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“Essek?”
“Hmm?”
Caleb smiled at him across the table. Essek noted the sparkle in his eyes that spoke of amusement, most likely at Essek’s expense. He’d not been focused on the conversation around the table at all. He’d been replaying various events from the day, snapshots of noise and blood splashed across his brain like ice. This dinner was loud and bright and not at all how he would usual digest stressful events. He’d been slipping into a trance, a struggling attempt at regaining control of his mind.
“Beau asked you a question,” Caleb said, eyes softer and kinder than Essek had a right to.
“Um. I apologise. Could you repeat the question?” he directed at Beau.
She barely even looked at him. “Don’t matter bro.”
“If you’re sure.”
But Beau had already moved on. Essek was left feeling out of his depth in the midst of this seemingly well rehearsed dance. The words being flung around the table sounded a lot like arguing but everything came with loving expressions and touches. He would have excused himself but he’d been trying to bond with them, and not just because he figured it would aid them on the battlefield.
He started to wring his hands and then stopped himself, aware of the missing cloak that usually hid all his anxieties. He stroked the wood of the table, fiddled with his cutlery till it was straight, and stared at the left over pancake he couldn’t finish. A fork reached and lifted it away from his plate to a better home somewhere down the table. He took a deep breath and tried to force his muscles into relaxation, letting his shoulders drop. It felt unnatural. He shifted in his seat. One of the lovely embroidered slippers the tower had provided, (Caleb had provided, but it was somehow easier to imagine it was part of the spell and not Caleb’s thoughtfulness), slipped off his foot. He’d been using a table leg to absentmindedly relieve his anxious need to fidget, and now he came back to it with a bare foot.
Across the table Caleb’s head turned and Essek could feel himself being stared at. He lifted his gaze to give Caleb a questioning look, confused as to why Caleb would be looking at him with such… what even was that expression? Curiosity? Amusement? Something else?
It was a testament to how absent Essek’s awareness was, that it took him this long to realise the table leg was warm, and covered in material.
His toes stopped, stock still, against what he now realised was Caleb’s calf. He was distantly aware that his eyes must have widened in shock and he was most likely blushing judging by how hot his cheeks now felt, but it was unimportant compared to how trapped he was by Caleb’s gaze.
“I…” Essek’s apology started automatically and dissolved as he lost himself in the blue of Caleb’s eyes. Blue eyes that weren’t letting him go. A calf that was not retreating.
Essek’s toes twitched just out of tension and something in Caleb’s eyes flickered.
“Do you require anything else?” Caleb’s voice so impressively casual, still made Essek jump.
Essek shook his head slowly. Words would only betray him right now.
Caleb’s face was doing what it always did, as if Essek didn’t have his toes pressed against his leg; the almost permanently furrowed brow, the background sadness in his eyes, that little sparkle Essek loved so much that spoke to him of chaos and magic and power and childlike joy, and the warmth that Essek was getting used to. That softness that appeared in Caleb’s eyes when alighting upon him no matter the circumstances, no matter if Essek deserved it or not, he always lapped up as if it was possible to horde such a thing for when it would inevitably be taken away.
Somehow it didn’t really matter what Caleb saw in Essek’s expression. Essek wasn’t going to miss a single moment of this opportunity. If he could stop himself blinking that would be ideal. Caleb had not stopped staring at him and Essek was not going to be the first one to look away.
“The pancakes are a bit sweet I know,” Caleb said.
Essek barely understood a word. He’d watched entranced as Caleb’s mouth had twitched into a little smile, his lips had moved, forming words, and then he’d smiled again. He found himself smiling along and giving a little nod. It didn’t matter what he was agreeing with.
Then Caleb’s actual flesh and blood leg which was very much not a table leg, moved to press against Essek’s toe with noticeable and meaningful pressure. Essek swallowed the weird lump in his throat. The world shrunk down to two small points of interest, the warmth of Caleb’s leg, and the space between their mutual gaze.
Caleb blinked slowly. There was something about it that created a small shudder down Essek’s spine.
Caleb touched Essek sometimes. Not often. Usually when whatever emotion he was experiencing could not be held back. Essek hardly ever touched Caleb however, the gulf between them always felt far too huge. To even attempt to cross that chasm would leave Essek far too vulnerable and that went against every instinct he’d been taught. But now… now they were touching, and had been for a while, the exact time of which Essek could not even speculate at. Caleb would know exactly how long Essek’s toes had been pressed against his calf, and before that exactly how long Essek’s slippered foot had been rubbing up and down Caleb’s shin. There was plenty of time later for mortification. Now there was only that curling desire in his belly for more of this touch. This other side of the chasm was fascinatingly addictive.
When Caleb’s eyes started wandering slightly, not going far, just dancing across Essek’s face, Essek allowed his own to follow suit, taking in details he usually only allowed himself hurried stolen glimpses at. The hollow of his throat. The freckles on his cheeks. The curve of his upper lip. He had the kind of face that upon closer inspection and greater familiarity, only became more and more beautiful. Essek moved his toes slowly across the rough material of Caleb’s trousers and pressed and flexed against the bone of his shin. Caleb’s hand moved up to tug at his shirt and rub at his neck, either in response or absentmindedly, Essek couldn’t be sure. Caleb’s eyes found his again, dipped to his lips briefly, and then back up. Essek had never felt so lost and simultaneously exactly where he needed to be.
