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A week ago, Seonghwa and Hongjoong scheduled a date. It would be nice, casual-formal, higher end but not too fancy of a restaurant. Seonghwa said it would be her treat, because Hongjoong’s been working very hard lately, and barely had free time. Seonghwa was so excited because it would be when she presented a promise ring, officially asking him to be her boyfriend. They hadn’t discussed it since the love confessions sometime ago, so she hoped the date would be the night they do and come to a conclusion.
Unfortunately, Seonghwa woke up to a sad cancellation sent at four in the morning. ‘ Can't make the date tomorrow sorry’. Seonghwa told him that it was fine, they could schedule again and she asked if he was caught up with work. He read it and never responded. Seonghwa asked again if he was doing alright- if work was messing up their schedule. No response. ‘ U okay?’ Seonghwa asked. Hongjoong told her he was busy, sorry. Seonghwa offered to bring him food at the studio, no response… She was concerned. Very concerned.
She texts Maddox. He hasn’t heard from Hongjoong today.
She texts Eden. He talked to Hongjoong once, asking if he saw the cloud update about a new track. Hongjoong said ‘I'll get to it’ and that was it.
She texts Mingi. He said Hongjoong and he argued last night, but it was a silly one, nothing that would hurt Hongjoong’s feelings like that for him to be so… inactive today.
Seonghwa was stumped, so all she knew to do was go directly to his house. Putting on some pants was all she did before she drove into the parking garage of Hongjoong’s complex, spotting his motorcycle still in the assigned spot, with the tarp over it. He preferred public transit, but when he had a distance to go without needing anything more than his backpack, he’d take it out, also taking it for joyrides. Seonghwa calls Hongjoong, the phone ringing a few times before going to voicemail. She was not going to give this up. Clearly, he wasn’t at the studio, because she even asked, and it was a no.
Seonghwa wasn’t stupid. She can read Hongjoong like a book. Something was up. Something happened to him, whether someone caused it, or his mind was playing with him. She enters the elevator and calls him one more time, surprisingly getting the answer of a quiet sniffle and a shaky breath.
“What?”
“You home?”
“Why does it matter?” He grumbles. Seonghwa takes a deep breath, before humming softly.
“So you are,” She says sternly. “Hongjoong, I know you’re going through something right now, why else would you be silent all day? Not at the studio, not chatting with anyone . Wait for me, okay?” She says softly. Hongjoong hangs up. Seonghwa growls, before pocketing her phone and rolling her eyes, waiting for the elevator to ding at his floor. She exits it and quickly approaches Hongjoong’s door, knocking a few times.
“Hongjoong~” She coos. The beep and click of him unlocking the door invited her in, but Hongjoong was not at the door. He unlocked it through his phone app… Seriously? Can't even greet me at the door when you obviously want me there? She clicks her tongue before removing her shoes. She calls again, “Hongjoong? You let me in so clearly you aren’t opposed to my arrival, so why didn’t you greet me, hm?” She asks, before entering his room. A pile of blankets and sadness greeted her. She sat on the edge of his bed and removed the blanket from his face, seeing his eye bags and tear-stained cheeks.
“Don’t touch me…” He mumbles. Seonghwa puts her hand down, leaving it in her lap.
“Alright. I won’t touch you. But can you tell me what's going on, baby?” She asks. Seonghwa mentioned before she’d love to be a kindergarten teacher, helping kids with her sweet voice. She even studied teaching for a few months but had to drop out because of the harassment she was facing and well, now, with her career, it would be way too hard to try again, let alone be let around children without people complaining. But, she still had her skills. How to console a child, speak softly and pay attention to their needs, understand their boundaries and ensure they feel like they have power, independence, and respect. The problem with so many childcare workers is that they treat certain age groups as if they’re not their own person, dismissing their needs, wants, and boundaries. Calling it spoiled, selfish, even disobedient.
