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Moving down to the countryside with Simon was a dream come true. But unfortunately, nightmares always find a way to spoil a good dream.
Soap sat outside on the swinging chair. Nestled comfortably on the porch while Simon is gardening. It's been a hard couple of months. His progress is a confidence booster, but on bad days all the progress slips away. He can't read the books he used to, because he's still struggling with reading. It's frustrating, so fucking frustrating. Simon's tried reading to him, but it's not the same as reading on your own.
His emotional control is failing him most days. Having to relearn how to process the big emotions makes him feel like a child. Which is what he is now, a big fucking child. A child who can't even help his husband tend to their garden.
Soap knows he is having a bad day. Even the smaller, simpler words are giving him problems. The basic puzzle book Simon bought him is crumbled in his hands. He was a fucking soldier. SAS for that matter. A demolitions expert for fuck's sake! Now he can't even finish a fucking Sudoku puzzle meant for a child.
Soap sighs, throwing the crumbled book to his side. He moves to get up, but his foot is asleep, so he pushes the chair too far and topples out. He bumps his head on the way down. He lays there, looking at the swinging chair, cursing at everything in his head. The stomps of Simon's heavy boots make him turn his head. He winches at the pain that's spreading through his head.
Fucking fantastic.
Simon's worried face pops into his field of vision. Soap stares back at him.
"You okay Johnny?" Simon asks, worry clear in his voice.
"Peachy." Soap says sarcastically, winching again at the sound of his voice.
Simon doesn't look happy with his answer. Soap groans as he pushes himself into a sitting position.
"My foot fell asleep, I tripped. That's all." Soap says before Simon can ask again.
"Can I help you up?" Simon asks, holding his hand out.
Soap grabs it as an answer, groaning as Simon pulls him up.
"You hit your head?" Simon asks.
"No." Soap mutters.
"You're swaying, Johnny," Simon says.
Soap ignores him and makes a move to walk inside. Simon stops him with a hand on his shoulder.
"You're gonna fall again."
Soap turns to look at his worried husband. Fuck, he hates this. He hates putting Simon through this. Caregiver to his fucked up husband.
"I'm fine," Soap says through clenched teeth.
He pushes past Simon and makes his way into the house. The door slams against the wall as he pushes it open. The loud noise makes his ears ring. Pain flaring in his head.
"Calm down Johnny. " he vaguely hears Simon say behind him.
Soap moves on, swaying getting worse with each step he takes. He just wants to lay down and sleep the pain away. Looks like that's too big of a wish. With the couch in sight, his foot snags on the carpet and he goes down, again. His knees hit the hard floor before he falls sideways, knocking his head against the floor.
"Johnny!" Simon yells, making tears fill his eyes.
It hurts so much. Why does it have to hurt so much? It fucking sucks.
Simon drops to his knees next to him, hands hovering over him, unsure.
"Don' fu'in to'ch m'." Soap slurs, more frustrated tears building.
Really!? Now he can't even form simple words!
"Johnny?" Simon asks voice filled with sadness.
"Le've m' t' fu' al'n!" Soap shouts, pain making black spots dance in his vision.
Simon moves away, stands, and leaves. Soap feels a sudden flood of panic, the unwanted anger disappears. His eyes move frantically in search of Simon. He can't get his body to move, can't get a word out.
The panic makes his chest ache, breaths getting stuck with every inhale.
Did Simon leave him? Was this one too many outbursts?
He can't control them! Simon knows that! Was this too much? Soap can understand that. He's too much now. Can't control his anger, can't control his emotions. Not like he used to.
Soap keeps searching for Simon, eyes moving all over, but he can't see anything with how fast his eyes are moving.
Fuck, if he doesn't calm down he'll have another seizure. They are rare, so rare. It's only happened two times since leaving the hospital. He doesn't want a third one. It sucks, it hurts and it drains him. Makes him feel like a husk.
Suddenly a black lump falls in front of him. His eyes focus on it. A face lays in front of him, blond hair flattening on the floor. Soap lets out a stuttering sigh, eyes focused on the man.
Ghost just left to get Johnny some pain meds. He knows Johnny hurt his head, and that's the main reason for his sudden outburst.
