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Winter in California should have been everything Buck wanted. The temperature hardly ever dropped below 50, it barely rained, and when it did at least it wasn’t snow. But winter in California came without all of his favorite things about the winters in Chicago. The hot chocolate scent that filled he and Kelly’s apartment because they insisted on always having a cup. Being able to warm his cold hands up under Kelly’s shirt, his feet between his legs. Watching that first snowfall and counting the moments of peace before calls started piling up because somehow it took 9 months for people to forget they knew how to drive in the snow.
It came without fighting over the fact that a stationwide secret santa was stupid when half the people ended up getting gifts for everyone anyways. Buck always got a lot of looks for that one, but he couldn’t help it if his gift giving was his love language. There was no fanfare about where they’d host the annual holiday party.
Instead, he drew a secret santa out of a hat, he made hot chocolate for one. He invested in a pair of gloves for the colder days. He pretended that he didn’t regret running across the country to avoid the pitying stares everywhere he looked.
He pretended that spending Christmas alone again didn’t make him feel miserable. Running again after years of setting down roots made it hurt all the more. He knew he could set down roots at the 118. The people he worked with were perfectly pleasant, but something ached in his chest at the idea of doing so. Like he was betraying the family he made in Chicago, like he hadn’t already done so by leaving at the end of the fall.
He knew they understood. That when something in he and Kelly broke it made the most sense for Buck to be the one to go. He knew no one was expecting him to go so far, but honestly the idea of switching shifts, or switching to another house in Chicago where people would have known what happened was not something Buck was prepared to deal with.
Chicago belonged to Kelly. It was just that for a little while, so did Buck.
+++
He worked on Christmas. It was nothing he hadn’t done before, but this time as he listened to his coworkers lament about missing their families all he could offer was a tight nod. When they asked him if he had anyone at home he simply shook his head, because home wasn’t a place it was a people, and he left his people.
He got text after text from everyone at 51. Videos wishing him a Merry Christmas. Videos saying how much they missed him. From everyone.
Well everyone except the person Buck was running from.
It didn’t matter, they were done. A clean break was for the best. Which meant it made no sense when he pulled out his phone to send the simple text.
Buck: Merry Christmas
Kelly: Merry Christmas Ev
And that was that. He tried to pretend he didn’t feel lighter for the rest of the shift.
+++
Working New Years almost would have been preferable to being alone. He knew there was work, all of the fireworks that people were shooting off always led to minor fires, trees, dumpsters, sometimes houses. But because they worked Christmas they got New Years off. This time all the videos he got were of 51 drunk at Molly’s. Ringing in the New Year the way he had for so many years.
He pretended he didn’t look for flashes of Kelly in every video he was sent. He didn’t pretend well.
The 118 had invited him to a get together, and he had gone. But instead of sticking around to watch the ball drop, by 9:30 he was back in his own living room. He wasn’t totally sure why. Maybe it was because he knew the midnight videos were going to start rolling in soon and he wanted to be able to watch them real time. Maybe it was because they said what you were doing at midnight was what you’d be doing the rest of the year and a small part of him wanted to be just with 51 for that, even if through a screen. Like he could pretend just for a night that he didn’t leave.
There were a lot of nights he played into that fantasy. It never came true in the morning.
At 10:00 exactly a text rolled through, and Buck’s heart leapt into his throat.
Kelly: Happy New Year
Buck: Happy New Year
Buck hated the relief he felt. Because if Kelly was texting him at exactly midnight he wasn’t off kissing a stranger. Buck shouldn’t have cared, he was the one who ran. But it took both of them to break what they had, and if Kelly had moved on already while Buck was still picking up all of his broken pieces he wasn’t sure what he would have done.
+++
Buck hadn’t spent a Valentine's day single in years. Hen and Chimney had ribbed him slightly about finding someone to spend it with, but whatever his face showed made them drop it pretty quick. So when their shift came by he was prepared to listen to Hen talk all about her plans with her wife, and that was fine. He wasn’t bitter. Especially not about the bouquet of sunflowers and peonies. Because really, did they have to get the same flowers Kelly always bought him? It was like a smack in the face that he was truly alone.
