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The sharp tapping of Beomgyu’s nails against his phone and the rumble of the engine were the only sounds echoing through the car on the way back to the dorm. Despite this, Soobin’s mind wouldn’t shut up. Thoughts flooded his brain, and he was left struggling to swim against the torrential tide of overthinking. He longed for Kai to give him a goodnight kiss.
It was all Beomgyu’s fault for bringing it up in the first place. Of course, the fans loved it. They laughed at Beomgyu’s mischievous smile as he acted out Kai’s cute mannerisms, and at Soobin’s nervous laugh. He just hoped they didn’t notice how red his face was; it wasn’t a lie when he said the suggestion made him dizzy.
Even now, away from the wild crowd at the fansign and the bright lights of the stage, his head felt too light. All he could think of was Kai’s lips pressed gently against his hand, or wet against his cheek, or even, if he wished to indulge, melting into his own.
But he could never ask for that. Even if Yeonjun always brought Kai’s hand to his lips without worry, and Kai would give that hand a kiss in return.
But Soobin knew that wasn’t serious for them. The way his heart thrashed against his chest when Kai would fit beside him was serious. It was serious, the way his face would heat up like it was ignited by a flame whenever Kai smiled at him. The way he was plaguing Soobin’s thoughts right now was serious. So serious and so distracting, in fact, that he didn’t notice when Beomgyu turned to him with a mischievous grin. His low voice popped the bubble of longing Soobin was floating in.
“What’s on your mind, hyung?” He’d stopped scrolling now, giving Soobin his full attention. Soobin would rather he didn’t. He worried that Beomgyu would be able to read the pages in his mind scrawled with his deepest thoughts. Beomgyu could always read him. Or Soobin just had an expressive face. That must be the case, because Beomgyu sniggers.
“You look constipated. Is it about what I said at the fansign?”
Soobin spluttered. Could Beomgyu read minds? He tried his best to spring clean his skull, sweeping out all thoughts of Kai and goodnight kisses. But his reaction was telling enough.
“Wow. I thought you knew I was totally joking.” Beomgyu smirked.
“I knew that!” Soobin exclaimed. “I wasn’t thinking about it.”
“Hyung, I won’t judge you if you really want Kai to give you a goodnight kiss,” Beomgyu smiled, softer this time. “Sometimes Yeonjun-hyung gives me a kiss.”
Soobin gawked. “He does?!”
“Yeah, just one on the cheek, no biggie.” Beomgyu shrugged.
Soobin narrowed his eyes. There seemed to be more to that than what Beomgyu was letting on, but he was too focused on his own woes to tease. He knew, if he did ask Kai, he’d keep wanting more. What if Kai figured out that his feelings ran much deeper than just a chaste kiss on the cheek?
“I think you’re thinking too much about this, hyung,” Beomgyu said. “Just ask him. You asked him for a kiss on that show one time, didn’t you?”
That wasn’t the same. That could easily be played off as a joke, for fanservice. In the quiet evening of the dorm, his words would lay heavy in the air. They’d linger enough for Kai to understand the sincerity veiled underneath.
“I guess,” Soobin mumbled, whilst the engine coughed out a last rumble, leaving them in silence. Soobin trailed behind Beomgyu as they stumbled into the dorm to see the other members chattering amongst themselves..
He watched as Yeonjun leaned into Kai’s space, whispering in his ear. Kai giggled at the soft brush of air against his skin, before raising Yeonjun’s hand like a prince, and gently kissing it. Taehyun laughed, but Soobin couldn’t help the ugly, green emotion that clawed at his chest. Jealousy.
“You’re really subtle, hyung,” Beomgyu nudged him. “If it bothers you that much-“
“Why would it bother me?” Soobin interrupted. They did that all the time. It wasn’t a big deal. But he found himself cowering into his room, missing how Kai’s eyes followed his retreating figure. He slid against his door, feeling much like an angsty teen at the penultimate moment of a romance film, except there would be no passionate kiss on the other side. At most it would be Beomgyu’s concerned frown, or Kai’s round, confused eyes as he asked in his sweet voice what was wrong.
Even though he tried his best to stay alone for the rest of the night, the world had other plans. The moment he wandered from his room, he heard a click from the other side of the hall, and saw Kai, lingering outside his door. The faint light shrouded him in an angelic glow, and Soobin couldn’t move. He hovered in the hall until Kai’s eyes locked with his own.
