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What I wanted was to fall asleep
Close my eyes and disappear
Like a petal on a stream, a feather on the air
Shadowheart walked through the now empty halls of the House of Grief, Her boot steps echoing on the dark purple stone floor. Viconia was gone now, the closest thing to family she could remember. Without her faith in Shar to hold on to she was adrift, lost in the maelstrom of her scattered memories. The deafening silence didn’t help matters, all of the Sharrans were dead now and her companions had returned to camp, respecting her wish to have a moment alone in her former home. She knew they meant well, but the near constant looks of concern and gently spoken platitudes were driving her crazy. What she needed was time. Time to try and make sense of this new and terrifying future. There had been a strange sense of comfort in her blank mind, in forgetting and letting go of her memories, but she wasn’t going to have that ever again. As time went on, her head filled with memories, both new and old. The small handful of old memories that she had regained during her short time in the House of Grief were already a weight upon her shoulders.
Lily white and poppy red
I trembled when she laid me out
"You won't feel a thing," she said, "when you go down"
Nothing gonna wake you now
She’s a child again, being shouted at by Mother Superior and then her own peers, running away through the cloister until she slipped into a quiet, dark space. She was always told that she was chosen, she was special, but that didn’t seem to do anything but earn her scorn and abuse. The hideout was her only safe space, where she could truly feel at peace. In the present, she stopped, her feet having brought her to a shoddily boarded up wall that was strikingly familiar. With some effort she was able to pry enough boards loose to slip into the darkness beyond. As the darkness washed over her, her brain was awash in memories. No matter how good she was, no matter how many times she had cooperated while Mother Superior erased her memories or done unspeakable things in the name of Shar, she had always been an outcast, shouted at and scorned. Her only respite was this place behind a crack in the wall.
Dreams are sweet, until they're not
Men are kind, until they aren't
Flowers bloom, until they rot, and fall apart
As her eyes adjusted to the darkness she felt her frayed nerves calming, the chaotic churning of thoughts in her head slowed. There was a sense of comfort in this darkness, as opposed to the stifling oppression of the darkness that blanketed the rest of the cloister. The floor was covered in grass and roots crept out from cracks in the stone walls. It appeared that nature had not only survived here but managed to thrive. Even more miraculous were the night orchids that dotted the grassy space, their purple glow illuminated the space like tiny stars. Shadowheart wrapped her arms around herself in a futile attempt at self comfort as she walked towards an open space in the center of the small room. Despite not having any memories of this place a sense of dread filled her as she approached. A few small items of comfort had been brought in previously and had since been covered in a layer of dust, pillows, some baskets, and a book. Even though her mind screamed at her to turn away, to not look at the book, she knelt down and picked it up. As she read the unfinished last entry pain bloomed in her hand but it was nothing compared to the pain in her heart, for this younger version of herself, that had tried so hard to hold on to anything soft and gentle in her life.
Is anybody listening?
I open my mouth and nothing comes out
Nothing, nothing gonna wake me now
Shadowheart set the book aside with a frown and laid down in the soft grass. She cradled her hand against her chest as the last twinges of pain faded away. Despite having found company in her ragtag group of companions she felt more alone than ever. She had lost Shar and any sort of family she had when she saved Dame Aylin. The wound on the back of her hand flared again and she shut her eyes, trying to block out the reality that was threatening to overwhelm her. If she could, she would stay here in this soft darkness forever and avoid the weighty responsibilities that the gods kept trying to push onto her shoulders.
Flowers, I remember fields of flowers
Soft beneath my heels
Walking in the sun, I remember someone
Someone by my side, turned her face to mine
And then I turned away, into the shade
As she ran her hands through the soft grass around her, her fingers bumped into the stem of a night orchid and she plucked it without a second thought, finally opening her eyes to examine it as she held it up in front of her face. She suddenly remembered planting some of the flowers here as a child, laughing at a joke made by someone beside her as she molded the dirt with her hands. When she tried to focus on the face of her apparent friend it remained stubbornly out of focus. Her brow furrowed with a frown as she regarded the night orchid with frustration, the merest hint of purple revealing itself as she reached into her obscured memories. Nothing more came back to her from that time but a new, vague memory slots itself into place. She had been walking around the city with the same person, whether on a mission for the cloister or a rare moment of freedom she could not recall. It must have been a few years later, they were both older now, but the blur of purple remained the same. This person had the same laugh as before, light and clear like a bell. They held hands as they meandered down an alley, alone for once with no witnesses to report their activities to the Mother Superior. The same hand pulled her close and caressed her hip gently. Shadowheart could remember returning the touch with enthusiasm, wishing they had the space to take things further than these furtive touches. As the last of the memory faded into blackness, a wave of overwhelming loneliness crashed down upon her and she clutched the night orchid to her chest.
You, the one I left behind
If you ever walk this way
Come and find me lying in the bed I made
A gentle touch on Shadowheart’s shoulder jolted her out of her memories.
“Shadowheart?” Her green eyes flew open and met glowing purple. Just as quickly as she had been jolted out of the past she was plunged back in, a rapid progression of scenes flashing before her eyes, the vague purple companion brought into clarity as the person who knelt above her now. Warmth bloomed in her chest as she took in the horns and hair that framed the tiefling’s face and perfectly matched those of her mystery friend— lover?— perfectly.
“Gods, I thought you were dead, laying there like that.” The tiefling was saying, though the words barely reached Shadowheart, lost in thought as she was. Her brain finally caught up, struggling through the murky shadows of her past, and she blinked rapidly. A smile spread across her face as, almost entirely through muscle memory, she reached up and tucked the night orchid she was holding behind the tiefling’s ear. Her friend’s face lit up with a relieved smile.
“Hello, Nocturne.” Shadowheart murmured before pulling her down into a kiss. Their lips met and the warmth from Nocturne’s body against hers melted away the tension in her body. For the first time that she could remember, Shadowheart felt herself truly relax.