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Yukina has always known she is a simple person.
Perhaps simple is not the right word, she thinks. Detached, more like.
She does not feel strongly about many things in her life, not like the people around her do. Kasumi, Ako, Hina, and even Lisa sometimes. They always speak of the mundane things surrounding them with enthusiasm, with fascination, with cheerfulness and happiness.
Yukina thinks they are fascinating themselves. The way emotions come so easily for them in the tiniest bit of inspiration. How there is enough space in their heart for it to soar with such modest, simple, rustic joys.
She is not the same, Yukina has always known that. She does not feel those things like normal people do. Not many things can capture her attention, let alone keep a hold on it for a prolonged period of time so that affection or attachment has a chance to grow.
Not many things can make her heart feel like bursting into flame with raw, intense emotions. Not many things can make her want to smile and laugh and put them in a capsule of time, durable against the passage of days, and for Yukina to treasure in rainy days to come. Soothing.
Music has always been one of those things for her, for as long as Yukina can remember. Solely. Wholeheartedly. The one unique existence that can ignite Yukina’s soul and keep it aflame.
It is fine that she never feels as strongly about other things around her as people do, Yukina reasons. Because she has music to keep her company, and that has been enough, for the longest of time.
Yukina’s whole existence has been entangled with music. It is what she is used to, so intimately familiar with her entire life. Music. And Lisa.
Because Lisa has been one of those things for her, too. A fixed existence in her life, intertwined with Yukina’s own for as long as she can recall. Lisa had been a constant presence since her childhood, and even when they went through their rough patch toward late middle school and early high school, Lisa was still there, patient and steady. Always so, so steady. And kind, even when Yukina did not deserve it.
But Lisa is different from music. Drastically different. Yukina can feel it, the way her heart beats to a different rhythm when Lisa is by her side as compared to when music is the only thing on her mind.
Music sets her heart aflame. It blazes with a burning passion. Heated and strong and unwavering in its intensity. The way it makes Yukina feel like she can soar so high and far away, over the highest mountain and across the widest ocean in the world. Music makes her feel like she is invincible. It breathes life into her soul.
But Lisa is not like that. She is calm, grounding, and solid. A constant presence. Yukina knows she can fly and wander as far away as she likes and when she turns around, Lisa will always be there, with her. Either by her side, with a firm grip on her hand and a gentle smile on her lips. Or behind her, when the spotlight focuses on Yukina and Yukina alone, fond reverence in her green eyes, patient and attentive and proud.
Lisa is not like music. She does not set Yukina’s heart aflame. She soothes it, rather. The myriad of charred imprints and scorched remnants whenever the heat is too strong and unforgiving, sometimes.
Yukina’s heart does not speed up whenever Lisa is with her. The opposite, really. It slows down to a quiet calmness. Tranquility. As if the whole world outside has disappeared and the only thing that matters is how Lisa smiles at her, kindly and prettily.
It is not ignited passion that compels Yukina to smile back, though a bit more reserved than the light emanating from Lisa’s patient eyes. It is something else. Something that does not burn as brightly in one single instance, but more prolonged. Sustained and serene.
Something which feels long-lasting, and inevitable. Like forever. Reassuring in its promised eternity.
Lisa is not music, but she makes Yukina feel all the same. She is not music, but Yukina needs her in her life all the same.
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Yukina cannot imagine how her life would have been, if Lisa or music was not an integral part in it. Or both.
She thinks she has shown her dedication toward music very explicitly for everyone around her to see. The strength and extravagance of her devotion match how music makes her feel. Alive, burning and brave. Enough for the whole world to feel it, too.
But Lisa is not like that. How she makes Yukina feel is the opposite of that. And so Yukina matches it, by showing her devotion to the bassist in simpler, quieter, more private ways. A fire that simmers instead of burns, protective in lieu of vehement, steady in reverse of sporadic.
Lisa makes it look so easy. Showing affection, Yukina means. Through comforting words (“I always believe in you”), reassuring touches (Yukina really, really likes her forehead kisses), and just small gestures of fondness the bassist exhibits solely for her (knitted scarves, felted keychains, and honeyed radish when she is sick).
But Yukina is… not good at those things. They do not come as naturally for her. But she can learn, definitely. Because Lisa deserves the effort.
Just like how Yukina pours her heart into music, she would not be any less determined with an equally significant part of her life, the formative ground on which her entire being is carved.
However, in order to learn, she needs some help and guidance, first and foremost.
“Only a quarter of a cup into that, Minato-san.” Sayo frowns at her when she is trying to measure the dry flour mixture. “Anymore, and it would be too hard for the ingredients to mesh together.”
They are in Sayo’s kitchen, on a Sunday afternoon after Yukina had asked the guitarist if she could teach her how to make cookies. Sayo was surprised at the request, but when Yukina explained she wanted to make them for Lisa, the tealnette agreed readily enough.
Sayo had offered to perform some of the more complicated steps for her, as she is the experienced one in this situation. But Yukina did not want that. Not that she has anything against Sayo, it is simply because she wanted the cookies to be her own creation, a product of her time and efforts.
