Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The room was dark when Finn opened his eyes and the smell of disinfectant and caf hung in the air. He tried to remember where he was, but nothing was coming to him. The last thing he recalled was the attack on the Starkiller base, but things grew hazy after Han was murdered. Cold dread clutched at his stomach and slithered down his spine. Had he been captured? Was Phasma looming somewhere in the dark? Would someone come in at any second to begin torturing him? Or would they just shoot him as a traitor? Worst of all, had Rey been captured again and the Resistance destroyed?

Finn tried not to move, hoping to delay the moment anyone watching him through unseen cameras realized he was conscious. He peered about the room through half-closed eyes, looking for anything familiar. The room was lit only by the glow of what he finally recognized as medical equipment. But it wasn't the crude, outdated equipment that he was used to seeing in the medbays he had been sent to when injured in stormtrooper training. The bed he lay on was soft, almost too soft, and the sheets that lay over him were warm and smelled clean. Then finally he realized there was a figure in the room, sitting in a chair pulled close to the left side of his bed.

Finn stared at the figure slumped against his bed for long, agonizing minutes. Whomever it was, they were apparently sleeping since he could hear faint snores and the occasional whimper. Surely anyone from the First Order tasked with watching him wouldn't be this sloppy? Finally, he made a decision.

“Hello?” he tried to say, but his throat was dry and had the feeling of long disuse. Next to his hand was a small remote labeled in clear Aurebesh letters. He stabbed the button labeled “Lights” and dim light slowly filled the room, transforming the figure from a dark silhouette into a man. He was dressed in the deep orange flightsuit of an X-Wing pilot. The flightsuit was unzipped to his waist, revealing a tight white t-shirt stained with oil and dirt. His messy dark curls and the angle at which his head rested on the bed conspired to obscure his face. In his lap, clutched tightly in his hands even in sleep, was a familiar dusty brown jacket. The man shifted slightly, his sleep disturbed by the dim light, and Finn caught a glimpse of his face.

“Poe?” Finn breathed, his voice slightly stronger this time. He could feel tears misting up his eyes. He was so glad to see his friend, his first real friend outside of the Order. The other man stirred and lifted his head, turning bleary, sleep-filled eyes toward Finn.

“Buddy?” Poe's voice was dazed and husky from sleep, but the grin that spread across his face could have lit the room on its own. He flew out of the chair and started to grab Finn up into a hug before pulling back. He settled for an awkward shoulder pat. "Sorry, almost forgot about your back."

“What happened? Where am I?”

“We're back on D'Qar. You're in the medbay. You've been here for about two months, so you need to take it easy. You're still healing.”

Finn closed his eyes, trying to remember what could have happened to disable him for so long. Then everything clicked into place. Running away from the burning oscillator toward the Millennium Falcon. Confronting Kylo Ren. The sickening thud of Rey slamming into a tree. The brief, futile saber fight with the Dark Sider. The pain when Ren's blade slashed down on Finn's back.

“Rey?! Is Rey okay?” Finn frantically struggled to climb out of the bed. He made it halfway to sitting up and then his back exploded into fierce pain. It hurt so badly he couldn't breath and he collapsed back into the bed, sending fresh flares of pain shooting through his abused skin. The medical equipment's quiet beeps grew louder and more urgent as his vitals destabilized.

“Calm down, Finn. Rey is fine. She's fine. She kicked that Vader knockoff's tail. Even gave him a reason to wear that stupid mask. She and Chewie brought you back here,” Poe gently held Finn still, his voice soft and reassuring.

The doors to the medbay room swished open and Dr. Kalonia stood in the entrance, shooting a frigid glare Poe's way.

“Mr. Dameron, I only let you stay in here, constantly underfoot, because you assured me you wouldn't upset my patient if he woke up.”

“It's okay, I'm calm. I'm calm. Please don't make him leave,” Finn all but begged. He didn't want to be left alone with the doctor. This was the Resistance, so surely doctors were different here, but badly injured stormtroopers who went into First Order medbays almost never came back and he was afraid.

“I'm not leaving him until he's ready for me to leave,” Poe's voice was firm and the look he returned to the doctor held a dangerous glint in it.

Dr. Kalonia sighed and moved to Finn's side. While the look she had given the pilot had been as cold as Hoth, the one she reserved for Finn was far warmer. There was even a hint of a smile.

“It's good to see you awake. We were worried. It took a lot of work to repair the damage done to your back, but fortunately we have a steady supply of bacta and I'm occasionally good at my job. The nerves in your back and the skin are still regenerating though, so you're going to need to take it easy the next few days. No excessive walking, I'll get you a hoverchair, and you will use it no matter how unmanly you think it looks. You'll also need to come in every day so we can change the dressing on your wounds and make sure you're still healing properly. And you'll need therapy, several weeks of it at least. Now would you like something for the pain?”

Finn was overwhelmed. The doctor was stern, but her tone was kind and for the first time since he woke up he felt himself begin to relax. He was safe.

“Please,” he said, swallowing hard to force down the growing lump in his throat.

“While I'm making arrangements to release your friend, I suggest you make yourself useful, Mr. Dameron, and see about getting him a room to move into later today,” Dr. Kalonia strode briskly out of the room as she finished speaking.

Finn looked back to his friend and realized for the first time that he'd grabbed Poe's hand and had been holding onto it for dear life. Remembering Rey's reaction on Jakku to his instinctual hand-grabbing, he hurriedly dropped Poe's hand and felt his cheeks growing hot with embarrassment. Poe drew the hand back slowly and ducked his head, avoiding eye contact with Finn. He ran his hand through his hair, attempting to repair the damage sleep had done.

“But where is Rey?” Finn's voice trembled as he asked the question. If Poe had stayed, why wouldn't she have? Poe had turned to look back at Finn when he spoke and the former stormpilot saw something flicker briefly across the pilot's face at the mention of Rey's name. Finn didn't have a word for it; he wasn't even sure what it meant.

“She wanted to be here with you, but she had a mission. BB-8 and R2-D2 completed the map. She and Chewie went to find Luke Skywalker. She's sent messages, but she's not coming back here for awhile. She's doing weird Jedi … stuff, training or whatever, with Luke.”

“Can I talk to her? Will they let me?”

Poe's smirk came back to life as he said,” I have it on good authority that the best pilot in the Resistance is willing to pull some strings for you. I'm sure we can make that happen.”

“When you see him, tell him I said thank you,” Finn smirked back and Poe laughed. Finn couldn't remember the last time he'd heard someone laugh with such obvious delight. There wasn't much to laugh at in the First Order and when anyone did, it was usually meant someone was about to die horribly.

“All right, I'm just going to go see General Organa about getting you a room and then I'll come wait with you until Dr. Kalonia lets you go. Is that okay?”

“Better than okay.”

Poe patted Finn on the shoulder again and then turned to leave. He spotted the jacket on the floor where he'd dropped it and bent to rescue it. He turned and spread it over Finn.

“I managed to talk one of the tailor droids into patching this up for you. It looked like it had had a stay in a sarlaac pit when they brought you in, but you can barely tell now.”

“Poe, I can't keep this. It's yours,” Finn protested, but he didn't really mean it.

“I told you, it suits you. Now behave yourself and maybe I'll take us out for ice cream later,” Poe said and disappeared through the medbay doors. Finn could hear the sound of Poe whistling slowly fade into the distance. He lay in the bed quietly, staring at the door for new intruders almost guiltily and then gathered the jacket to his face and breathed deeply. All the days of Poe clutching it, waiting to give it back to Finn, had left his scent on the leather. Finn didn't recognize all of the elements that made up the smell, but it was something uniquely Poe that made him feel like his friend was still there with him. Then a thought occurred to him.

“Wait. What's ice cream?” Finn asked the empty room.

Chapter Text

Since it was just barely five in the morning, Poe decided to make a detour to his room before heading to General Organa's office. The general was almost certainly already in her office, since she seemed to rarely ever sleep. Despite that, Poe had learned very quickly that Leia Organa required several mugs of caf before she was ready to deal with anyone in the morning, even her favorite Resistance pilot. Most importantly of all, Poe was suddenly aware of the fact that it had been at least two days since he showered and he couldn't even remember the last time he'd shaved. Not the kind of impression he wanted to make on Finn when he was alert enough to notice Poe had turned into a slob while Finn was in a coma.

It wasn't until after the shower, when Poe was studying his face in the mirror while shaving, that he finally took notice of how badly the last two months had worn him. He was thinner, his face drawn, and the signs of many sleepless nights were under his eyes.

“Kriff, no wonder BB-8 has been nagging me to get more sleep,” Poe muttered. He dressed quickly and sat on his bed to pull on a pair of boots. Standing watch over Finn had not started as an ordeal. He had dropped in a few times a day to check on his friend, but Dr. Kalonia and the rest of the medical staff hadn't been especially worried about Finn. They'd assured Poe, Rey, and General Leia that he would come out of his coma soon and it was only a matter of healing his body enough. But that didn't happen.

Two weeks after the raid on the Starkiller base and a week after Rey had left, Finn was still unconscious. Poe was inundated with work, even with the First Order disorganized and in retreat. New recruits joined every day, seeking revenge for the murdered residents of the Hosnian system or in fear that the First Order might attack their homeworld next. The drawback to being the widely-agreed upon best pilot in the Resistance was Poe was tasked with training the prospective pilots. He also had to find a tactful way to push the recruits who would be more dangerous in a cockpit to themselves or their comrades than the enemy toward another area in the Resistance.

Finally though, Poe had more free time and Dr. Kalonia confided in him that she was beginning to worry about Finn. There were still no signs of him waking. She suggested Poe find ways of stimulating brain activity, like talking to him or playing music. Leia had promptly reassigned Poe's more taxing assignments to Jessika and Snap and that was how Poe ended up essentially moving into Finn's medbay room.

At first, it was almost relaxing. He would finish the few tasks he had for the day, grab a meal, and then head down to the medbay. Some days he brought his guitar and played and sang for Finn or told him stories and discussed the latest gossip with his silent friend. Others he would bring a portable holoviewer and watch the latest chapters of his favorite Holonet programs and avidly speculate on plot twists. All of it appeared to be helping and Finn seemed on the verge of waking up. Then he suddenly relapsed badly.

Weeks went by and Finn's vitals slowly deteriorated. Poe could barely bring himself to leave Finn's side. He ignored BB-8's worried beeps and his friends' cajoling, even General Organa's and Dr. Kalonia's orders barely disguised as suggestions that he take a break. He left only to shower and halfheartedly perform his assignments. He gave up the messhall for ration packs eaten sitting next to Finn. He even slept in a chair by the bed, when he slept, holding Finn's hand the whole time. Nothing helped and Finn grew visibly weaker. No one was willing to say it to Poe's face, but it was clear to him that no one in the medbay expected Finn to survive.

Two months into Finn's coma, General Organa came to make her daily visit and Dr. Kalonia intercepted her. Poe had stepped outside the room to fetch a glass of water and quietly followed after them as they retreated into the doctor's office.

“Leia, I'm at a loss. Nothing we've done has made any impact and with the rate his vitals are deteriorating, I'm afraid it's a matter of if, not when, we lose Finn.”

The general was silent for a moment and then said, “I've tried reaching him with the Force, but he's too … far away. Down too deep. Maybe if I were stronger, if I were Luke, I could bring him back, but I don't know what more to do either.”

“As little as I like the idea of losing a patient, especially one that did so much for the Resistance, I'm more worried about the impact this is having on Mr. Dameron. We can't afford to lose him also.”

“What's wrong with Poe?” the general asked, alarmed.

“He's beyond exhaustion. He's repressed his feelings over our … recent losses to an unhealthy degree and the combination of waiting vigil on Finn and what happened to him while he was held prisoner by the First Order isn't helping. In the past week, I've heard him waking up screaming from nightmares three times. If this situation lasts any longer, I'm afraid he's going to have a breakdown.”

When the general replied, her tone was bitter and tired, “We spent all of those years fighting, telling ourselves it was worth it because we were creating a better world for our children. We failed. And what we've created is a world worse than the one we inherited.”

“Leia,” the doctor said, protesting. “It's not your fault.”

“Make my apologies to Poe. I'm not sure I can handle being in that room right now,” the general said. The pain in her voice cut Poe deeply. He retreated to Finn's room before the general or the doctor could spot him.

When Dr. Kalonia had left after checking on Finn and explaining Leia's absence, Poe started talking to Finn, “Everyone thinks we're cocky, that we think we're immortal or something, us fighter pilots. But death is just a part of the job. We go out there and we know we're going to either kill the other guy or they're going to kill us. We can't worry about it or we can't do our job. And that's not to say it doesn't hurt when another pilot dies. Half of the people we lost at Starkiller base, I trained when they signed up. Some of them didn't even know how to turn on the damn engine before I got ahold of them. I miss them. But you and Han, you were different. When I thought you had died on Jakku and then you came back, it was like you were the exception. Death didn't want you. And Han got out of so many jams, I thought he'd outlive us all. He's always been there, ever since I was a kid. Him and Leia. They brought me the best toys when I was little, talked my parents into letting them take me all over the galaxy with … Ben. I idolized them both, Leia because she's Leia,/i> Han because he was a pilot like my mom. Like I wanted to be.”

Poe paused, trying to figure out where he was going with this. He looked down at Finn's face, hoping for something, some sign of life. When nothing happened, he continued, “Losing him was almost like losing my mom all over again. And then seeing you like this? I can't do it. I can't. Losing you both is too much, too soon and I'm not strong enough. So I need you to fight. If you can't fight for yourself, fight for me. Fight for Rey. Fight for Leia, so she doesn't have another dead soldier on her conscience. Please, just come back. Don't leave us.”

His voice cracked and he realized he was crying, sobbing even. He hadn't let himself dwell on losing Han until now or even really confront the idea of Finn's death. Finally, worn out, he fell asleep.

Less than a day later, Poe finished pulling his boots on, stood up and exited his quarters. He promptly stumbled over a round ball of indignant worry.

[I see you finally managed to recall the location of your quarters. Did you also manage to discover your bed while you were in there?] BB-8 scolded.

“Relax, little buddy. Finn's awake. Everything is going to be fine now,” Poe said, kneeling to pat the droid affectionately.

[And you showered too? I was getting tired of apologizing to the medical staff for your odors.]

“None of them understand astromech, you know that, right?”

[My body language is more than adequate to convey my messages. Wait, where are you going? Are you going to sleep in someone else's bed again? Why do you keep doing that anyway? Do I need to requisition a new mattress for your room? POE?!]

“I'll see you later, BB-8. I've got to go see the general,” Poe said. He felt slightly guilty about speeding away from the droid, but BB-8 had a way of arguing with him until he gave in out of exhaustion.

[ *untranslatable* fighter pilots.] BB-8 grumbled to a passing droid, who beeped back in agreement.

Chapter Text

Leia Organa's uncanny ability to be everywhere and know everything that happened on her base was legendary among the Resistance members. The X-wing pilots' favorite thing to do while getting new recruits drunk was tell horror stories about the various incredibly embarrassing things the General had caught them doing. If something happened on the base, she either saw it herself, someone reported it directly to her, or she sensed it through the Force. So, naturally, she knew that Finn was awake and Poe was on his way to her office almost before Poe had made it to his quarters.

Leia waited impatiently for Poe to quit dawdling, making steady progress through her caf supply as she waited. She picked up a datapad between mugs, studying scout reports on potential new base locations. Dismissing Snap's ridiculous suggestion of Tatooine with a swift finger swipe, she glared at the caf carafe which had betrayed her by being empty. She debated the question of whether she had enough time to have a fresh one brought in before Poe arrived and realized that doing so meant she would have to share. Before she could come to a decision, she felt the familiar presence of Poe hovering outside her door. A rare smile crossed her face as she realized that she could feel the steady loosening of the knot of despair and pain Poe had carried with him for weeks.

“Either knock or go away. Indecision makes me irritable,” Leia said after pressing the intercom button.

She heard Poe's surprised laugh and then the door slid open. Poe was utilizing his most charming smile, the one he used only when he wanted something from Leia or he was trying to get into someone's pants or pants-analogue. Leia met him with a raised eyebrow and the question, “What favor are you here to ask for now?”

“What, I can't visit my favorite general just to catch up? I'm hurt. I thought we were friends, family even,” Poe smirked, collapsing into the chair in front of Leia's desk.

“And you're one of the only ones who actually does that. But I can tell you want something because you're smoldering, so out with it,” Leia said. Assuming it wasn't anything too outrageous, she knew the odds were good she'd let him have whatever ridiculous thing he wanted. She knew it wasn't the best practice for a general to have favorites, but Poe was too well-liked and too vital to the Resistance for anyone to seriously resent it.

“I need a room for Finn to move into. There aren't any single rooms available right now and I don't want to put him with someone he doesn't know, especially with him needing so much help right now.”

“And you just so happen to be missing a roommate since the last one moved out complaining about how often he had to sleep out in the common room because you were “entertaining guests”, “ Leia said, her sarcasm only slightly withering. It had no effect on Poe anyway; he was entirely used to it.

“Hey, I told him he could have stayed and “entertained” too, but he was shy or something,” Poe replied, complete with air quotes.

“You're incorrigible.”

“All part of my charm.”

“That's debatable," Leia snorted. "I actually had Finn assigned to your room as soon as I got the message from medbay. And a droid should have dropped off freshly requisitioned clothes for him. Given how rarely you actually do your laundry, I doubt you have enough clean clothes for the both of you.”

“Has BB-8 been reporting on me to you?” Poe asked, looking surprised and more than a little guilty.

“More like a lucky guess, though we can blame the Force if it makes you feel better. But BB-8 does tell me everything.”

“Everything?!” Poe sounded horrified.

“Everything,” Leia said, her smile wide and filled with mischief.

There was an extended silence. Poe was blushing a deeper red than Leia had ever seen him turn, even during that one incident she had walked in on and done her very best to erase from her memories.

“Now scram. I've got work to do. You should try it, it builds character. Try not to corrupt Finn too badly. One of you is more than enough.”

