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You don't know how long it has already been since Chaos swallowed the world. People stopped being born, but didn't stop dying. Noone knew how much time has passed, because no one aged anymore. The world felt cold, lost even. Your only light in all of this darkness was Hope.
It was funny, really, how fitting his Name became. He already did so much for everyone before the Chaos came. A person to look up to, that's what he was. And what he decided to be when everything came tumbling down.
Hope, Noel and Snow tried to get order into this new life and people followed. With them leading the way, it seemed as if we could make it work. But the three men, while looking tough and controlled, were just as anxious as everyone else.
Snow still cried everyday because of Sarah's death. Noel was a slave of his guilty feelings as soon as he was alone. And Hope, he focused so much on helping everyone that he became a shell of himself.
You tried to help them as much as possible. You yourself, like Noel, had been sent from the future to prevent the pillar that held up Cocoon from collapsing. You had seen the moment it happened yourself, so motivation wasn't what was missing. Missing was a way you could possibly help.
Just like Noel ended up in front of Sarah, you were sent to the young academic. Your knowledge about the future and a few years before the pillar collapsed proved to help Hope a lot. You became inseparable. You lost count how many things you survived with him. From a wall falling, to a assassination attack to the world falling into Chaos. Nothing stopped the two of you from trying to better the situation. But even the brightest stars will soon start to die.
You too became a person the people that survived turned to and looked up to.
Your mother teaches you how to make medicine from things you can find easily. After the Chaos, it turned out that it wasn't as easy anymore to make the medicine, but you tried your best to help the ones who needed you as much as you could. It still didn't stop the people from dying and didn't help couples to get pregnant. It was exhausting to watch. You were surrounded by grief every day for at least a few years now. You stopped counting after 10 of them. And sometimes you too wanted to cry, but you couldn't. Your tears dried many years ago as well.
People started to call you the ‘gentle sunshine’ as you greeted everyone with a soft smile and warm aura. It made them feel safe and taken care of. Most of the time it was as if it was all you could give them, which is why you decided to never stop. Give them a good feeling, even if it's all you can give.
You became a safe place for everyone. Snow and Noel also came regularly to you. As someone who knew Serah too, even if not as good as them, it was comforting for them to tell you about the good times they had. Noel and you even talked about the futures you came from. And while you were talking you tried to calm them down, give them comfort, make them feel just a little bit better.
Hope loved that about you. The two of you shared a small flat. He would sometimes come home to you talking with one of the men. Noel even fell asleep on your shoulder after a mental breakdown he had. But what he loved the most was the soft smile you had on your lips whenever he would enter. It became his favourite part of the day.
Over the years you worked with him, even before the Chaos came, you and him started to get closer. Closer than colleagues, closer than friends. You never named what was happening, never even talked about it, even though you both noticed the change of your feelings towards one another. You never had the time for personal matters when you were trying to save the future. There was however an unspoken promise between you. You would talk about it after you saved everyone. But this day never came and so it became an open secret what you felt towards each other.
Hugs and gentle kisses on the cheek our head was all you gave to show your true feelings. It was working and didn't bother the two of you most of the time. You were too busy thinking about how to better the current situation. There was no time thinking about personal matters. But sometimes, in those little moments that gave you space to think about yourself, it was close to destroying you and him. Both of you imagined a future with the other, but this future seemed to be taken away from you.
“Hey, I’m back.” Hope opened the door to the shared flat. You were sitting there on the small sofa with a notebook in front of you and a pen in your hands. It was nothing new to see you work even when you came home. As soon as you hear him enter however, you would turn around and greet him with the smile he looked forward to. This time however, you didn't look at him. A small “welcome back” was all he got.
“Are you okay? Did something happen today?” You let out a sigh.
“It didn't work. Again.” You worked together with a few couples to try and make pregnancies work again, but after two months of testing not one of the couples were able to get pregnant. It frustrated you so much. Hope put his things away and sat down next to you. His hand reached out to your hair and he tucked it behind your ear.
“We have to stay optimistic. Maybe it just needs longer.”
“I don't think so. We already waited for months, waiting longer probably won't do much.” You couldn't even look at him, it was too painful. It wasn't just the disappointed faces of the couples that made you sad and frustrated. It was also everything that meant for everyone else.
“I just don't know what else we can try. It doesn't make any sense that suddenly no one can get pregnant again. The stress and fear from the Chaos and the new diets we had to get used to can be a huge factor, but we should all already gotten used to it. And if it really goes back to us not aging anymore…” your throat suddenly felt tight. If that's the case, then you were all doomed.
