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‘How are you not exhausted?’ Tommy asked, incredulity plain on his face. He was yelling over the noise of the bar, his face close enough to Buck’s to be heard but not quite close enough for Buck’s taste.
Buck shuffled sideways on the seat, swiftly solving the problem, and wrapped his arm around Tommy’s waist. ‘What do you mean?’ he asked. He didn’t have to speak as loudly now.
Tommy laughed. ‘I mean that even I’m tired, and I had the day off today. You got off shift and came straight here afterwards.’
‘That’s just how the 118 does it, Tommy,’ Buck replied. ‘Work hard, play harder.’
‘Except,’ Tommy started, turning slightly so they could be face to face, ‘that the rest of the 118’s gone home.’
Buck looked around, surprised. He knew that Eddie had gone home a little while ago, and he vaguely remembered Bobby and Athena tapping out, but he was sure that the others were still around. He could see now, though, that Tommy was right.
‘I guess I’ve been, uh, distracted,’ he confessed. He flushed slightly as he said it but Tommy was as cool as ever. He just cocked an eyebrow and smirked at Buck.
‘Distracted by what?’ Tommy asked.
Buck just rolled his eyes. He wasn’t going to answer that.
Tommy leaned in and kissed him gently, lingering just long enough for Buck to close his eyes before pulling back. ‘Distracted by this?’ he asked.
Buck blushed again.
He still hadn’t been able to find his footing with Tommy. To find his cool, or to even be able to fake it so that he at least came across as somewhat smooth. At least a bit less of an idiot.
So idiodic, non-cool, non-smooth Buck replied with an ‘uhh’. Then, eventually, ‘Yeah. A bit.’ He looked down. Mentally kicked himself for a second.
Tommy waited.
Buck steeled himself. ‘I don’t want to leave yet,’ he confessed.
Tommy laughed softly. ‘Me neither.’
But then Buck thought of the one way he would be willing to leave. He gathered himself as well as he could and smiled up at Tommy. ‘Unless…’ he started.
Tommy cut him off with a kiss before he could finish.
—
Buck couldn’t sleep.
He’d tried to do all of the right things that evening.
He’d talked to Eddie, who’d helped him pull the girl out of the car, to try and process his feelings.
He’d visited Maddie and Jee, to remind himself of everything good he had.
He’d played video games with Chris, to try and distract himself. Technically, maybe, distraction wasn’t one of the strategies that had been recommended by his therapist. But he’d wanted to play videogames with Chris, so he did.
And then he’d asked Tommy to come over, to let himself feel loved.
Maybe he’d been looking for a distraction with Tommy as well, though. Tommy had asked if he wanted to talk about it, but Buck had turned him down, and they’d watched a movie together instead.
Buck was beginning to worry that he hadn’t dealt with this very well after all. Maybe he’d just put off dealing with it. And now it was midnight, and he was the only one awake, and he’d never be able to get to sleep because all he could think of were the people he’d lost, and the reasons he’d lost them.
He rolled over, away from Tommy and onto his other side.
He had an early shift tomorrow. He’d have to be up in five hours - four if he wanted to fit a workout in, but at this stage he’d given up on that.
Still. Even if he fell asleep at this very moment, which he wouldn’t, he’d still only get five hours of sleep.
He rolled over again, this time onto his back. He stared at the roof, trying not to blink so that his eyes would feel tired. And trying not to blink so that he didn’t have to see anyone’s faces when his eyes were closed.
He’d be useless tomorrow on five hours of sleep. He knew what sleep deprivation did to a person. His reaction time would slow (by sixteen percent - he knew because he’d googled it another time that he couldn’t sleep). He’d have difficulty maintaining focus. He’d make mistakes more often.
Driving on less than 5 hours of sleep was just as likely to end in a car crash than drunk driving. He knew that from late night googling as well, but also from experience.
He wondered how many hours of sleep the driver who had caused the car accident that afternoon had gotten. Maybe if he’d just taken a twenty minute nap, that girl and her mother would still be alive.
He remembered the accident on the bridge - the one that had nearly killed Chimney ( again). And the time that man had driven into a homecoming parade.
Then he tried very hard not to think about those times, because he actually needed to get to sleep.
He rolled over again.
Maybe he needed to go get a drink of water. Reset himself, somehow.
Buck got out of bed as quietly as possible, trying not to wake Tommy, who was gently snoring beside him. Slowly and carefully, he walked down the stairs and got himself a glass of water before stepping out onto the balcony.
The night was unusually quiet. He could hear cars passing by, some sirens in the distance, but not much else.
