Work Text:
Maggie felt numb.
The kind of distant feeling that resulted from too much stress, too many options and scenarios all bearing down on the mind until finally, it just shut down. Not entirely, of course, because the ever-present sinking feeling of doom and extreme guilt still coiled themselves through her body like snakes, waiting to strike. To cause harm. To ruin and uproot a little girl’s life for the second time.
Maggie shook her head and closed her eyes, willing the numbness to return. She needed to think things out and make some big decisions… but she didn’t have to do it right this second.
She glanced behind her at OA, catching his concerned gaze before he quickly looked back at the paperwork in front of him. The paperwork they normally completed together. But not tonight.
Maggie needed to be home. With Ella. And OA understood and he had her back, but as she looked away again, more guilt filled her. He deserved a partner who was fully present.
That used to be her… but it wasn’t anymore, was it? It couldn’t be like that anymore because she was responsible for another life. How insane…
Maggie sighed and looked at the ground, wishing the elevator would just hurry up already. She just wanted to leave. To relish the fact that, despite the day’s best efforts, she did not die and leave Ella without anyone again. She did get shot, but it hadn’t penetrated the vest. And she had definitely been in a room, knowingly outnumbered and out-gunned, but her team had risen to the occasion and ultimately eliminated the threat.
“May I join you?”
Maggie jumped slightly at the sudden voice, surprised that anyone had managed to get so close to her without her even realizing. She turned to see Scola standing next to her, his eyebrows furrowed as he observed her.
“Oh, yeah,” she said quickly, a forced smile forming on her lips as the elevator doors dinged and opened up. “Of course.”
He offered a tight smile then motioned for her to enter first while he lightly held the elevator door so it wouldn’t close on them. She accepted the moment of chivalry and entered, all while mentally trying to put on a facade of normality.
“Did you get checked out by a medic?” He asked casually once the doors closed. “I took one to the vest a couple years back and it hurt like hell.”
She remembered that moment vividly; it was a cold day and they were tailing a suspect. Within an instant, the man had turned and fired at Scola, dropping him to the pavement. She remembered the terror she had felt until she realized the vest had done its job. Crazy to think that, had the bullet not been stopped, Dougie may have never existed.
But things like that always happened so fast… it didn’t always matter how good they were at their jobs.
“Uh, yeah,” she said absentmindedly. “Nasty bruise, but that’s it.”
“Wait ‘til tomorrow,” he replied with a stiff chuckle. “Go ahead and have some pain killers on standby because that second day… well, the following couple of days are a doozy.”
Maggie nodded and bit her lips for a moment, choosing to not remind him that she’d taken bullets to the vest before. “Yeah… okay. Um, hey, thanks for having my back today. I felt a whole lot better once you showed up.”
Scola half shrugged, “I didn’t do a whole lot. Thankfully OA and the others managed to talk the dear old prophet into standing down. Not sure how long we would have lasted in there…”
He had said it somewhat flippantly but the implications still broke the dam of emotions she had so carefully been holding at bay for so long now. He walked out of the elevator, but she stayed put; her feet seemingly glued to the floor and eyes staring at nothing in particular.
Maggie couldn’t explain the feeling, she just knew it was intense and reminded her slightly of the days following Jason’s death. Autopilot. Living in a daze.
“Hey,” she heard Scola say suddenly, quickly returning to the elevator to keep the doors from closing. “Maggie… you okay?”
Slowly, Maggie turned her gaze to meet his. People, mostly OA, had been asking her that so often ever since Jessica died and she never really knew how to answer it.
“You’re not okay,” Scola said quietly before returning to the elevator. She wanted to correct him, but she couldn’t. She wasn’t sure if this was some type of an anxiety attack or what, but it was like she was barely in control of her own body.
As the doors closed, she noticed Scola push the button for the top floor and off they went.
“How do you do it?” She asked finally, her jaw bordering on quivering. “Dougie’s, what, ten months now? How many close calls have you had since then? How many times have you almost been blown up or riddled with bullets? If you… if you die, he grows up without a dad… How do you face it everyday and not feel so guilty?”
Scola sighed and she suddenly noticed more tension in his features than before. She knew it had to be a difficult question for him to answer but he was the only other teammate who had a child’s future weighing in their conscience while out in the field regularly.
“There’s always some guilt,” he replied simply as he slipped his hands into his pocket. “I watched my niece and nephew grow up without ever knowing their dad and yeah, I don’t want that for Dougie. But… I also know my brother was killed while just showing up to his safe desk job.”
Maggie wrapped her arms around her stomach and nodded. Yes, she knew the line about danger and death being a part of life… but most people could go a lifetime without ever being shot at. But not Maggie and her team. Getting shot at was a weekly occurrence.
