Work Text:
Kuroo stares at the purple wall of the recording studio as if it will somehow show him the answer for what he has been trying to figure out for weeks now.
It is useless, as most things prove to be when he gets into a writing rut. In general, he knows better - knows that when he starts forgetting words and how to make the thoughts and feelings inside his brain take shape onto paper then it means that he needs a break. Except he just got back from a break. Except he is on a deadline and there is no time to lose.
Time has lost its meaning anyway. He has been inside the studio for so long he is not quite sure if outside is sunny or dark, and he does not quite remember the last time he had an actual meal either. But then again, that is just a byproduct of comeback season. It has been like this for years now, ever since he had debuted as a pop singer under Nekoma records. Routine, really, so he is not sure why he is struggling so much this time. Why the piles of paper in front of him remain blank, instead of piling up with scribbled lyrics and melodies. .
That is a lie, he knows well why things are not working. You see, Kuroo has dug himself into a hole. All of his 4 albums so far had been based on different eras of his life, and so he knew where to redirect his focus to pull inspiration from.
But now, here he is, facing the number 5 doodled onto the front page of his notebook, and unsure where to start, where to turn to in order to write. He has covered most of his life events, all of his dreams and family problems and sweet friendships that made him nostalgic. Where to go now?
A ping from his phone interrupts his overthinking. Kuroo sighs and picks it up, and opens the notification. Feels his breath getting stuck in his throat.
From: [email protected]
Subject: New voice on production team for KT5
Kuroo-san,
Some new information on the latest details for the upcoming project:
Music producer Kozume Kenma, known under the professional alias KODZUKEN, will be joining us as of next week to work on your new album. He has signed for at least 3 tracks, but his contract is open to include further collaboration if both parties agree.
We can discuss any other further details at our 11am meeting.
See you tomorrow,
Yaku Morisuke
Kuroo exhales slowly. He stares at his phone screen for an uncountable amount of seconds, until the screen turns completely dark.
He puts his phone away and picks up a pen.
๋࣭ ⭑✮⋆˙
Kuroo had heard the name Kozume Kenma many times, even after he stopped saying it out loud. It is hard to stop hearing about someone when you grew up together, when your families and their memories are all entangled in each other. When your own image of self is tangled into someone else's too.
Kuroo had met Kenma when they were 8 and 7 respectively. They had become inseparable from the start, extensions from one another.
“Never saw one without the other”, everyone said. Years later that would be a tagline in a song that Kuroo had refused to elaborate on.
The interest in music had been there from the start. Kenma’s parents loved music, always had something playing on the stereo whenever Kuroo came over. When Kuroo’s grandma had suggested it was time for Kuroo to start doing extracurriculars, he had cried for a week straight begging to have guitar lessons instead of chess or a sport. His grandma had agreed on piano lessons, a much more classical instrument. When Kuroo turned 13, he asked again to also do guitar lessons with the piano, claiming that Kenma was also going to learn the guitar. This time, his grandma had agreed.
Kenma joined him in weekly guitar lessons, and started learning about software used by indie music producers. He was also there for Kuroo’s first vocal lessons. It had been a hot summer evening on the way home after a long afternoon in the community music centre when Kuroo had proposed the idea of making a band together, and Kenma had agreed.
They grew up in transit. They had been children playing in abandoned fields with grasses up to their knees. They had been angsty, nervous pre-teens who claimed no one understood them. They had fallen in love with music, and how it had made them feel understood, together.
Kuroo dyed Kenma’s hair, both the first time and the upkeep every time his roots grew in too much, and Kenma always painted Kuroo’s nails when Kuroo was spending the weekend at his place. They had practised songs until neither of them felt like playing or singing, and then they had laid down side by side, pinky fingers intertwined as the songs of their favourite bands filled the room.
They had stolen kisses in rehearsal rooms, and held hands underneath tables. Had been each other's first everything.
Kenma had been his first heartbreak too. His very first betrayal. How special.
Kuroo had submitted their demo - his vocals, Kenma’s production, both of their guitars - to Nekoma records, a large producer. It had been accepted. It was supposed to be a night of celebration, it was supposed to be a good thing. It was supposed to be the beginning of it all, and not the ending.
When Kuroo had told him the news, Kenma had frozen, and then soured.
“You should have checked in with me first.” He frowned. “I don’t want to join Nekoma records. They are a massive label, there would be no freedom.”
