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Given the ever-evolving nature of Teyvat and the UHA, further amendments to the UHA Constitution were deemed necessary by the legislative branch.
Amendment 27
Reckless Pallad can’t serve on the court. He’s stupid and we hate him.
Amendment 28
No, Yelan, you may not interrogate Lynette or Katarina for telling their “Father” about their relationship with Aether. They have a right to communicate with family, so long as they don’t manipulate the UHA from the inside out. Additionally, trials for potential treason will be held by the courts, not vigilante justice.
Amendment 29
The Yae Miko Amendment. There will be no hazing initiation rituals that involve the practices of BDSM, humiliation, pegging, excessive orgasm denial, basically no cruel and unusual punishment. This includes members transforming into animals during intercourse.
Tubby just…doesn’t know what to say anymore. Yae Miko, you are an actual menace to society.
Amendment 30
Okay, I don’t know who started this, but please for the love of Barbatos, stop making jokes about certain UHA members hooking up with monsters. No, Eula Lawrence has not had relations with a lawlichurl! Can we please stop this baseless slander?!
PS: Thank you to Vergil from Devil May Cry for preserving Klee’s innocence. We consider you an honorary justice of the UHA. That being said, we do not endorse your reckless child support evasion.
Additionally, Klee is banned from the internet. Whenever the internet is invented in Teyvat.
Amendment 31
As much as we love Vergil, we must ask him to stay in his own universe. A non-Genshin character in a Genshin fanfiction is going to be confusing.
Tubby would like it noted that she demanded the UHA add a provision for Aloy. They forgot her.
Amendment 32
The UHA does not assume responsibility for forgetting Aloy. It’s not like Hoyoverse remembers her either.
Tubby wants it written down that she tried to veto this amendment but was overruled. Sorry, Aloy.
Amendment 33
No, Arlecchino, you may not enlist Klee into the House of the Hearth.
Additional list of people Arlecchino may not adopt and enlist: Amber, Bennett, Beidou, Collei, Dilluc, Hu Tao, Kaeya, Navia, Ningguang, Razor, Rosaria, Kaveh, Kokomi, Itto, any UHA judges.
Amendment 34
Ningguang asked Aether about the economies of other worlds he has visited. What he told her so disturbed her that she proposed this Amendment. The UHA will keep Dori away from Crypto Currency and NFTs if either of those ever becomes a thing in Teyvat. Should we fail, then the UHA will at least keep Dori, with her knowledge of NFTs and Crypto, AWAY from Kaveh and Itto.
Additionally, Snezhaya needs representation on the courts. Therefore, Tubby nominates the following individuals: Viktor and Nadia (The one from Liyue) and Vlad and Lyudmila. Whenever a nation has at least three members in the UHA, they will automatically receive their justices on the courts who shall assume the bench on the following term.
Amendment 35
It has come to Tubby’s attention that Yae Miko has found solid evidence that Tubby rigged the lots drawing so she would get Aether last. Tubby does not apologize. Yae Miko is a menace. But from now on, the UHA Congress shall appoint someone neutral to perform the lot drawing. This person shall be Aether himself, as he loves everyone equally.
Amendment 36
Political parties are banned. We do not need Yae Miko forming a “Nymphomaniac Party” in opposition to Noelle’s hypothetical “Wholesome Party.”
Amendment 37
No member of the UHA is allowed to pull the ‘You're a Fatui Harbinger’ card on the Fatui Harbinger members as a means of defamation or insult. They are also valid members of the UHA just as much as you are. While I do understand everyone's animosities towards the Fatui, I still can't believe that this has to be said.
Amendment 38
Aether’s seed must not be squandered via self-stimulation. Members of the UHA will assist him in climaxing.
Tubby would like it written down that she vetoed this amendment. Unfortunately, the House and Senate overruled her veto with unanimous consent in both houses. Tubby is so sorry, Aether.