With a bottle of water and the meds, Ghost makes his way back into the living room. The sight that greets him sends him straight back to the day Johnny was shot.
His eyes are moving frantically from side to side, his breath stuttering so badly that he's shaking. Ghost has to shake the memory from his mind, it's not happening again, and Johnny isn't bleeding out. He's not on the brink of death.
Ghost softly moves closer, tears falling from his eyes when he sees Johnny's panicked eyes looking around.
"Johnny?" Ghost whispers.
No response. Shit, he needs to calm him down. He can't let Johnny experience another seizure.
Ghost feels lost. He doesn't know what to do. Will touching Johnny aggravate him more?
Fuck! He's so useless! He can't even help his husband.
Ghost looks in horror as Johnny stops moving, eyes rolling into the back of his head. For only two seconds Ghost is left in fear, then it stops. Johnny looks out in front of himself.
Ghost puts the water and pill on the table. He falls next to Johnny, laying down next to him. The broken sigh Johnny lets out makes him choke back a sob. Calm, slow breaths leave Johnny. There is no more panic in his eyes, he just looks tired.
"You with me Johnny?" Ghost whispers.
Johnny just stares at him.
"Can you speak love?" Ghost tries.
No answer, just some more staring. Shit, he hopes Johnny is just non-verbal and not dissociating.
"Blink for me love." Ghost says.
To his relief Johnny blinks a few times, finally showing he can hear and understand Ghost.
It's happened before, the dissociating and non-verbal spells. Ghost can handle him going non-verbal, but he struggles to handle the dissociation. It makes him feel even more useless.
"Can I help you up?" Ghost asks.
Johnny blinks twice, a yes. System used since the military, when Ghost had his non-verbal spells. Ghost sits up, slowly moving to help Johnny sit up, letting him lean against his side. Johnny lets out a small pained groan.
Ghost turns so he can see Johnny's face.
"Can you move?"
Johnny turns his eyes down, looking at his limp hands. Ghost looks down with him. Johnny's fingers twitch in an aborted movement, but nothing more. Ghost looks at Johnny's face again, and waits for him to look back up again. Johnny looks at his hand for a few more seconds before looking up.
He blinks once, no.
"Is it okay if I help you onto the couch?"
Johnny blinks twice. Ghost stands up, making sure to stabilize Johnny as he does. They're not far from the couch, luck just wasn't on Johnny's side today. He dropped just in front of it. Ghost bends down and pulls Johnny up by his armpits. Johnny makes another small pained noise. Ghost moves quickly, placing Johnny on the couch. He carefully lays him down, making sure to prop up his head and upper body with some pillows.
"Can I give you some pain meds? It didn't look like you hit your head too hard." Ghost asks.
Johnny blinks twice. Ghost nods moving back to grab the forgotten pills and water. He helps Johnny drink them and makes sure he is comfortable. It doesn't take long for them to start working. Johnny sighs as he finally drifts off into a painless sleep.
Ghost sits down on the floor. He runs his hand through Johnny's, now long, hair. His hand stops at one of the scars, where his hair is now unable to grow. His thumb softly caressed it. Saying a small prayer, to any God looking down on Johnny.
Thank you for sparing him. Thank you for bringing him back to me.
Soap wakes up to Simon's soft snores. His head is still aching a bit, but it's a lot better than earlier. He hates when that happens, forgetting how to use his body, how to make his voice work. He's happy Simon is always so patient with him.
Fuck he loves him. He'd have killed himself long ago if Simon wasn't by his side. Sure, he sometimes still thinks it would have been better if he died when he got shot. He thought that this morning. He knows it's mostly because of his injury. He knows it makes him feel things he usually wouldn't. It's hard to explain to Simon.
His sweet Simon who's kneeling on the floor, head on Soap's stomach as he sleeps. Soap lifts a hand, and tries to gently put it down on Simon's head, but accidentally slaps the back of his head. He almost laughs at the offended look Simon shoots him when his eyes open. It quickly morphs into something softer, something loving.
"How are you feeling?" Simon asks, running a hand over the top of Soap's head.
"O'ay," Soap says, frowns when the word doesn't come out correctly.
