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Arisa’s eyes opened wide. Her breaths were heavy and quick. She felt a cold sweat over her body. Her entire body felt tense, too tense to even move. She could only make out the highlights of the room around her in the dark. She knew where she was, this was her bedroom, her bed, her home, but it felt alien. She felt lost.
She felt a hand on her shoulder. Then, an arm across her body. Suddenly, she was pulled to the side, and she felt another body against hers. After a few moments, she breathed a sigh of relief.
“You were crying out in your sleep.”
“...Was I?”
“Yeah. I thought about waking you up, but I didn’t know if that would make things worse.”
“Mm…”
“Was… it a bad dream?”
“I…” Arisa stopped to catch her breath. “I don’t remember much. But… it was bad.” She shuddered.
Keiichi sat up and stretched. “It’s late enough to be early, anyway. I’m not sure I’ll be able to get to sleep again at this rate.”
“Mm…”
“I’m thinking I’m gonna get up and make an early breakfast. Should I make something for the both of us?”
Arisa nodded weakly, then realized he probably couldn't see her in the dark. “Yes, please. I could use some food to take my mind off of that…”
“Then let me help you up.”
It was still dark out by the time they finished breakfast. Keiichi cleared away the dishes and started cleaning them. At the same time, Arisa left the dining room and headed to the office.
Several stacks of papers were scattered around, and a package of letters was sitting next to a rolodex. Arisa positioned herself in front of the desk, then turned on the computer and picked up a pen. She carefully wrote out an address in the center, then picked out a sticker with the return address and placed it carefully in the corner. She picked several sheets of paper from the nearby pile and folded them together, then stuffed them in the envelope. Finally she sealed it and tossed it into a basket several feet away.
And then she did that again. And again. And again.
When the computer was done turning on, she turned on a podcast for some background noise, but otherwise kept up her task. There were a lot of wedding invitations to prepare, and more preparation when she was done with that.
Arisa sighed. At least it kept her busy.
There was a knock on the door frame. Arisa jumped a little, then turned her wheelchair around to see Keiichi standing there. He walked over, bent down a little, and kissed her.
“Here.” He handed Arisa her phone. “It was sitting on the bedside table. Figure you want to keep it nearby.”
“Thanks.” Arisa took it from his hand and set it on the desk. “You leaving now?”
“Yup. I'll be a bit early, so if you want, I can stick around a little longer, but-”
“I’ll be fine, I promise.”
Keiichi smiled, then laughed. “I know you will. But, remember, if anything goes wrong, just call me okay.”
Arisa rolled her eyes. “Yeah, don't worry. I'll keep in touch. We go over this every day.”
“Well, I worry about you every day.”
“Thanks, but I'll be fine. See you this afternoon, okay?”
“Okay.”
They kissed once more before Keiichi left.
Arisa turned back around and returned her envelopes. Last night, she had been concerned with printing everything out, so she only got a few done. There were nearly a hundred more to fill out.
Her phone buzzed. A medication was available for refill. She'd need to text Keiichi so he could pick that up after work.
But as Arisa picked up her phone, she started looking through her notifications from the previous night. A few emails, some news announcements.
Sixty-one new texts.
She didn't even need to check to know who they were from.
She marked them all as read without opening the messages. Really, she should have blocked the number when she said she would. But deep down, she still held some attachment. Or maybe she was just scared to sever that connection entirely. That would mean moving on, wouldn't it? It was just one era of her life, with people who she barely liked. And even if she blocked that number, she still had ways of keeping in touch. Yuu could…
Arisa blinked. Then, she hurriedly sent a text to Yuu. She hadn't asked him for his address yet, hadn't even asked if he wanted to come, didn't feel comfortable asking, but she would have to do that at some point if she wanted him there. And she did want him there, as awkward as it felt.
…Arisa looked down at the desk to realize she had crumpled the letter she was working on into a ball. She leaned back and took several breaths to calm herself. She shouldn't stress out about this. With the wedding on the horizon, there would be plenty else to stress out about.
Well, she sent him a text. He would answer at some point. And then it was back to filling out envelopes. It was tedious, sure, but the time passed quickly. And thankfully she had that podcast on, or else her thoughts might start drifting.
Arisa had been rather sporty as a kid, and she missed it. She wasn’t just studious, but rather the complete package. Her life should have been open to possibilities, instead of getting married young after burning out in college. She could have gone onto further education if she wanted— when the government learned what they had done, all the girls were offered support for the rest of their childhoods and time in education— but she struggled to care anymore. It was like her future had been broken with her legs. At least it wasn’t her life, right? At least she wasn’t Eru?
Arisa stopped her podcast when she realized she had zoned out a few minutes prior, then rewound it and began again. And then she listened more intently, more focused on the words being said than the words in her head.
After a few hours, Arisa took a break. Her hands were tired from writing and she had finished several episodes of her podcast.
Keiichi always made sure there were pre-made microwave meals in the fridge. She ate slowly and watched TV in the background. But her mind wasn't really there.