Poe scrambled for the door and nearly made it out of Leia's office before she added, “And if you convince the astromech droids to address me as Leia Huttkiller ONE. MORE. TIME, you'll be the next one I strangle to death with a set of chains.”

The only response was a decidedly gleeful chuckle and the door hissing shut. Leia rolled her eyes, while picking the datapad back up to continue checking her messages. The next one was also from Snap and without a subject. She opened it warily and then hurriedly switched the audio off.

“Oh, for kriff's sake, Wexley, stop sending me that damn video and do some work!” Leia groaned.

Chapter Text

It didn't take long for the novelty of the medbay, such as it was, to wear off. For the last hour, Finn had been fussed over, poked, prodded, scanned, and stared at. It was disconcerting to have so many people and droids paying this much attention to him. The only part that was even remotely enjoyable was the pleasant haze the painkillers had cast over the world; a haze which helped dull the instincts shrieking at him to run away and hide. Naturally, he'd made the mistake of mentioning enjoying the sensation to one of the nurses. He wouldn't forget that “Just don't do drugs, kids.” speech for a long time. There was even a slideshow and it was terrifying.

Finally, FINALLY, he was seated in his own hoverchair. Driving this with a little less supervision was definitely on the list of things he wanted to do in the near future. Someone whose name he had already forgotten was instructing him on his schedule for the next few weeks. It involved a lot of physical therapy and entirely too much one-on-one time with his own personal medical assistant droid. It was almost enough to make him wish for the coma again. Just when Finn was beginning to think he was going to be kicked out into the hallway with no one but an acerbic medical droid for company, Poe breezed into the medbay. BB-8 rolled in after him, chirping and beeping furiously.

“Guess what?” Poe said, flashing a blinding grin at Finn.

“I only have two weeks to live?”

“Don't be morbid, buddy. We're going to be roommates. Just you, me, BB-8, and this fine droid here who I don't know, but am sure I will come to know and love.”

“Sharing a room with someone like you doesn't sound like a particularly effective part of the healing process,” the medical droid said. BB-8's eye focused on the other droid and they let loose a particularly annoyed sounding stream of astromech.

“Aren't you a foul-mouthed little rustbucket,” the medical droid said while Poe unsuccessfully tried to disguise his laugh as a cough.

BB-8 turned their attention and vocalizations back to Poe and he replied, “Good idea. I could use some food and I'm sure Finn could too. Is that okay … um, I'm sorry, what's your name?”

“MC-0Y,” the medical droid replied. “And I don't answer to any nicknames, so forget whatever it was you were straining yourself to come up with. As for food, the patient needs to restrict his diet to light foods for the first 48 hours. Soups, broths, gelatins, porridge, etc. NO ALCOHOL. I know what you pilots are like.”

“Don't be ridiculous, we're saving the booze for tomorrow," Poe told the droid. "Want to swing by the mess hall, Finn? Or I could get some food and bring it back to the room. But if you come to the mess hall, I can introduce you to everybody.”

“Everybody? As in everyone on the base?” Finn asked. It sounded like a terrible idea.

“We can start small and work our way up to everybody. Maybe just the first fifty or so of my closest friends,” Poe suggested. Then he yelped as BB-8 rammed into his legs. “Okay, I'm sorry. No more teasing, I promise. Okay, maybe some teasing, but in measured doses.”

Poe managed to push his way between MC-0Y and Finn's hoverchair and took over the controls. He coaxed slightly more speed out of it than was either needed or recommended and took the hallways at a quick jog. The medical droid fell behind almost immediately. Slowly, reluctantly, a grin crossed Finn's face. He wasn't happy about being trapped in the chair, but this was actually kind of fun. Especially when they turned corners. That was almost like flying, something Finn was surprised to realize he missed.

And then they were at the mess hall. Finn had expected something like the First Order's mess; all steel and dark materials with an odor of disinfectant and the low buzz of hundreds of people eating nutrition cubes in total silence. Instead it was loud and chaotic, the air filled with rich, spicy odors, music, and the roar of several hundred people shouting over the din to communicate with the other people at their tables. Droids swooped through the crowds, cleaning off tables, replacing chairs, and picking up tray after tray of dirty dishes.

“It's a little much, isn't it?” Poe asked. “You'll get used to it, but if you need to leave, just say the word and I'll whisk you away.”

“It's okay. Really. It's good. I like it. But my stomach is growling like those rathtars Rey let loose on us.”

“Your implied wish is my command. Let me find you a table and I'll go grab us some grub.”

Poe moved them through the crowd purposefully, acknowledging the many waves and hellos as quickly as he could without slowing their progress. Finally he pushed Finn into place at a table occupied on one side by two people Finn recognized as X-Wing pilots and a woman roughly around his age that he didn't recognize.

“Finn, this is my friend Jess, some guy we call Snap that we can't get rid of, and Kay, who only sits with us because she thinks Jess is pretty. Guys, be nice to my buddy while I get him food. That goes double for you, Snap.”

Poe patted Finn on the shoulder and then disappeared back into the crowd. Finn's stomach twisted nervously as he stared back at the three new people. They looked friendly at least.

“So, the Hero of Starkiller Base is at our table,” Snap said. “Everyone is going to be jealous.”

“It's good to see you escaped the doctor dungeon,” Jess said. Her smile was open and warm and Finn relaxed a bit.

“Poe is too nice to say it, so I will. Ignore Snap, he's an idiot,” Kay interjected.

“Hey, don't be tarnishing my honor in front of the hero. I didn't embarrass you when the new Jedi came through.”

“Snap, you couldn't not embarrass us if you tried,” Kay said, but it lacked any real barb.

“What do you mean, Hero of Starkiller Base? I didn't do anything. That was all you guys, and Poe and Rey and … Han,” Finn said. His voice caught a bit on the last syllable and the other three carefully pretended not to notice.

“Man, you took down the shields and fought Darth Masky. Plus you gave us the intel to begin with. We'd all be space debris right now if it weren't for you,” Snap said.

“Seriously. We're grateful. I can't imagine how hard that all must have been, just days after abandoning the First Order,” Jess said.

Finn shifted uncomfortably, not entirely certain what to do with this praise and wished Poe would hurry back. After an awkward moment or two, Snap picked the conversation back up. It didn't take Finn long to wish he hadn't.

“Sooo. You and Poe. Is that a thing that's happening? Because there is a betting pool and I've got some credits on the line.” Kay rolled her eyes and Jess punched Snap just slightly too hard for it to be friendly.

“What? I don't follow.”

“You know. Like, are you doing it or planning on doing it?” Snap asked and made a gesture that Finn didn't recognize, but still managed to grasp the meaning of.

“No! He's just my friend. Why would you even ask that?” Finn could feel his face exploding into flame. He was aware of the mechanics of what the pilot was suggesting, but he'd never even thought about doing it with anyone. And Poe of all people. That was ridiculous. Like he would ever be interested.

“Because he's an idiot. I think we talked about this,” Kay said.

“He's an idiot who's going to be scrubbing the entire X-Wing fleet with a toothbrush if Poe finds out he's making you uncomfortable,” Jess added. Both women had scooted away from Snap, leaving sizable gaps on either side of him.

“Finn! I've got something for you the cook droids assured me was definitely a foodlike substance,” Poe said, setting a tray down in front of Finn. If he'd heard the abruptly ended conversation, he showed no signs of it and Finn wasn't inclined to bring it to his attention.

BB-8 was close behind Poe and disappeared under the table. A split second later, Snap leapt out of his chair, yelling in startled pain.

“Dammit, Poe, your droid just shocked me again. You need to teach them some manners.”

Finn bit back a grin. Poe might have missed the topic, but the little droid clearly hadn't. It was nice to know that after the rocky start they'd gotten off to on Jakku, BB-8 was clearly on his side now.

“Their manners are fine. It's yours that could use some work,” Poe said and then addressed the droid. “I'm sure he deserved that.”

Finn tentatively poked a spoon into the bowl of mushy brown stuff and tasted the tiny amount he scooped out. To his surprise, it actually tasted good. His second spoonful was significantly larger and he quickly began to demolish the contents of the bowl.

“Have you had caf before?” Kay asked, pointing at the mug on Finn's tray.

“No, it was on the banned substances list. Is it good?”

“Caf is the reason for existence,” Kay said solemnly and everyone nodded in agreement.

Finn picked the mug up and took a careful sip. The bitter flavor made him recoil, but the warmth as it went down was pleasant.

“It's interesting,” he said, somewhat dubiously.

“Poe, give the kid some sugar,” Snap said and yelped again as he suffered an unseen blow.

“I'm not sure what's going on here, but I'm electing to ignore it. For now,” Poe said, dumping sugar into Finn's mug and stirring it.

Finn took another cautious sip, “It's okay, I guess. Normally I just drink water with meals.” The pilots and Kay shook their heads sadly.

Kay's datapad began chirping urgently. She pressed a few buttons and made a face, then pushed back her chair, “It's been fun, except for all the parts that weren't, but I've got to report to Ops. Bye, Jess. I'll understand if you murder Snap without me.”

“I wouldn't dream of it. Murder is reserved solely for date nights,” Jess said. Kay kissed her on the cheek before leaving and Finn cocked his head, curious, but not wanting to ask in case it was rude.

“Kay and Jess are a couple,” Poe whispered to him and the sudden shock of the pilot's warm breath on his ear made him shiver.

Snap and Jess started talking about something technical and complicated and BB-8 had joined in. The droid sounded downright argumentative and the other pilots' attention was diverted enough that Finn felt safe to engage Poe on the subject, “I'm just not used to that being okay.”

Poe gave him a strange look, “Is it because they're both women?”

“What? No. What?" Finn replied, confused. "We weren't allowed to … fraternize. Hugging, kissing, other … stuff. It was all against the rules. They said that affection would weaken us.”

“That has to be about the stupidest way to run an army I've ever heard of. You don't have to worry about anything like that here. If anything, we're pro-fraternization.”

“Very pro-fraternization, in Poe's case,” Snap added.

“Okay, we're done here, gotta go,” Jess said and practically drug Snap to his feet. “Poe, see you later, Finn, nice to meet you, don't be a stranger, bye!”

“I feel like I'm missing something,” Poe said, watching his friends rush away.

Finn just shrugged, not wanting to suffer through the humiliation of explaining the context. He'd finished eating and so sat there watching Poe finish his own plate. For a second, he let himself picture Poe kissing him like Kay had Jess and then his mind skittered away from it uncomfortably.

“Just stick with me today. This is going to be awesome,” Poe said and Finn forced himself to smile back at him. He wondered if this weirdness in the pit of his stomach was one of those side-effects the nurse had warned him about.

Chapter Text

Poe lay on his bed, paging through an incredibly dull report on a datapad. MC-0Y and Finn had somehow both crammed into the small washroom so the droid could help their patient shower. It didn't sound like it was going well, if the irritated raised voices were anything to go by. Altogether though, Poe thought today had been a success. He'd shown Finn every cranny of the base, introduced him to all of his favorite people, made sure he got all three meals, and managed to halfway forget that just 24 hours earlier Finn had been all but a dead man. The only rough patch had been when he accidentally took Finn past the memorial wall and Finn spotted the plaque dedicated to Han. Finn had sat in front of it for the longest time and refused to talk about it afterward. Poe didn't need the Force to know that Han's death was as much an open wound for Finn as it was for him.

The washroom door slid open and Finn moved out in his hoverchair, looking decidedly sulky. MC-0Y somehow managed to look even more foul-tempered, despite the lack of any moving facial features.

“Did you have fun in there?” Poe asked, hiding his grin behind the datapad.

“No,” was the reply from the droid and if tones of voice could alter the temperature, then the room would have frozen solid.

“Hey, Poe?” Finn said. He moved his chair next to Poe and poked the pilot in the arm until he put the datapad down and paid attention. “You never did get us any of that ice cream stuff you mentioned. I'm feeling betrayed.”

“Oh, damn. I'm sorry, I had the kitchen make it and everything and I completely forgot,” Poe said and bolted up from the bed toward the door.

“Poe?” Poe heard Finn say just as he was about to leave the room.

“Yeah, buddy?”

“I don't know exactly know how everything works around here, but you should probably put a shirt on before you leave. And shoes would be a good idea, considering all of the gravel and stuff between here and the mess hall.”

Poe glanced down at his present state of only wearing sweatpants and laughed,” I doubt anyone would complain, but that's a good point. What would I do without you?”

“Probably be dead,” Finn deadpanned and there was definitely a smirk on his face when Poe had finished pulling his t-shirt over his head and could see again.

[Accurate] BB-8 commented from the corner of the room where they were currently plugged into the Holonet port.

“No fair, you're not supposed to take his side,” Poe complained.

[Maybe I like him better. He doesn't argue with me and he is very cute, for a human. Don't you think Finn is cute, Poe? I've detected unusual changes in your heart rate and pupil dilation and other things I'm too polite to mention when you speak to him.]

“That's … what?! I'm not answering that.”

[Statistically speaking, I've learned that evasive answers from you almost always mean the answer is yes. Why don't you want Finn to know you think he's cute? You've never displayed this type of behavior before when encountering someone with whom you desire to mate.]

“Okay, aren't you supposed to be in your charging cradle right now?” Poe said. He could tell he was blushing and hoped the dimmed lights were enough to hide it from Finn, who was looking back and forth between him and the little droid with a bemused expression on his face. And then Poe remembered MC-0Y understood Binary. Blushing even harder, he turned and fled the room, completely forgetting about putting his boots back on.

[COMPLIMENTS ARE AN ESSENTIAL ASPECT OF A SUCCESSFUL ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP!] was the response he heard screeching out of the closing door behind him.

What the hell had gotten into that droid? Of course he liked the way Finn looked. Anyone with eyes and an appreciation for human aesthetics would. But Finn was obviously in love with Rey and besides, he was so damn innocent. Making a move on him would be like clubbing baby banthas over the head. And anyway, he was just a friend. A good friend, but nothing more. Obviously the droid had spent too much time around Snap during the last two months.

Those were the thoughts running through Poe's head on an endless, uncomfortable loop as he apologized profusely to the kitchen staff for never coming back by to get the batch of mystery berry (so called because no one was ever sure what kind of berries they used or if they even were berries) ice cream from them that he had charmed them into making earlier in the day. Then he was rushing back to the room, regretting bitterly the lack of footwear.

If he lived to be as old as Maz, Poe didn't think he would ever forget the look on Finn's face when he first tasted ice cream. It was worth every second of having to listen to MC-0Y's irritated complaints about unhealthy nutrition choices. The expression was equal parts awe and bliss and it broke Poe's heart more than a little to think of how deprived Finn's life had been in the First Order. Poe was barely touching his own bowl as he lay on his bed staring across the narrow gap between the beds at Finn, his head propped up on his arm. Finn was held upright on a precarious stack of pillows piled against the headboard and he clutched his bowl of ice cream like a dying man given the secret of immortality.

“And we can eat this whenever we want?”

“Well, not quite. Just when the kitchen has the ingredients and the patience to make it. Plus if you eat too much of it, you'll get sick.”

“And completely disrupt your recommended daily calorie intake,” MC-0Y added.

“That's the boring reason.”

[It's nearly midnight. You both have early mornings. SLEEP. Also, tell Finn that you like his face, Poe. You know you want to.] BB-8 said from their charging station as they prepared to shut down for the night.

“Hush. We're both adults, entirely capable of deciding when we want to go to sleep. And we are not having that other conversation.”

“I'd rather not start a habit of agreeing with the little nuisance over there, but the patient is displaying signs of increasing exhaustion. Rest is medically advised,” MC-0Y said.

“Do we have to?” Finn asked and he sounded so young and plaintive that Poe couldn't help but smile at him.

“Do you want the doc and the droids mad at me because I kept you up all night?” Poe asked and then flushed as he realized what he'd said. Poe had never been a blusher before he met Finn. It was disconcerting.

“No. But today was a good day. I don't want it to be over.”

“Tomorrow will be a good day too. I'll make sure of that. I want all your days to be good. You deserve that.”

Finn was quiet for a long time before turning the lights on his half of the room off. He whispered into the dark,” You're a good man, Poe.”

Poe turned his own lights off and pulled the blankets over himself. He lay awake for a long time. Finn didn't last nearly as long and Poe could hear the other man snoring softly. He stared at the ceiling nearly invisible in the darkness and reviewed the day over and over again. He was tired beyond exhaustion, but so happy he didn't want to give in and close his eyes.

Sleep did catch up with Poe at last and he slipped into unconsciousness. For a while, his sleep was deep and dreamless, but that wasn't how the entire night was going to go. The nightmare started innocuously enough, like they always did. He was in the hangar, doing some routine maintenance on his X-Wing that was mainly an excuse to get sweaty and oil-stained enough to fluster people when he walked by. For some reason, all of the wires were made of noodles and BB-8 was pink and only spoke in Huttese. Then Jess wandered through dressed like a Jedi and holding an enormous cluster of balloons that all looked like Finn's face. He didn't notice at first that the sun was slowly going out. He did notice when the only light left was a dim, flickering red glow. The sound of energy crackling filled his ears and then a voice.

“I didn't know we had the best pilot in the Resistance on board,” hissed into his ear, a voice filtered through some kind of electronic device. It was still unmistakably Ben's voice, but crueler and colder than it ever had been even when things had started to go wrong before Leia sent him to Luke.

Poe froze, too terrified to move. He could feel the heat of the blade hovering near his left temple and the pressure of Ren's gloved hand on the nape of his neck.

“What do you want?” There was no bravado in his voice, even though he desperately wanted it to be there. He could hear the terror in his trembling voice and knew Ren must love it.

“I want a great many things which will all come to me in time. Right now, I just want to make you scream.”

The hand disappeared from his neck but now Ren was inside his mind, a slicing agony comprised of the dimly remembered pain of every injury Poe had sustained over his three decades of life. That time he broke his arm, the burns from the engine fire two years ago, the ribs that cracked when a speeder bike slammed into him when he was fourteen and visiting Coruscant for the first time. The far worse pain that has no physical source surged up as well. The death of his mother, his father telling him about the massacre at the New Jedi Temple and how there were no survivors, the moment when he saw Finn laying limp and dying in Chewbacca's arms. Behind the agony, he can hear Ren laughing and for a second he almost sounded like Ben again.

