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The smell of rotten flesh was still hung on the air .the night stretched .long and unforgiving.there were still corpses laying around the battlefield some who died in tonight's battle some who have been dead for years now .allies and enemies alike .wei wuxian played the last note of rest on his dizi before tucking it into his belt and moving back to the camp .
The camp was still as he left it, deadly quite . Everyone was worn out from the fight that has been going for three years now. wei wuxian was seventeen when the war had started.now at twenty one . his hands soaked with so much blood and his soul drenched in so much grief it was poisoning him inside out .
The walk back to his tent was quite except for the sound of his worn out boots and the rustling of his robes . An unknown figure was standing at the opening of his tent .tall frame and straight posture gave him a guess at who that person may be . The camp was dark .fire was a risk of exposing their location to the enemy.and they were not in a position of taking such chances .not with so many losses and so little supplies .
"Lan zhan"
His voice was scratched .low with a hint of hesitation in it . The man in question turned to face him .he can barely make the outlines of his white ribbon in the little shades provided by the moonlight.
"Wei ying"
He said with the intensity of someone who had found something he thought he had lost forever .and that was the confirmation wei wuxian did not think he needed in the first place .
From far away he looked as composed as always .his voice though gave him away.if it wasn't for the shake in his tone .and if wie wuxian had not known better he would have said that the second perfect jade was crying .wei wuxian would have thought he had come here to fight him again. But that doesn't seem like the case .he know lan wangji or he thought that he did .during their days of study he had went out of his way to get the other boy's attention.driving him out of his comfortable rules and daring him to follow up .to challenge him .to fight him.to be his friend . But that was then .and now...well now lot of things had changed
"lan zhan, is there something that you need?"
Worries were eating at his heart, what other reason had brought lan wangji here in such a time if it wasn't to fight him, questioning him on where was he wandering at such a time
They were still using their birth names to adress each other .which was not appropriate for where their relationship had come to .but who cares about being appropriate while in a war? He hated to admit it but this simple thing had brought him some kind of comfort . Memories of days now looks so old .so unreal .far away from everything they had became .everything the war made them be. Lan wangji was clutching at his sleeves .he could not see but he could hear the small sound of lan wangji's fingers cracking .his own bones screaming in protest. Wei wuxian's heart grew more uneasy by it.
" i was looking for wei ying"
He said finally after wei wuxian was convinced that he was going to stand here the whole night waiting for an answer he was not sure he wanted to hear. Now that its here .he did not know what to do with it.
"What for lan zhan? Did something happen during my absence?"
He knew how lame his question was .if something had really happened they wouldn't be standing here to have such an odd conversation.but he was at loss of words .for all of his good socialising skills .it is nothing in times like this.when lan zhan stand right in front of him and look at him.really look at him and not avoiding his gaze like some sort of a plague . With so much sadness behind his golden eyes that made wie wuxian's stomach twist .
"Nothing happened"
Wei wuxian nod his head.not knowing what to say more than that .so they just stood there staring into each other .the feeling of dreed in wei wuxian's stomach only grows to consume him whole when he notice the tear slipping down the flawless face he so much adore.when he could finally find his voice he moved toward the tent and open it motioning for lan wangji to come in.
"Why don't you come in lan zhan? Its cold to stand outside"
Lan wangji silently move in and wei wuxian follow behind him.his heart was hammering mercilessly in his chest .he lit a small candle and invited lan wangji to sit at the only mat in the tent that he was using to sleep in the good days when he can get any .it was old and ragged and he felt somehow embarrassed to let wangji sit on such a dirty thing but it was all he have for now .wangji as he had been since he saw him tonight moved without a word to sit neatly on the mat leaving space for wei wuxian to sit near him .
"Lan zhan lan zhan isn't it past your bed time what are you doing still awake in such a late hour?"
He tried to sneak some cheer into his tone ,a pitiful attempt to bring some of the comfort the past used to offer.but his voice was tired even to his own ears.it was tired and miserable and he was about to start crying soon in front of lan zhan and end up embarrassing himself.and making lan zhan even more uncomfortable.
"Couldn't sleep "
He was still looking at wei wuxian like he would disappear if he moved his eyes an inch away from him .wei wuxian was about to ask why when lan wangji started talking again with a haunted look in his eyes.a flash of pain so raw it made wei wuxian flinch .