After lunch, she decided that she needed to get outside. Too much time spent inside always gave her cabin fever, and she had a few books from the library that she needed to return, anyway. She gathered those, as well as her purse, then headed out. As she rode the elevator to the ground floor, she sent Keiichi a text. She might be out later than he would be home, and it wouldn’t do any good to worry him.
The bus went right to the library. Arisa dropped the books she was returning, then went about browsing through aisles. She rarely had anything specific in mind when she visited the library, because the experience of searching was an important part of the library
Why did Yui still care? They had known each other for a few years as children. They didn't even attend the same school, so once the world was saved and there was no more need for magical girls, neither was there a need for her to remain in contact. They weren't friends. They had shared a unique experience together, one that no one else could even relate to, but Arisa didn't want people to relate to. The past was the past. Being a magical girl had already taken its toll on her and that was enough for a lifetime.
She could just barely reach the top shelf if she tried. That was its own form of commitment. Even if she could get it down, she couldn't put it back, so if she took something from the top shelf, she would have to check it out. It was a way of pushing herself out of her usual taste.
At least it wasn’t her life, right? At least she wasn’t Eru?
And then, considering what she heard of what Eru got up to, she was certainly happy she didn’t live a life like that. Domestic life wasn’t quite the bliss she was promised, but she would rather be slightly bored in a safe home, with a loving fiance, a nice apartment, an accommodating life. Eru seemed to never rest for even a moment. How the girl wasn’t constantly exhausted from all that activity left Arisa baffled.
But then, it was her way of running from her past, wasn’t it? Just like how Arisa avoided the others because she didn’t want to be reminded of what happened to her, didn’t want to be stuck in that time and place, with those people she barely knew.
She rolled up to the counter and checked out her books, then pulled out her phone. Her sister would be coming by the apartment later so they could look at decorations together, so she would need to be home by then. But as she pulled out her phone, she saw another text. Yui didn’t usually text her during the day, just the morning and evening, but it wasn’t unheard of. From what she heard from Yuu, that typically was the result of drunken benders. Arisa considered, for maybe the thousandth time, that she should block the number and be done with it. But instead she noted the time, slipped her phone back in her purse, and headed for the bus stop home.
She got home with just a little bit of time before her sister was set to arrive. Too much time to do anything, not enough time to simply just wait. She tried reading, but found herself unable to focus, and soon enough she got a text from her sister saying that she had arrived, all without Arisa doing anything in that time.
Thankfully, while Arisa had spent the day in a melancholy mood, her sister seemed far more upbeat. Akane was the maid of honor-to-be, after all, and she was eager to do everything she could to make Arisa happy. And besides, that mismatch in energy was nothing new. Arisa really was happy to be out and doing this planning, because she was happy to be getting married and happy to plan it. The perpetual frown on her face didn’t change that.
Akane had a lot of stops planned, and they might not get home before Keiichi. Being busy was nice, because that meant that Arisa’s thoughts wouldn’t wander. Or at least, wander too far. Too much planning for her to focus on planning.
Yuu still hadn’t gotten back to her about his address. Or if he was coming, but Arisa assumed he would. A wedding was a big event; she would attend his, when he was old enough for that.
Yuu was a nice guy, wasn’t he? Respectful of her boundaries, pleasant. They didn't talk much and that was ideal. He seemed to realize she didn't want more than that. But then, Arisa knew what it was like. Neither of them wanted to be reminded of their time as magical girls more than they had to, so their friendship could be more “normal.” As normal as any of them could be. And he could relate to being a bit different from the rest of the group, not really fitting in so closely among the others.
If Yui, or any of the others, had just given her that space instead of trying to force a friendship, they might have stayed in contact. She might not hate her. They just didn’t understand that Arisa didn’t feel as strongly towards them as they did towards her. The rest of the group was a tight-knit group of friends. They all went to the same, or at least, nearby schools. Arisa didn’t even live in the same city. They were all as close as could be, and so assumed she must be a part of that, but while Arisa had certainly grown to know them, she still felt like a stranger compared to the others. Why couldn’t they understand that?
The car came to a stop. Akane helped Arisa out of the car and pushed her into the store. Akane always insisted on doing that, whenever she could. Arisa had given up on telling her to stop years prior. She meant well.
Decorations were one of the more mundane things that Arisa had to look over before the wedding, but that also made it much less stressful. The pile of invitations, booking the venue, organizing catering, buying the dress… compared to that, table sheets and plates were much easier. She just had to find the ones that looked the best. Easy enough. Except for the number of options. It felt like Akane was constantly pulling new styles which were only slightly different from thin air, showing them to Arisa. The store wasn’t even that big, but they must have looked at every square inch of the building before they even stopped to consider the options.
It wasn’t that Arisa didn’t care about making her wedding look nice. She cared a lot. She had been looking forward to this wedding since she was a kid. She wanted to have a nice event. But the everyday actions of planning it and making it happen removed the magic from it.