“Hyung?” Kai whispered. He moved closer. Soobin could smell the sweet scent of his perfume, like oranges coated with morning dew. Soobin studied the high bridge of his nose and the deep chocolate of his eyes. He took in the softness of Kai’s lips.
“Are you okay?” Kai asked, laughing slightly. Soobin hoped the darkness could hide the red glow in his cheeks. “You look…” Kai trailed off, pulling the skin of his lips between his teeth. Soobin looked away.
“You worried about me, Hyuka?” Soobin asked, hoping to ease some tension. But Kai continued to hover around him, like a moth drawn to a flickering flame. His lips opened, then closed. It was as if he wanted to ask something. If Soobin didn’t know any better, he’d think the shine in Kai’s eyes looked hopeful. But that caused his thoughts to work overtime, fantasising about scenarios that would remain only in fiction.
“A little,” Kai hummed. “You did run off earlier.”
“It’s been a long day,” Soobin replied. It was only a half lie. “What are you doing up, though?” Usually Kai was in bed pretty early. To see him here, basked in the moonlight, was strange.
“I just needed the bathroom,” Kai frowned. It seemed like more words were locked behind his lips, but he didn’t set them free. “So I should probably…” He pointed towards the bathroom, before shuffling towards it with an awkward half-smile. The hinges of the door whined, and Soobin could barely hear the whisper of goodnight before Kai disappeared.
Soobin didn’t wait for him to come back out. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so awkward with Kai. Their conversations were always easy; he never had to worry about what he said. They were so similar. Sometimes with others he’d still stumble or trip, but talking with Kai was like being carried by a gentle stream. But tonight it felt more like being thrown into rapids, unable to pull himself up from the merciless torrent of waves. He hated that.
Sighing, he fell into his bed, hoping that sleep would clear his mind. But no matter how hard he squeezed his eyes shut, it was like his overthinking forced them open. The whirlpools in his mind wouldn’t let him sleep. Soon, the fresh darkness of night faded into a harsh morning light, and he realised he’d barely slept at all.
When he staggered into the kitchen he saw Taehyun, who smirked at his presence.
“Seems like Kai wasn’t the only one who didn’t sleep,” Taehyun hummed.
“Kai didn’t sleep?” he asked with worry. Taehyun shook his head.
“Well he looks just as bad as you, so I could only assume,” Taehyun said. Soobin glared at him. Did he really look that bad?
Beomgyu answered his question when he waltzed into the kitchen. Upon facing Soobin he stopped and gasped.
“What happened to you, hyung?!”
“Okay, come on, you’re just exaggerating now,” Soobin muttered. But he did feel awful. His mind was still too loud, and he didn’t have enough energy to try and quieten it.
Beomgyu shuffled closer, leaning into Soobin’s space. “Were you up thinking about Kai?” he asked with a hushed voice. Soobin tried his best to appear unaffected, but his face burnt red like a flare, signalling to Beomgyu he was right.
Soobin came to the conclusion that Beomgyu really could read minds. Was there a way to guard against a mind reader? A mind VPN?
“Oh my god, you were?” Beomgyu asked, incredulous. “Shit, hyung, I didn’t think it would get to you this bad.” He seemed a little remorseful, which was sweet. It would be better if he could sedate Soobin’s mind, or if he’d never mentioned goodnight kisses at all.
Soobin didn’t even bother denying it this time. “It’s stupid,” he huffed, because it was. It wasn’t like Beomgyu had suggested anything obscene.
Beomgyu opened his mouth, ready to either comfort or run his motor, but then Kai stumbled into the kitchen, Yeonjun following close behind. Taehyun was right; sleep had abandoned Kai. Even from afar Soobin could see the purple underlining Kai’s eyes. With a yawn Kai rubbed at them, as if trying to smudge the eyebags away.