Seonghwa could tell Hongjoong was in a child-like state- not regressed, but feeling so insignificant and small, so scared and sad, it reminded her of just a little boy, who needed to be taken care of. Hongjoong clears his throat.
“I’m so pathetic…” He whispers. “I spend all this money and effort and time to feel remotely like a man, yet… I’ll never be sir-ed like cis men.” He chokes back tears. Seonghwa cocks her head with a frown.
“Hongjoong, don’t talk like that.” She says softly.
“You know, maybe If I was just born a dude, I’d never have had these problems. Self-harm, drugs, fights, all those things I did to just try so hard to fit in with the guys, but I was still just a ‘ weird girl’ to them. Would I still do those things for validation? Or would I live a more humble, casual, nerdy life like I wanted to?” He asks hypotheticals. Seonghwa sighs and shakes her head, standing up from the bed.
“Do you want some hot cocoa, my love?” She asks. Hongjoong chuckles.
“Even you don’t want to listen to my issues… god, I’m so fucked up…” He sighs. Seonghwa glares at him, before sitting right back down in the bed.
“No, that’s not what I’m doing. Hongjoong, I care. I care so much. I want to listen and help and support… and Hot cocoa is a great starting ground. It’s like how therapists ask if you want something to drink, they typically have water. To ease the tension so you can talk to me a little more clearly.” She crosses her arms, making sure to add a little extra bounce to her movement. Hongjoong curls up even more.
“Boobs are not the answer right now.” He notices her appeal attempt. She uncrosses her arms and flattens her shirt out with a cough.
“Sorry… Worth a try.” She pokes him. He lets out a soft giggle, poking her back. He unravels himself from the blankets but remains fetally scrunched up, holding his knees tightly. Seonghwa opens her arms, inviting Hongjoong into them. He opens his arms but doesn’t sit up, which Seonghwa makes up for by laying next to him and holding him, tucking his head into her chest, petting his hair softly.
“You know, all these dysphorias you’ve explained… I don’t get it… What do you mean it's pathetic you’ve had to put in extra effort to be the best version of you?” She asks. Hongjoong shrugs.
“It’s just… It’s so stupid, why I had to spend thousands of dollars just to look and sound like a man when others just… get to experience that. I never experienced boyhood, because I was always shoved out when it became a gender thing. I used to be the kid who got dirty on the monkey bars, the kid who put rocks and worms in his pockets, the kid who never had a grass-stainless pair of pants. But then as soon as I hit that age where more development was present and gender was becoming more and more separate, I already knew I was a boy. I wasn’t a girl. Yet… I was totally ruled out because they thought I was a girl. I was developing into one.” He rants. “It doesn’t help that I hit puberty too early and faced so much trauma from all that getting thrown on you plus all the creepy guys calling me a beautiful young lady… lady, as if I was already worth being adulthood…” He hugs Seonghwa tight. “Having to go through all that and already knowing I was transgender when no one around you knew what it was… It was terrifying… I’m so glad my mom understood and helped me as soon as she could, but… the damage was already done.” He shakes his head with a chuckle. “I was homeschooled for half of my high school because they refused to let me wear a men's uniform, you know? When I first entered a high school classroom, wearing a men's uniform, the professor immediately wouldn’t stop questioning and berating me… I punched him square in the face, and had to transfer.” He smirks. “That jerk deserved it though, he later got caught harassing the female students.” Hongjoong sighs, putting his hands between the two of them. He rubs them together and Seonghwa holds them softly, ceasing his fidget. Seonghwa hadn’t really looked, but when she did glance down, she saw the big square bandaid on his thigh. Her mouth parts softly as she puts a gentle hand over it. Hongjoong looked away.
“I-i know… You don’t have to say anything… I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry you have to go through this, these random, sudden, explosive feelings like this.”
“Well, don’t you?” He asks. Seonghwa hums.
“Not… really. I mean, yes, I have my doubts, I have my feelings… But being in the kind of work I am in, I’m pretty used to getting praised and treated like basically a goddess, so it sort of helps me get through it.” She smiles softly. Hongjoong hums.
