Work Text:
Angela hated reaching out for help. It always made her feel gross and icky. She hated it because she didn't want to seem weak and vulnerable around people. She was always the loud and outgoing person, who people could talk to about anything and she'd always listen. However, when it came to people that she thought she could talk to, no one came to mind. And she was content with it being that way. She hated even the idea of vulnerability or letting someone see any form of unpleasant emotion. It just made her feel like a leech, not wanted but stuck on the other person. Like a parasite just trying to take all the happiness out of someone.
But maybe, it's okay to talk about feelings once in a while.
Angela leant her head back against the cold tiles of her bathroom. Her vision was blurred, probably from the tears in her eyes but her mind couldn't stop going back to the worst possibilities. Everything at work had been so much. There were too many things going on, so many things had happened. She just couldn't take it.
Angela's breathing was rapid and short but thinking about it just made it worse. Her throat was sore from crying and her eyes were red. She sniffled as she held onto herself. She just wanted to be in the arms of her girlfriend, watching a movie or just cuddling with Spork. But she couldn't, because she was crying in her bathroom and Amanda was in her own apartment doing whatever.
Angela moved her sleeve back to reveal a mass of cuts. She studied them. She felt instantly guilty. She hated that she had done it and not told anyone. Not even Amanda, and that made her feel worse.
Angela traced her cuts with her finger, she flinched in pain as she did so. She wasn't sure why she did it, everything just got too much and it happened. She felt bad that she'd let it happen, of course, but she had had a moment of relief when she did it and that was worth it a million times more. What wasn't worth it, was the face of Amanda when she finds out.
Amanda would probably break up with her, kick her, hit her, shout at her. All those images piled in Angela's head. She felt ill. She knew that never in a million years would Amanda do something like that but her mind didn't. Her mind grasped onto the delusions and wouldn't let go. The only way that Angela would clear her mind was harming herself. Making slits on her arms was the way she found comfort.
Tears were falling rapidly down Angela's cheeks. She'd had enough. Her brain had had enough. She'd had enough of the world. She already knew she couldn't kill herself if she tried, because she had. And she was still there. But sometimes, all Angela could think about is dying. Would she be missed? What would the reaction of her friends and family be? What would the reaction of her fans be? Would they care? And even though she knew the logical answer to all those questions, her brain flooded her senses with false ideas. She believed that, no. Her family and friends and fans wouldn't actually care. They'd maybe attend a funeral but ultimately, she didn't believe that they would care at all.
After getting too deep in her thoughts and scaring herself even more, Angela decided it was time. She shakily picked up her phone and called Amanda. As the phone was rininging, Angela couldn't help but feel guilty. Guilty about what she hadn't told her. After what felt like a life time but was really only a few seconds, Amanda picked up the phone.
"Hey, baby. You alright?" Angela thought her anxious breathing down the phone could be some sort of giveaway.
"No." Her voice was shaky. She didn't like that she had to call her girlfriend to save her from something that, she thought, she could easily get herself out of.
"What's the matter?" Her tone was gentle and welcoming. Angela instantly felt more at home in her voice than she did in her apartment.
"Uh... I'm really not doing well..." Angela could hear shuffling from the other end of the phone.
"Do you want me to come get you? I'll take you to my house and we can just talk?" Angela liked the idea of that.
"Yes please." The smaller brunette said quietly. She didn't want to admit to needing help. She didn't want to admit to anything.
"Okay, baby... I'll be there in a few minutes, yeah?"
"Yeah. Bye."
"Bye."
Angela hung the phone up. She laid her head back to where it was previously. She felt her arms were throbbing and she knew that that meant she wanted to cut. Amanda wasn't going to be long, but then again.... she knew she'd feel momentarily better but was it worth it right now?
She reached for the blade. Her fingers pressed so had on it that they turn white. Her face red from crying so much and her cheeks damp with salty tears. She held back her sleeve as she made a cut. It was a smaller, shallower one that usual but it stung the same.
She made another. And another. And another and another and another. She was sobbing, crying to stop but physically not being able to. Eventually, she was satisfied. Six new cuts were bleeding from her arm. That 20 seconds of mind numbing pain was over, the intense pain and pressure for cleaning up was next.
Angela hurriedly grabbed at her first aid kit from her cabinet. She could hear Spork scratching on the bathroom door.
"I'll be a second, Spork!" She called out to the dog and, obviously, he didn't understand a word of what she said and just went right back to scratching. That was making her head hurt. The hunt for bandages and the scratching on her door and the blood falling down her arms and the stinging sensation and-
There was a knock on the door.
"Amanda!" Angela cried out. She very quickly wiped away the blood with some toilet paper, shoved the first aid kit into the cabinet she took it from and then rolled her sleeve down. She felt the stinging feeling of fabric rubbing against open cuts but she would rather that than Amanda see what was under it.
The brunette opened her door and was greeted with a taller brunette. Amanda instantly hugged her arms around Angela. Her crying face was obvious, that was fine. Angela was going to just let Amanda believe all she did was a bit of crying. Angela shut the door behind her girlfriend and both women walked over to her couch. Spork instantly ran up to Amanda and was given a few pets before the taller woman turned her attention to the smaller one.
"What's happened?" Amanda asked softly.