Poe sat up in his bed, a scream tearing itself involuntarily out of his mouth. He gasped for air like he had been trapped under water nearly to the point of drowning, sweat pouring off of him and saturating the sheets. There was a clank of metal as the medical droid came out of hibernation mode and turned inquisitive eyes toward him before a blur of motion flew out of Finn's bed into MC-0Y. There was a tremendous crashing noise and the sound of the droid powering down.

“Finn? Are you okay?”

“I'm okay. I don't think I can get back up, but I'm okay,” was the answer from the floor.

Poe hit the button by his bed to turn the lights on, revealing Finn lying tangled in the limbs of the medical droid with his hands clenched over the droid's power button. He looked terrified. Poe cursed mentally, knowing this was his fault. He took Finn's hand and pulled him to his feet, but Finn nearly collapsed again and the unexpected weight combined with Poe's own body trembling in unfaded fright caused them to tumble backward onto Poe's bed.

“Sorry, I'm sorry. You woke me up and I was afraid MC-0Y would report you and I couldn't let that happen so I just acted. A hard power down should have kept the last few minutes of their memory from going into permanent storage, so it should be okay as long as nobody else heard you,” Finn said, the only strength left in his body seemingly in the arms he had wrapped tightly around Poe.

Poe tried to get up so he could lead Finn back to his own bed, but Finn only clung harder to Poe and buried his face in Poe's neck. Poe wasn't sure, but he thought he felt tears running down Finn's face.

“I don't understand. Why were you so worried about the droid hearing me?”

“Because they'll take you away! Whenever troopers would get damaged in the head from fighting or the training and they started having nightmares and screaming in their sleep or panicking during weapons training, Phasma would have them taken away for reconditioning. If it didn't take, then she took them away and we never saw them again. I had to stop MC-0Y from telling anyone. You can't leave me!”

Finn was starting to hyperventilate. Poe pulled Finn loose from his neck with difficulty and made eye contact with him,” Finn. I'm not going anywhere. Nobody is going to take me away. I'm not leaving you. Just breathe. Slower. Slower. The worst they might do is give me some medicine and make me talk about my feelings to someone. It's okay. I'm not leaving you. I would never do that to you.”

Finn managed to get his breathing under control and looked ashamed, “I'm sorry. I know things are different here. I just forget sometimes.”

“Don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong. This is my fault. I should have known better than to move you in here without warning you. Hell, I should have done something about this when the nightmares started,” Poe said. He could still hear Ren laughing, but he pushed it out of his mind, focusing on Finn instead.

“I don't think I can get back up. I guess you're going to have to reactivate MC-0Y and get him to move me,” Finn said. He still sounded ashamed and it just made Poe feel worse.

“No, it's fine. I'll sleep in your bed tonight and you can have mine. We'll deal with the droid in the morning.”

Poe tucked Finn underneath his blankets and sat on the edge of the bed watching his friend slowly drift back into sleep. He slowly eased his hand free from Finn's clutch and stood up. Finn's face in sleep was free of the tension that had creased it all day, even when he had laughed and seemed to be enjoying himself. Acting on a barely understood impulse, Poe leaned down and kissed him on the forehead.

Poe climbed into Finn's bed and lay staring at the ceiling again. The happiness from earlier was long gone. His throat was ragged from his screams and the sweat had chilled uncomfortably on his skin, sticking his shirt to him like slime. He ripped it off and threw it on the floor and realized he was still trembling. He'd thought this was over, that it was just the stress of not knowing what was going to happen to Finn. He ran through an endless stream of increasingly foul curses in every language he knew, seeing the horror on Finn's face over and over again and knowing it was his fault.

The rustling sound of movement from the other bed interrupted his stream of self-recrimination and then he heard Finn's voice, calling softly to him,“Poe? Are you still awake?”

“Yeah. Do you need something? Some water maybe?”

“Yes. No. Uhh, this might sound weird, but can you sleep with me? I keep waking up and I can't see you and I start to panic again.”

Poe wasn't sure what to say. He wanted to comfort Finn, but the beds were very small and suddenly the idea of being so close to the other man made him feel uneasy.

“I don't know if that's a good idea, buddy.”

“Okay,” Finn said and there was a barely audible trace of hurt in his voice. Poe thought for a long moment about what a bad idea this was, but he still got up and moved to Finn's bed. As soon as heslid under the blanket, Finn burrowed into his side, resting an arm and his head on Poe's bare chest. He was asleep again almost immediately, but Poe was left with something new to stare at the ceiling and fret over.

“Kriff. I don't just want to be his friend,” was the last thing Poe thought before falling into a blessedly dreamless sleep.

Chapter Text

Jessika Pava considered herself a patient, tolerant person. She put up with a lot of things that irritated her, like Poe's ability to have perfect hair after spending 24 hours in a X-Wing cockpit or Snap's utter inability to not hit Forward All when he sent a really stupid meme to someone. But there was one thing she had no patience for and that was people interrupting her sleep for anything less than an emergency. That's why the racket coming from Poe's room initially set her on edge. And then she mentally reviewed what she had heard. Yells, thuds, bedsprings creaking loudly?

“You've got to be kidding me, Dameron. Please tell me you didn't just kick Finn out of the room less than a day after he woke up from a coma so you could get laid,” she muttered angrily, throwing the covers back and groping around the floor for her boots.

Jess stormed through the barracks halls into the common area, looking for Finn. It was a running joke among everyone who lived in this housing block that the sofa in the common room was the actual bed for whomever was Poe's current roommate. Tonight though, instead of Finn on the sofa, it was Snap. He was snoring loudly, bathed in the glow of the end credits of “You've Got Ewoks”, a romantic comedy holovid that not even Jess could bring herself to sit through. A grin of malicious glee crossed her face; she was never going to let Snap forget about this.

“Hey, wake up!” she yelled, barely an inch away from Snap's ear. He rolled violently off of the sofa, limbs flailing in every direction, and somehow managed to throw a pillow at her in the midst of it all. She dodged it and stared down at him, smirking.

“Jess, whhhhyyyy?”

“Because it amused me? But never mind that, have you seen Finn?”

“No. Why?”

“Thought I'd check on him. I heard Poe “entertaining” tonight and I doubt Finn's the kind who likes to watch.”

“I've been in here since we all left the mess hall after dinner. Haven't seen Finn, saw Poe awhile ago. He had ice cream. Wouldn't share.”

“Wait, there's no way to leave this building without coming through here.”

“Which means if you're right about what you thought you heard, I've got some bets to collect tomorrow,” Snap's grin was as wide as it was smug.

“And if you're right about that, Dameron's going to have a broken face,” Jess said as she spun around and stomped back toward her room. “Perpetually horny manchild.”

“You're just mad you'll owe me twenty credits!”

Everything was silent when Jess got back to her room. She half-wished her roommate wasn't away on a mission, just so she had someone she could wake up and rant at. Instead, she decided to make sure she woke up early enough to catch Poe before he could slip out of his room in the morning. Truthfully, it wouldn't be that hard. Poe almost always slept late unless he actually had a job to do.

Morning arrived and a fully-dressed, calmer Jess waited outside her neighbors' door. Surprisingly, the new pair of roommates managed to get up at a decent time, something Jess suspected had more to do with Finn than Poe. Finn looked nervous as he edged out of the room in his hoverchair with his grouchy medical droid following close behind, but that didn't set off any alarms. In the short time Jess had known him, she had never seen him look relaxed. The way he flinched away from Poe when the other man attempted to pat his shoulder made Jess' stomach knot though.

“Good morning, Jess,” Finn mustered up a smile for her but it was thin and forced.

“Hey, Finn. Would you go ahead and save us a seat in the mess? I've got to talk to Dameron about something,” Jess said. She was doing her best to maintain her composure to keep from upsetting Finn.

“Uh, sure. Hey, BB-8, keep me company while I wait?”

[Affirmative. I like how anxious Poe gets when he hasn't seen me in longer than ten minutes. You should consider a similar strategy, Finn.]

“I have no idea what all of that meant, but it sounded like a yes. See you later, Jess. And Poe.”

After the droids and Finn had disappeared around the corner, Poe asked through a yawn, “What's up, Pava?”

“Had a late evening? Didn't get much sleep?” Jess asked, voice full of sweet venom.

“I'm getting a bad feeling about this conversation,” Poe eyed her warily.

“You know our rooms share a common wall, right?”

“Of course. We've lived next to each other as long as we've both been on this base.”

“So you know the soundproofing, while better than average, isn't perfect. Over the years, we've both heard things from the other's room we'd probably rather not hear, right?”

“Yeah, sure. Where is this going?”

“So last night, while I was trying to sleep, I heard noises from your room. Loud, familiar noises. Of a variety I wasn't expecting to hear with you having a new, still injured roommate.”

“Okay, unless you have a point you're getting to, I'm going to go get some caf and breakfast,” Poe said and started to walk away.

Jess stepped into his path and stopped him with a palm against his chest. They were close enough in height that she didn't have to stretch much to get in his face. “Did you sleep with Finn?”

“Yeah,” Poe's still slightly groggy brain, distracted with the thought of caf, realized a half second too late what Jess had actually meant. “Wait, not like you meant ….”

He'd started to correct himself too late. Jess grabbed two handfuls of his shirt and slammed him against the wall, shouting, “Poe Dameron, what the hell were you thinking? Have you seen the way he looks at you? Kriff, you were literally the first friend he ever had. Of course he'd say yes to whatever you asked.”

Poe just stared back at her, speechless. She let go of him and walked away. Poe could be irritating, of course. He was an absurdly good pilot, handsome enough that even she got flustered occasionally, could draw tears out of the gruffest soldier with his music, and so nice that people actually liked him despite it all. But this? This wasn't a cute character quirk. This was wrong and she fully intended to go to the General over it.

“Jess. I didn't … we didn't do anything like that. I wouldn't. Don't you know me well enough to know I'd never take advantage of somebody like that?” Poe said and his voice was so serious, so laden with pain that she stopped in mid-indignant stride. In all of the years she had known Poe, she had never heard him sound like that before. Clearly there was a hell of a lot more going on here than just some simple infatuation and one-night stand.

“Then what did happen? Explain things to me,” she said, turning to face him. The look on his face sent a stab of regret straight to her heart. He looked like he had aged at least ten years in the time she had turned her back and all of the cocky swagger had leeched right out of him. He wasn't a demigod anymore, just a man and a tired one at that.

“I had a nightmare. One of the bad ones. Remember, I told you about them.”

“Yeah. I thought you said they were getting better.” Poe winced a bit at the reproach in her voice.

“I lied. I didn't want anyone to worry. I thought they might make me stay away from Finn and I couldn't risk him waking up alone and afraid.”

“So what happened after you had the nightmare?” she prompted.

“Finn … I scared him. Badly. He had a panic attack. Apparently troopers who are … broken like me get thrown away like garbage in the First Order.”

“He has to know we would never do that to our people.”

“Finn knows that. But you don't just wake up one day and forget a lifetime of abuse and brainwashing. He just panicked. And then afterwards, he couldn't sleep. Kept starting to have attacks again whenever he dosed off. He asked me to sleep in his bed. That's all. Just sleeping,” Poe's face was so earnest and the pain in his eyes was so raw that Jess had no trouble believing him. Poe's inability to keep his every emotion off of his face was the reason he never played sabacc with them anymore.

“I'm sorry. I shouldn't have assumed the worst,” Jessica said and pulled him into a tight hug. “I just feel the urge to protect him. I know you guys make fun of me, say I'm “mothering” people, but he deserves so much better than what's happened to him. And all of you are completely terrible at taking care of yourselves. Even Kay.”

“It's a good instinct, Pava. Nothing to be ashamed of.”

Jess pushed him back and held him at arms-length, studying his face and the slight smile that had managed to come across it, “You need to take care of yourself too. You look worn down. It's not a good look for you. You won't do Finn or anyone else any good trying to be a martyr.”

“So. Breakfast?” he asked and broke the moment. They both laughed a bit awkwardly and turned to walk down the hall.

“I really am sorry. Especially the part where I slammed you into the wall.”

“But being slammed into walls is one of my favorite things.”

“Damn it, Poe! Do I tell you about my kinks?”

“No, but you could,” Jess could hear the eyebrow wiggle in his voice without even having to look at his face.

“No. That conversation, never happening. Ever. Not even if we live as long as Chewie. I'm about to die from embarrassment just thinking about it.”

Breakfast was a quiet affair. The instant Snap started to say anything about betting pools, Jess just mouthed the words “You've Got Ewoks” at him and he settled into abashed silence. Kay looked exhausted and explained she'd been up half the night working on plans for the next base relocation. Jess worried that she was working too hard. Kay adored Leia Organa to the point that she wore her hair braided almost identically to the style Leia had worn when she was younger than any of them and fighting Darth Vader. Kay was fully capable of exhausting herself into the medbay if that's what it took to impress the General.

Poe tried to keep things light and the conversation going, but Jess could see his heart wasn't really in it and Finn contributed almost nothing. Any time Poe tried to touch him or even came close to him, he flinched away and the look on his face was almost guilty. Jess had a feeling she knew what his problem was, but could think of no way to broach the subject with him that wouldn't be awkward and embarrassing for them both.

Finally everyone was finished and separating off in every direction. Finn to therapy, MC-0Y following as usual. Kay to some sort of logistics meeting, Snap to do whatever it was that he did and called work. Poe had a mission to prep for and Jess had nothing at all to do. It was a weird feeling, especially after the added workload she'd taken on during Finn's coma.

A few hours later and Jess remembered how much she hated days off. There was nowhere to go on the base besides go to the mess hall, the gym, and her room. There wasn't even a proper bar, just whatever alcohol people had managed to hide away from the all-seeing eye of the General. She couldn't even bother her girlfriend, since Kay was still locked in a meeting room. Out of sheer bored desperation, she finally wandered down to the hangars, knowing full well she was in for a round of teasing about her inability to enjoy time off.

The hangars were sparsely populated today, but she saw Poe crossing the hangar from his tiny, closet-sized office toward the current location of Black One and BB-8. A crowd of mechanics and a few stray pilots crossed paths with Poe and they all huddled together to talk. Jess quickened her pace to join the group and was about to yell a greeting when the chat took a turn for the worse.

“Hey, Dameron, where's that buckethead you're always following around? He finally put out and you got bored with him?” It was one of the mechanics, someone Jess had given serious thought to putting into the medbay nearly every day since he had joined. Some of the other people standing near him demonstrated their poor life choices by laughing.

“What did you say?” Poe's voice was calm and so low that Jess almost couldn't hear it. Unlike the man who had decided to antagonize him, Jess knew what that voice and the tension clearly present in his body language meant.

“You heard me. We've all seen the way you follow that buckethead around. It's sick. How many Resistance fighters did he kill before he decided to have a nice holiday away from the General's psychotic son and that chick in the shiny armor? Organa must be getting senile letting him roam around here.”

Jess had reached the outer ring of bystanders, but too late to do anything about the situation. Poe took two quick steps forward, his entire body rigid with pure rage, and punched the other taller, burlier man in the jaw. Hard. The offending smack talker was out cold when he hit the ground and everyone froze in shock, staring at Poe. Most of them had never so much as seen him angry, much less violent.

“Anyone else want to open their mouths and spew some stupidity about my friend? Or the General?” Jess barely recognized her friend. All the laid-back, good-natured calm he was known for was gone and the only thing left was barely controlled, icy cold rage. There were no takers on his offer.

“Poe, come on. Let's get out of here,” Jess reached out to him and tugged him away by his uniform jacket. They retreated into Poe's office. BB-8 followed after taking a brief, spiteful moment to shock the mechanic back into consciousness with their taser attachment.

“Want to talk about it?” Jess sat down on Poe's desk and watched while he slammed drawers opened and closed. He yanked a bottle of Correllian brandy out from under what looked like the guts of an astromech droid and began filling two caf mugs with the drink.

“On duty? The General would skin you alive if she walked in. And me too for enabling you.”

“And yet I don't see you turning it down,” Poe said as he tried for a smirk and failed.

Jess took a cautious sip, half-expecting some horrible off-brand rotgut. Poe was exactly the kind of guy to buy terrible alcohol and never be told how wretched it was because no one wanted to hurt his feelings. Surprisingly, it was good. Better than good, amazing really.

“It was a gift. From Han. Never drink much, so it's been sitting around. Seems like a good day to break it out.”

[I will monitor your alcohol consumption to insure you remain unimpaired while on duty.] BB-8's tone was neutral but something about the tilt of their “head” looked disapproving.

“Buddy, it's not like I'm going out flying. I'm just sitting here, visiting with my friends ...”

“And trying really hard to distract me from asking you the obvious questions,” Jess interrupted.

“And what would those be?”

“Do you have feelings for Finn?”

[Yes.]

“Can't a guy just defend his friend without people reading things into it?” Poe took a too-large gulp of brandy and began coughing furiously.

“I saw you. The way you reacted, I've only seen you get that angry when people attacked the General. And yeah, he tossed that in there too, but you were furious over Finn first. Between that and the way you look at Finn when he's not watching, it's kind of obvious.”

Poe buried his face in his hands and groaned. Jess just sat there, sipping her brandy, and waited for him to stop being dramatic. It was a long wait. Drama came naturally to Poe.

“Fine. Yes. I admit it.”

[Called it. No one ever listens to the droid.]

“Damn it. I'm going to owe Snap money now.” Jess frowned and kicked Poe playfully.

“What are you talking about? You two had a bet going?” Poe looked so comically indignant that Jess couldn't help laughing at him.

“For what it's worth, Karé abstained. And told us to grow up.”

“She would. But wait, you bet I didn't have feelings for Finn? And Snap thought I did? That's not how I would have expected it to go.”

Jess felt more than a little uncomfortable. Poe looked almost hurt. “It's not like you're Mr. Relationship. Have you ever actually dated someone?”