And so Sayo has resolved to simply stand there, in the kitchen, giving out directions once in a while. Yukina only hopes the cookies come out as pretty as she longed for them to be.
Pretty and sweet and whatever positive characteristics cookies should have, appropriate as a manifestation of her feelings towards Lisa. Something Yukina won’t have to be ashamed of when she presents them to the bassist.
“Is there any particular shape you would like the cookies to be in?” Sayo asks when she has deemed the mixture is satisfactory enough.
Yukina only blinks owlishly at her. She had not thought about that, the possibility of having the cookies in shapes other than the conventional round. But in hindsight, she should have. Because Lisa and Sayo always have cookies in interesting shapes all the time, most commonly cats and dogs and the occasional demons for Ako’s enjoyment.
Sayo only sighs at the lost frown on the vocalist’s face. “Minato-san, does Imai-san like any particular animal?” A suggestion, with the intention of coaxing out the other girl’s thoughts on the matter.
Yet, Yukina still cannot find an answer to it. Because, the truth is, she doesn’t know. She does not know what Lisa’s favorite animal is, not like how Lisa knows hers are cats. She doesn’t even know Lisa’s preferred cookie flavor, and it only occurs to her now that she should have thought about it before going with chocolate.
She does not know any of those things, even though she should.
After the silence between them has stretched out for far too long, Sayo shakes her head and mumbles, “I guess we can go with bunnies. I think Imai-san likes them enough, judging by the accessories I see her wearing. Would that be agreeable to you, Minato-san? Or we can just go with the usual round shape?”
Yukina feels lost. Out of depth, in uncharted water.
She can feel Sayo’s eyes on the side of her face, attentive and imploring. The dejection must be evident on her face, clearly, because it is not long before the guitarist speaks up again, “May I ask why do you want to make cookies for Imai-san in the first place?”
Sayo’s voice is careful and gentle. Her voice is not always like that, not normally. Yukina is familiar with her enough to know this kind of intonation is reserved solely for when she is apprehensive of spooking the other person away. Similar to how one would treat a wounded puppy. Or a confused one.
“Because you and Lisa always make cookies, so I thought she likes them too. Doesn’t she?” Yukina replies, a bit unsure.
It appears to be the wrong answer, because Sayo shakes her head at her hopeful eyes, “You know she makes them because she thinks you would like them, right? She told me so before. It does not necessarily mean she likes them herself.”
Yukina looks around at the bowl with the cookie mixture, the various utensils, the stove, and the half-filled tray in helplessness. “Does that mean I’m going in the wrong direction already?”
Sayo only shrugs, but there is sympathy in her eyes when she looks at Yukina, “I’m not sure. I think that is something you should ask Imai-san. However, I do think cookies are a safe way to show one’s dedication. Think of it as the first step towards the right direction, Minato-san.”
Okay, Yukina can work with that. She can finish this cookie batch, as the first step. Then she will make sure to learn more about Lisa’s preferences the next time she wants to try something out. It is the prudent, and necessary, thing to do.
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Yukina brings the cookies with her to school the next day, with the intention of giving them to Lisa later.
It is a normal day of classes. That is to say, Yukina does not pay much attention to the things the teachers are saying in the front, her brain is deep in focus on coming up with the lyrics for their next song.
It can’t be helped, she supposes. She needs to do this now, since her time after class today will be spent for Lisa. It is a balanced act, carving a place for both music and Lisa’s presence in her life. Sometimes they overlap. Sometimes they don’t. Yukina appreciates them all the same.
There are times she belongs only to music. And there are times she belongs only to Lisa, too.
Lisa finds her after the last bell rings, usual cheerfulness in her green eyes as she watches Yukina pack the last of her stuff inside her schoolbag, ready for their walk home together, like always. A constant fixture in her life.
It was not until they stepped out of the train at the right station, about ten more minutes of walking until they reached their houses, did Yukina finally muster enough courage to approach the topic.
Lisa walks alongside her, pleasantly humming some song under her breath. Her footsteps waver when Yukina grips her shirtsleeve, firmly enough to draw her attention to the other girl who has stopped on the pavement.
The bassist cocks her head to the side, in confusion, “Yukina, what’s wrong? Do you want to go to the music store? Or the coffee shop?” She looks down at her watch, a simple white one with a cat-paw-patterned strap, “It’s still early. I think we can do both if you like.”
“No, I…” Yukina lets go of her shirtsleeve and reaches inside her schoolbag until she finds the thing she is looking for.
Lisa’s confusion turns into bafflement, and then astonishment when Yukina presses the cookies, wrapped in a nylon package with a neat red bow, into her palm. She looks at the cookies in her hand for a full five seconds, frowning at them.
Yukina coughs to draw Lisa’s attention again. When green eyes blink up at her, the vocalist explains, “These are for you. I made them. I have to admit, I don’t actually know if you like cookies or not… But I already did it anyway, and I think I should give them to you. Because they are made with you in my mind, in the first place.”