Yae Miko et al. v President Tubby : Article by Charlotte:
This amendment, championed by Yae Miko, has been challenged in the court. The plaintiffs argued that the UHA Constitution regulates the activities of the UHA, not Aether himself. Moreover, the amendment obstructs a key provision of the Constitution that Aether’s happiness is the UHA’s ultimate goal.
The case has been argued before a lower court consisting of Dvalin and Timmie, Moon Carver and Madame Ping, Chiisato and Taoromaru, Bongo-head and the Aranara, Sedene and Aeval. The judges by a 6-3 majority, with one judge abstaining, voted that the Amendment should be invalid. In writing the majority opinion, Bongo-head wrote, “The Amendment has dangerous implications for the UHA, implying it has power to regulate the behavior of Aether. Such drastic overreach could upset the balance of power and impede his happiness.”
The dissenters Aranara, Sedene, and Aeval said they didn’t understand the problem because they lack reproductive organs and are incapable of orgasm. Although, Sedene did feel that the Constitution does have some authority over Aether due to the provision in the 23rd Amendment stipulating that, “no one outside of the UHA may have relationships with Aether.”
The lone justice abstaining from the vote was Timmie, who upon learning about the birds and the bees, curled up into a corner and cried, “I weep for my lost innocence.” Attempts to console him have proven fruitless.
Yae Miko filed an appeal, leading the Supreme Court Justice to take up the case.
While Neuvillette concurred with the plaintiffs, he ultimately declined to overturn the law. In his perspective, if a justice could overturn the Constitution whenever they wanted, it could threaten the separation of powers. He did, however, deem that any enforcement of this provision would impede Aether’s happiness and would therefore be unconstitutional. Therefore, Amendment 38 remains on the books but lacks actual power.
Miko called the ruling, “A partial win for the UHA that will make things around here a lot more fun.” So far, Aether has declined commenting on the ruling.
Amendment 39
We probably shouldn’t let kids hear court cases about sex. Sorry, Timmie.
Timmie’s Replacement: Article by Charlotte
On that note, Timmie has retired from the justice system. He cites trauma from the case Yae Miko et al. v. President Tubby. He shall be replaced by Draff of Springvale. Upon taking the bench, the hunter said, “What the heck did you people sign me up for?” and “A Traveler Harem? What kind of crazy place is this?!” and “I can’t believe my daughter hangs out with you weirdos!” and “Aether, when my Diona grows up you better keep your hands off her! You hear me you sexual deviant?!”
Additionally, Timmie received a retirement bonus and hush money as compensation for his services. He has used his earnings to invest in savings and is expected to reap a windfall. As of this month, his total net worth surpassed that of the Dawn Winery.
Owner of the Dawn Winery, Diluc, filed a joint lawsuit alongside twelve other wineries against the UHA. The lawsuit alleges that the UHA gave Timmie exorbitant resources, which threatens to put several wineries out of business. It further asserts that constant hunting of Timmie’s birds and the Yae Miko et al. v. President Tubby case aggravated Timmie, turning him into a cruel psychopath.
President Tubby and the UHA promised to reform their court system. However, these promises have not allayed the concerns of the wineries. Additionally, recently appointed Judge Draff expressed his concerns. He explains, “Sweet Barbatos, how am I going to get my wine now?!” His daughter celebrated Timmie’s success, saying, “That guy’s destroying the wine industry better than I ever could. But he sure is…scary. Seriously, who hurt that kid?”
Diluc has since dropped his support of the lawsuit and joined forces with Timmie to avoid being bought out. His winery shall continue operations in the foreseeable future. Joining the lawsuit is the Northland Bank of Snezhnaya. The Harbinger Regrator says, “This brat is literally bleeding me dry! How the heck is he more ruthless than me?!”
Timmie announced plans to build his own bird-shaped Jade Chamber over Mondstadt. Once complete, he will establish a sanctuary for pigeons. Mondstadt citizens have purchased additional water, disinfectant, and scrapers in preparation for the anticipated bird droppings that Timmie swears, “will rain like the fires of Sodom and Gomorrah over the land of freedom.”
