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"If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad?"
"It's just my luck. I'm finally available and you're not understaffed anymore." Amanda busies herself with the task of pouring cream and sugar into their coffees as she tries to hide her disappointment at the direction this conversation is taking.
"This is not about you fitting into the squad room. This is about where you belong in your life. You were unemployed for one day." Olivia's response is gentle and kind, exactly what Amanda has been expecting, as her former captain seems to be trying to let her down easy.
"And I couldn't handle the boredom," she acknowledges grudgingly, wishing it was possible to fix this rather frustrating part of her personality that has plagued her since birth.
"Exactly. And I don't want SVU to be your safety net. How about you take some time? Figure out what makes you happy."
"You of all people know how hard this is for me," Amanda replies softly as she gazes across the counter at Olivia, refraining from mentioning that spending time with her ex-boss makes her happier than nearly anything else.
"Yeah, I also know how hard you've been working on confronting your demons, for healing." There are notes of pride and respect in Olivia's voice that touch Amanda deep inside, causing a faint blush of pleasure to color her cheeks.
"Mmm. The truth of the matter is, Liv, I still have a little more work to do." She decides on another honest answer in return, the elation of being reunited with Olivia prompting her to be a bit more open with her personal life than she usually is.
"You and me both."
"Hmm."
"You look like you're deep in thought." Olivia's head is cocked to the side as they regard each other intently, Amanda's foot beginning a nervous tap dance on the floor.
"Um, yeah."
"Care to share?" The older woman's tone is light but Amanda can detect an undercurrent of seriousness beneath, wondering where this discussion might lead them.
She bites her lower lip, unsure if she should continue being truthful and reveal this particularly shameful thought, or keep it tucked safely within the confines of her brain so she doesn't chance veering into dangerous territory or come off sounding callous. "I've just been thinking about something Fin said when we were working the case."
"Oh? And what's that?" Olivia seems curious now, one eyebrow arched in anticipation.
"I asked him how unmarried life was," Amanda explains haltingly, tripping over her words, "and he said....he said that he and Phoebe have never been happier and he highly recommends it. I mean, maybe he was just joking around, but it's been on my mind ever since."
She watches as Olivia's eyebrows raise high in surprise and then pull together in a concerned frown. "Trouble in paradise?"
"No," Amanda murmurs uncertainly. "Well, not exactly."
"And what does that mean?" Olivia asks gently, those luminous brown eyes radiating patience and compassion, and not the least bit of judgment.
"It means there's never trouble. With anything. Ever."
Olivia looks extremely confused now, her frown deepening. "And that's a bad thing?"
"No, it's not bad," Amanda sighs heavily, wanting to articulate herself properly. "It's just....boring."
"Well, I did tell Carisi that he married a wild card and that you were looking for something new," Olivia chuckles in return, although that concern remains, along with a touch of unease and a hint of something else that Amanda can't quite put her finger on.
"You said that?" she smiles briefly, deciding to continue with her shameful confession. "Well, you're not wrong. And this wild card is bored to tears, Liv. I know I shouldn't be saying this. I mean, how can I complain when I have the perfect life? I have a husband who loves me, three healthy children, and up until recently, a job that would have helped keep us financially stable until the kids are grown up." A prolonged pause ensues before she forges ahead, her hands trembling around the mug of coffee that is rapidly growing cold. "I've already ruined one of those things. How long will it be until I ruin the others just because I'm bored?"
"Amanda, what exactly are you telling me here?" Olivia questions softly. "Are you thinking of leaving Carisi?"
"I don't know," Amanda whispers as her mouth drags down at the corner and she blinks away a sudden onslaught of tears. "But what I do know is that for the first time in a long time, it feels like a fire has been lit inside my soul. I feel alive again. Being back at SVU like I'd never left, going undercover again, working side by side with you-"
She cuts herself off before she can say more, neglecting to mention that she has never stopped idolizing and crushing on the captain, even after all these years and her eventual decision to marry someone else. She'll forever think of Olivia as the one who got away, despite never being able to gather the courage to ask her on a date or reveal the depth of her feelings.
Olivia is staring at her, those penetrating dark orbs burrowing deeply enough to read her mind, or so it seems, and Amanda quickly changes the subject before she ends up spilling another secret. "What about you, Liv? You said you were still working on healing too. What did you mean by that?"