“Once, years ago. Before the Resistance.”

“Oh. Really!? How'd that work out? Did he break your heart leaving you forever unable to love again?”

“He died.”

“I'm … I'm sorry. It's none of my business, I shouldn't have asked.”

“It's fine. It was a long time ago. I'm not going to start crying and make you even more uncomfortable, Pava.”

“Damn it, Poe, stop trying to be nice to me when I was being an ass,” Jess hopped down from the desk and wrapped an arm around him. “Do you have any idea how irritating that is?”

“How do you know that isn't why I do it?”

“I hate you.”

“I know.”

They both laughed and Jess could feel the last of the tension seeping out of the other pilot. He settled into his chair and she climbed back on the desk.

“I'd appreciate it if you didn't say anything to anyone about what happened. Especially Finn. Any of it.”

“Naturally. But seriously, Dameron, what are you going to do about it?”

“Nothing. Be his friend.”

“But not anything else?”

“Jess, he's in love with Rey. It's obvious. Haven't you seen the way his eyes light up when he talks about her?”

“I've also seen the way he doesn't stop looking at you whenever you're near him. And that's not even touching on the subject of that jacket.”

“It's not appropriate. I was his first friend. He's practically imprinted on me. Hell, he's still using the name I came up and he could have picked something better out himself.”

“That just means you need to be careful with him. Maybe he isn't into guys. Maybe he thinks you're hideous. Maybe he really is in love with Rey. But you should at least try. Just be chill about it.”

“What happened between this morning and now? I thought you were completely against this.”

“There's a difference between “I think my horny friend is taking advantage of my adorable new friend to get laid.” and “I think my painfully oblivious friend is throwing away a chance at something really good because he's an idiot.” I realize you're too dense to detect the nuance.”

Poe looked pensive. It was a weird look for him, Jess decided. “I just … I can't right now. I don't know if I'm ever going to be ready to do that again. Commit to something real with someone I care about.”

“Kriff, this is why I don't date men,” Jess grumbled and reached for the bottle to refill her mug. “Kay and I have been together for awhile now. It's great. Better than great, actually. Best thing that ever happened to me. How can you commit to something as dangerous as the Resistance and freak out at the idea of being with someone?”

“Because I know how it feels to be the one left behind. And let's face it, if one of us were to die, it's more likely to be me. I couldn't do that to Finn. I don't ever want him to feel what I felt.”

“Okay, I can see you're a maudlin drunk, so I am taking this mug and fleeing,” Jess said, scooting off the desk and heading for the door. “But seriously, Poe. Don't be such a martyr. We're already full-up on those.”

Jess didn't hear a reply and the closing door cut off any chance of one. She looked around the hangar for the offending mechanic from earlier. She spotted him jabbering angrily to his friends and gesturing at Poe's office. She walked right up to him and stabbed a finger into his chest.

“If I hear about you harassing Poe or Finn or saying anything less than completely respectful about the General, I swear on my life you'll be in the medbay for at least six months. Get me? Poe's the nice one around here. I'm the one who'll kriff you up and not think twice about it.”

Jess didn't give any of them a chance to react to her threat, just stormed off. Someone had to keep these people in line and if it had to be her, so be it.

Chapter Text

The second night Finn shared a room with Poe passed without a trace of drama. No one had nightmares, no droids were assaulted, and everyone slept in their own beds. Then Poe left on a scouting mission early the next morning and it didn't take Finn long to realize how emptier his day was without Poe's constant chatter and smiles. The only tasks he had to fill his time with were his physical therapy sessions, which remained grueling and largely unsatisfactory. The rest of the day was spent wandering from place to place, watching Jess and the other pilots work, or working his way through the staggering amount of media stored on Poe's entertainment holoprojector. It wasn't a bad way to spend his time, but it still felt lesser.

Five days after Poe left, Finn could sense something was wrong. The pilots were all on edge and both Jess and Karé were feverishly preparing for an unexpected mission for the next day. Neither of them would explain what was wrong. When Finn saw General Organa moving through the base, Kay and assorted others following behind her, he was shocked by the worry he could see in her face. With no one willing to tell him anything, he did the only thing left to him and retreated to his room.

Poe's holovid collection was confusing. At least a quarter of them weren't in Basic and Finn lacked the cultural and historical context to enjoy most of what was left. Instead, he had turned to Poe's music collection, which spanned a kaleidoscope of genres and time periods. With music, it didn't matter if he didn't understand the language or the lyrics. There was no barrier between him and the emotions the music conveyed. He found that the more he listened, the closer to Poe he felt.

Eventually Finn gave in and went to sleep. The tension of the day followed him into sleep and he dreamed about running through endless Star Destroyer corridors, shouting Poe's name. The dream suddenly cut to Jakku and he was standing outside of the crashed TIE fighter again, still screaming for Poe. The dream didn't follow reality and he realized that this time, Poe actually was trapped inside the fighter. He was beating on the glass desperately as flames overtook him. Finn couldn't move, couldn't lift a hand to help, and could only watch his friend burn. The dream shifted again, this time to the frozen forest on Starkiller base. He saw Rey fighting Kylo Ren, desperately holding him off but slowly losing. Then the red saber descended on his friend and Rey was shrieking in agony. Again he was frozen in place, only able to watch.

He woke from the dream with tears running down his face. MC-0Y stood silently over him, rubbing his arm as soothingly as they were capable of and he smiled gratefully at cantankerous droid. Finn sat up in the bed and drew his legs tight to his torso, trying to still the fear trembles that shook his body. It felt like the scenes from his dream were burned into his eyes and every time he closed them, he saw Rey and Poe dying all over again.

It was a long while before he realized there was something different about the room. A dirty and torn orange jumpsuit lay on the floor near the door to the refresher. BB-8 warbled what sounded like a sleepy greeting from their charging cradle. The lights on Poe's side of the room were on dimly and the door covering his small wardrobe alcove was open. From behind the refresher door, he could hear the sound of water falling and, faintly, Poe's voice. He was singing a song that Finn recognized. It wasn't one of the melancholy songs Finn had felt himself increasingly drawn to over the length of Poe's mission, but one of the happy ones. It was an old pilots' song, sung on a thousand different worlds. It was about coming home to the people you loved after a dangerous journey.

The shower switched off and all was quiet for a few minutes. Then the door slid open and Poe exited. He was dressed in sleep pants and stood there toweling his hair. The light glimmered faintly on the water still clinging to his torso. Finn gasped, incredibly and uncomfortably aware of the effect the sight of Poe was having on him.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up,” Poe said and looked abashed. “I just really needed to get clean. Spent the last four days running from these giant furry pack predator things and sleeping in trees. There was grime in all the crevices.”

“Is that why you didn't come back on time? You got cut off from your X-wing?”

“Damn it, I was hoping they hadn't told you anything was wrong.”

“I'm not stupid. I don't need the Force to tell everyone was upset or that Jess and Karé were about to go looking for you,” Finn's tone was harsher than he'd intended.

“I don't think you are. But I didn't want you to be worried about me. You've got enough on your plate without fretting over my dumb ass,” Poe settled onto the edge of Finn's bed and scrutinized him. “Are you okay? It looks like you're shaking. Bad dreams?”

“Yeah.”

“Would it help to talk about it?”

“I doubt it. I'm not going to forget what I saw just because I tell you about it.”

“Humor me. I want to know what's bothering you. I can't help if I don't know what's going on up there,” Poe punctuated his sentence with a gentle tap to the side of Finn's head.

Finn was silent for a moment, trying to work up the nerve to go back to the memory of the dream. He sank back down onto the pillows so he didn't have to meet Poe's gaze.

“Fine. It was mainly about you," Finn cringed internally at the way it sounded telling Poe that he was dreaming about him. He hurriedly added, "Rey was in it too, right before I woke up.

Poe was silent, but Finn could still feel the pilot's gaze on him. Finn shifted uncomfortably, but continued,” I was trying to find you on the Finalizer and couldn't. Then I was on Jakku and you were burning to death in the TIE fighter. And it was so real. I could hear everything, smell it, feel the heat of the fire on my face. It was like …. never mind. Doesn't matter. And then Rey was fighting Kylo Ren again, but she lost. I couldn't help her either.”

“None of that happened though. Everything was okay. You don't have anything to blame yourself for. You did good, buddy.”

“But I haven't always.”

There was a pause and then the question, "What do you mean?"

“The burning part. It took me awhile to figure out where that came from, but it happened to me. Before. In the First Order.”

“I thought Jakku was your first combat mission.”

“It was. This was during training. I think I was thirteen maybe? We didn't exactly have birthdays in the Order. But there was this boy, Zed they called him. He was tiny, almost too small for the program, and he didn't fit in, like I didn't. We weren't friends either. We were so used to being by ourselves that I guess it never occurred to us to try to be friends.”

Finn stopped and looked up at Poe for reassurance that he wasn't boring him. Poe just nodded and kept staring at him with that same intense look on his face.

“We were doing weapons training early one morning. Flamethrowers. Phasma was there. We were all terrified of her. She was so huge and we never, ever saw her face. She was the monster we had nightmares about. I don't know what happened, but Zed just lost it. He charged Phasma. Did kriff all to her, because Phasma was about two feet taller than him and wearing that damn armor. She didn't say anything, didn't make a noise. She just threw Zed down on the ground and took a flamethrower from our instructor,” Finn struggled to keep speaking. His voice felt trapped in the vise of grief that had wrapped itself around his throat. He hadn't thought about Zed in years. He wished he had tried to be his friend.

“Finn, you don't have to finish the story,” Poe said, his voice gentle.

“I need to. I need to talk about this to somebody. And you're the only one who doesn't look at me like I'm broken. Everyone acts like I'll fall to pieces if they breathe on me. Except Snap, but he's kind of an idiot, so it doesn't count.”

“They're just worried about you.”

“I don't want them to be. I don't need it. Worry doesn't do a damn thing for anybody, it just makes everyone feel like shit.”

Poe shifted on the bed, laying next to Finn so they were staring each other in the face again. He said, with the driest trace of humor, “Note to self, no worrying about Finn. Carry on then.”

“Phasma burned him and made us watch. She wouldn't let us turn around or leave. I'd swear she would have kept us from blinking if she could have. Zed didn't scream until the very end. And I wanted to help him. I really did. But I couldn't move. And that wasn't the only time something like that happened. On Jakku, on my first mission, on my only mission. One of my squad mates, this guy they called Slip. He was a terrible stormtrooper. I tried to watch out for him but this time I wasn't. I was, I don't know, overstimulated by the battle, freaking out and stuff. Someone shot him, one of the villagers. I guess. He literally died in my arms,” Finn continued. He heard Poe gasp and shot him a confused look. “That's twice I just froze up and didn't help someone when they needed it. What if that happens again? What if one of you needs me and I just can't do anything? What if I'm a coward?”

For a long second he thought Poe wasn't going to respond, that Poe agreed with every harsh thing he'd said about himself. But then the pilot spoke, his voice husky with emotion, ”You broke me out right under the nose of General Hux and Kylo Ren. You rebelled against the First Order. You fought to protect your friends over and over. You finished my mission and then went straight into hell to try to save Rey, someone you hadn't even known a week. You're no coward. You did all of that with a blaster and a battered jacket, no Force powers, no team of hotshot pilots at your back. You're the bravest man I ever met.”

“I don't know what to say to that,” Finn confessed. He was mesmerized by the admiration on Poe's face and voice. And there was something else, something he couldn't quite place.

“Just take the damn compliment, Finn. It won't kill you,” Poe said and Finn had to laugh at the mock indignation. At some point, he'd taken Poe's hand in his and he tensed, waiting for Poe to say something. But the objection never came and neither of them pulled away.

“I missed you though. It's not the same around here without you and that rolling noisemaker.”

“I missed you too, Finn. Shame they don't make X-wings with a gunner's seat. I could have used your help fighting the toothy furballs.”

“Maybe next time.”

They lapsed into comfortable silence and Finn started to feel sleepy again. “I listened to your music a lot while you were gone.”

The delight in Poe's eyes made him glad he'd mentioned it, “What did you think? What kind of music did you have in the First Order?”

“I like your music better. Back there about all the music we had was this ridiculous piece Kylo Ren always insisted on having played whenever we were doing any kind of rally. And he made us march to it. How come nobody talks about how weird that guy is?”

“Did you have any favorites?”

“That one you were singing in the shower. I like that one,” Finn said and asked hesitantly. “Could you … could you sing it for me?”

“Of course, buddy. I'll sing whatever you want. Whenever you want.”

The last thing Finn heard before finally slipping into peaceful sleep was Poe's voice, singing softly to him.

Chapter Text

It was hard to detect the arrival of morning inside the barracks on the Resistance base. The squat duracrete blocks that formed the above-ground portion of the base's buildings lacked almost any windows capable of letting in sunshine. The result was a total lack of light creeping into the room Finn shared with Poe, but the non-pilot resident of the room still woke up shortly after sunrise. First Order stormtroopers, unlike Resistance fighter aces, weren't allowed to sleep in and habits ingrained with pain and decades of training faded slowly.

Finn rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, luxuriating for the moment in the fact that there was no screaming officers or alarms to drive him out of the bed. Then his groggy brain snapped into focus. He realized that not only was he not alone in the bed, he was currently cradled against Poe's chest with Poe's arm wrapped around him. He gulped nervously, unsure whether he should pull away or remain in place. MC-0Y was silent in stand-by mode and BB-8 was still in their charging cradle. There was no one to see or comment if he just stayed here. He let himself enjoy the sensations; Poe's skin warm against his face, the lean strength of Poe's arm wrapped around him, the rise and fall of his chest under Finn's cheek, the low thump of his heartbeat in Finn's ear, the smell of soap and X-wing fuel clinging to Poe's hair. It was safe here and warm and it felt right in a way Finn couldn't fully articulate even in his head.

Guilt and the slightest hint of panic started to gnaw at Finn's stomach soon enough. He wiggled free of Poe's unconscious embrace and pulled himself as far away as the narrow bed's confines and his atrophied muscles' meager strength would allow. Obviously Poe had been tired, exhausted even, when he got back to their room last night and he'd fallen asleep singing to Finn and what if Poe knew Finn had been attached to him like a mynock on a ship's hull?

“Stupid. You're so stupid. Now things are going to be weird and he probably won't want to be my roommate anymore and everyone will know and laugh at me,” Finn muttered under his breath. Poe shifted in his sleep, yanking the blankets over his head, and Finn stilled, not wanting to wake him. But Poe only made an odd whimpering noise and didn't wake up.

Now that Finn was awake, he wasn't sure what to do. He couldn't actually go anywhere without help, either from MC-0Y or Poe, and he didn't want to bother the other man by waking him up. Naturally this reluctance was entirely a decision made from consideration for Poe's well-being and had nothing to do with the fact that he liked having Poe in bed next to him. Instead Finn just sat there in the bed until he noticed Poe's position shift had revealed a previously hidden datapad. It wasn't his, so he assumed Poe had been reading in bed after Finn had fallen asleep. It was still switched on and unlocked, so he picked it up, curious to see what Poe had been reading. To his surprise, it was a piloting manual for TIE fighters. He grinned fondly at Poe. Naturally the pilot wasn't taking any chances on repeating the mistakes that had almost trapped them in the Finalizer's hangar bay.

Not being particularly interested in learning to fly anything really, something he would never tell Poe, Finn closed the manual and scanned the datapad's contents for something more interesting. There was an entire folder labeled “Instruction Manuals” and he opened it. Stormtroopers weren't exactly allowed access to the latest best-selling novels, so manuals were Finn's only and preferred genre of reading material. The actual contents of the folder were baffling though. Rather than any sort of text files, there were nothing but video files lacking thumbnails, given only generic names. Finn opened one of the files and enthusiastic masculine moans and cursing spilled out of the datapad's speakers while an entire squad's worth of naked men writhed around on the screen.

“Kriff!” Finn shouted and reflexively threw the datapad across the room. There was a shattering sound and the other arousing and embarrassing noises stopped. MC-0Y's eyes lit up and he cocked his head at Finn, watching for signs that he needed to intervene.

“Finn? Are you okay?” Poe mumbled, his head reemerging from under the blankets to reveal tousled hair and dark, sleepy eyes.

“I'm fine. Go back to sleep.”

“Mmmkay. Good night, buddy,” Poe was asleep almost before he finished talking. The medical droid's eyes also dimmed and MC-0Y lapsed back into hibernation.

It wasn't that Finn was unfamiliar with the concept of porn. There was a truly humiliating memory he tried never to recall that involved accidentally walking in on Hux watching a Twi'lek threesome holovid. He'd never known before that their lekku were so … dexterous. For the troopers though, porn was the kind of contraband that got someone reconditioned faster than Kylo Ren could destroy a computer console. No one had actually liked Finn enough to share that kind of dangerous contraband with him. And wait a minute, hadn't one of those guys in the video looked a little bit like him? Finn's eyes widened and he stared at Poe's sleeping face, nervous hope trying to claw itself to the surface. Was there a chance his friend might actually find him attractive? Just creeping up on the thought made him recoil in embarrassment and he rejected it.

An hour or so passed and Finn was more bored than he could remember ever having been in his life. He'd never had the luxury of just sitting idle before and he was finding that it did not agree with him. In the meantime, Poe had rolled closer to him in the bed. His head was just inches from Finn's hand. Tentatively, Finn reached out and smoothed stray locks of hair away from Poe's face, marveling at how peaceful the other man looked in sleep. His hand slid almost without conscious intent across the rough texture of Poe's stubbled jaw and found he liked the sensation. Finn yanked his hand back, feeling the rush of guilt again. This wasn't right and he couldn't risk making things uncomfortable between them.

“Hey, wake up,” he said and shook Poe's shoulder gently. The only response was a mumbled complaint and a hand weakly swatting at him. “Hey, come on, man. Wake up. I'm bored and hungry.”

“Is it morning already?” Poe groaned, sitting up slowly.

“Afraid so.”

“You've been awake for awhile too, haven't you?”

“Yep.”

“Ugh. Morning people. I'm not sure we can be friends after all,” Poe said as he drug himself out of bed.