To appease Timmie’s wrath, acting grandmaster Jean signed an order that effectively bans killing pigeons and ducks in the city of Mondstadt. While this soothed Timmie’s anger, Sara of Good Hunter expressed her concerns. Pigeon meat is a valuable source of fowl for Sweet Madame and many other recipes. Timmie’s birds offered easily accessible meat, sparing merchants the long trek to Springvale to haggle prices. One merchant, who wishes to remain anonymous, explained, “It’s not our fault the birds literally gather up on the bridge just asking to be killed! I mean, come on!”
Further complicating the order is the noncompliance of the nation’s feline population. The cats refuse to substitute their bird diet with tofu or pseudo meat and advocate for a complete repeal of the order. Some have gone on strike, refusing to work at the Cat’s Tail until their demands have been met. The drop in feline companionship caused a steep loss in revenue for the popular bar.
Duel Saint of Cats Prince organized a march to protest the order, drawing thousands of cats and Diona to Monstadt’s square. Chants of “Birds are Food, not Friends!” filled the streets as hundreds of onlookers watched in shock.
Feline civil disobedience spread to the neighboring nation of Liyue. Many cats fear their hunting grounds could be taken to further appease Timmie who now calls himself: Timmie Lord of the Birds. In support of their Mondstadt brethren, several Liyue cats took to the streets in protest. They were joined by their Rishboland Tiger cousins who came all the way from Sumeru. Similar protests have emerged in the other nations, reaching all the way to Fontaine. So far, none of the nation’s leaders have been able to assuage the disgruntled felines.
Jean hopes to bring Timmie Lord of the Birds and the cats to the talking table to parse out a compromise. In the meantime, a local bard Venti has been forced to move to Springvale due to his cat allergies. The effect of this order on Mondstadt’s economy is yet to be seen. However, many anticipate the horrible guano rain shall consume the land of freedom. Also, Jean had a nervous breakdown.
Many blame Senator Yae Miko who championed Amendment 38, but she denies any responsibility for setting off this chain of events. She says, “Hey, I’m hardly to blame here. I can’t exactly predict the future with astrology, now can I?” She further deflected, saying, “Why did President Tubby, in her infinite wisdom, appoint a child of all people to the judge’s bench? Why did we give him such a big retirement bonus?!”
The Compromise, Article by Charlotte
Following the ratification of Amendment 39 which stipulates children judges will not preside over sex-related cases, calls came for Ella Musk and Grandmaster Hannekado to step down. Ella Musk refused, saying, “I come from a distinguished line of researchers. I know about sex! I shall not be bullied off the court.” Hannekado also refused. He explains, “Yeah, I know about sex too. The Boss Itto kind of has a will-they-won’t-they-thing with Kujo Sara. So, it doesn’t really bother me.” When asked to comment on this, Kujo Sara retorted, “As if I have a thing for that stupid Oni! B-baka!”
Additionally, Timmie Lord of the Birds and the cats reached a compromise. Timmie Lord of the Birds has agreed to allow the cats to continue hunting their preferred food. In return, Draff of Springvale has formally adopted Timmie Lord of the Birds. Having a father figure appeased Timmie Lord of the Birds, who said, “The hole in my heart has begun to mend now that I have a daddy.”
Timmie Lord of the Birds still plans to build a bird-shaped Jade Chamber for the pigeons. To design this marvel, he has enlisted Sumeru Architect Kaveh for an undisclosed sum. The “Avian Mansion” will be twice the size of the Jade Chamber and the Palace of Alcazarzary. Additionally, it has designs to float around the Teyvat collecting pigeons from every nation. Teyvat citizens are advised to prepare for a doo-doo shower in the near future.
Several nation leaders have called on Timmie Lord of the Birds to back down, saying he will disturb their local ecosystems. A few have threatened to take his home over their nation as a threat of war. In accordance with their threats, Timmie Lord of the Birds has enlisted the finest engineers from Fontaine. They shall equip the Avian Mansion with canons reverse-engineered from the ruins of Khaenri’ah, capable of leveling a nation in an instant.
