Chapter Text
When the news that a Chicago police officer was coming in on the next ambo, Will felt the familiar panic take hold. Maggie yelled for him to head to the ambulance bay to receive the patient and he took a breath.
It isn’t Jay. She wouldn’t send me to work on Jay.
The panic slowly started to release as he repeated this to himself. Although it wasn’t until the gurney unloaded and he saw the patient for himself that he felt real relief.
Then, of course, he felt the immediate guilt that accompanied that relief. Great, it wasn’t going to be the worst day of his own life, but it was sure as hell someone else’s. Armed with the shame of being comforted by someone else’s misfortune, Will threw himself into saving the officer’s life.
But no matter how hard Will tried, the man, Anthony O’Sullivan, didn’t stand a chance. The young officer had been shot in the neck and had already lost too much blood by the time they’d received him. The team hadn’t been able to get him stable - hadn’t been able to stop the bleeding - and before long, Will was already calling time of death.
Will called time of death all the time; this was Chicago. He had treated and lost too many GSWs to count, but losing a police officer without being able to do anything was always painful.
As he left the room to inform the next of kin, Jay and Erin pulled him aside. Once again, relief flooded through his system as Jay’s presence reassured Will that his brother was safe. However, the feeling quickly subsided as he told them of Officer O’Sullivan’s fate.
His clichéd words did nothing to comfort either detective, and Will felt ridiculous for saying them. He’d barely done anything, there was nothing he could have done to save that man’s life. As doctors, they were trained to assure the patient’s loved ones they worked to the best of their abilities - as if that made the situation any better.
In this twisted moment, it felt like he was counting down the days he got lucky before one of his coworkers called time of death on his brother and told Will that they did everything they could.
Frustrated, he tossed his stethoscope on the nurse’s station, braced himself to deliver more bad news, and headed out to O’Sullivan’s family and friends.
Some days, he hated his job.
---
It took awhile, but Will’s nerves had settled and he was back into his usual, albeit hectic, routine. At some point, Jay and Erin had left, but Will was already with another patient and missed the chance to say goodbye. Maggie had checked in on him after the ED chaos calmed down to make sure that he was alright after losing the officer that morning. Trust Maggie to know exactly what was going on in Will’s head, even when the others didn’t see it.
He’d just paused to do paperwork on the morning’s patients when Maggie called for him to receive an incoming ambo.
“GSW to the head. Patient’s already lost a lot of blood.” Something in her tone set Will on edge and he turned to look at her as she continued, “It’s another officer, Will.”
Immediately, the panic was back. Will’s adrenaline crashed over him as he steeled himself to work on another painful reminder of Jay’s risky job.
He wasn’t expecting a patrol car to roll up in the ambulance bay, but the momentary surprise didn’t stop him from getting the officer onto a gurney and into treatment. The memory of Kim’s distress as she slowly passed the officer’s bleeding head over to his careful hands was not one that he would ever forget.
The quiet dread of hopelessness snuck up on Will as he started to triage the woman, Susan Riley. Much too quickly, he was already pronouncing time of death, throat constricting as he did so.
Instead of taking a moment to compose himself after the second loss of the day, Will found Riley's partner and told him the news. The man was understandably distraught, but Will couldn't find the words to comfort him. He knew the guilt and grief that this news carried, and there were no words to fix this messed-up situation.
Riley's family hadn't yet arrived, so Will took a moment to call Jay and update him on the patient. His brother picked up on the second ring and when he answered there was a hard edge to his voice, "She didn't make it, did she? You'd still be working on her if she had."
Will rubbed his eyes, exasperated but not surprised by his brother's observational skills. "To be honest, Jay, she was dead before she even hit the ground. There was nothing you guys could have done."
There was a moment of silence broken by Jay's sigh, "This offender... he's targeting cops, and he doesn't miss, man. It feels like I'm back in a warzone."
Having two cops die on him in one morning had felt like a rock in his stomach all day, but now actual bile threatened to come up. In Jay's line of work, they were always getting shot at but were usually on the offensive side and prepared for the situation. This felt like something entirely different. Cops were being lured into situations they had no control over and being taken out unawares, and Jay was on the first line of defense.
"Promise me you'll be careful."
"Aren't I always?" A weak chuckle followed Jay's quip. He paused before continuing on a more somber note, "Don't worry, Will. My team's got my back and we will stop this guy."