“Why would you want to waste time in bed when you could be doing things?” Finn's brow furrowed in unfeigned confusion.

“Because the things you do in bed are more fun?” Poe looked back over his shoulder, doing that thing where he bit his lip while looking Finn up and down. Suddenly Finn had to struggle remember how to breath.

“You can't fly an X-Wing in bed,” Finn recovered, hoping Poe didn't notice how flustered he'd gotten.

“Don't be bringing logic into our banter,” Poe gently kicked BB-8 with a bare foot and the droid grumbled out a greeting as they booted up for the day.

“In the future, I do hope you refrain from waking my patient up in the middle of the night,” MC-0Y was awake for the day also and already complaining. “Sleep is an important part of the healing process.”

“It won't happen again. Pinkie swear.”

The droid made a snorting noise interrupted by the start-up beeps signaling BB-8 was emerging from their cradle. The droid zipped around the room, chattering excitedly and then ran into the shattered remnants of Poe's datapad. The Binary sounds took an accusing tone and Poe turned to look at Finn.

“I'm not mad or anything, but how'd you manage to break that datapad?”

“My hand slipped.”

“Your hand … slipped?” Poe's eyebrows were doing their best to meet his hairline. “Well, it's not a big deal. Everything backs up to my storage space on the base computer. Just maybe be a little more careful next time.”

“Sorry.”

“No, no. It's okay,” Poe grinned at him and started changing from his sleep pants into a fresh uniform.

Finn's internal monologue was mainly loud wordless screaming at this point. The fact that Poe was momentarily very much not wearing anything shouldn't bother him. He'd spent his entire life in one barracks after another, with all of the lack of privacy, nudity, and communal showering one could ever ask for. He studied the ceiling with the most intense focus of his life.

Then there was a hand on his shoulder and a fully-dressed Poe at his side. “Hey, me and BB-8 will get out of your way so you can get ready. Meet you at the mess hall in fifteen or so?”

“Yeah, sure. Sounds great,” Finn said flatly and ignored the brief flicker of confusion on Poe's face. He'd never been more grateful for the fact that blushing wasn't a problem for him and also the blankets currently covering everything below his waist.

He did manage to make it to the mess hall before the fifteen minutes were up and rolled into a miniature riot. Snap had somehow managed to get Poe up on his shoulders and was carrying him around the hall with BB-8 anxiously hovering behind him while most of the hall cheered and applauded. Feeling a bit overwhelmed, Finn settled down at the usual table and waited for things to quiet down.

Finally Snap set Poe down and out of the crowd rushed a blur of long hair and a pilot's uniform. Karé Kun jumped onto Poe, wrapping arms and legs around him, her laugh carrying over the rumble of the crowd. Finn looked down, not wanting to watch. What was that feeling? Was that … jealousy? It was ridiculous. Karé was Poe's friend, of course she was happy to see him. But she was so pretty and, unlike Jess or Snap, definitely interested in men.

“I'm not sure which of those two I want to murder more when I'm having bad hair days,” Kay said, nonchalantly sliding a tray of food in front of Finn to match the one she had for herself.

“Thanks. Um, what?”

“ Karé and Poe. They have some really great hair. Too bad Poe isn't into women. They would have the most adorable kids,” Finn's head snapped up from studying his food tray and he squinted at Kay.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Ugh. Fine. Let me translate that into Oblivious for you. If you're wanting to hit that, the odds are in your favor that Poe would be into it.”

Finn's mouth opened and closed without a sound coming out and Kay rolled her eyes, “You heard me. Bet aside, no one else will say anything about this stupid wounded lovesick puppy thing because Jess is too nice, Snap is an idiot, Karé is a goddess, and I'm pretty sure Iolo would rather die than bring up anything related to mating.”

“I don't want to mate with Poe!”

“Oh, good job. I'm pretty sure no one heard that. Also, you're a terrible liar.”

“I'm moving to another table if you don't stop it.”

“Fine. I'll be nice. But we're talking about this.”

“There is absolutely nothing to talk about.”

“Everyone learns sooner or later to just let me have my way,” Kay looked obnoxiously smug and Finn bit back a retort. “So, spill. What's going on between you and Poe?”

“Nothing! We're just friends.”

“Uh-huh. And I love Jess like a sister,” Finn had never been subjected to such a lethal combination of skepticism and withering sarcasm in all of his twenty-three years.

“It's complicated,” the response sounded pathetic, even to Finn's ears.

“What's complicated about it? Do you want to bang him like a Wookie drum band on Life Day? Do you have feelings for him? Both? Neither? I really doubt it's neither because I've seen the way you look at his ass when he walks off. Granted, it is a work of art, but guys who aren't into guys don't tend to notice.”

“Maybe I'm a little attracted,” Finn stared down at the citrus fruit he was slowly destroying with a fork to avoid making contact with Kay's unblinking stare.

“So what are you going to do about it?”

“I'm not sure. I have to figure things out.”

“I'll humor this. What kinds of things?”

“In the First Order, I wasn't close to anyone. Literally, no one. And now I have Poe and Rey and you guys and the General is kind of like the scary, somewhat aloof mother I never had. And I'm confused.”

Kay's expression softened and she reached across the table to take his hand, “Hey, I'll be nice. For real now. Tell me about it.”

“I like you. And Jess. And Karé and everyone else. But I don't feel the same way about Rey and Poe that I do the rest of you. When I found Rey on the Starkiller, when I saw Poe when we got here from Takodana, I felt so happy that it hurt. Like there's something squeezing in my chest when I think about them. But it's a good pain. I like it. I want to feel it all the time.”

“So do you love them or are you in love with him? Or her? Or both of them?”

“I don't know. I told you this was confusing.”

“Okay, thought experiment. If you had to have sex with one of them to save the galaxy, which one would you pick?” The impish look was back on Kay's face with a vengeance.

“Poe,” Finn said without thinking. He slapped a hand to his mouth, desperately wishing he could take it back.

Kay shrugged and took a long sip of caf before commenting, “That's answer enough for me. But if I take a moment to play responsible adult friend, I'm going to say you should wait until Rey comes back, spend time with her, and figure out what exactly you feel for both of them. Because Poe doesn't do relationships and if you do have feelings for him, taking your friendship to the boning level is just going to be painful in the long run.”

“Or I could just ignore everything and not have to make any difficult decisions and be happy in my ignorance.”

Kay's glare held the power of a fully-functional Death Star. Finn's grin slipped and he resumed assaulting the citrus. Naturally that's when the pilots joined them.

“Buddy, what are you two talking about? It looked serious,” Poe's smile was warm and his face curious. Finn felt his stomach flip over and he shot a panicked look at Kay.

“Nothing major. Just whether or not you should go missing more often. It's so good for morale when everyone has an excuse to grope you.”

“Kay!” Jess's yelp was scandalized, Karé nearly choked on her caf, and Poe turned a brighter shade of red than Finn had thought was humanly possible.

“That's exactly what I was thinking,” Snap added and he and Kay fist-bumped.

Chapter Text

“I think Finn is in love with Poe,” Kay said idly. She was curled up on the barracks' common room sofa, nestled into Jess' side. Technically, they were watching some ridiculous reality holovid about Mandalorian bounty hunters, but it was just an excuse to wrap themselves around each other and not let go for a few relaxing hours. For all that they had joked about it at breakfast, Poe's close call had reminded them how vulnerable Jess was every time she went out on a mission.

“That's lucky, because Dameron is definitely in love with him,” Jess was distracted, pressing soft kisses into Kay's hair. She grumbled a surprised protest as Kay sat up abruptly.

“Poe Dameron? In love? Poe “Breaker of a Thousand Hearts and Heart-Equivalent Organs” Dameron? You're kidding right? This is a prank you and Snap cooked up to see how gullible I am.”

“Not even a little bit joking. I had to beat it out of him, but he's head-over-heels. And you cannot say a word to anyone.”

“Damn it, I wanted to ruthlessly and relentlessly tease him about this. It'd be paybacks for what his stupid face put me through when I first joined up and was crushing on him.

“You had a thing for Dameron? Really?”

“Past tense. I'm a one-pilot girl, Jess. But yeah. I finally told him I had an aversion to being touched so he'd stop hugging me and patting me on the shoulder back when we first met. I couldn't think straight for a solid half hour after he would do it.”

“I know! He's my best friend and I still couldn't tell you if he does that on purpose. He's either completely clueless or the most obnoxious flirt in the galaxy.”

“I'm going with both.”

“Yeah, it's probably both.”

They stopped talking for awhile and actually focused on the holovid. One of the bounty hunters had just managed to piss off a rancor and there was an amusing amount of screaming going on.

“Should we tell Finn though?” Jess asked. She looked concerned and Kay smiled up at her fondly.

“Aww, you're worried about your space children, aren't you?” Jess made a face at her and she continued, her tone turning serious. “It's one of the things I love the most about you. Always watching out for us.”

“Poe will do absolutely nothing about it because he's stuck in the mindset that he doesn't deserve nice things. And Finn won't do anything about it for the exact same reason.”

“I don't know, I had a talk with him about it. Bet you twenty credits he makes a move.”

“I hate that I'm actually considering another bet on my friends' love lives,” Jess sighed.

“I'm a terrible influence and it's why you love me. Ha! Boba Fett just kicked that guy with the stupid armor off the show!”

“Wait. Is that a real sarlacc?”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Leia hadn't intended to walk past the memorial wall. She had done her best to avoid it for the last few months, ever since the destruction of Starkiller Base. She had kept telling herself that grief wasn't something the Resistance could afford her dwelling on. And for a long while, it had worked. If there was anything Leia had been given more than enough chances to practice, it was repressing her instinct to mourn. Alderaan, her parents, all of the friends lost in war, Ben, her runaway brother. But now Han was on that list and every day it got harder to trade barbs with Republic officials and bark orders at people nearly young enough to be the grandchildren she would never have.

“Scruffy nerfherder,” she murmured, staring at the blue-tinted holographic likeness of Han that stared back at her from his plaque. At some point, the insults had become their way of telling each other “I love you.” It was a hard habit to break.

“General?” The voice broke her almost-trance and she brushed at tears she hadn't realize were falling. She tried to rearrange her face into something stern, but was Poe whose voice she heard and he saw right through her. He didn't need to ask what was wrong; they shared similar pain, both for the man who had died and the lost boy who had killed him. He pulled her into a hug and she remembered a time years ago when she'd done the same for a little boy who had just lost his mother.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey Dameron, here comes your boyfriend.”

Poe didn't even have to see Snap's face to know there was a broad smirk stretched across it. He still reflexively protested. “What? Shut up, Wexley!”

Finn really was headed their way, pushing his hoverchair to its top speed in order to get to his friends as quickly as possible.

“Guys, I just talked to Rey! She's going to be coming back soon!”

The look on Finn's face was pure joy. Poe grinned back, trying to ignore the pang of jealousy that he felt when Finn mentioned Rey.

“We should celebrate. Give me an hour or so and meet up at the base entrance?”

“Sure!”

And just like that, Finn was gone, off to share his news with the rest of his friends.

“So where are you taking us, Dameron?”

“I'm not taking you anywhere, Wexley. Forget you heard this conversation.”

As Poe walked away, he heard Snap shout, “I thought we had something, Poe! Don't go where I can't follow!”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you taking me out here to shoot me?”

Poe laughed and looked back over his shoulder at Finn. His friend had a dubious expression on his face, clearly unimpressed with their trek through the unspoiled forest surrounding the Resistance base.

[Finn has a point. There's no reason to be spending this much time with nature. I'm still getting sand out of my crevices from Jakku.]

“You two would have hated Yavin IV. I spent 95% of my time outside when I was a kid.”

“The outdoors smells weird and there are bugs biting me.”

[If I get rusty from this humidity, I'm letting you crash next time we fly.]

“Just be patient. It'll be worth it.”

They hiked further into the woods, long past the point where the base had faded into a dull hum of activity behind them. As far as Poe knew, no one else ever came out this far and he liked it that way. Where he was taking them was a private place, one that he didn't mind sharing with Finn, but preferred to keep from the others.

When they finally broke out from the trees and emerged on the shore of a lake, Finn gasped. The boredom the hike had inspired vanished from his face and he said, his voice soft and a bit awestruck, “It's beautiful.”

Poe felt absurdly proud of the vista, like he had somehow made it himself, all to show it to Finn. It was beautiful though; a huge lake surrounded by the ever-present towering trees and reflecting the deep blue of the sky. There wasn't much of a beach, just a thick slab of grey rock that slowly rose up into the air at a gentle enough elevation that it was perfect to perch on and have a picnic. Naturally this was exactly what Poe had planned.

“Let me get things set up and I'll help you out there. I think the climb might be a bit much for the hoverchair.”

Finn doesn't respond, too busy drinking in everything around him. Poe's eyes lingered over his friend in a way he would have felt guilty about if he thought Finn was likely to notice. He slipped out of the backpack he'd brought with them and began unpacking its contents: food, a thick blanket for them to lay on, drinks, all of the picnic essentials.

“What are you doing?”

“This, my friend, is a picnic. You got good news today and we are going to celebrate. I've got all your favorite foods, even that truly disgusting pudding stuff, some barely alcoholic ale, and music.” He hit the play button on the media player he brought with them and a playlist of all the songs Finn has told him he loves started to drift out over the water.

“Hurry up and get me over there then,” Finn shouted up at him and Poe almost skipped down the incline. He pulled Finn up out of the hoverchair and Finn rocked forward into him, still unsteady on his feet. For a second, Finn's body was pulled tight against his own, his face inches away from Poe's, and it was all Poe could do to keep from kissing Finn.

“Sorry about that,” Poe muttered, flustered.

“No, it's fine,” Finn replied and it was obviously just Poe's imagination, but it seemed like Finn was clinging to him a little harder than he actually needed to.

[Poe, your heart rate seems unusually elevated. Is it possible that your proximity to Finn is causing some distress?] It shouldn't be possible for a droid to convey the impression of a smirk through Binary tones, but it was there.

“Hush, BB-8. All right, hang on, Finn.”

Finn had time for one startled yell that dissolved into laughter as Poe somehow managed to toss him up onto his shoulder in a fireman's carry. The pilot staggered up to the picnic site, loudly grumbling about how much weight Finn was putting on and not subtly trying to figure out if he was ticklish. Once Finn was settled into place on the blanket, they dug into the food, comfortable in the silence that fell over them.

Finn broke it first, asking, “How'd you ever find this place?”

“Needed a place to meditate. There's nowhere on base where I can count on peace and quiet and no annoying so-called pilot friends deciding to do something like toss firecrackers in the room with me.”

“Meditate? I thought you said you weren't a Jedi,” Finn teased.

“Don't start that crap again,” Poe said and stuck his tongue out at Finn to make him laugh. ”I'm just me. There's no cosmic energy in my brain. Luke used to think the same thing though. Taught me to meditate, some of the other basic stuff they used to teach brand-new Padawans before they move onto the whole mystically manipulating the fabric of reality part.”

“Could you teach me?”

“I'll teach you anything you want, you know that.”

“It's called being polite, Poe Dameron," Finn said, all mock irritation.

“Sure thing, buddy.”

They stayed out at the lake until twilight crept across the lake and BB-8 lost all patience with them.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Poe's voice was raw when he woke up, screams still weakly tearing out of his mouth and limbs thrashing. It took long, panicked moments to realize that he wasn't in the Finalizer's torture cell and the voice murmuring in his ear wasn't Kylo Ren. He was in his own bed, in the room he shared with Finn, and it was Finn holding him tight. Everything was fine.

“Sorry,” he said, his voice a hoarse whisper. Finn had managed to wrap himself around him in such a way that he could hold Poe still without being at risk from Poe lashing out. Poe has told him time and again to just stay away from him when he's having a nightmare, especially after the really bad night when he nearly broke Finn's nose. Not even telling Finn that hurting him would be worse than any nightmare was enough to budge the stubborn look off his face or keep him away from Poe.

Finn didn't acknowledge the apology; he just kept holding him and humming something soothing. Poe relaxed back into Finn's arms and tried to slow his breathing. It took the better part of an hour, but finally he felt calm enough to insist Finn go back to bed. MC-0Y moved Finn back to his bed, for once sparing them an irritated lecture. After Finn finally abandoned his patient vigil and lapsed back into sleep, Poe whispered into the darkness, "I don't deserve you."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The door hummed open and Finn looked up in surprise. Poe was supposed to be down in the hangars, prepping his squadrons for a raid on a recently discovered First Order base, not throwing himself dramatically on his bed and grumbling under his breath.

"Looks like you're not getting rid of me just yet, buddy. You're staring. Was it that much of a surprise?

"I've just not used to seeing you in a flightsuit you haven't managed to get dirty or destroy," Finn ribbed his friend. He was actually struck by how unexpectedly attractive Poe was in the flightsuit, limbs splayed across the bed and hair freshly tousled by his flight helmet. He cleared his throat nervously and looked back at his datapad, pretending to read.

"Aren't you going to ask me why I'm not leaving?" Somehow Poe had moved across the room in an eyeblink, his arm draped around Finn's shoulders and his breath warm on Finn's cheek. Finn barely restrained a shudder and mentally damned Poe's inability to grasp the concept of personal space.

"No, but I'm sure you'll tell me anyway."

"Freak electrical storm. General scrubbed the mission until it clears up. For some reason she doesn't fancy the idea of us getting electrocuted in our cockpits."

"Too bad. I was looking forward to a quiet room tonight."

There was no immediate response, no continuance to the friendly banter, and Finn raised his eyes from the datapad to see Poe's crestfallen face. It took him a second to remember the previous night and Poe's screams.

"No. No, no, no. That's not what I meant. Poe."

Impulsively he reached out and touched Poe's face. Poe's eyes slid shut and he made a soft noise while he seemed to melt into the touch. Finn's breath caught. He didn't know what to do next. He felt like he had crossed some kind of boundary, but Poe clearly didn't mind. A loud knocking on the door startled them both and Poe sprang backward from him, almost falling over.

