Chapter Text
"We need some time apart."
Sand’s words hang thickly in the air. Grief comes in waves for Ray, gruelling, stealing his ability to move, speak or think. He’s totally blank, staring up at Sand with burning eyes because he’s forgotten to blink them. When he does blink, he feels wetness trickle down his cheeks, and he slowly, tentatively reaches up to touch his left cheek.
Tears
He’s crying.
“Sand.” Ray whispers, taking a step forward, and Sand steps back, shattering what’s left of Ray’s heart.
Breaking up with Boeing nearly crushed Sand when it happened, and at the time he thought that was the greatest pain he could ever feel.
Here, now, having to physically and emotionally tear himself away from Ray because they are no longer functional together- the feeling is worse than anything Sand has ever known. Seeing his own pain reflected in Ray’s eyes only makes the punishing agony worse.
It hurts to be with Ray, and yet merely voicing out the suggestion to take time apart already hurts more. Sand doesn’t know what to do. The urge to reach out for Ray and wrap him up in his arms is so strong, nearly impossible to fight.
But he has to fight it and stand his ground. They’ve come to a point where Sand feels like they have to be apart and work on themselves before they can come back together again. It might be the only way they’ll stop hurting each other and being so damned dysfunctional.
“Is breakup the only answer, Sand? Really?” Ray demands, dragging the words out through gritted teeth as he clenches his jaw so he doesn’t fall apart.
“We are not breaking up.”
“Oh right. Taking time apart.” There is mockery in the way Ray says the last part. “We are not kids. I know when I’m getting dumped.”
“Then call it what you want.”
"Why are you doing this to us, Sand?" Ray agitatedly asks in way that makes it obvious how confused and frustrated he is. There is a tinge of fear in there as well because if Ray is being honest with himself, he can’t imagine a life without Sand. He can’t even remember how he lived his life before they met. All Ray knows now is that just like he needs oxygen to breathe, he needs the tender kisses, soft reassurances, sweet sex, long pillow talks, the hugs, the make outs in the back seat of Ray’s car, concert dates, fun drives, breakfast in bed, and even the fights and cold shoulders; as long as they stay and push through the joys and the struggles together.
Ray just wants to do this life with Sand.
“I’m tired of constantly feeling side-lined by you. I’m disgruntled and frustrated all the time. It’s tiresome.” Sand mutters and Sand’s bedroom falls dead silent as Ray’s thoughts come to yet another screeching halt.
“What are you talking about?”
Sand sighs and decides to be more direct. "You don't tell me things. There is a lot going on with you and apparently you'd rather confide in Mew than me."
"Is that what this is about? You're jealous of Mew?"
Sand's jaw tightens as he feels the weight of his anger rise anew within him. For the sake of his pride he'd rather deny it but that would make him a hypocrite. He can't be dishonest while accusing Ray of being dishonest with him.
So Sand swallows his pride and mutters, "Yes I'm jealous Mew. I can't seem to measure up to what you have with him."
"You don't have to measure up to anything, Sand. Mew is my friend. You're my boyfriend."
"Yeah but I wish I were your friend too. Maybe that way you’d come to me when you’re in trouble. Maybe you’d confide in me."
"Oh for God's sake, what are these things that I’m keeping from you?" Ray wails, momentarily looking skywards.
Sand just stares silently at Ray for an instant, his mind weighing the possible outcomes of voicing out the things he's heard about Ray from other people. What if Ray gets upset? Then again this entire situation couldn't get any worse. "I heard that you're fighting with your dad because you failed too many courses last semester and he had to go see the principle so you wouldn't get kicked out." Sand watches Ray's eyes slowly widen, typically in a guilty manner. Ray lowers his gaze and darts it from left to right, visibly searching for what to do or say next.
Sand goes on. "I also heard that the fights have to do with your drinking as well. Your drinking has worsened."
Ray steps forward and reaches out for Sand, thankful that he doesn't step away from him. "All that stuff is...I was going to tell you-"
"But you didn't. Instead you went to Mew’s apartment whenever you went off on secret boozing escapades and left me here wondering where you were, wondering why I didn’t see you for days on end."
Ray hated it too every time he had to hide from Sand, and he hates it more now that he knows Sand was totally on to him the entire time and hurting because of it. It’s just that to protect his own dignity, Ray had to make the selfish decision to try and sort out his problems on his own. He is so sick of being the messy one in their relationship, the one who is more likely to fuck up, the one who actually is a fuck up.
Ray is pretty sure that there is no explanation that can redeem his actions, but he can at least try to explain himself. "Mew is...I've known him longer. Maybe it's easier for me to tell him about certain things." Ray says and his heart sinks when he sees the wounded expression that fleetingly flickers across Sand's face.
"We started out fine-" Sand is about to say more but briefly stops himself to gather the right words and the strength to say what should really be said- what has been plaguing his peace of mind. "You've changed. We've changed. Something has changed. All of a sudden you’ve become distant. I'm not accusing you of anything. It's just how I feel." And boy it sucks to say because no matter how Sand spins it, he can’t shake the awful feeling that he is in fact being accusatory towards Ray.
A shadow of anguish flickers across Ray's now solemn face as he stares in disbelief at the damage he's caused. While making efforts to do what he thought was protecting their love, he only made things worse.
"The stuff about my bad grades, I just don't want to disappoint you. Again. I'm always messing up." Ray pauses to take a breath after rushing through the first part of his confession, and to brace himself for the harder part that’s coming. "About my drinking..." Ray shakily ruffles his hair. "I've had a lot on my mind and..." Okay there is no easy way of saying it, so Ray just comes out with it. "I’ve been feeling shitty lately because… I kissed Mew."
Sand's heart makes a hard painful drop into his stomach. "When?" He whispers because he can't muster the strength to speak louder or ask the many bigger, more important questions swimming in his head.
"It was a few weeks ago. It just happened and it meant nothing. Maybe he's just familiar territory to me or whatever. I don't know. I don't care. It's nothing."
"Then why are you guilty?” Sand’s voice is cold as ice. “I mean you just said it’s one of the reasons why you’re drinking so much, right?"
The room stills as Ray flounders under Sand’s frosty glare. Ray has only ever seen Sand this hurt one other time before they got together and even then it had to do with Ray’s unresolved feelings for Mew. "I’m sorry for not telling you before, Sand. I honestly didn’t know how."
"Is there something I should be worried about between you and Mew?" Sand appears to be stoic but on the inside he’s scared shitless of what answer Ray is going to give him. He’s scared of what any of this means for their relationship. Does this mean even after what he and Ray have built together, Ray never got over Mew at all?
"No. Of course not. I love you, Sand.” Ray rushes to refute, not wanting Sand to entertain the ridiculous thought for a moment longer. “Me and Mew were reminiscing and then the kiss just happened. It was a stupid mistake. Mew felt bad about it and so did I."
Sand doesn't say anything. The room suddenly feels heavy with a silence deafening. "Please say something, Sand. What are you thinking?"
"I'm thinking we definitely need time apart."
Ray vehemently shakes his head, tears already welling up in his eyes again. "Sand, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Please don't leave me." He desperately hugs Sand's waist. "Please. Let's just...we can fix this. I'll do anything to make up for my mistakes. I promise."
Sand doesn’t push Ray away, but he doesn’t hug him either. He just stands still and cries with Ray.