Lisa only stares at her, for so long that Yukina is getting nervous at the intensity in her eyes. She does not think she has ever given Lisa anything before, so she is not sure if this is her normal reaction whenever someone gives her a gift.
It was always Lisa, out of the two of them, to make Yukina something. Yukina thinks she should fix that, starting from now.
Green eyes do not leave her face, even when Lisa finally speaks up, quietly, “I… Thank you, Yukina... These are lovely.” The vocalist thinks she can hear her voice tremble just the slightest bit. She frowns, because that does not seem like a good sign.
“Really? Or are you just saying that to appease me?” Yukina asks, skeptically. Lisa has a tendency to bend to her wimps too much sometimes, “I highly doubt it, cause this is my first time. Besides, I don’t even know your favorite flavor, or if you actually like cookies or not…. I’m sounding very ignorant, aren’t I?”
Lisa shakes her head and laughs. The sound is different from her laughter whenever they are in the presence of other people. It is quieter, more subdued, and not as carefree. But fond, so fond. Yukina can feel her apprehension fades away at the kindness in her eyes. Kindness and appreciation.
“No, it’s alright. Of course I will like them, Yukina, if they are from you.” There is that warmth in her eyes now, the kind of warmth that is reserved solely for Yukina lately. “I was just… surprised. Why do you suddenly make these for me? Is there some celebration or anniversary that I’m forgetting?”
“No, nothing of the sorts.” Yukina shakes her head, “I simply wanted to do something nice for you.”
Lisa is looking at her like she is the sun now. As if she has hung the moon and the stars and all other pretty things in the sky just so she can observe their preciousness. Yukina is uncertain about it, because she does not think she deserves such affection.
No, not her. Not someone who doesn’t know what Lisa’s preferred cookie flavor is. Yukina wants to change that.
“While doing that, I realized I don’t know any of your favorite things.” The vocalist breaths out slowly to keep her composure, “Your favorite flavor, animal, even color…. And I want to. Lisa, all that stuff, will you tell me?”
It is unfair, Yukina thinks, for Lisa to know all of those things about her and she doesn’t know about Lisa. But she wants to.
Not just because she should know, since they are childhood friends. But because Yukina wants to.
Lisa smiles. A very pretty smile. Also different from the smiles she carelessly throws to the wind at school or at Roselia practices. The kind of smile that appears when Yukina is the only one in her vicinity. Not as brightly as the sun, but soothing like the moon, rather.
“How about I show you my favorite food first?” Yukina takes the hand offered to her and lets Lisa steer them off the path to venture into a grocery store close by.
She remembers Lisa once told her this is the place where she frequently does her weekly grocery shopping with her mother, because it is close to their houses.
Lisa keeps her close by her side, Yukina does not have any complaints about that. Makes it easier for her to mentally note down all the things Lisa points out in the store, as they wander aisle by aisle leisurely.
“You see, I kinda like grapes, out of all the fruits…. And also cheese, but not Parmesan… I like sweets as well, which I suspect might be influenced by you, really…. Ah, can’t forget broccoli either, even though I know every one of our friends is not fond of green veggies.… You won’t hate me for liking coffee too, right Yukina?”
Yukina shakes her head, “No, of course not. I can never hate you, Lisa.”
She can feel Lisa’s smile when the bassist presses a kiss on her temple at that. It is nice, when she can feel Lisa’s arm wrap around her waist to draw her closer, too. The proximity might have itched the old Yukina, a long time ago, but now it has the exact opposite effect.
They have been closer to each other lately. It feels like something has changed, shifted. It happened so naturally and gradually, so much so Yukina is uncertain what exactly it is.
They are in the freezer section of the store now, but somehow Yukina does not feel cold the slightest bit. Not when Lisa is so close to her side. She thinks Lisa is close to her heart, too.
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A few days after that. Another day of practice late into the night at Circle. If they plan to make it to Future World Fes this year, long practice session like today will become a normal occurrence soon.
It is dark when Yukina walks out of Circle, after practice has concluded. Rinko and Ako already departed their way, citing some limited event in NFO that they absolutely must finish tonight. Sayo refused their request to join them, since she is still waiting for Hina to come and get her so they can go have dinner together.
It is a recent thing, Sayo explains when Yukina asks about it, while they are waiting in Circle’s lobby. Sayo for Hina and Yukina for Lisa, who is currently making appointments for their next practice session.
Sayo and Hina have come to an agreement to have dinner out once per month, time spent together to foster reconciliation, on neutral grounds that are not laced by the shadows of their past strenuous relationship.
“Onee-chan!” It is not hard to recognize the enthusiasm in Hina’s bright voice. Yukina smiles as the student council president cheerfully skips closer to where they are standing. Sayo only sighs in indulgent exasperation.
“Oh, and Yukina-chan too!” Hina grins as she halts in front of them, “Hey, did Lisa-chi like the cookies you made her the other day? You and onee-chan made such scary faces back then… I hope it turned out well enough?”
Hina was also there that day, loitering around the house and poking her head in the kitchen worriedly when the silence between Sayo and Yukina was bordering on being too suffocating.