“Kai looks tired too,” Beomgyu remarked. Soobin sighed. He knew what Beomgyu was implying, and for the rest of the day it plagued him; the thought that Kai might’ve been kept awake by the same, tempting idea. In dance practice he’d catch Kai’s eyes, and within them would be a hundred words. However, there wasn’t enough time for him to read them and understand before he had to move again, and feel the searing burn in his legs. He knew his moves were off from the way he’d been the subject of hundreds of worrying glances, and from the bruise blooming on his arm from when he’d collided into Taehyun. All of his limbs ached, and all he could hear was the repeated shuffling and squealing of his shoes against the hardwood. But he danced, again and again, hoping that he could think about something else than the longing in Kai’s eyes, and how it was likely sleep deprivation cursing his mind with visions of love that weren’t there.
Even when they took a break his mind didn’t rest. It danced around the possibility with more vigour and passion than Soobin had managed to show in his body since they’d started practising, and it only became more energetic when he saw Kai and Taehyun slip into the hallway. When they returned Kai stared at him with some newfound surety, and that only made Soobin think more.
“How about we finish up for today?” Yeonjun clapped, sending an obvious look towards Soobin. He knew he was the one lagging behind, but he hated that the other members could recognise it too.
He let his head thud against the cool, silver mirror as the rest of them shuffled out the door. Hopefully, this night would be better.
Soobin was experiencing deja vu. He’d been here before, facing Kai in the heart of night where the only illumination was the soft glow of the hallway lamp. Soobin’s heart once again fluttered, and he felt his face warm with a red glow. Kai, once again, was lingering outside Soobin’s door, staring with wide, doe eyes that were framed by heavy eyelashes and a determination that was unfamiliar. Soobin, once again, was tempted to sink into Kai’s gaze, and let himself drown in the beauty of Kai’s deep eyes, the bump in his nose, the tempting rose-tint of his lips.
Instead, he swallowed down his thoughts, and hoped his voice didn’t betray them.
“This seems to be your favourite spot lately, huh?” He grinned. Kai huffed out a disbelieving laugh.
“Yeah, I love your door. How could you have such a beautiful door?” Kai deadpanned, moving closer to trace the dull lines in the wood. He was so close that Soobin wondered whether Kai could hear the frantic worrying of his heart.
“Very funny,” Soobin mumbled, but the worry was at the forefront of his mind. He wanted to know why Kai was here, standing so prettily in front of him, and playing with his heart. “You sure you’re okay, Hueningie? You look tired.”
“Gee, thanks,” Kai laughed, but it hitched, not like the usual loud, carefree laugh Soobin had grown used to. Kai fidgeted, but then seemed to make up his mind because he took Soobin’s hand within his own, and raised it to his lips. He placed a gentle, chaste kiss on the skin, and Soobin felt himself burn.
His face must’ve been a picture, because Kai was immediately backtracking, stumbling through his words.
“Well, you know last night I was thinking about what Beomgyu-hyung said, the goodnight kiss thing? How it would be nice, I guess…” he huffed out an awkward laugh. “You know, like I give Yeonjun-hyung. Just like that.”
Soobin swallowed his disappointed sigh. Of course it was like that. But he still felt the lingering burn of a kiss on his hand, so much that he wouldn’t be surprised if the imprint had stained his skin like a tattoo.
Who could blame him if he wanted to indulge, right? Even if it was nothing more than a simple peck, with no inner meaning. Even if it was the same as the humorous kisses shared between Kai and Yeonjun. Just a communal, charity kiss.
“It’s fine, Hueningie,” Soobin smiled, puckering his lips. “I don’t blame you for wanting to kiss me.”
If Kai could tell it was deflection, he didn’t say anything. He just laughed, the lively sound echoing in the small hallway, bouncing off the walls in a joyful dance.
“Yeah, sure hyung.” He puckered his lips too, and it took all of Soobin’s strength not to close the gap.
It’s just a joke. Don’t do it. Deflect.
“You should probably get to bed, Kai. You really need your beauty sleep.”
Though he was only playing around, Soobin knew he also wasn’t wrong. Just like him, Kai was sluggish all day, like something was trying to pull him down into the core of the earth. The deep bruises of sleeplessness were even more pronounced, but perhaps that was because Soobin was so unused to seeing them.
“Mean,” Kai grumbled, yet his eyes were shining with all the stars in the sky. He smiled as he twirled towards his bedroom, graceful like a figure skater, and not someone running on the thinnest thread of sleep and bubbling nervousness. “Goodnight, Soobin-hyung.”
“Night, Kai,” Soobin whispered, his voice buried under the weary creak of the bedroom door, and the shuffle of Kai’s footsteps.