"Who is it?!" Finn yelled, irrationally angry at the person interrupting whatever that moment was.

"It's Jess. It's raining and we can't go anywhere and we're bored and we demand music. POE DAMERON, YOUR PEOPLE NEED YOU!"

Poe shook his head and smiled sheepishly at Finn before climbing to his feet. "I'll be right out, Pava. Let me grab my guitar."

"Bring Finn. Drag him bodily if need be."

"Will do!"

"What's going on?" Finn set his datapad down to watch Poe struggle to drag a dark leather case out from under his bed.

"Kriff, I can't believe after all the time I spent playing this thing for you while you were in a coma, I never got around to playing it for you while you were conscious."

"Again, what are you doing?"

"It's my guitar. Musical instrument. You've heard them before."

"I didn't know you played an instrument."

"And now I know I've been a bad friend. Come on, let's head to the common room."

There were considerably more than just Poe's pilots gathered in the common room when they arrive, but Jess had saved them spots. Some of the others have brought assorted instruments and they formed an impromptu orchestra. Not everyone could sing as well as they thought they could, but those less blessed made up for it with enthusiasm. More and more people arrived until they were forced to stand out in the corridors. It went on for hours. Finn even thought he saw the General look in for a few moments.

At last, it's back down to the pilots again, with Kay sleepily curled up next to Jess. She raised her head from Jess's shoulder to make a request, "Play that song Jess told me you're writing for Finn."

If looks could kill, Jess would have been a dead woman, but Poe begins playing again. He explains there are no lyrics yet, but Finn is too absorbed in the music to care. He can't quite wrap his mind around the fact that Poe wrote this for him. He knows he's probably biased, but it's the most beautiful thing he's ever heard. It's joyful with the faintest hint of melancholy lurking behind it and when Poe finishes, somehow everyone knows the evening is over. They wander off to their rooms, leaving Finn and Poe alone.

"I can't believe you wrote a song for me. That's ... that's amazing, Poe."

Poe just smiled at him and started to pack the guitar up. Finn hesitated and then asked, "But why did it sound sad at the end?"

"Did it? That's not what I intended," Poe answered, but there was something in his eyes that made Finn uneasy.

"Maybe you could play it for me again some time?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that." Finn let a breath out he didn't realize he was holding when the shadow that had crossed Poe's face seemed to lift.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finn tried to force himself forward one last step, but the strength had fled his legs. They buckled and only his arms wrapped around the support rails kept him from hitting the floor. The urge to scream in pure frustrated rage or punch something flared up so strong he knew it was visible on his face. It was bad enough on days when it was just his therapist or MC-0Y seeing him so weak, but today Poe's session with the base psychiatrist finished at the right moment to let him drop by and see Finn.

This had happened almost every day for the last week and it had begun to really wear on Finn. Every day he would go to therapy, perform miserably, and inevitably Poe would show up just in time to see it. He knew his friend was just there out of concern for him, but he hated every moment of it. He especially hated seeing the worry and pain on Poe's incredibly expressive face as he watched Finn struggle. More than that, he hated the fake cheer in Poe's voice when they were leaving the medbay together and Poe tried to tell him that everything was okay and Finn was getting better.

He finally tried to bring up the subject as they were leaving the medbay, “Can you please stop pretending that everything is fine?”

“What do you mean?”

“Poe, I've spent my whole life being lied to. You're my best friend and I can't stand the fact that you're lying to me, even if you think it's helping.”

Poe stumbled and Finn looked up at him, surprised to see how stricken he looked.

“What's wrong? You look terrible.”

“I … I think we need to have this conversation somewhere private, like our room.”

“What conversation? Are you finally going to tell me what you've been hiding for weeks now? Because I've seen the look on your face when you think I'm distracted. You look guilty, Poe. Just be honest with me,” Finn added the harshness in his voice to the list of things he hated. Also self-loathing and the look on Poe's face.

“Just wait. Please. We need to talk.”

They moved to their room in brooding, uncomfortable silence. BB-8 interjected increasingly shrill complaints and MC-0Y harrumphed to no avail. Both droids were locked out of the room with a sharp command from Poe that there be no attempts to hack the lock panel.

“What are you being so mysterious about?” Finn demanded. He tried to temper the irritation in his voice, but he was so tired. Not just physically, but emotionally and Poe had somehow gone from being the person that made him feel better to the last person he wanted to talk to at that moment.

“I've needed to tell you this for awhile now. Ever since that night when I was late coming back from the scouting mission.”

Dread twisted in Finn's core as he saw the look on Poe's face. He paced back in forth in front of Finn, in obvious distress. Whatever revelation was coming was not something that would make Finn happy. Finally Poe's face settled into a determined look. He stopped moving and made eye contact with Finn.

“I killed Slip.” The words rushed out of Poe's mouth, like he needed to spit them out before his throat sealed up or he lost his nerve. “I shot him and I almost shot you. But when you reacted the way you did, I could see you were obviously upset. I'd never seen a stormtrooper act like that before. So I didn't take the shot.”

“You killed Slip.” Finn felt numb, like he'd completely left his own body.

“Finn, I am so sorry. I'd take it back if I could, I swear it. It's been tearing me up ever since you told me that story and I realized what I'd done,” Poe dropped to his knees in front of Finn, staring up into his face. He was even crying, Finn noticed dully. Of course he was. Poe never did anything halfway.

“Why would you tell me this?”

“I was so afraid you would realize what I'd done on your own. I had to be honest with you. Especially today when you said what you did about needing me to not lie to you. I care about you, Finn, so much. You've got to know that.”

“Shut up. Just … stop. I don't want to hear this. I can't even begin to process it.”

“Finn, I'm sorry. You believe me, right?” Poe reached out, trying to take Finn's hand. He lashed out angrily, slapping Poe's hand away.

“You couldn't have hurt me any more than if you'd actually tried to, you asshole,” Finn almost spat the epithet in Poe's face and the venom in his voice would have horrified him if he hadn't already been so upset. “I didn't need to know this. Ever.”

“Finn, please ...”

“Right now, I wish I'd never met you.” There was an ugly part deep inside of Finn that enjoyed the way Poe recoiled, his face turning pale and going blank.

Finn left their room without another word and Poe made no move to stop him.

Chapter Text

When Finn went back to their room, Poe was gone. He didn't come back that night and the next morning he left the base in a battered and elderly freighter that made the Millennium Falcon look top-of-the-line. The first few days after Poe's departure, Finn was still too angry to comment on it and his other friends were carefully avoiding the topic. But a week with no sign of Poe and no explanation for his absence led Finn to do the previously unthinkable. He knocked on the General's office door.

“Come in, Finn. I've been expecting you,” Leia's voice emerged from the small speaker set in the wall next to the door.

The door slid open and Finn stepped inside, wide-eyed. “How did you know it was me? Did you use the Force?”

“They have these things called cameras. Maybe you've heard of them? Sit.” Finn sat.

The General pushed a mug across the desk to him and he frowned. “Is that caf? I really don't care for that stuff.”

“Don't be ridiculous. I don't share my caf with anyone. That's tea. Drink.”

Finn took a cautious sip; It was sweet and hot and the taste, rather than the bitter flavor of caf, seemed vaguely floral.

“Not bad.”

“On to business. Ask your questions.”

“Can you tell me where Poe went? Is he on a mission?”

“No. He's on a leave. He'll be on Yavin IV until next week.”

Finn mulled that over and then asked, “Did he leave because of me?”

“Why do you ask? Are you hoping the answer is yes?”

“I need to talk to him. I need to fix what happened between us.”

“As much as I like to maintain my aura of omniscience, I don't actually know what happened between the two of you. I'm going to need a summary. A brief summary. I do have work to do besides playing couples counselor.”

And so Finn launched into the story of the fight. Leia listened attentively, but he couldn't get a read on how she was reacting. It was disconcerting. But this was the woman who'd personally lied to Darth Vader's masked face after he had had her tortured, so Finn supposed he shouldn't be surprised by the strength of her sabacc face.

“Well, the two of you certainly managed to kriff up your relationship quite nicely. As someone who spent thirty years perfecting the bicker, I'm impressed,” Leia saw Finn's expression and relented. “Obviously you need to apologize when he gets back.”

“But I'm still angry at him!”

“So? You can be angry with him and acknowledge you reacted badly. Yes, I'd agree that he shouldn't have told you about killing your friend, but his poor decision-making doesn't justify you deliberately trying to hurt him with your reaction. Two wrongs, etc.”

“But what if he doesn't accept the apology? What if he hates me now?”

“Finn, I've never known the man to hold a grudge longer than five minutes against anyone who wasn't First Order. But if he doesn't accept it and you can't resolve things, then that's something you'll have to live with. The unpleasant thing about life is that doing all the right things doesn't guarantee you'll get what you want.”

“That's not really what I was hoping you'd tell me.”

“You thought I'd make everything better as if by magic? I'm good, but I'm not that good,“ Leia picked up a datapad and seemed ready to dismiss Finn, but then abruptly changed course. “I'm going to tell you something about Poe. It doesn't leave this room or I will personally see to it that you regret it. Can I trust you?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Good. This happened a long time ago, about fifteen years now. Poe and my son were close. They were dating, actually. I trust you understand what that means?”

“I have heard of it, yes,” Finn's tone was drier than Jakku.

“Don't sass your general. As I was saying, it was a long-distance thing, it was cute, but Poe's father and Han and I didn't expect much to come of it. We did hope it would be good for Ben, because he was already growing … well, darker.”

Leia's voice trailed off and a haunted look crossed her face. After a moment, Finn prompted, “Then what?”

“Not long before Ben … fell, he and Poe had a fight when Poe was visiting the Temple. Nothing like what you described. Nothing so neat. It turned violent. Luke was evasive, but I believe Ben may have nearly killed Poe. May have even intended to. He was in the hospital the better part of a month and, well. Kes Dameron never quite forgave me or Han.”

“What happened then?”

“Poe joined the Republic Starfleet soon after and I didn't see him for years. When we met again, he'd changed. Some of it was to be expected; he'd been barely more than a child when I saw him last and children grow up fast in this galaxy. But he was more guarded, not as open as he used to be. Ben caused that. Someone he trusted, someone he loved, betrayed him and he never quite got over it. The amount of people who consider him a friend is large, the amount of people he considers friends is considerably smaller.”

“I'm not sure I understand where this is going.”

“I'm saying don't take lightly what it means that he trusts you. There aren't many people he'd let see him as vulnerable as he is when he wakes up screaming from what my son did to him. Again. Respect that.”

Finn nodded and shifted uncomfortably under Leia's earnest gaze. It felt like being scanned by a Star Destroyer.

"You love him, don't you?" Leia asked, her eyes softening.

"Of course."

"But not just as a friend. I see that now. You're in love."

Finn froze, his mouth open, denials and confusion clogging his throat, but Leia's gaze had a way of cutting through self-delusion. "I think so. I think I have been for awhile now."

“Good. Now that we're done, take your mug and make yourself scarce. I have a base to run and people to shout at. Don't kriff things up with Poe.”

Finn walked away from Leia's office feeling like he'd been thrown off a cliff, but for the first time in days, his head was clear and he knew what he needed to do. Knowing the amount of time he had left to wait until Poe came back to the base should have made things easier. In reality, it did the opposite. Finn felt like he spent most of his time staring at clock displays or desperately trying to compose an appropriate apology speech. Nothing seemed adequate though.

The day of Poe's return, Finn haunted the tarmac, ignoring cajoling attempts from his friends to lure him inside. He even blew off his therapy session, something he nearly regretted thanks to the steady drone of MC-0Y's indignation behind him. His nerves were wrapped so tightly that he tapped out a frantic drumbeat on the armrest of his hoverchair as his stomach squeezed into increasingly tighter knots. When the freighter finally landed, it provided only a momentary respite. Now he had to wait for Poe to actually disembark, something that seemed to take an eternity.

When Poe stepped off the freighter's ramp, Finn powered his chair forward as quickly as he could. He shouted, “Poe! I need to talk to you!”

Poe turned, scanning the tarmac to see who was calling to him. He spotted Finn and spun around, walking in the opposite direction as quickly as he could. Finn stared after him and all he could think was "What if this was it?". What if this was the end of the friendship or whatever this thing between them was or could be? Ending on the same tarmac that he had sprinted across a few months ago to embrace Poe seemed almost fitting, ironic even.

“You're not just going to sit there like an idiot, are you?” It was Kay's voice. She stared down at him, irritation plain on her face.

“I wasn't going to phrase it that way, but you really should go after him.” That was Jess. She looked concerned.

“He doesn't want to talk to me. He just about ran away from me. Look, there goes BB-8. Even the damn droid is angry with me.”

“I will drag you after him by your ankles if you don't go yourself.” Kay didn't look like she was joking.

“Honestly, I'll help. And not just because it's my girlfriend's idea. The idea of you two fighting is just uncomfortable.”

“Fine. Fine! I'll go talk. I'll do it.”

“Worst case scenario, we get you some ice cream and commiserate over what losers boys are.”

“Um, Kay? That's not really a conversation I can add to.”

“Shush, Jess. I'm being empathetic. This is a rare moment for me.”

“You two can be really weird sometimes,” Finn said, shaking his head.

Following a hunch, he left the base and headed into the forest. The trail that led to the place by the lake that Poe had shown him was faint, but still clear enough to follow and he made good time. MC-0Y fell behind soon enough, something that did not help the droid's already foul mood.

Finn's hunch wasn't wrong. Poe was sitting at the top of the rock shelf, staring off at the lake's distant opposite shore. He didn't turn to look, but the hoverchair pushing through the shrubbery and grasses was more than loud enough to alert him to Finn's presence.

“What do you want, Finn?” Poe's voice sounded flat. There was none of the usual life that Finn was used to hearing when Poe said his name.

“I need to talk to you.”

“I think we've already said everything to each other that needs saying.”

“No. I'm not letting this end here,” Finn surprised himself with his own vehemence. He lurched up out of the chair and began staggering up the side of the rock. He had made a lot of progress in the last two weeks, but he was still unsteady enough that his therapist would have been horrified to see him walking unaided in an uncontrolled situation. He'd nearly made it to the top when his legs finally began to buckle. He lurched forward, arms windmilling wildly and Poe stood up and caught him before he could topple over the edge.

“This was stupid. You could have hurt yourself.”

“I knew you would catch me.” Finn couldn't fight back the grin that crossed his face and a trace of a smile crossed Poe's own face. He helped Finn sit down and they sat side by side, the silence awkward. Finn couldn't remember the atmosphere between them ever being so tense before.

He tried to break the tension with small talk, “You, um, grew a beard while you were gone.”

Poe rubbed the new facial hair reflexively and shrugged, “Didn't feel the need to shave on leave.”

“It looks good though.”

“Thanks. Maybe I'll keep it.”

“So … um. How was Yavin? Was it nice?”

“Finn,” Poe turned and stared at him. “You're terrible at this. Just spit it out. Whatever you have to say. Just get it over with. Yell at me some more, it's fine. I probably deserve it.”

“I don't want to yell at you. Ever. I want to apologize. I shouldn't have said … what I said. Any of it. I didn't mean it. I was just so angry with how everything was going and … “

“And what?”

“I think you were a convenient target.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better? Finn, you as good as told me you wished I was dead. That's not something I can just forget happened because you got me an apology card from the base store.”

“I know. I know I messed up. I … I'd take it all back if I could.”

Poe was silent for a long moment before saying, “If it helps any, so would I. I shouldn't have dumped that on you. About Slip. I think I was, I don't know, looking for absolution? Like I needed a priest or something and you were the only person around I could turn to. And that wasn't fair of me.”

“I forgive you,” Finn had thought about whether or not he could say this a lot over the last week. Slip's death hurt, it would probably always hurt, but destroying his bond with Poe would hurt more. “You had no idea and if the roles had been reversed, Slip would have shot you and never thought twice. And I can't legitimately hate you for doing it when I helped kill nearly everyone I've ever known.”

“Starkiller?”

“Yeah. I dream about it sometimes. It was the right thing to do. To save the galaxy, the Resistance. To save Rey. To save you. But it's so ...”

“Luke talked about destroying the Death Star sometimes. Especially when he found out I wanted to be in the Starfleet, wanted to be a fighter pilot like my mom. He felt guilty too. There were a lot of people on the Death Star,” Poe's voice trailed off into silence and then he turned back to Finn. “We've all had to do terrible things, but I don't want to add hurting you to the list of my sins.”

“Does that mean you can forgive me?” For the first time in two weeks, Finn felt himself starting to feel hope again.

“Yeah. I guess I can, buddy.”

“Are things going to be like they were before?”

Poe's smile was still weaker than Finn was used to, but there was more life in it now. “We can try.”

Chapter Text

Rey hadn't walked five paces from the Millennium Falcon, Finn all but skipping by her side, when she was intercepted by a woman she vaguely remembered seeing in the command center months ago in the pre-Luke days. The woman's diminutive height and braids conspired to remind Rey of some of the holos R2 had shown her of a much younger Leia.

“Hi, I'm Kay. Before you go anywhere, I have a message from Jess Pava. She says and I quote, “Tell Rey I call dibs on teaching her to fly an X-Wing and whatever you do, don't let that bastard Dameron get to her first because then I'll never manage to pry her away from him.” End quote. I'm not sure she meant me to repeat that last bit.”

“Are they fighting over me?” Rey wasn't sure whether to be flattered or annoyed. Both? Both.

“You have no idea. I'm just surprised Poe didn't twist Finn's arm to deliver a similar message. Not that he'd have to try very hard.”

“Actually, he kinda did ask me, but Jess traded me two boxes of that tea I like and an enormous chocolate bar to not say anything.”

“And that's the devious woman I fell in love with,” Kay said with a particularly smug smirk. “I can't wait to see the look on Poe's face when he realizes how you betrayed him. Will it be the sad puppy eyes? Will he go all the way to the full pout?”

“Has he ever done that thing to you with the sad eyes staring out from behind his hair falling over his face with the lip bite added onto it?” Finn was laughing hard enough at this point that Rey was vaguely worried he might hurt himself.

