Chapter Text
It all started when Elrond became more and more irritable. Erestor first didn’t know why is lover broke into an argument so often, it sometimes even seemed like the half-elf was searching a fight, but then he found out about what had been troubling Elronds mind.
The fact he only found out through eavesdropping saddened him. It looked like Elrond didn’t trust him enough to confide in him about the matters of his heart.
The half elf had been talking to Arwen when he mentioned Celebrian, his former wife.
It was about three centuries ago, that Celebrian left for Valinor after being captured by orcs. The specific date was nearing and Elronds heart ached for his wife. He somehow didn‘t seem to notice how hurt Erestor was by the fact that Elrond had ignored and avoided him for the last week.
The half-elf hadn‘t even slept in the same bed as Erestor during that time.
Sighing, Erestor leaned back on the bench, he was sitting on. He had hid himself in a rather secluded part of the gardens. Barely anyone ever came by, so Erestor often came here to think.
„Erestor, what are you doing here?“ Someone asked. Erestor turned his head in shock and saw Glorfindel standing only a few feet away. The advisor frowned, he hadn‘t even noticed Glorfindel entering the garden.
„Thinking.“ He mumbled absently, his heart hurt and his thoughts were clouded by hurt and pain, before looking up at the warrior.
Glorfindel had a sad look in his eyes and sat down next to Erestor. „Whats wrong?“ He asked while carefully wrapping an arm around him.
„Elrond has been ignoring me.“ Erestor mumbled. Glorfindel knew of his self-esteem problems and the still present doubt that anyone would every commit to loving him.
„He is grieving for Celebrian, isn‘t he?“ Glorfindel asked wearily. The half-elf in question was always very irritable when his marriage anniversary with his wife came around. He tended to even forget his duties from time to time, which Erestor had to compensate for.
Erestor opened his mouth to say something, but he closed it again, hesitant to speak his thoughts. „Whats on your mind?“ Glorfindel asked and smiled at him sadly. Erestor sighed and his shoulders fell.
„Is it wrong that I feel hurt about him still loving Celebrian so much?“ Erestor asked quietly. It pained Glorfindel that Erestor hurt so much, though there wasn‘t much he could do against it.
„Talk to Elrond, he should understand your pain or at least validate your feelings.“ Glorfindel said. „And no, it is not wrong that you feel that way. He has treated you unfairly.“
„Are you sure?“ Erestor lifted his gaze again and looked Glorfindel in the eye. The sad expression clearly written on his face.
„Very sure. You know just as well as I do, that Elrond is a very understanding elf.“ Glorfindel said, trying to lift up his friends spirits.
Erestor said something, but Glorfindel couldn‘t hear it, because the bells in the tower rang and signalled that it was 6 pm already. Dinner was going to be served soon.
„What did you say? I couldn‘t hear it.“ Glorfindel asked, but Erestor only bit his lip and shook his head.
„It not of any importance.“ Erestor said, internally also referring to his own feelings. A tear was threatening to flow down his cheek, so he hastily blinked it away.
„We should go, lest we will draw attention on us when we enter the hall.“ Erestor said, he didn‘t want to spread any gossip about himself, because he knew how talk active the elves of Imladris were and that he also didn‘t look all to happy.
„Alright.“ Glorfindel said. He knew that Erestor didn’t feel any less depressed than he did before the blond joined him., but he hoped, that Erestor now knew that he could confide in him.
His friendship with Erestor was old, older than most of the elves living in Imladris. They were both from Gondolin, even back then Erestor seemed like a lonely elf. As the slightly younger twin of Ecthelion, he was often forgotten. The warrior and the advisor. Back in the times when Gondolin still stood, the former was seen as a more noble way of live than sitting behind a desk and advising their King on matters like agriculture.
As an opposite of Ecthelion, Erestor had only a handful friends, while Ecthelion was on of the most popular elves in Gondolin. Glorfindel, though, found Erestors calm demeanour quite nice and decided to befriend the black haired elf. Soon they grew to be best friends and nearly inseparable before his death.
Shaking his head, Glorfindel came back to reality and banned those memories into a far corner of his minds. He stood and offered Erestor his arm, a small smiled tugged on the others lips, before he took it.
Together, they walked back to the last homely house. Erestor had an arm linked in Glorfindels and enjoyed the small but kind gesture. „Thank you, Fin.“ He mumbled and was glad he didn‘t feel that crushing weight on his chest for a short while.