“You don’t know that! Besides, if we became household names, we would certainly have at least some leverage.”
“That is a maybe, and counting IF we ever got big in the first place.”
“Of course we will make it big! Kenma, c’mon!”
“You will.” Kenma had said, resolute. “I’m not going.”
“Kenma, the dream was for us to sign together! Why do you not want to go?”
“I just have principles, that's all! I don’t even know why you want to join a label!”
“Why are you content with just posting covers on youtube? Is that really enough for you?”
“You will become a sell out.” Kenma had accused him, quiet and off putting.
“What is the point of making music no one will ever hear? This gives me a chance to share it, to actually become a musician and not just someone that talks about it!” Kuroo argued, frustrated. “If you didn't want to do this then why did you agree to it? Why say you wanted to join the band? Why help me with the demo?”
The silence that followed was loud and clear. Kenma had never thought they would make it in the first place.
Kuroo left Kenma’s house that night without looking back. He moved out the following week to the new apartment in the city centre - shitty and small but his - and refused to acknowledge Kenma’s name whenever his family brought him up.
He delivered his demo but pleaded to his producing team that his first album did not include the many lyrics about Kenma or written by him. For the most part, the team had conceded, granting that the new songs presented were in higher quality than the previous ones.
And just like that, piece by piece, Kuroo started erasing Kenma from his life. He went from his partner in crime, to an old friend he pretended to not quite remember the name. A blurry face in all of the pictures of his life.
His first album, LEFTBEHIND, had been released 8 months later, with only vague nods to golden eyes and no mention of Kozume Kenma at all.
๋࣭ ⭑✮⋆˙
They grow up in transit.
Kuroo slowly makes a name for himself in the industry. He does his best to ignore the booming sound of KODZUKEN growing on the production sound of things.
He knows he has been asked about him before. He knows people talk, even if his agency does a good job in repressing any rumours that do not fit their desires for him and his career. It’s hard to escape the buzz of people talking when all of his albums, and especially his first 3, were so autobiographical.
There are many questions about the boy with golden eyes that Kuroo calls the saviour of his childhood haze. The boy that disappears from his life later on. The boy that is so present in debut album and the following work, TOKYOYOUTH, and yet so absent in WE/ARE/BLOOD, Kuroo’s third studio album that had led him to blow up in the industry.
Everyone knows the area of Tokyo he grew up in. Which School he went to. Anyone that might know Kodzuken beyond his alias, a person and not a professional, might be able to put two and two together.
Kuroo is halfway through his first tour when he gets the news - a silly joke made by one of the production staff that had worked on projects with Kodzuken for a different artist. One of the rare people that had, in fact, realised and gotten proof that the two of them had known each other.
“It's so interesting how the both of you refer to each other as 'old friend” the man giggles, clearly two drinks too many in his blood. “But Kozume-san says it in the 'arch nemesis' type of way! And you…You always say in the 'same gender person that I've been in love for years now' type of way.”
Kuroo had left the hotel room in which they had been celebrating after that, feeling nauseous and claiming a deep need for sleep. He had avoided the man for the remaining 3 weeks of tour, and had insisted that he did not get hired in any of his future productions.
๋࣭ ⭑✮⋆˙
YOURSIDEOFTHECOURT had debuted in the top charts for 15 weeks straight. It had felt symbolic, somehow. It had also really settled Kuroo as a household name and cleared his fear of being a one hit wonder. Sure, WE/ARE/BLOOD had clearly made an impact, it had made Kuroo recognizable nationwide, it had made his face and voice known throughout all of asia. It had opened an immense amount of doors, from magazine covers to anime opening collabs. But YOURSIDEOFTHECOURT had had such an impact that the budget selected for him became over 3 times larger.
Which is why when preparing his 5th album, Kuroo had the best team. The best stylists, the promise of at least 2 high produced MVs and one with a “middle budget” that was more for that he got for his first album altogether. No lyricists, because Kuroo insisted on being the main voice behind his work although he dutifully credited any influence or feedback from his own friends in the industry or production team - and, of course, a wonderful team of producers to help him make sure he would get this album perfectly.
The concept was nostalgic, to pull from the roots of songs that Kuroo had listened to when he forest had gotten into the music scene. To focus on yearning for something that had been lost as a distant, blurry image. It was similar to his first album, but more mature - less parental focus, less sad, more of a “it was good while it lasted, i wish i could go back but also don't”. An album to show how Kuroo had grown as an artist, how the lonely kid of divorce in an empty room had become an adult with a big house that still had some space to fill.
