Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kai’s dimly lit room seemed fitting given his current emotional state. Or lack thereof. Or… whatever weird in between this was.

Kai was never a really emotional person. Well, it was more accurate in saying that he felt things, but he didn’t know what he felt most of the time. But, this time Kai could definitively state that it wasn’t his fault he didn’t know what he was feeling or even how to feel. Yeah, Kai didn’t know how to feel. About anything that happened today. And a whole lot of shit had happened. 

He got his parents back, but it hadn’t been all unicorns and rainbows. They were working with the enemy! It wasn’t their fault, but still… that was definitely not what he was expecting. It was like a cruel irony that the universe had thrown his way. He and Nya had been abandoned and become ninja while their parents were captured by villains and they never knew . 

He was mad at his parents for leaving him and Nya, yeah. But now he knew they had a reason… and he knew they didn’t want to leave them. He was glad to know that, and to have them back, but at the same time? He felt like he didn’t know his mom and dad - FSM, that felt so weird to say - anymore. They hadn’t been there for most of his childhood and most of his memories as a little kid were fading away. All that was left of them was a vague feeling of joy and safety. Now that he had his parents back, that feeling wasn’t resurfacing. It was replaced by this slight, growing feeling that maybe this wasn’t meant to happen.

He felt like he could have his childhood back - and frankly, it felt like the universe wanted him to have his childhood back - but he couldn’t anymore. He was used to being the older brother and the protector. The one who took the risks and the one who saved the day. Sure, the others took care of him, obviously, but it wasn’t the same as having parents… They were just looking out for each other. In a way, it was like having siblings, he knew that. But a childhood? He never dared to hope for one after he realized his parents were gone for good, and now that they were back, he just couldn’t start hoping again. And it scared him.

He had pushed away his parents so much now… what if he never stopped? What if he was never able to? Kai shook his head from the spiraling thoughts, and realized that it was these times that he wished he’d just had a regular childhood . But that was too much to hope for in their line of work, wasn’t it?

The door to his room creaked open, and he startled, his thoughts snapping out of the spiral. He could hear really quiet, tentative footsteps, and as much as he hoped it was his sister, he knew it wasn’t. She was, after all, thrilled at meeting their parents again and spent every moment with them, following them around like a little duckling. Like he should be. But it made him a bit jealous. Jealous of her, for being able to do what he couldn’t but so desperately wanted to, and of their parents for having her follow them around and idolize them like she used to do him. But both were in vain. Their parents were here, and they were here to stay. Not like he would want it any other way. He shouldn’t want it any other way.

He turned around to see who the person was, harboring a last hope that it was Nya - or even Lloyd - and desperately hoping it wasn’t his parents. Instead, Jay stood there, blue eyes turned towards the floor, weight shifting from one foot to another as he fiddled with the trim of his tee shirt.

“Jay? Do you -” His voice was hoarse and he cringed as it cracked. He wiped hastily at his face to stop the tears from his spiraling mind and cleared his throat. Jay didn’t notice, or, at least, didn’t show that he did. “Do you need anything?” Jay’s face looked up at him, and he smiled softly.

“Hey… I just… Just wanted to see if you were doing okay,” he said, stuttering, and his voice pitched up at the final words, turning the statement into almost a sort of a question. He stepped a bit closer, and his eyes softened from a sort of nervousness to one of concern. “Are you okay?” Yeah this one was definitely a question. One that he didn’t know how to answer.

“I… uh…” Kai shook his head and looked down, breaking eye contact. “I don’t know,” and the words came much too quiet, barely a whisper with the gravity of all of the emotion it held. “They’re here, but it doesn’t feel… like…” Kai finished his sentence, eyes closed as if that would make the bitter reality go away. “It doesn’t feel like I’ll ever really accept that… or something.” As he looked back at Jay, sparkling blue eyes and a contagious laugh that was deeply reminiscent of his parents, something weird burned in the bottom of his heart. Something he hadn’t felt in a long time, especially towards his friends.

Nevertheless, the jealousy almost took a form and the tension became thick in the room, as Kai stared at Jay, almost apprehensively. Jay cocked an eyebrow, and, for some reason, the demon roared at him to get mad at Jay. After all, Jay had never had family problems, it whispered into his ears. Jay’s the most well off one out of all of you. Unbidden by him, the jealousy spoke for him.

