Work Text:
The moon was full tonight. Ash couldn't take his gaze off of it.
Somewhere nearby, Peeks had to be looking at it, too. Korrina and Clemont, as well.
They could all be watching it at once, miles apart. They could also be looking at it, all in the same place. But, every time he tried to muster the words to say so, they got caught in his throat. Ugly little truths he wanted to spit out were dragged down in a torrent of shame and guilt.
Bonnie was asleep, nearby, in Serena's lap. Lucario sat on a nearby boulder, looking to be lost in thought. Ash and Serena's Pokémon, minus the former's starter, were all huddled up nearby.
Butterfree sat next to Ash, allowing him to absently pet his head. He always liked staring at the moon, Peeks had told him. He probably had no clue what was bothering Ash, but he seemed to sense his unease, and knew that Ash found the soft texture of his head fuzz comforting.
Was there even any sense of finding them all, in the middle of the night? Was it safe?
Would anyone forgive him, if he even admitted that they could?
"You look like you're lost in thought," Serena choked out. He could feel the unease in her voice.
He looked over to the honey blonde. Her fingertips absently played with Bonnie's hair clip. It reminded him of himself and Butterfree. Thoughtful concern was etched onto her features.
"I'm just looking at the moon." Ash shrugged. Lying to her face, again.
"I hope you don't think I'm that naive." Serena's face scrunched up in annoyance. Her pride won out over whatever hesitation she'd held.
Ash snorted, and looked off. "Am I that easy to read?"
"Not really," Serena said, surprising him. "I can't figure out what's on your mind. I'm not a psychic!"
Ash flinched.
"I just… have a habit of looking at the moon, too. When I'm unsure of things." There was a brief silence before she continued. "I… recognized the look in your eyes. I also figured it wasn't entirely fair that you were dealing with it on your own."
Reflexively, Ash laughed a bitter laugh.
"I don't see what's so funny." Serena's cheek puffed out. Ash realized he was being rather rude.
"Honestly," he started, looking about. Bonnie was dead asleep. "...I probably deserve it."
Serena's annoyance dried up immediately. Concern and confusion trembled in her hues. "What would make you say something like that?"
Ash inhaled, and exhaled heavily. Lying to Serena wasn't particularly easy. He'd already confided in her more than once, in the month or so they'd been traveling together.
"What if I told you… that I had a way that we could find everyone? Like, right now?" No. He was still lying. "What if I told you I could've done it hours ago?"
He turned his gaze back on the moon to avoid meeting Serena's gaze. He heard Lucario's inquisitive growl. He felt a rumble of frustration from the Aura Pokémon, no matter how hard he tried to shut it out. He wanted it out. It was more than he needed to know.
The quiet chirp of Kricketot was the only thing that filled the air, for what felt like a minute.
"I… don't understand," Serena choked out. "If you do, why wouldn't you?"
Why wouldn't he help his friends, she had to be wondering? Why, when he'd jumped to their aid so many times before, in the past couple of weeks? Why was he willfully helpless, now?
It was terribly complicated, and terribly simple, all at once.
"I can use Aura," he decided to say.
He heard the rustling of Lucario jumping into the grass, off of his perch. He felt his confusion surge through him, like a rattling in his head he wanted to be rid of.
"Like… the Aura that Lucario use?" Serena asked hesitantly. "How is that possible?"
Ash shrugged. He exactly wasn't dying to explain it, but the least he could do was answer what was pertinent, now. "I could sense everyone's Aura, if I wanted. With a little bit of searching, I could find everyone and lead everyone to them. But, I just… For the past while… It's been painful. Painful to use. Painful to know I even have it. It's told me things I don't want to know."
Butterfree's inquisitive, concerned chitter hit his ears. The butterfly tilted his head, staring at his trainer. From their previous adventure, he seemed to have an inkling of where this came from. He obviously didn't realize how deeply it'd affected his trainer. He leaned his weight into Ash's side.
He wondered how his Pokémon could still sympathize with him, but he didn't turn down the comfort, and wrapped his arm around Butterfree. "It's made me feel helpless," he admitted, no more loudly than a whisper. "Helpless to search for my friends, because I'm scared."
Serena's face twisted in… probably pity, Ash figured. He didn't deserve it in this case, but he quietly preferred it to her hating him for it. "What could have happened that made you feel this way, Ash? What happened before we ran into you?"
We, of course, included Clemont, Bonnie, Korrina, and their Pokémon.
This problem was tragically recent.
"Aura lets you connect to people," Ash explained. "It lets you share your hearts with them. It's how I talk to Peeks all the time. That bond, if you have it, makes you one." His hand that'd been caressing Butterfree pulled away. Did he take their silence personally?
"During our last journey though, we had a friend… A friend whose voice I could never hear. I wondered if it was something I was doing wrong. If, maybe we just hadn't gotten close enough. But, it turns out…" Ash bit his lip. His hand tightened into a trembling fist.