Kuroo had been extremely proud of it, the songs he had drafted already, the aesthetic and the concept in itself. That was, of course, until Kozume Kenma walked into the room and it felt like rubbing salt on a wound that Kuroo hadn't realised was still open.
The greeting had been stiff but not exactly cold. All in all, it is absolutely ordinary, lasting no more than a minute, maybe 45 seconds. Kenma shakes his hand, looks him in the eye and tells him that it's a pleasure to work on this project with him, and that's it. He swiftly moves on to greet the other members of his band, some of the producers that had also been invited to help out with the album in this trial period, and then Kuroo's own management team - including an oddly fond greeting from Yaku.
For the first meeting, the focus is mostly on exploring some of the demos Kuroo had made already. They provide a basic track, something Kuroo felt encapsulated the proper mood for the album but without being a song he wanted to give too much focus on. They had 4 producers on board, and they were all great - providing solid feedback and innovating suggestions that matched the sound Kuroo had made so far.
And then KODZUKEN joined the conversation, and it was like something shifted.
Kuroo should have known, he really should. How could he have ever fooled himself into thinking that anyone could match Kenma - not KODZUKEN, but Kenma. Kenma, who had seen Kuroo through all his stages until he was 20 and leaving the Kozumes house for the last time. Kenma, who had seen him grow up from scared child to angsty teenager to confident adult. Kenma, who had been his pull towards music and the inspiration behind so much of his work even if Kuroo hadn't been ready to admit that. Kenma. His Kenma, still, even when he wasn't his anymore. Or maybe it was just that Kuroo was still his, despite it all.
๋࣭ ⭑✮⋆˙
They work in tandem. Side by side, day in day out.
Kenma matches his energy better than anyone he has ever worked with. Maybe it's because they have the same musical influences, maybe it's because Kenma is just that good, but still, even so, it never ceases to amaze Kuroo. To amaze everyone in the room.
Every new song comes out better than anyone had expected, Kuroo's lyrics shining through with unmatched sound, the mood settled for the album perfectly continuing the path so far while still having its own unique voice, a proof of musical evolution or an artist.
KODZUKEN's contract gets adjusted to include more and more songs, until he gets bumped into an official productor for the album in itself, while all the others remain as guests for different tracks.
Meanwhile, Kenma and Kuroo settle into an odd routine. Less stiff, but still awkward. Not because of the lack of familiarity, but due to the excess of it. 8 years later and they still know each other's breath patterns, favourite foods, the signs of exhaustion and excitement, the glint in their eye that means that a breakthrough is about to happen.
They can't breathe properly when they are left in the room alone, but they keep turning to each other first when they want to say something. When Yaku tells a joke, Kenma looks at Kuroo to see if he laughed. When Kenma stretches for over 15 seconds after working on a certain track for hours, Kuroo orders coffee for everyone and a healthy snack too. Kuroo starts a joke and Kenma finishes. Kenma hums a song and Kuroo picks up the guitar to play it.
They slowly start talking again. It's all hesitant, tentative, but still good, so good. Like coming home. Like listening to a favourite song you hadn't listened to in years. The last step of it all - finding footing in a long road they both had been walking for so long but had lost each other in. But here they were, paths crossed, eyes locked. Everything else unforgotten.
๋࣭ ⭑✮⋆˙
“I'm sorry.” Kenma says one day, out of the blue. It's just the two of them in the recording room, which had been a normal pattern so far - the both of them so engrossed into the work that they forget everything else. All of the other producers kindly let go as Kenma started working on more and more tracks, until the entire album was just his and Kuroo's voice, intertwined in song and production.
“For what?” Kuroo frowns, looking to see if Kenma had dropped something or messed something on the track they were mixing.
“You know what for.” Kenma says. He is sitting still, stiff as if he is afraid to move, eyes trained on the screen in front of him.
“Ah.” Kuroo looks down, lets out an embarrassed laugh. “It's ok. I made my peace with it. I shouldn't have walked away like that or cut you off. You were right.”
At his words, Kenma's head snaps up, eyes wide.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” He exclaims, sounding both shocked and annoyed. “Of course I wasn't right!”
“I mean, you had no reason to actually think I would make it, and you were right to be hesitant about creativity control, I certainly got lucky with Yaku but I've had plenty of songs be shot down by the company in itself before I got more popular, I guess.”
