Chapter Text
James woke up with his bed, usually so full of warmth, feeling cold, something missing from his arms. It didn’t alarm him as much as it should have, he knew Lily had the habit of wandering in the middle of the night, especially when she was stressed or worried. And they had a lot to worry about at the moment.
He reluctantly got out of his bed, not eager to leave the warm of the covers and enter the slight chill of the frigid autumn night air. It seemed like dawn was still fairly far away as there was no light peaking around the blinds, leaving the room bathed in darkness. It would have usually made reaching for his glasses on the bed side table difficult, but he had become fairly used to the layout of their bedroom, even if they had only lived here for a short amount of time.
Their door was slightly ajar, he noticed as he slipped past, but that wasn’t very unusual. They always left the door open so their cat, Daisy, could sleep with them if she wanted to. The hallway, he observed, wasn’t as dark as usual. The hallway would have been in complete darkness if the door at the end of the hallway wasn’t slightly open, letting light spill out. Lily was in the nursery with the twins, then. They only had the lamps on during the day or in the evening, never during the night.
With light feet he walked down the hall to the door, the carpet soft and squishy underfoot. The house was silent except for a soft humming, which was coming from the nursery. He pushed the door open carefully, wincing at the slight creak that it made. Lily was standing, leaning slightly over Harry’s crib, humming a soft tune, one he wasn’t sure the origin of. It must be muggle, then. She hadn’t moved when he had entered, so he was uncertain if she was ignoring him or didn’t notice that he came into the room.
“Does Will not deserve some humming as well?” He joked, a soft smile on his face. Seeing his wife with his kids was always so delightful. Will’s crib was on the other side of the room, on the right, so it would be impossible to bend over both cribs at the same time. At the sound of his voice, she had turned to face him, straightening up and no longer leaning over Harry.
She grinned at him, a teasing light beginning to shine in her bright eyes. “I only have one body; I can’t do everything at the same time. That’s why I have you, so you can do everything that I can’t do myself.”
She moved and sat in the middle of the floor, adjusted herself so that she was sitting more comfortably, her chin propped up on her knee. Her grin slipped from her face, light dimming in her eyes, as if it was never there in the first place.
James went and sat in front of her, face to face, cross-legged. He could tell, even with her attempt at teasing, that she wasn’t in a very good mindset at the moment. She had the small furrow in her brow that she got when she was upset, and her lip was raw from her chewing it like she always does when she is worried about something.
“Is that all I am to you? Something for you to boss around and do whatever you want?” He tried to tease, tried to get a smile on her face and lighten the atmosphere to where it was previously. He could guess what was upsetting her but there wasn’t much he could do about it other than try to keep positive and ignore the ever-present fear in the back of their minds.
She attempted to smile at his joke, but it fell flat, no joy filling her face. She was trying to be strong, for him, but he could see that a joke, no matter how funny or witty, wouldn’t be able to reassure her and get rid of any of the fear in her.
“Hey,” he said, leaning forward to place his hand on where her hand had fallen in her lap. “Everything is going to be alright, ok? He can’t find us here; we are both safe and so are the twins.”
She looked up at him with her big, doe eyes and he could see that even though she knew that they were currently safe, and no one could find them here, she was still scared and uncertain. Honestly, he was terrified as well. They couldn’t hide forever, and they knew that they were going to be found eventually, even if it took years. Someone will let something slip, a silly mistake, even if they are so careful, but it is going to happen. They didn’t know when it would happen, but he just hoped that it would take years, not days, for them to be found.
He knew he was going to die when they were found, he wouldn’t have it any other way, but he isn’t certain that Lily was going to choose too as well.
“I know he can’t find us as long as we have the fidelius but what happens when it falls? We both know that our location will be revealed at some point.” She quietly said. He squeezed her hand, reassuringly.
Sirius was acting as a diversion, making it seem like he was the secret keeper but what would happen when it’s found out that it’s all a lie? Peter, no matter how much he wanted to believe that he wouldn’t, would tell someone their location eventually. Whether through torture, through methods that he couldn’t even fathom, threats to people he cares about like his mother, he will end up telling. He just hopes it might happen in the distant future, which is such a horrible and selfish thing to want, so that he could experience having his new family, his sons, even for a short time. But what life would they have, locked up in their small cottage?
“I know.” He said, reluctantly. He didn’t want to think badly of his friends, but he couldn’t lie to himself. “We just need to hope that we’ll have the most amount of time together, ok? With our sons.”