“Granted, he died in a terrorist attack which isn’t exactly common,” Scola continued as if reading her mind. “But on the other hand, I’m a part of a badass team who helps keep those attacks uncommon. ”
Maggie nodded, taking in the information and, if nothing else, appreciating the fact that Scola was willingly talking about such topics. And she knew what he was getting at: there were reasons to stay on the team and reasons to go… either decision could be justified, but that certainly didn’t help her.
“Look, Maggie,” he said seriously, his eyes watching her intensely. “Every situation… every person, every kid… it all varies. Nina and I both work risky jobs but we’ve decided the chances of us both dying on the same day are slim. So at least one parent comes home every night. And Dougie is well cared for and has a support system beyond mom and dad. You and Ella? It’s different. I don’t know the full situation and I don’t have to.”
The elevator reached the top floor, dinged, and then Scola promptly hit the bottom for the parking garage. She wasn’t sure if she was happy their conversation was now on a time limit or upset at the idea of having to face the weight of her current predicament: stay with a dangerous job that she loved or else hang it up to give Ella that much more of a chance at stability.
“What I do know is that you need time,” he continued as the floors passed through the crack in the elevator doors. “Maggie, you lost a close friend and became a guardian to a traumatized child overnight. You need time to process, time to be the stability Ella needs and time to get your head on straight. Oh, and you could both use a good therapist. Someone who is a whole lot better at this stuff than I am. I can give you the card for the doc I use, if you want. She works with kids as well.”
Maggie watched him with wide eyes, her breathing picking up. She hated the idea of shrinks and yet he spoke so casually about the prospect. She knew it was archaic to stigmatize mental health but Maggie was never all that great at asking for help. Hell, she wasn’t great at accepting it either.
“Uh, sure. Yeah,” she stammered, straightening her jacket and pulling herself together again. The moment of weakness had mostly passed and it was time to put on her big girl pants again.
But Scola chuckled sadly and shook his head. “There’s no shame in therapy, Maggie. In fact, I think anyone in our line of work should see someone regularly.”
Maggie nodded quickly, “Oh yeah, I agree.”
“Hey,” he said, pulling her attention back to him and away from the rapidly decreasing numbers above the elevator door. She was now positive she was ready to end the conversation.
“If you’re going to be her guardian, then you have to do what’s right by her. Not throwing yourself into work as a distraction. Not powering through the emotions… You have to stop and show her how to process this in a healthy manner. And that means knowing when it’s time to ask for help. As for this job… well, I can’t answer that one but if you take the time and do this the right way… then the best answer for you and Ella will be much clearer.”
Maggie watched him and could see the seriousness in his eyes. She knew they had all been worried about her. Losing a friend and becoming a parent figure in an instant were both pretty major events. But she hadn’t wanted their pity or concern. She just wanted to continue on as normal at work, because home was certainly anything but normal.
But her life wasn’t normal anymore, and that included work.
She did need time. And maybe, just maybe, reaching out for help from a professional wouldn’t hurt either.
“Thanks, Scola,” she said finally as they stepped out into the parking garage. She then cleared her throat and looked down for a moment before adding, “I’ll take that card if you have it.”
He smiled warmly in response and nodded as he pulled out his wallet. She accepted the business card and was about to say goodnight when a thought popped into her head.
“If you don’t mind me asking, did you and Nina ever discuss what the other one will do if one of you dies on the job?” Maggie asked cautiously, knowing that it was probably a pretty personal question. But he was right; their situations were different, namely because there were two of them for Dougie but only one of her for Ella. But if there was only one…
He watched as he sighed before nodding. “Yeah, we made a promise to each other that if one of us dies, the other will transfer to White Collar or some other safe, boring job.”
Maggie smiled at the joke, but it didn’t last very long. His answer more or less confirmed her current thought process, even though it broke her heart.
“But we also made a promise to never make life altering decisions after near-death experiences,” he added pointedly, his eyes narrowing in her direction as a knowing smirk grew across his face.
“Fair enough,” Maggie replied, holding up her hands in mock surrender. “Goodnight, Scola.”
“Goodnight, Maggie.”
As they parted ways, Maggie reached into her pocket for her phone and smiled at the picture of Ella that popped up as her background image. The little girl had quickly become her reason: her reason to fight the bad guys but also her reason to fight to make it home every single night. And just before she reached her car, she hit send on a much-needed and admittedly overdue message:
“Hey Isobel. I think I may take some time off after all. I’ll email you the details in the morning. Thanks.”
With a smile and a welcomed sense of catharsis at finally admitting that she wasn’t exactly fine and things definitely weren’t ’business as usual’ in her world anymore, Maggie pointed her car towards home and spent the entire ride thinking of the various activities she and Ella would be doing over the next week. Maybe even two.
There would be time to save the world later. There would even be time to decide if it was best to pass the world-saving off to others.
But for now, it was time to heal and hopefully, time to make a little girl smile and feel safe for the first time in weeks.