The line went dead and Will scoffed at his brother's lack of concern for goodbyes. His brother's surety was a comfort, even if Will didn't actually get a promise out of him. It had been pointless to ask; Jay would dive recklessly into any situation if he felt the need. Faulting Jay for his desire to protect people was wrong, but Will knew that his brother's fearlessness did not take into account that those around him would be the ones suffering if something happened to him. If he thought it would make a difference, Will would've told Jay that his being on the front lines worried him, but nothing would stop Jay from protecting those who needed it. It was up to Will to lower his expectations, keep a good thought for his brother, and pray that he didn't have any more cops ride in on a gurney today.
---
"How are you doing, Will?" Natalie asked, resting her hand comfortingly on Will's shoulder, "Losing two patients- two police officers in one day is difficult."
He appreciated her asking, but wasn't completely sure how to answer the question. Hours had passed since talking to Riley's family and he was distracting himself with the low stakes world of paperwork.
"Do you want the honest version or the quick answer?" He smiled up at her, though he suspected the shrewd doctor saw through his bravado based on the way her eyebrows raised at him. Sighing, Will put his work to the side and ran his hands through his hair. All the while, Natalie waited patiently for his answer.
"I mean, it sucks, but that's just what happens when someone you love chooses to do something ridiculously dangerous for a living."
Watching her face fall, Will kicked himself for being insensitive, but before he could apologize, Natalie spoke, "You're right, it does suck. It sucks to be the one waiting for bad news, hoping that it never comes."
Both of them got quiet, thinking about their respective loved ones. Will felt bad complaining when Nat had been through so much worse, but now that she seemed lost in thought about her husband, he didn't have the words to say. Just when he thought she was going to zone out completely, Natalie surprised him by continuing, "but you're also wrong. Just because it's their job, and just because we can't do anything, doesn't mean that you don't have the right to feel anxious or be upset."
He smiled at her and squeezed her hand on his shoulder reassuringly. Let it spark whatever gossip between the nurses, he didn't care. Both of them needed some comfort right now.
Unfortunately, the moment was broken up by Maggie's voice calling for help in the ambulance bay. She looked right past Will and Natalie, and called for Dr. Rhodes, who had just finished working on another patient.
"Mags, I'll get it. He probably needs a minute."
It was only when Maggie glanced in his direction that he realized she'd seen him in the first place. She had purposely skipped over him and called to Dr. Rhodes.
He dropped the level of his voice so that only she could hear before saying, "If it's about this morning's patients, don't worry, I'm good."
Instead of meeting his eyes, she grimaced and gave a confirming nod to Dr. Rhodes, who continued toward the incoming patient. Will's heart sank. It was another cop.
"It's fine, Maggie. I know it's been a rough day, but that doesn't mean I can't do my job."
When Maggie finally looked at him, he was surprised by the compassion in her eyes. Sure, it had been a rough morning, but she was treating him like a victim when he wasn't.
"Why don't we go to the doctor's lounge for a moment?" It was such a struggle to hear her over the arrival of the ambulance and the shouts of the paramedics, that for a moment Will thought he misheard her.
It was her nervous glance toward Dr. Rhodes and his new patient that finally made the pieces click for Will. Dread pooled in his stomach and the noise of the ED swirled in his brain.
"Who?" His voice came out as a broken whisper, and he tried again, "Who is it?"
Natalie, who had realized the situation just before Will caught on, tried to pull gently pull him in the direction of the doctor's lounge. "Let's go with Maggie, where it's quieter."
Roughly - which he would probably regret later, but right now he didn't care - he yanked his arm away from Natalie and started towards the incoming gurney. The fear of what he would find both pulled him forward and made him scared to enter the room where Dr. Rhodes was now working.
This guy took headshots. No survivors. If Jay really was shot and he was here then the chances of him being okay were terrifyingly slim.
"-to get imaging before taking him into surgery," Will heard Dr. Rhodes talking to someone in the room. Will paused, not ready to face reality yet. As long as he stood on this side of the door, it could be anybody's brother in there. Jay was still out on the streets, trying to take care of this city; he definitely wasn't in here because some lowlife shot him.
Natalie and Maggie were right behind him, but before either of them could stop him, Will pulled the curtain back and his body went numb.
There was so much blood. The clothes that were currently being cut away from his brother's body were saturated in it, Jay's face was covered in spattered pattern. Will looked at blood every day and could handle his fair share without a hint of nausea or disgust, but it was different when you knew the person bleeding. When you started to calculate how much more they could afford to lose before you lost them. And right now, Will's heart couldn't handle that math.