“Well.” Hope turned away from you and looked at his feet. His team of researchers looked into this matter and what they found out so far sadly seemed to show that it was true. Time stands still. Maybe it doesn't even exist anymore. But he didn't want you to know that. Not yet, at least. Hope was afraid that, if he would tell you, you would stop your work. Your work and your strife to help others is what keeps you alive. Losing that would probably mean you losing yourself and him losing you. He couldn't tell you this. Not yet. He would have to eventually if it turns out to be true, but as long as he doesn't know it for certain, you also won't.
“What is it?” Your voice was thin. You felt so empty and lost.
“I think we should eat something and then go to bed. We both had a rough day.” His hand now placed itself on your cheek. Hope looked at you with a small smile, but that soon vanished after you turned your head away from him.
“I already ate something. There is still food on the stove. Eat it. I will go to bed now.” You didn't even look at him and that made him feel guilty. He wanted to help you, he just didn't know how. And deep down he was worried that you knew he was holding back information.
“Good night, Y/N. Sleep well”
“Good night.” That was all you said before you went into your small bedroom. Usually you would answer with a kiss on his cheek, but that seemed to cost you too much energy after such a rough day.
Both of you are hurting. Both of you are afraid of the future and what might happen to the other. Both of you were too afraid to say it.
Even more time has passed, time you again gave up to count. It didn't matter anyway, so why try.
Still, this day would turn out to be the one day everyone's world shattered for a second time.
Hope and his researchers found proof that time didn't exist anymore in the way that it used to. Days, weeks and years pass, but your bodies stay the same. You were not immortal, you just couldn't age. And with that, it was impossible for new life to be born. The circle of life turned into a one way route.
A mistake Hope however made was that he didn't inform you before the others. You learned about this like everyone else.
You didn't know how to feel. It felt as if Hope betrayed you, broke your trust, the connection you had. You promised each other to always say what the other knew, to never keep any secrets from one another. You were in this together. At least that's what you thought. You decided to stay behind in your little office, not ready to face the person you trusted the most in this world.
It was well into the night when you came back home to the flat. Before you could even open the door yourself a frantic Hope stood in front of you.
“Where have you been!?” You couldn't tell if it was an accusation or a question.
“I was worried that something happened to you! Did something happen at the office? Are you alright?” He looked you up and down and didn't see anything suspicious. You looked tired and annoyed. Your eyes were cold, something that made him even more worried. Hope tried to put his hand on your shoulder, but you slapped it away.
“Let me in and leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you.” You pushed past him and went inside.
“What is going on? Are you okay? Please talk to me.” He followed you into the kitchen where you grabbed a glass of water to drink, trying to evade his questions.
“Come on, you can talk to me. What is bothering you, maybe I can-” you had enough.
“You are bothering me. I told you to leave me alone, didn't I?”
“But we always tell each other every-” you began to laugh.
“Oh, we tell each other everything now? Then why didn't you tell me about your research? How long have you already known that time is standing still?” You started to raise your voice. Frustration and the feeling of betrayal were taking over.
“A few days ago we got the final confirmation.”
“And how long was it clear for you that it would turn out like this?” Hope didn't answer your question. He looked away with pain written all over his face.
“I didn't want you to stop with your experiments.”
“That's all I need to know.” Your bedroom was the only room you wanted to be in right now. You needed space.
“Wait, please. I did it for you.” Hope started to follow you towards your room. He wouldn't enter it if you didn't want to, you knew that. He would however wait in front of it until you talked to him. So you stopped.
“For me? You made me search for something that you knew I could never achieve. You gave me false hope. I’m disappointed in you. You didn't help me, you didn't do it for me. Hope, you know I only need the truth. How much more did you hide from me?” The two of you were finally looking into each other's eyes again. The distance between you was basically non-existent, at least physically. Under normal circumstances you would get shy with the man you love standing so close, but not now.
“I didn't hold anything else back.”
“Prove it.” Now Hope feels frustrated as well. He did it for you. He felt guilty and you couldn't see it. The expectations from everyone around him, the realization that there probably isn't a way to save everyone and now you, his safe place, not trusting him makes him mad. The small amount of sleep he has had for years now also didn't help.
“How?! What do you want me to do? I’m trying, okay? I thought I did the right thing, I now know that I was wrong. But I cannot always be right. I can make mistakes, can't I?” He was letting everything out that has built up over the years.
“You are the one I want to protect and save the most. I thought I could do that this way.” Your heart started to ache. You knew he built up a lot of troubles inside of him. You always wanted him to talk to you about it, but he would just smile and change the topic. For the first time in many years it felt like you were starting to cry, but no tears came out. Hope was breaking down in front of you and you felt helpless onces again. Not knowing what to do and with a confession that was about to come out of both of you, you decided to run away.
