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Night had fallen over Kalos. After another day of trekking through the wilderness, Ash, Serena, and Bonnie had stomped to camp out for the night. En route for Lumiose City, where Ash would finally get to fulfill his promise to Clemont. He'd earned four Gym Badges, and he planned to make Clemont's his fifth; to finish the battle they'd started the day he arrived in Kalos.
Bonnie had been put to bed; exhausted, after a full day of walking, and excitedly spectating Ash while he trained his team. Ash, on the other hand… He just couldn't sleep. The anticipation of the upcoming rumble kept his blood pumping, and his imagination racing.
Tossing and turning, he did his best to count Mareep. He couldn't talk to Pikachu, since his electric companion had dozed off just fine. He even resorted to reading the latest trainer gossip on his Pokédex's internet function, until the screen's blue glare reminded him of something Brock had scolded him about many a time; that using the internet or television right before bed only kept you up longer.
He let out a frustrated huff. The young man had a feeling he wouldn't be dozing for quite a bit. Maybe it was only then, when he'd resigned to that fact, that Ash realized he wasn't alone; the orange glow of the campfire permeated through his tent.
Serena had promised to put it out, before she'd turned in. Either she'd been uncharacteristically forgetful, or…
Teetering somewhere between concerned and curious, Ash unzipped the front flap to his tent, and peered out of his shelter. Was something amiss . . . ?
At first, after settling in for the night, nothing had been wrong. How could anything be? Serena was free and traveling all over Kalos with her best friends. She was finally starting to figure… 'stuff' out, for better or for worse.
She was performing, for crying out loud! And she was doing… well, not… not as well as she'd like. A loss was never easy, especially not the first. She'd be lying if she said that it wasn't a little taxing.
Thankfully, there was nobody in the whole world to ask her about it right now. Ash and Bonnie were sleeping. Clemont was off in Lumiose. She could just be along with her thoughts.
Her… thoughts.
Criss-cross in front of the fire, she watched the oranges and reds and yellows dance for her, only her. She was alone now, and that left her to dwell. Dwelling was never good.
Dwelling turned into spiraling and spiraling turned into… something else. Mania? Mania. Who didn't experience just a little bit of mania when under way too much stress!
Head in her hands and fingers tangled in her hair, she groaned. Her nerves were totally fried.
…Why was this all so hard? Why was this all so scary?
Why didn't she feel pretty enough to be on stage? Why did she feel like everybody just knew? Why did she feel her throat getting so tight?
Whydidshefeelsobadinherownskin?
Ah! She couldn't do this, right now! She needed to sleep! The group needed to be up and moving early! It was too late for this!
…Wait, why did she feel like somebody was watching…
"Ash!"
She heard the slow, slinking whine of his tent's zipper come down. At least she couldn't add paranoia to that list, just yet!
"...You can't sleep, either?" Maybe he wouldn't notice her terribly-frayed hair, or her heavy breathing. Yeah, maybe.
For Ash's part, when he'd peeked out of that tent and saw Serena, he'd expected that same restlessness that kept him awake and antsy. Just a bit of extra energy, perhaps.
But, her trembling and muttering told a different story.
"Serena…" Ash's nose scrunched, and his dark brows furrowed in concern and confusion. She'd seemed fine when they'd all headed to bed. Or, had he just been totally oblivious?
…It wouldn't be the first time.
"...Yeah. Too excited for that Gym Battle. My heart's still racing, honestly!" He tried to inject the slightest bit of levity, and slipped out of the tent to take a seat by Serena in front of the campfire. Now, he could get a better look at her. Her hair was a mess, and her eyes were glassy.
"What's with you? Is something bothering you?" It was a stupid question. Obviously, there was. But Ash was emotionally mature enough to give her an easy out, believe it or not. She didn't have to talk if she didn't feel like it.
Panic was really the only word to describe what she was feeling. Not that she'd EVER admit to it — he'd have to drag it out of her. If he knew for certain, the next question was why; it always was; and she didn't have it in her to answer that one. Not tonight. Not now. Not when she felt like… this.
It would just make everything worse.
Brushing his concern off with a very forced chuckle, Serena nodded. Tomorrow was a big day for Ash, so of course restlessness was abound. It was, frankly, the perfect deflection target.