"Had a nightmare"
Wei wuxian did not wish to interrupt whatever lan wangji was about to confess so he sat there as still as a rock and looked wangji in the eyes with the patient of someone who would wait his whole life to hear the next words lan wangji would say or may not like to say .
he Waited anyway.however after a long pause lan wangi resumed talking .and the words he was trying to say were like little needles sticking over his tongue all the way down his throat and into his heart .he was bleeding grief all over wei wuxian .
"Couldn't save wei ying"
Oh. Wei wuxian flinched once again.this time out of pure shock .he prepared himself to help wangji out of anything he was struggling with.he knew from a personal experience how cruel nightmares are after being surrounded by all of the war ruins. He dreams of the dead he awaken to fight for him.he dream of yilling and his parents leaving for the very last time .he dream of lotus pier falling, burning .
he dream of the boy he so much adore drenched in blood, lifeless in his hands, still ,like the most beautiful jade statue in this whole world
and oh he so much understand.
"I am fine lan zhan ....it was just a dream you see? Its fine."
His hand moved to reach for lan wangji , stopping only when he was able to feel the heat radiating from the body beside him. Painfully close and yet not touching . Lan wangji hated when people were getting close to him let alone touching him so wei wuxian did not. The heat though did so many things to wei wuxian freezing cold hand.how was he trying to offer comfort to lan wangji with hands so cold they will make him flinch away in more discomfort and bring him nothing but the assurance that wei wuxian was indeed dead .and could not be saved .the heat of wangji was comforting him.anchoring him and drawing him closer to the warm in these golden eyes.which was the last and only thing he needed now .
Lan wangji's eyes moved to look at the poor excuse of connection between them .he eyed the hand wei wuxian was offering him.and then moved his own hand to held into it ,his grip was tight and slightly shaky .he was holding wei wuxian pale calloused hand as if it was the only thing keeping him into this world. As if that hand held his very bones together and if he ever let it go he may just break down into so many pieces that could never find its way back to what it was before.
"Lan zhan"
Wei wuxian was shocked by the sudden movement then he was panicking. If lan wangji tried to reach and feel his spiritual power he will find nothing but the empty void that was tearing a hole through his chest . He tried to pull his hand away but lan wangji grip was tight and he did not let go.
"Wei ying"
Lan wangji spoke his name with so much plea it made wei wuxian heart twist in pain .lan zhan should have never used that tone.not with him.not with anyone.but especially not with him .the boy he loathed the most.
"Wei ying please"
The rush of his own blood was unbearably loud .the world narrowed into the space between them .lan wangji pleading voice cracking and hurting almost made his ears bleed . He was hurting lan wangji once again . Bringing him into his knees .making him beg for something wei wuxian could not give him,what kind of cruelty was that?.
"I can't "
He said and there was not the usual venomous anger in these two words.there were only raw agony and despair.he can't he can't.he can't.how can he?
"Lan zhan I can't...if i ever stopped we will lose..i ...will lose ...i have nothing left but this..lan zhan please ..do not make me..please"
It was the closest thing to the truth he had ever offered lan wangji .he can't and he really wish that he can .why walk the cracked dark path if he had any other choice? This was all he had .
"Wei ying ..tell me"
Lan wangji was gripping on whatever explanation wei wuxian was ought to give.anything that may soothe this dreadful feeling of grief inside him .he needed wei wuxian to give something to work with.share a problem that they can both together solve .he was so tired of being brushed to the side with nothing more than sheer cruelty that he knew wei wuxian wasn't keen on using.
"I want to help wei ying"
He said and wei wuxian flinched at the thought of help that may come in a shape of a discipline wipe breaking through his bony frame till he was a mess of broken bones and scarred skin.good for nothing.
Lan wangji in front him seemed incapable of such cruelty but lan wangji from these years ago dragging him into the discipline hall to get beaten over the smallest of things was . He did not hate him for it .he can't even if he wanted to.he loved him so much it hurts. It had always hurt.