“She did. Thank you for your help too, Hina.” Yukina allows a small fond smile to curve at the corners of her lips as Hina’s eyes light up. The younger Hikawa’s excitement is certainly infectious, it seems.
Hina’s smile soon turns to a pout after that, her attention now directed to Sayo standing stiffly next to them. “Lisa-chi is so lucky! I wish onee-chan would make cookies for me too…” Sayo only narrows her eyes at the puppy look now cast her way.
Yukina imagines if Hina really had dog ears, they would definitely be drooping now in sadness. “Haizz, I guess that’s the perk of being close friends with someone. It sure wins over being sisters with someone, isn’t that right, onee-chan…”
Close friends. Yukina’s eyebrows furrow at the word. She hasn’t thought to define her relationship with Lisa lately. Lisa has been her friend, for the longest time. Even when Yukina did not have any other friends and Lisa was the only one with that title in her life.
But now, Yukina dares to think of many others as her friends, too. There are Sayo, Rinko, Ako, Hina, Kasumi, to name a few. She has more friends now, so Lisa is not the only one holding that title in her life anymore.
That… doesn’t feel right. Because calling Lisa a friend feels to Yukina like she is trivializing the significance of the brunette’s place in her heart. She is a unique existence, the same way music is a unique existence in Yukina’s life. Lisa should not be considered equal to other people, at least not to her.
Even close friends does not feel enough, too. Because close friends is still on the same plane as friends, only more intensified, with more strings attached. Yukina’s lips press into a thin line, a bit upset at herself for not being able to come up with the right word to describe how precious Lisa is to her.
She is a lyricist. Finding the right word is her thing. Her wheelhouse. What she should be adept at. She has gotten complacent lately, it would seem.
“Hey, sorry for making you guys wait.” Yukina’s ears perk up at Lisa’s voice, the bassist has finally rejoined them after her task is complete, “Oh Hina, fancy meeting you here.”
“Lisa-chi! I was just telling Yukina-chan how lucky you are to have someone making cookies for you! Onee-chan won’t make any cookies for me….”
“Fufu~ Yes, I do feel quite a lucky girl, indeed.” Lisa’s amused green eyes turn her way. Yukina is conflicted between wanting to blush at the affection or argue back that she is the lucky one here. “But hey, who says you have to wait for Sayo to make you cookies? I can teach you how to do that, so you can make them for Sayo instead.”
Hina’s dejection evaporates immediately, the same time Sayo pinches the bridge of her nose in dreadful anticipation. “Really?? You would teach me that?!”
“Of course I would! I can even teach you how to make them in those doggie shapes that Sayo loves, too.”
“Imai-san, please…”
As their small group jokes around and laughs on the way out of Circle, Yukina keeps her eyes fixed on the side of Lisa’s face. Whenever she has trouble with lyrics, Yukina always finds it useful for her to close her eyes and imagine the words in their tangible forms, easy to capture and paint down in bold ink on a blank canvas.
Close friends. Yukina thinks if she looks at Lisa carefully enough, she can close her eyes tonight and see the right word appear behind her eyelids, too.
Word that can encompass the many feelings Lisa and only Lisa can kindle in her lately. Word to reassure her of the brunette’s unique place in her life, safe and far away from other people’s reach. In a realm of her own.
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She decides to talk to Lisa about it. After thinking, contemplating, writing, and all else have failed her in the quest to find the right word.
Because Lisa is very in tune with her feelings, more so than Yukina is, even though they are her own feelings. The brunette has a certain way of teasing out what Yukina truly feels every time. It might be a special gift of hers, or it’s from Yukina feeling comfortable enough around Lisa to the point of lowering all her inhibitions.
Yukina knows she can talk to Lisa about anything. Anything, and the bassist would never judge. She would never condemn Yukina for feeling the way she is, even when Yukina thinks the subject matter is trivial and small, yet Lisa never seems to share the sentiment.
They are at Lisa’s house, on a normal Wednesday night. Lisa has convinced her to come over so they can study for the exam next week together, but both of them know there is not going to be much studying for Yukina anyway. The vocalist always procrastinates her reviewing to two days before the exam, and Lisa accommodates her way, too. Simply as that.
And so, Yukina finds herself leaning back against the headboard, half-written lyrics in her hand, quietly observing Lisa sitting just a short distance away from her. Reviewing notes, pens, and flashcards scattered on the bed around the brunette.
Lisa is a hardworking student, especially in the week leading up to the exams, because she knows she would have to be the one to impart all that knowledge to Yukina later.
“Lisa?” Yukina asks. The bassist only hums, a bit distractedly. “Do you think we are close friends?”
Lisa turns to her at that, green eyes blinking in perplexity, “Of course we are, Yukina. Why do you suddenly ask that?”
The vocalist frowns. Lisa said it like it is a given, the notion that the two of them are close friends. Like it is a fact that should not ever be doubted. With such sureness and conviction, too.
“It’s just that, Hina called us that before. Close friends. It got me thinking…. And I don’t think I agree with it.”
She can see Lisa flinch visibly with that. Green eyes blink a few times at her before darting away rather abruptly. How the brunette’s jaw clenches so tightly and her shoulders hunch up in defensiveness.