Somebody was saying his name and talking. It was so background it was like his head was underwater. A cake of some kind arrived on his plate. He didn’t look. He couldn’t. He just waved his hand vaguely in thanks. Caleb smiled at him. It was such a small subtle smile for how it reached across the table, washed through his veins, and wrapped around his heart.
By the Luxon, Caleb’s eyes were so incredibly blue he couldn’t bear it. Why was Caleb so far away? Why were all these people here? There were so many other ways he wanted to touch. So many delightful places and ways to explore. If he had permission… if Essek’s foot on him wasn’t just permitted but welcomed then… Caleb might welcome Essek’s fingers in his hair, maybe… perhaps…
Essek stopped his thoughts spiralling. Dinner time with the Nein was not the place to start mentally fondling his friend. Was anywhere? Instead he refocused on the single place of contact between the two of them and slid his toes downwards. He found slouching rough textured sock and paused. Nothing in Caleb’s expression changed. His gaze remained intent on keeping a hold of Essek, with a kind of fascination at the current circumstances they found themselves in. Essek felt unusually powerless and he absolutely did not care.
Everything was interrupted by some apple pie being shoved in front of Caleb. Caleb’s gaze flickered down, leaving Essek for the first time in a while. The rest of the world started solidifying around him… The wooden table he was almost digging his nails into. The chattering quibbling voices. The strong scent of chocolate wafting up from his plate. The slight twitch of the toes on the large warm foot beneath his.
This was highly inappropriate behaviour. He really shouldn’t be doing this. Caleb caught his eye briefly, giving him a glimpse of that playful twinkle in his eyes, before focusing on getting some of that apple pie into his mouth. Essek was almost horrified at himself for being unable to tear his eyes away, and how warm and weirdly itchy the sight of Caleb’s lips closing around the fork full of pie made him feel… Itchy and desperate to touch him more.
He wrenched his gaze away and down to the untouched chocolate cake, and slid his toes down the top of Caleb’s large flat foot until he reached toes. Now Caleb’s foot moved too. Essek had to close his eyes as Caleb’s toes pressed against his, slid across and along his foot towards his ankle, and then lightly started making circles around his ankle bone. The sensation was slow, delicate and sent a delicious tingling through his body as Essek attempted to not entirely tune out the rest of the world. He had to put real effort in to keeping his breathing measured too.
Essek had no real idea how long this went on for. Yasha beside him had stolen the cake. Caleb had finished his apple pie. Somebody had given him more wine. None of it really mattered right now, although the wine was a useful grounding tool. He held onto it like a lifeline, and took minuscule performative sips, and tried and failed not to get caught by those blue eyes again.
Now the expression was looser, more lax, almost sleepy but for the sparkle, and Essek was aware his own face likely mirrored Caleb’s. Not that he cared. There was a slight part to Caleb’s lips that was almost maddening for a reason Essek couldn’t quite grasp ahold of. Somebody said something to Caleb, and Essek was released. He allowed himself the pleasure of roaming over Caleb at his leisure, finally resting his gaze upon Caleb’s long fingers that played with a fork. It was embarrassingly entrancing.
How was it possible for this side of that chasm he’d accidentally crossed, to be this intense? His entire nervous system was alight. He was overheating, slightly sweaty, a little breathless, weirdly shuddery, and possibly even a little dizzy, and all just from one man. Impossible.
As Caleb talked Essek moved his foot again, brushing toes across Caleb’s stockinged foot, and up inside pant material. Essek was seeking out skin, because not to would be unbearable.
There was a little gasp from across the table as Essek’s toes found warmth. Now he definitely felt dizzy. Especially when Caleb had quickly shot him a look that wasn’t exactly a warning, but more advisory. Essek tentatively slid upwards, exploring all sensations of heat and softness and hair while examining every little detail of communication from the intense gaze of Caleb Widogast. There was a tiny smile that warmed Essek’s insides more throughly than Caleb’s fire spells ever did. There was soft encouragement that felt familiar in a way, and therefore comforting, and reminded Essek of magic lessons and a forehead kiss. There was also a craving look that made Essek feel like a slice of that apple pie. It made Essek’s stomach lurch.
Touch was highly underrated. Touch was incredible. This kind of touch, with this particular man, was more than he ever thought it could be, and now, undeserving as he was, he yearned for more.
They noticed the silence around them at the same time. A blush crept across Caleb’s cheeks before they tore their gaze apart. Already suspecting what he’d find, Essek looked around the table at their dinning companions. Every single one of the Nein had stopped talking, stopped eating, stopped drinking, and were staring at them. Essek could feel his blush reach his ear tips.
“What?” Caleb asked the table.
“Are you kidding?”
“Guuuyyyyssss!”
Essek took a large sip of wine and focused down on his empty plate.
“What??” Caleb repeated.
“You’re being gross. I’m trying to eat.”
“I don’t think it’s gross. I think it’s beautiful.”
“If you’re going to mentally undress each other at the dining table, at least take it somewhere else and do it for real.”
“Are you guys in luuuuuurrrrrrvvvvv?!”
“It’s just wizard flirting.”
“Let them alone guys, they’ve both gone pink and I didn’t know Essek could even go that colour.”
Essek listened as the topic was slowly and begrudgingly changed. He took a deep breath. He’d found the drawback to this new touching thing it seemed.
His foot was still up inside Caleb’s pants leg at least. He smiled and looked up at Caleb who smiled tenderly back. Essek slid his foot higher.