"Lan zhan...once this war is over i will let you beat me for as much as you want .you can kill me after if that is what you wish .i will let you drag me bloody and ashamed in front of them all . And i will not hate you for it .not even a bit"
If lan wangji believed that he needed to be punished for his crooked methods then be it.if lan wangji only way of saving him was making him pay for the damage and imbalance he had brought into this world so be it .he won't mind dying on his hands .he would go in peace knowing that these hands he loved gave him one and last embrace. even if it was through the blow of a sword piercing his heart .wei wuxian was more than willing to die but there were things to be done first .a war he needed to win and beloved people he should protect.
"Can never hurt wei ying"
Lan wangji's voice snapped him out of his thoughts and he blinked his eyes to see that lan wangji had gone more pale .his head shaking in denial .a gesture wei wuxian had never saw him use before.he looked so young .so much not like himself .
"Can never hurt wei ying . I want to take wei ying back to gusu and hide him there ,want wei ying to be safe " his words were rushed and messy ,his hands were gripping wei wuxian with more force .he looked terrified at the sheer idea of touching wei wuxian with an intent to harm him.
"Lan zhan ...don't you hate me?"
Wei wuxian asked even when the answer to that question was in front of him.but he could not bring himself to believe it .how can he?when he had spent all of these years thinking lan wangji hated the sheer presence of him.and how can he not when lan wangji made it so obvious in his every move toward him.when he ignored all the times wei wuxian talked to him ,when he told him to get lost ,when he even refused to touch him and called everything he said or did ridiculous .wei wuxian knew he was indeed ridiculous and annoying but hearing it from the only person he really cared about what he thought of him was like a knife digging through his heart ,twisting and tearing.
He never hated it when lan wangji got mad .he provoked him into it but after all these years of longing for him and craving his attention it was only obvious that wei wuxian was indeed ridiculous and he should have gotten lost and let the second jade be . He pitied himself then he was grossed out with himself cause what gave him the audacity to think that lan wangji may look at him in such a way .lan wangji was so righteous and pure.he was bound by rules his whole life .treasuring them and following them with a dedication wei wuxian can never understand. He had held himself so high his whole life and he won't bother looking down at the mess of a person wei wuxian was .
"Never hated wei ying"
In the little candle light lan wangji's ear grew red .the weight of lan wangji's words came crushing on wei wuxian head .his eyes were averted to the side as if he was ...shy?
"Lan zhan...never hated me? Then...why.."
He trailed off.why were you ignoring me why were you avoiding me why you hated touching me...why....why?. Lan wangji was looking at him now .the flush was spreading from his ears into his neck and disappearing down his robes.he looked so beautiful . Beautiful like a god .the eternal untouchable beauty that haunted all of wei wuxian's dreams ever since he was a mere teen. wei wuxian's breath hitched and he felt like the world was running out of air,that he was running out of breath .he was drowning .he was going down the water but he never wanted to see the surface again.he would
So gladly drown and choke and die on the alter of the god lan wangji was. Even in his boldest dreams he never thought of it being like this.of lan wangji looking at him so openly with so much desperation and want he can taste it on his tongue.
"Lan zhan ...you...i ..never thought..."
Lan wangji's braced himself for whats to come.rejection or disgust which was worse he did not know .but it was coming and he thought he was ready but he was not .wei wuxian was stunned he was looking at him with a blank face . his mouth slightly cracked .he looked dazed .lost and lan wangji thought that was it.whatever will come out of wei wuxian mouth can never be what he had been hoping for .he shouldn't have come here .he shouldn't have cried .he should have stored that nightmare and all of that grief with every other thing he feel for wei wuxian .keep these wanton thoughts away from the man.
"Wei ying is not obligated to give an answer ...I apologise for being inappropriate"
Lan wangji's voice was tight .the edges of his eyes were growing red from holding back his tears .he get up to leave but wei wuxian hands were faster and dragged him down .he stumbled in surprise losing his balance and wei wuxian took the opportunity to pull him into his lap. He moved out of sheer panic .the thought of lan wangji leaving without knowing the real answer made him nauseous.only after lan wangji elegant frame was placed into his lap that he realised how inappropriate such a situation is .