“Delivery for you.” Hen said, nodding at the table, and Buck tripped over own feet. He instantly ripped through for the card, which he found quickly, heart stuttering in his chest.
E,
It didn’t feel right not getting you flowers for the holiday.
Always,
K
Hen and Chim made some noises about how he had said there was no one, but how was he supposed to explain this. That his ex had bought him the flowers because after years of getting them for him for every occasion he didn’t feel like Buck should have to go without. It warmed him up and made him cold at the same time. Cold in a way that settled, like a blanket wouldn’t ever warm him up. Cold in a way California wasn’t but Chicago was, and that was where Buck’s heart was.
Instead of replying, he pulled out his phone.
Buck: Thank you for the flowers.
Buck: Happy Valentines Day Kel
Kelly: You deserved them
Kelly: Happy Valentines Day Ev
+++
Winter of course had to come to an end, but it didn’t give Buck the same relief that it did in Chicago. Spring coming in LA meant nicer days sure, but things didn’t change much. It wasn’t really any different than the winter except the sun was out longer. In Chicago he always felt the difference. Saw the way the trees started to bloom again, birds started chirping, felt the slight ache of depression that set in with the winter ease off his bones.
There was none of that here. Just more excuses to run to work from his apartment to escape the screaming in his head that he had made a mistake coming to California in the first place.
There was another bouquet waiting for him at work, this time he didn’t doubt it was for him when he saw the same arrangement he always got. He instead just walked up to it and removed the card with a small smile.
E,
I know this was always your favorite unofficial holiday
P.s. Herrmann says you should have come home to help with the Molly’s spring cleaning
Always,
K
Buck wanted to smile at the absurdity of it all, but instead his gaze was stuck on one word. Home. Sure, he had still mentally been calling it home since he had walked out the door, since he had hopped in his jeep and drove for hours. Called it home over the apartment he got that was too cold, too open, too bright. Windows too big for the blackout curtains he and Kelly hung so they could sleep off their shifts without a care in the world.
Someone was saying something, but it all sounded muffled. Home.
Buck: Home, huh?
Kelly: You always have a home here
Buck: Thank you for the flowers
Those three bubbles popped up and disappeared five times over, and Buck bit the corner of his lip as he waited for a reply. Finally it came through.
Kelly: You’re welcome
+++
Easter came and went with little fanfare. He sat at his boss’ table for dinner, because according to Bobby he couldn't spend a family holiday alone. He didn’t want to explain to the man who seemed very devoted to religion that he was a lapsed catholic who had spent the last 4 Easters eating chinese takeout on his couch with his boyfriend- ex boyfriend.
He wasn’t out at the 118, he wasn’t sure why. They seemed accepting of Hen and her wife, but there was always the fear of being the queer guy. But also talking about being queer opened him up to having to talk about Kelly, and that was a can of worms he wasn’t planning on opening. How was he supposed to talk about that with anyone when he didn’t understand it himself? The longer he was away the less he understood his reasons for leaving.
Their fight had seemed so insurmountable in the moment. Ending their relationship had made the most sense to both of them. Now that the smoke had cleared he wondered if they hadn’t both been so stubborn- didn’t matter now he supposed. What was done was done. Flower deliveries didn’t matter when Kelly, the man who always came for him, was firmly planted in Chicago and Buck was still in LA.
+++
Summer in LA was a hellscape. He knew it would get hot, and the heat was fine, but the heat in his turnouts was awful. He thought it had been bad on those summer days in Chicago, but that had nothing on the dry oppressive California heat he was facing.
He regretted saying he wished he worked New Years for the firework calls, because working the fourth of July, getting nonstop callouts to put out minor fires, shoving his turnouts on without being able to stop and rinse the sweat off was a special form of torture.
