Work Text:
Reigen stared at the shelves of food in front of him. It really wasn’t meant to be this long of a trip. He just needed to grab a few things to eat for the week and then leave, simple as that.
However, the simplicity of the task waned as the nauseating fluorescent lights and bright colored packaging swirled in his vision. The weight of the basket in his hands felt heavier and heavier the longer he stood there. As he debated whether or not it was actually necessary for him to eat that week, he felt his legs start to sway. Insecurities and stress bubbled from his gut up to his throat.
Did he even deserve to eat? It would be easy to leave the store without buying anything and save himself both trouble and money. Which was saying something since Reigen enjoyed food. It was no secret that his go to method to getting closer to people was inviting them out to eat.
In a way it made sense that when he was feeling particularly down about himself, that he would deny himself the one thing he wanted most.
“Excuse me.”
An older woman pushed past him, grabbing two packs of the soba from beneath a bright “buy one get one free” sign.
Oh to hell with it.
He sighed and tossed two packets in the basket.
As the week went on, his funk grew and he found it more difficult to eat. He managed to force down some noodles one night but the shame made the broth pool in his stomach and fester into a sick knot. He almost felt worse than if he hadn’t eaten at all.
The more pressing issue that arose though, was his business. His work performance took the brunt of the struggle. Whether it be his malnutrition or worsening depression, mistakes increased tenfold.
On any regular week he would just push through them. Maybe a few home “exorcisms” where he could throw around some salt and call it a day, the occasional massage. But of course this week he had to deal with actual paranormal activity.
After about three real exorcisms, one of which happening unexpectedly and forcing him to call in Serizawa, he was exhausted. The start of the fourth one was not much better.
He was pale, his hands shook, and he could feel the beginnings of a headache ebb from beneath his temple.
It’s ok, he thought. Just one more exorcism with Serizawa.
Serizawa who, admittedly, was a lot more perceptive than Reigen had previously accounted for.
“Are you doing ok sir?” The man trailed behind Reigen as they made their way down the hallway of yet another abandoned building to deal with a spirit tormenting the neighbors.
Reigen waved him away and clenched his fist to try and quell some of the tremors. “I’m fine, just tired and want to get this over with.”
“Ok, but if you want me to handle this alone I can-“
“Serizawa,” he turned and smiled. “It’s ok, let’s just get in and get out. Can’t leave my employee to deal with every rouge spirit now can I?”
Before Serizawa could argue they reached a double doorway that made him pause.
“The spirit is in here, stay close and I’ll try to feel out where it is before we head in.”
The plan didn’t end up sticking though. Not long after Serizawa stepped forward, the doors opened up with a slam and a burst of foul-smelling wind shoved the two inside.
Reigen felt woozy.
Neither of them had payed attention to what kind of building it was the spirit possessed. Clearly they should have though, as the spectral figure in front of them took the form of a mass of translucent rotting soba.
Right, this was a food company before it was abandoned, wasn’t it? Reigen could've almost laughed.
The spirit made several swipes at the two, one of which knocking Serizawa back a couple feet. With the larger of the two further away, the spirit turned its attention to Reigen and launched a noodle-y tendril at him.
From where he stood he swayed and let himself consider letting the spirit take him. He stalled for just a second, processing the scene before him.
However, that second was enough leeway for the spirit to take hold of his ankle and yank him like a ragdoll across the room.
“Christ- ‘zawa I need you!” he yelped as he was flung. He sailed across the room, rapidly approaching a hard stone wall before being caught by an invisible force and dropped. He was relieved when he felt the flow of the psychic’s powers keep his skull from smashing into concrete.
The relief was temporary though, the spirt quickly turned tails and whipped its slimy tendrils around the whole room, nearly slapping Reigen across his face. Thankfully Serizawa was on it, and before Reigen knew it a bright light encompassed the large mass and the room was still again.
The two men sat there panting, Reigen feeling a little bit more than feint.
He managed a small thanks as they collected themselves, filing out of the building.
Serizawa’s brows were uncharacteristically furrowed as the two of them walked back to the office silently.
Seemingly, when they got inside the psychic must’ve decided this was the time to question him.
“Reigen…”
The blonde gulped, still unused to Serizawa using his name instead of some formality.
“Are you not eating?”
He laughed it off.
“Course I am!” he said chuckling.
“In fact, I ate two meals already today!” he grabbed a glass of water from the side table and downed it, trying to make himself look more healthy than he felt.
