Work Text:
Arlecchino had some idea about the makeup of Aether’s lovers. But if someone told her she’d be sipping tea with the Raiden Ei who killed Signora, she would’ve thought them insane. And yet, here she was. Life really did have an odd sense of humor.
More shocking though; the number of Fatuis sharing tea. Today, she counted herself, that Cryo Cincin Mage, as well as that Mirror Maiden. Aether really did get around. She put it from her mind and tried to enjoy herself.
“My, my, you look tense Arlecchino dear. Whatever is the matter?”
The Knave shuddered at Yae Miko’s lilting voice.
Averting her eyes, she spoke, “N-Nothing, Miss Miko. I’m just surprised to see other Fatui here. Our organization has not always been on amicable terms with Aether.”
“Yes, it is rather curious,” Miko agreed. “Aether seems rather fond of everyone, even those who tried to kill him.”
At that moment, several women around the table and several people around the world sneezed in unison. Arlecchino quirked an eyebrow.
“I’m surprised you accepted so many Fatuis. Don't we make you feel uncomfortable?”
“Eh not really,” said Beidou, “it’s kinda hard to hold a grudge against someone you’ve had an orgy with.”
Arlecchino stared at the captain who took a long swig. She wondered –not for the first time— what depraved madhouse she’d walked into. Sex with Aether made it all worth it sure, but man, she felt nasty sometimes.
“Hm,” Arlecchino said. “I know about Lynette and Katarina, but how did you two get in here?”
The Cryo Cincin Mage smiled. “I heard about this group of women who supported one another and loved the same guy. It sounded like fun. So, I ‘borrowed’ Tartaglia’s Realm Dispatch. I sat in on their tea parties, until they decided I was one of them and President Tubby gave me my own Dispatch. Honestly, I’m amazed nobody questioned if I should even be here.”
Amber shrugged. “I thought you were with Lynette.”
Lisa nodded. “This many people are difficult to keep track of.”
“And you?” she said to the Mirror Maiden.
“Basically the same.”
“So, you’re both with Childe. What are your names?”
“Ah, what’s in a name?” said the Cryo Cincin Mage.
“No one’s who they say they are, why spoil the fun?” added the Mirror Maiden. “For all you know, Father, maybe I’m your father. But would it really matter?”
The pair gave amused laughs. Arlecchino studied them.
The Cryo Cincin Mage was odd, but she seemed no different from the countless other Cincin Mages prancing around Teyvat. That Mirror Maiden though, there was something about her… Perhaps she ought to tell her colleague Childe he should take better care of his belongings.
The women turned to legislative matters. Dehya brought up her proposed amendment. It decreed that once a year, all UHA members would go to the former Grand Sage Azar and take turns kicking him in the balls. Nilou seemed rather enthused by the idea. Then Keqing reminded them about the “No cruel and unusual punishments” clause. The amendment fell short of the necessary support.
Dehya grumbled. “You’d guys pass it if you’d met the guy…”
The Cryo Cincin Mage took the floor. “So, we ought to clear up something. If Arlecchino became a legislator, would she represent Fontaine or Snezhaya?”
“I asked the courts to resolve the issue,” said Keqing. “They ruled she should represent her current nation of residence. Just like Mona represents Mondstadt even though it’s not where she was born.”
Keqing handed them the court documents. The Mirror Maiden sighed. “There goes another representative for us.”
“Give it a few years,” said the Cincin Mage. “We’ll get them soon enough.”
Next came legislation penned by Ganyu from the House of Representatives: Restitution for Contraceptives. Aether spent a lot on condoms. To pay for it, he’d taken on triple the commissions. Ganyu proposed they set aside funds to subsidize his purchases.
“Is that necessary?” asked Amber. “I mean, condoms are cheap.”
Keqing dispensed pamphlets to every Senator listing Aether’s weekly expenses on amenities compared to contraceptives. The figures were frankly alarming. A one-to-ten margin. Arlecchino couldn’t suppress her gasp.
“Why has he been spending this much?”
As if of one mind, every woman glanced accusingly at Yae Miko. The shrine maiden smiled in that oh-so-sorry way that was not at all sorry. Silently, Arlecchino offered a prayer for that poor man.