"You're gonna do great, but I don't think you need me to tell you that!"
She turned away from him. What an awkward and strained way to say that. Sitting next to him, in front of the fire, she felt exposed. She felt like he knew, like he knew even though she hadn't even ever thought about telling him, she felt like everybody knew.
"...Am I really that ob-vious? Er— about being… not okay, I mean."
Ash's smile, likewise, was also forced. Serena was about as transparent as it got, when it came to masking unhappiness or stress. It was . . . ̶c̶u̶t̶e̶.
. . . Endearing.
"Thanks. I'm not really worried, though. Just excited!"
Unfortunately, Ash wasn't so easily deterred. He hadn't forgotten what he'd just asked. Scatterbrained as he often appeared to be, he was surprisingly sharp. Though, he was lost on her quick course-correction. What else could she have been obvious about?
"A little," he admitted, to answer her properly. "But, don't pin it all on yourself. I've traveled with a lot of people, who all had their own problems." He smiled softly, shifting towards Serena. He wanted her to know that she wasn't alone. "You learn to pick up when they're trying to hide it."
As Ash shifted closer, Serena shifted away from him. For as much as she liked to soak up the spotlight, at this moment, she felt smaller than a Joltik. She wanted to hide.
"Mom always said that I wear my emotions on my sleeves."
That didn't stop her from reaching out to place her hand on top of his, though. Not wanting to feel alone while very much wanting to feel alone — what a conflict of interest.
Ash stared down at their hands, eyes widening. But, he shook any odd thoughts about it off. Serena clearly needed companionship and an ear, right now. He'd shut up and listen.
"I like being on stage," she continued. "I like being under the spotlight. I like the attention. I love the thrill. I've never felt closer to my Pokémon than being up there. It feels right, but…"
But.
There was always a but, and this one came with tears. Pulling her knees up to her chest, Serena hid her face in them and let out a lame little warble of a laugh.
"...But, I guess I don't like losing!"
If he'd seen through her before, she had no chance of selling THIS lie, but it was worth a shot.
Whatever brief thought Ash'd put on her hand layering over his, it didn't last. She retreated into herself, anyway. Pulling her guard close, like a Caterpie evolving into a Metapod. Discarding her openness to the world, to shelter her feelings. Foregoing flexibility so that she could safely ̶e̶v̶o̶l̶v̶e̶ grow at her own pace.
His brows raised at Serena's confession, though. She was right; he saw through it, immediately.
'Serena will be fine. Serena is strong.'
"Serena… Sorry, but I wasn't born yesterday." Ash was usually gentle, and hands-off with people's grief. He'd hold their hand through their processing of things that bothered them. But, he couldn't do that, if Serena didn't acknowledge what hurt her in the first place.
"What's really bothering you. Whatever it is, you can tell me. Anything at all."
Serena's ever-striking eyes peered over her knees at Ash. They were red and puffy, by now. "Aha-ha." She laughed out a very strained laugh, and cursed her frustration seeping through. Ash didn't deserve to hear that. But, he was the target of it, now, however ugly that was.
"You don't plan on giving up, do you."
He never did.
"Nope," Ash said simply. "Not when my friend needs me."
She breathed out a sigh. "Can you keep it a secret between us, then. At least for now."
"Look at me, Serena." She did. His eyes were steady and resolute, as they always were. "You have my word." She believed him.
"Thank you . . . " She sat upright. She couldn't resent Ash's steadfastness, no matter how cornered she felt for it. But, cornered wasn't the right word. He was giving her the floor, to voice something that she might've never, otherwise. But, what was the easiest, most (painless) way to say this?
She opened her mouth to speak. "Do… do you know what…" Her throat felt dry. This was ridiculous. "I'm… I'm transgender."
She'd hoped that would be enough. She prayed that she wouldn't have to say anymore, and that they could just get this over with. Whether he'd shrug it off, or find how ̶d̶i̶s̶g̶u̶s̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ he now found her. She could at least be done with it.
But, staring into his face, she felt dread. Slowly blinking eyes said the opposite. He was clueless.