Then again, Arisa knew all about what it was like for life to lose its magic, and this was still nowhere as bad as that. It was just tedious. Life was tedious. Day after day.
Probably something to bring up with her therapist, not get stuck on when she was trying to plan her wedding.
“—risa. Arisa?”
Arisa blinked and shook her head, then realized that Akane had been shaking her shoulders. “Uh, what?” She rubbed the bridge of her eyes, feeling a little disoriented.
“Did you zone out just now?”
“Yeah, a little, I think.”
“Mm. That’s not good. Are you feeling okay? Should we go home? We can do this another day, if you want.”
“No, I’m fine…” Arisa sighed. “Sorry, I just got lost in thought for a moment.”
Akane was pretty clearly concerned for Arisa, but she took her sister at her word. Instead of dwelling on the point, she moved back to the topic at hand.
“I was looking at these plates, right? I figure something white and blue would be best. How do you feel about this pattern?”
Arisa took the plate from Akane’s hand and examined it. Then she shrugged. “It’s nice. What are the other options?”
Akane handed her several more than she had stacked up to the side. Arisa examined them one by one, handing them back when she was done. In the end, there were only a handful that she had such high praise for, which made it easier to narrow it down. She took pictures of all the options that passed muster so that she could show them to Keiichi later and get his opinion.
That same ritual repeated several more times as they wandered around the shop once more. It was overwhelming, but Arisa was doing a better job of keeping herself focused this time, at least.
As much as she could complain about it, having Akane there to push her around was nice. It almost made her feel like a princess, with her personal attendant, as long as she intentionally forgot why it was that she was being pushed around. Maybe, at the wedding, she would feel that way enough to forget everything that had led up to that moment and just focus on the happiness in her life.
It was a nice idea. She didn’t know how likely it was.
Eventually, Akane brought Arisa home. They bid farewell for the day, and then Arisa was alone again.
She wouldn’t be alone for long. Keiichi was supposed to get home soon. But in the meantime, there were more envelopes that she needed to deal with.
Arisa couldn’t help but wonder what her life would be like if she had made different choices. Becoming a magical girl was fate, that was going to happen one way or the other. But if she had conducted herself differently. What if she had tried to make friends with the others at the time? What if she had chosen to stay in contact, or at least, not burn the bridge.
Well, the bridge wasn’t really burnt. She had tried to do that, but the others were too forgiving. At any moment, Arisa could text Yui back and she would be greeted with open arms. Support was there if she wanted it, the opportunity to talk to the only people on earth that shared the same experiences from her adolescence.
In a way, she was making her life worse by ignoring the others. If she had chosen to join their group, if she had stayed in contact, maybe she would feel better about what had happened. But she knew why she had made the choices she did. She had been given a few years to get to know the others, but they still felt like strangers, and remaining with them would have been forcing herself to stay trapped in a time period she wanted to move past. She couldn’t know which would have hurt her more, but she made the choice in the moment and had committed to it ever since.
Maybe it was the wrong choice. But it was a choice she was prepared to stick to for the rest of her life. Because otherwise, she spent the last decade of her life making things worse for herself, and coming to terms with that would be unbearable.
Arisa practically jumped out of her chair when she felt hands on her shoulders. She turned around to see Keiichi behind her, at which point she let out an exasperated sigh.
Dinner was already done, which meant she was done with planning for the night. She certainly needed a break. Talking with Keiichi helped dampen the anxieties that had been raging all day, just as a means of taking her mind off of things. By the time dinner was done, she was feeling a little better.
Yuu had finally responded at some point. He wanted to come, he gave her address, and he asked some follow-up questions. It was nice to talk to him, Arisa felt. She didn't feel like telling him about her current anxieties or worries, the thoughts she kept getting lost in. He might understand but she wasn't comfortable saying that much. Instead, she just talked about more innocent things. The books she had checked out today. Wedding plans. Akane and Keiichi. When she only focused on the good things in her life, it almost made it sound like she wasn't a fundamentally broken person.
She was watching TV with Keiichi. Some sort of talent show. It wasn't anything either of them cared about, and usually this time of evening would be spent talking over it, but Arisa wasn't in the mood.
Maybe she would feel better in the morning. Maybe she would feel better after the wedding, when all that stress was gone. They were planning to have a kid at some point, but she wanted to make sure she was in a better place before that. She'd done her reading. She knew it might affect her mental health.
Something else to bring up to the therapist.
Maybe she would feel better if she texted Yui back, or if she reached out to Hikari or Junna. It could make things better. It could make things far worse. And that uncertainty made Arisa feel like she had to commit to her choices. She was living the life she had chosen. She couldn't turn back, or else the last decade would be a waste.
Yui’s text for the night came in. A short little update on her life. That's what a lot of Yui's texts were like. It ended with a question, asking Arisa how she was doing. Arisa briefly considered answering, then put her phone away.