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The bathroom seemed bigger then he remembered, felt weird like this, even wrong, but atleast the water was hot, a little distraction.
It was sad and ironic that this was happening to them, specially after everything they went trought in the last few years. His anxiety spyking up by the mere thought, he did'nt want to think about it but could'nt stop. Feeling overwhelmed, trying to look around and get distracted by the surroundings, but it was just a reminder of the good moments.
Memorys of the proposal, the marriage and even choosing the wallcovering of the bathroom was coming back, remembering the other man saying, that they should choose the white one with squares of different sizes "And we place some nice lighting to make shades and it will look like some of them are coming out of the wall..." (Im getting crazy) he thought, and laughed. He was right, it did look like that, now looking at the walls.
But even with that knowledge, reality was just there... around... reminding that, once more he was alone in the shower. Atleast the water was warm against the freezing fear that was living in his chest for over a year now. He remebered how it got there... That long black hair falling over the edge of the bed, the sheets and clothes on the floor, the heavy breaths and moans, and the face of that man... the one he invited to his house, (no, THEIR house), the one that was always friendly and eager to help with anything. He should have know, but how?
The cold only grew bigger when he remembered his best friend's smile...so bright... he didn't deserved that. Xie Lian was a good person and did not deserved to receive this.
Thinking of his gege was enough to make him feel better, it was enough to put a smile in his face.
Remembering of going to school together, going to partys to just stay in the corner with the food because they both hated socializing. Xie Lian and Feng xing started to date and made a little party to celebrate, few were invited, it was a surprise to no one, they knew each other since little kids, never leaving the others side. (If only Lian knew. How am i suposed to tell him that?) And in that boring gathering, thats when they met, it was easy to fall in love at the time, but now, it was hard to even think of his name, it felt foreigner, strange, distant. So it seems the good feeling didn't last long, as usual. He started to miss the times where things were easier to the point of growing jealous of his past self, he was so happy back them, it felt like seeing someone elses life trought a photography album, it felt so distant.
Tired of all of this, he turned the shower off. He could be dressed up already but decided to make an attempt, wrapping his body in the towel he oppened the door and step in their still (and yet) shared room. He waited standing there, the shame and guilt growing stronger at each second. Hopping to feel the other mans gaze upon him the same way it did many times before when he got out of the sower just like this. But there was nothing.
The said man was too busy sitting in their still (and yet) shared bed reading his favorite book. Not even a glance.
And it hurted. It hurted so much that he walked to their (yet) shared closet dried himself and dressed whatever that would hide his whole body. He had to stop doing this, but the hope was still there. However, it was deplorable and almost laughable how he tried so hard to look good to have those eyes and hands carising his body, only to feel rejected, it made his skin crawl with shame. (Too late, you couldn't hold him with your personality, couldn't hold him with your body, couldn't hold him with your money. Just stop.) He said that to himself every day. It never worked.
At this moment it was almost impossible to make him feel worse. Almost. And almost did happened.
As a joke of the universe or a prank of some sort of mocking spirit his gaze fell on the letter that arived to him this morning and he just left in the closet's counter. It was from one of the friends he made years ago while acting. Shi Qing Xuan is curently in Brasil, he likes to travel and for this reason we don't see each other that much. So it became an habit of ours to trade letters, really extravagant as we both are. He opened the envelope and took the letter.
Hi dear,
Brasil is amazing you should have come with me, next time i'll drag you by the hair if needed. And tell that snake you call husbad that he is not invited.
Well where to start, everything is pretty here, the places, animals, people and what to say about the food, the word amazing is not good enough to come even close to discribe the magnificence, the work of art that the desserts are, brigadeiro is a dream come true, a blessing from the angels and gods above but if you eat to much you might fall to hell with how you're gonna weight.
HAHAHAHHAHAHAH SEE WHAT I DID THERE AHHAHAHAHAHHA (Hua Cheng, you are suposed to laugh here) - he didn't.
Anyways, i hope we get to see each other in person soon. I can sense that you miss me so much, so i decide to send you a photo ( is in the envelope, saying in case you haven't seen it) - he hadn't.
The photo was Shi Qing Xuan and Cristo Redentor both with their arms wide open and in the corner was written
Ps: This is the amount that i love you :)
Ps2: Tell Mu Qing that i will continue to call him names until he learns to be nice."
That actually made him smile, but of course it would never last long as he heard someone moving behind him.
He looked behind, their eyes met and the other man stopped and for the first time in the day they spoke to each other.
"Are you going to bed now? What is that in your hands?" He talked in a calm and colected voice.
"Yes and this is Shi Qing Xuan being extra again, do you want to see it?" This was better than he expected.
"Ah no, i'm not that curious like someone else" That look on his face, the venom in those words.
"Mu Qing, this is the SECOND time, this is my house and my bed, how would i know that you and Feng Xin were so *busy* in there." The sadness was turning into anger, he didn't wanted to argue but that was too much. "I forgave you already, again, but this will be the last time." His voice was betraying him.
They kept staring at each other for what felt too long. "I heard that before" and it was there again, the mocking.
"Im tired." Weak, Hua Cheng turned his back to his yet husband and decided to put the photo and letter back in the colorfull envelope and put it away with his things while Mu Qing changed to go to bed.
After both got ready they laid down in their yet shared bed with their backs to each other and every single tought he had, hitted him, it wasn't pleasing but it was a reminder of the failure of a husband that he was.