When Soobin sank into his own bed, sleep welcomed him home. He couldn’t have been more thankful for it.
For a week, the evenings played out the same. When everyone else had retreated to their rooms Soobin and Kai would stand outside of their own, like Romeo and Juliet meeting on the balcony, and exchange a goodnight kiss. Usually it was a slight press of lips against a warm hand, or sometimes Kai would lean closer and connect his lips to the burning skin of Soobin’s cheek, or his forehead, and Soobin would be sure that Kai could hear his heart. Soobin would do the same for Kai, and then they’d separate with a goodbye, and Soobin would be guided to sleep by the soft feeling of plush lips and a fluttering warmth in his stomach. He wouldn’t think about the truth following him like a haunted ghost, that this was nothing more than a platonic exchange. It was unlikely that Kai fell asleep with a lovesick smile and wanting more.
Soobin couldn’t deny he was still content.
Until he was cornered by none other than the cause of it all.
“So you took my advice, huh?” Beomgyu grinned. Soobin was glad for the break in practice, because his legs felt like they were only attached by rusting screws, and one more dance move would send them flying clean off. His chest ached with fatigue, and he appreciated that Kai had offered to fetch water this time. Already he felt bliss thinking about the coolness that would soothe his throat, like taking a gasp of high mountain air.
He didn’t know if he appreciated the crescent grin stretching across Beomgyu’s face, though.
“What?” If Soobin knew anything, he knew that whatever Beomgyu said next would add a headache to the list of pains his body was experiencing.
“I guess I am a pretty good matchmaker.” Beomgyu boasted. Now Soobin was just confused.
He raised an eyebrow. “Huh?”
“The goodnight kisses?” Beomgyu continued. “I saw you last night.”
“Oh.” Soobin said dumbly. He didn’t know Beomgyu had been there. It was embarrassing, knowing Beomgyu probably saw how flustered he became just from one small kiss.
Beomgyu’s brow furrowed further with every confused look Soobin gave him.
“So, you’re like a thing now, right?”
“No?” Soobin spluttered. “It’s just a joke, like what Kai and Yeonjun-hyung do!”
“Oh my god.” Beomgyu breathed out an exasperated sigh, before sending a pleading look to Taehyun and Yeonjun, who hurried towards them like their lives depended on it. Weird.
“Let me guess, it didn’t go as you thought it would?” Taehyun smirked as he settled in next to Soobin. “I told you he wouldn’t get it.”
“Stop it!” Beomgyu whined. “He’s saying it’s just a joke! A joke!”
“Geez,” Yeonjun grimaced. “I had little faith, but…”
“I am right here.” Soobin muttered, ignoring the fact that Beomgyu had apparently been in cahoots with the other two about this. Was he invisible? He squinted at the murky practice room mirror. Nope, he was definitely there; even through the fog of handprints he could see his pissed off expression, and the bewildered ones beside him.
“Okay, then I’ll say it to your face.” Beomgyu stared at him. He was way too serious for the subject of conversation, in Soobin’s opinion. “Do you seriously think Kai thinks this whole kiss thing is a joke?”
“Um, yes? He even said it’d be like how he kisses Yeonjun?” Soobin glared. “Plus you said it was a joke in the first place!”
Beside him, Yeonjun groaned. “Seriously, Gyu?”
Beomgyu put his hands up. “In my defence, Soobin-hyung looked like he was one realisation away from exploding. I didn’t want to be clearing up blood and guts and weird eyeballs.”
“Okay, gross,” Taehyun muttered. “Look, Soobin-hyung, have you even seen Kai bother Yeonjun with those kisses this week?”
“I wouldn’t say it was a bother,” Yeonjun mumbled. “But yeah. I won’t be getting any kisses anymore, at least not from Kai. He’s loyal. I’m so proud.” He wiped away mock tears.
Then he slowly turned to Taehyun, expectant.
“No, I won’t be your platonic kiss rebound.” Taehyun responded, deadpan.
“I didn’t even ask yet!”
“Hey, what about me?” Beomgyu pouted.
“There’s a keyword of platonic in here, Beomgyu.” Yeonjun sighed.
“Oh.” Beomgyu smirked. “Yeah.”