The legislation passed the committee vote and the Senate vote. Kirara took the bill to President Tubby for ratification. Arlecchino was honestly impressed. When it came to Aether, these women were united in every sense of the word. If only all politics could be so efficient.
Kirara returned, announcing Tubby had signed the bill.
With that, the Senate Majority Leader Keqing called their legislative session to a close.
Before Arlecchino could head out, the Komani Express girl handed her a package.
“Aether dropped this off with Tubby. Aether says he couldn’t visit today, but he hopes you’re settling in well.”
She read the letter.
Happy Birthday. Sorry I couldn’t spend today with you. I’ve been taking extra commissions lately. I’ll finish them up so we can celebrate tonight. Meet me at the Teapot at 6 pm. Love you!
XOXO
Aether
Oh right, today was August 22nd. She’d forgotten. Birthdays weren’t something she ever celebrated. No point, really. Another year older, big whoop. The House of the Hearth didn’t do parties.
Arlecchino opened the packaging. Out came nine brilliant crimson stones. Agnidus Agate Chunks. Those blessed stones that could make her stronger.
Getting these must’ve taken serious effort. It made her happy, but also quite sad. Kindness like this was squandered on someone like her.
“Is something the matter, little one?”
She wheeled around. Her fist stopped an inch from Yae Miko’s face. Undaunted, the shrine maiden gave her “innocent” and not at all sorry smile.
“My, you’re jumpy today.”
That’s your fault, she wanted to reply. But no, she wouldn’t give this uppity fox the satisfaction of getting under her skin. Arlecchino adjusted her coat, doing her best to appear unaffected.
“It’s nothing,” she murmured.
“Really? For someone who’s received a gift from their boyfriend, you look rather somber.” Yae Miko tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Hmm, could it be…you’re scared?”
“I’m not scared of you,” she replied.
“Of me? Oh heaven’s no. After those three days and nights together? Why, we’re practically soulmates. You’re scared of something else.”
A logical person would’ve walked away. Engaging with this damnable kitsune was the equivalent of sticking your head into a tiger’s mouth if said tiger breathed toxic fumes and scorpions. Unfortunately, Arlecchino had her pride. What would the other Fatui think if they saw her back down?
“You presume my complexity is on par with one of your light novels. I’m not so shallow.”
Yae Miko only smiled wider. “Oh, I don’t doubt it. But I can read you all the same.”
“And pray tell, what can you gleam from my pages?”
“You’re a lot like Ei. So desperately in love, but so scared that you’re in love.”
“Scared? Of love?” she scoffed. “What trite garbage. What’s to fear?”
“Making yourself vulnerable to another human being, laying out your heart to them. Always asking, ‘After all I’ve done, do I even deserve love?’” Miko shook her head sympathetically. “You’ve had a rough life, my dear. I am truly sorry for you.”
That shrine maiden…one moment she was teasing you until you went mad. The next, her sincerity utterly disarmed you. Yae Miko offered the Knave a fresh cup of tea. Its pleasant fragrance soothed her agitation.
“Here’s some unsolicited advice. Aether wants you and that’s enough. Don’t ask questions. Just roll with it.”
Yae Miko reached into her sleeve, retrieving a wrapped parcel. “Happy birthday. Have fun tonight.”
With a wink, Yae Miko strolled away. Arlecchino permitted herself the tiniest of smiles. Yes, she would enjoy herself tonight.
Arlecchino hesitated outside the door. She felt foolish. When had she ever dressed up like this? A white sundress embellished with lilac imprints and flowery white sleeves. Her dress even had a little black and red train framing her legs. The skirt felt so short. Having her shoulders and thighs exposed like this made her cold.
This must be how every mom felt trying to slip into an old high school cheerleaders’ uniform. There was still time to go back and change. No. The Knave did not fear anything.
With great effort, she knocked the door.
Open it swung, to that blonde-haired, ambered-eyed cutie. He looked so dapper in his casual suit. As she stepped inside, his smile brightened.
“You look amazing,” he said, planting a kiss on her hand.
