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Chapter Text

My name is Orter Mádl, and I have a secret. 

My younger brother is ... the cutest in the world.

Of course, such a secret is not easily maintained, as one look at Wirth should be enough for anyone to understand. Amazingly, though, no one seems to notice. (Disclaimer: There have recently been reports of students at Easton mysteriously disappearing, but as the Desert Cane has been personally investigating the matter, the Bureau of Magic is positive the cases will stop soon enough.)

No matter. Orter's love is enough for a thousand of them. Perhaps hundreds of thousands. Or millions. but every time he has tried showing Wirth his love, he always ends up with a face full of mud. He supposes it is quite cute, even if it is a violation of the rules to attack a Divine Visionary. Anyway. He still has his Limited Edition Platinum Quality Life Sized Wirth Velvet Stuffed Peluche: The Younger Brother Who Really Responds® to talk to. And naturally, his other merchandise. Such as Wirth pins, Wirth mugs, Wirth tote bags, Wirth magnets, Wirth keychains, Wirth hoodies, Wirth t-shirts, Wirth posters, Wirth blankets, Wirth artbooks, Wirth action figures, Wirth photocards, Wirth facemasks, Wirth puzzles, Wirth Nendoroids, and finally his Wirth lightsticks.

He did attempt to customize the crest on the back of his robe into Wirth's face, but the Bureau must have accidentally rejected him, and the various appeals sent afterwards. He settled for having pins on the inside of his robe, but after Wirth himself saw them, they ended up covered in mud. He relegated the most fragile ones back to The Wirth Goods Room and kept a few on the inside of his sleeves.

As expected, more than one foe in the past has tested his love for his cute little brother, but Orter would have never expected this from another Divine Visionary. It happened when he was lessening his workload as he listened to his Limited Edition Platinum Quality Life Sized Wirth Velvet Stuffed Peluche: The Younger Brother Who Really Responds® talk on his desk when he felt his brother's presence in the building. It should have been impossible. Wirth should be headed for his third class of the day (Orter has the schedule.), but he was at the Bureau of Magic. Which creep would encourage his younger brother to skip school? He would be dealt with swiftly...

As soon as he stood up, Ryoh, the obstacle, moved behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. His smile was weird. "Where are you going?"

"Bathroom." 

"Liar."

"The kitchen."

"Eating is only permitted during breaks."

"Home."

"Absolutely not." 

My name is Wirth Mádl, and I have a secret.

Recently, I've been thinking of working for the Bureau of Magic. 

That idea wasn't new, his father had decided that for him years ago. But this time, Wirth had thought about it on his own. About his family, his father. The effort he put into studying and magic, and most of all, his future.

He found only one solution ...Prison. No, not like that. As a guard. It was perfect. A job that required courage, skill, and self-discipline ... something Wirth himself lacked, along with any worth whatsoever. The truth is, without the ability to be in any way useful to his father, the Bureau of Magic, or anybody in any other way, Wirth supposed he could at least be useful in keeping the current peacefulness going or supporting those who do... (Disclaimer: Wirth Mádl lacks any sort of self-confidence, and is therefore utterly unaware of the kind of skills he possesses, which could make a list that the character limit on this site wouldn't be able to handle. Please continue reading with caution.)

Wirth was worthless compared to his older brother, a Divine Visionary, or his father, an important member of the Bureau, so staying in a detention centre away from the official headquarters would make sure he didn't get in the way. Not to mention, his father had complained many times about just how unorganized things have been since Innocent Zero and his children had been detained, so maybe, he could even make himself useful to his father...

Words of praise weren't expected, nor was recognition, Even though Wirth had thought long and hard about it, and Abel-sama helped him realize that his worth wasn't determined by how useful he was, old habits died hard. So he entered the surprisingly empty entrance of the Bureau of Magic and headed straight to where he needed to hand in the form.

My name is Kaldo Gehenna, and I... I am next to the craziest man in the world. 

As a Divine Visionary and Head of the Magic Talent Administration, Kaldo has always been aware that Orter Mádl had a talent of one in a million, no, ten million. Of course, that diligence transferred to doling out punishment, as well as dealing with the hefty paperwork assigned to them as Visionaries. But this... this was beyond the scope of a Divine Visionary.

The fastest a stack of paper had ever been finished was 27 hours. It is rumoured that Ryoh Grantz had rushed through an entire month's worth of paperwork to rush home to his wife. It is also rumoured that the very same night, Ryoh Jr. had been conceived...

But now! Now, Kaldo was an unwilling witness to the true power of a Divine Visionary... Orter Mádl. One of the most powerful Magic users alive was going through a stack at Mach speed! The only thing Kaldo could see was the pile quickly decreasing in height. He had to weigh down his plate of sashimi to avoid it being blown away. At this rate, Orter would ...!