“Popular” Kenma scoffs “When WE/ARE/BLOOD came out it felt like I couldn't walk half a block without seeing your face on a billboard.”
Kuroo laughs at that, equally embarrassed and proud. A little flustered at the idea of Kenma seeing his face, again and again and again. Of being impossible to forget to him. The both of them unintentionally haunting each other.
“Hey, you made a name for yourself just fine. If I had a coin for every praise I heard for KODZUKEN I would open my own record label.” He teases, and Kenma rolls his eyes and turns to face away from him, but when he does Kuroo can see that the back of his neck is red. He bites his lip, satisfied.
“That's not the point. The point is that YOU were right. The point of music IS to be shared, to be listened to. You are an artist, of course you would want to do all possible ways to make it in the industry.” Kenma admits, shy. “And I always believed that you would make it. You were too good not to.”
“That's so not true.” Kuroo laughs, his entire body feeling like a live wire at Kenma's words, at this conversation alone. He can not believe they are sitting in the same room, talking about that night, 8 years later.
“It is true! I hate that you don't think it is.” Kenma turns to him now, so much more emotion colouring his voice that had been a second ago. Kuroo pauses, adjusts himself in his chair so they are facing each other properly now. Kenma takes a deep, deep breath before fully turning to him. “I always knew you would make it, but I also knew you wanted us to do it together. And that was terrifying Kuroo. I love my work, I love being KODZUKEN, but I was not made to be in front of the cameras. Going on a stage, being in front of the media, being a brand…I couldn't do that. I could never do that. I think I would hate it so much I would rather be no one. I would rather work in accounting and have the world's most boring life in the world than be scrutinised like you are.” He confesses, a little wet laugh at the end. “But I knew you wouldn't understand that. I knew you would see it for what it was back then - fear. I know myself better now to know that being away from a star role was the right call, but back then it was all just hesitancy and hypotheticals. I was just so fucking scared of it all, of all the changes and the industry. And I know you. You would have pushed me to get out of my comfort zone and go for it anyway, because that is what you have always done. And that is good sometimes, but not always. Not in things like this, that change your entire life from night to day. That can not be erased.”
“I'm sorry I made you feel like that.” Kuroo tells him, genuinely. “It was never my intention to make you feel like you couldn't talk to me about these things, to make you feel like I would push you no matter what you wanted to do in the end.”
“It's just who you are. Go getter, isn't that what you say in one of your songs?” Kenma laughs, and Kuroo laughs with him. Embarrassed but a little happy. Kenma knows his lyrics by heart, he can't shake that. The song he is quoting was not even a single in the previous albums. “I don't think you can help it but dream big and do everything that you can to get it. It's what I most admired in you, always. But it's just that some of us have different dreams. Not all of us want to be front and centre. Being a rockstar was not the only possible end goal to chase after.”
“Yeah, you are right. I don't think I would have understood that back then, but I do now.” Kuroo nods, slowly. “Thank you. For trusting me and telling me that. I am happy you did the right thing for you, even though it hurt.” They exchange a smile, softly, before Kuroo snickers. “You know they say that you talk about me as if I'm your archnemesis, don't you?”
“Yaku-san told me you talk about me as if I'm your ex-boyfriend you never got over.”
“Ouch” Kuroo lets out a low whistle. “Gonna have to remember to kick Yaku's ass because of that.”
“Was he lying?”
A heavy pause, before Kuroo laughs again.
“No, I guess he isn't too off track there.” When Kuroo looks up, Kenma looks awfully satisfied. Kuroo squints at him and Kenma lets out what could almost be a giggle, a sound airy and delicious that Kuroo hasn't heard in so long it makes him lightheaded. “Oh, you love that don't you?”
Kenma laughs even harder at that, and Kuroo wants to drink the sound.
“I won't lie and say that it didn't feel good to hear.” He admits, face a little flushed, curling on himself. “But it's not like I came out clean. I mean, who the hell has an archnemesis in 2024?”
“Oh yeah, they definitely think we didn't get along in school and you're just insanely petty or something.” They both laugh at that. “Can you imagine if they knew that this whole time this was because you didn't want to debut in a band with me?”
“Ah, it was worse than that, cmon.” Kenma laughs sadly, and his voice turns serious again. “I was so scared you would think I was a coward that I let you think I didn't believe in your potential. Kuro, I can't apologise enough for that. I'm so sorry I made you feel like I didn't believe in you.”