Now Olivia is the one who is hesitating, the older woman appearing strangely nervous herself, and Amanda's own curiosity is instantly piqued. Tilting her head to the side, she studies the uncharacteristic way Olivia fidgets in her seat, her fingernails tapping out a swift rhythm against the mug clutched between her hands.
"You can tell me, Liv," Amanda urges gently. "Talk to me."
She starts to reach across the counter to squeeze Olivia's hand in an effort to provide some comfort and the encouragement to keep speaking, when the older woman whispers, "Actually, part of my healing has to do with you."
"Me?" Amanda rears back in surprise, her blue eyes widening as she locks her jaw in place before it drops open. "Okay, I wasn't expecting that. What do you mean?"
"I've been having a really hard time since you left." Olivia's voice is hushed and barely audible, Amanda leaning over the counter again to hear her better. "I've missed you. A lot. And having you back has been both amazing and unsettling. Because I know it was just temporary and I'm struggling with that. It's....complicated."
Amanda is at a loss for words for a moment, utterly taken aback by this unexpected revelation and overcome with a surge of guilt for a different reason this time. "I'm so sorry, Liv. Did it make things harder for you when I came back to help out with this case?"
"Yes and no," Olivia murmurs with a shrug of one shoulder. "I knew I was going to miss you like crazy when you left for Fordham, but I guess I didn't realize just how much I was going to miss you. It threw me for a loop. It was really difficult for a long time. But lately, I've finally started coming to terms with it and doing better, and-"
"And then I came back and ruined everything," Amanda interrupts her bitterly, finishing the sentence with what she assumes the other woman is about to say.
"You didn't ruin everything," Olivia assures her quietly. "I've loved working with you again, Amanda. It's just brought up a lot of emotions."
"What kind of emotions?" Amanda's heart is suddenly pounding so hard in her chest, she can scarcely draw in a breath, feeling a trace of hope for something she never in a million years would have thought they'd be discussing.
"Well, my fear of abandonment, for one thing." Olivia's entire demeanor indicates a deep sadness, Amanda reaching over the counter to cover the captain's trembling hand with her own.
"Liv, I didn't abandon you," she affirms with a tender squeeze, stroking her thumb back and forth across clammy skin. "I'm right here. And I'll always be here for you, whether we're working together or not. You're never going to lose me."
"I know." A hint of a smile is gracing Olivia's lips now as she squeezes back. "I just have to keep reminding myself of that."
"Good, I'm glad you know that. And I won't let you forget it. So what else has been going on?" Amanda prompts with a brief smile of her own.
"I....I should leave."
"Wait, what?" Amanda is completely bewildered when Olivia abruptly pulls away from her touch and gets to her feet, shoving her mug across the counter with more force than necessary. "No, Liv, you don't have to leave. Please continue with what you were saying."
"This is inappropriate," the older woman murmurs without further explanation, striding toward the door of the apartment at a fast clip, long hair fanning out in a thick curtain behind her.
"What's inappropriate?" Amanda frantically hurries after her, grabbing Olivia's wrist as she reaches for the handle and whirling her around so they are standing face to face, her tone demanding now as she tries to push down the hurt she feels. "What are you talking about, Liv? What's happening here?"
Olivia comes to a clumsy halt in front of her and the apartment falls silent as they gaze unblinkingly at each other, the brunette looking as if she is fighting a war in her mind.
"Liv," Amanda pleads gently, sliding her fingers down from her wrist until she is clutching onto Olivia's hand again. "What's inappropriate?" Her heart feels like it's going to burst out of her chest as she awaits an answer that might not come, Olivia's lips sealed shut and flattened into a thin, firm line.
"My feelings for you."
Amanda is stuck mute when the captain finally decides to reply, unable to believe that Olivia has uttered the words she has longed to hear for well over a decade; ever since her arrival at SVU nearly thirteen years ago. Her thoughts are in turmoil and a thin film of sweat is gradually gluing her palm to Olivia's, unsure of how to respond to something she has never expected to deal with.
"I had no idea," she mutters after a tension-filled silence has stretched out between them, willing her racing heart to calm down. "How long have you had these feelings?"