„Always, that’s what friends are for, meldir.“ Glorfindel answered with a smile and opened the doors to the dinning hall for them. He led Erestor to the main table were Elrond already sat in his usual spot - at the head of the table.
The two chairs to his right were empty, Erestors and Glorfindels usual seats. Erestor always sat to Elronds right. It was not only his spot because he was his chief counsellor, but also because he was Elronds lover.
„Glorfindel sit down, I need to talk with you.“ Elrond said while pointing at Erestors usual seat. The half-elf was completely ignoring the hurt look in the others eyes, for Erestor had hoped, that he would be able to talk with Elrond during dinner.
„But its Erestors spot. Why should we switch seats?“ Glorfindel asked confused and nearly felt the hurt his friend was feeling.
„Because I need to talk to you specifically.“ Elrond answered. „Would you disobey your lord?“
Glorfindel frowned, Elrond had never used that card on them so it felt a bit off when he did it now.
Erestor decided to comply to his lover at sat down on Glorfindels spot. He sighed quietly and his shoulders slumped a bit, he cast a short but hurting glance towards Elrond, who acted like he wasn‘t there.
Depressed, Erestor began his meal knowing that he wouldn‘t be able to eat much anyways. His stomach felt off and he didn‘t look up during the whole meal.
It was until Glorfindel took his hand, that he drifted into his thoughts and lost touch with reality. „Yes?“ He asked and shook his head slightly, before looking Glorfindel in the eye.
„Are you alright?“ Glorfindel asked quietly, so that Elrond couldn‘t make out what they said. Erestors eyes, on the other hand, moved to look at Elrond for not even an entire second, before looking back at him. He didn‘t need to say anything, for even without words, Glorfindel knew what Erestor meant.
/Ask him for a moment, you two need to have a talk./ Glorfindels voice rang in Erestors mind. The both of them were able to farspeak, Elrond was as well but only used it when necessary. The two friends often communicated through mind speech, especially when the blond was on patrol.
/I don’t know if he will just ignore the request…. and me./ Erestor answered and carefully looked at Elrond.
The half elf was looking into the distance and Erestor wondered, if it was Celebrian he was thinking about. Biting his lip with one of his canines, he looked down at the table and repressed the urge to just confront Elrond about what was going on.
/Talk to him, or I will./ Glorfindel threatened. That was all it took for Erestor to give in. /I will, but the blame is on you should it make things worse./ The advisor said, before waiting for Elrond to excuse himself.
The half elf had finished his meal and didn‘t seem like he was up for a friendly conversation with any of the other advisors so he stood and was on his way to leave the hall, when Erestor followed him.
„Melindo, can we talk?“ Erestor asked, while catching up with his lover. Elrond sighed, Erestor couldn‘t tell if it was from annoyance or disappointment. „Erestor, I‘m tired, can we not talk another time.“ He said while only sparring him a small glance.
„You‘ve been ignoring me for the past week. What is wrong? Did I do something?“ Erestor inquired, when they reached their shared quarters.
„I haven‘t been ignoring you.“ Elrond said with an irritated look in his eyes.
„Yes you have, you have been distant, cold and not even sleeping in the same bed as me. I feel like I‘m intruding in your life.“ Erestor said, so concentrated on trying to sound normal and not letting himself get overwhelmed with emotions, that he didn‘t realise how Elrond was getting more and more irritated by every spoken word.
„Elrond, meleth, talk to me. I‘m here for you.“ Erestor said and wrapped the peredhel in a hug.
The embrace didn‘t last long as Elrond pushed Erestor forcefully away from him. Erestor had accidentally triggered a nerve by calling Elrond „meleth“, an endearment Celebrian had always used on him.
Now, Elrond stood in front of his lover, eyes blazing with fury and fists clenched. „I don’t want to talk to *you*, I don’t want *you* here.“ The elven lord said, getting louder with each word.
Erestor started feeling his heart break and took a step back, Elronds sudden anger was frightening him just as much as it was hurting him. Yet, Erestor didn‘t know the pain of real heart break until Elrond spoke his next words.
„Why couldn‘t they have taken you?! Why had it been Celebrian?“ He said in anger and stopped for a moment when he realised what he had wished upon the one he had claimed to love.
Erestor looked at him with big and sad eyes, he held his hand in the middle of the air, as if he was reaching out to Elrond. His shoulders fell, for the myriadth time today, and tears were threatening to roll down his cheeks.
