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Remus closed the door behind himself, kicked off his shoes, dropped his bag by the door, hung his jacket on the hook and stepped further into their small apartment. He didn't get far until he stopped, only to the doorway. He saw Sirius laying on the floor of their living room, on a hardwood floor curled up on his side, right next to the soft rug.
“Hi love.” He whispered, walking closer. Sirius opened his eyes, watching as Remus walked over to him, first getting down on his knees, then shifting so he was laying down beside him. “Why are we on the floor?”
“It's comfy.” He whispered, voice hoarse like it hadn't been used in days. “You shouldn't- back always gets worse.”
“It's okay.” He smiled, reaching to brush a curl behind his ear, looking Sirius in the eyes. The grey looked darker than usual, he could see all the pain and hurt in them, all the anxiety and discomfort. It looked like a storm, wind whistling loudly, dark grey clouds filling up the sky, just waiting for the water to fall. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” He nodded, but dropped his gaze, though looked back at Remus when he cupped his cheek, gently caressing it. “I'm okay.”
“It's okay if you're not.” Remus whispered, watching as the storm calmed down slowly, eyes softening ever so slightly. It was a subtle change, something no one would notice, something so insignificant that it wasn't worth paying attention to. But for Remus, it was worth it, it was significant, it mattered. You could tell so much by just someone's eyes, and no one ever pays enough attention to it. He frowned slightly as a tear dripped down, it fell in the same way Sirius' guard did whenever he was with Remus, he could let it fall without shame.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don't be.” He said quietly, reaching for Sirius' hand, intertwining their fingers together once he gave it to him. He laid down on his back, smiling as Sirius took in the silent invitation to move closer and lay his head on Remus' chest, throwing one of his legs over Remus'. He closed his eyes when he felt himself be wrapped up in his arms, his safe place.
“I'm so tired.”
“I know, baby.” He whispered into his hair, rubbing his side over the worn out jumper. It was the kind of tiredness that sleep didn't help, no matter how much he slept or didn't, he'd still be tired. Even though he knew it didn't help, all he wanted to do was sleep, it was the only way he could get away from all the thoughts. Except when they followed him all the way to his dreams. Nowhere to run from them, nowhere to hide, he was left there laying on their bed, woken up from a nightmare, too tired and scared to sleep again. Sometimes he found the courage to wake Remus up like he had asked him to do countless times. Sometimes he didn't but just got closer to him, getting wrapped up in the warm embrace once again, hoping he could have better dreams when his eyes shut again without his permission.
It was quiet, he could only hear the clock ticking away quietly in the kitchen, it had bothered him for hours, but now it had blended into the background. He heard Remus’ slow, deep breathing and steady heartbeat right under his ear. It made Sirius feel even safer, just knowing he was there. Knowing he was with him and wouldn't go anywhere. It was just them in their own little bubble where nothing bad could ever happen.
His hip ached from however long he had already laid there, he wasn't sure how long it had been, an hour? Maybe two. He wasn't sure, but he didn't want to get up, no matter how much it hurt. Though, it didn't hurt that much anymore, that too had turned into a dull buzz that just was there, but didn't bother him that much anymore. His shoulder hurt too, but now that he wasn't lying on it anymore it wasn't as bad, the change in position had definitely helped.
“Should we go to bed?” Remus asked after a while, playing with his hair, slowly swirling it around his finger and combing his hand through. Sirius blinked his eyes open, slightly startled at the voice, before remembering it was only Remus. He shook his head after a moment of thinking, pressing himself closer as if to prevent him from getting up and leaving him alone. “Why not, baby?”
“I've been there the whole day.” He whispered, closing his eyes again. “And yesterday, and the day before.”
“How about we move to the sofa then, y'know it's much comfier than this floor.” Sirius shook his head again.
“Have to?”
“No, not if you don't want to.” He nodded. “We'll get up when you're ready, yeah? When you want, I've got nowhere to be, but here with you.” Sirius nodded again, feeling more at ease. “Do you wanna talk?”
“No.”
“You sure?”
“I don't know.”