Maybe this was stupid. He wasn’t getting any sleepier sitting out here, and there wasn’t anything to distract him either. Maybe he should have brought a book with him, or his phone. Sometimes mindless scrolling on instagram helped.
He heard the door open behind him.
‘Evan?’ Tommy said.
Buck winced and turned around. ‘Did I wake you?’ he asked apologetically.
Tommy breathed out a laugh. ‘You were very quiet, Evan.’ He took Buck’s hand and led him inside, navigating him over to the couch. ‘But you do live in a loft’.
Buck smiled half-heartedly.
Tommy didn’t say anything after that. He didn’t complain about the time or ask why Buck couldn’t sleep, or tell him he should talk about it. He just ran his fingers through Buck’s hair gently, over and over again. Buck leaned into Tommy.
‘I can’t get his face out of my head,’ he admitted eventually.
‘His face?’ Tommy asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion. ‘I thought it was a girl you pulled out.’
Buck hadn’t told him that, but it figured Tommy knew somehow.
‘It was,’ Buck replied, numbly. She’d only been young, maybe sixteen or seventeen. She’d stopped breathing in his arms, just after he’d finally pried her out. And yeah, her face was haunting him.
‘So who’s face are you seeing, then?’ asked Tommy.
Buck felt a tear fall onto Tommy’s shirt. Tommy must have pulled it back on before getting out of bed, to guard himself from the cold. Buck had a handful of it scrunched in his fist, and he was leaning up against Tommy’s chest with his head facing inwards so that the forest-green fabric was the only thing he could see.
‘There was this guy, once. On a rollercoaster. I held out my hand for him, but…’ He couldn’t finish the sentence.
Tommy’s fingers paused for a second, and Buck felt his lips press against Buck’s forehead. ‘He wouldn’t take it.’
Buck sniffed. ‘Yeah.’
‘I remember seeing that. It was a tough break.’ Tommy resumed combing his fingers through Buck’s curls.
‘He was just a kid.’ Buck’s voice cracked.
This time when Tommy paused, he took Buck’s shoulders and gently pulled him upright, so Buck was looking directly at his face.
‘So were you, Evan.’
It was one of those sentences that hit Buck like a tonne of bricks. He knew, in the abstract, that he’d been younger back then. Inexperienced and stupid. But he hadn’t really realised it before. Not properly.
Somehow it was easier to forgive himself if he thought of young Buck as something separate, that kid from seven years ago who didn’t have anything figured out yet.
‘Yeah,’ Buck replied quietly. ‘Yeah, I guess so.’
Again, they returned to how they had been on the couch - Buck curled up against Tommy’s chest, Tommy running his fingers through Buck’s hair.
‘Ally Morrison,’ Tommy said. Buck waited. ‘She was the first one I couldn’t save.’
‘What happened?’ Buck asked.
‘She jumped.’
Buck squeezed Tommy’s arm gently. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. It was all he could offer.
‘Me too,’ Tommy replied. There was another pause. ‘She keeps me awake at night too,’ he said.
‘I just-’ Buck started, but then he stopped.
‘What is it?’ Tommy asked.
‘Forget about it,’ Buck said. ‘It’s beyond stupid.’
‘Try me,’ Tommy said. Something inside Buck swelled with fondness.
‘I can’t help feeling like - and I know how ridiculous this sounds, believe me - but just sometimes, I feel like - like if I’d just been able to save him, I could’ve saved all of the others too.’ Buck was extra glad his face was hidden in Tommy’s shirt now.
‘That doesn’t sound stupid,’ Tommy reassured him. ‘Illogical, yes. But not stupid.’
Buck sighed with relief. ‘I wish I could have saved her. Or him. Or any of them - even just one of them, just one.’
‘I’m not going to remind you of all the people you have saved, Evan. I know you know that.’ He leaned down and kissed Buck again, once on each eyelid this time. ‘But I am going to remind you that you make the world a better place to be in-’ he pressed a kiss to Buck’s nose ‘-in so many ways.’
How was that even relevant , Buck wanted to argue. But he let the words buoy him anyways.
He looked up at Tommy. ‘Tomorrow’s going to be hell,’ he complained.
‘I don’t know about that,’ Tommy smiled. ‘I was thinking we could have a sleep in. We can order something nice for brunch. Maybe watch a movie or two before my shift in the afternoon.’
Buck frowned. ‘What?’ He was sure he’d told Tommy about his early shift. ‘I have to work tomorrow.’