He had laid out a table spread: tea, sweet cakes, and all sorts of treats. Two candles emitted a violet fragrance. The mansion had been renovated with a Fontainian flair; her favorite furnishings all about the room. An odd vase-like device poured out music: elegant violins that played a soothing melody.
Aether raised his cup to hers. “Happy birthday, my dear.” Together they sipped. Arlecchino tasted the sweet chamomile brewed to her exact preference.
From there, they enjoyed a delightful evening. Aether asked so many questions about her day. She found herself recalling the most mundane things: the toothpaste she brushed with, the tax forms she signed, and the daily shenanigans of her ‘children.’ He hung onto her every word, his face warm and tender. It was like he genuinely wanted to know about her.
Arlecchino shifted the question to him. He recounted his mission to that quaint little town Petrichor as well as some desert explorations in Sumeru. He finished by pulling out a box, wrapped in a ribbon. The box had some weight to it, and the insides sounded mechanical.
She unknotted the bow, careful to preserve the ribbon. Arlecchino opened the lid and pulled out a music box. Not just any music box. This music box had a ballerina that danced to a gentle melody. Over it hung a picture of her childhood friend Clervie, as young as she remembered.
“Is it too much?” he asked. “I remembered you mentioned Clervie had one of these so I tracked down the only merchant in Sumeru who sold the model. I know it’s not the same, and you are a little old for these but—”
“It’s wonderful. I…I can’t believe you did this for me.”
She studied the twirling dancer. Clervie always talked about becoming a dancer. She’d travel the world gathering admirers wherever she went. When she got famous, she’d promised Perrie would have front row seats to her concerts.
Their “Mother” smashed the music box. Said it was making them soft. That was a harsh lesson. Giving yourself over to sentiments made the return to reality much more painful. Better to control yourself. Never hope so you can never be broken. Now, she couldn’t begin to control herself. Frankly, she didn’t want to. She would live and love in all the ways she never let herself before.
Clervie, she thought. Can you see me? I’m dreaming for both of us now.
“Thank you, Aether,” she said. “This evening has been perfect.”
“Your birthday isn’t over yet,” he said. “Is there anything else you want?”
“Anything else…?”
“Sure! Any snacks, tea, gifts?”
“Well, there is one thing.”
“Name it.”
As a rule, she never let her emotions dictate her actions. Everything she did was logical, planned, never a result of reckless passion. Not this time. She stood up and unclipped her dress. The silky sundress fell to her ankles. She rounded on Aether, showing him a sight that left him speechless. That sight was Yae Miko’s present. Bright red lingerie flaunted the curves of her breasts and her hips.
Aether took her in his arms and kissed her. His fingers cupped her cheek, while his hand ran down the length of her back and rested on her hip. All those doubts vanished. Her eyes flickered shut. She explored his mouth, relishing in his taste.
Unable to contain herself, she picked him up and ran to his bedroom. He only laughed as she laid him on the bed. They unbuttoned his shirt together, exposing that broad, muscular chest. She planted a line of kisses down his collar bone, across his pectorals, down to his belly button.
Arlecchino rested her cheek on his stomach. His warmth seeped into her, and his breaths were like a lullaby. Lingering there, she savored the texture of his body, nuzzling it like one might nuzzle a cat’s furry belly. Once satisfied, she pulled down his pants, getting a lovely view of that tent he was pitching.
Suddenly, Aether bolted upright. “Oh shoot, I forgot protection. Hold on.”
He sifted through his night drawers frantically. “Where is it?” he grumbled. A good minute of this didn’t turn up anything. He resorted to pulling shelves off their hinges and dumping them out on the floors.
“Arl, I’m sorry,” he began.
Then he noticed something. Arlecchino held a flat package between her index and pointer fingers. She smiled, seeing his confused expression.
“I thought you might need one. Shall we?”
That night was truly one to remember.
Waking up beside another person proved a pleasant experience. Aether spooned her, arms wrapped around her waist and stomach. His husky breaths tickled her ear. He never pulled out.
“Morning, gorgeous,” he whispered.
“Yes, good morning to you, my Aether.”
After a wakeup makeout session, followed by breakfast, they took a dip in the hot springs. Bathing in the Inazuma style was rather refreshing. Warm waters soothed all her aches and pains. But the best part was when Aether got in with her. Once more she got to appreciate him in all his naked glory. And, she got to enjoy him once more.