“Hope. Please go to bed.” you reached up to his cheek. His breathing started to calm down as he closed his eyes. His hand reached out to yours, afraid that you would take it away from his face.
The two of you stood there for some time until Hope turned his face and kissed the palm of your hand. It felt so intimate and intimidating at the same time. Your feelings that you kept away due to the circumstances were about to overflow. You wanted nothing more than to hug him, kiss him and never let go.
“Go to bed. Sleep well.” Your hand slipped away from his face and before he opened his eyes, your door was closed.
“Sleep well, Y/N”
The next day you thought about not going to work. What happened last night was still so vivid in your head. Too many people however relied on your medicine. It would be wrong for you to not show up because of questionable feelings.
One of your patients was an elderly woman. She would bring you something to eat every time she would come to you. Her family for the most part was already gone. Only her grandson was still with her. She told you once that you reminded her of her daughter when she was younger. When the day was slow you would talk to her and you would give each other company. It wasn't surprising that she instantly saw that something was bothering you.
“Child, what is going on? Are you not feeling well?” Her voice was soft like a cloud. Her words however took you back to earth.
“Nothing. I’m just a bit tired.” You tried to smile at her, but smiling was hard. It never seemed so hard before. So you tried to hide it by bringing your cup of tea to your mouth.
“You are always tired. This time there is something else going on. It's Mr. Estheim, am I right.” Her eyes looked worried at you. She was one of the people who actually had the guts to ask you about him and the relationship you have.
It’s not like you and Hope are never seen together in public, it is however usually together with Snow and Noel. Seeing you with him in a more private situation was something only few people ever did. Both of you were so focused on your work that you usually only saw each other for work or at home. Many years ago you forgot your lunch at home after leaving because of an early appointment. The old woman saw him bringing you said food. The look and gestures you exchanged with him told her everything.
“We had an argument. "Nothing more.”
“May I ask what the argument was about?” You let out a sigh and told her what happened yesterday. The woman looked at you with a sad smile. After you finished your story she put her hand on yours.
“My sweet child. Do you still not want to believe me when I say that he holds you as dear as you hold him?” Everytime she told you this you would deny it ‘He just sees me as a friend’, ‘we just have seen the same, that makes us understand the other just better’, ‘he doesn't have time for that, same as me’. But after what happened yesterday, you couldn't deny it anymore. You both saw it, felt it, but didn't have the guts to say it out loud.
“No. I think you are right. I just don't know what to do.”
“Love is Pain. Always has, always will. But the happy moments, knowing the other person will always be there for you makes it not hurt anymore.” Her smile held so much warmth and sadness at the same time. Her husband left shortly after Chaos took over your world. After so many years together, he had to leave her. Maybe she already lived longer without him than she did with him, but that's something that no one wanted to think about. She still talked about him with so much love and care as if he never left.
Her words and actions made you think. What if you and Hope could have this too? You already did. Everyone would think you are a couple if they saw you together. And the pain of holding back the desire to tell him, hold him, openly love him would be gone. Your thoughts would stay there for the rest of the day. At night, in your bed, you decided that it would be time to tell him.
Telling him took another few days, or was it weeks? Your daily routine at home was back to normal, you would greet him, he would kiss your head, you would eat together and you say goodnight with a small kiss on his cheek.
You came home like you usually would just to see Hope already home. He looked tired, even more so than he usually would. He and his team tried to look for a way to get rid of the Chaos, but the search was hard.
“You are already back?” You asked as you entered the flat.
“I couldn't stay there anymore. The others send me home to sleep, but I can't.” His face was buried in his hands.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Your hand found its way into his hair. You always found it beautiful. It reminded you of freshly fallen snow.
"No, it's okay. How was your day?” there it was again. But this time, you wouldn't let him leave.
“No Hope. We need to talk about this. Whatever it is, it is keeping you up at night. You look like a mess.” You tried to hold eye contact with him, but he always looked away after a second.
“I don't want to talk about it. You already have enough to worry about.”
“You really think I would stop worrying just because you don't want to walk about it?” You stood up from the sofa. Hope's eyes followed your every move as you went to the kitchen and got both of you a cup of tea. You sat down next to him again and he thanked you for the tea.
“I think we really need to talk.” The sentence was hanging above you as you looked at the tea in your hands.
“About what?” His voice was soft and quiet.
“About what is going on. Between you and me.” The room stayed silent for a while. No one wanted to be the first person to say what's on their mind.