Lan wangji's warm body was pressing against him everywhere . It had been years since he had felt so warm .Not since he had lost his core .the feeling was so overwhelming he found himself embracing lan wangji closer as if trying to open his own chest and put him in there.lan wangji's breath hitched and he was frozen like a rock in his hands.wei wuxian tightened his embrace and placed a long kiss over his hair .lan wangji's hair smelled just like him and wei wuxian felt like he was getting more dazed with every scented breath he took.the smell of sandal wood was putting his brain into a state of fog.he was not thinking .he stoped thinking the moment lan wangji was in his arms.
"Love you,loved you always ...lan zhan i never thought that you may feel the same .all of these years i really loved you so much it hurts .i wanted you to look at me i wanted you to see me i wanted your attention so bad it hurts.and then ....then i have to tell you something lan zhan ...you need to know cause i don't want you to hate me ....please don't hate me lan zhan i know i said it was fine but it's not fine i don't want you to hate me ...i really don't have another path to walk on .the demonic cultivation is all i have left...my core lan zhan...i lost it ..it's gone.it has been gone for three years now and i still forget and reach for it only to find nothing ..i don't have any other chance you understand don't you?"
Wei wuxian broke down after years of choking down that secret .he felt so raw and vulnerable ,so desperate for lan wangji's steady presence beside him after all of the times he reached for him and found no one but dead spirits or corpses .it was getting so hard for him to bear .all of these times his eyes followed lan wangji's every move throughout the battle and after.then arguing with him when he opposed his demonic methods .it was suffocating.having to treat wangji so harshly.to push him away when he wanted nothing but to drag him close and lean over his so strong shoulder where wei wuxian can close his eyes and let his guards down and finally rest .
Lan wangji flinched in his arms .he took hold of wei wuxian hand and tried reaching for his core.wei wuxian too hoped that lan wangji may find something.he wished it was one of his ridiculous jokes that he used to tease lan wangji with.to make him angry and see him flush.
he wished he was still the proud and confident boy of the past .the only one who can offer wangji a real challenge . A brilliant promising boy with a strong core and lots of abilities .an equal .and not the coreless broken man that he is now . He looked down on lan wangji shocked face .it was his first time seeing him making such an open and raw facial expression out of pure shock .wei wuxian had always wanted to see wangji face fall from that expressionless font into surprise or shock or happiness .he wanted to see the other's feeling over his face but he never wanted it to be like this.
"Wei ying...you.."
Lan wangji was stuttering.eyes opened wide and his hands never left wei wuxian's still trying to reach for a core that is long ago ceased to exist . He knew what losing one's core meant.it was the worst thing that can happen to any cultivator .let alone someone as strong and promising as wei wuxian . young and talented .losing one's core was losing the meaning of his life .he may have just died .and wei wuxian was indeed dead the first time he reached for his core to find nothing but an empty void. Everything he had ever worked on was gone.
lan wangji took in the coldness of wei wuxian hands and it stroked him,another reminder of how fragile wei wuxian is now.not prone to sickness and cold like he used to be. He looked at the dark circles beneath wei wuxian's eyes.his cheek bones that were visible through thin skin .he lifted a shaky hand and took wei wuxian's face into his hands . Wei wuxian leaned into the warm palm and wept .tears were coming down in abundance ,hot and messy . He cried for the first time since losing his core and all of the bottomless grief came crashing at him .his whole body was shaking in lan wangji's arms.
"Lan zhan i am sorry i am really sorry ...please don't hate me"
He was whispering apologies non stop . His hands came to rest over wnagji's .
"Wei ying"
Wangji let out a choked breath .his own tears were running down his face .to see his beloved in such a pain .to see the cheerful boy he fell in love with turn into this mess of tears and grief . For him to carry all of it in his own all over these years .and where was lan wangji? Blaming him and scolding him over the harm of demonic methods as if wei wuxian did not know that himself being one of the top students in their generation.
"Wei ying i am sorry ...i shouldn't have-"
His words were cut off when a cold cracked lips crushed into his . It was messy .they were both crying and shaking and lan wangji's eyes opened wide in pure shock before pushing back ,deepening the kiss. Wei ying was kissing him.he was kissing wei ying
His mind came to a halt and his hands sunken from wei wuxian's face into the collar of his robes .his grip felt loose his head was spinning and wei ying was kissing him
Wei wuxian was kissing with a desperation of a man who had been starved of air his whole life and now he was sucking it greedily out of lan wangji's mouth .