Tommy held up a phone, and Buck realised it was his phone, not Tommy’s. ‘Not anymore. You just called in sick.’ He showed Buck the text message he’d typed out. Despite his words, Tommy hadn’t actually sent the message yet - but as soon as he saw the relief on Buck’s face, he pressed the arrow.
Buck had never been able to call in sick for mental health days before; something inside him seemed to forbid it. But god, was he glad that he didn’t have to be up in - well, about four and a half hours now.
‘Do you wanna put something on the tv?’ Tommy asked.
Buck hummed in agreement, and Tommy turned on the news.
‘There you go,’ he said softly, as he pulled Buck back into his chest.
‘Hey Tommy?’ Buck asked, as he finally felt his eyelids start to get heavy.
‘Yeah,’ Tommy replied. His voice was weary, and Buck realised that he was fighting to stay awake.
‘Did you ever see me on the news any of those other times?’
Tommy was quiet for a second. ‘Mm, no. I don’t think so.’ His voice was teasing now. ‘I wasn’t keeping tabs on you.’
‘You should have,’ Buck said. ‘Cause I’ve done heaps of heroic things.’
Tommy flicked him lightly. ‘Heroic, huh?’
‘Yeah. Like saving babies and scaling falling buildings and stuff.’ Buck tried to flick him back, but Tommy caught his hand and held it tightly enough that Buck couldn’t move it. Not that he particularly wanted to right now.
Tommy feigned confusion. ‘You know, that’s so weird. Because I don’t think I’ve heard those stories.’
Buck sighed with fake exasperation, and when his eyes closed he let them stay shut. ‘Surely someone told you how I basically took charge of the 118 when that bridge fell.’
‘Not ringing any bells, no,’ Tommy said. ‘I think I remember something about you and Eddie getting freaked out by a bunch of little girls at a pageant, though.’
‘We were drugged,’ Buck mumbled. ‘That doesn’t count.’
‘If you say so,’ Tommy replied. Buck’s eyes didn’t want to open, but he could still hear the smile in Tommy’s voice.
—
Buck didn’t know when he’d gone from being asleep to being awake.
He wasn’t a hundred percent sure he was awake. He could still feel himself cocooned by the specific cosiness of sleep even as he started to stir.
But then he felt Tommy’s fingers lightly sweeping through his hair, and he found himself drawn closer to the warmth of it all. He wrapped his arm around Tommy, to pull him closer, and kissed him softly on the cheek, eyes still closed.
Tommy’s other hand came up to Buck’s face, and his fingers slowly trailed down Buck’s cheek, resting on his jaw. His lips met Buck’s and softly, almost imperceptibly, he kissed him once, twice, a third time, all in quick succession.
Don’t stop, Buck thought, and on the third time when Tommy went to pull away Buck leaned forwards, allowing the kiss to deepen. He turned slightly, so that he was lying half on top of Tommy.
But the blanket of sleep was both inviting and inevitable, so he pulled back and kissed Tommy once below the ear before resting his head on his shoulder.
Tommy let his fingers fall back down, onto Buck’s back, and his breathing slowed.
—
Evan?’ Tommy called out as soon as he entered the room.
‘Hey Tommy,’ Buck replied sheepishly.
Usually he was excited whenever Tommy entered the room. But right now he was full of nervous anticipation.
‘Can I hug you?’ Tommy asked tentatively, and Buck shifted upright and held out his arms in answer. He winced a little as he did it - it hurt to move - but he tried not to let it show.
‘There was a moment there-’ Tommy’s voice broke, and Buck realised he was crying. ‘I thought I might never see you again.’
‘I’m fine,’ Buck reassured him. ‘I’m barely even injured - they’re only keeping me overnight as a precaution.’
Tommy pulled back, to look Buck in the eyes. He was sitting on the hospital bed, but had arranged himself carefully so he wasn’t actually touching Buck. Buck didn’t like it.
‘You could have died,’ Tommy said seriously.
Buck’s heart sank. He knew this look. He knew where this was going.
‘You can’t get rid of me that easily,’ he tried to tease, but it came out a bit wooden.
Tommy still wasn’t smiling. ‘I can’t lose you, Evan,’ he said.
‘You didn’t. I’m fine,’ Buck replied. He was aiming for reassuring, but came out somewhere in the neighbourhood of defensive. Or grouchy, maybe.
Tommy blinked, clearly taken aback. ‘You don’t seem fine.’ He sounded annoyed, now.
Buck sighed. ‘Look, Tommy, can you just get this over with?’ He looked down, as though maybe that would make this whole thing easier.
It took a few seconds before Tommy spoke. He was probably steeling himself for the break up, Buck figured.