“Yes! I hate that. It's evil. It makes me want to slap his stupid perfect face. And the worst part is he doesn't even realize he's doing it.”

“Yeah, but think how awful he would be if he ever actually realized his full powers and turned them to evil?”

“That's a horrifying thought. Anyway, I've got to run. Nice to meet you, Rey. Finn, don't forget your first shift starts in an hour with me. I'm going to make you do all my work while I make faces at Admiral Ackbar behind his back.”

“So you've made friends besides Poe?” Rey asked, her face as guile-free as she could manage, nodding at Kay as she walked away.

“I've mentioned them before,” Finn clearly didn't realize he was being teased.

“Really? I must have missed that in the barrage of Poe updates.”

Finn looked uncomfortable and Rey scrambled to change the subject, “Hey, never mind. I'm just teasing. What's this about a shift?”

“I'm trying different jobs around the base to see what I like. This week I'm in the command center. Next week is the medbay.”

“How about flying? We could use another pilot in the family.”

“Hell no. Poe already tried to talk me into that. That's when I learned the devastating power of the sad eyes/hair/lip bite combo. And then he got really emotional about the fact that I'd told him no when he wanted me to do something. First time I ever got praised for refusing to do something.”

“And you survived. I'm proud of you,” Rey's tone was just slightly sardonic.

“Just wait until he does the face thing to you! You'll see.”

The test of Rey's ability to withstand Poe's emotionally coercive face was postponed by the fact that he seemed to be avoiding her. If he and Finn were together when she returned from training with Luke or flying with Jess, Poe would make excuses and disappear. It went on for days, long enough that Finn had started to pick up on it and expressed his irritation whenever Poe started to make excuses for his next retreat. Rey didn't understand what she had done to offend him, but she was well beyond simply being tired of it.

Dinner in the mess hall was also a test, one that was far more difficult for Rey to pass than the training sims Jess has assigned her. The noise, the sheer presence of so many other people, it all conspired to make her tense and on edge. She resented the ease with which Finn moved through social spaces and hated that. Finn's pilot friends and Finn himself had noticed her unease quickly and without commenting had let Finn keep her to himself at meals. Tonight though, her social anxiety wasn't severe enough to overcome her annoyance with Poe's behavior.

“Sit with us,” she said as he walked past their table with BB-8 following. She hadn't spent a great deal of time with Leia, but the one thing she had learned quickly was the tone of voice the general used when she was issuing an order disguised as a request. Poe stopped walking so fast that BB-8 ran into his heels.

“No, that's okay. I'm going to sit with them,” Poe pointed at the other pilots, his usual bright smile fixed firmly in place.

[I don't want to sit with them. I want to stay with Rey and Finn.] BB-8 beeped, then bumped their round body gently against Rey's legs. She reached down to pat them and raised an eyebrow at Poe.

“You can't sit with us,” Karé said as she put her feet up on the only remaining chair at the pilots' table.

“This is the cool kids table,” was Jess' comment.

“And you are definitely not cool enough to sit with us,” Snap added, laughing as Poe responded with a decidedly impolite gesture.

With a barely-disguised sigh, Poe settled into a chair across the table from them. To Rey's surprise, it was Finn who went on the offensive first. “Why are you avoiding us?”

“I'm not, buddy. Just been busy. Pilot stuff, you know. Job never ends.”

“I'm sure,” Finn might have still been new to expressing derision, but he was a quick study.

Poe didn't respond, instead turning to Rey. She would swear later she had never seen anyone look sadder and more pitiful before in her life. “Why'd you have to go and pick Pava over me? Did she bribe you?”

“No, she bribed Finn,” Rey's grin was wicked. She knew Poe was trying to distract them, but at least he was having a conversation with her for a change.

“What?! That's it, you better get a new roommate, buddy. This betrayal crossed the line.”

“Whatever, Poe,” Finn rolled his eyes and went back to eating.

And just like that, the tension crept back into the air. Rey looked back and forth between the two of them, a frown crossing her face. She knew about the fight they'd had, she'd talked to Finn when he was panicking over how to smooth things over with Poe. But that was a month ago and Finn had given her every indication that things were mostly back to normal between the two of them. So that left only one possibility she could think of. This was about her. She groped for a new subject of discussion, something to break the silence.

“Oh! Finn, did I tell you that Luke told me about my family?”

“No, you didn't. Shouldn't you have led with that before “Finn, I simply cannot abide the taste of seaweed.” or “Did you know that Luke's training when he was young involved giving his teacher piggy back rides?” That seems a bit more important than either of those things.”

“Poe is clearly a bad influence on you. You're turning into a smartass.”

“Hey, I had nothing to do with it. That's how he came.”

“Uh-huh, sure. Anyway. Um, yeah. I had a mother. Gilraen Shan. She was one of Luke's students. Technically, so was I, but apparently my memories were erased or something. We're still not sure about that part. Luke says I'm a part of a “long and proud line of powerful Force users” which sounds rather exciting except for the part where they're all dead and it's just me.”

“Shan? As in?” Poe clearly knew the stories, judging by the way he was staring at her.

She shrugged. “It's not as impressive as being a Skywalker or even a Dameron, but it's nice to know I've got this history in the galaxy. I'm not just Rey the Scavenger, I'm Rey the great great however many greats granddaughter of all those people who saved the galaxy those couple of times.”

Finn's face suddenly shifted, turning sad. “I wish I knew my family. Even a name.”

“We can be your family. All of us, Finn.” Poe reached a hand across the table and Finn took it in his own.

Rey resisted the urge to comment on the action and instead asked “Do you want my name? Be a Shan too?”

Finn looked like he was considering it for a second and then he shook his head, “No. Sorry. I don't want to be a Shan or a Dameron or even a Pava or an Organa. I want my own name.”

“Damn right you're not going to be a Pava. Only person around here changing their name to that is me,” Kay said as she passed behind them.

There was a borderline inhumane screech from the next table over as Jess jumped out of her chair. “Are we getting married? ARE YOU PROPOSING?!”

“Chill, Jess. Sure. I call dibs on Rey for my maid of honor.”

“What? No fair! Fine, I pick Finn for mine.”

“Hey, what about me? I'm sitting right here!” Poe protested.

“I'm sorry, Poe, while you would look lovely in a dress, there is literally no definition of the word “maid” that fits you,” Jess smirked at him before grabbing her girlfriend into the most enthusiastic embrace Rey had ever seen.

“Hey, get a room, you two!” Snap's shout was accompanied by a thrown bread roll.

“And that's another reason I can't take a last name from either of you two. It's apparently a part of human mating rituals," Finn's face was so carefully bland that Rey couldn't tell if he was joking or not. Poe spat caf across the table and began coughing violently.

Rey stared at the other pilot for a long moment before commenting, “Yes, well, that was a close call. I'm sure neither one of us wants anyone to think we're interested in mating with you, Finn.”

After dinner, Poe and Rey both moved toward their respective rooms and Finn hovered for a brief moment, torn between them both. Rey looked back in time to see him shrugging apologetically and following Poe. Poe did not look back. She shook her head. This was not a problem she had the slightest clue how to deal with. On Jakku, any interpersonal problems she had could almost always be settled by hitting the other person until they stopped being a problem. She had a feeling Luke would frown on that line of thought and Leia wouldn't appreciate her best pilot being damaged. Well. Second best, Rey corrected with a slight smirk.

Sleep was an elusive beast and Rey a poor hunter that night. The mechanical hums and groans of the base and the constant low-level buzzing of minds set Rey on edge. She'd lived as far as she could get from what passed for civilization on Jakku and any acclimating to living in close quarters with others she had done between Starkiller and traveling to find Luke had been undone by months of island life. Finally she rolled out of bed and settled into a cross-legged position on the floor. If she couldn't sleep, she could at least try to settle herself with meditation.

Finn kept asking her to describe what it was like to commune with the Force like this, but Rey lacked the ability to describe it. It was something like sliding into a deep pool of water, but really nothing like that at all. She was aware of everything around her and everyone and they existed in her mind like a starfield comprised of lives. If she concentrated, she could identify them, gently brush across their minds, and sense what lurked on the surface of their minds. She tried to avoid that though. It felt too much like what Kylo had done to her and she never wanted to be anything like him.

Just as she finally felt calm enough to try sleeping again, pain and fear stabbed itself through the Force. She swayed backward, nearly falling from the strength of the emotions. This person was Force-sensitive, she knew instinctively. They were crying out into the Force for help with every bit of their power, weak as it was. But it wasn't Leia or Luke, she knew just as certainly. She knew what their Force presences felt like too well to be uncertain. Unable to ignore someone in distress and curious about the identity of an unknown Force sensitive, she followed the cries to their source. In retrospect, she realized she should have guessed sooner who it was.

Poe's mind was like a black hole, seizing her and drawing her in as soon as she neared him. She found herself in the midst of a nightmare, a kaleidoscope version of the Resistance hangars, all murky and broken with a spotlight of blinding light pouring down on three figures. One was Poe, strapped to a chair that she recognized with a shudder. The second was Finn, flailing on the ground and screaming in agony. The third was … herself. Not as she actually was, but wrapped in the black robes of a dark Jedi, holding a red-bladed lightsaber, her face twisted in a cruel smirk, and golden eyes gleaming with the Dark. The other her was the source of Finn's agony and now she was speaking.

“Poor little Poe. Did you really think for a second that you would get your happily ever after? Finn never loved you. He only loved me. Do you think he still does? You would know all about what it feels like to still love someone after they hurt you. Maybe next I'll do to Finn what Ben did to you. Would you like to watch?”

“Stop this,” Rey had moved somehow without noticing, pulled herself into the tableau. The dream Finn was past noticing or caring what happened around him, but the dark version of her in Poe's mind waved playfully at her and stabbed the tip of the saber into Finn's back.

“Please make it stop. Please, Rey,” Poe begged from his restraints and she realized he was aware of her. Not as another dream phantom cooked up by his subconscious, but as an actual presence. Had he called her deliberately?

“I'm … I'm not sure how. I could hurt you, break your mind even.”

“I trust you. Please.”

“I can do this. I can do this,” Rey chanted to herself and drew on the Force. There was a slight delay and then everything began to fade around them. The dream shrank until only she and Poe were left. Freed from the chair, he pulled her into a hug she wasn't entirely prepared for or happy about receiving, but she tolerated it. She looked up into his eyes and spoke, the Force laden in her words, “Sleep and remember none of this.”

The connection snapped and Rey returned to her body. She drug herself to her bed, strangely exhausted. She was going to have to talk to Luke about this, she knew. And possibly exchange some sharp words with Leia. Also, corner Poe. None of it sounded like fun.

Chapter Text

As luck or perhaps the mysterious will of the Force would have it, Luke and Leia were both waiting for her when Rey stormed through the pre-dawn gloom to the area of the gym Luke had claimed for Jedi training sessions. They turned identical questioning looks Rey's way, no doubt sensing the cloud of anger swirling around her like a tiny hurricane. If Rey had ever doubted the two really were twins, watching the way they mirrored each other would have dispelled that quickly.

“So why the hell did neither of you think to mention the fact that Poe is Force-sensitive?” Rey was blunt at the best of times and this was far from the best of times.

“We've known since Poe was very young that the Force is with him. Not as strongly as it is with you, but it is there. But circumstances got in the way of training him. Poe's mother, Shara, died around the time I started to work with him. Poe felt the loss very strongly. He was close to his mother and the emotional turmoil he was going through meant he wasn't suited for training at the time. I ended it and let him believe that I had made a mistake about his sensitivity.”

Leia interjected, “Poe's identity, from the time his mother started to teach him to fly, has been tied heavily to being a pilot. He was a prodigy with any ship anyone gave him the chance to fly and while he's certainly not an ass about it, he has an ego. He resented the idea that his piloting skills weren't entirely natural talent inherited from Shara and that they could be tied to his Force abilities.”

“And we, Leia, myself, and Kes Dameron, made the decision to not pressure him. There was plenty of time to approach him when he was older and more willing to listen. It's not like training at an older age is actually a bad thing.”

“So why didn't you approach him when he was older?”

“After the Knights of Ren destroyed Luke's temple, they started hunting known Force sensitives, not just the last surviving Jedi. Luke was on the run and I had no intention of doing anything to draw their attention to Poe. Especially given certain personal circumstances which might have already made him a target.”

Rey mulled over their words and some of the fierceness left her face, “That's a reasonable explanation, I suppose. But why did you ignore the nightmares? His mind grabbed me like he was being pulled down into quicksand, I couldn't get away from him. He was desperate and panicked and that can't be a new development.”

Pain flickered across Leia's face as she spoke, “You have no idea how difficult it was to feel his agony in the Force and not be able to do anything about it other than order him to undergo therapy. I tried to help him in other ways, but my abilities are either not developed enough or he wasn't willing to accept my help. Finn has been the only person who seemed able to get through to him on bad nights. I'd hoped Luke could do something when he returned; I certainly wasn't expecting it to be you. ”

“So what should I do? I can't ignore him, but I'm afraid that I may make things worse.”

“Neither of us is expecting you to do this alone. Leia has more experience with the mental aspects of the Force, but we can both help you. I have some holocrons that contain advice for these sorts of situations.”

Rey's face twisted in displeasure at the mentions of holocrons, but she take a deep breath and nodded. “I can do it. I want to do it. He's done so much for Finn; helping him is the least I can do.”

“We can begin with some exercises now, if you'd like.” Rey had a feeling Luke had planned this entire conversation right down to this ending. Somehow everything always came back to practice with Luke.

Hours later, well after the sun had risen, Rey left the gym with every intention of going to find Poe. However, the closer she got to the pilots' barracks, the more her trepidation grew. If her attempt to make Poe forget the dream had succeeded, there was no easy way to open a conversation about what she had seen within it. After what he had been through with Kylo Ren, he was hardly going to be delighted if she dropped by to inform him that she'd rooted around in his head. If he was already skittish around her, that would only make things worse and he would push her farther away. If things deteriorated between them badly enough, would Finn feel like he had to choose between them? Rey wasn't confident she would win that battle and she was confident it wasn't a battle she would ever feel happy about winning.

At the last minute, right outside the door of the room Finn and Poe shared, her nerve broke. She could hear them stirring quietly, Poe's voice almost loud enough to make out the words, Finn's laughter, and BB-8 chattering. The thought of breaking in on that, ruining that didn't bear thinking of. She retreated, hoping no one would notice her, but Jess stepped out of her room at just the right moment to catch her.

“It's tough being the third wheel, huh?” Jess's look was knowing and sympathetic.

“I have no idea what that means.”

“Never mind. Hey, do you want me to yell at Dameron for you? We've all noticed he's being squirrely around you. Kind of out of character for him, but I'm guessing it's boy trouble. It's always boy trouble with him lately.”

“No! No. Please don't start anything on my behalf. Just … could you ask him to come by my quarters later? We need to have a talk and I'd rather it not happen around Finn. Or BB-8.”

“Sure, no problem. Hey, you almost ready to actually take one of the ships up?” Rey was grateful for Jess' easy way of shifting the conversation to safer topics. She was also incredibly excited about getting out of the simulators and in an actual cockpit. Piloting was simple compared to everything else going on.

Later, back in her room, she paced the floor. Jedi training and flying with Jess aside, there was little for her to actually do. Finn had learned to relax and enjoy his downtime, but it still gnawed at her. She'd spent too many years in constant motion, struggling to pry enough treasure from the wrecks in Jakku's sand to keep herself alive. Always hovering in the back of her mind was the idea that she had to stay moving, to keep busy, or this new world might come crashing down around her. The meditation exercises Luke had trained her in helped, but most of the time she ended up in the Falcon, working on the latest round of repairs and upgrades. Today though, she needed to stay put and it was frustrating.

Finally, she felt a presence in the hall and called, “It's unlocked.” before Poe could hit the door chime. He stepped through the door, a package wrapped in bright orange paper in his hands. There was still a sense of unease about him, but it was less than it had been.

“Bad enough the General does that, now they've got you doing it?”

“Being creepy is a Force thing. It comes naturally to Jedi.” Her mouth quirked slightly in amusement at the look on his face.

“Anyway, this is for you,” he handed the package to her and she stared down at it, puzzled.

“What is it?”

“Sort of a welcome home gift/thank you present.” He grinned as she turned it around in her hands, not entirely certain what he was expecting her to do. “You tear the paper off. It's part of the fun.”

“Really? Seems wasteful.” Rey carefully picked at the tape that held the wrapping together until a cardboard box was revealed. She opened that to find a small plant. Its leaves were the deepest green she had ever seen and it bloomed with tiny flowers that were almost the same blue as the Skywalker lightsaber.

“Finn said you really liked plants and I thought with growing up in all that sand, you might like some green to keep with you,” Poe fidgeted as he waited for her reaction, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “And the little display on the side of the pot will tell you whenever you need to water it.”

Rey blinked hard, pressing back tears that were struggling to escape. Even after all these months, she still wasn't used to people giving her things, caring about her, and not expecting anything in return. She set the plant down carefully and moved toward Poe, a hand raised to touch his arm. He flinched backward from her, a brief look of terror crossing his face.

“I … I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that,” she retreated from him, hands pulled behind her back.

“No, it's okay. It's all right. I … I guess you know now about the nightmares?”

She nodded, watching him carefully to see how he'd react. He seemed to have calmed himself down again and he didn't look or feel angry.

“I know I had one last night. Finn was fretting next to my bed when I woke up. I guess I was yelling in my sleep or something. But I don't remember a thing about it, only the distinct impression you were there. Really there. Not just a weird brain thing.”

“I didn't intend on it. Poking into people's heads is not a thing I enjoy. But you were … loud. And in pain. What I don't understand though is why you're having nightmares about me. I haven't done anything to you. We've barely even had a handful of conversations.”

“It only started recently. The old dreams, they were about Tall, Dark, and Whiny. Then when Finn told me you were coming back about a month ago, the dreams changed. I dreamed Ren had turned you, that you'd killed Luke and Leia. That you were torturing Finn. And you made me watch it all.”