Serena's eyes lingered on that hand. His pain, to her, was plain as day, probably.
"...He was backstabbing us. The entire time we knew him, he was sent to watch us — watch me — by someone else!" Bonnie had started to stir, so he hushed his voice. "Someone looking to hurt me. It all made sense, after that… I never had his trust, and he shouldn't'a had mine."
The following words hung thickly in Ash's throat. Ash spat them out like venom.
"Our friendship was based on a lie."
"That's… Ash, I had no idea." Serena looked, in a word, horrified. She almost got up from where she sat, but the weight of the sleeping child in her lap made her think twice about it. It let her consider her words. "To have an ever-present fingertip on the pulse of your friendships…" Her fists bunched up her scarlet skirt, to the point of whitening knuckles. "I can't imagine many things that could make one more insecure."
Those powers had many implications. They had more that she was only just considering, denoted with widening eyes. "Then… I suppose it's a bit personal to ask, but have you…"
"I haven't checked in on you guys," Ash answered her question preemptively. "It… doesn't feel right." What right did he have to even know? "And, I'm kinda afraid of what I'll find. I'd rather just do things the old-fashioned way. Make friends the way everybody else does."
Serena breathed a heavy sigh of relief, and the tension in her posture seemed to ease. Did she not want him checking on her feelings? Did Serena have secrets of her own?
Ash didn't want to think so, but he shrugged the thought off. He had no right to know, anyway.
He didn't want to.
"You're not everyone else though," Serena reminded him of an ever-present, ever pervasive truth that crept into his life time and again, like a stubborn Grimer creeping their way out of the nearest gutter. "There's nothing wrong with getting to know others organically… But, you're not someone who can only do that. You're you. And, I have to imagine that's impossible to ignore."
Ash snorted. "You don't know the half of it."
"That may be true. But, I still don't think it's good for you to hold back, out of fear that your friends could hurt you. That's simply not fair!"
"Yeah," Ash agreed. "It usually isn't."
Serena's lips stretched into a thin line. She looked like she didn't know what to say.
"You don't have to have an answer to that y'know," Ash supplied. "You didn't sign up for this."
"Maybe I didn't sign up for this, specifically," Serena replied. "But, I did sign up to be your friend."
Ash, to his own surprise, smiled. He had no bitter counter to that. "Thanks, Serena."
"Naturally!" She chirped, chipper. "...You know. I feel like I've learned a lot about you. I've always seen you as so strong. So perseverant, beyond anything that can challenge you."
Ash laughed. "I must look like a joke to you, now."
"Not at all," she shook her head fervently. "If I can be honest… I see you as so much stronger, now."
Ash's gaze raised to meet her. Wide-eyed and vulnerable. He didn't understand.
"To go on making friends, when your heart is locked away like that…" She gripped at the fabric of her top, over her own chest. "You should be able to open it back up. To trust the people and Pokémon around you."
"I think I'd really like to start again," Ash replied. "At the very least, with my Pokémon. I miss hearing their voices, the way I did before." He reached over to gently stroke Butterfree. "It makes me feel like a lackluster trainer. To block them out, just 'cause I'm scared."
Butterfree chittered in protest, hopping into his lap with pointed intent. Ash smiled, and embraced him.
"I think that starting there is a great idea," Serena said with a smile. She looked off, towards the moon, just as Ash had. "To be one with your Pokémon… It sounds like a beautiful thing."
"I want to… No, I will." Ash tightened a sure hand into a fist. The spark of resolve that'd been dull in his eyes for a short while was glimmering in his dark brown eyes, again. "Hey. Thanks, Serena." He smiled fondly. "I think talking to you really helped a lot."
Serena's cheek dusted with red, under the pale moonlight. She nursed a look of surprise before shaking it off, beaming in return. "N'en pense rien. I'm glad I could be of service!"
Ash smiled too, and looked up to the moon, once again, with a different frame of mind.
Meanwhile, Lucario had been following the conversation, declining to comment. Growling lowly, he considered his struggles with Korrina. To trust each other, and become one…
It sounded all too familiar to what Gurkin had instructed. And, from an old stiff, it never made much sense to him, as much as he respected him. Of course he and Korrina were one. How could they not be?
'To know that someone so close to you could hurt you…' Lucario grumbled, and stared down at his Mega Band that contained his precious Lucarionite. 'Could I be doing that to Korrina…?'
From now on, he would surely not take that for granted.
Unbeknownst to Ash, Serena, or Korrina, another listener lingered nearby. Behind the boulder Ash sat upon, Froakie leaned up against its surface with his arms crossed. "Froa…"
He'd never heard his trainer express such vulnerability. He didn't think him capable of it. But, with a vile backstabber of that sort, it was hard to blame him for it. If that pain was an obstacle between him and his Pokémon; between him and peace of mind…
Froakie's eyes narrowed. He would have to rise to the occasion.