She’d gotten bolder. When the mood really struck her, she pinned him down and rode him for all he was worth. The little moans that she prized from his lips were beyond delicious.
When they finished their steamy bath, Aether kissed her before heading out for the day. She sat in his foyer, admiring all his knickknacks and treasures. Someday, she’d get him to tell her the story behind each one. Especially that portrait made entirely of mechanical pieces.
It wasn’t her way, lounging around in a bath robe, legs exposed for anyone to see. Yet, she didn’t care. Aether loved her. Nothing else really mattered. She soaked in the afterglow of her perfect morning.
Time came to return home. She started off when an object caught her attention. There, on the bookshelf. She got a closer look. Arlecchino pulled out the leatherbound journal. She recognized it right away. Tubby’s ledger. The night that Adeptus visited her for an interview she wrote down information into this journal. Were the other girls in here too?
Temptation proved too great.
She flipped to one subject page.
Name: Shenhe
Occupation: Exorcist and Freelancer.
High “kuudure tendencies with minor “yandere.” She doesn’t entirely understand love, but believes she feels it for the Traveler. In many ways, he changed her life for the better. Deep admiration for Aether bordering on the obsessive. Only thing keeping her from being a nymphomaniac is lack of emotional understanding. Hope she stays that way.
Another page.
Name: Jeht.
Occupation: Mercenary.
Remains bright and cheery despite her traumatic life. Having experienced those hardships alongside the Traveler, their emotional connection runs deep. She’s always longed for a place to belong. Therefore, being in the UHA surrounded by loving people is beneficial for her wellbeing. Unlikely to cause chaos in the group she sees as family.
Fascinating. Arlecchino had always suspected that Jeht had a rough life. Jeht rarely argued or started fights with others. People like her came to the House of the Hearth looking for a place they could call home. Perhaps, she could give the desert woman a gift the next time they met.
She scanned through page after page, learning intimate details of every woman. Sometimes, she chuckled when Tubby made a spot-on observation: Lynette “the soft-spoken, easily overwhelmed introvert,” or Navia, “the brave, young independent woman.” The Adeptus’ intuition was on the mark when she called Yae Miko, “the most mischievous and dangerous woman I’ve ever met. Major nymphomaniac with dominatrix tendencies. Lives to see others squirm.”
Arlecchino read up on the Cryo Cincin Mage’s details. Twenty-three years old with a birthday in the middle of May. Hobbies included playing with animals and BDSM. Tubby wrote: despite domineering behaviors, she truly loves the UHA for its sense of camaraderie.
The name? She didn’t recognize it at all. Some low ranking Fatui grunt, she supposed. She made a mental note to file the name away for later.
Arlecchino flipped a few more pages until she found an exceptionally lengthy profile. Most took up three or four pages. This one –she counted—fourteen pages. It did not start with name and occupation like the others.
Mirror Maiden is not who she seems. Only a few others, myself included, know her true identity. These include Aether, Ei, Yae Miko, and Katarina. For now, that number shall remain small.
Subject experienced a traumatic event that gave her amnesia. She should be dead. Or it’s more accurate to say: she was dead. Now, she isn’t.
Still unsure how she returned. Best I can figure, that was our fault. The birth of the new archon Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds disrupted the space-time continuum. The day Mirror Maiden should have died, she still died. Somehow though, this was not the end.
She woke up one day and started a new life as a Mirror Maiden, unaware of her horrible past. Recent events with the rise of Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds triggered some old memories. She approached me and told me everything she could recall.
I explained that I felt uncomfortable keeping a brainwashed person around. She only laughed me off. Her exact words were, “Don’t think too hard about the implications, my dear. Let’s just roll with it.” Highly dangerous libido and sanity’s only so-so. Keep a close eye on her. If she ever did return to her old personality, consequences could be disastrous.
This sounded less like a profile and more like some psychotic Issikai light novel. What on earth did all this mean? She scrolled down the page, all the way down to the name.
Arlecchino’s jaw dropped. No. Impossible.
“You weren’t supposed to see that.”