Dr. Rhodes looked up at the intrusion and winced when he saw Will standing there, struck useless by such a shocking sight. "Will, you know you can't be in here. Please don't make me remove you."
The doctor's words acted as a catalyst; as soon as Jay heard his brother's name, the detective became restless, trying to catch sight of his brother. Will's legs moved of their own accord as he sought to comfort his panicking brother. Despite his coworker's protests, he moved to the head of the bed and carded his hand through Jay's hair.
"It's going to be okay, Jay. You're going to be okay. You have to be okay." Jay's wide eyes met his own and Will smiled at his brother's cognizance. For one short moment, Will could imagine that everything was fine and that Jay was just here for another one of his stupid stunts out in the field.
That feeling was never meant to last. Before he could offer any further form of reassurance, Jay's eyes rolled back and a moment later, his monitor's shrill tone confirmed Will's fear - his brother was dying.
The pace in the room sped up tenfold as Jay's team rushed into code blue protocol. Will's shock kept him rooted in place, hand still resting on his brother.
"Will, you need to leave. You're not helping your brother by being here."
How could he leave? If this was the last time he would see Jay alive, how could he turn his back now? The logical recesses of his mind were telling him that his colleague was right and family didn't have a place in a code blue, but he couldn't get his feet to move.
Giving up on talking sense into Will, Dr. Rhodes finally nodded to Maggie and the nurse all but dragged Will out of the room, not stopping until they reached the doctor's lounge.
For a moment, Maggie and Will just stood there, neither of them sure how to break the silence of the room. Her features were smoothed over; this was a woman who was trained by hard days in a Chicago ED, one who had seen her fair share of grieving loved ones. But as she raised a shaking hand to comfort him, Will thought she more closely resembled someone approaching a dangerous animal, hoping not to get bit. He couldn't blame her. The Halsteads had a history of getting angry when they felt powerless, and nothing was more debilitating than watching someone you love go through something without being able to help.
"Maggie, I-" He choked on his words, not even getting a thought out before gasping through sobs. The emotions of the day spilled over him, drowning him in the reality that his worst fear had finally come into being. The fear he'd hopelessly fought off, just as hopeless as his efforts to save those other cops.
His friend tried her best to support him as his legs gave out from under him, ushering him into the nearest chair before he had the chance to hit the ground. There were no words she could offer him that could fix the situation, so she resorted to rubbing his back soothingly, giving him time to process.
When Connor and his team rolled toward the OR with Jay, Will's throat loosened a little and his breathing slowed. If Jay was mobile then he was stable. Neither of the other officers had even made it to an OR, and Will assured himself that this case would be different. Whatever else had happened to his brother, thank God it wasn't another headshot.
The two of them stayed in the doctor's lounge for minutes? Hours? Time had lost its meaning. Crying had racked his body and left it weary and his mind was dazed, having been left in the wake of the day's horror. In the windowless room, there was no sure way to tell without looking at a clock.
A new thought and wave of guilt stirred in Will. Med could hardly afford to lose two of its staff; Maggie's time was better spent running the ED than listening to his blubbering. Wiping the last evidence of his breakdown from his eyes, he stood and offered a hand to help Maggie up as well.
"I don't think Sharon would appreciate me stealing her best nurse for so long. We'd better get back to work."
Her mouth quirked at his attempt at a joke, but the concern didn't leave her eyes as she matched his gaze.
"Oh, you're not going back out there unless it's as a visitor."
"Maggie, come on." Will rolled his eyes at her protective manner.
"I don't care if I have to call every other doctor on our payroll myself, we'll get someone else in here. As far as the hospital is concerned, you are not in the right headspace to be working on anyone right now, and as far as I'm concerned, you should be in that waiting room, ready to hear news about Jay as soon as it's available."
There was no room for argument, which was how Will ended up in the waiting room moments later. Jay's team roused, looking hopeful, as Will joined them. He was sorry that there wasn't better news, but he relayed what he could.
"Last I saw, he was stable and being moved into surgery. Right now we just have to be patient and let the OR team do their job. Connor will update us as soon as he can."
The room settled again as its inhabitants realized the waiting game had not yet ended. Some faces were familiar to Will, especially those from Intelligence. It was encouraging to see how many people were there for his brother, the palpable support that was felt in this room.
