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It was four in the morning when Eddie knocked on Hen’s door. Well past acceptable company time but, Hen was the only person he could talk about this to. The only one who would understand and not tease him relentlessly. And he needed to talk about it, desperately. After a few minutes, the door pulled open, revealing a half-sleep, confused Hen.
“Eddie?” She spoke. “What are you doing here?”
“Chis is in bed. It’s late, I can’t sleep and I'm just thinking and thinking and—” He paused, shifting on his feet. “So, anyway, yeah, I’m in love with my best friend.”
Hen blinked in confusion as she tried to process his words and hey , you can’t blame her. It is four in the morning and she had originally thought this was some type of emergency and now, well, maybe it's still an emergency but—
“What?” She said giving up, the word spewing from her mouth, almost harshly.
“Buck,” Eddie clarified, wincing slightly at her tone. “I’m in love with him.”
“Romantically?” She asked and Eddie nodded. “I, uh, I didn’t even know you were into men.”
“Neither did I,” Eddie rocked forward, slightly, gesturing with his hands. “But, I do know what it’s like to be in love. And then there’s the jealousy. That was a little harder to pinpoint but…” He trailed off, shrugging.
“And you feel these feelings… for Buck?” Hen asked, seeking clarification.
“If I have to watch Buck and Tommy kiss one more time, I might actually hit him.” Eddie said, nodding in agreement.
“Buck?” Hen asked, alarmed.
“No! Not Buck, Tommy, I–” Eddie furrowed his eyebrows in indignation. “I don’t want to hurt Buck, Hen!”
“But you want to hurt Tommy?”
“No!” Eddie sighed in frustration. “No, Hen, I like Tommy. I just want don't want him to be dating Buck.”
“I—Eddie, I'm confused. Can we start over?”
They do in fact start over. Or at least they try to. They’re sitting in Hen’s kitchen, two steaming cups of coffee placed between them, and Hen is staring at Eddie expectantly, waiting. But somehow the words that seemed to flow out of him earlier are more comfortable hiding away now that he has her full undivided attention.
“Eddie?” Hen prompted.
“I know, it’s just, this is hard for me.” Eddie groaned. He hated talking about his feelings, something he was starting to remember as time went by. But he had woken Hen up for this conversation, so he would feel bad if he didn't see it through, no matter how awkward it made him feel.
“Take your time, seriously. I—” Hen hesitated. “Eddie, are you sure?”
“Yes.”
And he is sure. He’s had all night, the last month since Maddie and Chim’s wedding really, to think about this. He’s never been more sure of anything in his life.
“Okay, wow.” Hen sat back, disbelief coloring her face. “And its Buck? Buckaroo? Our Buck?”
“Yeah Hen, “ Eddie said amused. “Our Buck.”
“How?” She asked. “When did you start…?
“I don’t know.” He answered honestly. “A while ago, definitely. I guess I just didn’t realize it until he and Tommy started dating.” Hen nodded slowly at his answer and motioned for him to continue. “It made me reevaluate everything. I just, I looked at my future and I could see him, ya know? I couldn’t see Ana or Marisol or hell even Shannon at one point. But I could see him—us, side by side, forever.”
Hen's face softened at his words, into something tender, a mix between wonder and joy. Eddie could feel his heart jolt at her expression, his body heating up, his face and neck turning a bright red.
“Eddie…”
“He’s also really hot.” Eddie blurted out, hoping to move past his love confession as quickly as possible. “That’s always a plus.”
Hen’s laugh that followed was maybe too loud for how early in the morning it was but it still brings a smile to Eddie’s face.
“So, I guess my next question is, what are you planning on doing about it?” Hen asked, giggles tapering off. “Are you gonna tell him?”
Eddie hesitates before answering. Of course, he's thought about this too.
“No.”
“No?” Hen questions, eyebrow raised.
“I don’t know. Hen, I just broke up with Marisol yesterday .” Eddie explained, biting his lip. “And Buck, he has Tommy and he’s happy. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this happy in a relationship. If I tell him, it might ruin it and that just seems… unfair.”
“Maybe,” Hen started. “But isn’t it just as unfair for you to make that decision for him? Eddie, you don’t know how Buck feels about you, you're not even giving him an option.”
“Hen…”
“You’re scared.” She nodded to herself. “I understand, it's a big decision. A big change no matter which way it goes. But imagine it goes right, the way you want it to go? Wouldn’t that be amazing?”
And she’s right. It’s Hen, she’s always right.
“And if it goes wrong?” Eddie asked, stubbornly, sitting back crossing his arms defensively over his chest. “If he doesn't feel the same way and I lose him? Chris loses him?”
“Eddie, it's Buck.” Hen said firmly. “You won’t ever lose him.”
Eddie swallowed harshly, before relaxing his posture. He dropped his arms down back on the table and took a deep breath. And again, she’s right. He knows that Buck is the last person who’d ever abandon him and Chris. But it’s happened before and the thought that it could happen again doesn't make his fears abated.
“Eddie,” Hen said softly as she leaned forward across the table, taking his hand in her own. “You’re letting the what-ifs rule you. You guys always have each other's back. You have to trust that he’ll have your back in this too.”
“Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of.” Eddie admitted. “You could be right. Everything could be fine and he could love me back but do I even deserve that? I mean, Hen I’ve always been bad at relationships. A bad boyfriend, husband. It would be naive to think it works out just because it’s Buck and he doesn't deserve that. And that’s not even touching the huge sexuality crisis I’m going through right now.”
Hen hummed in contemplation. She sat back in her chair, staring at him. “Okay, maybe we're getting a little ahead of ourselves.”
“Are we?”
“Yeah.” She sighed. “You're dealing with a lot and I forgot that for a moment, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, my therapist can’t even keep up with all of it.”
“Eddie,” Hen snorted.
“I’m kidding,” He rolled his eyes, a small smile on his face. “Maybe.”
“I’m just saying, maybe you don’t tell him. Not yet at least. You're dealing with some pretty big discoveries. Take some time for yourself, to process everything. And then when you’re more comfortable, when you feel more secure, you can tell him.”
“You really think I should wait?”
“It would do more harm than good if you guys jumped into things while you were still unsure. Not about Buck, but about yourself and the relationship.” She said firmly. “As much as I’m eager to see you guys happy, I know how it was for me and Karen. There was so much uncertainty and insecurity from the both of us in the beginning that it almost ruined everything. I don’t want that for you guys.”
Eddie nodded at her words. They were reminiscent of the ones Frank said to him days before , only coming from Hen they seemed easier to accept. So he would wait, keep going to therapy and figuring himself out and then maybe one day he’d get a shot at that happily ever after effect that seemed to float through the 118. Only…
“And if I wait and it's too late then?”
Hen considered his words for a few seconds and then shrugged.
“It's you and Buck, Eddie. It’ll never be too late.”