Without saying another word, Erestor left the rooms, not surprised when Elrond didn‘t come after him.
He thought about going to Glorfindel, but he just wanted to be alone at the moment. His knees were threatening to give out and he wished to be able to let all the tears out, but he couldn‘t do it in the middle of a hallway.
So, he decided to hide and wait for the morning to come. Then he would think about how he could continue his life.
His hiding spot was on top of a little cliff, he would have a beautiful view over the entire valley and could make out a few shapes, for the light of Tilion was casting onto the waters of the bruinen.
It was a full moon, so it was relatively bright. Bright enough for Erestor to find his way to his secret spot.
A small patch of grass, a Tree and some closed flowers adorned it. Only few people knew of this place, and even less people knew how to get here.
When Erestor sat down, the tears were beginning to flow and he sobbed as quiet as possible, pulling his knees towards his chest. His heart broke more and more, every time he thought about his (former?) lover. The pain made him shiver and he released a pain wail into the night.
After what felt like hours, there were no more tears to shed for Erestor. He felt somewhat numb and his head was nearly empty of thoughts. The remaining ones were circling around one person, and one person only.
Elrond.
Erestor had known from the start of their relationship, that he couldn‘t possibly compete with Celebrian or Gil-galad, for one was the mother of his children and the other one was the high king of the Noldor, but there was always hope for him. Hope that Elrond would still love him as if he were to most special elf on Arda.
In the end, Erestor gave more to Elrond, than he took.
When the half-elf had a nightmare, Erestor had been the one to take care of him. When Advisors started to doubt their lord, because he had felt weaker than usual because of another nightmare or his grief, then Erestor stood up for him. Elrond always had a shoulder to cry on when he needed to let it all out.
Erestor had always hoped, that someday Elrond would realise that Erestor also needed him. That the chief counsellor was having his own demons to fight. That he also wished for affection in turn. A small kind touch there, holding his hand while they walked together and so on.
Elrond had set certain boundaries, to make sure Erestor wouldn‘t do anything any of Elronds former lovers said, else the half elf would feel triggered and break out into tears.
One of those things Erestor nearly resented him for now, was that they had never held hands or sat together in the gardens, for Elrond had always done that with Celebrian.
Thinking about it, Erestor knew, that their relationship was doomed from the start. Elrond was unable to let go of his demons, and Erestor had to compensate for that.
This realisation hurt and Erestor let his head fall onto his knees, before starting to cry again. When the numb feeling intensified, Erestors hand sneaked to the dagger that was fastened to his belt.
He knew he shouldn‘t do this, but thinking about the pain that he would feel made his decision easy. Taking a calming breath, he rolled up his sleeve and set the blade against his skin.
Cut after cut, most of them were bleeding slightly and starting to burn, but to Erestor, that pain was relieving. As if he was finally able to breath and feel again. He leaned against the tree and shed silent tears, before wiping his blood of the dagger and sliding it into the sheath again.
From Tilions position in the night sky Erestor could tell that the sun would be rising in an hour or two. He didn’t want to face the day. Didn‘t want to face Elrond, especially now that he had to return to Elronds quarters – It didn‘t feel right for Erestor to call them their shared quarters. Those rooms were Elronds, into which Erestor moved into after their relationship had grown to be more serious.
The blood on his arm was drying, but the burn didn‘t fade and Erestor was glad for that.
The tears weren‘t lessening, they were streaming down his cheeks. Lost in thought, Erestors head shot up, when he heard a cracking sound behind him. He cursed himself for not noticing someone advancing. Praying to the Valar, he hoped that someone wasn‘t an orc or any other creature of Morgoth.
His hand moved towards the hilt of his dagger when that approaching someone suddenly spoke.
„Its you.“ Someone said. Erestor didn‘t even need to turn his head to know that it was Glorfindel that had found him. „What happened, meldir?“ The blond asked, before sitting down next to him and noticing Erestor bloodied arm. His expression grew sad as he also noticed Erestors tears.
Instinctively leaning onto Glorfindel, Erestor mumbled something, he couldn‘t really understand. „Meldir, I couldn‘t understand you, what happened?“ Glorfindel asked again, taking Erestors hand and stroking his thumb over its back.
He felt Erestor relax against him and a strangled sob left him. „Elrond doesn‘t want to talk to me. He wishes that the orcs had taken me and not Celebrian.“ Erestor said while squeezing his eyes shut.