Every time he entered the waiting room he was aware of the effect it had on the people there. Everyone was waiting for news from someone like him; he had the power to destroy their hopes or relieve them from their worries. Each time a doctor entered that room, it caused a stir in the people who were about to receive one of those outcomes. As doctors came in and out of the room he couldn't stop himself from looking in their direction, hoping it would be Connor and that the nightmare would be over. This feeling would haunt him every time he brought news to loved ones, Will knew that for certain.
One member of Intelligence had been missing when Will entered the OR. As Voight came in, he made straight for Will, much to the doctor's surprise.
After shaking Will's hand and offering a comforting pat on his shoulder, Voight asked after Jay's condition, to which Will gave the same answer as he had before.
"I had to finish a few things up at the scene, but I want you to know," Voight paused and rested his hand on Will's shoulder, "We got the guy who did this. It's all over."
It's all over. This morning, those words would have comforted Will and brought an end to the anxiety he was facing. Now... now it felt like too little too late. It was selfish, but he cared a lot less about PD catching the guy if Jay was the sacrifice to end it.
Suddenly, he was aware of how many eyes were wandering towards their conversation. His discomfort must've been visible because Voight nodded in a pointed direction and Will followed him to a quieter spot. Patiently, Voight waited for him to speak his mind.
It took a second, but Will finally bolstered himself enough, "How? I mean, what happened? I thought this guy took headshots- not that I'm not grateful, but I'm just confused about how all of this went down."
"We had him cornered, and we started out hopeful that we could talk him down without things turning ugly." The normally stoic man paused, and he shook his head incredulously, "Turns out, he had hostages and the house was rigged. When we couldn't eyes on him, Jay went around back and tried to get the hostages out. The woman and child are totally fine, but the suspect didn't make it. Jay finally drew the guy into our eyeline and a sniper took him out. But when the two of them got into it, Jay ended up taking hits from the guy's semi - a through and through just under the vest and one... well one nicked his femoral artery. "
A quiet horror washed over Will with every sentence the sergeant spoke. Picturing Jay going up against a lunatic cop killer with a semi-automatic in hand and a bomb at the ready was already too much. Anytime a major artery is hit, you're working against the clock to stem blood flow. How long had it taken to get Jay to the hospital? There had certainly been enough blood covering his brother to confirm what Voight was saying, but Will didn't want to believe it.
"He was loaded up in the ambo and headed here within minutes, Will." Voight comforted him, as if he could guess at the thoughts swirling in Will's mind. "Jay's one of the strongest people I know; he'll pull through."
It was all he could do to nod in response to the man's encouragement before Will headed back to his seat, trying to process all the new information. Earlier, he'd been more focused on his brother being alive than the specifics of his injuries, but now he felt stupid for not considering how serious the situation was. Looking back, Will thought he could vaguely recall seeing a tourniquet on Jay's thigh, but maybe that was just suggestive thinking. The room was chaotic and Will had been focused on Jay's face rather than his blood-covered body. And of course, the fact that Jay's heart had stopped was distracting enough that Will would've missed a flashing neon sign spelling out his injuries at that point. Oh God, he'd coded because of all the blood pumping away from his heart.
His heartbeat was speeding up considerably and his cheeks flushed as he spiraled. This day was never-ending in its ability to sweep his legs out from under him. The whoosh of the ED doors broke his dark reverie and he looked up, hoping for good news. Instead, a different colleague met his anticipative gaze with a quick show of sympathy before moving toward a different group in the waiting room.
By the time it was finally Connor walking through the doors, Will had managed to calm himself, though his optimistic self-talk was a poor band-aid for the endless dread of the waiting room. His friend's exhausted face betrayed little emotion. Whatever the man was about to say had the power to bring down the fragile walls that Will had been building around himself since working on the first cop this morning.
"He's stable."
The relief spread through him like an ice bath on a hot day - better than the Cubs winning the Series, better than the day he earned his M.D., better than anything he'd ever experienced in his life. He wavered, suddenly unsteady on his feet, but pulled Connor into a hug nonetheless - a rare show of comradery between the two doctors. Their past feuds aside, Will was overwhelmed with gratitude towards the man.
The rest of the room was swept up in a similar fashion. Hugs and smiles were passed around between the cops - Will even saw Erin crying as she hugged Voight.
"There's certainly a lot more to discuss, but you and I can have that conversation outside of layman's terms when you get the chance. Right now I'm sure you'd much rather see your brother."
Will's face split into a grin and he chuckled as he nodded in agreement. For the first time since operating on O'Sullivan, Will felt whole again knowing that his brother was safe and that he was finally about to see him.