“Well, You are a goddess. I’m just a loser guy who still pulls on his hoodie years after he got surgery…” He chuckles. Seonghwa holds his shoulders tightly, looking him square in the eyes.
“You are an absolute god amongst this earth. Haven’t you noticed how sexual fiction depicts you so frequently? It’s because they want to try and harness even a fraction of your grace, masculinity, and absolute sexual beauty. You are meant to be praised!” She said, holding his cheeks and caressing them softly. “So why do you put yourself down? You deserve the absolute world handed to you... If God made you in his image, his image was exactly this. Not just some guy, you’re an absolute beauty who was made to be such a divine being of such transsexual, elite energy. No one can ever be you and you can never be like them. You’re above those cis men. You’ve put in a thousand times more effort and you’ve succeeded more than they have. Beyond what they can even comprehend.” She kisses him softly. “Tell me what’s the meaning behind the permanence of art upon your skin, my love?”
“That… No one can be like me.”
“So how could you dare compare yourself to others? To yearn for their experience of low efforts? You aren't them.”
“I’m not them…”
“And you've worked so hard to make sure you are your own unique beauty, and my god, Hongjoong, that is by far the most attractive part about you. You’ve done everything to achieve this outstanding glory, and I for one, could never be more attracted to you in any other way.” She finishes her monologue. Hongjoong felt on top of the world hearing such beautiful prose waxed about him and his transsexual beauty. He laughs at this. Not because it’s funny, but because he's embarrassed from receiving so much praise. Seonghwa rubs his back and then his tummy, lifting his hoodie up and brushing a thumb over his scared nipple. Hongjoong giggles, shuddering from the touch. Seonghwa kissed his head and cooed, telling him how adorable he was. Hongjoong cuddles impossibly closer, nuzzling his face into her chest happily. Seonghwa squeezes her elbows into her chest to make them tighter around Hongjoong’s head, and the younger sighs happily from the comforting pressure.
“Awe, how cute…” her voice is dripping honey as her hands travel down to Hongjoong’s boxers, pulling on the waistband. Hongjoong leans away and shakes his head.
“No…” He says, pushing her hand away. Seonghwa frowns not because she's disappointed, but is sad it’s probably to do with his dysphoria. But she understands. Her hands go up in surrender.
“Sorry baby.” She whispers. Hongjoong presses their noses together with a soft smile, looking like a cute little kitten. Seonghwa cups his cheeks and rubs their faces together, giggling in each other’s mouths as they share a sweet kiss. Seonghwa thumbs his face before grimacing.
“You’re so oily… I just realized that.” She comments. Hongjoong crosses his arms with a pout.
“Depression doesn’t make me a great self-caring individual…” He mumbles. Seonghwa kisses his forehead.
“Which is what I’m here for! I’ll make you something to eat, I'll wash your face for you, I’ll do anything you need, baby, okay?”
“Thank you mommy…” He whispers. Seonghwa stands from the bed, scooping Hongjoong up with her. Hongjoong yelps but grips her tightly.
“Whatcha wanna eat?” She asks with a smile.
“Uhm… Soup!” He says, cuddling closer to her. She hums, wandering to the kitchen with him held close. She sits him down on the counter before grabbing his designated soup mug and a pot, adding water to the pot and grabbing the instant soup package. Hongjoong had a favourite soup, a powdered instant soup because it was easy to make for his rough days. If Seonghwa had the time and supplies to make a homemade soup, though, she would in a heartbeat. But Hongjoong’s favourite is what comes first. She waits for the water to boil by standing between Hongjoong’s legs, looking up at him while holding his hips and rubbing soft circles on them. Hongjoong wraps his legs around her waist and leans forward, kissing her softly. She sways softly with him as his hands shakily reach down to her chest, fondling them softly. She shivers with a soft moan, hitting him playfully before stepping away.
