Work Text:
Ich bin nicht zimperlich bei meinem Heldenkampf
Gegen die Finsternis setz’ ich die Welt in Brand*
Chihiro didn't remember who was his first victim, though it seemed that taking a life for the first time was like crossing the Rubicon: something special in a bad way, a discarding of old morals and old boundaries. Chihiro's first victim, on the other hand, was gray and not too memorable. One of several lackeys of a more serious opponent that he and Shiba hadn't even reached that day. Chihiro couldn't even tell which particular lackey had been the first, much less his name or appearance. And he certainly didn't feel anything.
That probably said nothing good about his personality.
He had once even discussed with Shiba his reaction, or rather lack thereof, to his 'first time'. Shiba had suggested it was because Chihiro had crossed his Rubicon much earlier than his first kill. Shiba didn't specify exactly what he meant, but Chihiro realized it all for himself.
His father's death. Of course. It had left its mark and broken him enough to make the first life taken seem almost worthless.
As cynical as that sounded.
But what Chihiro did remember was the appearance of his victim's first loved one. He, or rather, she had appeared out of nowhere one day, and Chihiro wasn't sure who or what she was: someone's widow, mother, daughter, sister? He didn't figure out her age: she could be the same age as Shiba or much older, he couldn't tell for sure without paying attention to her face. All that registered in his memory were the eyes.
There was no hatred in those eyes, nor were they red and swollen with tears. There was only mute reproach and cold contempt. It was those eyes that told him that this woman was somehow related to one of the dead, and not just came here for help, for example.
"You don't treat those who get in your way very kindly, do you?" The woman said instead of greeting.
"Hello," Chihiro said, trying to remain calm. "Is there anything I can help you with?"
The woman ignored him, continuing her speech as if she were in the middle of a conversation:
"A noble goal — you must have one — justifies everything, doesn't it? You can do anything for the sake of it, even," She looked Chihiro straight in the eyes, and it was only by an effort of will that he didn't look away. "You could set the whole world on fire if it meant getting rid of all the evil?"
Chihiro couldn't find an answer.
He was saved from the awkwardness and the woman's anger by Shiba, as usual. He jumped out in front of Chihiro, unobtrusively covering him with himself. Smiling wide, he turned to the woman:
"Madam, what can we do for you?"
She looked piercingly at Shiba already — if he tensed up in any way, he didn't show it.
"You killed..." she said a name that didn't ring a bell with Chihiro. It was clear from the way Shiba frowned briefly that he, too, was having trouble remembering someone like that.
"And you came here to... To seek revenge on us?" He asked calmly.
"No. I just wanted to see," her sharp gaze returned to Chihiro, "what heroes had taken away my ████."
She didn't highlight the word "heroes" in any way, but it was easy to guess that she didn't put anything good in that word. Shiba later suggested that she had lost someone during the war as well, which in itself forever distorts the perception of the word "hero".
"I know ████ wasn't exactly law-abiding, but did that mean he deserved to die?" For the first time, a semblance of despair rang in the woman's voice, but it was immediately replaced by cold contempt. "However, if people like you think that yes, he did, who am I to argue?" And why couldn't she avert her gaze?
Unable to take it, Shiba took the woman aside and spoke something. From a distance, Chihiro couldn't understand his words, but from his body language, he knew that Shiba was explaining something, adding a slight charisma and an awkward sense of guilt to his words.
After listening to him, the woman averted her eyes as if considering something, then suddenly slapped Shiba and, without waiting for his reaction, she turned and headed away. As she passed Chihiro, she threw him one last sour look and quiet, venomous words:
"How do you even look at yourself in the mirror?" Chihiro flinched but gritted his teeth and said nothing.
When she was out of sight, Shiba turned back to Chihiro, rubbing his cheek.
"She got a strong hand," He said as if nothing had happened, and Chihiro couldn't tell if he sensed worry behind Shiba's usual carefree manner of speaking. "We should get her checked out... Just in case. I don't think she'll give us any more trouble. Though I wouldn't rely on her in case of trouble, she'll turn us in," He laughed quietly, not sounding very natural.
"What did you tell her?"
"Everything as it was... Sort of," Shiba said in a reluctant tone. "I mean, it's not like I should tell her I'm sorry," Shiba seemed to be trying to make a joke again. Chihiro pretended not to notice it.
"Do you even know who exactly she was talking about?"
"I have an idea. A rough one."
After that, they remained silent for a while. Shiba was reluctant to talk about it, and Chihiro had a hard time imagining what to say.
"Shiba?"
"Yes?"
"Did this happen to you before?"
"Like what?"
"Well, things like that."
"It did. A couple of times. It's a weird feeling, I know. But, uh," he smiles guilty. "You get used to it. Like everything. Yeah," Shiba held back a nervous laugh.
There was an awkward silence again.
"By the way, I told her I killed what's-his-name... ████. I have no idea if that was true, but... Just so you know."
"Thanks, but you shouldn't have. I expected to meet the loved ones of those I've killed along the way. It's inevitable. And I probably shouldn't care what they think of me."
Indeed, his sword does not cut through air or ephemeral ghosts. Sooner or later, he would be faced with a grieving widow, a mother, a sister, a brother, a son...
It would be naive to believe that no one loved his victims, that their deaths only freed someone from the oppression of evil and violence, and only those would reach out to Chihiro with gratitude.
Of course, Chihiro was aware of that. However, he still hoped that the first encounter with the victim's close one would happen sometime later.
"You okay?" Shiba asked as if reading his mind. Chihiro shrugged.
"It's weird. I don't feel remorse if that's what you are saying. But meeting this woman... Tells me what I should... And because of that, it's strange."
Shiba nodded, showing understanding.
"I should give a pep talk about morality here, but I can't think of anything, sorry," There was another episode of long and almost awkward silence, which was broken by Shiba's groaning.
"How did I not think of it immediately!" He hurried to explain himself at once. "You know, it's a good thing that woman came. If she knows about us, perhaps someone else does. The woman may be harmless, but who knows where she got the information from, and who else might know? I'm going to go talk to Azami," Shiba said as if he was justifying himself to Chihiro. He nodded in understanding.
Alone with himself, Chihiro suddenly realized that he could no longer remember the name the woman had mentioned.