He didn’t quite understand why people insisted on lighting them off at all hours of the day, waiting until night time would have been so much more effective, but he supposed alcohol made people do stupid things.
Stupid things like text their exes.
Kelly: I miss watching the fireworks with you
Kelly: We had so many traditions and now I’m just alone for all of them
Kelly: What am I supposed to do without you
Buck wanted to cry. He hadn’t sat down outside of riding in the truck in hours, and now he was dealing with this? Of course he had wanted to hear these things, he had wanted Kelly to miss him for ages. Wanted to know that Kelly felt the empty space in his chest same as Buck, but he didn’t want it to be on the tails of an empty glass of bourbon or four. He wanted it to be because he just fucking couldn’t stand Buck not knowing.
Buck: Drink some water Kelly
Kelly: That’s all I’ve had. I’m with the Herrmanns.
A photo then came through, of Kelly surrounded by the Herrmann kids, and Buck dropped his phone. Because what was he supposed to do with that? He knew Kelly took babysitting seriously, knew that if was supposed to be watching the kids, even slightly he’d remain sober. So what the hell compelled him to send those texts.
Kelly: I’m here and you’re not. And this was our anniversary, and I keep getting all of these looks, and instead of everyone ribbing us about getting engaged soon I’m getting asked if you’re ever going to come home
Kelly: So yeah, I fucking miss you
God he was an asshole, of course he knew it was his anniversary, but he didn’t have to deal with anyone else knowing about that. Didn’t get any pity, nor sympathy. But he took the coward's way out.
Buck: I can’t do this right now, I’m at work and we’re getting slammed with calls
He hesitated before sending the next text.
Buck: I miss you too
+++
In August it was Buck’s turn to send flowers. Kelly was always the one to give them to Buck, with the exception of his birthday. That was the one time of year Buck made sure to go all out. Kelly tended to balk a bit otherwise. So he ordered the biggest bouquet he could and sent it to their- Kelly’s - apartment, along with a container of chocolate covered strawberries, and a happy birthday balloon.
He forgot about the time difference because he woke up to a text.
Kelly: Thank you for the flowers
Kelly: And the card
Kelly: Always Ev.
Always, because Buck signed his card with forever. Maybe they shouldn’t have kept going with that given that they were two thousand miles away from each other, and no longer together. But something about them still felt like a forever and always kind of love.
Buck: Happy Birthday Kel
+++
The arrival of fall didn’t come with the beauty of the leaves changing to the yellows, reds, oranges, and eventually falling off the trees. It came with the need to wear a light jacket. It came with a bouquet in early September on his birthday with a card signed always.
It came with Halloween and all of its weird calls with no one to really share in the absurdity with, because he still felt like an outsider to his coworkers. With the chill settling in his bones that had nothing to do with the weather and everything to do with the slight seasonal depression that apparently followed everywhere, even sunny LA. With the depression that had nothing to do with the season, and everything to do with the fact that it had been nearly a year since he left home and he still thought of it as that.
He had left just before thanksgiving the year prior, and something about the idea of spending the next set of family holidays all alone felt lonelier than it had before.
Because Kelly hadn’t even disappeared the way he thought he might when Buck ran. Neither of them moved on. Instead they were ghosts haunting each other from across the country.
November came with Buck walking into the station to a hush. To dragging himself up the loft stairs to yet another bouquet.
This time attached to the man who was always sending them. Buck froze on the last step. Like if he kept moving Kelly would disappear like an apparition, conjured up by Buck thinking too hard about missing him on the anniversary of the day he left.
Instead he spoke. “I uh. I gave you a year. But it’s time to come home.” Kelly said, and Buck launched himself up that last step up to Kelly. Kelly whose arms opened automatically letting Buck fit himself into the space between them.
+++
Winter came with hot chocolate, and snow, and hands being warmed under shirts, feet being warmed between legs. It came with Christmas surrounded by family. It came with a ring in a box left under a tree. With a yes.
It came with a forever, and an always.