Glorfindel made a pitying sound, while wrapping an arm around his friend and pulling him close. „I just don’t want to be alone anymore. I just want to be loved.“ He cried, while Glorfindel was rocking him slightly.
Not knowing what to say Glorfindel let Erestor cry and ramble on as long as he needed. He repeated the phrase „I just want to be loved“ several times, and each time, Glorfindels heart felt as if it was squeezed by a hand.
„He is cruel.“ Glorfindel just said while stroking over Erestors hair. „You deserve better than him, meldir.“
„If I deserve better, than why did I never find someone better?“ Erestor said defeated. He had given up, in all his years on arda, he had only lost his heart to one person and that had been Elrond. He doubted that he would ever find someone that he would love as much as he loved the half elf.
„Maybe your second half is waiting for you in another elven realm or maybe even in Valinor, but I know that they are out there somewhere. No elf is made to be alone forever.“ Glorfindel said, which made Erestor look up.
„Then what about you? You never took a serious lover.“ Erestor asked doubting Glorfindels theory.
„I have lost my heart to someone special. Though I know that he doesn‘t love me.“ Glorfindel explained and was glad when Erestor didn‘t inquired any further, but rather stayed silent.
The advisor was brooding and shaking slightly. The chill autumn night was colder than expected and Erestor had been feeling cold the entire night by now.
Glorfindel noticed and wrapped his cloak around both of them, making sure that Erestor was feeling warm. „How did you find me?“ Erestor asked.
A smile tugged on Glorfindels lips as he explained. „I couldn‘t sleep, so I was walking in the gardens. I think I heard your sobs, so I looked up to your small hide and saw you, thanks to the moonlight.“ He said and Erestor also smiled slightly.
„Thank you for looking for me.“ Erestor said, while he relished in Glorfindels warmth, that was enveloping.
„Always.“ Glorfindel answered and pulled Erestor carefully closer to himself, enveloping him in a tight hug.
Staying silent for a while longer, they heard the birds waking and the light of Arien was already visible on the horizon.
„Erestor, I have one last question.“ Glorfindel said, before he knew they both had to get up. „How will you continue from now on?“
Erestor shrugged slightly. „I think it depends on how today will go. If I can work with Elrond and he realises that what he did- said- was wrong, then maybe I will be able to stay in my position.“ He explained with a hollow voice.
„And if not?“ Glorfindel nearly didn‘t dare to ask but the possible outcome was eating at him.
„Then I will leave Imladris, maybe I will join Thranduil or Celeborns court, maybe I will sail. I don‘t know.“ Erestor sighed, taking Glorfindels hand in his.
„No!“ The blond exclaimed loudly. „You cant leave. What will I do without you?!“
„Oh Fin, you have so many friends here. You don’t need to fear that you will be alone. I‘m not irreplaceable, I‘m nothing special.“ Erestor asked before Glorfindel embraced him tightly.
„Never say that again, Eri. To me, you are the most special being in this entire world.“ Glorfindel grumbled and buried his head on Erestors shoulder. The chief counsellor was surprised by this statement and just hugged Glorfindel back. Erestor noticed how his robe got damp with tears, were Glorfindel had rested his face.
The blond was crying, and that because of him.
„No,no,no.. don‘t cry. Fin don‘t cry. I‘m not worth shedding a tear over.“ Erestor said while trying to pull away, but Glorfindel didn‘t let him.
„Don’t. Don’t say that. You are worth every tear I can shed.“ Glorfindel said while keeping his best friend close. „Promise me not to leave.“ He begged, sounding like a small child clinging to its mother.
„I can‘t promise that I will be able to stay here, but I promise not to sail.“ Erestor said, managing to calm Glorfindel a bit down.
After they let go of each other, Glorfindel offered Erestor his arm again, wishing for his friend to be close with him. Erestor took it and walked with Glorfindel back to their home.
Just shortly before they arrived, Glorfindel noticed that Erestors sleeve was still rolled up, so he halted in his movements and Erestor came to a halt too, nearly falling over by the abruptness of Glorfindels move.
„Your sleeve.“ Glorfindel said, before letting go of Erestors arm and carefully, not to touch the wounds, he rolled it down. Erestor stared at him with an unreadable expression and took his arm again, when they continued walking. „We will take care of them later.“ Glorfindel decided and Erestor knew that he couldn‘t argue with the stubborn warrior.
„Thank you.“ He whispered, smiling weakly, and steeled himself for having to see Elrond during breakfast again.