Yukina is familiar with this form. She had seen this many times before, back when Roselia hadn’t formed and Lisa was still chasing after a fragmented shadow of her back.
This is Lisa trying to retreat into herself. Far away from Yukina’s reach. The vocalist berates herself for her callous, inconsiderate words. She had promised to never make Lisa have to feel that way anymore.
“No, I didn’t mean that you’re not important to me. I meant the opposite,” Yukina leans forward and places her hand on Lisa’s thigh. Placatingly. The apprehension is still visible in Lisa’s distressed frown, Yukina rushes out to soothe it, “I mean, I don’t think we’re close friends, because I feel like we are more than that.”
Green eyes widen at the words. Yukina watches her face carefully, and when her tight frown has loosened up a bit, the vocalist scoots closer on the bed, so she can reach out and touch Lisa in case she messes up what she is about to say, again.
“Lately, I have been thinking… I have friends. But they are not as important as you are, to me.” Yukina frowns, “And yes, we are close. But calling us close friends just… doesn’t feel right. I don’t think you’re a close friend to me. Not with how you make me feel.”
“How do I make you feel, Yukina?” A whisper, small and tentative, “If not close friends, how would you describe our relationship then?”
“I don’t know,” The vocalist sighs forlornly, “That is what I need your help with, I think. Because I can’t seem to find the right words to say…”
Lisa gathers all the notes, pens, and papers on the bed into neat stacks and leans over to put them away on the table. When she turns back to Yukina, she takes the hand resting on her thigh and intertwine their fingers instead.
Yukina has her full, undivided attention now. The silver-haired girl swallows drily at the focus in those green eyes. How considerate and intense they are.
“Tell me, then.” Lisa squeezes her fingers reassuringly, “Tell me what you think, and I will help you. Help us, too. No need for fancy words, Yukina. I only want your truest thoughts, even if they are messy or unkempt. ”
This is Lisa in front of her. She is kind, and will never judge. And so Yukina takes a deep breath to gather her thoughts.
“You’re like music, to me. But not entirely… You are a part of my life, an indispensable part, just like music. But you don’t make me feel the same way music makes me feel.” The vocalist shakes her head.
“How do I make you feel then?” Lisa repeats her question earlier, just as quietly.
Yukina frowns, “With music, it’s like I’m burning from the inside out. But you, you don’t burn me. You’re like water, or the earth... You make me feel calm. Ground me when I get too lost sometimes.”
Lisa squeezes her hand again. Yukina squeezes back this time. She is silent, awaiting the rest of Yukina’s thoughts. Encouraging and patient. Soothing.
Lisa has always been a constant fixture in her life, ever since they were little, chasing after each other in the playground, Yukina with her toy microphone and Lisa with her tiny tambourine. She has always been there in Yukina’s life, and has become a part of her, too. Lisa’s existence has been embedded into her heart and soul so concretely, and irrevocably.
Yukina dares not imagine how she would have turned out without Lisa in her life. A Yukina without Lisa is as dreadful a thought as a Yukina without music. And she would do everything in her power to protect both of them, preserve their presence, their light.
The reserve is true too, Yukina would like to think so. Because for as long as Lisa has been in Yukina’s life, Yukina has been in Lisa’s life as well, even when they were estranged.
Many facets of their personalities were built upon the existence of the other, interwoven and complement each other so easily, almost effortlessly. Like two puzzle pieces, made to fit. An exact match.
That’s how Yukina thinks of them lately, too. As each other’s. Lisa is hers and she is Lisa’s. A certain belief, she thinks. A conviction. Something her heart knows to be true.
“If I have to explain how I think about us,” The vocalist looks up into Lisa’s patient eyes. There is fondness in them. “I wouldn’t say we’re close friends. Because I think you’re mine. You’re not my friend, just… mine. And I’m yours, too.”
Lisa has always been with her, every step of the way. Yukina believes she will always be there with her, too. Both at the present, and into the future as well. Perhaps forever.
There is astonishment and amazement in Lisa’s green eyes now. Almost as if she does not believe what Yukina just said, or does not believe it was Yukina who let those words out so deliberately, giving them the freedom they seek.
“Do you feel the same way?” The silver-haired girl frowns, when Lisa has been quiet for too long, “Or was I in way over my head, for thinking about it like that? Am I too selfish and unreasonable, to think of you as mine?”
“No!” The word is rushed out so fast it almost gives Yukina a whiplash. Lisa’s grip on her hand tightens. “I am. Yours, I mean. I have always been yours, Yukina. I just… didn’t expect you’re mine, too.”
Yukina is confused. Baffled, even. “Why didn’t you expect that? If you’re mine, then of course I’m yours too.” For as long as Lisa had been in Yukina’s life, Yukina had been in Lisa’s life as well. There should not be any doubt about that.
It is basically a fact now, at this point. The Sun is a giant star, there are 8 billion people on Earth, and Yukina Minato is Lisa Imai’s, just as much as Lisa Imai is Yukina Minato’s, too.