She wheeled around, finding the tall pale woman facing her. The veil had been pulled back, revealing her pale gray eyes. Arlecchino’s knees gave out. Her mouth struggled to form a single coherent sentence.
That face…she did know it.
“Signora.”
The Mirror Maiden gave a coy smile. “Quite the reunion, eh?”
Arlecchino went dizzy. Her colleague, the person they held a funeral for, Roselyn stood before her alive and well. The tall woman snapped her fingers.
“Timmie! We’ve got another one.”
Everything went dark.
Arlecchino woke up dazedly in an unfamiliar dark chamber. She had been tied to a chair by crimson fetters. Whatever they were, she could no longer use her elemental powers. Nor could she break free.
Before she could make sense of this, a figure strode into the lamplight. Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds. And beside him, that Mirror Maiden…No, Roselyn the Eighth Harbinger.
“How?” asked Arlecchino, “How are you still alive, Roselyn?”
“How?” She giggled as though the question amused her. “Tubby thinks Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds caused space time continuum fluctuations that brought me back. But I know the answer’s much simpler than that.”
The Mirror Maiden strolled around the chair, bringing her face down to chair level.
“Ask yourself: how did Darth Maul survive being cut in half? The force? No. The fans! They wouldn’t let me stay dead forever.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Oh right, sorry. Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds gave me a glimpse into the worlds beyond our own. Really eye-opening, but I wouldn’t recommend it especially if you’re a living paradox.”
“How come you never came home?”
“See, the Raiden Ei’s attack was so powerful it gave me amnesia. Electricity rewired the circuitry of my brain. Now, I’m basically a new woman.”
This was certainly more loquacious than Signora had ever been. Her casual, slightly crazed attitude unsettled Arlecchino.
“I remembered everything after Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds became an archon. The horrible things I did, the people I hurt… Honestly, I considered leaving the UHA, but then I saw you. If you deserve love, so do I.
“Anyways,” she continued, “I’m happy with the new me and the life I’ve made here. I’ve got love, friends, and a lover who’s so good to me. I’d like to keep it that way.”
“So, now that I know,” Arlecchino grimaced. “You’re going to kill me?”
“Why do you have such a dark, depressing mind? No, I’m not going to kill you. I’m just going to ask you to keep my secret, please.”
“Then, why did you tie me up then?”
“Bondage is kind of my hobby now. I do love how chains rattle.”
Silence.
At last, Arlecchino sighed. “Alright fine. I won’t tell anyone. But what should I call you from now on?”
“Mirror Maiden will do just fine. And if you’re worried about the implications of keeping me permanently in this altered state of mind, don’t. Just roll with it.”
“Can you let me go now?”
“Okay!”
Upon being freed, Arlecchino returned home. Three whole days passed before she could utter a word to anyone.
When she finally did speak, to Lynette, she only said, “Do you know who Darth Maul is?”
“Who?”
“No, never mind. Just … talking to myself.”
“Are you okay?”
Arlecchino snapped. “Don’t question me. I am your ‘Father.’”
Lynette departed with a bow. Arlecchino sunk into her desk, feeling more than a little exhausted. The UHA kept secrets even from its own members, much like the Fatui or any government organization. Once more, she asked herself, “What have I gotten myself into?”
A new Amendment to the UHA Constitution Article by Charlotte
Arlecchino proposed another Amendment to the constitution. This law states that Tubby’s ledger, with confidential details about each UHA member, ought to be kept in a more secure place. Furthermore, confiscation or unadvised peeking into the journal will be punished with sentencing delivered by a jury. The Amendment has garnered broad support and is expected to pass next legislative session.
Also, Aloy returned from her multidimensional adventures with Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds. Having finally discovered her C6 constellations, she’s content to resume her position in the UHA. Everyone greeted her warmly, throwing a welcome party to mark her return.
When asked about her adventures, she said, “Let me tell you all a little story. It takes place a long, long time ago in a galaxy far away.” Oddly enough, Mirror Maiden and Arlecchino seemed perfectly acquainted with this tale. Mirror Maiden said, “The OG trilogy’s great. Prequels are okay. Don’t waste your time on the sequels.”