"Done." 

Orter Mádl, the Desert cane. And... the man who held the world record for the fastest monthly quota met in ten years. In three minutes and thirty-five seconds.

My name is Nerey Shawn. After Innocent Zero was defeated, I was finally able to get back to my life without worries!

... Is what I would say, but I am swamped with work!

It's not easy being a staffer for the Bureau of Magic! Every year, hundreds of students from Easton, Walkis, and Saint Ars rush to fill up the spots and deliver apprenticeship forms! Some are third years, as you need to be at least 18 years old to fill out the form, but most of them are way older. This is because unless a student has relatives in the Bureau, most applications by those under 30 are overlooked!!! And a previous apprenticeship is necessary to be a member of the Bureau!!!

It's totally unfair!!! Nepotism at its finest!!!

... Is what I would say, but it's none of my business!

I'm only in charge of receiving apprenticeship application forms and sending them to be reviewed! And since Innocent Zero has just been recently defeated, the number of applications is basically zero!!! That's right, get lost suckers!!! Ha ha h-

"Excuse me."

"Huh?" 

"Is this where I can turn in the apprenticeship form?"

Nerey Shawn blinked once ... and then twice ... and then realized that a Divine Visionary's brother was standing in front of him, and promptly went into cardiac arrest. 

For this extremely convenient reason, the narrator will therefore be in the third person, and occasionally influenced by Wirth's emotions. Thank you for your patience. (Disclaimer: Nerey Shawn was later reanimated in the nearest hospital.)

Wirth looked down at the staffer, who was foaming at the mouth, and had no time to blink before the building itself shook. A few grains of sand rolling down at his feet were the only warning he got, before what would be most accurately described as a tsunami flooded the hall.

He lifted his wand instinctually, but could not even mutter half a spell before he saw the hint of a long cape. The sand suddenly shifted into a curtain around him and his brother, who was now face-to-face with him.

"Wirth."

... As always, his older brother was ahead of him. He thought he could get away without greeting him, considering he was definitely waist-deep in work, but he probably caught Orter during his break. Great.

"Niisama." With a bow of his head, he put his wand away and held onto the form tighter. The sand reluctantly moved out of his way when he turned to place the paper on the reception desk. "I was just leaving."

"It's been a while. Are you applying for an apprenticeship?"

"Yes. But-" Wirth glanced at where the staffer used to be, but instead of the unconscious employee on the ground, he was greeted by a sand copy of his older brother. Which was substantially taller than Orter actually was.

"... Even Divine Visionaries have to remember the struggle of the average employee sometimes. Please hand over your application and it will be reviewed by the relevant department."

Wirth looked at him straight in the eyes and walked to the next booth. Another sand copy was there. This one was even taller.

"Are you making fun of me?"

"Please hand over your application."

In the end, Orter Mádl was peacefully tranquillized, and Wirth's application was immediately accepted as soon as it was reviewed. And so, all was well in the Bureau of Magic ... The End.

Chapter Text

My name is Cell War. I'm one of Innocent Zero-sama's creations, and I'm currently in jail. But I'm ... in the same cell as the Devil's Quintuplets!

Of course, being next to Innocent Zero-sama's four eldest sons is an honour, and I am eternally grateful, they're way too scary!!! They were technically brothers, sure, but being in close proximity to them all day, every day, was way too much! E, especially Famin-sama... he was the worst... sure, Delisaster-sama was also the worst, but that was because of how much Cell was forced to drink because of him! Bottle after bottle... he shivered at the memories.

"Cellie, are you cold? I'll warm ya up!" 

"Eek!" He narrowly avoided a direct tackle from Delisaster-sama. Which would have been impossible if he hadn't been handcuffed. They all were, except for Cell. He guesses he wasn't considered as serious a threat as the others. Not that he was complaining. Everyone in there deserved the handcuffs except for Doom-sama.

"Cellie. That was so rude?" That scarily sober voice made him shiver... just five more days ... five more days and his sentence would be over...!

"T, that was instinctual..."

"Are you a wild animal?"

"A rabbit." Cold hands suddenly grasped his shoulders.

"Eek! F-Famin-sama ..."

"What? Big bro, are ya blind? Cellie's totally a cat."

"Rabbit."

"Cat."

"Pudding."

"That's not an animal."

"You three," Doom-sama's sigh shook the room, at least from Cell's perspective. It was so comforting... at least one of his big brothers was sa-

"Are wrong. Cell War is clearly a hamster." 

"... Doom-sama?"

Four days. Only four days left. Only four... 

"Cellie, dodge this!" 

"Delisaster-sama!!! Please do not throw the guards at me, it will extend your sentence!"

"Whaaat~ I can't hear ya! Scream louder!" 

Three days. Only three days left...

"Cell-kun. Do you know why Pudding is great?"

