ended up with a picture of all of them covered more or less in frosting.
Towards the end of the album there were pictures of lily and Remus being hidden behind piles and piles of books and papers when their final exams neared. Similar ones of him and James sleeping on said books, playing chess and bothering their partners instead of studying. The last few pages were designated for their graduation pictures, all of them in a group photo, all smiling, and laughing at each other, Sirius was pretty sure one of their teachers had actually taken that picture.
When they had gotten through the first one, Remus got up, only to reach for the other two, watching as Sirius smiled at him when he showed the books to him. He leaned back against Remus when he sat down next to him, opening the next one. There was a picture of him and Remus sitting on top of a few moving boxes, sharing a kiss. It had been taken on the first day they had moved into their flat, Lily had taken the picture and James had come to shove them off after it had been taken.
There were pictures of James' and Lily's wedding, more group photos at different places and things they had been to. There were long gaps between some photos, but they had tried to put them in a chronological order as best as they could, but some of them were in the wrong place. Then there were pictures of little baby Harry, all of their friends happy and taking turns holding him. It brought out a lot of memories, both of them feeling happy as they saw these pictures again.
The last album was mainly pictures of the last year, though it ended halfway through, the last picture was from Halloween. There was Harry, wearing a little ghost costume made from an old sheet, holding a pumpkin bucket in his hands, James and Lily standing behind him, Lily was dressed up as a cat while James was a pirate. On James' side stood Remus and Sirius, dressed up as the big bad wolf and red riding hood, Peter was there too who was in a police costume. On the other side, standing next to Lily were Marlene and Mary who was a zombie and Marlene who had created a skeleton costume for herself. They were all happy and smiling. It was the last time they had all gotten together, last time they had all been happy together.