‘Get what over with?’ Tommy asked.
‘The bit where you break up with me.’
Buck still wasn’t looking at Tommy, but he could feel the weight on the mattress change as Tommy moved closer.
‘Why would I break up with you?’ he asked. He sounded genuinely confused.
‘I don’t know. Because it’s too stressful to date someone who faces death on a daily basis, I guess?’ That was how it worked, right?
Tommy laughed softly, which Buck tried not to be offended by. He put a hand on Buck’s cheek and tried to bring his head up, but Buck resisted it.
‘So, to mitigate my fear of maybe losing you one day, I should make the choice to definitely lose you right now?’ Tommy asked. ‘Evan, love, that doesn’t make any sense.’
Normally, Buck would try to prove himself right. But he didn’t really feel like encouraging Tommy to break up with him. He looked back up to see Tommy smiling softly. ‘So you don’t want to break up?’ he asked.
Tommy kissed his forehead. ‘Of course not.’
Buck blinked, and he felt his cheeks heat up. He’d rather be embarrassed than heartbroken, but he’d also rather not have made an idiot of himself.
‘For the record,’ Tommy started, his voice lighter, ‘I also face death on a daily basis.’
‘But, I mean, you don’t run into burning buildings anymore,’ Buck replied. ‘It’s slightly less heroic.’
Tommy feigned shock. ‘I flew you into a hurricane,’ he said. ‘How is that not heroic?’
Buck laughed and looked down. ‘Do you regret it?’ he asked, mostly joking. Like, probably ninety percent joking.
Tommy laughed. ‘Every day,’ he responded, but his eyes betrayed him.
—
They were just sitting comfortably on the couch, but as soon as the clock ticked over to midnight, Tommy jumped on him and wrestled him down.
‘Happy birthday, love,’ he smiled. He leaned down and kissed Buck softly. ‘Are you ready for the first part of your present?’
‘Is it birthday sex?’ Buck asked. It had better be birthday sex. He was definitely ready for that.
Tommy laughed. Like, threw his head back and laughed. ‘Not yet.’
Buck pulled himself backwards, so that he was just slightly more upright. ‘Then, uh.. You’re going to have to move back a bit.’
Tommy laughed again, apparently enjoying torturing Buck, but he at least adjusted how he was sitting.
‘So what’s my present?’ Buck asked. He was trying to avoid looking around, because that was probably rude, but he didn’t think he’d seen a present nearby.
Tommy smiled, and his eyes crinkled. ‘Just sit back and listen, Evan,’ he started. ‘While I tell you about how fucking hot you look tonight.’
‘Are you sure this isn’t birthda-,’ Buck started, but Tommy put a finger to his lips.
‘Not yet,’ Tommy repeated. ‘Just listen, okay.’ His lips pressed against Buck’s birthmark, and a second later his fingers were on it. ‘You have this super hot birthmark, and-’ he ran his fingers through Buck’s hair ‘-the cutest little curls.’ His lips brushed against Buck’s again, but were gone too soon. ‘I love your lips,’ he started, before kissing each corner of Buck’s mouth, ‘and your smile, and the sound you make when I do this,’ he said, shifting to a whisper right in Buck’s ear, which, predictably, caused Buck to exhale audibly.
He ran his hand from Buck’s face down to his chest. ‘I love your body,’ he said slowly, casting his eyes too far downwards, which really wasn’t fair, but then he looked back up and met Buck’s eyes with his own, and ran his hand back up to Buck’s chest. ‘But most of all, I love this.’
His hand was on Buck’s heart. Buck flushed. ‘You mean my pecs?’ he asked, trying to come off as cocky, but Tommy quietened him with a kiss.
‘You have the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met,’ Tommy said, and, well, Buck loved a compliment, but this was too much even for him.
Not that he wasn’t thirsty for more.
‘You are loyal to a fault, and so strong, and resilient and tenacious and-’
‘Did you swallow a dictionary?’ Buck teased. ‘Because that sounds like a medical emergency, and I know a few people who can-’ Tommy quietened him again.
‘You are also way smarter than anyone gives you credit for,’ Tommy continued. ‘And I’ve seen how you keep your head in an emergency, Evan. And you always look incredible in the news coverage.’
‘You were keeping tabs on me,’ Buck teased.
Tommy smiled. ‘I might have done some googling after a certain basketball game.’
‘I can be very heroic,’ Buck said, and Tommy nodded, looking down at Buck’s lips.
‘The most,’ Tommy replied.
This time, when their lips met, the kiss was deeper. Hungrier.