“Huh?” Soobin was more than confused. He couldn’t follow the conversation; it was in a different language, and everytime he thought he finally understood, the language switched. The only thing he managed to catch was that apparently Beomgyu and Yeonjun were a thing, which was not a surprising revelation at all.
“Back on track, okay?” Taehyun grimaced. “Soobin-hyung, do you really not see how Kai looks at you?”
It was like Taehyun knew something he didn’t. He thought back to when they’d slipped out of dance practice a week before. Had Kai said something then?
Soobin was ready to card through his memories, to put each one under a magnifying glass so he could see in clear detail whether Kai’s face was a mirror of his. Did he really gaze at Soobin with the same adoration that Soobin had always gifted him? He’d always believed that he must’ve been falling through a daydream when he’d caught it in the past, but if even Taehyun noticed it, was it really fantasy?
But then the door swung open, and Kai stumbled into the room with a huff, arms straining under the weight of the water bottles piled by his chest. When Soobin tried to steal his gaze, Kai wouldn’t give it to him.
Soobin frowned.
“Sorry, the fountain stopped working for a bit,” Kai laughed sheepishly. “You all owe me one.”
“Of course, Kai-yah,” Beomgyu smiled. “You owe me too, you know.”
“For what?” Kai tilted his head. He still wasn’t looking at Soobin.
“Ignore him, Hyuka,” Taehyun said, sidling up to Kai and taking a bottle from his arms. Then, in true Taehyun fashion, he peered closer at Kai, analysing how his eyes glanced around like fireflies buzzing in the evening, unsure of where to go. He whispered something into Kai’s ear, and then Kai laughed nervously again.
“We should continue practising, right?” Kai babbled, moving away from Taehyun and moving even further from Soobin. A stab in the chest might’ve hurt less.
And Kai kept avoiding him. Throughout the rest of the day Soobin tried to re-tie the thread between them that had somehow come undone, but he couldn’t get close enough. When he’d reach for Kai he would just miss, brushing against the barrier. His eyes couldn’t find their way to Kai’s. He was lost, and when evening dawned, he felt the same gnawing anxiety as the week before.
“It’s probably like a drama moment,” Yeonjun suggested with a shrug as he lowered himself next to Soobin, who was wallowing on the sofa. “Maybe he overheard the wrong thing. Just clear it up tonight. Like, please. I can’t stand any more pining.”
“It’s not that obvious.” Soobin said, ignoring the look of disbelief planted on Yeonjun’s face. “Well, what about you? Since when were you and Beomgyu together?”
Yeonjun grinned. “A month, or so. See, there’s this thing called confessing and talking things out-“
“I get it.”
“Do you?” Yeonjun teased. Then his smile softened, and he squeezed Soobin’s shoulder with reassurance. “But trust me, Soobin. I was nervous too. I promise you that Kai feels the same.”
Those simple words were so sincere they granted Soobin a spark of confidence, enough that he didn’t let Kai slip away into his room along with everyone else. Instead he waited, just like Kai did, trying to sculpt his expression into one that wouldn’t betray his nervousness.
Somehow Kai wasn’t expecting him, because his eyes widened, becoming white pearls in the darkness. Soobin could hear the thoughts scrambling in Kai’s mind, but he wanted to speak first.
“Want to watch an anime?”
He wished he’d given himself a few more seconds to organise his words so he didn’t sound so awkward. But Kai laughed softly and his nervousness seemed to melt.
“Only if you let me choose,” he smiled. Soobin could only nod, his mouth drying as Kai took his hand and let himself into Soobin’s room. He was thankful for that; he didn’t like the idea of Taehyun watching him as he laid his deepest thoughts bare. Though Taehyun probably knew them already.
Soobin almost forgot Kai’s strange evasiveness earlier as he lay beside him. The buzzing of the laptop was static against Kai’s clear, soothing breaths, and the heat of the monitor was nothing compared to the warmth of the other body intertwined with his own.
Soobin wanted to say something, but what if he came across as overbearing? Kai didn’t need to pay attention to him all the time. Was it something wrong with him, that he yearned for his gaze so much? What if there was nothing wrong at all?
But then Kai interrupted the silence.
“Do you really think the kisses were a joke?” He asked. Soobin felt the world still. Yeonjun was right - Kai had heard and misunderstood. He swallowed the incredulous laugh bubbling in his throat and paused the anime, knowing this conversation would mean something.