“Sometimes, you seem so far away from me, Yukina.” Lisa’s words have a touch of melancholy in them, “Like you can disappear if I’m not careful enough to keep a hold of you. I guess that means I’m not as certain about things as you can be.”
That is Yukina’s fault, she knows. The reason behind Lisa’s insecurities. The time Lisa spent chasing after her shadow is longer, more profound, than the time Yukina has been able to reassure her now, with words and touches and affections. Their reconciliation is still fresh on her mind, and Yukina is sure on Lisa’s mind too.
It would take time, but Yukina is not too worried about that. Now that they are here, they have all the time in the world to figure this out, together. She has always been patient and determined, with the things most important to her.
“I’m sorry,” Yukina says sincerely, and cuts through the protests she can see already forming on Lisa’s lips, “I’m trying to make up for those lost time. But please believe me when I say you’re the most significant part of my life, on par with music. I’m yours, too, as much as you’re mine.”
Lisa’s eyes soften. Appeased. “It’s okay, Yukina. You don’t have to try too hard. I like you the way you are. A bit stubborn and dense sometimes, but it’s endearing.”
Yukina pretends to scoff at that, but Lisa is too good to be fooled by her façade. The brunette reaches out and touches her jaw, gently. Yukina tries not to lean too much into the reassuring caress. If she can purr, Yukina is pretty sure she would be purring to her heart’s content now.
“So, the next time Hina calls us close friends,” Yukina speaks up again, emboldened by Lisa’s forbearance of her feelings, “I can deny that.”
“And what would you have said, instead?” Lisa only chuckles at her, “Yukina, you can’t go around telling people you’re mine and I’m yours. They would think we’re weird. There are other ways to express how you feel about me, you know.”
Yukina blinks. That’s right, the whole reason Yukina had come to her in the first place, so Lisa could help her pick out the right word to describe their relationship. How dear Lisa is to her heart.
“There are? What are those, Lisa?”
“Hmm,” Lisa’s smile turns mischievous now, taunting, “Nah, I think I will let you figure it out by yourself.”
The vocalist is unhappy with this refusal, “But you promised to help me, if I agree to tell you my thoughts.”
“Yukina,” Her ray of moonlight only whispers, firmly yet encouragingly, “This is something you should figure out yourself. Think more about it, my love. I’m sure the answer will come to you soon.”
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Yukina keeps thinking about it. How to describe the way she feels about Lisa. There must be a definitive word for that, she thinks. Especially when Lisa sounds like she knows what the word is, but she keeps refusing to tell Yukina so.
She resolves to make this a priority, putting it before lyrics in her mind. There are going to be many songs in her life, from now onwards. But there is only one Lisa, always has been and always will be. Yukina knows which one of the two requires more attention from her now.
It is a beautiful Saturday afternoon, on a rare day when Roselia does not have practice. Lisa has a shift at the store, and so Yukina decides to go to Circle, hoping that a change in scenery might help facilitate her thoughts and solve this mystery.
She is sitting at one of the tables in the courtyard. It is the weekend, so there are more people loitering around than usual, but Yukina does not mind. She has learned how to effectively tune out all background noise a long time ago, having a plethora of experience through exercising it during classes.
Her ears are now trained to pick out only the sounds she deems important enough, like the voice of a certain favorite pianist of hers. “Yukina-san? What are you doing here?”
Yukina turns around to look at Rinko, who is watching her with a curious tilt of her head. “Good afternoon, Rinko.”
The black-haired girl takes a look at the various notes scattered around on the table, in one of Yukina’s attempts to write her feelings out with the hope of harmonizing them together into a unified form, an approach she has taken for lyrics writing. But it doesn’t work, not with this, because none of the phases or the expressions is enough to convey how she feels.
“Are you working on lyrics for our new song?”
“No, not at the moment.” Yukina shakes her head, “Although, it is something similar, in a sense. I’m trying to come up with the right word for my feelings, but have not made much headway…”
“I see… Do you, perhaps… want some help?” Rinko smiles at her. Yukina likes her smiles a lot, too. They are gentle, so gentle, and kind. A bit different from Lisa’s fond smiles which Yukina is more used to, but she likes it all the same. The softness and care carved in it.
Yukina nods and gestures to the chair next to her. Rinko sits down and asks, “What seems to trouble you, Yukina-san… if you don’t mind me asking?”
Yukina does not mind. Rinko is her friend, she won’t judge. And the pianist is one of the most emotionally resilient people she knows, despite her timid exterior. There is a hidden strength in her heart and soul, and unyielding courage, too.
Rinko and Ako have always been the backbone of Roselia, the anchor grounding their sound. Yukina is bound to trust her judgment in matters relevant to feelings.
“It is about Lisa.” The vocalist sighs. A tiny flicker of worriedness blossoms in Rinko’s purple eyes, only to be appeased as Yukina shakes her head reassuringly, “No, nothing bad happened. It’s just that… I can’t seem to find the right word to express how I feel about her lately.”