"That's good," Simon says, giving a relieved smile.
Soap hums, fuck he feels bad. Snapping at Simon, just because he wanted to help him.
"So'y." Soap mumbles, looking at Simon.
Simon gives him a small smile, eyes soft as he looks at him. Simon's hand strokes over his cheek, catching the tear that slips from his eye.
"Wa'na be no'mal ag'n." Soap cries.
Simon moves up and grabs him into a tight hug. Soap reaches out and holds him as tightly as he can.
"So'y." Soap cries again.
"It's okay love. It's okay." Simon soothes through his own tears.
Simon holds him until he stops crying, until his sobs turn into small sniffles. Soap lets go of the death grip he has on Simon. He looks over Simon's face, and frowns at his red eyes and tear-stained cheeks.
"S'ill wa' to be m' hus'nd?"
He would understand if Simon wanted an out. He would understand if this was too much for him. He wished he had another out, you know, except for offing himself.
"Always love," Simon says, leaning over to place a kiss on Soap's forehead.
Soap closes his eyes as another wave of fresh tears streams down his cheeks.
"Love you." Soap mumbles.
"I love you too, my love," Simon says, wiping the tears from under Soap's eyes.
"Go to bed?" Soap asks.
"Okay, love. Let me help you." Simon says, Soap nodding in answer.
As Ghost helps Johnny from the couch, he can't get the sad-looking Johnny, asking if he still wants to be his husband, out of his mind.
Does he think Ghost will just leave him? That Ghost will leave the love of his life because of this? He'll stay at Johnny's side, even if he gets worse. Even if he becomes a vegetable, he'll stay next to Johnny forever. Ghost just has to find a way for Johnny to understand the love he has for him.
They slowly make their way deeper into the house, Johnny's feet slipping now and then. When they make it to their room, Ghost helps him sit on the bed. Johnny lets him remove his sweatpants, leaving him in his boxers and t-shirt. Ghost removes his sweatpants, leaving him in the same state of undress as Johnny.
He helps Johnny into bed, moving him so that when he finally gets in, Johnny is cuddled up against his chest.
"Love you," Johnny mumbles, sleepily.
"Love you too Johnny." Ghost says, placing a kiss on his sleeping husband's head.
Ghost lays there, listening to the soft snores escaping Johnny. He runs his hand through Johnny's hair, thumb now softly caressing the other scar. He kisses the top of Johnny's head again, closing his eyes, following Johnny into a peaceful sleep.
Ghost wakes up to the soft morning light shining on his face. He turns to look at Johnny but finds the bed empty. He sits up, hand running over the bedding. Still warm, Johnny just got up. As if waiting for him, a crash and a loud curse sounds from the living room. Ghost is up and running towards the sound in seconds.
In the living room, he finds Johnny hastily trying to clean and pick up the books he somehow knocked over.
"Johnny?" Ghost calls.
Soap's eyes shoot up, fearfully looking over to Ghost. They stare at each other, Soap not moving or making a sound. Ghost takes a step forward, but stops when he sees Soap tense up.
"Are you okay?" Ghost asks carefully.
"Yes," Johnny says quickly.
Ghost looks at Johnny, at his disheveled hair, his pants that are not even buttoned up. At the look on his face.
"Fuck." Johnny mumbles, putting the books back on the table.
"Sure you're okay?" Ghost asks.
Johnny sighs, straightening himself.
"I don' know whe' the fuck I'm," Johnny says through clenched teeth.
"We're at home, Johnny." Ghost says, pain and fear making his voice shake.
"I ha' no home. Nee' to get ba' to my base." Johnny says, moving towards the door.
"Stop Johnny."
"Sto' callin' me tha'! Ye a bonnie lad, but I nee to get ba'! whe' am I?" Johnny asks turning to face Ghost.
He looks scared, unsure of what's happening. Ghost holds up his hands, a sign of innocence.
"You're at home. Like I said before."
"Home? If this is my home, why a' ye he'?" Johnny asks, starting to sound angry.
"I'm your husband."
"I thin' I woul' rem'ber havin a hus'and!" Johnny shouts.