“You know why I tried so hard to help the couples get pregnant? Sure it was because it would save humanity. But it meant so much more to me. It meant the possibility for a future. For humanity, the couples, for you and for me.” You suddenly became even more nervous. Nervous that he would interpret your words differently. “I mean, I never thought about having children. Life hasn't given me the opportunity yet. But even if I don't want to, I want to have the option to decide, you know? Everytime my tests didn't work, I felt sad for my patients, but also for myself. I was sad that I would never be able to completely decide my own future. But it wouldn’t only be my future. It would also be Snow’s, Noel’s and your future. You did so much for all of us. I felt as if I didn't deserve to stand next to you.”
“I’m afraid to lose you.” Hope broke his silence “I already lost my family, most of my friends. I saw too many die already. But I’m afraid that, whatever I want to say, will take you from me too. Which is why I didn't tell you about the time. I know I should have told you, but I was afraid that you would lose the hope that kept you here.”
A giggle left your mouth that made Hope look at you.
“It’s funny, because, you know, your parents named you perfectly.” Hope was confused which made you laugh and poke his head.
“There is so much intelligence in those brain cells, and yet you don't understand. I don't lose hope because of this. You are my hope. You have been the whole time.” Hope started to laugh as well.
“That line could have been straight out of a romance novel.”
“Maybe it is.” Your laughter started to die down. Seeing Hope like this made your heart skip a beat. It has been quite some time since he looked so free of worries. You put your hand on his, an action that made him look at you again.
“What is it?” he asked.
“That wasn't all I wanted to say.” Your voice was quiet once again. ‘Love is Pain’, the words the old woman said to you, were flying around in your head. Still, you wanted to risk it. If you can't have a future, you at least want the present.
“Are you ready to hurt?”
“What?” Hope was confused once again. “What do you mean by that?”
“Are you?”
“Well, if you are here, I’m ready to get hurt.”
That was all you needed to hear. Both of your hands reached out to his face. He didn't look nervous, so you closed the distance between your faces. The kiss was short and soft. As you tried to pull away his hands stopped you. With one of them on the back of your head he pushed you back into another kiss. This one was longer and more desperate than the first one. The longing and hurt the two of you had to endure was showing itself in this kiss. After what felt like an eternity your kiss ended.
“What do you mean by hurt? Because this was the remedy to all the pain that built up over the years.” Hope said, his face still close to yours. You felt his breath, but his eyes were what made your heart beat faster. The love they held made you want to dive into them head first.
“The old woman that always brings me something to eat told me that Love is Pain, but that it would be worth it to get hurt. I wanted to know if you were ready for this hurt.” Hope started to stroke your cheek.
“Well if that's the case, then I’m ready to get hurt.” And with that he once again pulled you into a long and soft kiss.
While you both knew that a future wasn't possible for you, you wanted to live in the moment. But that ‘now’ ended sooner than you expected. Hope Estheim vanished and no one knew where he was. You started to search as best as you could. Noel and Snow distanced themselves from you, only the patients you had stayed with you.
You don't know how long your time without Hope has been, you never started to count.
One day you started hearing rumours about a woman with pink walking around town. At first you thought that the religious people were behind it, that was until she came to you on the last day.
“Are you Y/N?” the woman with pink hair came to you one day. You had never seen her before, but she did resemble Serah a bit.
“You are Lightning, right?" Your voice was cold. The sunshine you had left in you was reserved for you patients only. But even that didn't matter as it seemed like the world was finally meeting its end.
“I was sent to get you.”
“By who? I don't know who would want to see me now. The world is ending, isn't it.”
“But there is someone waiting for you in the new world. He misses you very much.”
“A new world.” You started to laugh. “I don't know if I’m ready to live any longer. I have no reason to. I wasn't able to save the people in the world, so please, leave me alone.” You were about to go away when the woman stopped you once again.
“I think I can see now why you captured his heart. You helped him, didn't you? You helped Hope.”
Hearing his name after such a long time made you stop. No one seemed to care that he was gone or they simply didn't remember him. You turned around and saw Lightning reaching out her hand.
“I’ll bring you to him.”
What happened next was too much for you. The fight the Chaos. It happened so fast. But it was worth it.
“Good morning, dear. Did you sleep well?”
The sun was shining behind him, giving his white hair a glow that made him look like an angel.
“I did, until you left me alone in the bed.” You walked up to him and hugged him, still trying to grasp that everything was real. He was here.
“Sorry, work called.” He kissed your head. “I already made breakfast.” His smile was contagious.
“Okay, I can forgive you. Just this once.”
“I’m fine with that. Now come on, our food will get cold.” You let go of him, but stayed in the kitchen, watching him leave the room. It felt surreal.
“You coming?” He asked as he turned around to see where you were. “Are you okay?” You smiled.
“No, I’m fine.” A single tear left your eye for the first time in forever.
He was back. You had your Hope back.