“Poe. I would never, never, do any of that. Especially hurt Finn. I could never hurt him. He's the most important person in my life.”

“Yeah, well I've got personal experience in what happens when Jedi fall. The people they claim to love are always the ones who suffer,” Poe's tone was so bitter that it hurt to listen to him. “And I know it's not fair of me. I want to be your friend. I like you. And you're important to Finn and he's important to me and I don't want things to be weird between us, but I can't get the fear out of my head.”

“I can help with that. If you want me to.”

Emotions flickered over his face so quickly Rey couldn't identify them all. “I'd like that. Anything would be better than the nightmares.”

“You realize I might see some very personal things in those dreams. Things you might not be comfortable with me knowing.”

His eyes narrowed and he asked brusquely,” What did she say in the dream? Something about Finn?”

“She said something about Finn not loving you. I … I got the impression she didn't mean friendship love.”

Poe twitched like he was about to bolt from the room, but took a deep breath instead and did his best to meet Rey's gaze. “You're not wrong.”

“So you're in love with Finn?” Rey knew this probably wasn't what anyone would consider polite, but she knew this had to be at the root of his problems with her. They couldn't fix things if neither of them acknowledged what was actually wrong.

“Yes. Ever since he took that helmet off and told me he needed a pilot.”

“I know this isn't my place and I'm sorry, but why haven't you said anything to him?”

The sheer look of misery on Poe's face made her heart ache when he answered, “I had a lot of reasons back when he woke up. Some of them better than others. Now? I know he's in love with you and he deserves better than me. I'm a damn mess.”

Rey stared at him, mouth moving, but nothing coming out. It was ridiculous. Finn couldn't possibly. What? But Poe and Finn were so close. They were practically joined at the hip. If Poe said Finn was in love with her, he couldn't be wrong, could he?

“Rey, I really need to run. I'll see you at dinner. No more avoiding you. I promise.”

By the time Rey had recovered from her shock, Poe was gone. She flopped face first into her bed and tried very hard not to scream. She had no idea what to do with all of this. She knew that she wasn't interested in Finn in the way that Poe seemed to think Finn was interested in her. If Poe was right, then she was going to either have to ignore the issue and hope Finn got over it or confront it and possibly ruin their relationship. In the meantime, she had an enormous secret with the potential to ruin another relationship to keep to herself and the nagging worry inspired by the deep, aching sadness she had felt coming from Poe. This wasn't what she'd ever expected her life to be. On Jakku she only had one concern, keeping herself alive until her family came for her. But now she had the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders and the happiness of her friends to worry about. It wasn't fair.

She rolled over and the beautiful plant Poe had given her caught her eyes. She thought again about the joy in his smile when she unwrapped it and the way his shoulders had slumped in despair when he confessed his feelings for Finn. No. This wasn't something she could just ignore. There had to be a way to fix things so that everyone could be happy.

“Mid-day. Finn will be in the medbay right now,” she said to herself, a plan of action already coming to mind.

When Rey walked into the medbay, she spotted Finn immediately. Karé was perched on an examining table in front of him while he applied bacta to her hands, both of which sported some nasty-looking burns. She watched her friend gently wrapping the pilot's hands in bandages and smiled to herself. It was hard to picture Finn ever having been a stormtrooper, watching him with his friends.

Karé slid off of the table when Finn was done and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. She patted Rey on the shoulder as she passed and called back over her shoulder, “Nice flying today. I better watch my back or you'll be trying to take over my squadron.”

Rey and Finn watched the pilot stride out of the medbay and Finn grinned at the flush that had crept into Rey's cheeks. “She's very pretty, isn't she?”

Rey shot him a confused glance and blushed harder, “Yes. Um, I need to talk to you.”

“Sure. Can we do it here or you want to step outside?”

“It's kind of personal. I'd rather we not do it here.”

A few moments later, she said, “Finn, this is a supply closet.”

“It's private and no one uses this one, so we won't be interrupted.”

“I'm not sure ducking into a supply closet with you in full view of multiple people and droids passing by in the hall was the best plan I've ever participated in, but sure. Okay.”

“What did you want to talk about anyway? You look kind of upset. Is it training? Luke's not being too hard on you, is he?”

“It's about you, actually. I talked to Poe and I have some questions.”

Finn interrupted before she could continue, “Did you find out what his problem is? I can't tell if he's mad at me or you or what.”

“Hush. Not finished. No, he's not mad at either one of us. I need to know something though. Do you have feelings for me?”

“Of course! You're one of my best friends. Why wouldn't I?”

“Not that kind of feelings.”

“Oh,” Finn ducked his head and studied the floor like it had the secrets of the universe written on it. “No. Is that okay?”

“Of course it's okay. It's perfect!”

Finn's head snapped back up and he looked at her strangely, almost hurt, “Why do you ask?”

“One more question and then I promise I'll explain. Do you have feelings for Poe?”

Rey had thought Finn looked uncomfortable after the first question, but he looked ready to run screaming out of the closet after the second. Finally he managed a tiny, quiet, “Yes.”

“Even better! Wait, why haven't you said anything to him?”

“Because he's not interested. I've heard the way the other pilots talk about him and Force knows they've teased me enough about us. If he were interested, he would have made a move by now. And if I said something and he wasn't interested, it would be too weird. It'd mess things up.”

“Why would it make things weird? We just discussed your lack of feelings for me and nothing is different.”

“Yeah, but … um. I've hugged you maybe three times? And most of those were in life-threatening situations. Poe and I, we've kind of done stuff that might make him uncomfortable in retrospect if he knew I had feelings for him. Slept in the same bed, kinda saw him naked. More than once actually. There was definitely some cuddling. And he never seemed to think any of it was weird, so I didn't know how to say “Hey, maybe we should cut back on the physical affection and lack of personal boundaries cause I feel like I'm taking advantage of your friendly and open nature.” That's a hard line to drop casually into a conversation.”

“I suppose I can see how that might be difficult. Also it's an argument for me not revising my policy on physical affection.”

“So where was this going? Cause I'm feeling mildly humiliated right now and while I value our chats, I do have some work to do.”

“Poe's in love with you.”

“What the HELL, Rey?”

“I was drawing it out to much. Wanted to get to the point.”

“Yeah, but you can't just blurt that out. Give me some warning next time you drop a bomb like that.”

“Yes, yes, yes, I get it, tact. I know. What are you going to do about what I said?”

“I don't know? This is kind of new. It's not like the First Order encouraged dating.”

“It's a good thing I'm here. You'd never make any decisions. Obviously you need to tell him. Right now, preferably. He's miserable. I can't stand seeing people miserable.”

“What? Why? I thought he liked being my friend. Why would being in love with me make him miserable?”

“You're asking me? I'm not exactly a relationship expert. I've said more words to you in this conversation than I would in an entire month of talking to other people on Jakku.”

“Rey? You're a Jedi. Give me something.”

“If I had to guess …. you've never had friends before, right? Just having a friend was a novelty. After you got used to it, you'd have probably started pining too. If you weren't already, I don't know. And he thought you were in love with me and I guess he thought it was only a matter of time before I swooped in and stole you away from him. Thus sadness. Now can we go?”

“You'll come with me, right?”

“You don't think that won't be a little weird?”

“If you don't come with me, I'll probably lose my nerve and run off and you'll have to hunt me down and give me a fresh pep talk and then you'll really be annoyed.”

“Finn. We're leaving now. And give me your hand. I'm not taking any chances on you running off because there's no way I'm going to cajole you into this again.”

Shortly thereafter, Finn and Rey strode into the hangar, still hand-in-hand, both looking around anxiously for any sign of Poe. Instead they spotted Leia and C-3PO moving through the hanger. Leia raised a hand in greeting and they moved to her side. The enormous room had gone quiet, the usual blaring music and boisterous chatter disappearing in the presence of the Resistance's leader and their voices carried easily in the enormous echoing room.

Leia took one long look at Finn and smirked, “So you finally decided to stop pining and do something about it, then?”

“Oh, my! Do you mean to say that Master Finn and Mistress Rey are a couple now? I most certainly never would have guessed, even when I saw you hiding in that supply closet together. You are both entirely too nice to each other. I am far more accustomed to human courtship involving shouting and insults and threats of bodily harm to myself.”

Rey flushed bright red and opened her mouth to protest frantically, but a spike of pain shot through the Force before she could say anything. It felt like heartbreak. She and Leia looked around, bewildered and Rey noticed, to her supreme surprise, Finn was searching the room also. The source was quickly spotted. Previously unnoticed over by the communal caf machine stood Poe. He set his mug down very carefully and stammered something about needing to go before all but running from the hangar.

“Oh dear. Something seems to have upset Commander Dameron,” Threepio fretted as three people turned death glares in his direction.

Chapter Text

Finn had tried to explain the hand-holding a few times now. Force knows he'd had enough teasing about it from the pilots, but it was a heavy thing to dump on someone. It hadn't taken him long to learn that trying to explain the way things worked in the First Order made the listener an uncomfortable blend of sympathetic and angry. He didn't like that, the knotted twist of pity and rage at the First Order that would cross Jess's or Kay's or Snap's face when he told them things like “No, I've never kissed anyone or even hugged anyone before I met Rey and Poe. If an officer caught us engaged in displays of physical affection, the lightest punishment we could expect was half-rations and sleep deprivation.”

Poe was different. He would listen to Finn and not react, just stare at Finn with the most intense look on his face, like there was no one else in the world he'd rather listen to. When Finn would finally run out of words and fall into an uncomfortable silence, aware that he'd bared parts of himself to the other man that he'd never shown anyone before, Poe would crack a stupid joke or pull him into a tight hug or just squeeze his hand. Pity was never something Finn got from Poe, just reassurance and love. He never had to explain to Poe that he reached for a hand to hold when he was stressed or scared or sad because he needed the reminder that he had friends, that it was okay to feel, that he needed to ground himself with the brush of soft skin and calluses against his own ungloved hand.

But holding hands had other meanings, ones he only learned when he heard whispered comments that Poe told him to ignore while the pilot glared the whisperers into flight. And now somehow Poe had forgotten Finn's reason and substituted the others' and this time Poe was the one who had fled. Finn flushed hot with discomfort and dropped Rey's hand. She looked at him sympathetically and said nothing. He felt the eyes of everyone in the hangar on them and he shuddered under the pressure of their eyes and the waves of emotions he felt pushing through the Force at him. Confusion, discomfort, concern from Snap and Jess, traces of anger that reminded him of the fact that not everyone here liked him, irritation at having work interrupted. It was too much and he turned to flee, ignoring Leia calling his name.

Somehow in the emotional din of the hundreds of people on the base, he managed to single out Poe. He'd left a trail that was almost visible to Finn's eyes, all grief and self-loathing and despair and jealousy and so much love that it took Finn's breath away. It led in the direction Finn had turned instinctively; the quarters he shared with Poe.

Minutes later, Finn hesitated at the door, hand hovering over the hand-scanner, suddenly reluctant to rush in. He was still unsure of what to say to Poe, how to express how he felt. This scenario was so alien to anything he'd ever experienced before and he knew with certainty that their relationship was on a knife's edge; if he handled this poorly, whatever they were or could be would be lost. This was worse than even the argument had been. What finally brought his hand down on the door lock scanner was the sensation that Poe was on the verge of tears and Finn couldn't bear that.

The door slid open, revealing Poe standing over his bed. His back was to the door and he was shoving clothes into a battered duffle bag. BB-8 rolled around his feet frantically and they were clearly arguing, Poe's voice low and harsh and the droid's vocalizations increasingly shrill. The little droid whirled around at the sound of the door hissing open and spotted Finn. They rushed to him and began ramming themselves into the back of Finn's legs, trying to drive him into the room.

“Hey, it's okay, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere,” Finn patted the droid gently and they flashed the now-familiar approximation of a thumbs-up before pushing into his legs one last time and then rolling out the door.

“Oh, hi, Finn,” Poe sounded like he was aiming for casual, but his voice was brittle. He didn't turn to look at Finn and his shoulders were hunched, like he was expecting a blow.

“What are you doing?”

“Just grabbing some stuff. Gonna bunk in Snap's spare bed for a few days, then put in for a room transfer. That's why Bee is riled up; you know they don't get along with Snap's droid.”

“What? Why? This is your room, why are you leaving?”

Poe was silent for a long time, folding and refolding a pair of pants. Finally he said, so quietly Finn had to strain to hear, “I need some space. You'll barely even notice I'm gone. And you'll be busy with Rey, you won't miss me.”

“You think I won't miss you? Poe, do you even remember all the times you've gone away?”

“Yeah, but I was off-world those times. We'll still see each other in the mess or something. You've got work now to distract you. And Rey. It won't be a big deal,” Poe shrugged and went back to packing.

“Poe, stop.” Finn unconsciously used his squad leader voice and it was surprisingly effective. Poe dropped the shirt he was trying to fold and stood silently, the slightest tremble visible in his shoulders. “We need to talk.”

“I already know what you want to tell me. I saw enough in the hangar.” Poe's voice was flat and dead-sounding, but his emotions flooded the room like an unpleasant odor, self-loathing wrapped around jealousy and pain. It was acrid and bitter and Finn felt like he was being scalded.

“Is that why you're running away? Because of what you thought you saw?”

Poe turned to face him now and there was the faintest flicker of anger on his face and hurt, “I'm not running away from anything. I've never run away from anything in my life.”

“Really? Because it looks like that's what you're doing right now.”

Poe's face hardened and he said, “I think you need to go.”

“Go? This is my room too and I'm not leaving until we talk.”

“Then I'll leave. I don't need the speech, Finn. I don't. I get it. But if I have to listen to you trying to explain yourself and probably apologize and blame yourself for how I feel, like it's your fault I'm a lovesick idiot who can't handle being around you like we have been now that I know I never had a shot, I don't know what I'll do. Maybe try that running away thing for real.”

“You really love me? Rey said, but I didn't … I didn't quite believe her.”

“She told you? You must have had an amazing conversation in that closet Threepio saw you in. Love confessions all around.” Poe grabbed the duffle, not even bothering to zip it closed, and tried to step around Finn. “Look, for what it's worth, you made the right choice. Nobody would pick a basketcase pilot with an expiration date over the galaxy's newest hero.”

Finn moved to block Poe's exit and grabbed him by the shoulders, holding him in place. “Stop being a stubborn idiot and let me talk. I didn't choose anyone over you. I chose you. I will always choose you. You, Poe Dameron.”

Poe's eyes were wide and startled and hope flared in them. Finn lifted a hand, cupping Poe's face, reveling in the fact that he could do this, touch Poe the way he'd been wanting to. Poe's eyes fluttered closed and he sighed. And then, gently, he pulled away.

“Poe? What are you doing? Did I do something wrong?”

“No. This is me. My fault. This is me being selfish and wanting something I shouldn't and I never should have told Rey anything. I shouldn't have said anything to you. Add it to the list of things I've kriffed up lately.”

“Poe, talk to me. Don't shut me out. What are you talking about?”

Poe collapsed onto the edge of his bed, looking worn and defeated. He stared down at the floor, apparently not able to meet Finn's eyes as he said, “I'm not getting better. Therapy, the medication, none of it helps. The nightmares are worse than ever. And now I'm having panic attacks. Had one during training yesterday. Bee had to take over the controls until I got myself together again, but if it had been a mission? A firefight? Kriff. I'm falling apart. Can't sleep because I'm afraid, running on caf fumes and stubbornness and that won't last forever and sooner or later it'll all catch up with me and maybe I'll be dead and maybe I'll just be so messed up in the head that I can't be around people anymore.”

“What does that have to do with us? With us being together?”

“Finn, you deserve better than that. You remember that night I punched you, right? Force, there was so much blood and I could see the look in your eyes, for just a second you were back there. Back being punished and beaten and starved for being a human being and I did that to you. Me, cause I couldn't control myself. And I keep thinking about that, how neither one of my parents ever so much as raised a hand to the other, and we aren't anything yet and I've already hurt you.”

“So what, you want me to just forget about how I feel? Go back to pretending that you're just my friend?”

Poe climbed back to his feet and grabbed the bag. He still couldn't make eye contact with Finn. “I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have ever let this go so far. I just … I wanted to be close to you even if you didn't feel the same way about me and I never thought about what I was doing to you. Never thought you might start to fall for me. And that was wrong. Hopefully one day you can forgive me for all of this.”

Finn drew in a ragged breath, realizing for the first time that tears were trickling down his face to match the ones on Poe's face. He set his jaw and barked out another command, “Stop.”

Poe froze again, his hand reaching for the door controls, his gaze turned back to Finn. Finn wasn't entirely sure what all he was feeling right now, everything in his head was tangled up with what Poe was feeling, but the one thing that he was sure was his own was his anger. He was angry at the man who had made brave, funny, kind Poe this weary and afraid and filled with so much despair. Angry with Poe for shutting him out. Angry with himself for not realizing sooner what was going on.

“Do you really hate yourself that much that you're willing to make us both miserable pushing me away? Do you think you're worth that little?” The look on Poe's face answered the question and Finn's words rushed out in a heated torrent. “Well too fucking bad. You don't get to choose for me. Nobody makes my choices anymore. You don't get to tell me if I can love you or not. This isn't the godsdamned First Order and if I want to fall in love with the most worthless mess in the galaxy, I will and nobody can stop me. But you know what? That isn't you. You've got some issues? Great, fine. So do I. So does the General, so does Rey, so does Luke, so does everyone else in this galaxy. Everyone is broken and fucked up and that's okay, it doesn't mean they deserve to be alone and miserable forever, so stop feeling sorry for yourself and accept that you deserve to be happy. Because I am not going anywhere and I am not changing my mind. Even if you walk out that door, I will still be waiting for you. Always.”

Poe's hand dropped to his side and slowly a shaky grin crossed his face. He wasn't the old Poe, the one Finn had seen in Jess' holovids, or even the Poe he had met for the first time in a room stinking of fear and blood, but he was Poe, Finn's Poe, and he wasn't leaving.

“So. We're gonna do this?”

Finn's own grin was so wide it nearly hurt. “Yeah. We're doing this.”