Many leaders are seriously considering assassination. One leader, who wishes to remain anonymous, said, “I mean, dear Celestia! This kid’s a monster!” In response to these threats, Timmie Lord of the Birds replied, “I’m the monster you all made.”
Amendment 40
The UHA has agreed to adopt Timmie Lord of the Birds. We will teach him right from wrong.
Timmie Lord of the Birds Ascends to Celestia Article by Charlotte
Having spent time with the UHA, who doted on him, Timmie Lord of the Birds has found it in his heart to forgive those who wronged him. Upon the Avian Mansion’s completion, he did not invade the other nations as he once promised. Instead, he ascended to Celestia itself.
There, Timmie Lord of the Birds was recognized by the Heavenly Principles and granted the status of archon. Timmie Lord of the Birds shall also be known by his new god name: Satan God of Birds. The Heavenly Principles explained their reasoning: “I mean, come on! This kid could kill us all at this point! We’re not pissing him off.”
Since attaining godhood, Timmie Lord of the Birds/Satan God of Birds has set his sights beyond Teyvat. Timmie Lord of the Birds/Satan God of Birds created a puppet of himself. Timmie Lord of the Birds/Satan God of Birds shall use his incredible powers to rewrite the memories of every living creature in Teyvat. All, save the UHA and Draff, shall believe the puppet Timmie is the real Timmie Lord of the Birds/Satan God of Birds. None shall remember his ascension to godhood.
Before departing on his quest, Timmie Lord of the Birds/Satan God of Birds bade farewell to his adoptive father Draff and the UHA. He said, “One day, I may return. Until then, I thank you for all you have given me. Now, I spread my wings and soar into my own adventure.” The newly appointed Archon sailed off beyond the stars on his Avian Mansion.
Using his newly acquired god powers, he plans to ride the Avian Mansion across the multiverse in search of his biological father. On his cosmic trek, he plans to befriend pigeons across every conceivable reality and create a world safe for pigeons. He is accompanied by Vergil from Devil May Cry, who would rather travel the multiverse than pay child support, and Aloy, who is tired of being forgotten.
Once they locate Timmie’s biological father, the trio will move to the next phase of their multiverse conquest. Together, this trio will raise a pigeon army that will “unleash a guano storm on the sinful.” Their hitlist includes: bird hunters, ‘Crypto bros,’ whoever is withholding Aloy’s C6 constellations, and the Office of Attorney Generals who enforce child support laws, across every conceivable dimension.
If you or someone you know fit into any of these categories, prepare for the storm that is approaching.
Amendment 41
Mona will use her astrology to predict the consequences of giving any judge a retirement bonus. We may withhold the bonus pending results of a divination.
Amendment 42
The Second Yae Miko Amendment: Yae Miko can’t propose or draft legislation. Ever. Also, the president can’t appoint kids to the judge’s bench.
So yeah…
Draff retired from the justice bench. He explained, “This whole week has made me wonder if I’m even sober.” Tubby has nominated Liben the Merchant as his replacement.
Draff will not receive a retirement bonus. When asked to explain herself, Mona only said, “Trust me, if he gets even one mora, it’ll be worse than Timmie.” Although annoyed by the slight, Draff will not sue for his bonus. At this point, he just wants to wash his hands clean of this whole UHA.
On a bright note, Jean has recovered from her breakdown.
Lumine felt her sanity draining with every passing second that she read up on her brother’s escapades. Dear Lord. This was how he spent his time? Gathering an actual harem of lovers who unintentionally ushered in the birth of a new god? Massaging her temples, she quietly swore that she’d give her brother a stern lecture whenever they caught up again.
“Your highness,” croaked an Abyss Mage. “How should we proceed?”
“For now, we wait. Continue our operations as usual.”
The Mage retreated with a bow.
Let her brother go romping around the nations with his lovers. It didn’t matter. Fate would inevitably lead him back to her.
On the plus side, Lumine did have one major consolation. Soon enough, she might become an aunt. The idea made her smile. Oh, she’d tell his kids every single embarrassing story about her brother. And she’d spoil them rotten.
Until then, she would wait. She always would.