He wasn't sure where Epidem-sama got anything other than the slop they were fed from. He ... he didn't wanna know. "Please enlighten me, Epidem-sama."

"I guess it can't be helped. I'll start with the basics. At the core of Puddingology is a belief that each human has a reactive mind that responds to life's traumas, clouding the analytic mind and ..."

Two..! Only ... Two...

"Cell War. I ... Have a request." 

"Huh? D-Doom-sama, please feel free to ask me anything."

Just then, the restraints on Doom-sama's body popped and flew through five different walls with great force. Calmly, Doom-sama sat down with his legs crossed, and pat his thigh.

"Call me Oniichan."

"... Doom-sama?"

After years ... years (three weeks) of being stuck in there... finally!!!

"1089, out." He stood up, taking great care in not looking behind, or to his sides, or above himself. 

"Hmm? Cellie, did you get in trouble?" 

"Let me out too."

"1091, 1093! Quiet! You," The guard pulled on Cell's sleeve quite harshly, but he was in such bliss at finally being out that he found himself not minding at all. "Hurry up."

He was in such bliss in fact, that he did not even glance back while trying to keep up with the guard dragging him out.

It was truly amazing how life always managed to screw Cell right over. After being released from prison, life was supposed to be good!!! He got a milk delivery job, a fairly decent relationship with the people running the local dairy shops, and a liveable wage! Now though... with great distress, Cell War looked at the local newspaper...

Innocent Zero's Sons All Released From Local Jail Due To Good Conduct (And Totally Not Bribing Anyone). The Big Baddies Are Totally Reformed! 

Here is a quote from Delisaster-sama, the 4th son of Innocent Zero, along with a picture of all four brothers doing voluntary work!

"Cellie, your big bros are coming! Big bro, no- you can't say you'll stab him in front of the journalists. They'll throw us back in. No, you can't stab them either-"

Unfortunately, the quote had to be cut short because of a personal squabble between the brothers. See more below!

Every damn line of that article was nightmare fuel!!! Charity? Social services? Delisaster-sama once broke his arm! Epidem-sama periodically injected him with mysterious liquids!! Famin-sama thought anything remotely empathetic was boring!!!

And Doom-sama... No, well, it was absolutely possible Doom-sama did charity work. That might have been how they got out of jail.

But seriously!!! And out of all the times to see the article, right when he was in the middle of the city, on his only free day in the year! He thought about going into witness protection, although he had a feeling not a lot of protecting would be done.

Which is why he was now on his bike, going faster than ever before through a very obscure forest path. Sure, being alone didn't help, but being surrounded by people was way worse. When he got caught- which was a matter of time- he was sure none of them would stop to care for civilians, and Cell wasn't interested in being dragged back to jail for manslaughter, especially with them. 

Fear aside, all about this was so dumb!!! If they wanted a damn toy, they could get one!!! Make one with magic, buy one, even hire one!!! No, they had to target-

"Cell-kun." 

"UWAH!" He jumped out of his bike when Epidem-sama suddenly appeared on the road, flying so far that he ended up on top of a bush. A very hard bush. A bush suspiciously reminiscent of Famin-sama's lap. "F... Fa..."

"I like your earrings. Give me."

Delisaster-sama popped up from behind him. "Cellie! There you are. I've never seen you so healthy-looking, what a shame!"

"Cell-kun, you haven't attended the sermon in seventy-three days ... we need to read Puddard's writings aloud." Epidem-sama appeared again, and Cell's earrings were suddenly ripped from his ears.

Doom-sama's sword hit the ground lightly next to him and caused a small earthquake. "Cell War. Your hair is longer." 

"I... I'm..." His headpiece was spun around Delisaster-sama's finger, and a bit of blood dripped down his ear.

"Huh? What's up Cellie?"

"I'm so sick of you! Can't you get a hobby for once? You get out of jail after three months and the first thing you do is go to torment me? Get a job!"

"Cellie. You're kinda pissing me off?"

A sudden pain in the stomach was all he could process before he vomited various amounts of blood, although he was a bit more alarmed at Delisaster-sama's tone. Or the smile. It was probably the smile. "I'm so kind that I came to see you, but my little bro isn't greeting me respectfully at all? Is it because it's been a while since I've said I'll kill you?" 

"Cell-kun. I've been kind because you're a fellow Puddingologist, so I shall be merciful this time too." He felt a prick in his neck, and the edge of his vision got blurry.

"Only talking's no fun. But your face makes up for it. Cry a lot." This time, he got stabbed for real.

A light breeze hit the wound, and Doom-sama lifted his sword from the ground by the blade. "Cell War."

"...Doom-sama?"

In the end, Cell War recovered and eventually got four restraining orders, plus a fifth one for Domina Blowelive. Not because he did anything, but just to make sure. And they lived happily ever after. The End.