“Why would you be here of all people?” Kai spoke, and the visible wince his friend gave made a part of him try to stop it. But he continued, perhaps a bit more angrily. “What do you know about any of this? How it feels like to be- to be left alone and abandoned ?” When he whispered that last word, his voice almost a snarl, he immediately knew he’d done something wrong. A whimper came from Jay, but then his face dropped into a stone cold facade, but the eyes were always the window to the soul. And right now, Jay’s eyes seemed downright terrified and betrayed. Kai’s eyes widened at the look on his brother’s face who, despite looking unperturbed, seemed to shrink under his gaze. He wanted to bite his tongue immediately, but then Jay spoke.

“Okay, Kai,” he said in a shaky, breathy voice, his voice still devoid of emotion. It was such a deep contrast that scared Kai more than if Jay’d been crying or something of the sort. Kai took a deep breath and started to apologize.

“Jay, I’m sorry. You know I didn’t-”

“Okay,” Jay repeated once again, his voice less shaky, and his facade not slipping once.

That is, until his eyes filled with tears and he turned and ran. Kai stood there, frozen in place, with grim realization of the hurt he’d caused to his brother. He’d never forgive himself for this . With a resolute mind to fix what he’d done, he walked to his door as he ran through his head for where Jay’d be. 

Chapter Text

After going into Jay’s room and Nya’s, and the living room, desperately trying to avoid his parents, he rushed outside on a whim. 

It was night, he realized, as the cold air hit his face. He scanned the courtyard, and his heart clenched in fear as he saw Jay sitting on top of the wall, his feet literally dangling thousands of feet over the side of a mountain. He approached Jay cautiously, not wanting to scare him, but Jay spoke before he could say anything.

“You know I can hear your footsteps, right, Kai?”

“How’d you know it was me?” Kai asked, without thinking. Jay shrugged his shoulders.

“Lucky guess.” Kai racked his mind on how to apologize or do whatever he was going to do. He hadn’t exactly planned this out. He wasn’t the most tactful one out of them - that went to Cole - which was exactly why they were in this situation in the first place. Jay spoke before he could, though. “It’s fine,” he mumbled.

“What?” Kai said, taken by surprise. He hadn’t even apologized. “But I - I shouldn’t have said that, Jay. I’m-” Jay cut him off again, a bit louder this time.

“It’s fine, I said,” Jay said. Kai stepped closer and scaled the wall with practiced ease, assuming a comfortable position beside Jay. “You wouldn’t know, anyway,” he mumbled under his breath, but Kai caught it.

“Know what?” he wondered out loud, and then cringed. He’d already hurt Jay enough. He didn’t want Jay to feel uncomfortable on top of that. “I mean, if you want to tell me.” Jay nodded his head, and began in a pained voice.

“Yeah… it’s about time I told someone other than Nya, anyway.” Kai cocked his eyebrow, and Jay chuckled lightly, and shook his head. “She was just there.” Then, his face grew serious again and he spoke. “You know how your parents’ elements were fire and water? And how you and Nya inherited those powers?” 

Kai’s heart clenched at the mention of his parents, and he didn’t see where this was headed, but he nodded.

“Well, my parents… they weren’t ninja, Kai. They never talked about any heroic exploits, and, yeah, it crossed my mind that maybe the power skipped a generation. But then I read a bit of Ninjago’s history and realized that all of the elementals of creation had to have been present at the Serpentine War, which was exactly forty years ago. And, guess what? My parents were in their teens forty years ago. So one of them should’ve been the elemental master of lightning. But they weren’t. So I just brushed it off as weird.”

As Jay had rambled, his breath caught at the last word. Kai looked over at Jay, and his eyebrows knit together, when he saw that his face was wet. Kai put a tentative hand on his shoulder, and Jay took a momentary pause to hastily wipe away the tears, then continued. “But I shouldn’t have… because my suspicions were confirmed. By…” Jay stopped at this, and seemed to change what he was previously going to say. Kai found this more than a little weird, but let Jay talk. “By an inheritance letter. That said my Dad was - was dead . So I panicked, and I went to check on them, all the while noticing that the inheritance was much more than any of us could hope to have. But then… Kai, they told me I was… That I was adopted.” 