Yukina thinks she is cheating, a little bit, to go to Rinko with this, when Lisa already said this is something she should be able to figure out herself. Well, it is not Yukina’s fault she is a bit slow in this kind of things. Lisa said she liked her this way, so the vocalist supposes it would be fine.
“Hmm,” Rinko taps her chin thoughtfully, “I can see how it can be a dilemma. Imai-san is clearly very important to you, so it would make sense for you to want to express that.”
“Yes, exactly.” The silver-haired girl nods, glad that she is making enough sense for Rinko to understand, “Lisa is like music to me. Significant. Like something I don’t feel there are enough words in the world to describe. Yet I can’t seem to come up with just one single word for it, unfortunately.”
“Ah, music…” The keyboardist smiles again, wistfully this time, “I understand that sentiment. We’re musicians…. music is in our blood, in every single one of our thoughts… And so there is that someone, too, who is in our veins and in our heart… Flowing so seamlessly, like it’s where she belongs.”
Yukina simply stares at her, in wonderment. Because that’s exactly how she feels, too. Did Rinko manage to learn how to read minds recently, or Yukina is just that transparent?
Or perhaps it is through shared experience, the vocalist thinks. Out of everyone in Roselia, Yukina and Rinko are the ones who were naturally inclined to follow music's will, the first time they got a taste of the joy it can bring, ever since they were young. Music is in their blood. It has always been their calling.
Sayo picked up the guitar as an escape from her sister’s shadow. Ako was the opposite route. And Lisa leaned into music the same way she leaned into Yukina’s existence in her life, slowly and gradually at first, until it became a fundamental part of her being.
“It is easy, then. How do you feel about music, Yukina-san?”
“I love music,” There is not a single second of hesitation, because this is something Yukina knows, deep in her heart. Has always known, since she was little and heard her father sing for the first time.
“I love music, more so than anyone in the world. It is my passion, my infatuation, even. There has not been a day in my life when I didn’t know that.”
Rinko only chuckles, quietly and warmly, “And didn’t you say Imai-san is like music to you? I think, Yukina-san, you know the answer to that already. It is not something you need to ponder this hard over…”
Yukina blinks at her.
It is simple, just like that. How come Yukina never thought about it before. How come the sentiment and the word evade her grasp for so long. Sneaky little thing, this foolish heart of hers is.
She knows now. And this is something she should have known a long time ago. Something she should have said to Lisa a long time ago, too. There is not a moment to waste anymore.
Yukina stands up and nods at Rinko, who looks a bit startled at the sudden movement. “Thank you, Rinko. I’m grateful for your help. Now if you would excuse me, I have somewhere else I need to go.”
“Good luck, Yukina-san.” The black-haired girl smiles, “And tell Imai-san I say hi.”
Yukina has decided, that Roselia’s next song will be dedicated to Rinko, the amazing, smart, kind, and music-attuned friend she is.
---------------------------
Yukina has been to where Lisa works frequently enough that it has basically become muscle memory at this point. She is thankful for it, because the thoughts in her brain are a jumbled mess right now, she is not sure she can pay any attention to her surroundings. Not when Lisa is the only thing in her mind.
The cool, air-conditioned breeze greets her as soon as she steps foot inside the store. Lisa is not at the counter as she should be. But someone else is.
“Hey, Minato-san~” It is not hard to recognize Moca Aoba’s voice, even amidst a crowd of people. She is the only person Yukina knows to have that kind of natural drawl in her voice, as if each word out of her mouth is the result of thoughtful deliberation, a product of careful consideration, “Are you here to pick your girlfriend up?”
Yukina stops in her tracks and stares at her, eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights.
Girlfriend.
“She is in the back, changing out of the uniform,” Moca does not appear to notice her momentary shock, simply yawns and points to the back room, “You’re lucky she had the early shift today.”
Girlfriend. Is that also on the same plane as friends? If it is, then Yukina thinks she does not want it.
The back door opens. Bright, surprised green eyes meet her own golden ones, before a cheerful smile curls at the corners of Lisa’s lips.
The brunette does not even question the reason why Yukina is here, 3 pm on a Saturday, at the end of her shift. She simply bounces over and takes Yukina’s hand in one of her own, the other waves goodbye to Moca before leading a silent Yukina out of the shop.
Lisa hums some tune under her breath again. Yukina lets her hold her hand all the way back to their houses, golden eyes do not leave the side of the brunette’s face. Attentively. Quietly.
The word is burning in her throat, now. Restlessly. Eagerly. Like a delicate song note being held inside for too long, desperately seeking the liberation it deserves.
But not now. They are outside, in the open. The note is precious and pure. Yukina does not want anything to taint it.
This is a song reserved for Lisa, and only her. Yukina has been holding the note inside for this long, she can endure a few more minutes.
There are times she belongs to music, and there are times she belongs to Lisa. Sometimes they don’t overlap. But when they do, Yukina’s heart is full. Whole, with both halves of her soul intertwined so completely together.
Lisa is confused, when they finally reach their houses, in between them, the point where the two of them would normally part, but Yukina has yet to let go of her hand. She tightens her grip on it, rather.