“Is it not?” Soobin replied. Despite what the others said, he still wasn’t sure. He wanted to hear Kai say it.
Kai frowned. “Did you want it to be a joke? ‘Cause then it really is just a joke.”
Once again, he avoided Soobin’s gaze. But Soobin kept his own eyes fixed on Kai. The flickering blue light highlighted the soft bump of his nose and his lips, soft and pink like the blush that dusted his cheeks. He followed the dark waves of Kai’s hair brushing the nape of his neck and framing his eyes, and without thought, reached out to feel the strands between his fingers. Kai’s breath hitched, but Soobin was trapped in his beauty, like an sculptor enamoured by the intricacies of a white marble statue. His hand moved down to cup Kai’s jaw, and when he found Kai’s eyes again, the last thinning thread of self restraint snapped. He leaned forward just as Kai did, and crashed their lips together.
There weren’t any fireworks, or overwhelming revelations. Just a sense of calm and belonging, like returning home after a long, weary day. He let himself sink further into Kai’s embrace, carding through his hair as Kai looped his arms around Soobin’s shoulders, tugging him even closer until there was not a breath of air between them. The kiss deepened, and when Soobin nipped at Kai’s lips, he was rewarded with a slight whine. Soobin wanted to hear more of that. But he was burning, and he worried one more noise would cause his brain to short circuit. Then he’d never stop slipping his lips against Kai’s and indulging in the melodies of his noises, and he still had words he wanted to say. So he pulled away, and swallowed hard at the way Kai looked up at him. It was overwhelming, to be looked at with such adoration. He didn’t know what to do with himself.
“So… not a joke?” Kai broke the ice, grinning wildly. His hair was a mess and his lips were glossy, and Soobin had never seen someone so beautiful.
“I never wanted it to be,” Soobin mumbled. The words were lodged in his throat, but he was determined to get them out, to let Kai hear them. “I really like you, Kai. Like, a lot. More than a friend.”
God, he sounded so awkward. Yet, Kai looked so endeared.
“I’d kind of hope you don’t go around kissing your friends like that,” Kai laughed. “But I like you too, hyung. Obviously. I’m surprised you didn’t notice.”
Soobin chuckled. “Yeah, the others said the same.” Clearly he was the oblivious one after all. He could picture the teasing already.
“So?” Kai smiled, looking up at him.
“So…?” Soobin pursed his lips.
“How were you voted the most romantic?” Kai teased, before intertwining their fingers. “Aren’t you going to ask me something?”
“Oh!” Soobin smirked. “You really want me to ask you to be my boyfriend? Very subtle, Hueningie.”
Boyfriend. Soobin felt light at the thought.
“Hey! I’m always subtle.” Kai frowned. “I could totally say no.”
“Ah, you wouldn’t. You love me too much.”
Love. Hadn’t they just been saying like? Soobin had taken the extra step over the line. But the word like wasn't strong enough to hold all of the feelings he had for Kai. He wasn’t even sure if love was enough, but it was the word that was closest.
Kai didn’t seem phased. He just continued to stare into Soobin’s eyes, as if committing every small reflection of light and colour within them to his memory. “Yeah. I guess I do.”
“Are you trying to be the most romantic one now, huh?” Soobin teased, before pulling Kai down beside him, caging him in further by locking their legs together. Kai squealed with bubbly giggles, and Soobin knew there was no other place he’d want to be. He’d really have to thank the other members tomorrow. They’d probably make him buy them snacks, but it was worth it to see the smile on Kai’s face, as bright and warm as the sun breaking through the winter and gifting spring.
Then Kai yawned, and the time flashed on the laptop. Soobin groaned at the realisation that even if they slept now, a tired day was ahead of them.
It was worth it, though.
“Let me sleep here tonight, hyung?” Kai asked, his eyelids already drooping as he shuffled closer. Soobin was never going to say no.
“Okay,” he smiled, before leaning down to give Kai a sweet kiss on the forehead. The tradition still stayed. “Goodnight, Kai.”
“Goodnight, Soobin-hyung,” Kai mumbled, before his breathing evened, and he fell into the depths of slumber. Soobin, too, fell back, the pillow soft against his head, but not as soft as Kai’s hand around his own.