His voice came out in little choked sobs, and Kai wrapped his arms around the other one and just held him as he cried. Kai’s thoughts were spinning, now, and his eyes widened, when the realization dawned on him. He’d said that Jay didn’t know how it felt like to be abandoned. But he did . He knew the feeling as much as Kai or Nya did. Kai’s face pinched with guilt as he looked at his brother’s distraught face. His normally vibrant, almost sparking, blue eyes were filled with tears and sorrow, which dulled them. The sight made his heart break, but all he was able to do was hold him as he cried. Jay, in between his hiccups and tears, managed to get out a few words.

“I researched who the letter was from  - Cliff Gordon - and it turns out, I heard at some obscure fan forum, that he was married to the previous master of lightning. Liberty Gorden.” Jay took a deep breath, but continued, the tears freely flowing now. “Kai, they had everything. They were rich . So it wasn’t that they had to put me up for adoption. Kai, they abandoned me. They - my birth parents - they hated me so much they got rid of me.” Kai’s eyes widened, and he turned around to face Jay, with fierce love.

“Jay… never say that again in front of me. Nobody. And, I repeat, nobody , would ever hate someone like you. Like… look at you. You’re literally the smartest person I’ve ever met and you can do all these cool things. And Ed and Edna chose you and they kept you and they’re the nicest people ever and we love you Jay. Nobody would ever abandon you.” Kai was stopped in his rant by a shocked look on Jay’s face. The face melted into a smile, the boy in blue wrapped his arms around the one in red and buried his face into the latter’s chest. They sat there like that, for a few moments, and, when they pulled apart, both were smiling.

“Now, tell me, Kai, what were you crying about in your room?” Kai’s eyes widened at Jay’s statement.

“I was not crying.” Kai said incredulously, trying to evade the question, but in vain. Jay cocked his eyebrow. Kai sighed, and then he started talking to Jay, the last person he’d possibly have thought he’d confess his true feelings about the day to, but something about their talk just… opened his heart a bit. 

“They’re back…” Jay’s expression told him he knew who he was talking about. “But I can’t bring myself to- to actually believe that they’re back. It’s like they’re not. But I know they are. And I’m scared I’ll keep doing this - pushing them away - forever .” Jay took his clenched hand - he didn’t realize he was clenching it - and held it, rubbing circles on the back of his hand until the tension slipped out of Kai. The usually fiery passionate boy felt his shoulders slump. “I’m scared, Jay. I don’t know what to do. I know it wasn’t their fault, obviously, but I just wish I’d had a regular childhood. Even now that they’re back… it’s way too late. I- I think I’d already given up the hope for one when I started taking care of Nya.” Kai looked at Jay for a sign of acknowledgement. Jay had his eyes turned up to the moon, deep in thought.

“I guess that explains it,” Jay said softly. Kai stared at him in confusion. Jay looked at him, his eyes showing nothing but fondness. “You always do whatever you can to protect us, Kai. First it was Nya, but you see yourself as our brother, too. It’s never too late, Kai. Did you ever think it was too late for Lloyd when he got aged up by that potion? Or for Zane ‘cause he lost his memories?” Kai shook his head incredulously, and stared at Jay, who had a pointed look in his eyes. “Exactly. And just ‘cause you want to protect us all the time doesn’t mean you can’t take some time off, too. And I’m worried about you. Especially your recklessness and just… take it easy, okay? We care about you, too. We want you to be safe.”

For the second time tonight, the blue boy wrapped his arms around the red one. Kai melted into the hug, what Jay had said still on his mind. He supposed he had been really protective, huh?

But it was for a good cause! As if Jay knew what he was thinking - or maybe he just said it out loud - he spoke again, voice muffled as his face was buried into Kai.

“We can protect ourselves, Kai. We need to protect you, and you need to protect yourself too, sometimes.”

Kai digested this slowly. He wasn’t the only one who had wanted to protect others. He knew that, obviously. But the more he thought about it, the more he remembered nights in hospital rooms, the days in recovery with the concerned glances of the others, and the hushed, worried whispers following him in the days after. Yeah, he knew the others wanted to protect him, and he knew they could protect themselves, but he didn’t really… honor that. So, maybe, just maybe, he could step back once in a while and trust that his family wouldn’t get hurt.

But, rest assured, he would always be watching over them, because his role is the protector, after all. The older brother. That’s his job. And he loves his family.