“Okay.” He whispered, kissing his head. “I'm here if you wanna talk, anytime, love. Always here for you.”
Sirius hummed, getting lost into his thoughts again. He didn't remember why he had even laid down onto the floor in the first place, he remembered getting out of bed and maybe taking his meds, and then he was on the floor. It was like the past few hours had just disappeared, like time had only started running at normal speed when Remus came home. Before that, it had either gone way too slowly or too fast, anything but the normal speed.
He wanted to talk, it would probably help, but he didn't know what to talk about. He wasn't sure what was wrong. It felt like everything and nothing was wrong at the same time. He was tired and anxious, but he wasn't sure why, he just was. There just were these random anxiety inducing thoughts floating around, no way to let them out. They were just stuck, piling on each other, making it all worse. So, he thought it would be easier not to say anything, he didn't want to bother Remus with these lost random thoughts that barely made any sense.
But, whatever it was, it made him so incredibly sad, and he couldn't even tell why. The feeling was slowly suffocating him, it felt hard to breathe, and he could feel himself trying to catch his breath. It brought tears to his eyes, but he wouldn't let them fall. He could feel them burn in the corners of his eyes, but he just couldn't let them go. The task of holding the tears back felt almost impossible, it was so overwhelming, and it felt like the dam would break from the smallest poke at it. It would fall and crumble into pieces without-
“You can cry, Sirius. If you need to” Remus whispered quietly, gently caressing his cheek. That was it, that was all it needed for it to break. It felt impossible to hold the emotion back after that, the tears just fell without his permission. Sirius still shook his head, he didn't want to cry. “It's okay, baby. I'm here, right here with you.”
“Don't want to”
“I know, love. But sometimes we need to let it out, yeah? Doesn't do any good to bottle it all up, does it?” Sirius shook his head, more tears spilling out as he hid his face more into Remus' chest. “Shh, it's okay, there you go. Just let it out, sweetheart.”
“I-I’m sorry.”
“No, shh. Don't be. Nothing to say sorry for.” He whispered, playing with his hair slowly. “It’s all okay, baby.”
“Breathe love.” He whispered, running his hand down his side, then back up again, hoping to help him calm down his breathing. It took a while until he calmed down, the tears slowly dried away and his breathing wasn't as fast anymore. “Feeling better?”
Sirius shook his head, wiping away the tears with his sleeve, sniffling quietly. “Sorry.”
“It's okay, baby, don't say sorry. You don't have to feel better, it's okay if you don't.” Sirius nodded slightly. “Anything I can do to help?”
“Don't go.”
“Wasn't planning on it. Don't worry.” Remus whispered, kissing his head. “I'm here. Always here for you.” It was quiet again for a while, Sirius taking a bit more time to calm down before slowly sitting up, looking at Remus. “Wanna go to bed?”
“Yeah.”
Remus smiled, getting up from the floor and offering his hand for Sirius to help him up, he smiled, letting himself be pulled up and led to their bedroom. “Moony?” Remus hummed, turning to look at him. “Can I have your jumper?”
“If you want.” He smiled, handing Sirius' favourite jumper to him. He pressed it up to his face before pulling off his hoodie and changing into the jumper, then he climbed into bed, getting under the covers. He smiled slightly when Remus climbed in next to him, and he could cuddle up to him.
“I feel so bad.” Sirius whispered after a moment of silence. “I don't even know what it is- it just hurts. It's stupid. I don't like it. Make it go away, rem. Just make it go away.”
“You know I would. I'd take all the pain from you, if I just could.” He said quietly, brushing his hand through Sirius' hair. “I love you, baby. More than you know.”
“Even like this?”
“Especially like this, love.” Remus whispered, kissing his forehead when Sirius lifted his head to look at him. “Love you so much.”
“I love you too.” He said. “Don't go away.” Sirius whispered as he rested his head back down, hiding his face into Remus' neck. “Ever.”
“I'm here, baby. Won't go anywhere.” Sirius nodded, smiling slightly as Remus pulled the blanket better over them. “Try to sleep, yeah? I'll be here if you wake up. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, rem.”