Archive of Our Own

“Do you think everything happens for a reason?”

His voice is quiet under the shrill whistle of the wind, but you know all too well of what he asks. Fingers take hold of the railing as eyes take in the night sky; the breeze feels cool on your skin and you wonder what it’s like to be able to freely walk about the streets below in this weather without a worry-- without the worry of being discovered. Without the worry of feeling that familiar sense of anxiety that sends jolts down your body when you see a suitcase.

You think about what he asks. It’s a constant question on your mind and a musing of whether the answer will ever be found.

“I don’t know.”

A nervous shift in footsteps. A gaze flickering downwards before landing on the other again. A contemplation on whether words should continue to pour from pursed lips.

“I don’t know,” you repeat, “but if you’re asking whether you deserved this or not--”

A lump in the throat and a bitter laugh that is barely suppressed. Your eyes leave his face and focus on the stars.

“You don’t, Kaneki.”

You feel him staring and you can’t bring yourself to stare back.

You know what happened. You know what he was like before the terrible occurrences.

The recollection of the one that was the very definition of innocence; the recollection of the one that you always saw laughing with his best friend at Anteiku.

You remember his ignorance to the horrors of the ghoul world. You remember how frightened he was.

And you realize how numb he seems to everything now-- ever since he was tortured. And you realize how much it hurts to see someone change so drastically.

You helped him every step of the way when his life turned upside down. You guided someone lost and afraid-- you can’t imagine that it’s the same person who is right next to you.

“You never deserved this-- to have to hide your identity from your best friend, to get your life ripped away from your very hands. I didn’t know you when I was just a waitress serving your daily coffee, but I saw enough to know that you were a good person-- someone who would never dare bring harm to another.” You match his gaze and your voice begins to waver. Your fingers clutch tighter onto the railing. “Everything you’ve gone through was hell and if there was some way to prevent it all, then I would have done anything in the world to protect you from getting hurt.”

He takes what you’ve said to heart but it doesn’t hit him hard enough. He wishes to find your comfort in your words-- in you, but he can’t. Because there will always be this hollow feeling within that lets him know that this is his fault.

It was his fault and he should have known better.

“Trust me.”

You break the silence with a pleading tone.

“Please, Kaneki. Trust me.”

He would give anything to believe you.

He says nothing. He only turns away and smiles at the stars.

That’s the last time you see him.

You wonder if you’ve gone desperate enough to imagine that it’s really him. You knew he was here and yet you find yourself stunned.

You miss him terribly and you understand he’s gone. And you understand that this person is different-- but you see him smile and the longing ache in your heart only continues to grow.

But what matters is that he’s alright.

This is his second chance. His rebirth.

His start anew.

The only thing you can do is protect him from afar-- protect him so he doesn’t endure the unbearable pain again.

You’ve stayed for too long; the desire to leave and the desire to stay tear at each other, but muscles refuse to cooperate and no movement is made.

And he notices you. The contentment on his face dissolves and intrigue appears instead; a feeling of nostalgia comes but he doesn’t know why-- he doesn’t know if you’re simply a stranger or someone of importance in his previous life. But you don’t let him stare for too long because you know he can’t remember and you know he shouldn’t-- not if you want to help him. Not if he wants to live a better life-- a life where he doesn’t have to constantly fight the demons crawling in every crevice of his mind.

So you smile. You leave.

And that’s the first and last time he sees you.