"I've just been really stressed... and I just can't anymore. Like... it's hard for me to keep going and put the same amount of energy into the videos that I normally do without feeling burnt out and in desperate need of a nap. I'm just too... I don't know... I'm just too tired to do things anymore. I'm too tired to carry on." Amanda frowned softly.
"Oh, baby.... do you think you need tomorrow off?" Angela nodded a little.
"But I don't wanna be alone." She sniffled quietly.
"Okay... I can see if I can stay off with you yeah?" Angela nodded at the proposition.
"Yeah." Angela said quietly. Amanda smiled softly at her girlfriend, that was until her eyes caught site of something.
"What's that?" She pointed to Angela's arm. Angela followed her gaze and gulped slightly.
"Wh..what's what?" Amanda frowned. Angela's heart was beating 1000 miles per hour.
"The big red patch on your otherwise nice top."
Angela looked down at her feet.
"I- I dunno." Amanda moved forward a little.
"Can I?" She was asking to roll the sleeve back. Fuck.
"Yeah.." Angela's voice came out all watery. "But please don't hate me." Amanda was confused.
"Why would I hate you?" Angela was about to burst out into sobs.
"I don't know but please don't." Amanda was now incredibly concerned. Yeah, she'd been worried before, but now Angela was on hysterics all because of something on her sleeve.
"I won't look if you don't want me to..."
"Okay." Angela's breathing was rapid.
"Hey, baby, it's okay." Amanda said softly as she rubbed her thumb across the back of her girlfriend's hand. "Do you need some water or something?" Angela nodded. Amanda got up and placed a loving kiss to her forehead. Spork decided that where Ananda was previously sitting was way more comfortable than the other part of the couch he was sitting on.
Amanda came back with a glass of water and kicked Spork out of her spot. She handed the glass to Angela and watched as she drank the water.
"I'm so sorry. You can look if you want. And you promise you won't leave me or hit me or hate me or anything." Amanda looked mildly horrified.
"Do I need to kill any exs of yours?" Angela frowned.
"Why?"
"Because who, the fuck, would hit you, hate you or leave when you're struggling?" Angela looked down.
"Clearly no one good. I just... I dunno, I know you'd never do anything like that. I've just had it happen too many times. But that was when I was with men so, guess it really does depend on who you date. I'm sorry for even assuming you would it's just, it was always a smack there, a kick because of that, I just don't want the same to happen again..." Angela was very clearly about to break down again.
"Don't ever apologise for thinking that, you have every right to. Of course, I know and you know I'd never ever do that, but I also know that you can stop your brain from making it all seem worse."
Angela was in full blown tears now.
"Thank you Mandy." She cried. Amanda smiled softly at the nickname. She gently pulled Angela towards her and placed her on her lap.
The smaller woman cuddled into the taller one.
"Look if you want. I promise I won't overthink it. Amanda shook her head softly.
"I won't look if you don't want me to." On one hand, Angela was happy. Because she didn't want to let Amanda know and she'd feel better if she didn't. On the other hand, Angela knew that Amanda had to find out. She guessed that she'd already sort of figured it out, but she knew that it was best for her to know.
"I want you to."
"Okay." So, Amanda rolled back Angela's sleeve. There, she saw the six fresh and bleeding cuts, but she also saw the healed, less recent cuts. She saw the ones that were healing, ones that were healing and had then been re-opened.
"Angela..." Amanda said softly. She had a small frown on her face. "Oh, baby..." Amanda looked up to her girlfriend who was crying.
"I'm so sorry. I am... I just couldn't take it... I'm sorry I am, I'm so sorry."
"Stop apologising, honey... you have nothing to be sorry for." Angela nodded.
"Okay.... okay yeah." She took some deep breaths and calmed herself down.
"We need to clean these up..." Amanda said as she examined the cuts. Angela winced in pain as Amanda moved her arm.
"I know, I was going to but then you knocked on my door and... well, yeah." Angela said quietly.
"Okay, cmon." The taller brunette said as she led her smaller girlfriend towards the bathroom. Amanda grabbed the first aid kit that had hastily been put away.
Angela gratefully accepted the help as Amanda cleaned and bandaged her cuts.
"I'm sorry." Angela kept saying it and it annoyed Amanda but in a loving way.
"Nope. Stop saying it."
"Sorry.."
"Nope. Nope. You did nothing wrong so I don't wanna hear it." Amanda finished bandaging the cuts and began to pack the first aid kit away. Angela stared at the wrapped arm. It was done so well, she never had it that good herself. She smiled softly.
"Thanks for helping me." Her throat was scratchy.
"No problem. Please, come to me any time you feel like you might do it again. Or if you even think about it. I'm here for you, Ange." Amanda leaned in a closed the gap between them. It was a short but sweet kiss.
When the two women pulled away, the taller one smiled.
"You wanna go watch some Netflix or something?" Angela nodded eagerly.
"Can we do it at yours? I don't wanna be here tonight." Angela asked whilst looking down at her feet.
"Sure. And you're gonna wanna know if you can bring Spork?" Angela smiled.
"Maybe..."
"Yes, you can." Angela grinned and quickly went to grab Spork.
The two women then headed out to Amanda's car where they drove to Amanda's place. There, they watched Netflix and fell asleep on the sofa with Spork nestling himself in between them.