"Putain ça," she swore under her breath. "I… how do I put this. I was born in a boy's body, Ash. It never felt quite right. In my heart, I knew I was a girl, and couldn't stand being otherwise. I felt… gross. Like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I started dressing like a girl, to relieve that feeling. Grew my hair out. Changed my name." Now that she thought about it, she'd done so before she and Ash met. To her relief, he'd never said anything about it, then. Never noticed.
"Mom was skeptical, at first. It helped sew some of my doubts."
Whatever Ash had ventured to expect, this certainly hadn't been it. He couldn't think of quite what to say. Not right away. And with a confession so striking, he didn't feel right giving her a stupid answer. "Grace didn't support you with it?" He asked, clinging to her latest word.
"She was supportive," Serena admitted. She had to be truthful about that much. "But, as you now know… I had a habit of quitting on things." She rubbed her tears on the back of her wrist. Her eyes were oh-so-irritated. "Of giving up when the going got tough. Mom told me it was a big commitment to make. I'd have to… I know it was her style of tough love, and that one time… it worked." After so many years of the cold truths, and untruths, she hated to admit it.
"It made me more determined. A bit resentful of her, even. Every time she'd ask me if I was really sure. I had to prove her wrong. To live as myself. It was the most commitment I'd ever shown anything. So Mom did come around to respecting it. Honestly," she huffed, "it probably emboldened her to play hardball about everything else."
Then, and only (then), did Serena realize how much she'd been ranting. Her breaths were heavy, yet simultaneously oh-so-light at the same time. She felt like she'd taken the weight of an anvil off of her back; to share her truth that she'd never shared with anyone. Only Braixen, perhaps. She couldn't answer back, or pass it on to anyone. Ash could.
"...I'm sorry," she laughed, just as transparent in her hurt as before. "This has probably changed how you look at me, for good, hasn't it."
"It has," Ash said, before internally scolding himself. He'd just been wary of giving her any stupid answers, only to do so right away. "I mean, just that… I think you're so much braver and stronger, now."
"Huh!?" Serena exclaimed, involuntarily. Her gaze rose to meet his, again. She should've known that this was the kind of answer Ash would give, and yet…
"I can't even imagine. Just… hating how I was born. Wanting to be something else entirely." Ash's eyes fell to the dirt under his feet. He rested his wrists atop his knees, and shook his head. It was like whatever weight Serena had taken off, he could feel on his own shoulders. Even if just a smidge. Just a sample. "It sounds terrifying. But here you are. Thriving."
"Thriving," she laughed bitterly. "Hardly."
"Does this have to do with the showcase?" Ash asked, frowning. He highly doubted it.
"I'm not taking the loss to heart," she replied. "I already resolved to stick to my guns. I will be a performer. But, part of me felt like I was seen, that day. Like everyone on that stage could see through me. See me for the fraud I am. Like my friends do. I'm… so much taller than the others on stage."
"I honestly imagined you just listened, when your mom said to drink your milk, and you'd grow up big and strong," Ash said, half-joking, perhaps. A bit of mirth leaked into his voice. He wondered if he should feel g̶u̶i̶l̶t̶y̶ for bringing such light-hearted talk in.
Serena giggled. That squashed his guilt, but he still had the sense she wasn't convinced.
"Is it okay if I take a turn, and tell a story of my own?"
Serena blinked. "It's only fair," she obliged. Looking off, she entertained the slight upturn of her lip. "Surely, you're not coming out, as well?" She tried to match Ash in his levity. It was only fair.
"Afraid not!" Ash shook his head. "Though, I have dressed up like a girl, a couple times."
"A couple times?" Serena echoed, incredulous.
Ash shrugged. "Sometimes you do crazy things to win a badge. Or help a stranger confess to someone he likes. Or help with a maid café. Or help a friend get into a high-class party."
"M-maid café!?" Serena sputtered out.
"Hey," Ash huffed, "It was for a good cause!"
That didn't stop the hot blush scalding her cheeks. The image orbited in her head; quite inappropriately, she thought, with the topic at hand. "G-go ahead with your story!" Hopefully, he didn't notice the crack in her voice.
"Gladly," Ash replied, crossing one leg over the other. "People always told me I was going to be a loser," he started, staring aimlessly into the fire. "Because I came from a family of losers."
'Loser!?' Serena thought, and she came close to sputtering out as much. Ash, of all people!? She recalled what he'd told her, though, on that night they'd made Poké Puffs. He had his own bumps in the road and his past. She thought better of it, and let him continue.