It didn’t work. His stomach growled, as if to punish him for lying to a man so sincere.
“Reigen…”
“I’m fine!”
“It’s just that- you haven’t been taking your lunch like normal, and back there you looked… pale,” he seemed to be weighing his words, nervous to upset the man.
“If you’re going through something, or if it’s the money, I don’t mind helping you,” he started again and Reigen looked anywhere but at his eyes.
“I said I’m fine, it’s ok”
“But-“
Reigen had this under control. He was fine! Serizawa didn’t need to know more. But his stomach betrayed him once more. As Serizawa moved closer, mouth opening to speak, the grip Reigen had on the glass slipped. As the glass fell, any semblance of control Reigen had over the conversation broke.
“Damn it Serizawa just let me starve!” he lashed out, before coiling inwards at Serizawa’s startled expression. The glass lay shattered on the floor. He took a step back. “Sorry I didn’t mean to- that was a bit…” He brought his hands to his hair and sighed, fingers running through the strands as he tried to compose himself. Serizawa closed his mouth and used his powers to move the broken glass into the bin.
Save for the hum of the AC, the room was quiet.
“It’s not that I’m,” he struggled to say the word. “I’m not suicidal, I couldn’t do that to you or Mob.” Serizawa attempted a nod and let him continue.
“It’s not about the weight either,” he said as he shifted from foot to foot. “This is just how I make myself feel better about being such a shitty person. Like I’m able to atone for everything I’ve done wrong by denying myself things I don’t deserve,” the blonde looked downward at his hands, picking at the skin around his nails. “Like food.”
There was a beat of silence before Serizawa rested his hand on top of Reigen’s.
“Arataka, you’re not a monster.” Reigen blinked and raised his eyes to meet the esper’s.
“Shigeo cares about you, I care about you, hell Tome might not say it but even she cares about you, and none of us would want you doing this to yourself no matter how much you think you deserve it,” Serizawa’s shoulders shook, but his gaze remained unwavering.
“You’re a human being. You make mistakes. That doesn’t mean you have to suffer because of it”
“But what if I do?”
“I’m an ex-psychic terrorist, do you think I should be starving myself, wallowing, and waiting for the day I’ve finally made up for what I’ve done?” Serizawa questioned.
“It’s different you’re-“
“I’m what?”
“Better. You’re a better person than I am.”
The man let out a strangled laugh. “I sat and watched what the president was doing and did nothing to stop him. I think I’ll always regret that.”
Reigen tried to come up with anything to fight what he was saying but came up blank. Sighing, he tightened his hands underneath Serizawa’s. “How do you live with it?”
“I be better today. That’s what you taught me,” the taller man squeezed Reigen’s hands and offered a wry smile.
“If you’re gonna live, then live. Forgive me if I sound rude but you shouldn’t half ass the life you’re given, Mr. ‘be the protagonist of your own life’.”
Reigen let out a laugh, “You sound like a priest.”
“You sound like a catholic.”
“Touché.”
The two sat in silence for a moment, no longer as tense as when the conversation had started. Reigen met the taller man’s eyes.
“Is it ok if I-? I mean, can you-" he struggled. "Actually never mind, I don't want to make you uncomfortable enough to file a report to HR...” he rambled, fingers twitching about as if to mime the hand gestures he’d normally be making. “Which now that I’m thinking about it, would probably be you or Tome-” he was cut off as Serizawa let go of his hands and pulled him into a hug.
Reigen tensed before humming and burying his face in the psychic’s chest.
“Sorry, I don’t know if this is what you were building up to but you looked like you needed one.”
“Don’t tell Mob about this.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it, I’m sure you would get a much longer lecture out of him than me though.”
“I just don’t want to worry the kid. Sometimes I feel like he sees me as this great guy when all I am is… this.”
Serizawa moved his hands to Reigen's shoulders and gently pushed him off. “Reigen, this-“ he pokes the man’s chest, “is enough. For Shigeo and for the rest of us. You’re loved for who you are, faults and all.”
The blonde dropped his forehead to rest against Serizawa’s chest and hide his face.
“Thank you.”
“Do you want to go get some food together?” Serizawa gave Reigen’s back a little pat and Reigen pulled away from him to cough into his hand.
“Yeah, I’d like that.”
“No soba for a while though.”
Serizawa laughed, "Got it, no soba."