"Love you...never hated you"
He whispered against wei wuxian's lips. Mouth slack and words almost unheard.wei wuxian kissed him again and again and again.whispering apologies and love confessions .babbling beside his ears .words were melting into each other, incoherent like a desperate prayer .his mind was foggy .he couldn't form a sane thought when wei wuxian lips were caressing his face and hands with kisses .there were lot of everything .the grief of wei wuxian pain and lost core.the light headed feeling of a shared longing.and the mess of them melting into each other for the first time.
Over the past years lan wangji had so many of these dreams .he dreamed of wei wuxian adorable laugh .of his pretty hands reaching for his. Of his smart mouth crashing against him everywhere he can reach .these dreams were bold .they left his heart aching and His mind frustrated and ashamed .
"Will protect wei ying "
He promised and wei wuxian hands squeezed him closer .
As the war dragged on for another three months .wei wuxian and lan wangji were never seen apart .whenever one of them is you will find the other near .on the battlefield they fought back to back .wei wuxian played his dizi and rose his corpses and lan wangji was slicking whoever dared to get near him into half. stories of the battles they lead spread like fire and everyone who was cautious of wei wuxian ability to rise the dead seemed a little bit relaxed at having hanguang-jun always keeping an eye on the evil man .wei wuxian himself was growing more into his old self .the words were coming to him more easily,his eyes ,once gloomy and so tired has gotten a youthful glow into them .
After every battle . Lan wangji would play cleansing for him .even when his hands were shaking over the quqin strings .so worn off from hours of playing on the battlefield .he would play until wei wuxian slept in peace .no evil spirit disturbing his dreams.then he too.can rest .they were sharing wangji's tent since this had started .playing cleansing was the obvious excuse for such an intimate setting .claiming that it was so tiring for lan wangji's who was worn off from the fight to walk over the camp to keep wei wuxian mind under control .and with the evil demonic cultivator under the righteous hanguang - jun watchful eyes everyone can sleep a little bit better at night knowing they were safe from his wrath and his corpses.and if lan wangji's brother knew there were way more to it than just cleansing he did not voice it . He gave his little brother a knowing look that made his ears glow red and his eyes averted. Lan xichen's heart was at ease as he watched his brother grow out the gloom that has been shadowing him since their mother died .he smiled more and talked more even if it was with wei wuxian out of everyone .he was happy to see his brother get more comfortable in his own skin, let everything else be damned.
Jiang cheng hated the new dynamic with every fiber of his being but if it meant that he no longer has to stare at the endless abyss in his brother's eyes then be it.shejie was happy ,wei wuxian was happy and if the cost of that was suffering lan wangji presence in every damn minute of the day he spent with his brother he will pay for it.with disdain of course cause lan wangji and his brother were so gross and all over each other all the time it hurt his eyes and ears to be near them. His siblings were safe for now and his reputation as a strong sect leader was growing with each victory . The rebuilt of the sect is processing fine and even easier with the support he is getting from the other young sect leaders . the close relationships between his siblings and the jin and lans heirs had formed some sort of little alliance between them all.in order to protect their loved ones they will push through the war together .
The final battle at nightless city was a blood bath . But the war was over and they won . Bodies of the dead collapsed all over the battlefield as wei wuxian played the last note on his dizi.beside him lan wangji's fingers stopped over the bloody quqin's strings ,the war was over and they were going home. Wei wuxian's hand loosened and chenqing fell to the ground with an audable crack . Lan wangji's quqin followed suit the scarred wood slip through lan wangji's fingers till it hit the ground. The next second they were holding into each other .hands dragging and pulling clothes and flesh alike .
"It's over it's over"
Wei wuxian repeated in disbelief.over and over .it's over, wen ruhan is dead and they were going home .home.
This war had dragged for five years .five years of sleepless nights of fear and nightmares of losing a beloved one , and it's finally over .lan wangji was fine his family was fine and he was fine. He took a deep breath then crashed his lips against wangji's .kissing him right there and then.in the middle of a battlefield with corpses scattered around them .he did not care. He can not bring himself to care not when wangji's body was warm and so alive in his arms . Alive alive alive his mind chanted the word like a prayer alive .