“Yukina, what’s wrong?” There is concern in green eyes now. Yukina only looks at her helplessly, hoping the brunette can get her silent request. Because she can’t speak, not now, not when the word is right on the tip of her tongue and she does not want it to be thrown carelessly into the winds outside.
The bassist chuckles, always so, so in tune with her feelings, without any words being said out loud. “Alright, we can hang out at my house then. Come on, you big baby.”
She has been in Lisa’s house countless times before. She is very familiar with every nook and cranny of it. Yet her heart never hammers this fast before, whenever this happened. This is a consequence of Lisa and music fusing together in her now. It leaves Yukina burning brightly, yet grounded with the anticipation, the promise of relief, of reciprocity.
As soon as the door closes behind them, Yukina lets the word out. Loud and free, the way it deserves, “I love you, Lisa.”
The brunette pauses immediately, half frozen in a crouching position to take off her shoes. They are still in the foyer. Lisa straightens up to meet her eyes, an oddly intense look in those green orbs. “What did you just say?”
“I said, I love you.” Yukina repeats, triumphantly, proudly, “I have finally figured it out. My feelings, for you. I’m in love with you.”
It feels right, to say it out loud. The word rolls out of her tongue so easily, leaving behind only a tingling sensation. Yukina has never been drunk before, but she imagines this must be how it would feel like.
Delirious, lighthearted, accomplished. The same feelings when the lyrics finally fit after pondering over them for so long. The same feelings Yukina gets when the missing notes of a song finally fall into place.
Yukina is still smiling contently when Lisa suddenly lunges forward and envelops her into a tight hug. Yukina is a bit shorter than her, making it perfect for the vocalist to nuzzle into Lisa’s neck every time this happens.
She likes Lisa’s hugs a lot. They make her feel safe, and treasured. Like she is something precious and dear to Lisa.
What she doesn’t like, is how Lisa’s shoulders are shaking right now. Her whole body, too. It is minuscule, but Yukina is too familiar with her hugs to not notice such outlandish change.
“Lisa? Why are you shaking? Did I say something wrong?”
“No…” She can hear the brunette choke out a wet laugh at that. Yukina frowns and tries to lean back so she can look into Lisa’s eyes, the windows to her soul. But the bassist only tightens her hold, so Yukina has nowhere to escape.
“I just… I love you too, Yukina.” The vocalist is pretty sure Lisa is crying now. But she is uncertain what the reason for such a reaction is. So she does what she always did whenever Lisa cried. She wraps her arms around the brunette, too. Securely. Silently conveying her support.
***
“Why did you cry earlier, Lisa?” They are on the brunette’s bed now. Yukina curls up into her favorite position, head on Lisa’s shoulder with the bassist’s arm wrapped around her waist.
She can feel Lisa’s sigh before she hears it. “I never thought I would actually hear those words from you, Yukina. It surprised me. But a good surprise, I promise. Those were tears of joy, you know I tend to cry whenever I feel too happy.”
“But I thought you already know? My feelings for you,” Yukina frowns, “Why would you not expect to ever hear it from me?”
Lisa chuckles in response, “Yukina, love, in case you don’t notice, you are not always straightforward with your feelings. I had my suspicions, yes. Or perhaps wishful thinking, back then. But you don’t always say how you feel. You’re more the actions kind of person, not words. The only exception to that is music.”
“No, not just music.” She curls even closer to Lisa, if possible. “You, too. You’re like music to me. I love music, and I love you, too.”
“Is that so?” There is that familiar note of teasing in her voice again, “Is that how you figured it out? You love music, and music is me, so you love me too? Like a series of equations?”
“Uh huh,” Yukina tries to fight back a yawn. The coziness is making her sleepy now. Lisa always teases her for taking naps during the day, something about a cat-like trait. “Rinko helped me too. Kind of.”
“Rinko? Well, guess I can’t be too surprised. She has always been the most perceptive out of all of us.”
“I think… she is also in love,” The vocalist mumbles, “There is someone like music in her life, too. The way she spoke about it. That is how she understands me so well. Do you think I should help her with that?”
“I don’t know, Yukina.” Lisa gently runs her fingers through silver strands, Yukina has the distinct urge to purr again, “Do you want to?”
“Maybe. Yes.”
“Then you can ask her about it. I’m sure Rinko would appreciate your help. She might not need it, I think. Still, it would be nice to offer.”
“Okay. I will ask her tomorrow.”
The last thing Yukina remembers, before sleep takes over, is the softest kiss on her forehead, and the gentle glow of a spring sun shining through the window to bask them in a bubble of pure bliss.
It does not feel any different from a normal day. Yukina cannot count how many times she has fallen asleep in this exact position before, warm and cocooned in Lisa’s arms. It is alright, she thinks. Normal is good.
Love has always been a normal thing in their lives. A constant presence. A given. Something which does not need to be said or acknowledged, to exist and to grow. Yukina does not know exactly when it started, for either of them. It has been entangled in their lives for so long that the passage of time has become irrelevant, somehow.
Love has always been there with them, every step of the way. Yukina believes it will always be there in the future, too. Perhaps forever.