"My father and grandfather both went out to be Pokémon Trainers, before I was born. They never returned. Word around Pallet was, they failed in their quests, and never returned home out of shame. I found out when I got to my fifth birthday, and Mom bought me a computer. I tried to look up their names on the trainer registries. Nothing came up, and she told me the truth."
"Ash…" Serena bit her lip. "I had no idea."
He shrugged. "They were never in my life, so it didn't mean much to me. I just thought they were lame. To leave Mom like that, and never get anywhere… I just wanted to be a great trainer, myself. See, Pallet Town was named after an old hometown hero. Gary and Professor Oak come from the same family. He was the first person from our town to ever place in a league. The only one, until me and Gary did it. I was hoping, maybe, I'd turn out like that… No, better. I remember hoping they'd name the town 'Ash Town,' one day," he chuckled.
Serena felt herself smile at that, a little.
"I'd go around saying that. But the other kids made fun of me. Said that I'd just end up like everyone else in my family. That I'd always be a loser. Sometimes, it got to me. One day, I came home trying really hard not to cry about it. Can't remember when it was, but I know I remember what Mom said. She said that I wear my heart on my sleeve, too."
Somehow, that surprised Serena. And yet, it didn't. Ash was a fairly expressive and open person. Yet, he also hid things like this about himself up his sleeve; she never would have known about his troubles, if they hadn't spoken tonight. To be so open, and honest, yet to still keep his secrets… Were they alike, in that way? All the times she believed she was an open book; was she just as good at hiding it!?
"Mom said something else that was important," Ash continued. "Something I never forgot. 'Sometimes, Spearow hatch from Pidgey eggs.' You're not defined by how you're born, or where you come from. At the end of the day, you're made up of your own choices." He looked up to Serena, then, smiling hopefully. "You know . . . ? Heh, sorry." He shook his head. "I guess that might've been off-topic."
"I . . . don't think so," Serena replied. "I think that might be just what I needed to hear."
Ash's smile grew wider. "Didja realize that you're that Spearow?"
"I'll do you one better," she said, getting up to her feet. If she'd felt a weight off of her a few minutes ago, she felt weightless, in this moment. She did a twirl, and bowed. "I'll be a Fearow!"
"Aha, that's the spirit!" Ash laughed, quite heartily. He could see the smile in her eyes, then. He was glad, truly; for a problem that he knew so little about; one he didn't even know existed until just now; he'd managed to navigate it, just a little. Just enough to make his friend smile, again.
The fire crackled steadily. It filled the silence, for a short while. "Hey," Ash broke the silence. "Is there anything I can do to help you, Serena?"
The blonde held her index to her lip in thought. "There is," she answered. "Always think of me as a woman."
Ash snorted. "I mean something that I don't already do."
She could feel the smile blossoming on her lips, truly. She couldn't be bothered with the messy way her hair frayed. She no longer felt her hands trembling. "I think I feel ready to go back to bed, now."
"Yeha, it's getting late," Ash agreed. "Besides. I need my strength so that we can get back to Lumiose for my Gym Battle!" He stood up and stretched, grunting with just a bit of effort.
"Wait! Ash?"
He stopped in his tracks at Serena's voice. "Yeah, Serena?"
To his surprise and her own, Serena threw her arms around him, and pulled him into a hug. With her arms around his back, and his head fitted into her shoulder, she felt a bit less insecure about the half a foot she had over him in height. "...Thank you."
"Uh, yeah," Ash coughed out. He patted her back earnestly, if not a bit awkwardly. "Anytime."
Awkwardness settled in, and Serena's courage shriveled up, as she pulled away. "Eheh-heh." Laughing awkwardly as she often did. "So… um. Right! You'd better get to bed," she chided, wagging a finger. "Before you get hungry again, and use it as an excuse to stay up and eat!"
She always said that. With Bonnie being merely seven, and Clemont watching over her on a nightly basis, she and Ash were always the last ones awake. They'd fallen into old habits.
Ash cracked an amused smile, rolling his eyes. He turned back towards his tent to slide back in. On his way inside, though, he found two words to close the night on. The right ones, he hoped.
"Yes, Ma'am!"