"No Johnny. You've had a bad injury. Feel the sides of your head. The scars are there." Ghost tries, this hasn't happened before.
Usually, Johnny's memory lapses are only a few days that are missing. These are years he's forgotten.
Johnny looks skeptical as he raises his hands. He freezes when he feels the scars. Looking at Ghost with fear again.
"What ye do ta me!" Johnny asks, looking around for something.
Ghost curses to himself. How can he help him? Ghost looks to the bookshelf by his side. He opens the drawer at the bottom, hearing Johnny's panicked gasp. He grabs his old skull mask. One he's hidden here for some fucking reason. Hopefully, this is the reason, to help Johnny find his way back to him.
"Let me call ma cap'n! Please, I don' wa' no trou'le." Johnny begs.
Ghost turns to put on his mask, securing the hard plate on the front. When he turns around to look at Johnny again, he can see all the fear drain from his form.
"L.T.!" Johnny shouts.
Ghost's heart clenches at his former title.
"You okay?" Ghost asks, making his voice gruffer.
"Am now. Whe' the othe' guy go?" Johnny asks looking around.
Fuck, this is bad.
"Don't need to worry about that now. Need you to get into bed." Ghost says pointing down the hallway towards the bedroom.
"Need to rest before extraction comes?" Johnny asks, already making his way towards the bedroom.
Ghost makes an affirmative sound, but he can't answer. It's killing him to see his sergeant again. Killing him having to be a lieutenant again.
He follows Johnny into the bedroom. Makes sure he settles and waits for him to fall asleep again. Only then does he remove his mask again, placing it on his bedside table. He can't make himself lay down and sleep again. This episode was new, it was bad. He doesn't know what to do if Johnny wakes up and still has years lost.
Soap wakes up, opens his eyes, and looks towards Simon sitting on the floor in front of him, legs and arms crossed. He looking at him, but not saying anything. Even his face has no emotion on it like he is careful to show him anything.
"Why do you keep doing that?" Soap asks as he sits up against the headboard.
"Do what?" Simon asks, voice gruff, like when they first met.
"Sit on the floor, watc'in me sleep?"
Simon sighs, uncrossing his arms, and lays them in his lap.
"Just looking at you," Simon says, voice softening.
"I had a bad dream." Soap says.
"Yeah?" Simon says, beckoning him to elaborate.
"Mm, woke up in a strange bloke's house. I think he hurt me, can't rem'ber. Didn' wan' me ta leave. You showed up though, scared him off." Soap smiles.
"Wasn't a dream." Simon sighs.
"What?" Soap asks confused.
Simon sighs again, pushing himself up from the floor. Soap bends his knees to make him a space to sit down. Once he sits he turns to look at Soap, some funny sort of expression on his face.
"You had an episode," Simon says, carefully.
"What." Soap says, heart dropping.
"After you fell, I took you to bed. When I woke up you were trying to leave. Bumped some stuff over, and tried to leave. You didn't remember our home, didn't remember me. Didn't remember Simon. I had my mask stashed away, you recognized it. Got you to bed again. You thought we were waiting for extraction." Simon says, voice shaky.
Soap sits back to look at him. Fuck, that's never happened to him before. This is bad. Another setback in his recovery.
Soap looks into Simon's eyes. The worry, pain, and fear swimming in them.
"Think it's beca'se I wanted ever'ing to go back to no'mal. Wan' to be Soap again." Soap sighs.
Soap looks at Simon, looks as he understands Soap's words. Understands the pain Soap has inside his heart. The same pain Soap knows Simon has in his heart. The pain they have to forget so they can be Simon and Johnny, no longer Ghost and Soap.
"But I'm no lon'er Soap, just like you aren't Ghost anymore. You're no lon'er my L.T. I'm not your Serg'nt. I'm your husband. Your husband Johnny." Johnny smiles.
Simon lets out a small sound, mixed between a sob and a laugh.
"I'm your husband Simon." Simon smiles.
Johnny takes Simon's face in his hands, leans over, and places a kiss on his cheek. He looks back at his husband's smiling face. He leans in again and places a sweet kiss on his lips.
"Thank you for taking care of me. I love you, Simon."
"Always, I love you too Johnny."