Tommy’s hand made its way downwards, and the slowness of it was agonising. Buck wanted to grab it and take charge, but he managed to restrain himself.
‘Now is it time for the birthday sex?’ he practically begged.
‘Fuck, yes,’ Tommy murmured.
—
Buck was used to the screams.
As soon as he heard them he rolled out of bed and walked to the doorframe, pulling his phone off the charger so he could take it with him. He opened the door and left it open as he sat with his back to the wall in the corridor, not quite out of sight of the bed.
As the screams turned to sobs, the way they always did, Buck would have given anything to be there, holding Tommy, but by now he knew the drill. That didn’t stop the grief, though.‘ Come on, love’, he thought, willing Tommy to wake up.
He knew the second Tommy woke up, and saw him sit up in bed seconds afterwards. He could hear the way Tommy was gasping for air, counted to himself as he heard the gasps turn to heavy breaths and the breaths turn to quiet. It hadn’t taken too long, this time.
Almost a minute later, he heard Tommy call out. ‘Evan?’ His voice was strained.
‘I’m here,’ Buck replied gently. He stayed seated; this wasn’t his cue yet.
Another minute, and then Buck heard the shower turn on. He sighed with relief and pulled out his phone.
He liked a message that May had sent him on TikTok, one of those videos where parents had to pick which child was most likely to do an assortment of dumb things. And then push said child’s face into a bowl of flour, for some reason. ‘ We should do this with Bobby ,’ she’d said.
‘ No way,’ Buck replied. ‘ I’d be suffocating while you and Harry get to sit there being his favourites.’
‘Sorry Dad loves me more than u,’ May replied almost instantly.
Before Buck could come up with a decent response, he heard the shower taps turn off, and he put his phone down.
‘Evan?’ he heard Tommy call out again.
And finally, finally, Buck got to hold him while he cried.
—
This night was crazy.
It wasn’t a full moon. No-one had complained about it being qu**t. And no creepy bracelets were in sight.
But just because they hadn’t identified the source of the curse, it didn’t mean one didn’t exist.
How else could they explain the fact that the most time they’d had between calls was 4 minutes. Or, more egregiously, the fact that every single call had been over some minor incident.
Buck didn’t mind busy shifts with emergency after emergency when he was saving lives. In fact, he lived for them.
But the biggest emergency they’d attended to that day had been a cat up a tree.
And yeah, maybe the occasional cat up a tree wasn’t the worst call out to get. They usually had happy endings, at least.
But the fact that that was the biggest emergency they’d had?
Then there was the kid who’d gotten a pea stuck up their nose. The man who fell into a hole but had managed to get himself out before the 118 had even arrived. The heart attack that had been indigestion. The heart attack that had been a panic attack. The man stuck in the wall, which had turned out just to be a prank.
‘It’s a good thing,’ Hen had told him, clapping him on the shoulder as they hopped out of the fire engine for the umpteenth time. ‘It means that less people are actually getting hurt.’
She was right. But that just meant that Buck couldn’t even feel properly sorry for himself.
‘Is that your phone?’ Eddie asked once they got upstairs.
It was. Buck must have accidentally left it behind on their last call.
‘Is everything okay?’ he asked when he answered.
‘Yeah, Evan,’ Tommy replied. He was used to this greeting. ‘Just letting you know I got home safe.’
Buck smiled. ‘Oh. Good. Was work okay?’
Before Tommy could answer, the alarm blared again.
‘Sorry Tommy, I gotta go,’ Buck apologised.
‘No problem,’ Tommy said. ‘Love you.’
‘You too,’ Buck responded, then hung up.
Chimney ran out ahead of him. ‘For God’s sake, Buck,’ he started. ‘Stop taking that ring out. You know how that ends.’
Buck looked down. He didn’t even realise he’d been playing with the ring as he talked. He quickly slipped it back in the box, making sure he was absolutely certain it was in there, and put it away as quickly as he could before racing down to the fire engine.
‘Sorry guys, false alarm,’ Bobby said just after they’d done up their seatbelts. Apparently dispatch accidentally contacted us instead of police.’
They all groaned in unison.
—
Buck opened his eyes as Tommy crawled back into bed. He’d never been so tired in his life - not even after working twenty-four hour shifts during natural disasters. He rolled over. ‘Everything okay?’ he asked.
Tommy seemed to have fallen asleep before his head had hit the pillow.
Buck leaned in and kissed him on the forehead before quickly glancing at the baby monitor.
Satisfied that everything was fine, he let his eyes drift shut again.