The nickname slips back into the conversation easily, like no time had passed at all.
“It's ok. I know that now.” Kuroo smiles at him. “Sorry for ditching you and ghosting you for 8 years” He laughs and Kenma giggles.
“Yeah, it was…Hard. Life without you.” Kenma smiles softly. “But good motivation too. Making sure I was connected to music. Making sure I was making my own dream come true.”
“That's good. You deserve all of your dreams to come true.”
“Not all of them have, though.”
“No?” Kuroo raises an eyebrow, and Kenma shakes his head, smiles coyly. “What is missing, then?”
“Had this pretty important person I kinda wanted to take over the world with. Might be able to do that now though, we are working on a pretty good project, pretty sure it will change the music industry.”
“Yeah?” Kuroo smiles, open and genuine, no space for playing cool. Kenma has known him too well for that anyway. “I think I might know exactly what you are talking about. I kinda think about it all the time actually.”
“Yeah?” It's Kenma's turn to ask, eyes glimmering, and Kuroo can't help but lean a little forward, a little closer. The same magnetic pull from 20 years ago, still shining through.
“Wanna tell me more about it over dinner?”
Even later, while Kenma showers after ordering them take out, Kuroo starts drafting another song - about golden eyes and red threads and how the inescapability of some things.
๋࣭ ⭑✮⋆˙
Is there such a thing as forgetting? Can you ever erase someone from your life, when there has been so much love that all the colours you see have been shaded by them? When all memories will forever be tinted by a filter of feelings, let that be joy or rage or heartbreak?
Humans were made to be connected - Kuroo knows that. The point of life is to love and to let yourself be loved, to reach for others and to not let go.
Pay attention. Do not let go.
They say the human sheds all its dead skin in a span of 7 years, and so if one thinks about it,after a certain amount of time it will be like you are born anew. Body untouched by your past and those who belong in it. But the body and the Self are different things. The skin and the heart are both organs, except the heart is much more stubborn.
Which is to say - you can never be untouched by those that you have loved. There is no point in fighting, and so the human condition is this: to carry around all the memories, the pain, the nostalgia, the joy that can never come back - and the promise to find it and feel it all of it again and again. That is our burden to carry and our purpose to live.
All of this, and love too.
๋࣭ ⭑✮⋆˙
When the last track is finally done, and Kuroo's 5th album is considered officially done and ready, Kenma takes him by the hand, leads him out of the office so they can share a celebratory cigarette before going back for the final meeting and all the paperwork. Kuroo covers both of Kenmas hands, his lighter and mouth, makes a protective cover against the wind so Kenma can light up his cigarette, and then softly tells him off for smoking, even if they both know that Kuroo will definitely steal a drag or two later.
Later, when it's all said and done, signed and officialized and the release date is set, Kuroo laces their fingers and takes Kuroo home with him. Kenma goes easily, like it was his home as well. Like he had been waiting to be asked. Like he would follow Kuroo anywhere now, because wherever Kuroo was going then Kenma was just meant to be there too. It just had taken them a little while to find each other again. But they were here now - like the mellow, stable part after the chorus of a song, the satisfaction after a good crescendo. The indication of a good, well constructed work of music, the start of a perfect album. The best part of a song is when it ends and you immediately play it back. When you know the lyrics by heart, like the palm of your hand, but it doesn't erase the excitement of it all, the thrill of each new note.
A favourite song, starting to play all over again.
๋࣭ ⭑✮⋆˙
01/05/2024
@kuroot94 has uploaded a new photo
[photo description: Kuroo, looking away from the camera, towards a sunrise, on a modern balcony. He is wearing pyjama pants with a cat print on it and a black hoodie with the Bouncing Ball logo associated with Kodzuken merch. His hair is messy. He is holding a mug also shaped like a calico cat head. You can see that his nails are painted black.]
Caption: My new album drops at midnight today. ALLOFTHIS(and love too) is about the person that inspired me to get into music and was a muse that I tried to deny for a very long time. Some might even call them my soulmate or something like that. I don’t know about all of that, but I know my life is better because they are in it.
I hope you enjoy all the 20 tracks that cover all the years we have known each other and the joy and the pain of growing up in transit and in parallel with someone else. It might be my favourite work yet.
Produced by @KODZUKEN. Photo by Kozume Kenma.