“Easy there, baby…” She giggles.
Shortly after the water begins bubbling and she puts the soup packet in, stirring occasionally until it's fully dissolved and the noodles are soft. She pours it skillfully into the large mug and grabs an ice cube for Hongjoong, dropping it in the hot mug to cool it down a little bit. Hongjoong jumps down from the counter with a thud, feeling the pain in his thigh from his relapse. He hits it softly before walking to the couch with Seonghwa behind, sitting with him. Her knees go up and her arms go around his shoulder as she hands him the mug. Hongjoong crosses his legs and looks at her.
“Thank you.” He leans his head forward. She rubs his back and meets in the middle for yet another, gentle loving kiss.
“Love you.” She says, her head turned, inloveism in her deep gaze. Hongjoong pokes her nose before taking a careful sip of the soup.
“Love you too.”
Once he finishes his soup with the help of Seonghwa taking occasional sips, she does the dishes— all of them, because they were already piling up— then carries Hongjoong to the bathroom to tend to his thigh and clean his face. They did a face mask together, Seonghwa telling him about the different vitamins and oils and what they do. Hongjoong shrugs.
“I just don’t want to have breakouts.” He shares his simple desires. She nods.
“Well, Obviously, no one wants breakouts, but it's a lot harder to prevent since you are actively dosing testosterone, the hormone that makes you break out the most, arguably.” She giggles. Hongjoong puffs his chest with a cheeky smile.
“Yup! I’m so manly, breaking out all the time.” Seonghwa rolls her eyes, continuing to rub in the moisturizer.
“Yeah, you’re so manly, you make your girlfriend make soup for you…” She jokes. Hongjoong freezes.
“G-Girlfriend?”
Seonghwa’s face pales. They hadn’t discussed this yet and she just let it slip out like that. She panics, shaking her head and apologizing.
“Sorry! Sorry, I-It just came out! I don’t know what I was thinking, oh, we probably aren’t like that, you probably don’t think of me as that—” Hongjoong cuts her off with a deep kiss, some of the product transferring to her face. He pulls away slowly, looking her in the eyes.
“Do you…” He grabs her hand. “Do you want to be my girlfriend?” He asks softly. Seonghwa gulps.
“N-not if you don’t want to be like that, We- we’ve only known each other for a couple of months, it’s probably not expected or wanted at this moment, S-sorry for saying that…” Hongjoong kisses her again.
“I’m gonna ask again. Do you want to be my girlfriend?”
“I…” She takes a deep breath. “Ever since we first met after the session I couldn’t get enough of you. You were so strong, inspirational, and amazing, I love everything about you. I wanted nothing but to care for you, to be more. So… Yes, Hongjoong, I would love to be your girlfriend… If you’d like to be my Boyfriend.” She bites her lower lip. Hongjoong’s face couldn’t resist breaking out in a giant smile as he nodded frantically.
“Yes… yes, yes, yes, yes! Yes, Seonghwa…! I’ve always considered myself aromantic, someone who doesn’t want or need romance, but you… You helped me realize that I just hadn’t found the one. But now…” He squeezes her hands. “I found the one. It’s you.” He whispers.
“So… It’s official…” She sighs with relief. Hongjoong hums.
“It is…”
“Wow…” She smiles. “So, my boyfriend… Can I finish cleaning up your face before we head to bed…?” She asks. Hongjoong nods.
“Of course, my girlfriend, who wonderfully made me soup. The best girlfriend award goes to you.” He kisses her again. They keep kissing, giggling with each one, before settling comfortably in each other’s hold.
“Let’s clean off your face now, hm?”
“Yes ma’am!” He says, closing his eyes. She grabs the wet rag and wipes off his face, giving him a soft kiss on the face. “Then…” He starts again, getting to a mumble from being shy. “Can you suck my dick…?” He asks softly. Seonghwa giggled.
“Baby, I’ll take great care of your handsome chode.”
Hongjoong giggles.