"Too long," Olivia snaps as she disentangles their joined hands and pulls away entirely. "And the longer they went on, the more inappropriate they became. And now....and now it's the worst. You're married, you had a baby recently, you and Carisi are raising a family...." Amanda's heart clenches in her chest when she sees the glimmer of distraught tears in Olivia's eyes. "I don't fit into your life anymore. There's no room for me."
"That's not true!" Amanda replies vehemently, her own eyes welling with tears as she tries to process Olivia's shocking confession and the predicament they are in now. "Didn't I just tell you that I would never abandon you? And when you were talking about what makes me happy....it's you, Liv. And my kids, of course. But it's always been you."
Olivia is quiet for several seconds, her expression unreadable, and Amanda wonders if the captain is trying to work out whether or not to believe her. She must see something in Amanda's eyes that causes her to soften, her shoulders sagging and a harsh breath blowing out from between her parted lips.
"Well, we have some spectacularly bad timing, don't we?" Olivia's tone is wry when she speaks, but Amanda notices her mouth wobbling and the strain on her beautiful features as she struggles to pull herself together.
The dam breaks as she contemplates just how true Olivia's words are; that they have had all this time to come to terms with their feelings and be honest with each other, but now they have missed their chance and it's far too late. Tears of devastated regret come rushing down Amanda's cheeks faster than she can wipe them away, and she finds herself instantly engulfed in Olivia's warm embrace.
They hold one another tightly for several minutes, as if terrified of letting go, crumpled faces buried in shoulders and arms wound around shaking bodies, and Amanda is certain that Olivia is crying too. When they finally pull slightly away, arms still looped around each other's waists, blue eyes stare searchingly into brown before Amanda's lips slowly move close enough to brush against Olivia's. The older woman reciprocates right away and the kiss deepens incrementally, Amanda sliding her hands up Olivia's back and into those luscious locks of hair, her mouth opening to accept the brunette's tongue when she gently probes for access.
The gesture feels both passionate and sweet, as well as strangely familiar, like they have done this so many times before, goosebumps breaking out on her skin when Olivia's fingernails graze the bare patch between her sweater and jeans, tracing light circles there. When breathing eventually becomes an issue, they break the kiss to rest their foreheads against one another, their ragged breaths mingling in the scant, humid space amidst them.
"So what now?" Amanda whispers with a mixture of hope and trepidation; wishing fervently for a clear answer, as the last thing she wants to do is hurt Carisi, even in her desperation to be with Olivia.
She loves him, she really does; he is funny and kind, a caring and attentive husband, and he adores Jesse and Billie and treats them like they are his own daughters. But this just feels so incredibly right, standing here wrapped up in Olivia's strong, comforting embrace, her lips still tingling pleasantly from their kiss, and it is all she has ever wanted.
"I don't know," Olivia replies softly, the indecision obvious in her pinched features and furrowed brows. "But I don't want to be that person."
"What person?" Amanda feathers a hand through Olivia's hair again, loathe to see her so worried and upset, and eager to soothe her.
"The one who breaks up a family."
"You can't break up a family if it was already broken," Amanda acknowledges painfully, twisting a silky strand of hair around one finger and marveling at how perfectly the two of them fit together.
"Your family isn't broken," Olivia whispers in reply, Amanda's eyelids fluttering closed as a smooth hand begins stroking the tears from her cheeks.
"It is broken," Amanda insists with an anguished sob, her heart shattering at the thought of having to break this news to the kids. "We're just pretending it's not. I was never in love with my husband and I think he might know that, at least deep down. I love Carisi but I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with you, Liv."
"I'm in love with you too, Amanda."
They smile shakily at each other through their tears, both of their faces awash in a combination of joy and sorrow as their lips meet again and they quickly become lost in the kiss, Amanda's head spinning with a complex array of thoughts and emotions.
"What if you get bored of me too?" Olivia asks when it becomes necessary to breathe again, her voice sounding small and scared and not at all like the confident captain Amanda is used to.
"That's not possible, Liv," she assures her fiercely, her hands framing both sides of Olivia's face so they are gazing intensely at each other once more. "I've loved you since before I even met you. I belong with you."
Olivia gives her a tremulous smile at this response and nods her head slowly in agreement. "So what now?" she murmurs in a hushed tone, echoing Amanda's earlier question.
"We figure things out," Amanda states softly but firmly, pulling Olivia into another tight embrace and holding onto her like she never intends to let go. "Together."