At the mention of their kids her eyes softened, covering the fear that was, and still is, in her eyes. She stood up and walked over to Will, returning to the position she was previously in, but this time to the opposite twin. Even with the colour coded clothes (blue and orange, which was Lily’s idea. He wanted red and gold) and the assigned positions of Will always being on the right and Harry always on the left, he would be able to tell them apart just from their faces alone. They just looked different. They both had his dark hair, and Lily’s bright green eyes, though they were shut at the moment. He couldn’t be completely certain what other features of their parents they would eventually end up favouring, as they were babies, but their small baby faces still looked different.
He gazed at Harry, his little bundle of joy. He wouldn’t be able to stand it if anything happened to him, their oldest child, their first-born son. And Will, who was curious about everything that he sees and is so, so talkative. He would die so that both of them would live. Or so that he wouldn’t live in a world where they were both weren’t in it.
Which one of you is the prophecy talking about… He thought desperately, the reason that they were locked up and caged, cowing in fear for their lives. They didn’t know and wasn’t that horrible? It might not be one of his kids, it could be referring to the Longbottom’s kid, Neville, instead…
Minutes of complete silence passed, of both of them just admiring their children, thoughts racing, full of fear and uncertainty. He didn’t know what Lily was thinking, and, with what they were previously talking about, it could be pretty much anything.
“You know that I love you, right?” Lily asked, disturbing the quiet atmosphere that had been created in the quietness of night. Even without looking at her he could tell that she was thinking hard about something.
“Of course I do.” He reassured. “I could never forget.” And he wouldn’t. He loved her so much it hurt, and he knew her well enough to tell that she loved him too. She already knew this, they’ve talked about it before, reassured each other, so why was she asking it again?
“I’m going to die.” She said, bluntly. He opened his mouth to possibly say something, but she carried on before he could speak. “If-When he comes, I’m going to die. I know it. I know it. I won’t be able stand aside and watch him kill our kids when he comes. I’ll die a-and if you’re alive when it happens, I want you to remember that it’s not because I love them more than being with you, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t. But I also wouldn’t fault you for surrendering, letting him do what he wants...”
He turned around and cupped her cheek. Her tears had started to well up with tears and his heart clenched. She was probably the strongest person he knew, able to stand up for anything she was passionate about, fire in her eyes and possessing the ability to follow through. But she loved so strongly too, not being able to do anything, other than hide, to keep her loved ones safe must be so hard for her.
“We are both going to die, then. He’ll have to go through me before he could ever get to you or the kids, I won’t stand aside and let him do anything.” He declared. “I’ll full body tackle him if I have to, too.” He added, trying to lighten the mood. All this thinking about the future was upsetting both of them, all they could do is think and think and think. They just had to live and wait and see what would happen. They might as well try to enjoy themselves while they waited.
Lily smiled, a small smile, not one of her ones that are so full of mirth and joy, but it was better than nothing. “I would pay to see that, the look on his face would be hilarious.”
He smiled as well at the thought. It would certainly be hilarious, but he would certainly be killed before he could even attempt it, doing that would be a last resort and a death sentence. They both knew this.
He pulled her fully into his arms, squeezing her tight, her soft body pressing into his skinnier one. They stayed like that for a while, basking in each other’s warmth. He was unsure for how long the embrace had been going on for and eventually he whispered, “Do you want to go back to bed?”
He didn’t know how long they had been up for or the time, but he knew that it was pretty late. He didn’t know how long Lily had been awake for, if she woke in the middle of the night or wandered out of their bed after struggling to go fall asleep for some time. It’s also fairly cold and she wasn’t wearing the warmest pyjamas.
“I want to stay in here.” She quietly said. He nodded, understanding why she would have wanted to, he felt tempted for the same reasons. He let go of her and looked around the nursery, knowing that they usually left a quilt somewhere in the room. He picked it up from where it was left in a pile on the floor. Though it wasn’t as thick as the blanket on their bed, it will still be better than nothing.
He sat down, his back leaning on Harry’s crib. It wasn’t the most comfortable spot, with the wooden bars digging into his back and the floorboards being able to be felt through the carpet, but he could deal with it. He motioned at her to come sit down with him, a small wave. Before sitting down next to him she turned off the lamp, something he had forgotten was even on. He threw the quilt over the top of them both, Lily snuggling into his body.
Although the position that he was in wasn’t the comfiest, the juxtaposition of soft and hard with the wooden frame and the soft quilt, but he didn’t really mind it. The blanket cocoon was warm, he had his wife with him, and he was with his two kids.
He wasn’t really tired himself, but he knew that Lily needed the sleep. This wasn’t the first time that he had found her wandering during the night, after all.
Eventually, minutes ticked by of just staring into the darkness, an hour, maybe two, and Lily’s breathe started to even out and soft snoring filled the room. His eyes were drooping and finally he closed his eyes and let the darkness of sleep to pull him under.